I'll offer this here as well since, I think, not everyone is in the Discord:

If anyone here wants me to give them commentary and feedback on their posts, primarily what did and didn't work for me, nothing technical this go-around, then tell me here. I'm currently on the first page of the IC, but I do intend to read everything before the end of the season. Several of you have already told me you'd like said feedback, but to anyone who hasn't, if you'd like me to just tell me if you prefer it privately or publicly. Anyone who doesn't ask for it specifically will not get any feedback. I'll also go back through the posts I've read, which is most of the first page and give feedback on those, and not just future ones.

That said, anyone who has commentary and feedback on my posts, I'd love any of substance you can spare the time to offer. You can do so publicly here or in the Discord, I don't mind. Particularly stuff that put you off, if any.

I'll offer this here as well since, I think, not everyone is in the Discord:

If anyone here wants me to give them commentary and feedback on their posts, primarily what did and didn't work for me, nothing technical this go-around, then tell me here. I'm currently on the first page of the IC, but I do intend to read everything before the end of the season. Several of you have already told me you'd like said feedback, but to anyone who hasn't, if you'd like me to just tell me if you prefer it privately or publicly. Anyone who doesn't ask for it specifically will not get any feedback. I'll also go back through the posts I've read, which is most of the first page and give feedback on those, and not just future ones.

That said, anyone who has commentary and feedback on my posts, I'd love any of substance you can spare the time to offer. You can do so publicly here or in the Discord, I don't mind. Particularly stuff that put you off, if any.

Give my posts the thrashing of a lifetime right here in the OOC, chief.

@Simple Unicycle Thank you for your service.

I'll offer this here as well since, I think, not everyone is in the Discord:

If anyone here wants me to give them commentary and feedback on their posts, primarily what did and didn't work for me, nothing technical this go-around, then tell me here. I'm currently on the first page of the IC, but I do intend to read everything before the end of the season. Several of you have already told me you'd like said feedback, but to anyone who hasn't, if you'd like me to just tell me if you prefer it privately or publicly. Anyone who doesn't ask for it specifically will not get any feedback. I'll also go back through the posts I've read, which is most of the first page and give feedback on those, and not just future ones.

That said, anyone who has commentary and feedback on my posts, I'd love any of substance you can spare the time to offer. You can do so publicly here or in the Discord, I don't mind. Particularly stuff that put you off, if any.

Make me your post slut, feedback daddy.

<Snipped quote by Retired>

Give my posts the thrashing of a lifetime right here in the OOC, chief.

Now, I want to stress that this isn't meant in any malicious way. And I am absolutely not calling you a bad writer. I want to make sure you know that. That being said, honestly... I didn't like this post. Everything felt off to me.

The dialogue didn't feel natural to me. It felt like you were forcing it. I didn't get a sense that you were letting the characters speak for themselves, which, ideally, is what you want when writing. The taunting, especially, felt forced to me.

I don't think you gave the setting, nor Eric's introspection, proper time or care. Much like commentary I gave someone else today, things felt far too rushed. There was no real build-up, no development. It was just "bam bam bam" this happened, then that happened, etc. Which, depending on the nature and content of a post, could absolutely work. But, for this, I don't feel that it did. I really took me out of the narrative.

Especially the transition from the phone call to the sudden attack. I was left feeling "really, this is happening?" instead of "oh, shit, this is happening." If you catch my drift.

There were no real descriptions here. Now, I'm not saying you want to go all Tolkien and spend five pages describing the surrounding hills, but even some minimalist descriptors of things as they're introduced would be appreciated. You don't need to do this for everything, as that's an overcorrection, but, for instance, I would have liked to read about Eric's room a bit before it's destruction purely so that way I could better see the events unfurling. Or brief comments on his weaponry's appearance and significance - things that will be with us for the entirety of your story, and we will be seeing a lot of. Just painting a picture for your audience so they can see the scene in their mind's eye is incredibly helpful when laying out a post.

The combat aspects were slightly awkward, though mostly for their redundancy.

