Sheet Critiques and Free Hugs

[spicykvnt]

I've been told in the time that I've been using this site, and roleplaying with others that I give nice feedback for various roleplay elements like sheets, posts, etc. I've been feeling a little out of touch with writing recently, and have been having something of a breather from the hobby. One of the ways I always manage to find myself reenergised, and with a spark is by spreading some kindness and uplifting people.

So, if any of you have a sheet, or even a standalone roleplay post that you're proud of -- please post it in here, and I will do my best to give you a critique and some feedback on your work.

Obviously if this thread is successful, there would be a lot of work for me to go through, so I'll respond in a first in, first out manner when I have the time to do so. I'm also not familiar with a lot of the fandoms out there - so if your work is part of a fandom, let me know what that is so that I can have a little context. All I ask, is please do not private message me your work; post it in the thread.

Finally, if I spend time critiquing your work - consider paying it forward to another person in the thread by giving feedback for them too. I think that about covers it.

I'm looking forward to reading your work, lovely people of the Guild!

[DELETED jdl3932]

Hmm. Well here's a sheet I feel isn't complete ass. Granted, I myself feel the history could be polished. As for the rest, it's for a non dice rolling D&D adventure RP that's about to start soon, hence why there isn't too much detail in those regards.

Faelyn Ta'vir

"The weak of this world perish so that the strong might have a better foundation on which to forge their fate."

Age: 220 years old, naught more than a young adult in the eyes of other Ta'vir.
Gender: Male.
Race: Elven. Ta'viri specifically.

Appearance: Standing at around an average-for an elf anyway-height of six feet tall, with pale skin, icy blue eyes, almost withered looking snow white hair, the usual pointy ears, delicate features, a muscular physique, and a face that seems to be stuck in a perpetual scowl, Faelyn cuts quite the imposing figure on his own. When clad in his full suit of fur lined plate armor, however, his appearance shifts into something outright draconian as he goes from looking like naught more than a grim wraith, to a herald of death itself. As for the armor itself, it is all etched silvers and dark greys, with a crimson black cloak woven into the upper back portion of the suit and a high collar designed to keep the wearers neck at least somewhat protected.

Favored Alignment Major and Minor Focuses: Chaotic Evil. This does not mean he is a psychopath however. He is more than capable of using logic and reason, and will not needlessly backstab those to whom he is aligned unless it becomes imperative to do so.

Favored Class Archetype Major and Minor Focuses: Frontline Combatant/Divine Spellcaster.

Equipment

• A full suit of steel plate with fur lining.
• One cured leather travel pack containing some medicinal tinctures, whetstones, food, a sealed water skin, and supplies for camping such as a bedroll.
• A steel longsword kept in a sheath wrapped around his waist.
• An assortment of first aid supplies, stowed in a hardened leather case also strapped to his waist, such as sutures, bandages, thread, needles, and the like in case of injury. One cannot be strong with a failing body after all.

Signature Techniques

Xor'laths Fury: Calling upon the power of the demon within him, Faelyn channels its dark presence into his gauntlets, overlaying them with claws of burning shadow he can use to rip his foes limb from limb. He can only keep these in existence for a short time, however, as they loose integrity with each strike.

Xor'laths Bulwark: Drawing upon the dark powers of Xor'lath once more, he summons forth its essence through sheer force of will and converts it into an umbral dome that radiates outwards one foot in diameter, and blocks incoming projectiles. The shield can be worn down over time, and Faelyn cannot move whilst projecting it, as it requires concentration to maintain. This also means he cannot be distracted while using it either, as one break could cause it to drop.

Wrath of The Ta'viri: Digging deep, Faelyn taps into his inner rage and ambition to win, using his blade to pummel foes with a barrage of uncoordinated strikes. While powerful, this technique is far from accurate and leaves him wide open to counterattack.

Stance Shift: Faelyn readies himself to shift into one of three stances. Aggressive, defensive, or adaptive. The first, aggressive, is self explanatory. The second, defensive, is also easy to comprehend, though he uses his sword to deflect attacks rather than a shield. And the last, adaptive, is more of a 'wait and see' approach where he prepares to shift into either aggressive or defensive depending on the circumstance.

Battle Focus: Faelyn, having spent years surviving in the harsh hellscape that is his homeland, has figured out how to tap into a long forgotten technique once used by his peoples ancient warrior priest caste. By looking within and finding a mental void of sorts, they could effectively detach themselves from their physical forms, becoming apathetic towards their own bodies. This, while a great boon to combat, was extremely damaging towards their overall longevity as it would make it all too easy for them to be taken unawares by their foes, since they could no longer feel the bite of stone, iron, or steel on their skin.

History: Born in the frozen expanse of Ayqar in the far north, Faelyn learned from an early age that to be weak was to accept death. So he took this lesson to heart and applied it in everything he did, although not in a way anyone from his hometown of Caelora had expected. First, he sought entry into the local guard regiment. It was far from easy, there were many times when the most lax of their conditioning exercises almost killed the young Faelyn, but he managed to make it in. From their he served for at least one century, gradually working his way up the ranks to captain. While most would have thought him content with this position, anyone with a sharp enough eye would have recognized this achievement as nothing more than the first steps of an even grander plan. One that would take him far beyond the confines of his small mountain village. Taking command of his new contingent of men, along with some of the better equipment he now had access to as a regiment captain, he set out to face his greatest challenge yet.

He ventured forth into the wastes to slay the demon Xor'lath.

Or that's what he told everyone else anyway. In reality his plan was to find the demon, who had been tormenting the area for the last six hundred years by this point, and let it possess him. The plan was that he would offer it his physical form, as such creatures were driven by an insatiable urge to walk about in mortal flesh, and then capture its will in a mental vise as strong as iron so that he could use its powers to his own ends. So, with this insane plan secretly festering in the back of his mind, the newly minted commander and co set out, beginning a month long trek into the frozen tundra. Several died during this march, from starvation as the rations ran conspicuously low, or hypothermia as many of the supplies with which they set up camp were lost along the way. After a few more weeks, and several deaths later, the considerably smaller group finally arrived at the cave the demon was rumored to haunt, though for what reason or purpose no one knew.

Venturing inside, the group was quickly overcome by the overwhelming scent of burnt something, and darkness that was deeper than the ever present shroud of steel gray clouds that blanketed the land, hiding the suns glorious face from view for most-if not all-year round. Pushing past it, the remnants of Faelyns squad moved forward, as he had not come this far only to be deterred by mere smoke and shadow. Plunging in deeper, Faelyns men made a great deal of progress before being stopped, a wall of pure solid darkness blocking their way. Searching, but ultimately unable to find a way around the obstruction, they started to turn back when the barrier came to life. Surging toward them, it pierced their armored forms with seething umbral spires, before rushing up at Faelyn, who was unfazed by the whole ordeal.

Everything was going according to plan, after all.

As the wave approached, slamming into the tunnels walls as it writhed forward like some kind of seething beast, Faelyn held his arms out wide in a gesture of welcome to the foul evil as he prepared himself for the mental war that was about to ensue. It felt like an eternity before the mass hit him, but when it did, it felt as though he had been enveloped in a raging inferno. As though he had been cast down into the depths of the abyss itself. More terrifying than this, however, was the ominous presence he now felt lingering in his mind. The presence of Xor'lath. What happened next is hard to describe, and even harder for Faelyn himself to remember so great was the struggle, but it ended with him as the victor. Xor'lath had been defeated, his consciousness buried deep within Faelyns own mind, and his powers claimed. Striding forth from the cavernous depths, the inside still smelling strongly of sulfur and burnt stone, Faelyn emerged a new man. Setting out into the frozen wastes once again, Faelyn made his way back to Caelora.

Alone.

But this hardly mattered to him of course. He had gotten what he'd set out to find. No matter the reaction those he called kin had upon his arrival, it would not make his successes thus far any less sweet. When he finally made it back, he found the reactions of those who called the place home mixed. Some whispered he had led those men out there on purpose, perhaps to silence them for witnessing some secret act they were not meant to see, while others maintained his innocence, writing off the whole thing as a series of unfortunate events that had regrettably claimed the lives of several good men. One thing was unanimously recognized by the inhabitants of Caelora, however.

Faelyn had changed. Where once he was determined, dedicated to surviving no matter the cost, now he had become more lax. Overconfident. As though there was nothing in the world that could touch him. A foolish notion to be sure, one almost as moronic as the individuals that had thought it up. Faelyn was well aware of just how many things in this world could kill him, especially if he wasn't careful. No, he wasn't confident, he was acting. Executing yet another part of his intricate plan. For you see, as he had made his way back towards the village he ran into a party of exiles. Elves considered Ta'viri no longer, and thus elves who were no longer worthy of holding the name. Why they had been cast out he didn't bother to learn. Instead he made contact with their leader, and gave him an offer. In exchange for vengeance and spoils, he would help them destroy the village from whence he hailed, showing them the most efficient way of infiltrating its watch and slaughtering its people once night fell. His reasoning, while mercilessly paranoid and brutal, did make some modicum of sense however. If one were an insanely selfish madman that is.

You see Faelyn felt as though he should have no ties to his former life. Not only because those he had called friends and family would no doubt suspect his hand in deciding the fates of the lost guards, but also because he knew future enemies had a weak point to attack in the form of his parents and siblings. Something that he simply could not allow. So once he had secured the exiled leaders agreement, he had the entire warband follow him back to the town, where they then set up camp just behind one of the surrounding ridges. The perfect spot for an ambush as it allowed them easy access to the village below.

And so he committed the ultimate betrayal.

Once he had settled back in, he waited till midnight, and gave the signal for the exiled warband to attack. And so they did. Riding down, torches ablaze and weapons drawn, they charged down into the village in droves, slaughtering everyone they came across. Putting homes and other structures to the flame, and causing havoc in general. The local guard tried to fight back of course, but during one of his speeches Faelyn had held a vigil of sorts for the fallen, in which he had given his men a certain type of ceremonial bread that was laced with a potent-yet delayed-toxin that would induce seizures in the muscles approximately one hour after ingestion. This, combined with the suddenness of the assault itself, made any defense they could have mounted useless, and the guards quickly found themselves overrun and killed. When all was said and done, Faelyn and the exiles were the only ones left standing in the razed remnants of Caelora. Their business concluded, each party went their separate ways. The exiles back into the frozen wastes, and Faelyn to the south. To the great cities. Places he hoped would offer shelter from the wrath of the Ta'viri elders, for a time anyway.

Unfortunately for him, Faelyn would find himself unable to complete that journey. About two days into it he saw the lands around him warp and twist, as though one of the gods was having a bit of fun throwing their power around, before settling into a stable state once more. But when they did, he was not on the road heading south, but in another place entirely.

A dark, foreboding, land...

The land of Barovia.

Miscellaneous: The hostile northern conditions Ayqar, the land in which the Ta'viri live, has forced them to become an extremely tight-knit and communal society, something most clearly reflected in the way they name themselves and their offspring. Rather than giving them a familial surname that is passed down from generation to generation, changing slightly with each coupling, Ta'viri children are named after the clan itself. So an elf from their tribe by the name of Nuovis, would have the surname Ta'vir regardless of bloodline. This obviously causes a great deal of confusion amongst those not knowledgeable of their customs, and has led to them becoming the butt of many a joke, especially when two individuals of similar naming are involved.

Although they often fall to violence or exposure more often than old age, Ta'viri are capable of living upwards of a thousand years at least.

During combat, as he becomes more and more exhausted, Faelyn will find it harder to keep Xor'lath under control. This is the main reason he prefers to end fights sooner rather than later, and why he cannot wield the demons powers for longer periods of time.

Although the acts he has committed would see him labelled an exile and stripped of the right to call himself Ta'vir by the elders of the clan, Faelyn still chooses to use the surname. In his mind he did nothing wrong save for tying up a potential loose end-or that's what he's convinced himself of anyway-so why should the name be taken? It was not his fault, after all, that his family and friends had been too weak and trusting to take the prerogative and check into his story. To make sure the man they saw return was still the same one they saw leave.

[spicykvnt]

*Free Hug*

Faelyn Ta'vir

Badass art choice friend, that image definitely already paints an idea in my mind of who this character is!

"The weak of this world perish so that the strong might have a better foundation on which to forge their fate."

That’s a powerful quote, along with the picture I’m already getting a feel for Faelyn. It’s very foreboding and dramatic and my immediate thought was that it reminds me of a great villain of Final Fantasy -- Sephiroth, with the image as well. I love it! These small details always come together for people who view your sheet and you know it.

Age: 220 years old, naught more than a young adult in the eyes of other Ta'vir.
Gender: Male.
Race: Elven. Ta'viri specifically.

Appearance: Standing at around an average-for an elf anyway-height of six feet tall, with pale skin, icy blue eyes, almost withered looking snow white hair, the usual pointy ears, delicate features, a muscular physique, and a face that seems to be stuck in a perpetual scowl, Faelyn cuts quite the imposing figure on his own.

All of these descriptors are fantastic, and feel true to the character - but just cutting back and then padding out one or two will really elevate your writing to the next level, and add that layer of polish that you’re looking for. When writing an appearance section, I like to take a ‘thing’ and add an action to it;

“Standing at an average height of six feet tall, Faelyn cuts an imposing figure. From his height, he stares down upon those beneath him through his cold and arresting gaze, his blue eyes almost as pale as his skin”

Doing this adds a few things - it adds a character quirk that aligns with his personality, and it builds on his presence. It then becomes so much more powerful. He doesn’t just have icy blue eyes - he has a terrifying stare. I love the description of his withered hair, by the way.

When clad in his full suit of fur lined plate armor, however, his appearance shifts into something outright draconian as he goes from looking like naught more than a grim wraith, to a herald of death itself. As for the armor itself, it is all etched silvers and dark greys, with a crimson black cloak woven into the upper back portion of the suit and a high collar designed to keep the wearers neck at least somewhat protected.

”grim wraith, to a herald of death itself.”

Okay so this is a gorgeous description and I love it - it suggests how quickly he can turn from x to y, which again aligns to his chaotic evil nature and just the term ‘herald of death’ is villainous enough alone. Fantastic stuff!

*Ooooh, a quick and exciting thought -- what if his name is Faelyn the Herald? He could also have a very ominous nickname that he is known by -- a reputation, if you like.

Favored Alignment Major and Minor Focuses: Chaotic Evil. This does not mean he is a psychopath however. He is more than capable of using logic and reason, and will not needlessly backstab those to whom he is aligned unless it becomes imperative to do so.

Favored Class Archetype Major and Minor Focuses: Frontline Combatant/Divine Spellcaster.

Equipment

• A full suit of steel plate with fur lining.
• One cured leather travel pack containing some medicinal tinctures, whetstones, food, a sealed water skin, and supplies for camping such as a bedroll.
• A steel longsword kept in a sheath wrapped around his waist.
• An assortment of first aid supplies, stowed in a hardened leather case also strapped to his waist, such as sutures, bandages, thread, needles, and the like in case of injury. One cannot be strong with a failing body after all.

Signature Techniques

Xor'laths Fury: Calling upon the power of the demon within him, Faelyn channels its dark presence into his gauntlets, overlaying them with claws of burning shadow he can use to rip his foes limb from limb. He can only keep these in existence for a short time, however, as they lose integrity with each strike.

Xor'laths Bulwark: Drawing upon the dark powers of Xor'lath once more, he summons forth its essence through sheer force of will and converts it into an umbral dome that radiates outwards one foot in diameter, and blocks incoming projectiles. The shield can be worn down over time, and Faelyn cannot move whilst projecting it, as it requires concentration to maintain. This also means he cannot be distracted while using it either, as one break could cause it to drop.

Wrath of The Ta'viri: Digging deep, Faelyn taps into his inner rage and ambition to win, using his blade to pummel foes with a barrage of uncoordinated strikes. While powerful, this technique is far from accurate and leaves him wide open to counterattack.

