@webboysurf I'm sorry you feel that way. I do apologize if anything I posted in my review came off harshly -- know that you're still welcome to drop by in the Discord, and that I wish you the best in your future endeavors!
Nah, the criticism helped and I might modify the character with the feedback and use it in something I'm running for a private DnD thing in the fall. I plan to keep an eye on the RP though, looks like it'll be a good read.
Hey! So, this is frickin' stellar. I honestly have very little to talk about, here. With Supplemental, I was wondering when she would've gotten the time to learn several instruments when she was so adament about skipping her classes? Other than that, I don't have any qualms for the majority of the other sections. The few discrepancies I have for the bio are as followed:
- You made a misnomer of "stones", stating "coin", but this really isn't too big of an issue. Just be sure to note the distinction of currency for this setting. - I was wondering, her entire youth was spent, then, in Berevin? This is fine, just note that the Eildi Society weren't even established until a half-century ago, and wouldn't have gained much prominence outside of Glimhollow until the most recent decades. The actual Society itself is solely based in Glimhollow, though this doesn't mean that news of their establishment wouldn't have traveled to Berevin, or the rest of Peylor, so I'm really just stating this for your own consideration.
Honestly, this is friggin' golden! I love Kieriel's character, and I apologize it took me so long to reply to this. Been busy irl quite a bit, but I'll be a lot more prevalent coming up, here. If you feel you need to make any adjustments, do let me know, otherwise I'll say welcome aboard!
Excellent! Glad I pass muster. Might clean Kieriel's sheet up a tiny bit before putting her in the characters tab, but she'll be there soon!
And thereβs no need to apologize for the delay β Iβve just bought a house, and in getting it ready Iβve become intimately familiar with the true meaning of busy-ness on my end as well. Or perhaps just stepped sideways into a dimension where free time simply doesnβt exist in normal quantities? Haha.
Either way, very excited to join the game. Looking forward to firing up the writing engine with this crew!
So today I found out that there is a paint color called "Acceptable Beige", and people actually paint their houses with this. Part of me thinks that's hilarious, and the other part of me will lie awake at night contemplating what it is that constitutes an unacceptable beige...
Anyway! I posted Kieriel in the characters tab after a tiny bit of touch-up. Probably going to put a little elbow grease into my first post before crashing tonight, with the intent of having it done in the next few days.
So today I found out that there is a paint color called "Acceptable Beige", and people actually paint their houses with this. Part of me thinks that's hilarious, and the other part of me will lie awake at night contemplating what it is that constitutes an unacceptable beige...
Anyway! I posted Kieriel in the characters tab after a tiny bit of touch-up. Probably going to put a little elbow grease into my first post before crashing tonight, with the intent of having it done in the next few days.
We opted to point our house βdangerous blueβ. Didnβt know that was a thing either.
@Lucky Knight Most shades of beige actually start their lives in an unacceptable form, but a select few hues can achieve such a state of apotheosis to be worthy of acceptance. Little known fact.
Hello! My friend The Wyrm pointed me in your direction. Iβm not sure if youβve still got any openings but if so Iβd love to join. Hereβs an initial draft of a character; I thought this band of rogues could use a proper criminal element!
General
Name: Caradoc Bryn Hoekstra Race: Dwarf Age: Fifty Two Appearance:
Hoekstra takes great pride in his appearance and makes a point of being finely dressed, effecting the look of a well off merchant. He keeps his head shorn smooth without any stubble and maintains a tidy umber beard with the use of large bronze beads. Itβs in the details that the cracks in his facade begin to show; his trouser cuffs show the dust of Lower Shenul and the stump of one leg speaks of hardship not usually found in the merchant class. Beside his moderately polished shoe is a metal rod in place of the dwarfs left foot, capped by a steel semi circle similar in look to an upturned mushroom. Not the only sign of hardship, Hoekstra prefers to wear soft brown or black gloves altered to hide a few missing digits on each hand, and a rough scar bisects his pale sightless left eye. Always with a mind to focusing others gaze, he has a preference to wearing blues, greens and greys to bring out the colour in his remaining eye.
Personal
The child who would become Caradoc Hoekstra was born in Upper Shenul to a well off mining family with interests in the lower deeps Glimhallow. His story wouldnβt truly start until he was a young boy and a series of minor setbacks snowballed into disaster to the Hoekstra family fortunes, culminating in the death of his father. While the loss was considered a tragic accident, it was the nail in the coffin heralding the final end of the widow Tegwen Hoekstraβs life of comfort. By the time Caradoc was in his adolescence, he and his mothers downward spiral had ended them in the Grey District with the young dwarf doing his best to get by and look after his mother.
