I CAN'T FACE THE DARK WITHOUT YOU

It was heart-wrenching, and as the thunder rumbled across the sky, one blonde girl with her wavy tresses a mess, was driving her heart out on her way to Mercy Central Hospital. The phone call she had received just a half an hour earlier had made her heart jump into her stomach, and as she sped in the rain, she could feel the tears running down her face. Her life always seemed to be one bad story after another, and always full of darkness. Ryan Lockhart wasn't ready to do this, and she was just hoping that things weren't as bad as theysounded. She was just an exit and fifteen minutes away, her car an absolute mess. The newer Chevy Camaro had been her home since she had gotten it when she was 16, and her parents' house was where she stayed when it was convient for them.

James had changed that though, and most of the time she would stay with him overnight, but all of that waschanging, as her parents finally found a cheap, but cute apartment that they would pay for. Ryan shook her head, pushing the thought from her mind as she lit up a cigarette and turned up the radio. She was trying very hard not to cry her eyes out. Maybe she was just over thinking things. Maybe it wasn't going to be so bad, but Hailey sounded so urgent, and Ryan couldn't help but to think the worst.

When she parked in the lot, she put out her cigarette, and she ran her fingers through her hair and she pulled her hair up into a loose bun, and she looked herself over. She was wearing a pair of black jeans and a large white t-shirt that she had snagged from James, but it was hidden beneath her large grey hoodie. She wiped the running mascara from under her eyes, and reached into her trashed back seat and pulled out a black bag. She opened up one of the pill bottles insides and shoved the medicine in her mouth before swallowing and heading into the waiting room.

And there they were. Hailey, Blake, and Joshua. All of them standing there, as if waiting for her. But Ryan froze when she saw them, her emotions were clearly not bright and optimistic as they normally were aroundthese three... now they were showing as the tears reformed in her eyes. James was in the hospital room, and Ryan could barely fathom what Hailey was feeling. She finally approached the group, and as she strode towards them, she could hear it. The damn voice. The one only James knew she heard.

I told you, my dear. I told you that all he would do is hurt you. the sickly, sweet voice rang faintly. I will always be here for you.

She faintly shook her head, and when she got o the group, her arms immediately went around Hailey. She was trying so hard to be strong, but she was only able to be strong for so long without knowing. And standing there with three of her closest friends was hard especially knowing that the last was in a hospital bed. James, her light, and someone she loved more than life itself, was in that hospital bed. It brought so much back to her, and a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. She should be in that hospital bed, as she had been so many times before. Or she should have been elsewhere like she had returned from at the beginning of the summer. Something James had lied for her about.

The car was packed full, as per usual, of her things, but this time, Ryan was in the passenger seat of her Camaro, and James was driving, making the two hour drive back from Waverly Institute. It had been quiet for the last ten minutes, and Ryan looked to James, who was focused on the road in front of them. "Do they know?" She finally whispered, and James could see the tears on her face. He reached over and took her hand in his, and she looked to him.

"I told them you were visiting your grandparents because it didn't look like your grandma was going to make it. This summer may suck a little, with you missing the last month of school and having to take a few weeks of summer school, but it will be fun as always." He assured her, and Ryan nodded. She had only talked to James while she was gone, her phone having been locked away while she was at Waverly.

"Thank you." She whispered, and he nodded as they came to the first red light before getting onto the highway. He leaned over and kissed her cheek, and she smiled.

"I just have to ask. What happened? You've been doing so good. Taking your meds, staying away from the hard stuff, going to your appointments. I just have to know." He asked, and she looked out the window, gripping tighter onto his hand.

"I guess the stress of the day and everything else, I juat relapsed. You know I can't control it." She said, and he nodded.

"We've missed you the last month and a half. I was going to come visit, but I got wrapped up with things at home." James informed her, and she nodded.

"It's probably better that you didn't." She said, and she turned on the radio, and looked to him. She leaned over this time and kissed his cheek. "I just want to get home."

And with that, James and Ryan continued on home, singing along to the radio, and when they got back, Ryan was pretty well attacked by the others, saying how much they missed her.

Ryan hadn't realized she had zoned out as much as she had, but the voice that came alerted her that she had been pretty gone. "Are you guys here for James Wilson?" The nurse asked, and when they nodded, she sighed. "Come, you may not have long to visit."