And, mainly, there was practically no exposition on things that, I think at least, are central to your narrative. Like, you introduce the audience to the term 'hunter' and, while certainly much of that is obvious, you don't provide any information on what exactly it means to be someone who hunts down supernatural beings. There's no information on why people know to call Eric about a potential job nor the presence of the password. Yes, conclusions can be drawn, and, yes, subtext is a thing, but it's also important for you to give some real exposition here and there. I'm not saying provide it all at once, certainly, save things to be explored later, but you can give bits and pieces as you go along. I feel that doing this will dramatically improve your writing.

I do have to give you some credit for taking on a first-person perspective. That's definitely not easy, especially in these games, and while I'm not sure how it'll pan out, I will respect the courage that takes as it does make certain things, such as exposition, slightly more difficult to incorporate in a fluid manner.

I also am interested in seeing how you explore and build out the world of the supernatural here. Which, again, is why exposition is really helpful. Blade is an interesting character, and there is so much that the supernatural underworld has to offer. I look forward to seeing how you flesh it out moving forward.

@Retired Do my posts whenever you have the time, please.

@Retired

Thanks a ton for the feedback, it's given me a lot to think about. First post is always a feeler but I definitely could have done it better. I'll be sure to take your criticism into consideration as I move forward.

@Retired Do my posts whenever you have the time, please.

Alright, so. Overall, I appreciated that you used this post to focus on exposition and introducing us to several of the characters. The only thing I would say about your exposition is that I would have liked some regarding Keast's mission, the committee, and subsequent rumors. Your post seemed to fall apart here because you suddenly lacked any exposition after providing it for other concepts and people introduced earlier. I also would have liked to see a little more introspection on Diana's part after being given this news, get some insight into how she's taking this news other than she had hoped it wasn't true.

I think you need to work on separating your dialogue a bit. While not always the case, when you have actual dialogue followed by a hefty amount of exposition or introspection immediately followed by more dialogue from the same person, it often works best to place the secondary dialogue in a new line. If that makes sense. It flows infinitely better and doesn't detract from the writing when this is done. You don't always have to do this, but for the occasions where there are heavier pieces splitting the dialogue of one individual, it reads easier.

Primarily, I think my biggest take away from your writing, however, is the repetition of wording. And, to a lesser extent, how sometimes your sentence structure can read awkwardly. Generally, when choosing diction, you don't want to have the same exact word show up two or more times in very rapid succession unless otherwise unavoidable/necessary. It really pulls someone out of the moment. Likewise, when your syntax doesn't flow as well, it can cause a reader to break out of the narrative, which you obviously don't want. Both of these are easily solved, though. And this is something I can't stress enough for everyone here: read your posts. More than once, and not just as you're writing it.

As soon as you're finished, read the entire thing, and do it out loud. When you edit and proofread solely within your head, your mind can skip over and self-repair mistakes, causing them to go unnoticed. But when you audibly go through your writing, these issues stand out very blatantly. And when you edit it, go through again until you no longer make any edits. This will legitimately solve the vast majority of issues people have when writing. Anything you go through while reading out loud and you stumble on, or you catch yourself wondering if that sounds okay, or it seems to break up the sentence structure in an unintended way, take a moment to reword things. This can dramatically enhance the flow of your writing.

Please, you and everyone else reading this, do this every single time. Some of you know you should, and don't - looking at you @Lord Wraith. Even if you're not looking to directly improve your writing, and you're just wanting to translate the concepts in your head into actual words, still do this. How your writing flows and how natural it comes across are extremely important for how your audience enjoys your stories.

@Lord Wraith

Hey been a while. At least I have been 'somewhat' working on a post so I think I should be able to get one in to finish up the first Pyg encounter before ya have to drop me. Finally kind of figured out my immediate work situation, kind of sucks but it will have to do for now. Anyway, hopefully I can make a triumphant return soon.

@Roman

As requested in the Discord. This is for your first post.