Stance Shift: Faelyn readies himself to shift into one of three stances. Aggressive, defensive, or adaptive. The first, aggressive, is self explanatory. The second, defensive, is also easy to comprehend, though he uses his sword to deflect attacks rather than a shield. And the last, adaptive, is more of a 'wait and see' approach where he prepares to shift into either aggressive or defensive depending on the circumstance.

Battle Focus: Faelyn, having spent years surviving in the harsh hellscape that is his homeland, has figured out how to tap into a long forgotten technique once used by his peoples ancient warrior priest caste. By looking within and finding a mental void of sorts, they could effectively detach themselves from their physical forms, becoming apathetic towards their own bodies. This, while a great boon to combat, was extremely damaging towards their overall longevity as it would make it all too easy for them to be taken unawares by their foes, since they could no longer feel the bite of stone, iron, or steel on their skin.

What I appreciate in your skillset here, is the variation and also that you’ve written a weakness to each one. This makes him feel a lot more real and that he’s also vulnerable -- not some all powerful being. I like that his powers and skills are so heavily tied into his emotions as well, that can lead to some really fantastic writing and moments throughout the roleplay.

History: Born in the frozen expanse of Ayqar in the far north, Faelyn learned from an early age that to be weak was to accept death. So he took this lesson to heart and applied it in everything he did, although not in a way anyone from his hometown of Caelora had expected. First, he sought entry into the local guard regiment. It was far from easy, there were many times when the most lax of their conditioning exercises almost killed the young Faelyn, but he managed to make it in. From there he served for at least one century, gradually working his way up the ranks to captain. While most would have thought him content with this position, anyone with a sharp enough eye would have recognized this achievement as nothing more than the first steps of an even grander plan. One that would take him far beyond the confines of his small mountain village. Taking command of his new contingent of men, along with some of the better equipment he now had access to as a regiment captain, he set out to face his greatest challenge yet.

He ventured forth into the wastes to slay the demon Xor'lath.

That was a lot of backstory in one paragraph - it felt almost like you were following a formula to get him from a to b. It feels like his childhood is important, so perhaps expanding on it would give more insight into his psyche. That said, the line on its own about his quest is fantastic. It’s punchy, it immediately grabs my interest, and that’s when it starts to feel like this is his story.

Or that's what he told everyone else anyway. In reality his plan was to find the demon, who had been tormenting the area for the last six hundred years by this point, and let it possess him. The plan was that he would offer it his physical form, as such creatures were driven by an insatiable urge to walk about in mortal flesh, and then capture its will in a mental vise as strong as iron so that he could use its powers to his own ends. So, with this insane plan secretly festering in the back of his mind, the newly minted commander and co set out, beginning a month long trek into the frozen tundra. Several died during this march, from starvation as the rations ran conspicuously low, or hypothermia as many of the supplies with which they set up camp were lost along the way. After a few more weeks, and several deaths later, the considerably smaller group finally arrived at the cave the demon was rumored to haunt, though for what reason or purpose no one knew.

I’m interested in how he learned about demon possession. I think that when we write a character sheet, we get lost in the play by play of events when we could focus more on character and story elements. I am picturing Faelyn hunched over late at night, getting lost in the pages of forbidden tomes as his hunger and urge to be possessed grows stronger. I care more about that, than his unnamed soldiers who died to get there with him. His internal journey is more interesting to me, anyway.

Venturing inside, the group was quickly overcome by the overwhelming scent of burnt something, and darkness that was deeper than the ever present shroud of steel gray clouds that blanketed the land, hiding the suns glorious face from view for most-if not all-year round. Pushing past it, the remnants of Faelyn’s squad moved forward, as he had not come this far only to be deterred by mere smoke and shadow. Plunging in deeper, Faelyns men made a great deal of progress before being stopped, a wall of pure solid darkness blocking their way. Searching, but ultimately unable to find a way around the obstruction, they started to turn back when the barrier came to life. Surging toward them, it pierced their armored forms with seething umbral spires, before rushing up at Faelyn, who was unfazed by the whole ordeal.

Everything was going according to plan, after all.

I am always a fan of one line bangers like this. And the paragraph above it has such a great description of the cave and the atmosphere. This line; he had not come this far only to be deterred by mere smoke and shadow” suggests his arrogance and confidence and great desire for this demon -- which again, I want to know how he obtained that. It’s a great little insight into his psyche and his personality.

As the wave approached, slamming into the tunnels walls as it writhed forward like some kind of seething beast, Faelyn held his arms out wide in a gesture of welcome to the foul evil as he prepared himself for the mental war that was about to ensue. It felt like an eternity before the mass hit him, but when it did, it felt as though he had been enveloped in a raging inferno. As though he had been cast down into the depths of the abyss itself. More terrifying than this, however, was the ominous presence he now felt lingering in his mind. The presence of Xor'lath. What happened next is hard to describe, and even harder for Faelyn himself to remember so great was the struggle, but it ended with him as the victor. Xor'lath had been defeated, his consciousness buried deep within Faelyns own mind, and his powers claimed. Striding forth from the cavernous depths, the inside still smelling strongly of sulfur and burnt stone, Faelyn emerged a new man. Setting out into the frozen wastes once again, Faelyn made his way back to Caelora.

Alone.

But this hardly mattered to him of course. He had gotten what he'd set out to find. No matter the reaction those he called kin had upon his arrival, it would not make his successes thus far any less sweet. When he finally made it back, he found the reactions of those who called the place home mixed. Some whispered he had led those men out there on purpose, perhaps to silence them for witnessing some secret act they were not meant to see, while others maintained his innocence, writing off the whole thing as a series of unfortunate events that had regrettably claimed the lives of several good men. One thing was unanimously recognized by the inhabitants of Caelora, however.

Faelyn had changed. Where once he was determined, dedicated to surviving no matter the cost, now he had become more lax. Overconfident. As though there was nothing in the world that could touch him. A foolish notion to be sure, one almost as moronic as the individuals that had thought it up. Faelyn was well aware of just how many things in this world could kill him, especially if he wasn't careful. No, he wasn't confident, he was acting. Executing yet another part of his intricate plan. For you see, as he had made his way back towards the village he ran into a party of exiles. Elves considered Ta'viri no longer, and thus elves who were no longer worthy of holding the name. Why they had been cast out he didn't bother to learn. Instead he made contact with their leader, and gave him an offer. In exchange for vengeance and spoils, he would help them destroy the village from whence he hailed, showing them the most efficient way of infiltrating its watch and slaughtering its people once night fell. His reasoning, while mercilessly paranoid and brutal, did make some modicum of sense however. If one were an insanely selfish madman that is.

You see Faelyn felt as though he should have no ties to his former life. Not only because those he had called friends and family would no doubt suspect his hand in deciding the fates of the lost guards, but also because he knew future enemies had a weak point to attack in the form of his parents and siblings. Something that he simply could not allow. So once he had secured the exiled leaders agreement, he had the entire warband follow him back to the town, where they then set up camp just behind one of the surrounding ridges. The perfect spot for an ambush as it allowed them easy access to the village below.

And so he committed the ultimate betrayal.

I think that you’ve got some really great writing in here. Some lines that I liked;

Faelyn held his arms out wide in a gesture of welcome to the foul evil as he prepared himself for the mental war that was about to ensue - it says a lot about his personality. I love the image of him holding his arms out.

Striding forth from the cavernous depths, the inside still smelling strongly of sulfur and burnt stone, Faelyn emerged a new man. Setting out into the frozen wastes once again, Faelyn made his way back to Caelora.

Alone.

You’ve got the punchy lines down really well and this is very powerful - especially the description of Faelyn striding forth. It really displays his arrogance.

Once he had settled back in, he waited till midnight, and gave the signal for the exiled warband to attack. And so they did. Riding down, torches ablaze and weapons drawn, they charged down into the village in droves, slaughtering everyone they came across. Putting homes and other structures to the flame, and causing havoc in general. The local guard tried to fight back of course, but during one of his speeches Faelyn had held a vigil of sorts for the fallen, in which he had given his men a certain type of ceremonial bread that was laced with a potent-yet delayed-toxin that would induce seizures in the muscles approximately one hour after ingestion. This, combined with the suddenness of the assault itself, made any defense they could have mounted useless, and the guards quickly found themselves overrun and killed. When all was said and done, Faelyn and the exiles were the only ones left standing in the razed remnants of Caelora. Their business concluded, each party went their separate ways. The exiles back into the frozen wastes, and Faelyn to the south. To the great cities. Places he hoped would offer shelter from the wrath of the Ta'viri elders, for a time anyway.

A lot happens in this paragraph - I’d suggest cutting out some points and emphasising others for a stronger image of what happened. I can see that you know this character very well, and you know his story very well and not only that, you’re passionate about telling it. Sometimes less is more - and editing down on actual events and replacing with more emotional insight can be more powerful and telling.

Unfortunately for him, Faelyn would find himself unable to complete that journey. About two days into it he saw the lands around him warp and twist, as though one of the gods was having a bit of fun throwing their power around, before settling into a stable state once more. But when they did, he was not on the road heading south, but in another place entirely.

A dark, foreboding, land...

The land of Barovia.

Miscellaneous: The hostile northern conditions Ayqar, the land in which the Ta'viri live, has forced them to become an extremely tight-knit and communal society, something most clearly reflected in the way they name themselves and their offspring. Rather than giving them a familial surname that is passed down from generation to generation, changing slightly with each coupling, Ta'viri children are named after the clan itself. So an elf from their tribe by the name of Nuovis, would have the surname Ta'vir regardless of bloodline. This obviously causes a great deal of confusion amongst those not knowledgeable of their customs, and has led to them becoming the butt of many a joke, especially when two individuals of similar naming are involved.

Although they often fall to violence or exposure more often than old age, Ta'viri are capable of living upwards of a thousand years at least.

During combat, as he becomes more and more exhausted, Faelyn will find it harder to keep Xor'lath under control. This is the main reason he prefers to end fights sooner rather than later, and why he cannot wield the demons powers for longer periods of time.

Although the acts he has committed would see him labelled an exile and stripped of the right to call himself Ta'vir by the elders of the clan, Faelyn still chooses to use the surname. In his mind he did nothing wrong save for tying up a potential loose end-or that's what he's convinced himself of anyway-so why should the name be taken? It was not his fault, after all, that his family and friends had been too weak and trusting to take the prerogative and check into his story. To make sure the man they saw return was still the same one they saw leave.

Ah. Perhaps my point earlier about a nickname has been explained here. I do still think that a name that he was given after he was exiled would be very weighty, actually. A name he refuses to use but follows around in his shadow regardless - a constant reminder of his past deeds.

In the misc section, I like to write quirks and hobbies etc. They really just add touches of flavour to the character. What kind of food does he have a preference for? Does he have pets? Has he kept the same horse for a long time? What habits of others annoy him? What bad habits does he have? Does he bite his nails etc It might be quite a funny and humanising touch to make him deliberately terrible at telling jokes or maybe he gets very shy if he finds someone attractive. Things like that really add layers and can be something to circle back to when interacting with other characters especially.

@ZAVAZggg

*Notes within sheet

I really like this character, and I really like your sheet. I can tell from reading it how much care and love you’ve put into this -- the character feels very exciting and thought out. He has a pivotal life moment in his story, and there’s a lot of really beautiful descriptive writing in there - so well done for that.

One thing I would say to you as a suggestion, is when you write his personality, to give him something positive. Give him some quirks that are perhaps endearing. This will make him more well-rounded as currently he’s very very dark and ominous as a character. He has to have things about him that will make him important to a party of characters who may be very good and very light.

He should be able to fit in and be able to interact with them. Perhaps he is acting incredibly kind -- look at a character like Marvel’s Loki. Maybe giving Faelyn a reason for having initially wanting to be possessed also makes him more dynamic. Could there have been someone in his life that he loved - a parent, or sibling etc (I see that he does wish for them to be protected - I think this should be a bigger part of his reasoning, imo) and thus his desire for possession was to protect them? What was his motivation for it - was it simply for power? Why did he want that power? Is it revenge? Safety? Or just to watch the world burn? Sometimes the latter can become very campy and tropey, so be careful!

Anyway, again, this is a wonderful job on your sheet so far! You’ve said yourself that it isn’t finished so I’d love to see the finished one, and I hope you keep me updated with the escapades of Faelyn on his adventures as I’m already invested in his story!

[DELETED jdl3932]

I thank you for both the kind words and feedback. To be honest, I had thought of a possible nickname, but got caught up in possible elvish variants to the point where nothing really materialized, hence the bit on the Ta'viri and their naming conventions. Although I will say "The Herald" is rather fitting. Not only for the reasons you stated, but also because he is technically a vessel to a demon and thus a herald of sorts for its power.

Now, to clarify some things.

In regards to things like how he found the demon, while I had it planned out as him hearing rumors of its trail of destruction and following that, I think I'm probably going to change that to make it more plausible and less... convenient.

As for not revealing some things in his sheet, while I know you would like to see more in the CS, I personally find leaving things like favourite foods and such unknown works better, in my case anyway, as it lets me think it out more in advance and then reveal it through interactions as the roleplay progresses.

Also, I do agree that some parts of the history section can be trimmed down quite a bit. That's always been a problem for me though. I usually stray into writing more than is strictly necessary, or bloat passages with tons of details, most of which don't technically matter in the long run.

Finally, as for his motivations, I have them as a very twisted form of nietzschean philosophy. Living in a frozen waste, he slowly had the worldview embedded in him that being strong is better than being weak, as being weak would essentially invite death. While this wasn't always the case, and there are many Ta'viri who are not strong by his definition, he still sees the world this way because he's sort of stuck in that close minded state. One similar to a tyrants, where they can't or don't realize they're wrong until it's far too late. Of course, for the sake of character development, I will have him question his rigid stance on strength vs weakness, as well as what he considers strength and what he considers weakness, but that will be done in the RP itself.

[spicykvnt]

I thank you for both the kind words and feedback. To be honest, I had thought of a possible nickname, but got caught up in possible elvish variants to the point where nothing really materialized, hence the bit on the Ta'viri and their naming conventions. Although I will say "The Herald" is rather fitting. Not only for the reasons you stated, but also because he is technically a vessel to a demon and thus a herald of sorts for its power.

Now, to clarify some things.

In regards to things like how he found the demon, while I had it planned out as him hearing rumors of its trail of destruction and following that, I think I'm probably going to change that to make it more plausible and less... convenient.

As for not revealing some things in his sheet, while I know you would like to see more in the CS, I personally find leaving things like favourite foods and such unknown works better, in my case anyway, as it lets me think it out more in advance and then reveal it through interactions as the roleplay progresses.

Also, I do agree that some parts of the history section can be trimmed down quite a bit. That's always been a problem for me though. I usually stray into writing more than is strictly necessary, or bloat passages with tons of details, most of which don't technically matter in the long run.

Finally, as for his motivations, I have them as a very twisted form of nietzschean philosophy. Living in a frozen waste, he slowly had the worldview embedded in him that being strong is better than being weak, as being weak would essentially invite death. While this wasn't always the case, and there are many Ta'viri who are not strong by his definition, he still sees the world this way because he's sort of stuck in that close minded state. One similar to a tyrants, where they can't or don't realize they're wrong until it's far too late. Of course, for the sake of character development, I will have him question his rigid stance on strength vs weakness, as well as what he considers strength and what he considers weakness, but that will be done in the RP itself.

@ZAVAZggg

Regarding your writing a long backstory; it's actually one of the things that I liked the most about your sheet because it showed me immediately how passionate and into the character you are. While I've critiqued it, yes, your level of detail shows that you have this character really thought through. I can guess that you've played out his story in your mind many times and I love that. As a GM, I tend to push my players to scale back but that is simply my own preference and nothing more than that.

