1st of his Name, 7th of his Kind, King Sebastian the 41st King of Naitsabes by @Zmija Sebastian

The Country Naitsabes has Mt. Plame naturally in the North dividing the Sea, the "Silver Sea", from the Country. It wasn't the first time the Serpent Kingdom Naitsabes had Besiegers courting war. Dolphins were climbing the mountain to invade the Country, this while.

Sebastian sprung backward into an upward lunge, jutting the sword belted on his back out of the scabbard - wanting just that Sebastian slinked forward arcing the sword to vector, and out as he spried forwards towards the floor. The double-edged sword slid out sharply, and not too fast, fore Sebastian had slithered into the left and reared to catch the guard of the sword, and handle, adjacent his neck. Coiling to keep position Sebastian balanced the sword asounder on his scales, stretched upward and downward to get the pommel heeved towards the floor, and slithered around his coiling to get it prominent in his viperous mass.
There, always poised to strike, the sword was balanced on the scales, and taunt with the belly. Sebastian jostled the sword wavingly, as he bided for the Challenger to make their move.

"Perfect, Sebastian - now remember to slay the Enemy with the jolt" Expressed his General-Commander, showing the lunge with his sword.

"I will carve out their brains, General." Said Sebastian.

"Good, yes- yes! Yes, that will do. When the enemy parrys you you will have might strengthening the resolve and stay forward, it is these moments that you will find available to carve out their sides. With more skill you can slither around them slicing and slashing within their defenses. It'll make a chop. - " The General saw a movement from another Officer "- The enemy has gotten some of themselves through our Commandos on the other side. If any get pass the Rangers at the height of the mountain the enemy will be capable of jumping downward. We're moving Knights into the Mountain now, and so are we." General-Commander Xander the Timber Rattlesnake swiveled to the Forces, and yelled "Company 1 sidewind to the North-West! Company 4 sidewind to the North-East! Company 3 reinforce position! Company 2, we're moving up straight, we'll slither in the roves!" The Army-Unit began to move. Sebastian flipped his sword into his scabbard, then merged with his Company.

Moving up the mountain the General-Commander halted the Company half way up the rise, just as fields began to trove. "Further up we'll be battling. I want Knights to have the weapons prepared" He pulled his sword out with his tail "Sebastian, I'm promoting you to Field Major. You are in command of the Thieves. Stay here for now. Alright, 2nd Company, move up!" And so they went.

Sebastian counted 12 Thieves, not including himself. "It will be our duty to steal any vital intelligence from the enemy, on the field. Preferably just the weapons so we can kill them ourselves. I'm not certain what these Dolphins might have, probably dagger like shielding, projectile weaponry, or active camouflage." He paused to look his Thieves in the eyes. "We will not be charging into the fields. I know it's the Knightly thing to accomplish for You, to Brigand and get glory sharpest than whatever, but I was a Ranger before being this now Thief you see before you. The Citadel had tactics about using the trees - that's what we're going to do. We're going to ambush them. You'll be on your own, the trees will guide us at our own pace, til our slithers are assailing the reaping gale of their woes! Aim for the heads if in doubt about enemy range." Sebastian vipered up the nearest tree, waited for the others, til they all cleared the canopy of the trees entering new jungle or forest heights, Sebastian shadowed.

23 Years later...

The Kingdom of Naitsabes had built a Sword-Deflection Academy of Mt. Plame. On the frontside of the mountain the Silver Sea was gorged with trees constructing an Arboretum that Dolphins wouldn't overstate, sanctioning the peace of the war, the "Bone War", for Ambassadors to colloquize.

Still a Kingdom, the 41st King, King Sebastian, 1st of his Name, and 7th Viper to attain the Royal Throne, pondered to what Delegates had gotten there that day. A Sea Eagle, and an Oceanic Blacktip Gray Reef Shark, "So, this... 'Golden Retriever', this - 'Governor', this Dog is abolishing rules of Petty Kingdoms, adjutating Magnates into Emissaries?"

"Yes, preposterous. They're being called 'Republican'." Said the Eagle.

