Whenever I hear a noise in my house at night, I never get up to check it out for one reason. If it is a murderer, I'm not going to be able to stop him from killing me. I'm 5'3 and around 115 lbs when I last weighed myself. I'm not overpowering any serial killers anytime soon. So if it is a murderer, I might as well get a few minutes of extra sleep in before I die. If I'm lucky I may even sleep through the murder. And that is why I never check the "Bump in the Night"

You could get a gun. 9mm of pain to the chest tends to be pretty effective.

You could get a gun. 9mm of pain to the chest tends to be pretty effective.

I concur. I prefer .357 Magnum or the PS90 (civilian model of the P90) myself.

@Burning Kitty if we're talking carbines I'll have an AK-74u.

Set up whimsical traps around your house before you go to bed.

Get some halloween props, work on them until they actually look realistic, then set them up around your house, make it seem like a horror movie. Serial killers'll better get runnin'.

There was one time during a vacation at a cottage we rent every year that a sound was made while my brother and I were playing pool downstairs. Pretty' scary cus' it sounded like someone had come inside. So, we did what anyone would do. We carried our pool sticks like baseball bats, ready to beat that mother******. Turned out it was just the wind gusting through and causing the doors to the fireplace to smack closed and open.

Random (though somewhat related) tangent: I once set my phone's notification sound to a comedy muahaha type thing, obviously fake. I forgot I did it, left my phone in my bedroom, then someone texts me in the middle of the night. Scared the hell out of me.

For some reason without realising I just wrote "in the middle of my life" instead of "the middle of the night". Fixed it now. Also quite amusing.

I have a bump in the the night I always enjoy checking...

@Burning Kitty if we're talking carbines I'll have an AK-74u.

I fell in love with the P90 while watching Stargate SG-1.

I have a sword on the wall. I guess if someone starting bumping my night, I could use that.

I have a sword on the wall. I guess if someone starting bumping my night, I could use that.

Won't do much good if they shoot you before you get close enough to swing it.

<Snipped quote by Vilageidiotx>

Won't do much good if they shoot you before you get close enough to swing it.

I don't live in that big of a place.

<Snipped quote by Vilageidiotx>

Won't do much good if they shoot you before you get close enough to swing it.

Who said anything about swinging the sword?
Just unscrew and throw the pommel at them; end that vile knave rightly!

<Snipped quote by Burning Kitty>

Who said anything about swinging the sword?
Just unscrew and throw the pommel at them; end that vile knave rightly!

Throwing the pommel? Barbaric. What you need to do is deconstruct the hilt and stab their left thigh using its tang.

<Snipped quote by ClocktowerEchos>

Throwing the pommel? Barbaric. What you need to do is deconstruct the hilt and stab their left thigh using its tang.

>Deconstructs hilt
>Stabs left thigh with tang
>Calls me "barbaric"

wew look whose talking boyo
what kind of uncouth and crude method is that?
True gentlement-knight-warrior-ninja-rangers-champions stab in the left kidney with the cross guard which they expertly deconstruct in exactly 1.2526543687465657434π second because they study the way of the blade, swearing to live and die by the blade, while everyone else is busying "being social" or "having a life".

<Snipped quote by Keyguyperson>

>Deconstructs hilt
>Stabs left thigh with tang
>Calls me "barbaric"

wew look whose talking boyo
what kind of uncouth and crude method is that?
True gentlement-knight-warrior-ninja-rangers-champions stab in the left kidney with the cross guard which they expertly deconstruct in exactly 1.2526543687465657434π second because they study the way of the blade, swearing to live and die by the blade, while everyone else is busying "being social" or "having a life".

EXCUSE me?

Truly a fool's errand to do so. The only way for true gentlement-knight-warrior-ninja-rangers-champions to end an opponent isn't to use A FUCKING CROSSGUARD. No, one must remove the tsuba of a katana (which should generally not be the blade you have been using before it is time to finish an enemy, unless you're in a position of imminent peril), remove the hilt's wrapping to get at the rayskin, then you take the rayskin and tie it using the wrapping to the katana's tang (which you should have exposed earlier). One you're done with that, you chop part of the katana's tip off with your main blade (this should be simple for any true swordsman). Then you tie the rayskin to that piece, and finally hot weld the tsuba to it using sparks from your two blades (make sure it is a fairly flimsy weld, and note that you can use sparks from a blade against your teeth if you only have one). You then gram onto the now-tip of the katana and swing it in verticle circles using your right arm until the tsuba's weld breaks and it flies off towards your enemy, hitting them between the eyes and finishing them honorable.

This must be done in exactly 7.708091379e9 Planck Times (the smallest possible measurement of time, corresponding to the time it take slight to cross the smallest possible measurement of size), otherwise it is dishonorable and a barbaric action. This is because 7.708091379e9 is the absolute value of the period of the sine of 815,141,518, which is numerical code for the word "Honor".

EDIT: (/unmeme. I'd like to point out that 7.708091379e9 ACTUALLY IS the absolute value of the period of the sine of 815,141,518, which is also ACTUALLY numerical code for the word "Honor". Just in case you didn't do the math.)

It's probably the heating pipes.