Explain everyday things as humorously/laconically/simple as you can! :D

Hockey - 12 grown men engaging in full contact figure skating and fighting over a hard, flat ball

Orange Juice - Sadistically squeezing the life of citric fruit while not manically laughing like a mad man and getting away with (fruit) murder

Tea - Perhaps the most racist drink of all time; took from China, grown in India, sweetened with sugar from the Caribbean and drunk by the British and drunk from China tea cups. Now available in iced varieties with Lemon, Peach and Raspberry flavours!

Scented Candles - Lying, attention-seeking candles who do not taste like French Vanilla or Ocean Breeze and will burn your house down if you aren't careful

White Boards - Do not mix with Sharpies

Pants in a Washing Machine - Also do not mix with Sharpies

The Mouths of Tiny Children - Definitely do not with Sharpies

Cars - Lumps of metal, on wheels, that hurtle forward at ludicrous speeds, and people feel the need to place themselves inside of these things.

Bungee Jumping/High Diving/Skydiving - Attempting to jump to your death, and failing, repeatedly.

Wine - Crushing perfectly good fruit into liquid, and then waiting till it spoils and becomes poisonous before you drink it.

Sharpies - to go in your pooper

Music: Auditory hallucinogens

Stars: Hot fusion-bubbles

Rodents: small buck-toothed children

Volcanoes: earth pimples that pop

Newspaper: information transmission via ink symbols

Lawyers - People who argue for a living
Judges - people who slam a hammer for a living

The monkeys and shit collection:

Language: When a bunch of monkeys decide that certain grunts and screeches has a meaning

Racism: When one monkey really, REALLY hates another monkey and calls said other monkey a monkey

War: A bunch of monkeys flinging their shit at one another because two monkeys didn't get along a while back

Humanity: The collective term for a whole bunch of a specific kind of monkey

Space: Empty space up above the non-empty space

Space: Non-empty space you can still shove stuff into, because its only a bunch of air that makes it non-empty

Soldiers: Professional shit throwers whom half of humanity (See earlier definition) loves because of how good they are at throwing shit, while the other half hates them for the same exact reason

Politicians: Monkeys that never figured out how to throw their shit, and instead choose to store it in their mouths

Honest Politicians: See "Unicorn", "Fairy", and "Boogeyman"

2nd Amendment Advocates: Monkeys who support the ability of other monkeys to be able to use their hands to fling shit if need be

2nd Amendment Opposition: Monkeys who don't want shit-throwing to become too commonplace because it leaves a mess and a smell most of the time

Gun owners: Monkeys whom have the capability to shit-throw

Murderers: Monkeys whom throw their shit at people who don't deserve to have shit thrown at them

Hitmen: Professional shit throwers that throw shit if you pay them enough

Fighter aircraft: Flying machines made by monkeys to throw shit in the sky

Tank: Like cars, but REALLY good at throwing shit

Nuclear missile: A really big bucket of shit that can be dumped anywhere at any time with devastating effects

Corporate Executive: A monkey similar to a politician

Pickup artists: Monkeys similar to corporate executives

Kids on Xbox live: Monkeys that really wish they could throw shit, and instead of really doing it, pretend to throw more shit than any monkey in history

Me: A monkey similar to a politician, with the exception that this monkey swallows all that shit

Old People - "I've seen some stuff, man — and some things."

Mother- Someone who you vampirically fed on before you were born.
Father- May or may not be present. Usually a moron.
Sibling- Competition for food, attention, toys, and shelter. Must be eliminated ASAP.
Child- Parasitic lifeforms that resemble their parents. See "Tequila" and "Oops". For recipes, consult Martha Stewart.
Reality- An illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

Timetable/Schedule - When reading time on a circular clock becomes a hassle.

Smartphone - When humans are too stupid to handle qwerty keypad and demand that one button should suffice everything. With more screen space to accommodate their blind eyesight as added bonus.

Autocorrect - Originally invented to provide better accessibility for the lazy human population, it has now become a tool to promote idiocy. With disastrous results, of course.

Bus - Collective death wagon.
Ice - A bump on the head, maybe a concussion.
Steam - Necessarily not a compound.

Turtle: Armored froglizard

Singing: Pleasant yelling

Dog: Fuzzy suicide prevention that yells

Cat: Fuzzy suicide prevention that only sometimes yells

Flower: Aesthetically pleasing plant junk

Pollen: Plant jizz

Tanning booths: Pay someone to let you roast yourself alive

Sexual reproduction: Because splitting in two wasn't much fun, really

Ice giants: Blue fartballs with some ice on the side

Gas giants: Regular gasballs with some ice on the side

Mouth: Wordhole, foodhole, airhole. The new cloaca.

Sexual reproduction: Because splitting in two wasn't much fun, really

As an asexual, I can confirm that it's actually pretty great.

Journalists: we ruin your life to fund our own (dear God I'm hoping my fiancé never finds this)

(My take on) Tea: Warm leafwater.

Coffee: Ground-up beanwater.

Captain Planet: The original Avatar.

Milk: Tittiejuice.

Cheese: Solidified and slightly-rotten tittiejuice.

Heart: Wet nasty blood pump. Sometimes tells tales.

Butts: Poo poo peaches

Peaches: Butt fruit

Mammals: Because it just wasn't hip enough to lay eggs

Hair: Dead tissue noodles

Feet: GRAVITY CONNECTORS

American Football: Teams of eleven men who run around a field in tights while chasing a “pigskin,” then slapping each other’s rears in victory after.

Coffee: The thing that keeps you from going on murderous rampages in the mornings.

Alarm clocks: The things that try to wake you up, but get thrown against the wall because you haven’t had your morning coffee yet.

Urine - water being wasted
Poop/Shit - Food being wasted
Toilet paper - paper being wasted.

Muffins - Bread Mushrooms
Ice - Cold ass water with corners
Merry go rounds - Horse Tornado

Money - worthless stuff people use to buy not-worthless stuff.