The Shark sharpened that with "They're not slaves made Assassins, we still have what is Democracy. But unlike this Senate we herald here, they are covening an empire. ."

Sebastian spoke ". . A Campaign. . . Then. We Kings will need to reap into that land, heralding our Banners to slay, for the World, not just our Animals." He said as he was pouring mead into a skull. That's what gave him the idea to say next "Hmm, I was just about to think we needn't better skull goblets, because of the skulls sockets - and then the eureka occurred, instead of it being a lament to make the goblets into metal, the very socket itself reminds me of a crown." Astonished, he finished "I must make a Bone Crown for my Crusade."

The Others laughed proudly, together, raising their own skulls. The Sea Eagle spoke "Very Noble, verrry Noble! We could profit aside our Mercenary Armies, and have it be a Crusade instead!"

"I've been practicing thinking what they're doing is "anarchy", - We, we shall take them as, well, Peers, and revolutionize the survivors to our cause."

They all drank their red meads, to battle, to victory, to the next choice.

The End.

The Choice by @Salenea

Sitting in the dark, arms clasped around her legs and her head resting on her knees. She rocked back and forth slowly. Outside the sounds of thousands of people drifted up all the way to the tower. All hail the King, All hail the Queen, those words bombarded her. Her family, she knew that, but her mind was devoid of anything else. Empty but a voice trapped inside her mind that told her to make the Choice, a memory floating on the edge. Darkness was around her, inside her, she felt like she was under an evil spell but she knew deep down that she wasn’t. A shiver went down her spine when she heard more chanting outside, she wasn’t ready, for whatever she needed to be ready. She didn’t know, she knew nothing but the darkness. And pain, she remembered days of anguish, nights of pain, her last breath. But she shied away from it. Burying it deep, darkness and nothingness was better than that.
You have a Choice
She remembered a dream she woke up to earlier: a flame burning in her mind, a golden sky, spreading her wings.
Thunder, or maybe it was applause, thundered in her room. She pressed her hands over her ears and whimpered softly. She tried to hold the flame in her mind but it was fading again, and the words that belonged to it were fading again as well: find your way, you have a choice.
An hour had passed, or five minutes, or a day, she didn’t know. The darkness was unwavering, ever present, for all she knew she was born in darkness and was going to die in darkness.
No, she knew there was more. Her dream, the pain she remembered, the memory floating at the edge of her mind. Her family for whom people were chanting and thundering, praising and cheering. She wished she really had wings so she could fly away from it all. If she could see where she could go. Just fly away from it all, be free. Live again.
You have a Choice
Maybe she died and was at a crossroad. It was as if she could feel her last breath.
Maybe she was going to be born and was at a crossroad. It was as if she was waiting for her first breath.
Maybe it was her final day.
Maybe it was her first day.
You have a Choice.
She jerked her head up. Determination filled her mind, the flame from her dream became more clear. She was the Daughter, the First Daughter, and she was going to Live again. She felt a sense of pride, tucking it safely in her heart. The pain she shied away from earlier was welcomed as an old friend, something she had gone through to get here, something she most consciously chose. Without that pain she wouldn’t ever feel the pain of her people. Her people. Her Choice. Turning her head towards the sound she saw the flame before her, she reached towards it not afraid of getting burned. This would be her final day but also her first. She felt her heart flying, the voice that was trapped broke free and the words that were fading earlier became clear. You have the Choice, the Choice to lead or to walk away, find your Way. She was reborn. Standing up, head held high, she strided to the little flame and pressed her hands against it. Wood behind it. She pressed harder and shutters flew open. Golden light poured in and the horizon was filled with bright coloured flags and thousands of people. She stepped on the balcony and looked around. A balcony next to hers had the King and Queen standing on it, smiling at her, their daughter, Choosing to lead their people when they could not do it anymore. Choosing for the people of their Kingdom and keeping the Flame alive.