Ryan's heart dropped again, but as they followed the nurse, she tried to fight back the tears. Then they were let in the room where James was lying there, pale, and with IVs and oxygen tubes in him. Ryan froze at the doorway, the others entering before she did. She couldn't find it in herself to go in, but finally she did, and she stood at the foot of the bed, trying to hide her tears.

"Hey guys." He whispered, but it seemed to be as loud as he could talk, and when his eyes locked with Ryan's, he looked away, briefly. He then looked back and smiled, but he wasn't going to reassure them he was going to be okay. "Hey, don't cry."

Ryan looked to him, and she moved and sat on the bed, opposite Hailey, and took his hand in both of hers. "I'm glad you guys are here. This place is so... depressing." He said, swallowing hard. Ryan couldn't speak though, and she tried to warm up his hand. It was hard to see him like this. Someone who was so strong looking so weak, it was very hard.

---

I WILL NOT BOW, I WILL NOT BREAK, I WILL SHUT THE WORLD AWAY

Mercy Central Hospital. Joshua could count on his hands how many times he had been here. Once his freshmen year of high school after a rather stupid fight he and his father had where he fell down the stairs and broke his arm and sustained a slight concussion. Then there was sophomore year when Ryan had to have her appendix removed, and they all came to visit her to lift her spirits. Again later that year when James had to have his tonsils removed, and then again when Ryan got rear ended the summer before their Junior year and got a minor concussion. Mercy Central Hospital never felt so serious though because he always had his friends, and they were always laughing and smiling after the initial worry. This time was different.

Joshua had caught a ride from Blake after he had gotten the phone call, his father having borrowed the car that Joshua had saved for with his money from the job he had at the local movie theater while his was in the shop. And the car ride had been silent, considering how Hailey sounded on the phone. Joshua was unsure of what to make of it, but he wasn't in denial. It was bad, and he knew to brace himself for the worst.

When they entered the waiting room, and saw Hailey there, Joshua knew that Ryan hadn't made it yet, but knew she would be there any minute. This was James after all, and they all knew where the two stood with each other. It was obviousx and always had been, and after a while, they had stopped denying it. And to know how severe the situation was, he knew this wasn't going to be full of laughter... more or less, it would be drowning in tears.

He walked over to Hailey, and placed a hand on her shoulder, Blake would be better in this situation simply because he was more emotionally stable whereas Joshua just didn't really understand how to feel. He hadn't really needed to before this group. They had showed him that you needed people, and friends to get on in life. It had definitely changed his, and he owed it all to James.

He could remember the first time he met James, and it seemed that clinging to happy times would be best for now. He could vividly remember it all.

"Hey look, it's the little nerd boy." One of the eighth graders said to another of his friends. They had always picked on Joshua because he had to wear thick glasses and he was in all advanced classes. Standing at his locker, trying to get his books out and one of the eighth graders walked over and pushed him, knocking his books to the floor.

"What's the matter? Can't hold all your books in your arms?" He taunted, and Joshua picked up his books just to have them knocked out of his arms again. He sighed and continued to pick up his books and have them knocked down.

"Hey, pick on someone tour own size." A voice came, and Joshua knew him as James Wilson, having had gym with him. For a sixth grader, James was tall and built for his age. He had to have hit a growth spurt early, at least that was what Joshua had figured. After a moment the eighth graders walked off, and James helped Joshua pick up his books.

"Where are you going?" James asked, "The cafeteria is this way."

"I eat lunch in Mr. Erickson's classroom." Joshua admitted. James shook his head.

"Not today, buddy, you can sit with me and my friends." James smiled. "I'm James Wilson, by the way."

"I'm Joshua Brown." He responded, and James threw an arm over Joshua's shoulder as they walked to the cafeteria. When they got to the table, with their lunches, James smiled to the boy and girl already there.

"Joshua, this is Hailey, my sister, and Blake, my best friend. Guys, this is Joshua." He introduced and Joshua gave a small wave, setting his things down and sat with them and ate lunch.

To this day, it amazed Joshua how eating lunch with them once changed his life, but his eyes were soon on the door, where Ryan now stood, and she immediately walked over and hugged Hailey. Joshua could tell that she had been crying already, but he couldn't blame her, not exactly. This was hard, and soon they were allowed back to see James.

