Okay, let’s goes through these one by one, as we read off.
I’m rather bitter about one line in particular in the personality. “Just like any other girl, deep down she likes cute stuff and is always extremely excited when they were dressing up neatly.”
…
Do you understand you’ve just taken an entire 50% of the population and reduced them to dolls and dress up? What was going through your head when you wrote this? Apart from how offensive this is, this kind of generalizing is shallow and is a terrible reason for why your character loves dress-up or cute stuff. Scratch the any other girl part, it’s needless and honestly rather stupid.
Now onto the problems in her history!
First up: Dubai
Dubai.
Dubai???
This Dubai???Let’s play a game. Look at a globe, and point out on it where Prydain is.
…
Can you find it? Cause I can’t.
This is a made up fantasy world with made up fantasy countries and a made up fantasy history. Why is Dubai here? It doesn’t belong in this universe, it doesn’t exist. Remove this part, it clashes with the world.
Now for the father's job. He is "owners of a small company in plants".
Plants???
These plants? Is he a florist? A botanist? An agricultural scientist? A fertilizer manufacturer? An agricultural landowner? Does he specialize in rare and exotic plants? Does he run Prydain’s Home Depot garden department? Be more specific, because right now, “a small company of plants” makes it sound like the plants are, well, working for him.
Next up, the timeline for her neglect. She cooks for herself. While staying at her aunt or grandma’s house.
Are they comatose? How old is she?? Is she just getting up like little Matilda and making herself pancakes?
Don’t do this. If she’s staying with a competent adult, then that adult should be caring for her needs. She’s cooking and eating by herself and staying up late for her parents to come home. WHERE DID THE AUNT/GRANDMA GO? This isn’t consistent with previously stated facts and is really a poor way of making her “neglected”. Her parents are rich enough to hire a babysitter or nanny. Give her one or use the relatives, but either way, scrap the Baby’s First Cooking bit and give her a curfew.
Also, do you understand what neglect is? Because this neglect seems fairly short lived in your character’s life, or well compensated with outpourings of love and affection. Here are some examples of neglect!
-Not feeding or clothing your children
-Not supervising your children
-Not taking care of your children’s education
So far, there are only two characters in the backstory that fit the bill. The Aunt/Grandmother hybrid that disappears after being mentioned once. Like some kind of Russian boogeyman. You need to fix this, or remove the neglect altogether, because it’s just so incoherent.
And then, this bit.
“Luckily they got a good lead from one of employees. His son used to go to this fantastic, high caliber school overseas.”
Overseas. Do you mean to tell me your character is not even in Prydain?
Nope, nuh-uh, nada. You have to be from Prydain. If you had asked beforehand, we would have allowed this, but this is world building. You’re not allowed to world build. World building is our job. Remove this part and make her from Prydain.
Then onto her likes. Jpop. As earlier addressed, this is a made up world. There is no Japan. Jpop does not exist. Remove this.
Now onto her quiz! I have high hopes for this!
“1. What is your character's greatest regret?
"Probably the time I beat a classmate in middle school, I punched the poor guy a blood nose after I thought he trashed my lunch onto the ground which was an accident off course, ugh I still feel bad."
I’m sorry, but I don’t see “Prone to outbursts of violence over misunderstandings” in your character’s personality. A guy accidentally knocks her lunch tray over, and she punches him? That doesn’t fit with
anything in the personality. Fix this and make it more explicit in her personality that she is violent, or take this out entirely. And remember that a criminal record immediately gets you rejected from St. Fortuna’s.
And then question 6. Another case of the Twilight Pets.
The bunny doesn’t appear anywhere else in the character sheet. It just comes and goes as it pleases.
Pets, important heirlooms, and missing family members should never be mentioned as passing in quizzes. Mention the bunny in the history or misc, but don’t just stick it here and say nothing about it. If it’s important enough to save, state why.
In sum, this character still needs work. You put too many places that don’t exist in canon in the backstory, you need to specify on what her father
actually does for a living instead of saying “plants”, fix the poorly attempted neglect plot line in her backstory, and rectify the issues with the magically appearing bunny and the sudden show of violence in her personality.
Also, make her taller. I’m tired of tiny petite high school girls. It’s a trope that has gotten exhausting really quick. I don’t care how kawaii she is, put her over 5’2”. -GM Len
Hi, I'm going to go into some more of the problems with her personality."She is quick to snap at others and becomes irritated the moment something doesn’t fit her boat which isn’t really helping her to make any more new friends."
So this says to me that Mui is irritable, spoiled, and is generally angry a lot at other people and most likely bossy."Some people see past that and only see a shy lonely girl that is just not confident on how to talk normally with others."
Now, this completely contradicts all of that. Shy people don't snap at people, and if someone bothers them they'll usually back out of the situation. And if people see her snapping at others all the time and being irritable, people probably don't think she's lonely because she can't express herself, they probably think she's alone because she can't express herself in anything but a negative way around people. It's not really something they would feel sorry for her for as this line suggests."Due to her reluctant and shy nature, she had difficulty making any new friends."
If people's first impressions of her are "Oh, that's the spoiled girl that will fly off the handle on you" then it wouldn't be being shy or reluctant that's the problem."She didn’t blame others for not approaching her, though, as a snappy rich girl, she didn't feel like she was all that easily to approach"
Is she shy and reluctant or is she a snappy spoiled rich girl? She can't be both because both those personality types clash with one another."Friends that did get close to her found her to be quite cheerful and less gloomy than she had first let on."
Once again, people's first impressions of her seemed to be that Mui is an angry spoiled girl. She doesn't like she looked gloomy at all just mad."Just like any other girl, deep down she likes cute stuff and is always extremely excited when they were dressing up neatly. A smile can always be found on her face when she is at home doing her own stuff like reading or playing games. Or when she is enjoying something like shopping. It can make her a tad embarrassed though knowing that people she didn’t know saw her as antisocial."
And this part just clashes with the rest of her. Like this feels too happy go lucky if she's short tempered and spoiled. If she's shy and reluctant then the part where she's at home would fit but it seems a little outgoing if she's out someplace. Also from how you describe your character, either way, she comes off as kind of anti-social because she either ends up pushing people away or is too shy to interact."Mui got quite responsible in handling daily tasks this way but became quite reluctant being at home alone all the time. She didn’t really know how to make any friends and would often put great strain on herself for messing up even the slightest bit of a conversation."
Also, there's no real sign of any of this in her bio. She sounds like a mature little girl who just wants to be a good daughter to her parents who never has a short temper or acts spoiled. Like, did she not go to school to become reluctant by staying at home? Because she would still be interacting with people at school. Also, that bit about her putting strain on herself for messing up a conversation sounds more like Social Anxiety then being shy. Also being left alone doesn't really make you socially reluctant or shy, maybe if she was forced into being away from being around others at school via some bullies or something but not just by being along when she got home from school. Did she not make any friends or anything growing up or interact at all?
Well, I think that's just about it-"Probably the time I beat a classmate in middle school, I punched the poor guy a blood nose after I thought he trashed my lunch onto the ground which was an accident of course, ugh I still feel bad."
What?"Give them both a beating. Kidding, I'll try to get them away from each other for a little bit to talk"
WHAT???
That's not how a shy and reluctant person would act at all! It fits with her short-tempered personality but if she's supposed to be this sweet kind shy girl then she would go around hitting people she thinks wronged her on purpose or joke about beating people up!
Okay, what I suggest is that you try to pick a more consistent personality. Do you want shy and reluctant or do you want a short tempered pampered princess? Or maybe pick something else if you're so inclined, it's all up to you. -GM Neno:) -GM Error