Alrighty, so, the first thing that stands out to me is your exposition. While there are some syntax errors here and there, it's pretty minor and doesn't detract from the writing all that much. Overall, I really enjoy your exposition, and I can see and appreciate how you're using it to explore's Matt's world through his senses. Well done on that regard.

I do think, though, that you need to work on dividing your paragraphs. There are a handful throughout this post that are too long and verge on blocks of text. Both in exposition and dialogue - the latter primarily when Karen is debriefing Matt. Just simply finding a natural break point and separating them would help keep your writing nice and fluid, and would only enhance your use of exposition.

Speaking of dialogue, while I think Matt's initial voice isn't quite there, I'm sure you find a better footing in that regard later on. Right now it just feels, not bland, but neutral to me. If that makes sense. However, I absolutely love your Foggy. I can tell you're modeling him after the Netflix series, and I can absolutely hear Elden Henson's voice as I read his lines. My favorite part of your post, actually. Your voice for Matt is also improved here, I feel. When you write him with Foggy he seems to come more alive.

Honestly, I debated giving your post a like when I initially read it last week. I can't quite recall why I didn't. I think, perhaps, Matt's initial dialogue. Or maybe I was just being petty and sticking to the joke that I hate you (I don't). Either way, that's been rectified now.

Looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff for this season.

Well, this critique stuff is new and exciting! I’m slightly too terrified to ask for a review of my own though lmao

Well, this critique stuff is new and exciting! I’m slightly too terrified to ask for a review of my own though lmao

You can always ask for a private one if you want. I promise I don't bite.

But, I think healthy critiquing, when requested, can only serve to help us as writers and RPers moving forward. Which subsequently aids the game in thriving. Besides, this is clearly just a marketing ploy to convince more people to review my own posts.

_{Also, Nate was slacking on his reviewing duties.}

Guess who was finally able to get his Russian Internet to work on his computer? pleasedon'tseethorughmyVPNPutin

Step One. The content is written, probably over 3 sessions. One of which is almost always spent doing nothing but staring at a blank page in my BB doc (which features basic notes, such as the names and positions of K.O.R.D employees, because I stupidly chose to give my character a perfect memory, so now I must also remember all of these fictitious people. Yes, even the ones with only a given name mentioned who have no comics backing).

Step 2. No editing. Too lazy. I go to a previous post I already wrote and “Quote” it to grab my own BB image and header coding. I paste the content from the document underneath, delete the quote tags and update the header accordingly.

Step 3. “Post Reply”. Again, no editing. No checking for errors. That’s loser talk.

Step 4. I quickly skim over the now online post, checking for obvious coding errors.

Step 5. The swearing. This happens due to the missed obvious coding errors.

Step 6. Edit post. I run over the code and repair what I noticed. Sometimes Steps 4-6 happen several times more than should happen to a person who considers themselves remotely intelligent.

Step 7. The calm before the storm. I catch up reading other stuff. Do GM work elsewhere, read other posts, IC and OOC in this thread and others. Awaiting response/notification regarding this thread and post.

Step 8. Paranoia. I have heard nothing and it’s been fifteen minutes. Maybe some of that stuff didn’t work? Have I caused offense? Did I do too little with my dialogue-driven posting style? Can the others sense my body odour through the screen whilst I sweat over this post?

Step 9. Cave and re-read my already online post. “Fuck it, I guess I’d better go look at that again.” “@Star Lord liked it but he does that before he even reads the damn posts, so that doesn’t tell me anything…”

Step 10. The swearing. This happens due to the missed obvious errors. NOTE: Last post I called Ted “Hank” 3 times in the first 2 damn paragraphs and no-one noticed, despite it having multiple likes after the first few hours.

Step 11. Edit Post. I fix the obvious errors and continue my read through. Again, Steps 9 – 11 get repeated far more times than I would like to admit to in this process.

Step 12. Broad acclaim! Congratulations, you have a successful Blue Beetle post!

I don't want to say how many times I had to edit that OOC post...

I don't want to say how many times I had to edit that OOC post...

I was watching. I counted three.