Having little advantage other then strength and will, Caradoc fought and scrapped and stole as well as any of the poor sods in Lower Shenul. Running with one gang or another was inevitable, and it was on those pale dusty streets and alleys that the young dwarf made his first connections. The trick was getting involved, but not too involved. Living rough a man gains scars, and Caradoc gained his fair share until his face fit that of the most hardened street thug.
Feeling his star was on the rise, young Hoekstra became bold and stretched his means too far. When those he owed came to collect, they found neither hand entirely full and not worth chopping off, so decided to be creative. They pulverising the mans left foot with hammers so thoroughly that a chirurgeon could do nothing but amputate.
After a long recovery, Caradoc walked the dark streets of Lower Shenul again. Heβd long been ambitious, but now he had to use new means to make his way and found he was actually quite good at acting as a middle man - a neutral party that could broker deals, facilitate the fencing of goods and launder stone through otherwise legitimate businesses. No longer Creep-Eyed Caradoc, the businessman known as Hoekstra had made his way back to Upper Shenul, clunking conspicuously as he walks. Now, his misshapen fingers were in many pockets and his one eye was on many prizes.
βI want to be so high and mighty that the little people canβt even see whoβs spitting on them.β
Prime Motive: Climbing the Ladder; Hoekstra wants to be Better Than, and strives ambitiously to increase his station and prove heβs not just another undertown rat. Accessory Motive(s): To get where he wants to be, wealth and prestige are both tools and byproducts of Caradocβs ambitions. Internal Conflict: Hoekstra longs for legitimate success, but his felonious origins are hard to shake. The criminal methods can have bigger and quicker payoffs, but working in that world often closes as many doors as it opens and despite his better judgement, Caradoc often cant help but take those risks.
Vocational
Occupation: βLegitimateβ Businessman. Hoekstra has been everything from a fence to a launderer and owns shares in several legal and illegal businesses; even a Spark Boat. Talents:
Negotiator - Following the loss of a foot and thus a mans reputation as a fighter, one must find alternative ways to get by. For Hoekstra, this meant using charisma and guile.
Connections - If thereβs somebody Caradoc Hoekstra doesnβt know, he probably knows somebody who does - even if theyβd rather not admit their relation to him in certain circles.
Pugilist - Hoekstra is a member of a gentlemanβs boxing club, participating bi-weekly to keep his skills up. His footwork isnβt the cleanest, but he hits like a smiths hammer.
Flaws:
Mobility - Even with a quality prosthetic and much effort to adjust, two feet just work better then one.
Reputation - A person canβt fully escape their past, as itβs a part of them. Everyone who knows Caradoc Hoekstra knows heβs still a little shady and probably always will be.
Hubris - Though always seeming confident, Hoekstra manages not to come off as arrogant in his dealings. In his own mind, however, heβs always the smartest in the room.
Luxury - The balance between frugality and the love of finer things is a constant struggle, both for his own enjoyment and to be seen enjoying them.
Equipment: -A pair of worn and well used brass knuckles, each with a short spring loaded blade that points downward when the catch is released. -βDucks Footβ Spark Pistol, though kept in his office desk. It wouldnβt do to walk around with such a threatening weapon. -Steel capped prosthetic foot. -Specticals for reading, kept in a case in his jacket. -Fine clothes that give the appearance of wealth and success, but would not pass muster in the upper districts of the city.
Supplemental
Secrets: Caradocβs middle name is Bryn, which means βfairβ or βfineβ in the Dwarven tongue. His mother calls him Brynbachgen, or her βbeautiful boy.β Caradoc dotes on his ageing mother Tegwen and fears she could either come to harm or be used as leverage against him. Quirks: Somehow being both proud and irreverent of his Dwarven heritage, Caradoc makes a point of going by his true family name: Hoekstra. Most Dwarves of Glimhallow carry on the tradition of translating their names into the human tongue, being known as Bloodaxe, Ironbeard, Strong-in-the-Arm and such. Nobody has ever learned why he prefers it this way. When Hoekstra negotiates, he has a habit of turning his head in such a way that his white sightless eye peers at the other party. He enjoys their unease.
Overview: You're in luck -- we still have a couple spots open, and it looks like you're about to fill one! I love Caradoc; partially due to my bias toward dwarves, plus there's the total lack of their appearance in our character roster I only have a few points worth stating, so give them a quick look and see what you can do for them.
General: No qualms here!