I can see from this sheet that you really care about this character, and that's half the battle when roleplaying, in my opinion. So many times I've thought of a concept for a character and I create the sheet and it just lacks that... Zest and without the zest the character has no longevity, and I grow bored of playing them. Your sheet is crammed with zest and I love to see it. :)

[DELETED jdl3932]

<Snipped quote by ZAVAZggg>

Regarding your writing a long backstory; it's actually one of the things that I liked the most about your sheet because it showed me immediately how passionate and into the character you are. While I've critiqued it, yes, your level of detail shows that you have this character really thought through. I can guess that you've played out his story in your mind many times and I love that. As a GM, I tend to push my players to scale back but that is simply my own preference and nothing more than that.

I can see from this sheet that you really care about this character, and that's half the battle when roleplaying, in my opinion. So many times I've thought of a concept for a character and I create the sheet and it just lacks that... Zest and without the zest the character has no longevity, and I grow bored of playing them. Your sheet is crammed with zest and I love to see it. :)

@Stormflyx

Well, I'm glad I was able to imbue him with such zest, and I know how you feel. There's been many times where I'll make a character that I like at first, only to have my interest fluctuate because they weren't as fleshed out as I thought, or because they lack that certain element that makes them fun to play.

Also, thinking it over, I decided to change his nickname to the Butcher of Caelora. Edgy and extremely ominous I know, but to be fair that's probably what his people would call him once word of his crimes had spread. Like how we have nicknames for notorious criminals here in our world. It won't be permanent or used incessantly of course, but I figured it would make more sense given the things he's done.

As for how they'd know he committed the crime, well that might be a bit of a stretch now that I think of it. Although maybe one could connect the dots and see that it was him orchestrating the whole thing, and not just some random raid.

[Sugar and Spite]

Here's a little OOC concept that I put together a couple weeks ago. It never got that much traction. Any tips you have for when I decide to bring it back would be helpful.

Stranded

Turbulence.

It's something you almost always get on a flight. Wind. Storms. High altitudes. The thought of crashing any moment.

Your anxiety levels are higher than your current altitude. While you're used to making business trips back and forth across the globe, it still doesn't mean you didn't have to take sleeping medication before boarding your flight. It still doesn't change the fact that while you and your coworker exchange smile from across the isle, that one of the engines just went out. The oxygen masks deploy, the pilots voice coming over the intercom. It's not just your anxiety anymore.

Thoughts of your loved ones rush through your head. Why didn't you use those vacation days? Why didn't you press snooze on your alarm just one more time this morning?

The plane nose dives as the people around you scream, pray, and hug their children. The flight attendant insists that you must all remain calm as she buckles herself in.

Everything goes black.

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______________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey there and welcome to Stranded, a Slice of Life survival RP. First off, thank you so much for your interest! In this RP, our characters will be struggling to survive a plane crash on an island located somewhere in the Atlantic ocean. During this RP, you will face battles such as hunger, whatever injuries you may have, and Mother Nature herself (just to name a few). There will be drama, hardships, and fun. Let the survival games begin!

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• Keep in mind that this is a character driven RP. Make sure that you communicate with your fellow writers outside of the RP, as well as having your characters interact IC wise. While the GM will help to move the story forward, you characters will make decisions that keep the story going. Focus on PC interaction rather than NPC.
• This should go without saying, but read every post even if your character is not involved. Do not @ each other in IC posts.
• The writing expectations for this RP is that of casual. I will expect two well written paragraphs for each post minimum. More is great, though quality over quantity is best!
• The maximum amount of time between posts allowed for this RP is Fourteen days. I will expect one post for each of your characters every fourteen days. Deadlines will be every on Sunday at Midnight, Pacific Standard time. Extensions will be given until the following Wednesday if needed. Communication is key, and if you are not going to be able to post for a decent amount of time, DM/PM me and we'll try to work something out. If you work with me, I will do my best to work with you.
• If you miss a deadline, your characters will be put on hiatus until the next deadline. For example, if you miss a post for the second of the month, you will not be able to post with your characters until the sixteenth of the month. If you go hiatus twice, you will be removed from the RP. Being stuck in a collab is not an excuse for missing a deadline. If it comes down to it, post what you have. For both characters to be cleared for the deadline, there must be a decent contribution from each character.
• To let me know that you have read the rules, put your current favorite song in the extra section of your Character Sheet.
• Please allow two people to post before you post again. This does not include if you are posting separately for your characters back to back.
• No godmodding, power playing, etc. Your character won't know every survival skill in the book, nor will they have all the supplies they need at any given time. Characters have to work together!
• If you have any questions, comments, or concerns - please PM/DM me and I will address them to the best of my ability. Same goes if you are having any problems with any of the writers in the group.

• This should go without saying, but no Mary-Sue or Gary-Stu characters!
• There is a three character limit for this RP - but please DO NOT take on more than you can handle. Give all of your characters equal attention. A even gender ration is not required, but we also don't want 50 females and 3 males, so please keep that in mind.
• Real life faceclaims only!! Please use some-what known face claims as opposed to stock photos. If you need help finding a face claim or face claim resources, the GM is more than happy to help.
• Feel free to add gifs, colors, fonts, etc. to your character sheet, but do not change the overall layout of the character sheet!
• Please post completed character sheets in the OOC for GM review. GM reserves the right to accept, deny, or make suggestions to your sheet as they see fit.
• Follow the instructions in the character sheet! Delete the instructions from the sheet before posting for GM review.
• Character Sheet

  [hider=Character Nickname or Name][center][img]Character Text Header[/img]
[img]Picture/Gif/Aesthetic of character[/img][/center]
[color=]Name[/color]
[indent]First Middle Last[/indent]
[color=]Nicknames[/color]
[indent]As many as you want or none at all![/indent]
[color=]Age[/color]
[indent]8-113. Keep in mind that the age of your character can affect them RP wise. Older people have weaker immune systems. Way younger people drive old people crazy and are subject to being football punted. Things like that.[/indent]
[color=]Gender[/color]
[indent]Self-explanatory[/indent]
[color=]Sexuality[/color]
[indent]Self-explanatory[/indent]
[color=]Current Injuries[/color]
[indent]What injuries did your character wake up with? Broken bones? Bruises and scrapes? Feel free to get detailed.[/indent]
[color=]Appearance Details[/color]
Can be paragraphs or bullets following this guideline:
[list][*][b]Hair:[/b] Color | Type | How it's usually styled or worn
[*][b]Eyes:[/b] Color
[*][b]Height:[/b] In feet and inches
[*][b]Body Type:[/b] Figure, build, etc.
[*][b]Makeup Wise:[/b] If applicable. If not feel free to delete.
[*][b]Scars, Tattoos and/or Piercings:[/b] Self-explanatory. Tattoos will only be allowed in characters that are 18 years of age.[/list]
[color=]Personality Traits[/color]
[indent]Positive and negative, as many as you want. Can also be done in paragraph form[/indent]
[color=]Biography[/color]
[indent]1 or 2 paragraphs about your character and how they got to where they’re at today. What was their reason for being on the plane?[/indent]
[color=]Family[/color]
[indent]List of family members. A collage of images can be included.[/indent]
[color=]Misc.[/color]
[indent]Face Claim | Color Code
Any extra things you want to say about your character that haven't been covered in the previous sections such as allergies, fears, etc.[/indent][/hider]

• Character acceptance deadline is March 6th.
• RP start date is March 8th. Our first posting round will be three weeks, making our first deadline on the 29th.
• These dates are subject to change based on GM preference, how fast we have characters come in, etc.
• Island Map

  

[Mixtape Ghost N]

Kaitlyn Liào

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"My family is one built on pride and strength, I am not any different."

[ 20 | 5'4 | Chinese & Taiwanese | She/Her | 172lb ]

[Inquisitiveness]

APPEARANCE

"People jump to too many conclusions based just off of how they look."

Katie has a rather distinct appearance. While she laments the fact that she didn't get her mother's looks or any of that she seemingly has embraced a different kind of self-love. First off, Katie is Asian with roots coming from the great country of China. She has white skin with heavy golden overtones and facial features very consistent with her people. Her facial features are round and pudgy due to her heavyweight for her size. Kaitlyn due to not inheriting her brother's metabolism is quite heavy in terms of weight. She has a gut, tons of stretch marks, and fat in her facial area. However, this weight has enhanced what little sex appeal she has because she wasn't going to get any from her flat-chested and assed mother. She, at the very least, has 44F cup size and her behind sticks out in jeans. Even if she's not a super big fan of tight clothing. Speaking of which, Katie is a fan of dresses and skirts and will most likely be seen wearing that. In contrast with her twin brother, her primary color is blue. The vibe that Katie gives off is different from the rest of her family. She presents a calm and reserved aura that reflects in her behavior, her voice is usually low and she like drawing any more attention to herself than necessary. Katie's sigil, a symbol of a wave, rests on the middle of the right side of her neck for the world to see.

PSYCHOLOGY

"I keep my circle small, it's easier for all of us."

MAIN GOAL ⫻ Katie's main goal has been getting a degree for Marine Biology and explore the deepest parts of the ocean. She's close to getting her master's degree so she'd be the most expert in the subject that she can be. However, her goal as of late has been getting over her nasty break up with her ex-girlfriend.

PHILOSOPHY ⫻ Kaitlyn's goal has always been about keeping to herself. She thinks the world would be a better place if fewer people focused on what other people are doing and focused more on themselves. That said, she's a girl that's all about self-improvement and becoming the best person she can be.

SECRETS ⫻ Kaitlyn's main secret is the fact that she's bisexual and the fact that she spent the last two years in a same-sex relationship. She knows her mother would renounce her if she found out, and keeps any mention of it strictly off social media. Katie is also a very secretive person in general that makes what she does, where she came from, and where she is, private as possible.

SEXUALITY ⫻ Katie is bisexual but keeps it relatively private as she doesn't want that information getting out. She accepts it fully but she thinks it's something she best keeps to herself.

FEARS ⫻ Katie fears her mother finding out about her sexuality and her secret relationship. Mainly because she hates disappointing her mother and she wouldn't approve of such a relationship.

REPUTATION ⫻ Because of her nature, Kaitlyn is relatively unknown throughout Araminta. If most people see her they probably wouldn't have a clue who she is. She likes it that way.

QUIRKS ⫻ Sometimes Katie has the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

FLAWS ⫻ Katie is fearful, reserved, and is afraid of all the raw emotions she keeps repressed inside of herself for the sake of everyone around her.

BACKSTORY

"Do not bring up Amelia."

To make a long story short: Kaitlyn's mother, Meifeng Zhao, and his aunt, Lijuan, moved to America from China because of her mother's (Lihua Zhao) dissatisfaction with China. They moved to a Californian metropolis known as Los Angeles, where they had a variety of different adventures. Meifeng grew up into a strong confident woman who went into college for a master's degree in criminal justice where she met her future sweetheart Daniel Liao. After a few years of romancing each other, they got married, and Meifeng became pregnant with twins. Justin and Kaitlyn Liao, two siblings that would pave the way for the bloodline's future.

There was a stark difference between the two. The two were a pair of wild and rambunctious people that caused headaches for their mother, father, and all other blood relatives in the vicinity. However, Kaitlyn was the more wild and passionate of the two, far more emotional than her hotblooded brother. But, other than that Katie's early life didn't have much of a note, Meifeng was at home raising them while his father was making the money for them to live comfortably. This built up a deep innate connection between the twins and their mother, who imparted many of her ideas and philosophy upon the twins - though she was unhappy with staying home by herself. Their grandmother, Lihua, stepped in and offered to take some of the workloads off Meifeng so she could pursue a career in the CIA. Their dual-earner family is what earned them a lot of money, and in turn, helped them live comfortably in Los Angeles.

However, Katie was close to her grandmother who taught her, in time, that she as a woman needed to be calmer and more reserved. That she needed the discipline that her brother lacked - but she told her that her mother was the same way. Eventually, she taught the girl how to control her emotions, wisdom, but how to be fierce when she needs to, and everything she would need to succeed in life. At the cost of making her like an old lady. This meant that Kaitlyn fulfilled the role of calming her more hotblooded brother.

In time, Kaitlyn pursued her own goals. The girl loved the ocean more than anything and she wanted to explore it, learn the animals that are in the ocean, and make breakthroughs as a scientist. Which lead to Kaitlyn taking up Marine Biology and going to the illustrious University of Araminta, where her twin-brother got sent to live with their grandmother in Farmer Hill and eventually go to a school local to the town. Being away from her family caused a huge shift in her life as she tried to get her master's degree. Kaitlyn realized something inside of her, the fact that she was more sexual than she let on. This didn't mean that she slept around, she realized that she was more attracted to people than she thought. And in time, she soon realized that it wasn't just boys she liked.

Though the girl was in no rush to get into a relationship. She merely stayed focus on getting her degree and like most cliche college-aged kids she got a job at a local coffee shop not too far away from the university. Things changed when she ran into a girl named Amelia Dallon... it was a strange experience as the girl was seemingly at her coffee shop every day, then she found out that she was at the university too. Eventually, they started hanging out and became friends and eventually, Amelia dropped the question. It was strange for Kaitie, but she decided to try it out. The two went out on a few dates and had all types of fun and eventually decided to become a couple. And things were happy for the next two years.

But, all good things come to an end. It all started a few months before the start of the story when Justin called her all frantic explaining to her that her grandmother was murdered by something. This caused grief like no other in Kaitlyn as she became withdrawn from her social circle, classes, and eventually Amelia. After her grandmother's funeral, Kaitlyn took some time to herself. However, this didn't sit too well with Amelia as she felt like she was being neglected and ignored - mixed with the fact that she felt like Kaitlyn was ashamed of her. Amelia kept trying to get close to Kaitlyn while she pushed her away.

Eventually, Kaitlyn gave into Amelia and went out to a date at a nice restaurant. It was awkward as Kaitlyn felt that the magic between them was dying and ultimately chose to break it off. However, Amelia didn't take that too well and as Katie tried to walk away she grabbed her. She cried her heart out about how she loved Katie and how it couldn't end like this and it got mad creepy for Kaitlyn. Eventually, a fight broke out between the two as Kaitlyn tried to fight her ex off and in the middle of the struggle both Amelia and Kaitlyn Awakened. Amelia was pushed away from Kaitlyn with a sudden wave and couldn't get close to her. All while Kaitlyn hauled ass back to her dorm.

This was strange as her Awakening unlocked an abstraction relating to the ocean. It felt like the ocean was at her very fingertips as she can bring it to hers. It was a beautiful experience that was unlike any other. However, Kaitlyn tried to move on with her life... but this was around the time her brother went missing and things got strange in Araminta.

SKILLS & TALENTS

"I don't have much to bring to the table, I'm sorry."

Marine Biologist ⫻ Kaitlyn is studying to be a marine biologist, and so far she is quite skilled and dedicated in her task. She is very informed about her subject and can name most marine animals right off the bat. Kaitlyn even took some swimming classes to improve.

EXTRA-NORMAL ABILITIES

"I'll show you something beautiful."

TYPE ⫻ Awakened.

ABSTRACTION ⫻ Thalassomancery, Kaitlyn can summon ocean-effects with a snap of her fingers.

ABSTRACTION DESCRIPTION ⫻ Kaitlyn's ability is rooted in her love of the ocean and the raw emotion she has inside of herself that she keeps contained for the right moments. Her abstraction is a strange mixture of ocean manipulation and water generation as she can summon ocean-effects and animals in the shape of water for short periods. This can manifest in the way of summoning a wave of water to wash enemies away, a whirlpool out of thin air, a water sprout, or water in the shape of a shark. She has a wide variety of potential as she can create animals out of the water to attack foes, and summon water out of thin air. She can simply summon a body of water, too. This gives her tons of raw offensive, defensive, and mobility options as her abstraction can be used to attack people, create barriers, and move away. Kaitlyn can also merely summon water and manipulate it to her heart's content. This also comes with a sub-ability of being able to stand on this ocean water which allows her to move around, and even a levitation ability that lets her float a few feet off the ground when she cuts loose.

