[IC] House Of Villains: A Slice Of Life About Comically Self-Aware Villains

Henry Biafra

Henry woke up to the detestable sound of the alarm of his phone going off; slowly he slinked out of bed and towards his bathroom. Getting himself ready and dressed for his job. For over the past couple of years now he was a clerk for 7/11 in the morning shift; he had discussed with his boss to have the night shift but his request was declined. Putting on the uniform that he despised wearing for the past couple of years now.

Walking down the stairs and heading towards the kitchen; fixing himself some earl grey tea. And while the water was boiling he was making himself some oatmeal and peeling an orange while pouring himself a glass of milk. Not being excited to see his roommates who were other villains like himself.

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

Do you know who was excited that morning?

"Jill" finished brushing her auburn bob that was definitely not a wig and practically strutted to the kitchen. She beamed a toothy grin when she noticed Henry. Her motivations were a mad mix between familiarity, pride, and a love of pushing buttons from time to time.

"Good moooorning!" the Normal Human sang out as she poured an iced coffee for herself. "And it truly is. I shall obtain that job today, I can feel it."

The Normal Human took a swig of her iced coffee, enjoying the energizing combination of sweet and bitter. Then, she spat it back into her mug. The dark magicks that animated Jill gave her heightened acuity in all five senses, but the skeletal woman still lacked the digestive organs necessary to actually consume the food and drink she tasted.

[Eviledd1984]

@Zanavy

Henry Biafra

Henry was seated in one of the chairs at the kitchen table; he put a spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth. He felt annoyed being around his roommates; Jill was one of those people that annoyed him greatly. It was quite impressive that he did not blow up the house, but unfortunately for him, all of his roommates were undead and would survive the explosion.

"Hello" He said curtly to the woman; watching her spitting out the iced coffee with some amusement. "I'm sure you will get it," He said as he continued eating his breakfast. He was going to ask his manager once again for a pay raise, but he was sure that his manager was going to decline.

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

@Eviledd1984

Jill tilted her head a bit at Henry's encouragement, at least in his words if not his attitude. Her prideful posture quickly returned, though.

"Anyway, the reason I know today is the day, is I found THESE!"

Jill reached into her bedazzled purse and pulled out a small cardboard box. Inside the box were two orbs... when Jill pulled one out into the light, it became apparent they were glass eyes. Jill popped them into her empty sockets and struck an enchanting pose.

"Don't they look wonderful, daahling?"

They were some decent quality glass eyes. On most people, you would have to look pretty close to tell the difference. In a lich's lidless empty sockets, however, they looked a tad horrifying.

[Dark Cloud]

Jonathan B. Jangles

"Oh gibbering abyss and endless maelstrom..."

---

Crumpling up the sheet Jonathan threw the balled up wad into his wastebasket in his study that also doubled as his bedroom. Furnished with a few bookshelves and a large desk lit by an antique lamp, his bed was a Murphy bed that could be pulled down. It wasn't much but it was all he had left after his manor in London burnt after the townsfolk discovered where all the orphans were disappearing to.

It was a time in the past he never wished to revisit but he kept much of his research on animation of the dead as he owed his undeath to his research. While the manor burnt he took the concoction he had used on the children and by some miracle it worked.

Yet he knew that forces beyond his comprehension had something to do with it as he didn't believe whatever happened was gods work.

[Eviledd1984]

@Zanavy

Henry Biafra

Henry had seen a lot of messed up things, but he still disliked anything involving eyeballs and or eyesockets. Finishing up his breakfast and putting it in the sink. "They look great" He turned around to face the undead girl; He was not very good with small talk. "Let me know if you need anything while I am at work" He was usually quite helpful to his roommate when they need assistance. He said one last goodbye to her before leaving the house.

Getting on his Harley and riding towards his work. He always liked to get there early; because the people at his workplace were lazy good for nothing.

[Sleeth]

Grok

"You have won again, but each day Grok grows stronger!" A deafening voice comes from outside, moments before a thud, then another, then one more much closer. Finally, the door opens, and the lumbering man that is Grok enters the apartment. His pupils could hardly be much wider as he comes inside, and it's quite clear he's gotten up early again to have a staring contest with the rising sun.

