Hey folks, I'm going to do some editing on Leon's CS and then resubmit him. Do any of you have any recommendations on spots that need some work? I'm already planning on fleshing out his personality and streamlining his backstory a bit.
Silver; good call on the post order, i'll need to pay a bit more attention to rounds passing, but yeah. that's what collabs are for, I guess. Tamn does need some refinement, but in general is fine.
AT;Same deal for Leon, could use refinement but is fine in general.
I...don't know. I think Phantom said something about putting this straight into casual roleplay rather than putting it in interest check first but I'm not sure. Phantom?
Waiting until we have a definite yes/no on interest from all of the players from the previous poorly planned version do put one up, just so we have a proper headcount
It might be a bit difficult keeping track of whether the new round has started or not though.
, I'll need to pay a bit more attention to rounds passing,
I was thinking about that. Came up with an idea. You know how some rps want time stamps at the top of posts? well I thought we could do something like that, but instead of time stamps do them as post stamps, so they look something like:
Round 5 Post 3
or something like that. obviously changing the numbers to correspond to which round and post we are up to. To check all you have to do is look at the post above.
Also you say Tamn needs a bit of refining? how so? (This not being able to access Word is driving me absolute nuts, I've got notes on all my characters, along with every version of their cs previously tried until I came up with one i liked, and I can't get to themmm…………… *Sobs*)
Ah, Phantom might be able to answer your question about refining Tamn better than I can. Though if you wanted, we can pop her into titan as she is in the old thread and run her through?
GM Notes and Observations(warning, there is a bit of an ongoing discussion between me and Spirit in the notes): Spirit:We'd prefer a definitive height ie 5'10" Spirit:Semblance name could just be Propulsion instead of reverse propulsion Phantom:Maybe even something like Rebound Spirit:ooh that's a nice one. But yeah, something one worded for ease of rememberance Phantom:IE, speed, polarity, shadow, glyphs. ability is good, though. just needs a better name. Spirit:Versatility is great too Spirit:Like the double meaning of her name - Crimson Copper and Darker Copper Phantom:the rare non-sexual double entendre, a dying art. Spirit:It's brilliant to see though. Nice to see the pronunciation too. Spirit:Fighting style isn't that efficient - more brutally effective with fast attacks. Still a fast fight, but less one hit ko and more as many attacks as possible Phantom:low DAM high DPS Spirit:yeah, I realised what I said and changed it Phantom:I'm a bit wary of wolf themed characters, but pleasantly surprised by Tamn not being a walking stereotype. not relevant, just saying. Spirit:I like her huggableness. It's more wolf pup than Alpha or Omega wolf
Phantom:I should bring in Vasilisa... Spirit:? Phantom:My character from the wolf faunus OC contest, the ultimate alpha bitch. Spirit:Oooh. Mine was an in-your-face alpha male. Mason. He'd be 3rd year student when these guys come in Phantom:Vasilisa is minor enough to make a good villain for a C-team, but dangerous enough to be a reasonable threat to Vale. Phantom:Mason could work as a background character. Spirit:Zobel is his last name. Captain of MRNN (Maroon) (I keep thinkin Moron whenever I see the team name though lol)
Spirit:Yeah, anyway, Tamn Phantom:Right. Phantom:Symbol doesn't really reflect her as a character. Spirit:But it could be a family symbol - maybe if she put that? Phantom:like a crest? Spirit:Yeah, like the Schnee logo Phantom:Alright, yeah, I can see that. Spirit: What's the reverse magnetism part of her semblance? It's in her landing stratedgy Phantom:Probably just a continuity error, happens all the time. Spirit:Maybe she means the bounce effect, how she uses it to slow her fall... Phantom:probably. Spirit:Oath is cool, both Break and Keep. Though I think Breaker and Keeper are better names for the individual names than Break and Keep. Ties in with the overall name a bit better Phantom:Yeah, sounds a bit more consisent. Spirit:Can she use the chains when they're dual headed? I know she said it's unweildly with the longer handles, but Phantom:Like an urgrosh? Spirit:Uhh...google comes up with an axe Phantom:probably thinking of a different DnD weapon, then ---end notes---
What I got from that is that I need to rethink her sembalance name, have another look at her fighting style (What is DAM and DPS?), keep her huggableness, rethink her symbol, and see if I can explain/rework part of her sembalance.
I like break and keep, but can debate whether I should change their names.
As for the forms she can wield it in I can, and eventually will, draw up a diagram like thing.
