MFP #3: Wish (voting and feedback)

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer

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Welcome to the Voting and Feedback round for MFP#3!


Voting and Feedback guidelines

Please take your time to read through all the entries before voting for your favourite work. The reasons you base your vote on are up to you, as long the vote isn’t based on whether or not you like the author. 
It would be nice if you could share why you voted for a specific work.
Giving feedback is optional but highly encouraged. When giving feedback you should be respectful and constructive. It’s good to point out any flaws or the things you feel could be improved or why you didn't like something, but don’t be mean. 
Make sure to point out what you liked or what appreciated in the entry too.
Contestant may (and are encouraged to) vote and/or give feedback for the other entries, but shouldn't vote for their own entry. If contestants wish to withhold a vote and only give feedback, that is good too.
The entries are anonymous unless the writer asked for having their name added. That being said, writers may claim their work at any time during or after the voting period.
The entry with the most votes will win, but in case of a tie a Contest Mod will cast the tie-breaker vote.
You can vote for entries and post your feedback in this thread, but if you rather have your vote and/or feedback be anonymous you can PM it to @Calle.
The voting period deadline is December 23th, 9:00 CET, which is 8:00 game time (both times are in a.m.).




The Entries


Pyro looked the scales of the snake,

Spectral were the eyes wishing for valor,

It layed in its lair, tongue primeval, breathing its cunning.

The wish x-tremed its soul,

It is always its girth, always its personality...

Reapt the wish as he slept with both eyes open, as sharp as a saber, as cunning as a hooded cape, the snake - the Polish Adder.

by @reaping Adder


A wish, a simple thing but many people do them for various reasons.
Most wonder what people would wish for, or even myself for that matter as I hope it comes true but now as I fortell it. 

A wish for things for me, from the bad things to good things. To have it stay for a long time, with the strength of a first kiss that everyone can remember in their mind and heart.

A wish from the heart, mind and soul. If it came true, it would refresh me and my vigor in vast ways. Question is, when?


I watched my coin as it fell into the bottomless black maw of the well. When I looked back up, she was waiting for me.


I realize now why genies don’t let you wish for more wishes. It is not because they fear the power you’d gain, no, it is because they fear how hollow you'd become. 

For a man, having everything, strives for nothing.


I wish I had something better for this contest
Or had some insightful words I could say
But I've already submitted this entry
And so I'm filled with regret today


From the chapel I briskly walked,
A block or two to sixth and main,
Done tending to my Sunday flock,
But cursed to endure the rain.

Heaven had a different plan,
To wash away their sins,
Forgiven is a mortal man,
Sweet mercy pelts my skin.

But the storm grew dark,
and turned into a gale,
I sought my own ark,
So the taxi I did hail.

Thus quickly did one appear.
He asked me "Where to sir?"
I said "Anywhere but here,"
he chuckled and concurred:

"Father so it's a flood?
Y'know that raises Hell?
Wasn't it paid in blood,
Or so the preachers tell?"

"My Son let judgment fall,
To the holy divine alone,
We simply serve the call,
and help sinners to atone."

"Forgive me for my heresy,
I've seen the sins of men,
And justice is hard to see,
When you're banished from Eden.

So I'll take you there first,
To taste of the bitter fruit,
And you too will be cursed,
Then we'll continue on our route.

I'll take you to a mountain peak,
So far above the wicked earth,
Every kingdom will hear you speak,
and keep sinning for all their worth.

For I've won you at the crossroads,
Here where we made ourselves a deal,
A final trip to Hell your soul is owed,
and you've got the Devil at the wheel!"

For the Devil knows your desires well,
Better the heavenly rain than fires of Hell.

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Hidden 4 yrs ago → 4 yrs ago Post by BangoSkank

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Regret just barely edges out "Why You Cannot Wish For More Wishes"

Feedback

(Bear in mind I do not know what the fuck I am talking about.  Like at all.  Seriously.  I generally like poems which rhyme or have some sort of consistent pace or flow or rhythm or cadence to them.  I don't know if that's a necessity to poems or not but it's that shit I like)

You have some odd vocabulary choices that I like but others I do not.

"Pyro looked the scales of the snake,

Spectral were the eyes wishing for valor,"

I like the idea of using a word like Pyro/Spectral and then explaining what it describes.  I think the line beginning with Spectral was a good execution of the idea.  The line beginning with Pyro not so much.  I think Fiery or A Flame or Aflame or Flaming or something similar would work better.  Pyro is slang or a fragment of a word. 

And then for the second line, and this is purely opinion and not particularly educated opinion, I think it would work better if you shortened the line rather than repeat the "were the eyes part"

So putting that together 
"An Inferno were the scales of the snake, Spectral the eyes looking for valor."