When they got back to the room, Joshua had never seen James in such a state. He looked pale and weak, like if you touched him he would shatter, but he still had a brave look in his eyes, like always. He sat off to the side in a chair, nearest Hailey, who was standing very close to her twin brother. Then Ryan came in, and hearing him talk was heart wrenching. He was sure that their parents were off getting something to eat, but still, seeing James like this was hard.

"So..." Joshua began, and James looked to him, turni g his head slightly to see him. "What happened?"

He wasn't sure if Hailey had known, but she didn't say anything about it. James shifted a bit, and he winced in pain. "They say my heart isn't pumping enough blood, so I passed out."

Joshua looked at him, and he knew now how grave the situation was, but seeing James be so brave gave him a bit of hope. He closed his eyes trying to process everything, but he was finding it very hard.

I'M SIX FEET FROM THE EDGE AND I'M THINKING. MAYBE SIX FEET, AIN'T SO FAR DOWN.

Things had taken a turn from good for Hailey to hell so quickly that even she was confused as to what was happening. Hailey had only left the house half an hour to go get some Chinese food before James and her parents left, tonight was their parent’s anniversary. Every year the twins had a tradition of eating dinner together, though since James and Ryan were no longer hiding their relationship she would often join them. She would get Chinese food before their parents left and then James would order pizza later that night, and Hailey was looking forward to having dinner with just her brother and maybe Ryan.

At least that was until she returned home to find the back doors of an ambulance being closed as she pulled up. Hailey didn’t even turn the car off before she got out, running to her mother who stood in the doorway trying not to cry. That was when her mother told her about James, that he had went pale and passed out in the middle of the living room. While Hailey was packing up some clothes to take to the hospital for James she called the group. Ryan had been first of course, not because she was more important, but because she was his girlfriend, then Blake and Joshua.

How Hailey sat in the semi-crowed waiting room, hands on either side of her face, long light brown hair lose and falling in front of her face. As she sat there trying her hardest not to start crying again. She wasn’t sure what was the worst part that they still hadn’t let her in to see him, that her friends still weren’t have, or that the one person that was responsible for everything she had and the person that kept her from hurting herself could be gone. Three months ago James had found out what she was doing, and he had been helping her since, just like he did everyone.

The day was easily in the top ten of the worst days of her life so far this year. Earlier that day she had waited at home all day for her boyfriend to come over, before texting him to figure out why he hadn’t come over, and that was when he broke up with her. He hadn’t even cared enough to tell her face to face, no it had been through text.

Hailey was sitting in the far corner of her small overly organized room, boiling her eyes out in the dark. It was no wonder her boyfriend had broke up with her, she was an ugly worthless bitch, a waste of space. She could have ended it all right then and really no one would have cared. Or at least that had been telling herself. The light to her bedroom turned on as she was pulling up the sleeve of her long sleeved shirt, because of the blinding light she didn’t have time to hide it as she normally did.

“What the hell are you doing Hailey?!” Her brother’s horrified voice came from the doorway before Hailey’s eyes adjusted to see her brother standing there with a plate of food. It was normal for her to lock herself in her room and skip dinner altogether, but this time she had forgot to lock the door.

“I….I was just…” She stuttered looking up at James as he sat the plate down on the table coming towards her, tears in her eyes, hand closing around the razor blade. James held his hand out for the blade looking ashamed of his twin sister. “I just wanted the pain to go away.” She told him handing the blade to him before the crying started again.

James sighed stick the blade in his pocket before hugging Hailey tightly. “It’s okay Hailey, I’m going to get you some help.” He whispered in her ear.

Ever since then Hailey had been in therapy which her parents hadn’t even really noticed, and Hailey was doing so much better. Though right now all she wanted was that damned blade, as she rubbed her sleeve against the scars from where she had long been cutting herself. Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she looking up at Joshua her eyes still puffy but not red, she gave him a fake smile and standing up. Before she could say anything however Blake walked up, wiping his arms around Hailey’s thin body into a bear hug, picking her off of the ground. She buried her face in his shoulder before he sat her on the ground, Hailey wiping her eyes with the long sleeve of her shirt.

Then Ryan was there hugging her as well, she knew that it had to be just as hard on Ryan to have James in the hospital as it was for her. Soon they were able to see James, he looked so weak and pale lying in the hospital bed with oxygen tubes and IV’s in him. It made her want to start crying again as she went to stand beside her twin, Ryan moving to the other side of the bed.