The Starless Kingdom by @Nymian



If you find yourself alone in the dark, beware - for you might just find yourself in Starless Kingdom. A place where the lost find themselves, and where suffering finds the lost. It wasn’t always so - for it used to be named Starlight Kingdom, where the stars seemed to shine just for them. Starlight Kingdom used to be a lively, bustling place - stars dancing in the sky, lighting the way. See, the stars were their only source of natural light. You have the sun, the moon, and the stars. They just had the night sky, and the stars to guide their way. Under the stars, the people were happy and safe. The kingdom earned its name when Galixi, God of the Stars, took back their only light source when his own had extinguished. The light in his life, a star called Lumses, had vanished. Lumses was rumored to glow so brightly her energy soaked into those in her presence, lending great benefits. Though the powers one would possess were just whispers, it was said that they could do great things. Angry, Galixi punished Starlight Kingdom - for he knew that the king, Icas, had stolen her.



The stars began to flicker brilliantly before disappearing. Soon the last one fluttered out, letting darkness spill across the land. Only a soft glow bounced in the distance.

“Where are you taking me?” Lumses cried out, as Icas dragged her along behind him, latched onto her wrist.

“Somewhere you’ll be safe.” Icas replied, trudging further along. “Somewhere Galixi will never find you.” It was Icas’ intentions to hide her away in a room he had built underneath his castle.

“You realize that he will destroy your kingdom searching for me.” Icas stopped and turned to face the star.

“That doesn’t matter. The one that possesses you yields great power, or so it is told. As long as I have you, I can do anything. I can destroy Galixi.”

“You fool. You can’t stop Galixi, and he will not stop until he gets what he wants. He is a god. You are but a king. A mere mortal.”

“But with you, to my people I will be a god. I will hold unimaginable power, and no one will be able to stop me.”

Lumses tried to come up with a rebuttal. She wanted to stall him, distract him to try to get away, because she feared what was to come. Her power in the wrong hands could corrupt the wielder.



Thunder echoed in the distance conveying Galixi’s fury. Lighting danced across the sky. Icas dragged Lumses what felt like miles below the castle. Finally reaching their destination, Icas threw Lumses in a room, tied a chain made of silver around her ankle, and left shutting the door behind him. The door, Lumses noticed, locked from the outside. She looked around the room, which only qualified as a room in the sense that it had four walls and a ceiling, and noticed that they were so far under the castle that there were no windows except for a small, barred cutout in the door. The only things in the room were herself, and a bare cot. She knew Galixi would find her if he could see her shine.

Lumses centered herself, and tried to unleash her power - hoping that if she shined bright enough, it would penetrate the walls, the earth, everything. She started to shine but it fizzled out.

Icas watched from the other side of the door.

“You can try all you want but your powers won’t work down here. The chain tied to your ankle is of a special kind. Binds anything tied with it, and any powers those bound by it may possess.”

Lumses looked down at the rope and tried to remove it. She looked for the knot so she could untie it, but couldn’t find anything.

“My dear - it’s an enchanted chain.” Icas chuckled, amused. “You can’t simply untie it. I bought it from a traveling witch in Stormhold. With word being that some witches are tricksters, I was worried I was sold nothing more than a silver trinket. So far, I feel it is a very useful purchase.”



King Icas had a son, Prince Keiren, his only child and next in line for the throne. The queen died during childbirth, and the king never remarried - leaving the king to rule alone and pass on this legacy to his son. After the queen died, King Icas’ heart grew cold and he sought to fill the rot that begun to take over. As he raised Keiren to be fit for the throne, he found ruling with terror and flaunting his power to be fulfilling. A terrorized, submissive kingdom proved to be much easier to control. But not nearly easy enough. He needed more. From then on, he set out to find anything said to bring him power. When Keiren reached a suitable age for understanding tales, Icas would sit him down each night and tell him stories of how one could possess the utmost power if they managed to catch a star.

“A real star? Like up in the sky?” Asked a young Keiren.

King Icas chuckled. “Yes, a real star. And one day, you will have one for yourself to rule with, for we will find one and I will pass it onto you once you take over the throne.”

“How do we get a star?” Keiren asked.

“You have to wait for one to fall. Or, steal it from a god.”



