@Star Lord Okay, all up to date with Diana and ready to deliver my feedback:
-Pacing and sentence length. Vary it up and alter the flow of your writing. My immediate feedback is just how stilted everything feels. Sentences are around this sort of length. Maybe a bit longer, with a comma haphazardly slapped in the middle. Maybe a bit shorter like this. The uniform sentence length combined with a lack of punctuation really serves to create a sort of monotonous tone to your writing that quickly becomes tiring to plod through. I honestly want to limit your allowed period points per post and see what would happen. Let me refer you to this quote from Gary Provost:
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
Something to dwell on perhaps.
-Proof read your posts. Things like ‘came awake’ instead of ‘woke up’ or ‘awoke’, ‘reminded in the background’ instead of ‘remained’, and ‘ironic armour’ instead of ‘iconic’ really stand out and just slow down the read even more. These kinds of typos are littered throughout all your posts, from 1.1 right the way up to 5.2.
-Your tone is a bit...varied. There’s an interesting Proto-Sokovia Accords/Superhuman Registration Act political arc with the committee passing judgement on Diana, but also this almost cartoonish cabal of mixed-franchise rogues. Aladdin is an...interesting choice for main antagonist. The two plots don’t sit well together side by side. It’s probably better to decide if you like political intrigue or bronze-age heroes vs villains, and lean into that decision, to create a more cohesive and tonally consistent narrative.
-There is a solid plot thread in there - criminalising Diana, destroying her reputation, the history of being the first major active ‘hero’ for the setting, a proto-registration plot, a contemporary look at how the modern world might realistically react to vigilantes/heroes - but ultimately your writing, while technically sound, is artistically dry, and it becomes very drudging to read.
Okay, that's it.
1x Thank