Even though things looked terrible, Hailey was in denial of how bad it was. She couldn’t lose her brother, she couldn’t. "Well there has to be something that the doctors can do to make it better. Right?" She said softly show in how much denial she was in. When James didn't answer right away Hailey shifted slightly as James told what the doctors had said what was wrong with him, making her brother look at her, he gave Hailey the same smile he had been giving the others taking a hold of her hand. Even though Hailey didn’t say anything more she gripped his hand lightly looking at the floor. The last thing James needed was to see her sadness for him.

---

IF I TURN MY BACK I’M DEFENSELESS. AND TO GO BLINDLY SEEMS SENSELESS.

Blake hated hospitals, a whole building of sick and hurt people, it brought back memories he chose not to remember. However most of the times he went to Mercy Central Hospital anymore when he went to see one of his friends things never seemed to be serious. Only the tone of Hailey’s voice when she called him said this was different. He had been helping his little with some summer school project when she called him last, she had broke down and started crying towards the end of the phone call. He woke his mother up telling her what happened and that he couldn’t watch his brother anymore. Not even making it to his jeep before Joshua called asking to catch a ride because his father took his car.

Picking Joshua on the way to the hospital, the ride was quiet not even the radio playing and Blake too far into his own thoughts to even feel like talking. Since James and Blake met in kindergarten they had been like family, second grade when Blake’s father left and his mother was pregnant for his brother Blake stayed at James and Hailey’s house more than his own. In some ways the two twins were more of a family then his mother was to his brother and him.

When they got to the hospital he dropped Joshua off at the doors before going to park the jeep in parking spot, circling until he found somewhere closest to the doors. He sighed putting his head against the steering wheel closing his eyes for a moment as his thoughts went back to his sixteenth birthday.

“The rain was pouring outside soaking every itch of his clothes as he walked up the driveway to James and Hailey’s house. It was about a two hour walk from house to house, and the rain and darkness hadn’t sped up his walk either. It was almost ten in the evening by the time he knocked on the door.

When James opened the door he was clearly surprised to see Blake but it still didn’t stop the smile that always seemed to find itself on his face. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out to dinner with your mom?” James asked moving to the side to let Blake in.

He shook his head frowning coming inside. “No, she’s drunk ranting and raving again. I had to get out of there before I just snapped again and get something I regretted this time.” He answered running a hand through his black hair.

“Did you leave Tim there with her?” James asked closing the door before more rain could get in.

Blake shook his head turning to look at him. “No, I left him over at my aunts. But some of my families in town staying with her, there was only room for him. I was wondering if I could stay the night here again?” He asked.

James smiled nodding and patted Blake on the back moving past him. “They won’t care as long as you stay in the bottom half of the house.”

Clearing his throat and putting his guard up he walked into the hospital, walking up to Hailey as she stood and wrapping his arms around her into a tight hug, picking her off the ground as he did, letting Hailey bury her face in his shoulder before sitting her on the ground. The nurse said they could go see James, though the fact she also said they may not have long to visit was a little disheartening, it wasn’t as much as actually seeing his friend weak in the hospital bed. The smile was fake, Blake knew a fake smile when he saw one. Moving on the other side of the bed close to Ryan he leaned against the wall not having a seat to sit in.

I CAN'T FACE THE DARK WITHOUT YOU

It was heartbreaking, seeing James, their best friend, their essential leader, lying there in the hospital bed the way he was, and it felt foreign. He was the strongest person Ryan had ever met, even stronger than Blake who wasn't far from her leaning against the wall. His hands were so cold too, and all Ryan could do was try to pull herself together long enough ao no one could see how badly she just wanted to shut off. Because she wanted to, desperately, right then. She didn't want to face the reality of the situation, but it was deafening her now.

Hailey's question hadn't fallen on deaf ears, Joshua's voice coming through. "There is plenty they could do."He said, but his voice sounded different, and Ryan looked up, James turning his head to look at Joshua. "There are tests they could run, there are medicines-"

"Joshua," James said, and Ryan looked to him before tightening her grip on his hand slightly. Joshua might have been the brain, but right now his logical thinking wasn't helping, and once James had said his name, the room fell eerily quiet. The beeping of the machines was a grim symphony, but finally Ryan found it in herself to speak.

"James?" Her voice was soft, very oddly soft in fact. Her eyes traveled to her hands that were clasped firmly around one of his. "How long?"