As the years passed and Keiren grew, the staff grew to loathe him, for he was nothing but a spoiled, entitled brat. There were no consequences for him, being the prince, and the king overlooked any wrong doings. He wreaked absolute havoc throughout the castle, becoming a nuisance. As he got older, he took to evading the staff looking after him and exploring the castle. One afternoon, as he was exploring the dungeon, he discovered a tunnel. Peaking his curious, adventurous nature, he followed it. The tunnel went on for what seemed like ages, and it seemed to be going further down below the castle. Finally, he reached a large room, with a door at the other side of it. He crossed the room to the door and peered in through the barred window. A woman with long, golden blonde hair in a pale blue silky dress lay on a cot with a silver chain attached to her ankle.

“What is it now, Icas?” She called, uninterested as she stared at the ceiling with her hands clasped atop her stomach.

“Who are you?” Keiren asked, trying to piece together what his father done.

Lumses sat up to look through the window to see Keiren staring at her.

“I should ask you the same thing. The only one that comes to see me is King Icas. My name is Lumses. And you are?”

“Prince Keiren.” He replied sternly. “Why does my father have you so far down here? What have you done?” He asked.

“What have I done?” She asked, taken aback. “Your father stole me and brought me here. He chained me to this cot with this enchanted silver chain, and has kept me down here for many years. I have done nothing.”

“Why did he bring you here?” He pressed further.

“He stole me from a god and hid me down here so no one would find me.”

“Why did he steal you from a god?”

“Because I’m a star. Anyone who possesses me hold great power.” She told him quietly. Keiren looked down, and then back at Lumses. He started to remember the stories his father would tell him when he was a child. So the stories were true.

“I’m going to find a way to get you out of here.” He told her. Currently, he had nothing to unlock or break this door. Surely his father had a key, he just had to find it.

“I’ll be back.” Keiren announced, turning to head back up the tunnel in search of something to free the star.



His next stop was his father’s study. He sauntered into the study, checking to see if his father was there. His father must’ve been out, as it stood empty. He checked the hall to see if there was anyone there. With the coast clear, he checked his father’s desk. Nothing but scrolls, quills, and ink sat atop the desk. He noticed a single drawer, and pulled it open. A small gold key, and a knife lay in the center. He hastily snatched up the items, shoving them in his coat pocket, closed the drawer and made his way back towards the tunnels.

“Ah, Keiren, there you are.” Boomed King Icas from the end of the hall, behind Keiren. He was headed to his study. “I’ve been looking all over for you boy.”

Keiren turned around “I’ve been out on the grounds milling about.” He said, which wasn’t unusual for him. At this point he had uncovered every nook and cranny and had found every good hiding place for when he wanted solace.

King Icas nodded and cleared his throat. “Yes, well, I need you to do something for me. Now that you’re of age to go out on your own, I need you to run a note over to a friend in a nearby kingdom.” He gestured for Keiren to follow him back to his study. He rounded his desk and stood in front of his chair, reaching for a tied scroll on his desk.

“Please run this over to Asterin. Here’s a map to take with you.” Icas handed him both the scroll and a folded map, which Keiren placed in the same pocket he stashed the key and knife in.

“The journey should take you no more than a week there and back. Staff should have your provisions ready in the stable with your horse prepared. You should leave immediately.”

Keiren bowed his head. “Yes sir, I will.”



Keiren made his way down the hall from his father’s study briskly. Once he was far enough away, he ensured there was no one around and made his way back to the tunnel. He rushed down the tunnel and into the large room, throwing the key into the lock.

“I’m back, but we have to hurry. My father wants me to take a note to a friend of his in Asterin.”

“Asterin? That’s where I’m from! But why would your father send you to Asterin?”

Keiren had entered the cell and took out the pocket knife, cutting the chain around Lumses’ ankle.

“I’m unsure of that myself, but if you want out of here this is your chance.” He took the chain and wrapped it around her waist, and the other end around his.

“You’ll need to stick behind me. This is simply to prevent us from getting separated, but we’ll have to move quickly. I’ve been instructed to leave immediately.” He wasn’t going to drag her behind him, but they needed to hurry.