AURA SENSING ⫻ Kaitlyn's aura sensing allows her to see the auras of what is soaked or submerged in water up to ten meters away. She can tell which is what by the intensity of its aura as soaked objects have a less intense aura while what is submerged down.

LIMITS ⫻ Kaitlyn is also inhibited by the Extra-Normal's innate resistance to each others abstractions. Her attacks are just less effective against them. Her summoning also only works for a short period of time as whatever she summons will disappear after a few moments. Usually, it'll disappear after it does the desired effect but some of her summonses will last for only a minute at most. Kaitlyn's ability is also relatively short-ranged being able to summon water within fifteen meters of herself. Of course, Kaitlyn can only summon one effect at a time and once she summons it, she cannot stop it before it disappears on its own.

WEAKNESSES ⫻ Kaitlyn's abstraction comes with two weaknesses. First summoning water cools her body down, and the bigger the summon the more her body will cool down. Small effects won't have any noticeable effects but the more dramatic summons will cause one hell of a chill. If she cuts loose she'll come out of the engagement with hypothermia or may even freeze herself to death. The abstraction also causes an uncomfortable feeling of cold water on her body that gets worse the more she uses it. Along with loss of breath as if she was drowning in the water as if she's being submerged. Kaitlyn's abstraction also dehydrates her body as if she just consumed food rich in sodium, so she has to constantly hydrate to keep using her abstraction because it'll completely cut off if she does.

OTHER

"."

This is a character I wanted to make for awhile now that I use in an urban fantasy RP I run. Probably not my best sheet but I like how I portrayed her character.

[spicykvnt]

Stranded

Turbulence.

It's something you almost always get on a flight. Wind. Storms. High altitudes. The thought of crashing any moment.

Your anxiety levels are higher than your current altitude. While you're used to making business trips back and forth across the globe, it still doesn't mean you didn't have to take sleeping medication before boarding your flight. It still doesn't change the fact that while you and your coworker exchange smiles* from across the aisle*, that one of the engines just went out. The oxygen masks deploy, the pilot's voice coming over the intercom. It's not just your anxiety anymore.

Thoughts of your loved ones rush through your head. Why didn't you use those vacation days? Why didn't you press snooze on your alarm just one more time this morning?

The plane nose dives as the people around you scream, pray, and hug their children. The flight attendant insists that you must all remain calm as she buckles herself in.

Everything goes black.

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@HaleyTheRandom

I really like your introduction, it definitely teases something -- but I think it could go a little further. Really paint the picture. I’ve taken a lot of flights, something that I associate with flying is the safety video, strangely enough. I’ve taken that many that I don’t watch it anymore. Could you maybe write something about the person here doing the same?

You skip over the safety presentation, remembering to stow your luggage in the overhead storage, pushing your seatbelt closed until it clicks, tugging on the band.

In fact, you could make the whole intro like a safety run through - just incredibly mundane and boring until you hit them with the whammy of what’s happening! Just a thought! What you have is nice, already -- but I think you can stretch it further and really play with your source material.

You could end it with a “The Safety Video didn’t tell us what happens next.” or something, because clearly the crash is the starting point for this -- the rest is a sandbox of opportunity. Imagine being in that scenario. The plane going down, the way that the change in altitude fucks with the pressure in your ears. For some reason, I can really clearly hear ice cubes rattling - I can see an air hostesses trolley flying down the aisle.

There’s just a few little things that would give it that touch of polish and not only be interesting and enticing, but being actually anxiety inducing to read as well.

I don’t particularly know how to go about critiquing someone else's rules or sheet, since mine are so basic hehe! But this is a great start -- I wonder if you may have sat on this OOC for a while and maybe when you take a look back at it, you have fresh eyes and new ideas that have formed with giving it distance.

Also apologies for the very long wait. I've been kept far away from my computer.

This is such a great concept though, Haley, I'd love to keep an eye on this RP because Desert Island Stranded stories are so great!

[spicykvnt]

Kaitlyn Liào

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---

╚══════════════╝

"My family is one built on pride and strength, I am not any different."

[ 20 | 5'4 | Chinese & Taiwanese | She/Her | 172lb ]

[Inquisitiveness]

APPEARANCE

"People jump to too many conclusions based just off of how they look."

Katie has a rather distinct appearance. While she laments the fact that she didn't get her mother's looks or any of that she seemingly has embraced a different kind of self-love. First off, Katie is Asian with roots coming from the great country of China. She has white skin with heavy golden overtones and facial features very consistent with her people. Her facial features are round and pudgy due to her heavyweight for her size. Kaitlyn due to not inheriting her brother's metabolism is quite heavy in terms of weight. She has a gut, tons of stretch marks, and fat in her facial area. However, this weight has enhanced what little sex appeal she has because she wasn't going to get any from her flat-chested and assed mother. She, at the very least, has 44F cup size and her behind sticks out in jeans. Even if she's not a super big fan of tight clothing. Speaking of which, Katie is a fan of dresses and skirts and will most likely be seen wearing that. In contrast with her twin brother, her primary color is blue. The vibe that Katie gives off is different from the rest of her family. She presents a calm and reserved aura that reflects in her behavior, her voice is usually low and she like drawing any more attention to herself than necessary. Katie's sigil, a symbol of a wave, rests on the middle of the right side of her neck for the world to see.

First of all, that is some very fancy sheeting you’ve done, I love it and that shade of blue is just beautiful and contrasts so nicely with the red in the picture. It’s a super appealing and interesting aesthetic already that has my attention.

The description here - While she laments the fact that she didn't get her mother's looks says so much about her beyond a surface level. It tells me that Katie views her mother as being very beautiful, that she doesn’t look like her mother, and that there’s a psychological feeling behind that. In a single sentence you’ve laid down a thread that just speaks to her character and I appreciate that level of detail so very much.

You then further bring up the mother - that Katie is very confident in her own way, highlighting the differences that you alluded to in a way that actually is almost derogatory to her mother so I wonder from this what their relationship is like. I haven’t read anything else of the sheet so I’ll keep this thought here. My theory is that Katie’s mother has been very hard and overbearing, perhaps mean about her daughter’s appearance. We’ll see!

PSYCHOLOGY

"I keep my circle small, it's easier for all of us."

MAIN GOAL ⫻ Katie's main goal has been getting a degree for Marine Biology and explore the deepest parts of the ocean. She's close to getting her master's degree so she'd be the most expert in the subject that she can be. However, her goal as of late has been getting over her nasty break up with her ex-girlfriend.

I like this - a long term goal, and something short term and clearly very personal that offers room for some great character development. I wonder what this nasty break up was, too.

PHILOSOPHY ⫻ Kaitlyn's goal has always been about keeping to herself. She thinks the world would be a better place if fewer people focused on what other people are doing and focused more on themselves. That said, she's a girl that's all about self-improvement and becoming the best person she can be.

I think that keeping to herself is less of a goal and the philosophy, no?

SECRETS ⫻ Kaitlyn's main secret is the fact that she's bisexual and the fact that she spent the last two years in a same-sex relationship. She knows her mother would renounce her if she found out, and keeps any mention of it strictly off social media. Katie is also a very secretive person in general that makes what she does, where she came from, and where she is, private as possible.

SEXUALITY ⫻ Katie is bisexual but keeps it relatively private as she doesn't want that information getting out. She accepts it fully but she thinks it's something she best keeps to herself.

FEARS ⫻ Katie fears her mother finding out about her sexuality and her secret relationship. Mainly because she hates disappointing her mother and she wouldn't approve of such a relationship.

Ahh yes, so there *is* a thing with the mother, that was an excellent way to hint at that. Kudos!

REPUTATION ⫻ Because of her nature, Kaitlyn is relatively unknown throughout Araminta. If most people see her they probably wouldn't have a clue who she is. She likes it that way.

QUIRKS ⫻ Sometimes Katie has the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I might expand on this, and add in more quirks - I think I offered the feedback of mannerisms on another sheet I critiqued here. Does she bite her nails? What foods does she like? Does she have pet peeves? What would Katie’s roommate be annoyed by about Katie, for example. All of these things just add a little seasoning to the pot.

FLAWS ⫻ Katie is fearful, reserved, and is afraid of all the raw emotions she keeps repressed inside of herself for the sake of everyone around her.

BACKSTORY

"Do not bring up Amelia."

To make a long story short: Kaitlyn's mother, Meifeng Zhao, and his aunt, Lijuan, moved to America from China because of her mother's (Lihua Zhao) dissatisfaction with China. They moved to a Californian metropolis known as Los Angeles, where they had a variety of different adventures. Meifeng grew up into a strong confident woman who went into college for a master's degree in criminal justice where she met her future sweetheart Daniel Liao. After a few years of romancing each other, they got married, and Meifeng became pregnant with twins. Justin and Kaitlyn Liao, two siblings that would pave the way for the bloodline's future.

Some interesting bits in here. That the family cares about their bloodline. My feedback here though, is unless you’re really going to delve into the mother’s story -- there’s not really a need to include those parts; this is Katie’s history, afterall.

There was a stark difference between the two. The two were a pair of wild and rambunctious people that caused headaches for their mother, father, and all other blood relatives in the vicinity. However, Kaitlyn was the more wild and passionate of the two, far more emotional than her hotblooded brother. But, other than that Katie's early life didn't have much of a note, Meifeng was at home raising them while his father was making the money for them to live comfortably. This built up a deep innate connection between the twins and their mother, who imparted many of her ideas and philosophy upon the twins - though she was unhappy with staying home by herself. Their grandmother, Lihua, stepped in and offered to take some of the workloads off Meifeng so she could pursue a career in the CIA. Their dual-earner family is what earned them a lot of money, and in turn, helped them live comfortably in Los Angeles.

However, Katie was close to her grandmother who taught her, in time, that she as a woman needed to be calmer and more reserved. That she needed the discipline that her brother lacked - but she told her that her mother was the same way. Eventually, she taught the girl how to control her emotions, wisdom, but how to be fierce when she needs to, and everything she would need to succeed in life. At the cost of making her like an old lady. This meant that Kaitlyn fulfilled the role of calming her more hotblooded brother.

What exactly did Katie learn? This is what I’m more interested in, over their mothers career as a CIA agent. Was there a specific event in Katie’s childhood that made her grandmother step in and take over with mentoring her? I feel like much of this background is stating facts about Katie’s upbringing, but not explaining them too much so far.

In time, Kaitlyn pursued her own goals. The girl loved the ocean more than anything and she wanted to explore it, learn the animals that are in the ocean, and make breakthroughs as a scientist. Which lead to Kaitlyn taking up Marine Biology and going to the illustrious University of Araminta, where her twin-brother got sent to live with their grandmother in Farmer Hill and eventually go to a school local to the town. Being away from her family caused a huge shift in her life as she tried to get her master's degree. Kaitlyn realized something inside of her, the fact that she was more sexual than she let on. This didn't mean that she slept around, she realized that she was more attracted to people than she thought. And in time, she soon realized that it wasn't just boys she liked.

What was it that made her enjoy the ocean? There’s a lot of symbolism to unpack with that -- because think of the ocean. On the surface you can see it as a very calm element, but poke deeper and there’s so much there. The ocean can be tumultuous, dangerous, unknown, endless depths of dark water etc. Is it simply the wildlife or is there a bigger call?

Though the girl was in no rush to get into a relationship. She merely stayed focus on getting her degree and like most cliche college-aged kids she got a job at a local coffee shop not too far away from the university. Things changed when she ran into a girl named Amelia Dallon... it was a strange experience as the girl was seemingly at her coffee shop every day, then she found out that she was at the university too. Eventually, they started hanging out and became friends and eventually, Amelia dropped the question. It was strange for Kaitie, but she decided to try it out. The two went out on a few dates and had all types of fun and eventually decided to become a couple. And things were happy for the next two years.

But, all good things come to an end. It all started a few months before the start of the story when Justin called her all frantic explaining to her that her grandmother was murdered by something. This caused grief like no other in Kaitlyn as she became withdrawn from her social circle, classes, and eventually Amelia. After her grandmother's funeral, Kaitlyn took some time to herself. However, this didn't sit too well with Amelia as she felt like she was being neglected and ignored - mixed with the fact that she felt like Kaitlyn was ashamed of her. Amelia kept trying to get close to Kaitlyn while she pushed her away.

Eventually, Kaitlyn gave into Amelia and went out to a date at a nice restaurant. It was awkward as Kaitlyn felt that the magic between them was dying and ultimately chose to break it off. However, Amelia didn't take that too well and as Katie tried to walk away she grabbed her. She cried her heart out about how she loved Katie and how it couldn't end like this and it got mad creepy for Kaitlyn. Eventually, a fight broke out between the two as Kaitlyn tried to fight her ex off and in the middle of the struggle both Amelia and Kaitlyn Awakened. Amelia was pushed away from Kaitlyn with a sudden wave and couldn't get close to her. All while Kaitlyn hauled ass back to her dorm.

When we saw a mention of Katie’s break up earlier, I really expected this to be a crazy ex, something awful but this more or less actually paints Katie in a bad light, and not the other way around. This is cool actually, if intentional. It shows that she has an unreliable narrators view of what had actually happened and it sort of subverted my expectations.

This was strange as her Awakening unlocked an abstraction relating to the ocean. It felt like the ocean was at her very fingertips as she can bring it to hers. It was a beautiful experience that was unlike any other. However, Kaitlyn tried to move on with her life... but this was around the time her brother went missing and things got strange in Araminta.

SKILLS & TALENTS

"I don't have much to bring to the table, I'm sorry."

Marine Biologist ⫻ Kaitlyn is studying to be a marine biologist, and so far she is quite skilled and dedicated in her task. She is very informed about her subject and can name most marine animals right off the bat. Kaitlyn even took some swimming classes to improve.

EXTRA-NORMAL ABILITIES

"I'll show you something beautiful."

TYPE ⫻ Awakened.

ABSTRACTION ⫻ Thalassomancery, Kaitlyn can summon ocean-effects with a snap of her fingers.

ABSTRACTION DESCRIPTION ⫻ Kaitlyn's ability is rooted in her love of the ocean and the raw emotion she has inside of herself that she keeps contained for the right moments. Her abstraction is a strange mixture of ocean manipulation and water generation as she can summon ocean-effects and animals in the shape of water for short periods. This can manifest in the way of summoning a wave of water to wash enemies away, a whirlpool out of thin air, a water sprout, or water in the shape of a shark. She has a wide variety of potential as she can create animals out of the water to attack foes, and summon water out of thin air. She can simply summon a body of water, too. This gives her tons of raw offensive, defensive, and mobility options as her abstraction can be used to attack people, create barriers, and move away. Kaitlyn can also merely summon water and manipulate it to her heart's content. This also comes with a sub-ability of being able to stand on this ocean water which allows her to move around, and even a levitation ability that lets her float a few feet off the ground when she cuts loose.

AURA SENSING ⫻ Kaitlyn's aura sensing allows her to see the auras of what is soaked or submerged in water up to ten meters away. She can tell which is what by the intensity of its aura as soaked objects have a less intense aura while what is submerged down.

LIMITS ⫻ Kaitlyn is also inhibited by the Extra-Normal's innate resistance to each others abstractions. Her attacks are just less effective against them. Her summoning also only works for a short period of time as whatever she summons will disappear after a few moments. Usually, it'll disappear after it does the desired effect but some of her summonses will last for only a minute at most. Kaitlyn's ability is also relatively short-ranged being able to summon water within fifteen meters of herself. Of course, Kaitlyn can only summon one effect at a time and once she summons it, she cannot stop it before it disappears on its own.