Personal: Again, no qualms as of yet. I save my assessment for the bio for very last, so be sure to still check that out.
Vocational: So, does he own shares in a Sparkboat, or does he own a Sparkboat? I'm sure you meant the former -- also, while this is just a suggestion, would you be opposed to having that Sparkboat be Steelbrow; the same vessel that Wyrm's character crews? It'd give Hoekstra a bit more connection directly to the Dusthawks, that way. The brass knuckles and the spectacles are a touch more "modern" than the theme I'd like to maintain, which can be mirrored as a 16th century style of technology, with obvious steampunk elements. However, I'll leave this up to your discretion as to whether you'd like to keep them. If you decide to keep the brass knuckles, I'd suggest changing the "spring-load" design for the blades to a clockwork mechanism, so as to maintain the theme.
Supplemental: You never did state what 'Hoekstra' translates to -- though, if you meant not to, don't mind this statement.
Discrepancies for the bio will be in the following hider.
Honestly, everything looks good here, so I genuinely don't have any complaints about what is written, but instead am left pondering over what hasn't been iterated. The one thing that I look for is the character's connection with the Dusthawks -- how did they come about affiliating themselves with the organization, and how regularly do they involve themselves, if they aren't full-blown members? This is really the only thing I would suggest being added, though I can assume Hoekstra acts as a fence/launderer for their criminal enterprises. Still, it would be good to articulate this point outright, for my own sake.
Honestly, almost everything about Caradoc is fantastic! Let me know when you've considered the previous comments and are satisfied with any revisions you'd like to make, and then I'll let you post him in the character tab! Well done!
Iβd thought brass knuckles had more of a history, but a quick google tells me theyβre far more modern then I imagined. Iβll make a few adjustments, in particular Hoekstraβs affiliation with the Dusthawks. Also, Iβd added the bit about a Sparkboat specifically with the Steelbrow in mind, and so if The Wyrm is onboard, itβll be a nice built in familiarity between Hoekstra and Sabina.
Iβll have some updates done tomorrow - alas, itβs gotten late in my time zone.
With requested modifications! After your final approval Iβll add him to the Characters tab. Meanwhile Iβll catch up on IC posts.
General
Name: Caradoc Bryn Hoekstra Race: Dwarf Age: Fifty Two Appearance: Hoekstra takes great pride in his appearance and makes a point of being finely dressed, effecting the look of a well off merchant. He keeps his head shorn smooth without any stubble and maintains a tidy umber beard with the use of large bronze beads. Itβs in the details that the cracks in his facade begin to show; his trouser cuffs show the dust of the [BLANK] District and the stump of one leg speaks of hardship not usually found in the merchant class. Beside his moderately polished shoe is a metal rod in place of the dwarfs left foot, capped by a steel semi circle similar in look to an upturned mushroom. Not the only sign of hardship, Hoekstra prefers to wear soft brown or black gloves altered to hide a few missing digits on each hand, and a rough scar bisects his pale sightless left eye. Always with a mind to focusing others gaze, he has a preference to wearing blues, greens and greys to bring out the colour in his remaining eye.
Personal
The child who would become Caradoc Hoekstra was born in Upper Shenul to a well off mining family with interests in the lower deeps Glimhallow. His story wouldnβt truly start until he was a young boy and a series of minor setbacks snowballed into disaster to the Hoekstra family fortunes, culminating in the death of his father. While the loss was considered a tragic accident, it was the nail in the coffin heralding the final end of the widow Tegwen Hoekstraβs life of comfort. By the time Caradoc was in his adolescence, he and his mothers downward spiral had ended them in the Grey District with the young dwarf doing his best to get by and look after his mother.
Having little advantage other then strength and will, Caradoc fought and scrapped and stole as well as any of the poor sods in Lower Shenul. Running with one gang or another was inevitable, and it was on those pale dusty streets and alleys that the young dwarf made his first connections. The trick was getting involved, but not too involved. Living rough a man gains scars, and Caradoc gained his fair share until his face fit that of the most hardened street thug.
Feeling his star was on the rise, young Hoekstra became bold and stretched his means too far. When those he owed came to collect, they found neither hand entirely full and not worth chopping off, so decided to be creative. They pulverising the mans left foot with hammers so thoroughly that a chirurgeon could do nothing but amputate.
After a long recovery, Caradoc walked the dark streets of Lower Shenul again. Heβd long been ambitious, but now he had to use new means to make his way and found he was actually quite good at acting as a middle man - a neutral party that could broker deals, facilitate the fencing of goods and launder stone through otherwise legitimate businesses. No longer Creep-Eyed Caradoc, the businessman known as Hoekstra had made his way back to Upper Shenul, clunking conspicuously as he walks. Now, his misshapen fingers were in many pockets and his one eye was on many prizes.