Keiren made his way to the stables with Lumses in tow, making sure no one was following. Once at the stable he loaded his horse with the supplies that had been set aside for him, and threw Lumses on before climbing on himself. They set out for Asterin.

Once they were far enough away from Starless, Keiren stopped to pull out the map. A note fell out.



Keiren had spied a sword, but it was not common to go without one. He untied the scroll and opened it to see what he was sending to Asterin.



What a fool his father was. He was sending him on a suicide mission. He knew that Galixi would do anything to get back his star, including killing his own son.

“Keiren? Is everything okay? Are we lost?” Lumses asked from behind, still wrapped around him. Keiren handed her the note and the letter.

“Your father is a fool, but I told him as much the night he took me away. He’s sending you to die. You are no match against Galixi.”

“Yes but it says if I do, you’re mine. I can set you free if you’re free of Galixi.”

“Keiren, that’s a fool’s mission. You’ll die.”

“We have to try.” He grabbed the sword and slung it across his back, and they set off again.



After a day and a half of travel, thunder boomed off in the distance. They were nearing their mark. As they got closer to Asterin, it started to rain, getting heavier the closer to Asterin they got. Soon, it was raining so hard they couldn’t see a thing.

Lumses shrieked. “Let me go!” She was ripped from the horse. Seconds after, Keiren was ripped from the horse as well, still chained to Lumses. Some large brute had her slung over his shoulder, dragging Keiren along on the ground. He grabbed the knife tucked in his pocket and cut the silver chain around his waist, freeing him. The heavy rain blanketed the brute and Lumses and Keiren lost them.

“Keiren!” Lumses called out in the distance. He made his way towards her voice.



Once inside the gates of Asterin, the rain cleared. He made his way to the castle. Guards stopped him.

“Name and business.” The guard timbered.

“Prince Keiren, of Starless Kingdom. I come bearing news from King Icas.”

“The king of Starless would send his own son?” The guard laughed, a guttural laugh from deep in his belly. “Your father is a fool. He has sent you on a death trip. Follow me.” The guard motioned for Keiren to follow, leading him to Galixi.



Galixi sat in his throne, servants fanning him and feeding him grapes off a vine, lowering it into his mouth so he could pluck them off one by one, in true godlike fashion.

“Prince Keiren. So, your father has sent back my star. I’m so thankful for that. However, justice still needs to be paid.” Galixi waved off his servants, and rose from his throne. “Surely by now you understand, I have to kill you. This brings me no joy, but it is what must be done.”

Keiren grabbed the hilt of the sword strapped upon his back and readied himself.

With a simple snap of Galixi’s fingers, the fires lighting the room went out with a gust of wind, leaving them in darkness. A strike of lightning hit the center of room, filling it with blinding light, leaving Keiren unable to see. Keiren was knocked to the ground.

“No, Galixi let him be! He had nothing to do with any of this.” Cried Lumses

Keiren hit the ground hard, disorienting him after being blinded. As he gained clarity, he unsheathed the sword and got back on his feet.

Another strike. This time, he spun and parried, jabbing the sword out in front of him as hard as he could. Not being able to see, he had to rely on force. He hit something. Lightning struck again, and the fires reignited. Keiren let go of the sword, and Galixi, attached to the end of it, fell to the ground. As he gasped for air, his body shriveled and turned to dust.

Lumses rushed over to Keiren and wrapped her arms around him. “You saved me!”

Keiren leaned back to look at her. “You’re absolutely glowing.” He said. No longer in Galixi’s power, she had it back to herself again.

“My powers have returned to me, thanks to you. I am forever grateful.” She stared into his eyes, smiled, and then planted her lips on his. His eyes widened, but he leaned in and kissed her back.

“I give myself to you, as long as you’ll have me.” She said.



Once they returned home, they found that their stars had returned. The kingdom rang out with cheers and cries of joy.

When they arrived at the castle, the guards greeted them at the gate.

“Welcome home, King Keiren.” They said.