WEAKNESSES ⫻ Kaitlyn's abstraction comes with two weaknesses. First summoning water cools her body down, and the bigger the summon the more her body will cool down. Small effects won't have any noticeable effects but the more dramatic summons will cause one hell of a chill. If she cuts loose she'll come out of the engagement with hypothermia or may even freeze herself to death. The abstraction also causes an uncomfortable feeling of cold water on her body that gets worse the more she uses it. Along with loss of breath as if she was drowning in the water as if she's being submerged. Kaitlyn's abstraction also dehydrates her body as if she just consumed food rich in sodium, so she has to constantly hydrate to keep using her abstraction because it'll completely cut off if she does.

OTHER

"."

@Ghost Note

*Free Hug*

Individual notes in the sheet**

First of all, thank you for posting your sheet. I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to get to it.

I really like what you’ve already got down for this character. There are some real great touches throughout this that I liked, including your choice of aesthetic, and your physical character description.

I do think you can take this sheet further, though. Particularly in the history/background section -- there are parts in there that to me, feel irrelevant and should be replaced with more history of Katie. I find myself wanting to know more about her lessons with her Grandma because I think that’s such a beautifully feminine subject matter - (think Moana and her Grandmother). I’m curious as to her relationship with her mother - were there any moments of tension that left an impact on Katie? In my opinion, these points and examples are worth more on a sheet than a run through of the parent’s relationship with each other.

Her twin is also mentioned only briefly -- you say that she was very different to him, did her lessons with her Grandmother put any kind of strain on her relationship with her brother? If you’re going to use twins, really drive it home that they have a ‘connection’; highlight the differences, give us an example of their differences too -- but also the similarities.

Twins are a huuuuuuuge minefield of writing material -- don’t gloss over that, really dig deep into what that means and you’ll make your character stronger for it.

Another question I have is whether the relationships she has with her family members influences in any way her treatment of Amelia?

This is a great job though, I’d love to see this sheet again if you had another crack at it :)

[Mixtape Ghost N]

@Stormflyx hawt

you really gave me some ideas to expand/flesh out her character and I might as well do it since I have all this extra time.

When we saw a mention of Katie’s break up earlier, I really expected this to be a crazy ex, something awful but this more or less actually paints Katie in a bad light, and not the other way around. This is cool actually, if intentional. It shows that she has an unreliable narrators view of what had actually happened and it sort of subverted my expectations.

It was intentional mostly because I like a little splash of unreliable narrator and the fact that I like my characters being flawed, morally grey, people.

[rebornfan320]

@Stormflyx

Well here is my Fantasy Half-elf in the hider. I think I did him pretty well.

Cinder Sagestone

Name: Cinder Sagestone

Biological gender: Male

Appearance Age: 21

Rank/Occupation: Adventurer/Battlemage

Height: 6'0”

Weight: 200 lbs

Hair color: Black

Eye color: Brown

Martial status: Single

Astrological sign: Virgo

Race: Half-Elf

General Appearance: Cinder is a fair skinned young man with a athletic silm build with a fair amount of muscle but not too stocky believing brains over braun. He has short black hair that reached only to the edge of his neck and brown eyes that still have the passion of life and knowledge in them His ears do have a small point in them showing his elven blood in his body. When he is resting or at a inn or town walking around he could be seen in blue enchanted magical robes with a mage hood with modified shoes and a sword on him but on his travels he wears light armor that covers him and his face that are also enchanted with various effects.

Strengths: One handed skill with a sword, various forms of magic like elemental, summoning, protection, healing and illusion. (this is his order of using magic though it depends on the situation.) He can make potions and poisons but prefers potions to help himself and others. He can enchant weapons and armor with magic.

Weaknesses: His fear of big dogs can make him at times not as responsive, he is also prone to the darkness and anger within him. His pacifist can make him appear not as forward to others or willing to kill in a fight.

Positive traits: Loyal, logical, down-to-earth, patience, skilled worker, helpful, aware spiritually, respectful and attentive. Polite. Honorable along with peaceful, loves life

Negative traits: repeats things sometimes when angry, prone to anger. Lazy at times while having a disinterest in boredom. Impatient at times.

Likes: Books, reading, magic, traveling, helping, peace, a battle (due to his adrenaline kicking in when peace does not work), games, sports, cats, honor, respect, having his side looked at and heard.

Dislikes: Conflict, dishonorable people or actions, dogs, his anger, thieves.

Habits: when embarrassed he shyly looks away, at times picky when it comes to food, tends to say 'you don't understand' when his side is not being received the way he expects it to be. When he feels off-balance he will meditate somewhere quiet. And at times he has a tendency to talk to himself.

Goals: To be understood and accepted well by people, and to earn what everyone has like love and to live a legacy for future people to know and remember.

Sexual Orientation: Straight

General Personality: Cinder is generally a practical, observant, and helpful person while also logical. He wants to be dependable to those that needs help and will be honest to those that seek his help or wisdom. He's gentle and sympathetic to those that earn it showing his caring side as well wanting to treat people equally. His patience in life is also a positive in battle because he knows things take time but he does daydream of what he wants in the future, due to his love for books he is punctual and expects that from other people and this also helps to win over people though he doesn't see that sometimes.
At times, he can be impatient with certain things and this is due to what he wants in the future while wanting to be on equal footing with everyone.

He also hides a witty side to himself and is a general good listener as he would rather solve things peacefully over fighting. He treats people equally despite their class and is a kind soul wanting to help people in need.

Skills: He is ambidextrous with one-handed weapons, able to enchant weapons and armor. He is a quick learner when it comes to spells, battle and even the usage of new weapons. A polite talker and at times a witty one too he is considerate of other people's views. Despite no formal training he is a gifted one-handed warrior, enchanter, magic user, talker and even a good archer (would only use it when needed). He also has hand-to-hand combat experience. He is able to remember faces of people he knows and sees.

Bio (shortened): Cinder was born premature to a human mother and a elven father. Despite the birth he lived on and he was able to live and have a normal life despite being a late bloomer at some things. When he was 4 he discovered he learned differently than most. At the age of 7 his elven father left him and his mother to find his uncle though later in life would resent him for this choice. When he was 8 he had protected a friend and discovered then his magic lineage, his mother didn't want him to learn magic but he did so in secret with books and from his human grandmother and great-grandmother while teaching himself. As time went on his human mother went to have three more kids with two different men but being the oldest he has taken the older role model of the family as he would soon go leaving the house to find a place so they can see him after leaving wanting excitement and adventure in his life over boredom.

[Mixtape Ghost N]

@Stormflyx okay here's another character sheet I just made for... no rp in particular. I just really got inspired to write her sheet, but she's an adaptation of a little "mini novel" I wrote while I was gone a little while ago - and her backstory is more or less an adaptation of what happens except not with her going crazy and getting killed.

My intention was initially to write her as a villain that agrees to plunge the world into chaos out of boredom, but I decided to change her motivations to be somewhat altruistic... while she's still without a doubt a scumbag.

Emily G. Reed & Babylon

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Babylon

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╚══════════════╝

"I hate to say it, but Babylon and I have a good deal here."

[ 22 | 5'10lb | Caucasian | She/Her | 110lb ]

[Power]

APPEARANCE

"While you were undressing me with your eyes, she got behind you. Have fun."

Emily is a girl that seemingly took a complete one-eighty in terms of appearance and demeanor. She was never ugly, but before she usually had her hair tied into an unflattering bun, never wore makeup, had nerdy glasses, and usually dressed conservatively. Recently, after her pact with Babylon, she decided to try something a little different. She now lets her hair out into a long straight mane that goes all the way to her back, wears makeup, and dresses well for her figure. Along with ditching the glasses for contacts or better-looking glasses. One would say that she caterpillar to a butterfly. The girl has a confident aura with how she constantly walks with a smile on her face... but it's the kind of smile now that she's happy, that she's the best person here. That she knows something that everyone doesn't, and that betrays the nature of what would be a normally flirty smile into a dangerous one. Every time she speaks, she seems like she's speaking down to other people. Always in the same condescending tone and sometimes never makes eye contact with them (but she never seems to make eye contact with anyone). Even with authority, she's still dismissive as always.

Into her appearance, Emily is part French-Canadia and part a bunch of other stuff. She seems to take primarily after European cultures in her face, but few know can tell. The girl has a square jaw and a very pronounced nose and most notably blue eyes. Her skin has a few scars but she tries her best not to get more and usually hides them under makeup. Emily is a bit taller than average at five-ten, she stands up there with the boys. She stays in relatively good shape by exercising but is still nothing more than skinny. It feels like most of the girl's fat went straight to her chest, as she has a 38D cup size (She never admits this but one is bigger than the other), but the world's second flattest behind. Usually, Emily dresses pretty fashionably wearing Nike, tights, and whatever clothes that she thinks makes her look the best. Sometimes when she goes all out she decides to wear a dress... her favorite a bright green dress.

Now as for Babylon, the apparition that she's affixed to, she takes the appearance of a tall, flaming woman (yet generates no heat) that stands at least six feet tall. The apparition is completely nude except for the fire that (barely) covers her nether regions. Usually, the Apparition floats or flies around but whenever she takes a step she leaves behind a flaming footprint for a few moments.

PSYCHOLOGY

"Let the world fear us, this is just means to the end."

MAIN GOAL ⫻ Emily G. Reed and Babylon have two completely different goals but they're helping each other. Emily G. Reed wishes to lift the curse that is on her sister - along with removing any Extra-Normal threats that are out there by force. Not out of altruism, she's just trying to protect herself and other people from them as she believes prevention is better than the cure. Babylon, on the other hand, has the long term goal of living up to her nature as an Apparition: plunging the multiverse into a chaotic mess of violence, hedonism, and sin. For various reasons (she claims that she's doing it because she pities the girl) she's helping Emily.

PHILOSOPHY ⫻ Truth to be, Emily doesn't give a shit about philosophy or anything of that mind. She usually says that it's a waste of time and she doesn't have one. However, Emily's actions and words, once analyzed, portray one: self-indulgence. All her life she was bending backward to make everyone around her happy at the cost of her own - and now she wants to make herself happy. Screw morality and other people, she just wants to get what she wants, however. She believes that she has to be heartless, ruthless, or people will step all over her.

SECRETS ⫻ Well, she doesn't go around announcing that she's affixed to a demon, that's for one.

SEXUALITY ⫻ Emily is straight.

FEARS ⫻ Emily, ultimately, fears making the bad call. She suffers from some confidence and self-competence issues that prevent her from fully making the right choice. Which is why she usually relies on other people that she trusts to do it for her. Which ends up being Babylon a lot of the time (who fears nothing btw). The girl fears to be powerless in any situation and makes sure that she's constantly in control. She also has mild Scopophobia... she has a hard time looking someone in the eye before it starts feeling awkward.

REPUTATION ⫻ As for Babylon she's feared across the multiverse as being a terror and the most cunning and evil thing in the known universe. Some believe that she's the one that'll end all the worlds. And she's affixed to Emily G. Reed. A nobody in the grand scheme of things and is known for being spineless, though that's probably what Babylon is counting on.

FLAWS ⫻ Emily, again, has self-competence issues deep down. Even though she has made strides, she's better suited as the follower than the leader. She feels like she'll make the bad call and end up making a mistake that'll embarrass her. The girl is a hedonist and is ruthless in getting what she wants, and she has a habit of making enemies. She also has self-worth issues and tries hard as possible to seem like she's better than the people around her - by putting them down anyway necessary. The girl also hates feeling powerless and out of control and has mild control freak tendencies - she always has to be in control. Not mentioning the fact that she's affixed to Babylon, the being that probably has a huge amount of people that want to kill her.

BACKSTORY

"Don't worry about where I came from, worry about that I'm right here."

Backstory of Babylon

The story of Babylon has been lost to time - or at least that's what Babylon says. She's an ancient Apparition from one of the many alternate universes out there and she gives usually one of two stories. The first one was that Babylon originated in the era of swords and shields as a powerful sorceress that was originally an Adept. She owned her kingdom of monsters, evil, and sin, one that spanned many different nations and she had slept with kings and queens before. Before the end times came and she was killed by one of her monsters. She came back as an Apparition shortly afterward. The other story she sometimes gives is that Babylon originated in the 1600s in a town overcome with lust, violence, and monsters, and a Preacher's intense desire to find something to blame created an Apparition. This Apparition ended up spreading her belief and power to all corners of the Earth where she became so powerful that she was a threat to the universe as a whole. It came to an end when she was sealed in a different universe.

Since then, Babylon has existed for millions of years - in chronological time, as every universe ages differently - terrorizing reality where ever she can get her hands on. She was Affixed and Adjoined to many, many, different humans and was even an Agent to some and Abscised a few people. Her abstraction changed constantly so much that she forgot what her first abstraction was, but she kept a few core abilities. She has done so much that she honestly forgot and only seeks to reach the heights of powers that she had reached before through any means necessary. The Apparition was known as one of the League's greatest enemies and rolled with the illustrious Thorton Walters a few times... but on and off as she found him dull and he always claimed that he had "bigger plans" than her. Some believed that Babylon would, through her foolishness, end the multiverse.

However, that came to an end when Babylon was tricked into entering Shimmer where she lied dormant as there was no Godforce there. Babylon slept for ages before she ended up returning as the Glutton was defeated. The only problem was that the belief in her was gone and she was rapidly fading. So out of desperation, she affixed herself to a child and that only lasted as long as she found a better host...

... Emily G. Reed.

Now Emily didn't have a special type of upbringing. She had two parents (Amber and Austin Reed) and two sisters (Miranda and Jacqueline Reed), went to school, had friends, and didn't suffer any tragic backstory! Though some stuff kinda sucked - there was always something... off about Emily. She didn't socialize with people that well and was relatively reclusive, but she was always trying her best to make friends. She thought that maybe if she's nice they'd like her better and eventually tried taking that to it's extreme. Throughout the years she did favors for everyone and always shared and put other people before herself. However, this ended very poorly for Emily; people simply took advantage of her kindness, but she had a hard just wrapping her head around it. She made a lot of mistakes and the people she thought were her friends peered looked down on her and insulted her because of it. So for years people just treated Emily like trash and she just took it. Mainly because she wasn't all that confrontational or always made some type of excuse in her head to avoid confronting them. It was to the point where some people would have to stick up for her. Still, she had a few friends that saw her as a person, so that counted for something, right? Let's ignore all the pent up rage and frustrations that began to grow in Emily.

The only solace that Emily had was in her family, the rest of the Reeds. She had a close bond with her two younger sisters, even though they kinda had their moments of rage. They were more proactive and confident in themselves than their older sister and they had plenty of fun (which, in Florida, isn't that hard to find). Emily was very protective of her sisters and did everything she could for them and they, in turn, did the same. She wanted to succeed, for them.

Emily graduated high school and went off to the University of South Florida in Tampa - not too far away from home. It was where Emily studied Psychology, and minored in Propaganda and got her first boyfriend: Rip Vanburen! He was so dashing, nice and appreciated her! She also kept in touch with her sisters, but that changed. And in her spare time, she got a glorious job in a grocery store as a cashier. This is where things started getting a little bad on Emily. Her bosses weren't exactly the best business runners out there and legitimately didn't care about Emily. Despite wanting shifts at night or whenever she didn't have classes they just gave her shifts whenever and extra hours. She tried to put her foot down but she didn't have the strength to resist it.

This caused her grades to drop as she tried her hardest to maintain her social life. Even though all of this was taking a toll on Emily, and it got worse when it turned out that her boyfriend was sleeping with another girl. Emily was betrayed and fell into a spiral of depression... one that she didn't care enough to stop and rest. She stayed with her boyfriend Rip even though he was cheating on her and she stopped talking with all of her friends and sisters. Though, everything changed one night when Emily decided to try something - anything to get out of this slump. She confronted the girl that her boyfriend was sleeping with Magnolia Rose, and it ended in a fight between the two that Emily lost. Horribly.