Joshua looked up to her, completely confused. It was an odd question, but the look on James's face had said it all. How he hadn't picked up on it, Joshua was now baffled. There was no way that... he would have... but then... Everything started spinning a little more as James remained silent and looked to Ryan. It didn't surprise him that Ryan caught on, but now he felt deeply hurt. James didn't tell them, any of them it seemed... and why?

"About a month now." His voice was hoarse, but he cleared his throat, and Joshua felt strange. He wasn't used to James keeping secrets like that, he was probably the most open of the group.

"Why?" Joshua felt the need to ask it because it seemed like no one else would. Whether or not it was an understanding thing, or if it was just sheer shock... Joshua had to know.

"Because, I didn't want you to worry about me. I was taking my medicine correctly, but..." he paused, and hiseyes rolled back a moment, and Ryan held on to his hand, but she felt him not holding back. It wasn't at all like him, but then she looked up and the loud beep that came after told her why. Everything else happened so fast it was all a blur. They were being rushed out of the room and the door slammed behind them. The curtains were pulled shut and a nurse brought them back to the waiting area.

But they already knew, her words falling on deaf ears, and Ryan stood there beside Hailey, and brought her arms around her. It was the only comfort she had, and it kept her from crying solely because she was trying to stay strong for her. She owed them, and James, that much. He had been so strong for her, saved her life really, and now she felt the deep ring of it in her soul, so much so she visibly shook for a second.

Joshua was still in shock, and he looked to Blake. He didn't know what to do, and he was starting to feel lost... a feeling he had been used to before, but now it was foreign, and he just couldn't justify it. James didn't deserve this, none of them did really, but soon the doctor came out, and the world paused, at least that was how it felt.

"I'm sorry... we did everything we could." He apologized.

I WILL NOT BOW, I WILL NOT BREAK, I WILL SHUT THE WORLD AWAY.

I'M SIX FEET FROM THE EDGE AND I'M THINKING. MAYBE SIX FEET, AIN'T SO FAR DOWN.

Hailey looking up at Joshua as he started to answer her question, almost getting hopeful that there was something that could be done for James. Their….their father could pay for tests and medicines easily! If not then Hailey would get a summer job to help pay and… Her thoughts were cut short by James saying Joshua’s name, and Hailey looked over at her brother confused as the whole room fell so quiet that if there weren’t machines beeping around them, then you could have heard a pen drop.

Blake was confused by her question, and the fact that James cut Joshua off. If there was a way to help what was going on. Why not treat it? If there was time to make him better, why not do it? Blake might not have been quite the brainiac like Joshua, but it seemed like cutting him off and not doing what he suggested was stupid even to him.

Hailey couldn’t help but frown at Ryan’s question, not just because it was strange, but because James would never keep secrets from them…from her. Other than the secrets of their friends, James told her everything, he always did She started to open her mouth to say something about Ryan’s careless, to even ask him something like that. To think he wouldn’t tell them. She didn’t see the look on his face, the look that would have more than made it clear. However, before she had a chance to cuss Ryan out, James said it had been about a month. A Month! How hadn’t she noticed? Or Ryan? Hell how could none of them notice!?

Then there was loud beeping and time seemed to slow down to her as she went into pure shock mind trying to make sense of things. The words everyone was saying blurred and distorted, the nurse having to lay a hand on Hailey’s back to guide her out of the room, and into the waiting room. As Ryan’s arms went around her, everything sped up quickly, and she couldn’t help but feel like crumbling in the warm embrace of her friend as she returned the hug. However, she fought the urge knowing that she had to be strong, or at least until she wasn’t around her friends.

Blake wasn’t quite sure what to feel at the moment, the doctor hadn’t come out yet, so he didn’t know what was going on. Should he hope that his friend would pull through or just start morning the loss? Feel angrily that James keep the truth from them, or understand the reason he didn’t tell? His face was a whole range of emotions that he couldn’t figure out which was right. Eyes going to look back at Joshua, clearly he wasn’t the only one still in shock. Blake shifted a little to compose himself as the doctor came into the waiting room.

Hailey didn’t even need the doctor to tell her, she already knew, or at least part of her did. The part that fell like a piece of herself was just ripped away, even around her friends she felt completely alone. This still don’t soften the blow of the truth, however, unable to act as strong as the others after the doctor left she sat in one of the waiting room chairs and started crying her eyes out.

IF I TURN MY BACK I’M DEFENSELESS. AND TO GO BLINDLY SEEMS SENSELESS.