DAM is damage, damage per individual hit. DPS is damage per second, based on how many times a weapon or technique can hit in 1 second. in a weapon like a sword, the DAM and DPS will be about the same and in the medium-low range, while a hammer has massive DAM but terrible DPS, and a gun has low DAM but high DPS. Tamn seems optimized for high DAM low DPS, as she lands one or two solid hits and retreats. definitely not brutally efficient, brutlly efficient is going for one single, guaranteed killshot, even if it's messy and causes them to be injured, which requires absolutelt horrible DPS and DAM just as high s DPS is low
The symbol can be kept if it's a family symbol instead, but if it's a personal one it doesn't mesh with her personality that well. And a little bit more explanation on her semblance is never a bad thing.
The names are ultimately up to you for her weapons - if you prefer Break and Keep then go for it. And diagrams are always fun, but there's no need to rush.
Edit: Oh wait. If you can come up with a definitive height rather than just saying very tall, it would be great too
And so the Kiltman Come-ith. Return...ith. Whatever... I am going to see if I can quickly put together a different character than Cinis and see if she passes muster. If not, well there is always still Cinis ;D
Name: Bijou Bellamy Team/occupation:(keep it blank for now) Species: Faunus, Bat Age:17 Sex: Female Aura/Effects: A glittery bright, white-silver color. Symbol: Physical traits: Large Bat ears on the top of her head. About the size of a hand held flat, fingers together. Misc traits: Bad scaring from chemical burns about her eye area. Nickname(s): 'Cliché' among very close friends and younger sisters...what with being a blind bat.
2) Appearance:(A picture is fine, but include written description as well)
Height: 5'8'' Weight: 130 Eyes: grey from corneal scaring, faint blue under tones Face: Long, sharp and somber features. Some say it gives her a wolfish look. Hair: Pitch Black hair gut into a short bob Physique: Thin, long limbed, and tightly muscled. Combat Outfit: She wears a black pair of combat tights, body style. Over that she wears a pair of sliver-white shorts a white-combat vest that cuts just a little short of her navel area, and a silver-white combat shoes that come up just past her ankles. The outfit is meant to help maintain her preferred level of maneuverability. Casual Outfit: when not in school uniform. She tends to wear a long silvery-white dress that goes down to about mid-shin, along with a boleo style jackets of a more distinctly silver color. On the back of the jacket she has the symbol of the [url=]The Bellamy Dance Academy[/url] both in the same glittering jewels.
3) Characteristics:
Personality: Bijou has a love of elegance and fine things. A product from her upbringing. She loves lovely smells and tastes, fantastic music and textures, and even excellent fighting and movement. While not often aggressive towards others, she does have a bit of a haughty pride and a chip on her shoulder. But to that end she understands that not everyone is as 'refined' as her tastes and has a decent amount of patients for others. Unless, that is, you are a totally uncultured burette, get in the way of any of her elegance, or otherwise.
Background: Bijou is the eldest child of the Bellamy family of Atlas. The Bellamy family is one of the closest things to Faunus bloodline has achieved to something of status. Long ago they founded and continue to run one of the most sought after dance academies in all of Remnant. While they are most known for producing the most excellent ballerinas, plenty of other forms of classical dances are taught as well. But despite all that a Bellamy themselves have never held a significant place on stage, largely due to the racial tension between Faunus and humanity. Regardless, Human students of the Bellamy Dance Academy have been dazzling the world for ages. The highest level courses are taught by members of the Bellamy family themselves as every Bellamy is trained in dance from the moment they are old enough to walk. The joke often told around the dance circles is that "most people's first words are 'mom and dad', a Bellamy's are 'first position, second position, third'.
Bijou was unfortunately blinded when still a babe in arms by an act of hate. While she did train with her sisters, she was always treated as if she was made of glass by her instructors and family. As they moved up the skill and difficulty curve, not matter how well she performed they almost never advanced her level of training. She was never allowed to push herself or try difficult new things. This encouraged the head strong young girl to find ways to prove herself. Thanks to being a bat-Faunus she had incredible hearing and as she grew she further honed it till she could get around without any help at all, even able to navigate complex obstacles as well as anyone. And yet her family still saw her has helpless, no matter how hard she tried. The eventually told her the hard truth that they did not believe she could ever truly follow in the Bellamy family tradition. Enrage and heartbroken she set out to do something to prove she more than capable of doing anything her sisters or anyone else can do.
Late at night when Bijou was 8 years old she snuck away to travel to the a town here he sisters had been sent to do some private lessons, she was going to take a short cut through the wild woods, a dangerous grim infested area between the cities. It was a short enough distance through the woods that she could make it over in a single night on foot if she kept a decent pace. But as most childish plans they don't account for the worst case scenario. A few hours into the woods her Negative feelings and brooding on her family and their treatment of her brought the attention of a pack of Baowolves. She managed to stay ahead of their pursuit thanks to her amazing hearing but she was eventually cornered. When all hope seemed lost, a hunter deployed in the area came to her aid. He had been taken from his camping site by the commotion she and the perusing grim had caused. While he managed to save her, he received an incapacitating wound, that could prove seriously damaging if not fatal if it didn't receive proper medical treatment. And worst yet the rest of the pack was still on the hunt. The Hunter had a semblance that allowed him to hide their scent, sound, and even the presence of their aura and emotions from the Grim, but they were moving about everywhere hunting for their prey and they were not invisible to sight. Unless they could avoid all the grim on the way out they were as good as dead.
