@Silver Thanks for the encouraging review (I wrote A Reason To Go On). I really felt like I had botched it and rushed it too much to the point where it was meaningless nonsense, but you just made me feel loads better, so thank you.
I love a piece of… would you call this historical fiction? Well, the label isn’t as important. It’s always a joy to take a historical event that most people are familiar with from the outside, and create a story of someone experiencing it themselves, with extra bonus points for research and trying to adhere to accuracy. Some people would argue this lacks creativity, but I would say it’s quite the contrary. You gave life, you created personalities, you told a story—not just of the fall of Troy, something we could all do, but of Agenor, and we see it all through his eyes: a fresh, new perspective. Your writing/spelling/grammar and all that was flawless, and there were no lapses in immersion. Lovely. I really enjoyed your entry.
... Ooof. A worthy piece of fiction celebrating one of our most well-known ancient works of fiction. Seeing things from the perspective of a minor character is a nice touch. It’s really well done. Excellently done. I know quality when I see it, I’d like to claim.
But ooough. Knowing pretty much exactly what’s going to happen sure put a damper on my mood. Can’t say I could enjoy it, for I was way too busy letting depression set in. Gah. Hahaha. Anyways. Excellent characterization of the family, the other soldiers were somewhat forgettable but good for making it feel more authentic and alive. All in all, very well done. It’s just too bad my stomach now feels uncomfortable from reading it. Hahahahaha. Oh, well.
I've read the Aeneid but once. Regardless of the single-read, I enjoyed it more than The Odyssey (when it comes to these classic epics). Really, it's a hell of a story full of life and tragedy, and certainly it lives up to the ideas of an epic. Also, I can definitely use more accurate historical and general historical fiction in my life. Always enjoyable to see how people weave their own stories and tales associated to the content.
You're in the running for my vote, so it goes without saying that I enjoyed the hell out of this. Your descriptive wording was crisp and clear, nothing overly distracting from the scene. So often we get into describing the picture with a conglomeration of parts that ends up confusing the reader rather than immersing them. Easily, you avoided that problem. Seeing Troy fall from the viewpoint of Agenor and having Aeneas sidelined was absolutely an excellent story choice. God, I almost feel as though you could create your own fully-fleshed out story for this. It's condensed, thus I feel we have some trouble getting on with all the characters, however the dialogue did have its strong enough moments where we got the picture of them. And, perhaps, it's true in form really to the tale of Troy in itself. We can only know so much about these grand figures.
Perhaps you didn't want to take too many creative liberties with their characteristics? Regardless, we got the important things like the foreboding of the horse and the concern about it contrasted with those who were too relieved by the idea of victory and peace to properly inspect that horse.
I think my favorite bit is the ending, and that's huge for me. Ending's have a habit of not feeling right often times, but Agenor meeting Pyrrhus sword for sword is simply... poetic, and epic, and resonates so well with the spirit of the whole story. Hmm, coming back to the dialogue, I do enjoy the tender word choice between husband and wife. That felt pretty real to me, and their archaic form of speaking also felt just right. Maybe I'm just greedy and I wanted more, but you probably had the proper balance on this end, or perhaps it's the difficulty of writing historical characters.
Alas, in the end, this was a worthy tribute to the tragedy of Troy. Smooth read, well done, and the call back of the dream towards the ending was nice. THOUGH, also a bit conflicted there, meeting Pyrrhus on the field of battle, or streets in this case, felt like the proper ending against that epilogue of sorts. Both are good endings, either way. Just my preference.
Well done.
That was great character development, great suspense, and great pay-off. Wonderful entry, and kudos to you for both historical accuracy and wonderful literary craft.
You introduce us to Agenor immediately, and you waste no time fleshing out his and his families characters. He is a humble warrior that wants to protect his family at all costs, his wife is beside him as strong as ever, and Kiril is both of his parents' driving force: much like in any actual nuclear family. All of the main characters are likeable, strong, and really give the reader the want to care for them. You introduce and describe yours characters in such a way that the reader can clearly see emotions and ambitions behind them, and they cling to those human characteristics throughout the story. Might I also add that most of this connection is done through dialogue, which is always a plus in my book.