Money flows upwards, however and Hoekstra has those he owes tribute to as well. Due to a long history of working alongside the Dusthawks in their territories, he sets aside a percentage of his monthly income as tribute to their coffers. Itβs merely a cost of doing business.
βI want to be so high and mighty that the little people canβt even see whoβs spitting on them.β
Prime Motive: Climbing the Ladder; Hoekstra wants to be Better Than, and strives ambitiously to increase his station and prove heβs not just another undertown rat. Accessory Motive(s): To get where he wants to be, wealth and prestige are both tools and byproducts of Caradocβs ambitions. Internal Conflict: Hoekstra longs for legitimate success, but his felonious origins are hard to shake. The criminal methods can have bigger and quicker payoffs, but working in that world often closes as many doors as it opens and despite his better judgement, Caradoc often cant help but take those risks.
Vocational
Occupation: βLegitimateβ Businessman. Hoekstra has been everything from a fence to a launderer and owns shares in several legal and illegal businesses, and has recently financed a Sparkboat, Captained by Bundrod Steelbrow. Talents:
Negotiator - Following the loss of a foot and thus a mans reputation as a fighter, one must find alternative ways to get by. For Hoekstra, this meant using charisma and guile.
Connections - If thereβs somebody Caradoc Hoekstra doesnβt know, he probably knows somebody who does - even if theyβd rather not admit their relation to him in certain circles. Heβs long been an associate of the Dusthawks.
Pugilist - Hoekstra is a member of a gentlemanβs boxing club, participating bi-weekly to keep his skills up. His footwork isnβt the cleanest, but he hits like a smiths hammer.
Flaws:
Mobility - Even with a quality prosthetic and much effort to adjust, two feet just work better then one.
Reputation - A person canβt fully escape their past, as itβs a part of them. Everyone who knows Caradoc Hoekstra knows heβs still a little shady and probably always will be.
Hubris - Though always seeming confident, Hoekstra manages not to come off as arrogant in his dealings. In his own mind, however, heβs always the smartest in the room.
Luxury - The balance between frugality and the love of finer things is a constant struggle, both for his own enjoyment and to be seen enjoying them.
Equipment: -A mid-length knife of the traditional Dwarven βseaxβ style, with a tastefully decorated handle. -βDucks Footβ Spark Pistol, though kept in his office desk. It wouldnβt do to walk around with such a threatening weapon. -Steel capped prosthetic foot. -A seeing lense to be held before his good eye. He found it useful for reading in ooor light, and appraisal of precious goods. -Fine clothes that give the appearance of wealth and success, but would not pass muster in the upper districts of the city.
Supplemental
Secrets: Caradocβs middle name is Bryn, which means βfairβ or βfineβ in the Dwarven tongue. His mother calls him Brynbachgen, or her βbeautiful boy.β Caradoc dotes on his ageing mother Tegwen and fears she could either come to harm or be used as leverage against him. Quirks: Somehow being both proud and irreverent of his Dwarven heritage, Caradoc makes a point of going by his true family name: Hoekstra. Most Dwarves of Glimhallow carry on the tradition of translating their names into the human tongue, being known as Bloodaxe, Ironbeard, Strong-in-the-Arm and such. Nobody has ever learned why he prefers it this way. When Hoekstra negotiates, he has a habit of turning his head in such a way that his white sightless eye peers at the other party. He enjoys their unease.
General: In appearance, it says "[BLANK] District" -- also, where'd his picture go?? Personal: In equipment, the 'seeing lense' reads "in ooor light" -- I imagine you meant 'poor'
Just make those quick adjustments, and go ahead and post him in the character tab!
Ah, apparently I made my edits to a previous draft. These are the fun things they donβt tell you about when you need to do all your writing on a phone. π
@Blueskin I fixed the shoddy link to the Discord for ya -- turns out it was kicking you since you weren't given a role before logging off. Should be good to go, now, though! Sorry for all that hassle!
Hey team, I'm back from Spain but my phone ended up with a bit of water issues (classic!) so I'll be off discord until that's been fixed. Should get a post up tonight or tomorrow, hopefully!
Edit: As pointed out, I posted in the wrong tab! I should be able to get a post up today while I work. (I'm at an escape room and can split my attention a bit while I watch people flounder XD)
I only have a few points worth stating, so give them a quick look and see what you can do for them.