He'd gotten the idea when a friendly customer, who was having their groceries bagged by Grok about a week ago, said "Hey pal, why don't you go have a staring contest with the sun, maybe you'll see where the bread goes in the bag." And so he has, though the idea of bread has been lost to time.

As his eyes adjusted to the light, the first thing that came into view was the creepy glass eyes of Jill, in whatever kind of pose that was supposed to be. "The Jill has grown new eyes! When will the rest grow back?" He asks at a typically uncomfortable volume as he looks her up and down.

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

@Sleeth

Jill looked quite pleased as Henry complimented her gorgeous new eyes. She had just enough time to slurp up and spit out another sip of coffee before another roommate got the privilege of witnessing her new accessories. Jill smiled at Grok, pleased that he had noticed the glow-up. Her good mood faltered at the end of his greeting, though. The lich gazed into the middle distance with a sour frown.

"In due time, Grok," she responded flatly. "Someday, I shall become rich, and then I shall regain my former power and beauty..."

As Jill's focus left the vague middle distance and returned to the present, she noticed the kitchen trash can was about to overflow. Did she dare...? Things didn't go well last time... But he poked a sore spot... Though she could just tell Mike to... But she did need to practice persuading people in non-magical ways...

"Grok, would you just look at that trash can?" Jill said with slow speech and exaggerated pitch fluctuations, like talking to a kindergartener. "Why, it looks to me like it's trying to grow bigger than you. And it just might! Hey, why don't you show it who's boss by tossing that trash into that big green dumpster across the street?"

[Sleeth]

Grok

The can of trash was growing? Surely his Room-Mate the Jill would not lie to him. Perhaps this can was trying to sneakily trying to take up more and more of the kitchen after all, to overthrow them. This trash can was right next to the fridge, and in that fridge was the flesh of the unborn he so loved (eggs.) Was this why he was always told to take out the trash at work? Were they truly such a pest?

Instead of contemplating this further, Grok stands tall before the trash can, braces both hands against it, and a dreadful noise resounds as he slowly crushes it like a human trash compactor, only for something brown to suddenly ooze out from the side. This in turn causes a great narrowing of the eyes as Grok goes to an open window, and brutally chucks the can towards the dumpster across the street.

"Grah! The Manager Eugene will not let Grok work with the blood of his enemies on him! I need that which sanitizes the hands, the ritual of cleansing must commense before my shift!" He exclaims, going to the sink to rinse off his hands, only to find Henry's oatmeal bowl sitting in it. "Why is this dish not rinsed? It is Grok's night to do the dishes, and the oats of grain get hard upon the bowl!"

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

@Sleeth

Jill stood frozen during Grok's valiant battle, vainly attempting to deny the situation.

Well, at least nobody got hurt.

In the distance, a piercing feline yowl rang out.

...Well, at least nobody capable of pressing charges got hurt.

Jill sighed and held her head in her hand as Grok continued on to a new task, intense as ever. They would need a new trash can. This was a problem..... for somebody else. Today, Jill needed to be properly early and focused for her final job interview.

"It's not rinsed because men are savages," the lich responded with a wry smirk, rinsing out her own full mug of iced coffee. "Oh, you know I'm just teasing~~. Have a good day at work, daahling. Remember to smile and not kill people in public."

Jill looked through her jeweled purse to make sure she had everything she needed. Bus fare, pens, comb, resume, lipstick, a couple crystalline spell components for emergencies... yes, she was ready as she ever could be. Her left eye started to roll out of its socket while she looked down, but she caught it and shoved it back in.

"I would say 'Wish me luck,' but I'm sure that won't be necessary," the very Normal Human declared as she headed to the front door. "With my vast knowledge and love of studying great mysteries, I shall be a shoe-in for the esteemed role of Library Assistant. Ta-ta."

With a grandiose wave, Jill left the house.

[Dark Cloud]

Jonathan B. Jangles

^@Sleeth

---

---

Slowly the skeleton made his way into the kitchen, Jonathan wore his pinstriped pajamas as well as a pointed nightcap. It would have looked humorous to anyone watching or it would have scared anyone, an animated skeleton lazily shuffling towards the coffee maker.