Furthermore, the suspense of knowing what is most definitely about to happen is just right. The Trojan horse is going to breach the city, the troys are going to be defeated, and it will be a disaster: but knowing these characters you've just connected with will have to go through it gives the tale a whole new layer. I will also like to add that the decisions that Agenor and the others make are completely human, something rarely seen in very fantastical tales such as these. They want to evacuate the city instead of fight in glorious vain, they want the best for their families instead of themselves: It's a thought pattern that compliments the realism of your characters very nicely. You can also clearly see the resolution the Troys had for protecting their kin, a theme that rings throughout the writing. Last but not least, the ending is a bitter-sweet masterpiece and what was always subconsciously expected by the reader throughout the short story, but is a turn of events that pays-off wonderfully nonetheless. Amazing job.
My favourites were Ashes of Illium and 34 Seconds. I think that Ashes of Illium was the better written (technically) of the two and I struggle to find fault in it. It's probably the most polished entry––I swear saw comma splices or the occasional dodgy phrasing in most of the other entries, although it might well have been because I was more enraptured with this one that I glossed over any errors entirely.
The first thing that stood out to me about this story was the fantastic characterization. You took your time with the writing, meandering through Estella's personal life and blending it well with the developing intrigue. I felt I had a solid understanding of the peripheral characters as well; Gordana, Pamela, Lartius and the rest.
Your details and exposition were also deftly handled. My only negative comment is that I couldn't really bring myself to root for the protagonist. Hell, maybe I wasn't supposed to, but for some reason that connection just never formed.
Besides that, you've got a strong, original story here. I'd love to know more of the lore.
Actually, first I just want to know: how do you pronounce "Dubhloach?"
I hereby second the question brought up by our distinguished reviewer, Silver. How do you pronounce 'Dubhloach'?
Speaking of names, Estella, Gordana, Lartius... I loved them, all unique choices fitting for a fantasy read.
Perhaps this was a little too, melodramatic? Hm, maybe. Sometimes reactions felt a little exaggerated, but at the same time not so much. I love all things Braveheart, Titanic, and Gone With The Wind and melodrama are those films' MIDDLE NAMES. So, don't pay too much attention to this as a critique as much is it is an observation wondering how to portray things in a way that connects the readers better so that they're thinking the reactions are more in the line of how people react.
Like, when Gordana gets stabbed. That was brilliant. Everything about that scene felt right and horrifying and confusing and spilled out numerous questions that satisfied me as a reader going forward.
A note on action writing and tone: "The ground itself shook as the heavy boulders planted themselves into the gravel of the plaza."
This is meant to be intense, fast, bam-bam, shaking us as witnesses.
As a potentially better way to write it (I've added brackets for potential additions if you want Estella's first person view incorporated).
"The ground shook [beneath my feet], and heavy boulders smashed into the dirt. Upon impact, the gravel heaved into the air and like a volley of arrows, rained across the plaza."
Anyway, just a suggestion. Onward I go. I would like to know more of the lore surrounding Dubhloach and the nature of these dark powers. As it is, for the short story, you retain the air of mystery and foreboding around them which is an excellent decision. Always keep the reader in the dark and then sprinkle a few answers moving forward, and also add questions. I feel you successfully accomplished that with your ending's revelation.
In the end, I feel this suffers the same problems as 'A Reason To Go On'. Not long enough because there's a lot of tale to tell here. I could never quite become on the side of the protagonist or anyone else because we didn't spend enough time with them or learning their suffering. We are told that Estella suffers after the murder incident, but we never get to see it, and that's a place where more detail should be focused upon so we can sympathize with her. She's a simple server, not the highest person in the social order, so it must be even worse considering her upbringing that people treat her poorly.
But you've got my interest, and your writing always improves. There's a fascinating tale here about a girl who suddenly receives dark powers, and I wonder what she will do or not do with them, or even if she will be able to truly be incapable of using them.
So many questions have arisen! Good work, Platinum, I had fun with this.
This one gave me a bit of a chill. At first, I had thought Dubhloach was using her body as some kind of vessel; where he worked his powers through her body, his will still intact, and she had no idea. But the ending was unsettling—the powers were hers? And on top of that, she decided not to say anything to anyone about it… And the story still begs the question, did Estella really want Gordana to die? Hrm. Quite an interesting little tale you’ve spun. I liked how you executed it, and your writing ability continues to impress me, along with your always-original ideas. All in all, an original story, a chilling end, and a great entry. Good job!