Bijou, using her acute sense of hearing, carefully lead them out of the forest back to town, avoiding the beasts by sound. The hunter was actually rather impressed by this, having not even realized the girl he had saved was blind to begin with given how long she managed to stay ahead of the Beowolves that had been on her tail. She was returned to her family who took to their position of her helplessness with even greater paranoia, but the Hunter stayed in touch and talked with her about perusing a different path in life rather than that of a dancer. Inspired by the adventure and the Hunters confidence in her ability to become a Huntress herself she gladly took him up on the challenge. From there she began training with him, till she enrolled 6 enrolled in a battle academy, and from there into Beacon.
4) Combat info:
Position/Class: Striker with thank potential. 'Paladin' Landing strategy: Simply curled into a ball and used her semblance before impact. Landed like a cannon ball. Left a nice little impact crater, she was honestly surprised by it. Weapon: Fatel Acrier; Bijou wields a Becs de Corbin, a type of multi-function pole weapon/war mall. It measures 6 feet in length, at one end is a modified hammer head that is jagged rather than flat. reminiscent of a meat tenderizer only sharper and more threatening. It is about the size of doubled fist. Apposite of that is a small ax blade for hacking what cannot be smashed, hooking options, and counter balancing the hammer head. Extending from the middle of those two is a spike for thrust attacks. On the butt end is a matching spike. It compounds down into a Beretta carbine. A Semi-automatic, it is a upper-lower caliber weapon. Stronger than the average pistol, but not quite the range and accuracy of a proper rifle. It's suited to deal with smaller grim or to deter or distract larger or heavily armored ones. For proper death blows she uses the melee form, or if need be, gets the gun in for up-close/point blank shot. Semblance:
Name: Glitter User(s): Bijou Bellamy Type: Physical General description: turns anything from a piece to her entire body into a super hard crystal/diamond like substance. General limitations: The larger the amount of her body is transformed, the greater the aura cost and the less she can hold it. Any part of her body glittered is completely immobile, frozen in the pose it was in when shelled. She has never held a full or even half body glitter for more than a minute. Visual effect: A shimmering, glittering effect as a part of her body gets turned into crystal. Passive ability(s) (if any): N/A Active ability(s) (if any): N/A
Fighting style: Adaptable and dance like. Light on her feet and nimble in combat. She uses the multipurpose weapon to best effect by varying her attack patterns to suite of foe or thorough them off guard. From swift stabbing, to devastating hammering, to deadly chopping she can be a difficult foe to predict. She trust in her agility and semblance to keep her safe.
5) Trivia:
Relationships:N/A Notes: Bijou means 'Jeweled' or 'Jeweled One' in French. Fatal Acier means 'Deadly steel'
She likely still has some edges that need to be smoothed out but here she is with all of the profile filled out. Let me know what ya'll think.
I like the name, but sadly we had already chosen team names and the available letters are C R and T. So one of her initials will have to change, or you'll have to give her a middle name.
A few questions about her aesthetics - how is her face wolfish? A wolfish face is generally described as a hungry look, or a fierce, savage or menacing look. Your somber and sharp features don't quite fit in with that. Also, what is her symbol? You didn't put one in the symbol location, and there is no image or description for the Bellamy Dance Academy symbol that she wears on her jackets.
Onto combat:
A paladin is a support-tank, whereas she is described as a striker-tank. A better class would be a knight, as they match that combat role.
The weapon is practical in either of its individual forms, but too small to contain all the parts for transforming between then. Either the hammer head would need to be larger, a la something like This or change the weapon entirely, perhaps something that doesn't require so much visual accuity? Also, echolocation doesn't lend itself very well to weapons that require precision. A shotgun that uses either coin shot or buckshot would probably be better as their shots spread when fired, reducing the need for precision, whilst also making enough noise that she would be able to use her echolocation effectively in battle. If you still wanted the beretta as the gun form Phantom sugggests either 9x19mm parabelum or .45acp, which are amongst the most common high caliber handgun bullets, and either the Mx4 or Cx4 Storm carbine.
Though speaking of echolocation, guns are probably the worst weapon for her. If her hearing is sensitive enough to use it as though she can see, then every time someone fired a bullet near her her ears would feel like they need to bleed. A near-constant migraine if she's lucky, eventual deafness if she's not.