Jonathan looked outside and as he opened the blinds he shook his head and face palmed "Why do these scallywags never listen," Jonathan sighed exasperatedly "It's like everyone wants to get thrown in pr-" he cut himself off noticing Grok in the kitchen complaining about the dishes apparently neither Jonathan nor Grok had noticed each other.

"Good day Grok," Jonathan finally deciding to let his roommate know he was in the room "If you want help with the dishes I'll lend you a..." he grabbed his hand and detached his appendage waving it at Grok "Hand!" Jonathan chuckled at his own pun as he reatached his hand to his wrist.

[Sleeth]

Grok

Grok's eyes narrowed at Jill as she referred to men as savages. Groom was a gentleman, he'd even taken to ironing his loincloth. Granted, he was told he wasn't allowed to wear it in public anymore, and almost had his name added to a list. Unimportant! That small verbal slight was nothing compared to the bowl before him, which he aggressively rinsed with burning hot water.

Grumbling to himself as he starts to use way too much dishsoap, engrossed with his work until he finally hears Jonathon actually speak to him. "The Jon has risen! Your assistance is appreciated against the hardened oats!" He says, reaching out towards the skeletal arm. With the offer, Grok has every intention to take that hand and use it as a sponge-holder, or even to use those boney fingers to scrape off grime.

@Dark Cloud

[Dark Cloud]

Jonathan B. Jangles

^@Sleeth

---

---

Shaking his head at the folly he just made Jonathan stepped backwards "No Grok," he said firmly "I was joking about giving you my hand I meant-" groaning the skeleton in striped pajamas stopped himself from trying to explain that he made a pun "I'll dry the dishes and put them away alright big guy?" Jonathan said patting Grok on the back as he walked to the counter and began drying clean dishes.

[Eviledd1984]

Henry Biafra

When the undead gunslinger arrived at work he was greeted by his co-worker named Randy. "Hi man; how are ya? You better watch out for the boss man he looks pissed about something"; Randy walked along with Henry into the back room of the convenience store. "I can't really avoid him since I plan on asking for a raise" Randy put on his outfit. This outfit was the bane of his existence, But since it was mandatory he had to wear it.

"I fuckin hate this place" He muttered as he got to the front counter of the store. As the customer came in he helped with their purchases. Most of the customers that came in were either teenagers trying to buy beer; or yuppies trying to buy some energy drinks after their tennis lessons.

Ocassionally he would stare at the clock; hoping that this day would be over and done with.

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

Jill boarded the second bus that passed by her bus stop. The first one drove right past, surely intimidated by the sight of such raw power and beauty. Jill had prepared for such a possibility, though, and should still get there respectfully early for her interview.

The bus rolled forward as the lich took an empty window seat. Not even a minute passed before a baby nearby started crying hysterically. Jill sighed. She didn't intend to scare small children (usually), didn't intend to be a terrifying display of dark magick on legs. It was just one of the consequences of being amazing.

Jill turned toward the child's scowling mother and opened her mouth. The lich hesitated, then closed it and stared out the window. Children's tears were quite valuable components for certain spells, but she figured the mother might try to get her kicked off the bus if she asked to collect them in a vial. She couldn't afford that extra hullabaloo today.

The lich distracted herself from the sadly wasted tears by pulling out her lipstick. She smeared it on her bones in the approximate places that lips should be. It was a muted, professional shade - the appropriate makeup for an interview. She had thought about wearing blush but decided that was a step too far. And she could never find foundation in her shade.

[Sleeth]

Grok

Grok was certainly disappointed, that hand would have made his life much easier, but at least the boney man was going to make this a lot faster. It was his day off, he had Grok things to do after all. "Jon, Grok requires more assistance. I require the clothing necessary for an outing! He demands loudly as he hands over a plate.

"The Greg at work says we are going 'speed dating.' I understand this is a mating ritual. The Greg says Grok wil be a wing man, for the chicks love a man who works with one that has special needs!" He continues, turning and slapping his heavy hands down towards Jonathan's shoulders, still soapy and wet. "The Jill speaks of clothes but she is busy, I require aid!"

[Dark Cloud]

Jonathan B. Jangles

^@Sleeth

---

---

Grok meant well but the wet and soapy slap dislocated Jonathan's shoulder as well as ruined the pajamas he wore, but he didn't let on as he simply popped the joint back into it's socket. At times he felt like he (Besides Grok) was the only one of his roommates who was actually trying to be less villainous.