Waking up in a ditch without her wallet, Emily went home and barely felt like getting out of bed. After getting bugged by her bosses to come into work (when she told them she had class) she managed to force herself out of bed and took the bus ride there. However, that was when things changed.

That's when she met her.

Babylon, she called herself, was affixed to an infant and saw how Emily was doing and decided to help her out of pity. At first, Emily thought that she had finally gone mad and tried to ignore the Apparition that she was affixed to but Babylon kept at it. When she went to work, Babylon kept tempting her to stand up for herself and was ignored. This kept going for months until Babylon decided to resort to more drastic measures to get Emily on her side. When Rip and Emily went out on a date, eventually the subject of his cheating came up. Rip honestly didn't care and was dismissive of it all... until Emily snapped and punched him across the face. He laughed it off as Emily kept hitting him more and more... He got scared for his life as her strikes were inflicting serious damage and he was screaming for his life. She got a look at her hands and realized that they were claws and she realized that she transformed into a monster without realizing it.

And Babylon laughed. The two escaped from the scene as Emily was reverted into a human and she was horrified at her actions. However, she felt some kind of enjoyment out of punishing Rip for his actions - as fucked up as it sounded. She finally felt something that she needed to feel: power - and that was everything Babylon needed to hear. She told Emily that, through her power, she can make everything perfect. Emily was reluctant but was willing to give it a try - anything to get out of this depressive slump.

If nothing else, she wanted to make her bosses pay for their actions of taking advantage of her, treating her like meat... so she had Babylon treat them like meat. Babylon cast a spell on the two of them and forced them to make love to each other in the office. All under camera... to say the least, the authorities were called and there was a vacant seat. One that Emily herself was reluctant to occupy, but someone else took it and with a little threatening, she got everything that she wanted. Then she found that bitch Magnolia... and apologized to the girl for her past actions and told her that she can have Rip all to herself. Meanwhile, she got the hours and shifts she needed to complete her classes without bending backward.

And so, in less than a week Emily was happy again, however, she felt like this wasn't what she wanted. She felt a twinge of boredom with her life now, sitting around in classrooms and working in a shitty grocery store. When there were magic and adventure out there, but truly Emily finally understood the power that Babylon boasted about. She wanted to do more with it than sit on her ass but didn't know what. After years of putting up with everyone's bullshit and trying to please them, she decided that it was time to find her happiness.

Especially with Babylon around. The Apparition planned to plunge the world into violence, hedonism, and wanton lust - and Emily wasn't exactly sold on helping end the world. And Babylon understood but knew the two would find a common language. The two were alike in ways that Emily, at the time, didn't understand - and Babylon had some sort of affection for the girl. Emily tried to live her life in some semblance of normality but Babylon warned her, regardless of what happened: she was a flame that attracts the moths. Other Extra-Normal beings would come after her and eventually come in contact with them and have to face them.

Things were fine for a year. She graduated with her major and... ended up with a job as a secretary for a lab in Tampa. And she eventually went back home as she tried to decide where she was going to go next. However, everything changed one night when her sister, Miranda, frantically woke her up - telling her to go help, Jacqueline. There was an Apparition attached to her that was sucking the life out of her... and Babylon couldn't help but chuckle as Emily got heated. A fight ensued between the two which ended with Emily driving off the Apparition... however, Jacqueline was afflicted with a curse that was slowly killing her. Babylon finally explained why she was laughing: Emily was, like she said, the flame and the apparitions and other beings were the moths.

At this point, Emily was about to cast Babylon out, but the Apparition explained that she was the only thing helping her... which she asserts is out of pity. She told her of all the ways that she could break the curse, primarily finding the Apparition. Which Emily set out to do, along with a different goal... she realized that there are threats out there to herself and her family that she can't ignore. This is why, to prevent things like this from happening again, Emily set out to destroy all the Apparitions and other Extra-Normal beings she deems to be a threat. Every night she set out and moonlighted as a "demon hunter", ruthlessly hunting them down and sealing them into objects.

Eventually, Emily set out to find other, friendly, Extra-Normals so they can figure something out.

SKILLS & TALENTS

"Show me everything."

Tennis ⫻ Emily was quite passionate about Tennis back in the day. Her footwork, reflexes, and speed are quite good along with her skill. She doesn't play it as much - but whenever she gets the chance, she stops by a tennis court and practices (At times, plays some scrubs at it).

Spanish ⫻ In school Emily learned how to speak Spanish, and is a native of Florida she knows how to put it to good use.

Extra-Normal ⫻ Apart from her nature of being affixed to an Apparition that's existed for eons, Babylon is willing to share everything she knows about the Extra-Normal. What types of beings are out there and what sort of supernatural fuckery she can get into. Most importantly, Emily knows how to seal Apparitions, a skill that she uses well.

EXTRA-NORMAL ABILITIES

"She's already placed a spell on you... you better start running."

TYPE ⫻ Aberration (Affixed)

ABSTRACTION ⫻ Execration, Babylon can create curses and cast them out as spells to affect Emily, the environment and other people.

ABSTRACTION DESCRIPTION ⫻ Babylon is an ancient Apparition that has existed in many universes and in many different forms. She was the embodiment of all the evils in the world and that reflects in her abilities. Particularly, her abstraction has shifted so many times that she can hardly remember what her even the first one was (or she just doesn't tell because it's not important). Her current abstraction reflects a phase she spent as a sorceress after abscising someone. She has access to many different "Curses" that she can fire from her hands. Each of these curses in the physical form takes the appearance of Babylon's sigil and depending on the curse glows a different color. They can travel fairly fast through the environment and once they make contact with an object or person the will be cursed (or afflicted) and the sigil will float above it. Depending on what it hits will change the properties of the curse (Curses that hit the environment are an area of effect ability, while curses the that hit a person tend to affect that person, and each of the curses gives Emily a different ability) and she can only curse one thing at a time.

The Curse of Unending Flame ⫻ The curse Babylon casts out will have a bright red aura around it, almost like a fire. The Curse of Unending Flame is, like the name implies, a fire curse. When the spell connects to a person they'll instantly burst into flames and will constantly burn as long as the curse persists - possibly burn to death as the flames seemingly won't end unless extinguished or the target is killed. If the curse is connected to the environment it'll cause glowing cracks in the ground, which will shoot jets of intense flames for a few moments before they disappear. Applying the Curse of Unending Flame to G. Reed, however, affects similar to a heat-proof shield. She'll be completely immune to fire but she'll have a certain effect on fire and objects. Objects that burn real easily like dead leaves, clothes, etc, will combust in her presence after a certain amount of time - they'll instantly catch if she touches it with her hands. The other effect of applying the curse to herself is that fires burn much hotter and are much more volatile around her - along with being a lot harder to put out. This ability naturally synergizes with other pyrokinetic along with applying the curse onto the environment.

The Curse of Horrid Form ⫻ This curse has a yellow glow around it. It's a curse that Babylon's is (in)famous for and probably the one abstraction that she started with. The Curse of Horrid Form has a few particular effects that make it easily the most dangerous curse in the right hands. If a person is struck by the curse; they'll become an Afflicted and become half-animal. Whatever animal they become is symbolic to their personality (a scared person may become a mouse, an angry one a bull, etc, etc). Usually, these horrid beings get the strengths and weaknesses of said animal. However, the curse causes them to be cast out of society as a freak as they'll be desperate to break it (the only way to break it is for Babylon to break it). Casting the curse on the environment will cause an explosion of energy that'll trigger a mass transformation - albeit at a much slower rate.

Applying the curse of Horrid Form to Emily, however, causes her to transform into a wolf-woman. Her mass will increase (to the point where she adds on a few inches), her teeth will grow sharp, her digits will end with claws, and she'll be covered in silver fur. In this form, she's faster, stronger, tougher, and her sense of smell is on par with a wolf.

The Curse of Lust and Hedonism ⫻ The curse of Lust takes a pink glow around the sigil. The curse of lust is probably the most malicious of the curses in Babylon's opinion as it overwrites free will. If the curse is cast on a person, the only thing on their mind will be pure and unbridled lust. They're going to try to bone the closest person in sight and if they say no they'll try the next one until they say yes. They'll keep having sex until they either die or Babylon breaks the curse (though she finds it amusing to watch someone fuck themselves to death). If the curse is cast onto the environment it'll cause an explosion similar to the Curse of Horrid Form and whoever is hit by it will be compelled to have sex with the other people who have been hit (if only one person has been affected then the curse will instantly break).

If the Curse is applied to Emily, it gives her a different ability: shapeshifting and persuasion. It, first and foremost, alters her appearance depending on the person she's targeting. Shifting her appearance into their ideal person, and afterward, she'll find herself to be very hard to resist. Just by being in her presence will make them gradually more and more aroused as their lips will do anything to get her to take her clothes off.

The Plague of Flies ⫻ Curse of flies makes the sigil glow with a turquoise aura. The Plague of flies is the one curse that Babylon says can end lower technological civilizations. Once the curse is cast, an absolute horde of flies will appear and swarm whatever. If it's cast on a person, then they'll be swarmed with the flies as they'll be assaulted by the deadly swarm. They'll try to force their way inside of their target's orifices and eventually suffocate them if the curse isn't lifted. The Curse of Flies, when casting onto an environment, creates a massive swarm of flies so thick that it can't be seen through. The flies won't target or damage anyone for that matter, but they'll obscure the environment enough so that Emily can escape. The Curse of Flies, however, when applied to Emily seemingly has a detrimental effect: the flies will swarm her from head to toe. However, the flies will act as a symbiotic organism that'll clean her body off dirt, clean out her wounds, clog wounds with maggots to slow down bleeding, and if she needs to get away they'll form a cloak for her to getaway.

As for Babylon's abilities herself: Babylon isn't particularly strong but has the strength of a grown man. She can also float around and stuff due to the whole Apparition thing, but can't travel that far away from Emily.

AURA SENSING ⫻ This aura reading ability has nothing to do with Babylon, but Emily can sense the auras of all Apparitions in a ten-meter radius. For her to use this she has to close her eyes, focus and look around... but she can only see Apparitions that aren't Sealed, Affixed, or Abscised.

LIMITS ⫻ Now, you might be thinking that Babylon is the most overpowered apparition in the world. And you'd be right... if the RP was more about normies. You see, due to the Extra-Normal's resistance to each other's abilities, they're downright immune to a majority of her curses and the ones they aren't immune to will only last a few seconds. Just to get out of the way, all Extra-Normal beings are immune to the Plague of Flies, The Curse of Lust and Hedonism and the Curse of Horrid Form - she just can't use it on them. The Curse of Unending Flame can be directly used against the Extra-Normal but it'll wear off in a few seconds and the flames will disappear and the fire won't indirectly cause a lot of damage. Babylon can also only utilize one curse at a time if she wants to use another one she has to lift all the curses that are currently being used. The Curses can be cast as far as the eye can see but go fast enough that even the most unfit person can dodge them. Of course, Babylon is an apparition with free will that's only attached to Emily. She doesn't directly control her and Babylon and her, at times, have very different goals. So that sucks. Babylon can only travel about four meters away from Emily.

WEAKNESSES ⫻ Each curse has a way to break or a drawback. The Curse of Unending Flame is countered by - you guessed it - water. Throwing water on the sigil will instantly break the curse and the curse is also countered by everything else that would naturally snuff out the fire. Also, Emily isn't immune to stuff like smoke or fire itself if she doesn't have the curse cast on her. Speaking of casting the curse on Emily, the fire has the habit of destroying her clothes so she doesn't like using it. It's very destructive and unwieldy and tends to injure G. Reed herself, so it requires caution. The Curse of Horrid Form isn't practical to use at times as there's no way for Babylon to control the transformation, so just using it for the fuck of it will create a half-human mountain of rage right on top of her, or gunning for her. In the case of the Curse of Horrid Form, it can be physically broken by another Extra-Normal being - it's fragile as glass and can be broken in one well-timed hit. Same with the Curse of Lust and Hedonism. Applying the curse of Horrid Form to Reed will cause a painful and lengthy transformation that can leave her vulnerable to damage. And it's painful both ways. However, the curse will wear off if the person doesn't have any sexual contact in a short amount of time (about a few minutes). Finally, the Plague of flies can be dangerous for Babylon as killing a bunch of flies somehow can cause her physical damage. Babylon also isn't that good of an up-close fighter, as she's frail and very weak physically on the standards of Extra-Normal. If you can get close, you can take her out without the use of an abstraction.

There's also the fact that Emily is attached to, more or less, a demon and the social stigma that'll come from it even from other Extra-Normals.

OTHER

"Why are you acting like I'm the bad guy? There's way worse out there and I'm the only thing in the way."

[spicykvnt]

Cinder Sagestone

Name: Cinder Sagestone

Gender: Male

Appearance Age: 21

Race: Half-Elf

Rank/Occupation: Adventurer/Battlemage

Height: 6'0”

Weight: 200 lbs

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Brown

Marital Status: Single

Astrological Sign: Virgo

My first note is that while I personally don’t tend to over format my sheets, just using the bold tags on a sheet gives it enough of an organisational touch that makes it easier on the eye, and quicker to pick out the relevant information. You’ll see that I’ve also moved some things around in this version. Try to list the core information at the top - and almost list in order of importance. As a GM, when I look at a character sheet, at a glance before I get to reading, I like to know the gender, age, and race (genre specific), and perhaps their role/job/class. That’s all. Unless it’s very core to the roleplay, the rest of the information doesn’t need to be listed. Height/Weight/Eye Colour/Hair Colour can all be written in the appearance section -- and their relationship status can be hinted at in the background. Just my opinion, however! :)

General Appearance: Cinder is a fair skinned young man with an athletic slim build with a fair amount of muscle but not too stocky believing brains over braun. He has short black hair that reaches only to the edge of his neck and brown eyes that still have the passion of life and knowledge in them. His ears do have a small point in them showing his elven blood in his body. When he is resting or at an inn or town walking around he could be seen in blue enchanted magical robes with a mage hood with modified shoes and a sword on him but on his travels he wears light armor that covers him and his face that are also enchanted with various effects.

General Personality: Cinder is generally a practical, observant, and helpful person while also logical. He wants to be dependable to those that needs help and will be honest to those that seek his help or wisdom. He's gentle and sympathetic to those that earn it showing his caring side as well wanting to treat people equally. His patience in life is also a positive in battle because he knows things take time but he does daydream of what he wants in the future, due to his love for books he is punctual and expects that from other people and this also helps to win over people though he doesn't see that sometimes.
At times, he can be impatient with certain things and this is due to what he wants in the future while wanting to be on equal footing with everyone.

He also hides a witty side to himself and is a general good listener as he would rather solve things peacefully over fighting. He treats people equally despite their class and is a kind soul wanting to help people in need.

Bio (shortened): Cinder was born premature to a human mother and an elven father. Despite the birth he lived on and he was able to live and have a normal life despite being a late bloomer at some things. When he was 4 he discovered he learned differently than most. At the age of 7 his elven father left him and his mother to find his uncle though later in life would resent him for this choice. When he was 8 he had protected a friend and discovered then his magic lineage, his mother didn't want him to learn magic but he did so in secret with books and from his human grandmother and great-grandmother while teaching himself. As time went on his human mother went to have three more kids with two different men but being the oldest he has taken the older role model of the family as he would soon go leaving the house to find a place so they can see him after leaving wanting excitement and adventure in his life over boredom.

I know that this is a shortened bio, but there are a lot of points brought up that I would like you to expand on because it would add detail to the character, and help me understand him more. Questions that I have are; how was he a late bloomer? How was he learning differently? How did being a half-elf affect him growing up? What was the incident with the friend? This one I feel might be the most important part of his history because his discovery of his magic followed and that’s obviously a huge part of him. That story deserves to be told in the sheet :) How does Cinder feel about his siblings?