“King?” He asked.

“Aye, your father passed away the night you left. We’ve been waiting for your return. We’re all ready for the coronation.”

“Since we’re already having a grand event, why not make it a wedding?” He looked at his new love. She grinned, and glowed so brightly.

“I think that’s a grand idea.” She laughed.

“That settles it. Invite everyone, pull out all the stops. Starlight Kingdom has a new king and queen.



Together, King Keiren and Queen Lumses, rulers of Starlight Kingdom, vowed to keep the kingdom safe. They vowed to use their power for good, never letting temptation set in, knowing it would lead down a lonely path.

The kingdom never lost their starlight again.

The Royal Life by @Midnight stars

It was a dark day. Not a great day for celebration. But they where celebrating anyway...
Crystal, who was the heir to the Nightlight throne. Stomped into the large dining room that was in the palace. She sighed as she looked around. Crystal had a long white cat fair and fluffy white cat ears. As well as wings that look like angle wings. She sat down in her assigned chair and crossed her arms, waiting for her parents, the king and queen. To come out. Of course they where late. They always where.
Her mother. Queen Lily. Stepped into the dining room, supporting the white wings she was proud of. And finally, finally her father stepped in. King Stolas(name from the YouTube series Helluva Boss) , a lion hybrid who had somehow conceived a cat.
Crystal watched as her mother and father both stepped into the dining room and took their seats. Her father clearing his throat before speaking. "Crystal dear, me and tour mother have a little surprise for you." He said in his loud voice.
Crystals eyes lit up. "Really?" She smiled brightly, those purple eyes of hers glowing.
Her father smiled and nodded. "Today, you will start the search for a potential love interest for the time your 18 which isn't that far if I have to remind you.
Crystal swallowed, her mood souring in moments as she nodded. " Ok father.." She got up from the table and went to her room to get dressed. She got dressed in a pretty purple gown that matched her eyes. She got into the carriage which took her to a neighbor castle of a royal family that lived close to her own family.
Crystal was nervous as she slowly walked into the palace, which was smaller than her own but still made her nervous. Her wings where tucked and hidden, her tail stuffed into her pants and her ears shoved under her hair and held by a tiara.
The king welcomed her and she had dinner with their family, both of the boys in the family just.. Didn't fit. They didn't feel right to Crystal. But the Princess that sat next to the boys was a different story. Perfect flaming red hair and blazing eyes. Perfect body. She smiled at her but the princess glared at her. She looked down. The princess left.
Crystal excused herself and followed the Princess. She entered the room of the other princess. "Um.. Hello." She spoke in her soft and kind voice.
The other princess seemed to smile. "Hello. I'm Ember."
Crystal smiled bright and did a little curtsy. "Hello Ember, it is quite a pleasure to meet you. I am Princess Crystal, heir to the Nightlight throne." She said in the most formal voice she could muster.
Ember chuckled and then just busted out laughing.
Crystal looked around. "You must quiet down, if your parents find me in here I would be in trouble." She said, worried about how loud Ember was being.
Ember chuckled. "Don't you worry your pretty little ears off, I was just meaning to allow you to not cram those down, it must be terribly uncomfortable."
Crystal nodded. "It is." She admitted in a soft voice, taking her tiara off and letting her ears come out, pulling her tail out as well, feeling more releaved.
Ember seemed a little embarrassed before asking. "Can I um.. See your wings too?" She asked.
Crystal smiled. "Of course my princess." She said, spreading her wings wide, watching as Embers face lit up and she rushed forward, brushing her hand through the soft feathers. "So soft.." Ember whispered, eyes wide. "Aww thanks." Crystal said, feeling shy as she slowly wrapped her arms around the other princess and hugged her. They hugged for a while before gently letting each other go.
Crystal rubbed the back of her head. "Sorry for that.. I better get back to finding another person!" She ran off. "Wait!" Ember called but Crystal was already gone. Sadly they never saw each other again. Or did they?...

@Zmija Sebastian, this was interesting. I’m not sure if you were influenced by this, but it gave me Animal Farm vibes. Also, clever making the name of the kingdom Sebastian backwards. I found it amusing.