"No worries my muscular friend," Jonathan said finishing drying off the dishes "I'll find something for you but I should tell you that Greg is just using you to get maidens for himself." with that he left to fetch Grok a suit coat and tie from his room.

[Sleeth]

Grok

Greg using Grok? Impossible, Grok couldn't be outwitted by Greg. "The Jon should come too, he is a skeleton! The Greg mentioned the act of boning, would Jon not be good?" He offers proudly, he could include his friends if he tried! The Jill is also very boney, next time Grok shall invite her!" He adds, raising a hand victoriously.

Sure, soap was now on the ceiling, but that wasn't important, soap was clean. Grok turned to drain out the remaining dishwater and wipe off his hands on the hand towel. The hand towel was then folded neatly into a crumpled up mess and put back where he found it before he awaited his skeletal roommate's return.

@Dark Cloud

[Dark Cloud]

Jonathan B. Jangles

^@Sleeth

---

---

Jonathan went to his room, got dressed and fetched a suit coat & dress pants. He sighed as he took a pair of scissors to the fabric cutting the sleeves off the suit coat and stretching the pants ruining the clothes so that it would fit Grok. Satisfied he brought the clothing to Grok "Here big guy," Jonathan said handing Grok the clothes

[Eviledd1984]

Henry Biafra

Henry was by this point in his shift was stocking some shelves, putting away some snack foods. He didn't find the need or desire to eat this junk, Most of it makes people fat and lazy. While he was stocking some soft drinks he hear some commotion going on near the cash register, Henry peering his head over from one of the shelves. He could see two thugs aiming pistols at his friend, and asking for money from the register.

This angered the gunslinger immensely, he had to take action before his friend is killed. Quietly moving towards the staff room, making sure he was not seen by the robbers. Taking out something from his coat, he casually walked over towards the register hiding what he got from his coat. "Hi Randy, do you know where this anal cream goes?" He was stopped by the thugs turning to face him, "Stop right there, don't try anything cute." One of the thugs pointed his gun at Henry. The other thug kept his gun pointed at Randy who was shaking. "Cute gun" Henry smiled reaching for his back pocket.

But before he could his body was soon riddled with bullets, blood was splattering all over the floor and onto Randy. The two thugs were quickly filling a knapsack with the cash. But before they could finish with robbing the place, Henry slowly stood up wiping some of the blood from his uniform. "Wow that felt amazing, I haven't been shot like that since the 40's." Henry looked around at the shocked face of everyone. "Oh yeah where was I before I was rudely interrupted. Pulling out a stick of TNT and a lighter, Lighting the fuse and menacing laughing at the thugs.

"Are you retarded, you wanna get us all killed?" One of the thugs asked. "You better give me those guns kiddies, before we all see the man downstairs." The fuse was quickly burning, and Henry watched as the thugs quickly surrendered their weapons to Randy. Casually placing the TNT stick on the counter, telling Randy to call the cops. "Oops silly me i forgot." Henry picked up the stick of TNT, and putting out he burning fuse with his fingers.

[Zanavy]

Jill Henderson

About ten minutes passed before the bus reached its next stop. A handful of people rushed to get off, including the mother and baby Jill had seen earlier. That was fine with her... the child's obnoxious crying was really not helping her get in the zone. A couple more people boarded the bus, seeming not to notice the lich near the back.

The driver courteously waited for a few more seconds and then the bus rolled forward. Just as the bus picked up speed, Jill spotted a man sprinting with all his might not far behind it.

Foolish mortals, Jill thought to herself. They see buses every day, they know how fast buses are, and yet they still attempt to reach them with their unaided human speed. Better to save their energy for explaining why they were too stupid to catch the bus on time.

After Jill finished her internal chastising, she was surprised to see the man still running at a breakneck pace. For a moment, their eyes met, and she caught a blaze of fury in the man's gaze. Jill froze. Did this guy know her from somewhere? Did she, like, owe him money? Or rob his relative's grave or something?

But reason won out after the moment of shock. He must be mad at the bus driver, who either didn't see him or didn't care as she turned onto the highway. Jill looked back again to see the man still trying to catch the bus but losing ground quickly as the bus sped away.