Skills: He is ambidextrous with one-handed weapons, able to enchant weapons and armor. He is a quick learner when it comes to spells, battle and even the usage of new weapons. A polite talker and at times a witty one too he is considerate of other people's views. Despite no formal training he is a gifted one-handed warrior, enchanter, magic user, talker and even a good archer (would only use it when needed). He also has hand-to-hand combat experience. He is able to remember faces of people he knows and sees.
I would scale back on some of his skills. In fact I might take out half of those, and keep only a few. It’s great and all to write a capable character, but there’s complexity and nuance in a character who does less, or specialises. He has had no formal training, and he is young (21) -- my suggestion to you would be to take some of this out, unless you can back up certain things like his archery in a backstory (i.e he hunted for necessity to eat and feed his siblings, since he took on a patriarchal role for them.)

Strengths: One handed skill with a sword, various forms of magic like elemental, summoning, protection, healing and illusion. (this is his order of using magic though it depends on the situation.) He can make potions and poisons but prefers potions to help himself and others. He can enchant weapons and armor with magic.

Again, I would scale back the magic. It’s a challenge when you have limited resources for a character and makes for much more interesting writing and scenarios, in my opinion :) Summoning in particular is such a heavy use of magic in most mediums. If you’re going to include this as a skill you need to go in depth and explain it, what he summons, the tolls it takes. One technique you could use is that he’s an elemental mage with a stronger connection with X element. For example, earth elemental magic could present as protection and shielding, water as healing, fire as offensive destruction and air as some kind of mix. Be creative with it! Don’t be afraid to really push the bar when you niche down.

Weaknesses: His fear of big dogs can make him at times not as responsive, he is also prone to the darkness and anger within him. His pacifist can make him appear not as forward to others or willing to kill in a fight.

These don’t feel too much like weaknesses so you should expand -- what does an overuse of magic do to him? If he is to have so many spells and skills, there has to be a cost for it to make him more balanced :)

Positive Traits: Loyal, logical, down-to-earth, patience, skilled worker, helpful, aware spiritually, respectful and attentive. Polite. Honorable along with peaceful, loves life

Negative Traits: repeats things sometimes when angry, prone to anger. Lazy at times while having a disinterest in boredom. Impatient at times.

Just as I mentioned before, a lot of these can be written in the personality section. A good way I do my own sheets is to start with lists like this, and then pick certain bits out to expand on and flesh out the sections :) A good technique is to write it like “Cinder is very loyal, logical, and down to earth - but when x y z happens he is prone to anger.” So, write a positive trait, and follow it with a contrasting, negative trait.

Likes: Books, reading, magic, traveling, helping, peace, a battle (due to his adrenaline kicking in when peace does not work), games, sports, cats, honor, respect, having his side looked at and heard.

Dislikes: Conflict, dishonorable people or actions, dogs, his anger, thieves.

Habits: When embarrassed he shyly looks away, at times picky when it comes to food, tends to say 'you don't understand' when his side is not being received the way he expects it to be. When he feels off-balance he will meditate somewhere quiet. And at times he has a tendency to talk to himself.

Habits could really be brought into the personality section, instead of listed somewhere else. You can also expand on them -- what, for example, would embarrass Cinder? I’m interested in that because it’s a nice touch that humanises him, and shows that he’s also got a vulnerable side that might pop up throughout the roleplay.

Goals: To be understood and accepted well by people, and to earn what everyone has like love and to live a legacy for future people to know and remember.

Sexual Orientation: Straight

@rebornfan320

Individual Notes in sheet*

@rebornfan320 *warm hugs*

First of all, I like your sheet -- and the effort you’ve made is clear. That said, overall the sheet feels very undercooked, and quite surface level -- and by that, I mean it still, to me, feels more like the first draft while you work through a concept for a character. That’s not a bad thing at all, by the way. You’re halfway there, to repeat a phrase I’ve been using an awful lot -- you just need to add the seasoning and bring everything together :)

When I’m trying to develop a character a bit, I think about the roleplay I’m applying for. I try to think up scenarios that are likely to happen, and then think of what my character would do. I think about what would frighten them, what kind of person they are likely to get along with, and who they may not.

I’d also suggest that you be conscious of the layout of your sheet; a good way to think of your sheet is that it's like the resume for your character. List the basic info - Name/Age/Race/Job first of all, then a paragraph on appearance with a picture too if you have one, a section for personality, and a section for background/history. These are the core sections of your sheet so don’t bury them under other information.

I would challenge you to keep at this sheet -- look at some of the questions I’ve jotted down in the notes, and see if you can answer them. Sometimes leaving a sheet or piece of writing to sit for a few days is super helpful - it allows us to look back with fresh eyes and that’s often how I take something that I thought was good, and make it into something that is much better. That has really been the best way I’ve developed my own writer’s voice, tone, and style.

Think about my feedback, and take another chip at it because I’d love to see the Cinder sheet again when you’ve had another go! Awesome stuff Reborn <3

[BangoSkank]

Danger, Danger Fontaine

Name: Danger, Danger Fontaine
Epithet: Masked and Mustachioed Macho...Guy
Age: 32
Height: 6'4" pounds of towering manliness
Weight: 246 pounds of raw hard muscle slathered in baby oil
Race: Human
Dominant Hand: Right

Weapons-

All of Danger's weapons are fashioned from cheap steel and are designed to break easily. They are carted down to the ring in a shopping car.

Hider

-A Wooden Folding Table designed for little more than being broken in dramatic fashion.

-A Chinese folding metal chair initially designed for sitting but quite useful for bashing about the head.

-A wooden kendo stick

-A Stop Sign seemingly picked up off the street

-A single live and very confused Lobster

-A Black Duct-Taped Up Baseball Bat

Equipment-

The Man Known As Danger, Danger Fontaine, wears upon his person:

Hider

Urban Colored Camo Shorts

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Black and White Gold's Gym Muscle Shirt

Hider

Black and White Wrestling Mask (trimmed back to allow his mustache freedom from the confines of his mask)

Hider

Wrestling Gloves

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Wrestling Boots

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Red Entrance Cape

Hider

Appearance-

Danger, Danger Fontaine is a thickly muscled well tanned man and is never seen without an indulgent quantity of baby oil ensuring each and ever muscle fiber glistens under the stadium lights as does his perfectly manicured mustache. His build is best described as mercilessly powerful and massively sexual.

Physical Abilities/Powers-

Hider

Physical Ability-
Danger, Danger Fontaine has inarguably perfected his craft. He is truly the picture of perfection. He is the image of intensity. The epitome of excellence. The physical manifestation of manliness. And also a generous lover, if you know what I mean. His grip is unbreakable, his strikes impeccable, his aerial game im...un...it's also pretty good.

Powers-
Imagined Invulnerability -
Danger, Danger Fontaine can ignore injuries that would incapacitate neigh any other man. Due to a combination of repeated traumatic concussions, pain killer use and abuse, and his massively inflated ego he can suffer great harm and continue on despite it. He is either numb to the pain due to a combination of nerve damage and pain killer use or simply able to power through it due to his own overpowering sense of self confidence. In short, while he is not actually in any way shape or form invulnerable to injury or damage he is fully capable of ignoring such damage until it becomes fundamentally physically incapacitating.

Supreme Arrogance -
Danger, Danger Fontaine's massively inflated ego and additive brain damage due to regular traumatic head injury allows him to face adversaries that are clearly exponentially more powerful than he and believe he still has a very real chance of victory.

Delusion -
Arguably all of Danger, Danger Fontaine's power is a result of this aspect of his mind. Despite what absurd circumstance he may find himself in and what inconceivable threat he may face, he will stalwartly believe that he is the Fan Favorite and that this is his shot at the big time. He can hear the roaring crowd. He can hear the commentators expounding over his miraculous musculature and marvelous mustache.

Unreasoning Rage -
Danger, Danger Fontaine's patina of professional wrestling professionalism fades into oblivion if his mask is removed or his mustache is mussed up. Though he generally plays up for the adoring arena carefully watching his each and every match, when an opponent dares to remove his mask he loses his restraint entirely. As a great man once said, he loses his smile. Much of the posing and smiling fades away and he is left a raving animal, throwing out as many big moves as he can as quickly as he can, often to his eventual detriment.

Personality-
Danger...Danger Fontaine. A self obsessed obnoxiously narcissistic professional wrestler, his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. He is loud, because it is important that the millions and millions of fans, all slavering at the bit for just a little more Danger, hear each and every syllable of each and every word. He is self aggrandizing because who knows Danger better than Danger himself? He is light hearted and often cracks terrible terrible jokes, because he is THE MAN. He is the top, the pinnacle, the apex, the peak, the asymptote, the azimuth, the hyperbole, he is the the man and the only way to be THE MAN is to beat THE MAN and the only man who can beat THE MAN is THE MAN, which is him, thus he is unbeatable. Ask anyone, they'll tell you. In the unlikely event he is one day beaten he is magnanimous in defeat because he knows, HE KNOWS, that belt is meant for one man and one man alone. THE MAN, which is him, Danger, Danger Fontaine, aka THE MAN. The Macho...Guy.

Background-
Danger, Danger Fontaine dreamed through all of his childhood of becoming a professional wrestler and eventually managed to make his dream come true. Growing up in South Dakota he knew from a young age that he was destined for greatness and the greatest greatness he could envision was becoming a massive slab of tanned and oiled muscle body slamming other, lesser, tanned and oiled massive muscle slabs for the entertainment and adoration of the million and millions watching at home. Happily fueled on by the antics of his wrestling idols, action movies, and neigh every book and training program advertised in the back of comic books, he grew muscleyier and muscleyier as his dream became an inevitable future.

He worked his way up through the indies gaining a reputation as an enormous ass, but an ass who put asses in seats. Which is the best kind of ass. Taking inspiration from his idols from America and the world abroad he fashioned for himself a number of easily recognized moves and a very recognizable physique. Muscles, Muscles, Mask and Mustache. In time he made his way to the premier federation of the United States and found great success. As well as he did he faced many injuries and eventually ended up as too big of a liability to the company to remain. This was likely a wise move as his massive ego led to him suffering many injuries that would have sidelined him if he weren't just such an egomaniac. Finally one day his undeniable superiority, ceaseless impossibly hyperbolic bragging, and need to pay some bills brought him to Undisputed Pro Wrestling.

[Tala93]

Out of all the sheets I have done over the years, I would honestly say that this probably one of my best sheets so far. Maybe that might be a bit over confident. She falls into many realms of some of my favorite genres. It's still a work in progress so any feedback would be fantastic.

Nathalie

Name & Title: Nathalie Katia Thévenet, Queen of the Vampires.
Age: Looks 30.
Ethnicity: Scandinavian
Eyes: Blue
Weight: 135
Relationships: Edvard Thévenet, eternal Vikar. Progenies: Salvatore Di Vittiori & Rian Leahy
Hobby: Collecting beautiful people.

History:

Scandinavia 500 BC at the start of the Iron Age. Katla Aakre was born. Her father was the tribe’s chieftain and her mother a high priestess, growing up she learned to be diplomatic and be intune with the gods and nature. At the age of 30, she lost her betrothed in battle and was expecting a child. On the night her betrothed died, she had a miscarriage. Inconsolable of her loss, Katla voluntarily offered herself up as a sacrifice to a demon. Legend has it that the demon was in love with her because of her beauty and promised she would have children one day. But how, is still unknown. Katla’s appearance of having white hair and blue eyes, was uncommon. In the eyes of her people, some would say that she was the equivalent to the goddess Freyja.

As a result of the sacrifice, the demon made an oath with her where it would possess her at the same time protect, keep her alive, never bear witness to the pain she endured, and stay with her. Now the demon had a mate that was stuck in the underworld which it desired to be released at the behest of the same ritual. However, for the demon’s mate to return to the realm of living, the right vessel had to be born. Winter of this same year, arrived at which point she lost her family to famine, sickness, and warfare. Katla tried to save them, except for one, her older brother. Seeing Tarald lying there dying in the cold winter snow was too much for her. The demon within her again witnessed her inconsolable emotions and taught her how to save him. Her and Tarald would become the first to share eternity and the gift bestowed upon them.

Together they witnessed humankind's effect on the earth. They moved around Scandinavia so as not to draw attention to who they really were. People started to question them out of fear, rumors and legends were made about them if they stayed in one place too long. For them it was better to live away from civilization.

Viking Age: 787 - 1066 AD

Years passed for Katla and Tarald as the first two original vampires. Their old Scandinavia as they remembered began to flourish into a colonizing nation filled with exploration, whalers, farmers, and raiders. Tarald was looked upon as a seer for he had the gift or foresight, and Katla was the town’s a high priestess for her healing capabilities. It was during the Viking era that her awaiting vessel would be born. Katla waited till he was thirty-five to be with her. She watched him grow and become a man, as well as become a famous warrior within their town. He was the son of an Earl. One day, he went out for a raid in the spring, after a successful voyage, he returned dying of his injuries. His family, filled with dismay, was frantic and begged for Katla to save him. With their plea, she agreed and had him brought to her home where she didn’t allow his family to witness for she was uncertain if it was going to work. In the privacy of hers and her brother’s home, she healed him using traditional methods. Days went by as she continued to care for him, never disclosing her true identity to him. His wounds were too great for her to perform the demonic ritual.

A year or so after she healed him, the town was growing in prosperity and becoming fortified, people once again were starting to question why the siblings haven’t aged, fear continued to grow. The siblings lived a life that didn’t draw attention to themselves as murderers. Rumors started to spread once more, a small group (first group of hunters) established themselves and went out one night to look for Katla and Tarald. Conflict broke out, the captors brought the siblings into the public eye for execution. At the moment, her Vikar appeared and defended them. At his defense the siblings were judged innocent. Once the crowd dispersed, that was the same night she finally disclosed who she was and was grateful for his aid, in return she gave him the gift of immortality.

Renaissance and Colonial Era

After waiting for such a long time for Vikar, the viking age came to end and they moved around from place to place, blending in, adjusting to the times, changing their names. The three of them witnessed the dark ages, They lived in Florence, Italy during the renaissance where she met Salvatore Di Vittirori in the mid-late 16th century. His status in society impressed her, especially with his background, making him her third progeny. She saw Salvatore as a son she never had. Time continues to pass; in 1728 at the Golden Age of piracy she was living in Calais, France for safety during Britain’s time of war. She was walking the beach at night just outside of her estate when she found a lifeless body washed ashore. He went by the name of Rian Leahy, who was a nautical medical officer in the British Navy. That fateful night she turned him at her request of him wanting him to live.

Katla’s time in the mortal realm was starting to wane, she needed to rest. War between her race, wolves, hunters/religious zealots, plague (lack of consumption supply), and regal power took a devastating toll on her. With the amount of casualties of her kin, she went into slumber for almost 120 years.

In the winter of 1729, before she went into her stupor the following spring, Katla established the vampiric council. She had taught Salvatore and Rian everything they needed to know, gave them titles for they were now in her stead. She had prepared them for when she would not be around, entrusting them to protect her, Tarald and Vikar until it was time for them to return. As the vampiric Prophecy foretells:

“When legends of old return, a new prosperity shall reign.”

Nathalie paced the floor of the dim lit room, light from the fireplace danced across the halls. In the room where the two younger vampires, her Tarald and Edvard and a few others she instated as council members. “I cannot stand to see another of my kin suffer for the fear of mortals. Too much damage has been caused and we are on the brink of extinction. Each of you must go your own way. Seek safety and refuge, abide by our rules. Feed on animals or go into a slumber. King Charles reign will come to an end and our place will be reinstated. I’ve already seen what our future holds. A religious monarch will take the throne, at which point my awakening will happen. Whoever sits on the ivory throne, will regret their decision. We used to live in peace now we live in fear. We are myths and nightmares of old. It’s time my children for the world to adjust without us, for we adjusted to the world. When that time comes we will give in to our true nature as predators instead of prey.”