@Salenea, I really liked this. Although it is a tad repetitive, it read like poetry. While I don’t feel like this is a complete short story, this would be a strong starting place if you were to continue. I found myself wanting to see what she and the Flame would come to be. Really good effort.

@Midnight stars, this is a cute story. I would recommend working on sentence structure. You seem to break up. A lot of sentences. And it. Makes it harder to comprehend. When you break up the flow of the sentences like this, it comes off as if someone were speaking in a short, monotone manner, which I don’t feel was your intention with Crystal.

I don’t say this in the least to be mean, and please understand the above was an example, not meant to mock.

Overall, you’ve got a decent story. Just needs a little sprucing grammatically, and punctually.

I primarily write these reviews so that the writer in question can see what one of their readers thought of their work. The author of this piece has informed me in the past that they do not care to read my reviews.Thus, I have little desire to go over this piece in depth.

This entry is competently written for the most part. It doesn’t use a large array of complicated words to get its idea across, but still does so in an almost sing-song kind of way. That might not be to everyone’s taste, but I enjoyed it. I didn’t notice any spelling errors or out of place words either.

The entry’s plot was not quite as good. I could sum up everything by saying “a princess fights her nerves and becomes a queen.” It’s an alright plot for a short story, but it’s presented in a way that’s more confusing than interesting. We’re tossing around ideas like death and birth and choices and meanwhile her parents have aged gracefully and are just too old to rule. I don’t know much about her situation and she ended up coming across as melodramatic.If I knew more about her situation I would have been able to empathize with her more.

You’re really not too far away from a great entry with this. There’s a good idea here, it just needs to be built up a little more.

Also, single spaced paragraphs are not very friendly on the eyes. I know a lot of books are formatted that way, but it’s a lot harder to read on a computer screen. Especially if you don’t indent.

In contests like this, it’s easy to get carried away with experimental pieces instead of just telling a simple story well. It takes a certain amount of courage to rely on your writing ability to carry an entry rather than its gimmick.

And about the writing ability on display here…

It’s been mentioned that the writer needed more time with this, and it kind of shows. A lot of the dialog feels wooden and doesn’t convey much emotion. This isn’t made much better by the infodumps at the start of each segment. As an example, one such infodump tells us that the prince is a brat that never faces any repercussions for his actions. Something like that could be easily be shown doing something like this:

“Ahahahahahahhaha!” Keiren giggled as he ran down the hallway. He was dragging a row of sausage links behind himself while one of the chefs chased him.

“Oi! ‘Et back ‘ere ya ‘ittle brat!”

But the chef stopped his pursuit when one of the maids grabbed his shoulder. “Ah Bones, don’t wear ya self out chasin’ the little beastie. Ya know the king won’t let ya discipline ‘im anyway.”

That’s not to say all infodumps are bad, they just aren’t used very well here. They rob the dialog of the flavor it could have. It’s best to reserve them for things that would be cumbersome to describe at the moment.

But there’s a story worth hearing here.

*Wiggles finger* A furry wrote this, didn’t they?

I’m kidding, I don’t really have an issue with the point of view character being a deviantart adoptable avatar. I think there’s a nice story about interracial relationships here. In many ways, this is the best idea in the entire contest.

The issue is that it’s held back by some muddy prose. There are lots of sentences that don’t do anything and are out of order. Crystal looks around, then we’re told how she looks. There’s no real variety to the sentence structure, which makes a lot of the dialog feel stiff. The abrupt ending didn’t allow enough time for me to see if Crystal and Ember had good chemistry. Crystal thinks Ember is hot and Ember is fascinated that Crystal is a cat person. That’s it for their compatibility.

A better version of this story exists, and I know you can write it.

Also, single spaced paragraphs are not great for computer reading, Especially if you don’t indent.

The Starless Kingdom

It wasn’t the most carefully written, but it did have the most complete story.

Also when are you going to start writing for the contests again? I know you're judging them now, but how else am I going to read about spoony bards?