The "x-tremed it's soul" part I think would be better cut out, along with the "reapt the wish" part.  The x-tremed part is nonsensical.  The reapt the wish part isn't nonsensical but it's a bit odd and takes away from the rest of the line.  I think the last line would work better as 

"sleeping with both eyes open, sharp as a saber, cunning as a hooded cape, the snake - the Polish Adder"

You've got a unique style, I like it

I like the structure of two slightly longer verses or whatever the appropriate term is, and then one shorter one.  I think it would have been better if you were either more specific or much more general.  It doesn't have much in the way of rhyming or rhythm but I think you probably have something interesting to say.  

It seems like it's a little autobiographical.  I think it would probably be better if you explored themes like this from another perspective.

It is quite short, but still poetic.  It's evocative.

Like the tag line for a movie or a writing prompt.  It could be followed by almost anything.  The woman might be his daughter, or mother, or grandmother, or wife.  They could be somewhere magical, or somber, or Disneyland.  He could be wishing for a cure to her disease, or his, or for a long marriage, or for strength.

It's good.  I like.  Bango approves.

I have nothing helpful to add.  I think you've got a great economy of words.  It's three sentences and doesn't need to have any more and wouldn't work with any less.  I don't have the vocabulary to describe the poetic quality as anything but poetic, but it's that.

This probably would have won if I weren't such a fan of poems that rhyme and goofy shit.  Regret just edged it out for me for those reasons but regardless it is good and I like it and I want more.

I like.
It have all three.
It short.
It funny.
It rhyme.
It win, for me.

I like how long it is and I like that it rhymes but I don't think every verse or stanza or whatever the proper term is for the four line sections works as well as the others.

I think the opening is the strongest.

The second is quite good too though I think saying 
"To wash away my sins" would work better than "their sins" as it seems to be about him specifically in the line about pelting.

The third one I think the...flow or whatever is a bit off. The "and turned into a gale" and "so the taxi I did hail" lines.  I think if you shortened them just a bit it would flow better and sound more natural.  Maybe..

But the storm grew dark,
Breeze turned to gale,
I sought my own ark,
A taxi to hail.

The next portion seems to be a transition from the scene to the Biblical stuff.  I don't have any advice for it.  I tried reworking it in my head.  It's tough.

I quite like the rest of it.  You wrote the longest one by far and it's pretty damn good.  And it rhymes.  Good shit man.  Keep it up please.

I put together a little unofficial entry so I'm not just offering feedback without kinda sorta participating 

Covid

They say better the devil we know,
I'm not so sure of that.
All these places we used to go,
I wish we had them back

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Kassarock

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I put together a little unofficial entry so I'm not just offering feedback without kinda sorta participating 

Covid

They say better the devil we know,
I'm not so sure of that.
All these places we used to go,
I wish we had them back@BangoSkank

I wasn't planning to vote cos I entered, but I want to cast an unofficial vote for Bango's unofficial entry, because damn man... I feel that wish. Bango, why didn't you enter for real! This is legit my favourite out of all the entries.

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer

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@Kassarock but you can vote and/or give feedback when you entered the contest. I actually encourage people to do so. It's okay if you don't want to, of course, but I've had contestants vote and give feedback on other entries in previous contests.

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Kassarock

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@Calle I know I can vote for other entries, but so far the only one I would definitely vote above my own is Bango's. 

I will probably do a feedback post right before voting closes or just after it, I just don't think its helpful for me do so during the voting period, considering I myself am inherently biased because I'm a participant. I don't want to unduly influence the outcome of the contest until everyone has had chance to make up their own minds first.

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer

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@Kassarockthe voting thread always stays open after the voting deadline, so you can submit any feedback you have even a few days after the deadline.

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by pioneer10

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My contest vote goes to Wishing Well. 

The writer did a good job creating a short and effective piece that also fits the theme of the original prompt.

Hidden 4 yrs ago → 4 yrs ago Post by Zmija Sebastian

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HAZOP

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise

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I must stress that I am not especially good at judging short works. But I'm gunna give my vote to "The Wishing Well" just because the impact per word felt highest there.

Hidden 4 yrs ago → 4 yrs ago Post by Dion

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I vote for Fallen, even though I usually don't like religious motifs in my media, I think it gets across it's meaning especially well compared to some of the other entries. Others left me guessing as to what the intended meaning was behind certain things (if there was one at all) and while this is a stylistic choice I know others enjoy, I personally do not.

Best of luck to all contestants!

EDIT: and I think if there was an entry/prize for comedy, I think Regret would win that one. That one is very funny. 

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Shovel

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My vote goes to "My Wish"

Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer

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We had a diverse set of entries, so it wasn't a surprise the votes were likewise diverse.

My Wish, Fallen and Regret all got one vote each, but the winner is The Wishing Well with two votes.

Congratulations, your entry will be added to our Hall of Fame.

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