Victorian Era

Katla, now known as Nathalie, her story along with Tarald (Wesley Dallam) and Vikar (Edvard Devereux) would start in 1840s London. Her awakening caused by a regal power would spark her desire for her true nature, consuming blood from beautiful people that she collects and feeds on the lust of mortals.

Song: youtube.com/watch?v=mIPm5wOoV1Y
youtube.com/watch?v=rrcD0SS022w
youtube.com/watch?v=7PBo83bPyOE

[spicykvnt]

Thanks for patience everyone, I'll get these done this weekend :) Looking forward to reading the work!

[spicykvnt]

Nathalie

Name & Title: Nathalie Katia Thévenet, Queen of the Vampires.
Age: Looks 30.
Ethnicity: Scandinavian
Eyes: Blue
Weight: 135
Relationships: Edvard Thévenet, eternal Vikar. Progenies: Salvatore Di Vittiori & Rian Leahy
Hobby: Collecting beautiful people. That’s an interesting line.

History:

Scandinavia 500 BC at the start of the Iron Age. Katla Aakre was born. Her father was the tribe’s chieftain and her mother a high priestess, growing up she learned to be diplomatic and be intune with the gods and nature. At the age of 30, she lost her betrothed in battle and was expecting a child. On the night her betrothed died, she had a miscarriage. Inconsolable of her loss, Katla voluntarily offered herself up as a sacrifice to a demon. Legend has it that the demon was in love with her because of her beauty and promised she would have children one day. But how, is still unknown. Katla’s appearance of having white hair and blue eyes, was uncommon. In the eyes of her people, some would say that she was the equivalent to the goddess Freyja.

This is a very quick transition from being born to being 30, losing a husband and unborn child. I would perhaps expand on her upbringing -- that's an interesting parentage she has. I’m also curious about her husband, and their life together. Building up that story really adds flavour and makes the reveal of his death more emotional.

As a result of the sacrifice, the demon made an oath with her where it would possess her at the same time protect, keep her alive, never bear witness to the pain she endured, and stay with her. Now the demon had a mate that was stuck in the underworld which it desired to be released at the behest of the same ritual. However, for the demon’s mate to return to the realm of living, the right vessel had to be born. Winter of this same year, arrived at which point she lost her family to famine, sickness, and warfare. Katla tried to save them, except for one, her older brother. Seeing Tarald lying there dying in the cold winter snow was too much for her. The demon within her again witnessed her inconsolable emotions and taught her how to save him. Her and Tarald would become the first to share eternity and the gift bestowed upon them.

There is more tragedy here, I might introduce Tarald in the first paragraph and perhaps describe their relationship growing up, it doesn’t have to be long, but clues to their closeness and their bond again add depth to this history.

Together they witnessed humankind's effect on the earth. They moved around Scandinavia so as not to draw attention to who they really were. People started to question them out of fear, rumors and legends were made about them if they stayed in one place too long. For them it was better to live away from civilization.

Viking Age: 787 - 1066 AD

Years passed for Katla and Tarald as the first two original vampires. Their old Scandinavia as they remembered began to flourish into a colonizing nation filled with exploration, whalers, farmers, and raiders. Tarald was looked upon as a seer for he had the gift or foresight, and Katla was the town’s a high priestess for her healing capabilities. It was during the Viking era that her awaiting vessel would be born. Katla waited till he was thirty-five to be with her. She watched him grow and become a man, as well as become a famous warrior within their town. He was the son of an Earl. One day, he went out for a raid in the spring, after a successful voyage, he returned dying of his injuries. His family, filled with dismay, was frantic and begged for Katla to save him. With their plea, she agreed and had him brought to her home where she didn’t allow his family to witness for she was uncertain if it was going to work. In the privacy of hers and her brother’s home, she healed him using traditional methods. Days went by as she continued to care for him, never disclosing her true identity to him. His wounds were too great for her to perform the demonic ritual.

I think it’s very interesting that they’re the first vampires - and it feels very rooted in actual mythology, and you’ve built that very nicely by keeping it simple but using elements of gothic horror that we know and love. Kudos.

A year or so after she healed him, the town was growing in prosperity and becoming fortified, people once again were starting to question why the siblings haven’t aged, fear continued to grow. The siblings lived a life that didn’t draw attention to themselves as murderers. Rumors started to spread once more, a small group (first group of hunters) established themselves and went out one night to look for Katla and Tarald. Conflict broke out, the captors brought the siblings into the public eye for execution. At the moment, her Vikar appeared and defended them. At his defense the siblings were judged innocent. Once the crowd dispersed, that was the same night she finally disclosed who she was and was grateful for his aid, in return she gave him the gift of immortality.

Renaissance and Colonial Era

After waiting for such a long time for Vikar, the viking age came to end and they moved around from place to place, blending in, adjusting to the times, changing their names. The three of them witnessed the dark ages, They lived in Florence, Italy during the renaissance where she met Salvatore Di Vittirori in the mid-late 16th century. His status in society impressed her, especially with his background, making him her third progeny. She saw Salvatore as a son she never had. Time continues to pass; in 1728 at the Golden Age of piracy she was living in Calais, France for safety during Britain’s time of war. She was walking the beach at night just outside of her estate when she found a lifeless body washed ashore. He went by the name of Rian Leahy, who was a nautical medical officer in the British Navy. That fateful night she turned him at her request of him wanting him to live.

I love that she is slowly collecting this harem of men! (Beautiful people, of course) It reminds me a lot of the vampire backstory in Buffy, with Darla, Angelus, Drusilla, and Spike.

Katla’s time in the mortal realm was starting to wane, she needed to rest. War between her race, wolves, hunters/religious zealots, plague (lack of consumption supply), and regal power took a devastating toll on her. With the amount of casualties of her kin, she went into slumber for almost 120 years.

I like that you’re really counted for all of her history, she seems like a very interesting character who has lived an incredibly rich and full life so far. It’s very difficult to fit in so much information into a sheet and still keep it exciting to read - you’ve definitely managed this here. There are parts that I wish were expanded on - such as the relationship with her brother at the start, and more about her early upbringing.

In the winter of 1729, before she went into her stupor the following spring, Katla established the vampiric council. She had taught Salvatore and Rian everything they needed to know, gave them titles for they were now in her stead. She had prepared them for when she would not be around, entrusting them to protect her, Tarald and Vikar until it was time for them to return. As the vampiric Prophecy foretells:

“When legends of old return, a new prosperity shall reign.”

Nathalie paced the floor of the dim lit room, light from the fireplace danced across the halls. In the room where the two younger vampires, her Tarald and Edvard and a few others she instated as council members. “I cannot stand to see another of my kin suffer for the fear of mortals. Too much damage has been caused and we are on the brink of extinction. Each of you must go your own way. Seek safety and refuge, abide by our rules. Feed on animals or go into a slumber. King Charles reign will come to an end and our place will be reinstated. I’ve already seen what our future holds. A religious monarch will take the throne, at which point my awakening will happen. Whoever sits on the ivory throne, will regret their decision. We used to live in peace now we live in fear. We are myths and nightmares of old. It’s time my children for the world to adjust without us, for we adjusted to the world. When that time comes we will give in to our true nature as predators instead of prey.”

Victorian Era

Katla, now known as Nathalie, her story along with Tarald (Wesley Dallam) and Vikar (Edvard Devereux) would start in 1840s London. Her awakening caused by a regal power would spark her desire for her true nature, consuming blood from beautiful people that she collects and feeds on the lust of mortals.

Song: youtube.com/watch?v=mIPm5wOoV1Y
youtube.com/watch?v=rrcD0SS022w
youtube.com/watch?v=7PBo83bPyOE

@Tala93

*Big Hug*

I like this sheet a lot, it's mostly just a history so I'd want to see both how you would write her appearance, and also a written personality section. I'm not getting a sense of that part of who she is from the history alone. Much of it describes the events that happened around her, and I'm left hungry for information about her inner thoughts, and her personal change. The sheet would benefit so much from adding those two sections, in my opinion.

I love vampire characters though, and vampire mythology. You've taken a very classic gothic approach to this, both with the setting, the time frame, and the overall regality of it and I love that. I'm getting throwbacks to Buffy, Interview with the Vampire, Underworld etc which were all just a huge part of my early foray into fiction and into Vampires.

It's worth noting that you've crafted a really strong history for Nathalie, and also for the people around her and so for that I applaud you. Well done! I'd be very interested in reading your posts and roleplays based off this.

[spicykvnt]

Danger, Danger Fontaine

Name: Danger, Danger Fontaine
Epithet: Masked and Mustachioed Macho...Guy
Age: 32
Height: 6'4" pounds of towering manliness
Weight: 246 pounds of raw hard muscle slathered in baby oil
Race: Human
Dominant Hand: Right

Appearance-

Danger, Danger Fontaine is a thickly muscled well tanned man and is never seen without an indulgent quantity of baby oil ensuring each and ever muscle fiber glistens under the stadium lights as does his perfectly manicured mustache. His build is best described as mercilessly powerful and massively sexual.

You can do more with this. You can go further with it, I get the approach you’ve taken - to have a humurous, almost nonchalant take, but I want to see you take it further. Why is he best described as powerful and massively sexual -- that feels added on. Add in details about his eye colour, his expression, his stance, his manner - you can build a profile really well by just dropping these in so that when the reader does reach that finishing line, it feels justified. You could even write everything before that line to be completely not sexual at all for a bigger punch line. You’ve said it, now explain it. Show me.



Physical Abilities/Powers-

Hider

Physical Ability-
Danger, Danger Fontaine has inarguably perfected his craft. He is truly the picture of perfection. He is the image of intensity. The epitome of excellence. The physical manifestation of manliness. And also a generous lover, if you know what I mean. His grip is unbreakable, his strikes impeccable, his aerial game im...un...it's also pretty good.

See here? This is what you put in your physical appearance section. This shit is funny, and paints more of an image than the description does. Put it in, expand on it, throw the punchline down for big KO.

Powers-
Imagined Invulnerability -
Danger, Danger Fontaine can ignore injuries that would incapacitate neigh any other man. Due to a combination of repeated traumatic concussions, pain killer use and abuse, and his massively inflated ego he can suffer great harm and continue on despite it. He is either numb to the pain due to a combination of nerve damage and pain killer use or simply able to power through it due to his own overpowering sense of self confidence. In short, while he is not actually in any way shape or form invulnerable to injury or damage he is fully capable of ignoring such damage until it becomes fundamentally physically incapacitating.

Supreme Arrogance -
Danger, Danger Fontaine's massively inflated ego and additive brain damage due to regular traumatic head injury allows him to face adversaries that are clearly exponentially more powerful than he and believe he still has a very real chance of victory.

I really like this. The reason why is because this is tragic -- you’ve set up so far this hilarious man, all powerful, all glistenin muscle, and then you’ve put in a really relatable flaw that cuts through him with an emotional element and I love it. This is the material that you use to pull the rug out from your reader at the end. Build, build, build your character to ridiculous levels and then slam this in. Golden.

Delusion -
Arguably all of Danger, Danger Fontaine's power is a result of this aspect of his mind. Despite what absurd circumstance he may find himself in and what inconceivable threat he may face, he will stalwartly believe that he is the Fan Favorite and that this is his shot at the big time. He can hear the roaring crowd. He can hear the commentators expounding over his miraculous musculature and marvelous mustache.

That’s tragic too. He’s kind of a joke, but he believes he’s the best. Use that.

Unreasoning Rage -
Danger, Danger Fontaine's patina of professional wrestling professionalism fades into oblivion if his mask is removed or his mustache is mussed up. Though he generally plays up for the adoring arena carefully watching his each and every match, when an opponent dares to remove his mask he loses his restraint entirely. As a great man once said, he loses his smile. Much of the posing and smiling fades away and he is left a raving animal, throwing out as many big moves as he can as quickly as he can, often to his eventual detriment.

Personality-
Danger...Danger Fontaine. A self obsessed obnoxiously narcissistic professional wrestler, his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. He is loud, because it is important that the millions and millions of fans, all slavering at the bit for just a little more Danger, hear each and every syllable of each and every word. He is self aggrandizing because who knows Danger better than Danger himself? He is light hearted and often cracks terrible terrible jokes, because he is THE MAN. He is the top, the pinnacle, the apex, the peak, the asymptote, the azimuth, the hyperbole, he is the the man and the only way to be THE MAN is to beat THE MAN and the only man who can beat THE MAN is THE MAN, which is him, thus he is unbeatable. Ask anyone, they'll tell you. In the unlikely event he is one day beaten he is magnanimous in defeat because he knows, HE KNOWS, that belt is meant for one man and one man alone. THE MAN, which is him, Danger, Danger Fontaine, aka THE MAN. The Macho...Guy.

This paints a great picture, but it could be written better to have more of an impact. Split it up into paragraphs. A concept I’m feeling is to follow the positives with a negative perhaps? Almost as if this is Fontaine himself pumping himself up before a battle - and the negatives become the little voice in his ear, the voice addicted to painkillers etc etc. I love it, because you’ve used humour and this style of writing throughout which sets it apart from other sheets I’d read. I get the feeling that this sheet is from an unreliable narrator, almost like the character himself is writing this, believing in his own hype to his detriment, and to laughter and mockery of those around him. It’s very very clever, but I do think you can take that further and polish it.

Background-
Danger, Danger Fontaine dreamed through all of his childhood of becoming a professional wrestler and eventually managed to make his dream come true. Growing up in South Dakota he knew from a young age that he was destined for greatness and the greatest greatness he could envision was becoming a massive slab of tanned and oiled muscle body slamming other, lesser, tanned and oiled massive muscle slabs for the entertainment and adoration of the million and millions watching at home. Happily fueled on by the antics of his wrestling idols, action movies, and neigh every book and training program advertised in the back of comic books, he grew muscleyier and muscleyier as his dream became an inevitable future.

He worked his way up through the indies gaining a reputation as an enormous ass, but an ass who put asses in seats. Which is the best kind of ass. Taking inspiration from his idols from America and the world abroad he fashioned for himself a number of easily recognized moves and a very recognizable physique. Muscles, Muscles, Mask and Mustache. In time he made his way to the premier federation of the United States and found great success. As well as he did he faced many injuries and eventually ended up as too big of a liability to the company to remain. This was likely a wise move as his massive ego led to him suffering many injuries that would have sidelined him if he weren't just such an egomaniac. Finally one day his undeniable superiority, ceaseless impossibly hyperbolic bragging, and need to pay some bills brought him to Undisputed Pro Wrestling.

This run of words is wonderful; “gaining a reputation as an enormous ass, but an ass who put asses in seats.”

I can only emphasis on what I’ve already said, in that I love the style you’ve taken with writing this, but I want you to look at it from a serious angle and find those points where you can lay in the emotion real thicc.

@BangoSkank

*Huge Hug*

This is great, Bango.

I instantly knew what you were doing, and the choice to use a humorous voice in the creation of this sheet was a great one. Maybe you did or did not realise that doing so would also give the sheet a real nice gravitas to is when it comes to the serious parts - the addictions of the character, the head injury. It feels almost like a surreal read at times. The ramblings of a maniac, it feels unreliable, in your face, really loud -- all of these choices only add layers to the character.

I'd love you to take another look at this now, 11 days later, to see how it hits you now. Look at my suggestions and maybe have another crack at it, because this feels like one of those sheets that needs a little time to mature and for some of the ideas you have to fall into place.

Nice job bud.

[Tala93]

@StormflyxAwesome thank you. Will definitely toss your insights in.