I am assuming that the name of the Semblance is referring to the way it sparkles when the sun reflects off the facets of her crystal. Though a better name for it would be Crystalise or something similar. Also, please, no actual transformations of the body. Until we see that kind of thing in canon, just no. Instead, a coating of super-condensed Aura over her body that still does everything the transformation does is a far better idea. And comparing the crystal to diamond is not the best idea, as diamond can be shattered with a steel hammer if it's hit on the right angle. I would leave it at 'super-condensed Aura that looks as though it has crystalised', and not make any connections to actual gemstones.
And finally - her background.
Thus far in the show, Atlas appears to have the most faunus-prejudiced culture out of the four kingdoms. So a top dance academy isn't too far fetched, but they would need to employ some human instructors for the top tier of lessons in order to get around the prejudice.
With her backstory itself. The chemical burns because of hate make sense, though it landing presicely in her eyes when she's a baby and would be laying in a pram or held by her mother seems a bit contrived. It would make more sense for one side of the face to be burnt, a la Two-Face from Batman rather than Daredevil style, and travelling down the side of her chest. Though acid strong enough to completely destroy her eyes would most likely have killed her as a baby, and seeing as she would be crying from the pain the chances of her swallowing or inhaling the acid, it would do irreversable damage to her oesophagus, which would mean she really wouldn't be up to much at all even if she did survive somehow.
The hunter scene is...just very contrived and too lucky, some would say. As an eight year old she decided to go out into a place she's been warned about as being too dangerous to go to for normal people, let alone her, to go to some lessons late at nght that even she would know wouldn't be happened because it's midnight. Somehow she didn't get hurt at all while travelling through the forest until the Hunter saved her. He got severely injured however, and couldn't just make a run for it or call in some backup, and they had to rely on his super-camouflage and her hearing to make it out alive. And then her super-paranoid parents let the hunter stay in touch with their 'fragile' daughter, even though they really should have known that such a strong person would no doubt inspire her to do dangerous stuff like him, which is even worse than the dancer career she wanted in the first place. Not to mention the brooding, which went on for long enough to sneak ot of town and through the forest, and was enough for Grimm to be attracted, at eight years old. An eight year old, unless they have some truly horrific stuff happen to them which she hadn't at the time, would throw a tantrum for a few hours, cry themself to sleep, be morose for a couple of days, and then find something else to do. And eight year old who decided to run away would get to the edge of town, see the scary forest and decide not to go in, and just stick around some stores she knows.
It...honestly doesn't mesh with her personality very well, makes her parents out to be the worst parents ever in terms of actually protecting their child, and requires her to forgo all common sense (which even children have) for the sake of meeting a hunter, and she then turns into the Dues Ex Machina for the confrontation.
A better backstory would be something similar to Weiss's known backstory - rich family, something happens to her in her childhood (about 9 or 10, which would be the blindness in Bijou's case) and she's told she can't be a dancer anymore, she hits puberty and decides to rebel against her family and runs off to a combat school before enrolling in Beacon.
In the end, though, she just needs a bit too much work to be viable right now. We suggest you hold her in reserve while you work on refining her, and use Cinis in the meantime.
I don't know if only the GM's are supposed to critique characters, but how does she have a lightfooted, dancelike fighting style while wielding a weapon four inches taller than she is, especially considering she'd be using it entirely based on her sense of hearing? And especially since it's a polearm hammer, which is heavy and bulky, and turns into a carbine, which again is not a weapon that lends itself to the kind of fighting style you say she has, and the fact that she's blind (which I like by the way) makes her fighting style and weapon choice even less logical to me at least. Her personality and body type doesn't seem to match up with it either, a lightweight, medium height girl with refined taste and a love of elegance using a brute force weapon? The two don't seem to mesh, if you insist on a polearm I'd suggest a spear of some type, if not then knives or a sword and a knife fit her personality better, perhaps a spear that turns into a sword and a gun, something accurate but not terribly powerful, and by sword I mean like a rapier or an estoc, maybe a longsword. Elegance in combat actively avoids bulling through opponents with brute force weapons, like large hammers and axes, but instead relies on precise strikes and wearing opponents down, avoiding attacks rather than blocking them, the fact that she's a bat Faunus can give you a bit more utility out of her sense of hearing, locating enemies by their movements and even their breathing once she's close enough. Yes her blindness makes the kind of precision combat I'm talking about more difficult, but certainly not impossible, sharp senses can make up for lack of eyesight to a degree.
You have numerous spelling errors, you should check on that.
if I've overstepped any boundaries I apologize, I just felt like throwing my two cents in there, feel free to ignore this whole thing
