Looking for constructive criticism

[Everblight]

So in my efforts to becoming a better writer I've decided to try and write small little scenes and really concentrate on my style, composition, pacing etc etc. Below is probably one of the best pieces I've ever written, I'm not boasting as I don't believe myself to be at a particularly high level, it's good writing compared to my usual I mean. I would like some comments etc as to where I should improve though, I don't feel like I've ever been particularly good at pacing, I remember entering the WOTM competition on the old guild and someone saying that the fight scene I had written was almost perfect however in parts it's going lightning fast and then it takes me 4-5 lines to describe a falling sword. Hopefully I've done well on that as I tried to get it right this time.
Whilst this probably isn't how I would RP (It's too much effort & concentration for something I consider a fun past time) I do want to know what my best is an at least try to improve for when that RP that comes along that I really like and I want to write as best I can for it. Anyway that's pretty much it, comments welcome and try to be be somewhat nice but ultimately truthful.

---

He who would swallow God

The flame flickered around the bottom of the glass vial, boiling the trapped liquid caught inside. Violent bubbling spat small unknown droplets of the from the vials neck, as they landed on the scared wooden table they instantly began to solidify to something harder than stone. The bottle was quickly snapped up and the flame extinguished by a wet cloth. "Ahh! hot, hot, hot!" The aged man quickly tipped the glass vial to allow the fluorescent fluid to flow out and into a dented bronze bowl. "Ah, thank the gods! I caught it just in time." he armed himself with an equally beaten spoon and got to work stirring.
"Master this is the third time you've left a vial to boil, any longer it would have been yet another wasted effort." the old man turned to his would-be apprentice, spoon in hand and bowl clung close by his arm.

"Not to worry my boy! we can always make more!" He exclaimed as a smile stretched from ear to ear.
His light-hearted jest was replied by a frustrated shake of the head "That's easier said than done. Do you know how long it took me to collect the ingredients?"
Carefully placing the bowl by the window the wrinkled tutor turned to face his younger counter-part once more, "Yes, yes, yes, and I appreciate it very much! you know I do." Waving his hands in disarray he spun on the spot and landed in his chair creaking its old joints and stretching the worn leather, it had seen better days.
I...I just don't want all of this to be for nothing, I want this to be our success, the time we finally figure this out!", the young apprentice started to work his way through the piles of dirty glassware burnt through constant use.

"Have you ever heard the story of Icarus?" the old man questioned, picking himself out of the chair to offer help.
"You mean the boy who made wings?" The old man nodded to him as he swilled out a flask stained green from its previous use.
"That's the one. His wings were made of wax and feather, his only dream was to fly but in his arrogance he tried to fly higher than he should."
The younger of the two gave out a quick sarcastic laugh "You cannot fly with wax wings, much to heavy."
A old hand slapped the ignorant student across his head, "This isn't a lesson in practicality, listen to its lesson. As he flew higher his wings started to melt, the young boy had flown too close to the sun, and as a consequence he fell back to the earth. You see, his own dreams ended him." His eyes narrowed, watching his students expression intensely as he dropped the cloth he was using.

Frowning in confusion the young man piled the glass vials and beakers on a drying rack. "I don't understand the relevance."
As quickly as a hawk would swoop, the old mans fingers had grasped his neck and dunked his apprentice's head into the sink of dirtied water. Muffled screams and splashing filled the room with an unsettling atmosphere.
"You see...my young boy.." he struggled to say his words whilst holding the boy, "Ambition can kill, dreams can kill. Not by themselves, but together. When men dream..." He pressed his neck deeper trying to ignore the flailing arm that was free, "...and they have the ambition to see those dreams realized, he makes himself a threat to us, to humanity, and to me." Limbs slowly started to tire, screams dulled. "You become an example, an idol, others learn that their dreams are attainable, they stop dreaming of what they want, and start taking what they want. The room stood still for a moment. As the old man let go the boys lifeless body slumped to the floor.
"With you the system fails, with you people believe in their own power and with you! will die freedom." He walked to the window ledge and picked up the bowl of steaming fluid. Pouring it on the boys body it instantly soaked into his skin, turning it a sickly black colour. "As far as your concerned, my little Icarus, I am the sun." Kicking at his dead corpse his skin cracked and his arm fell off entirely, he began to crumble like a weak stone. "And you flew to close..."

---

It was quite fun to write to be fair. Thinking about the subject a bit more I was thinking it that the old man in the story would actually be the mythological Greek architect Daedalus, and he constantly asked for new apprentices as he eternally searched for a boy to replace his dear Icarus as his son but as none can compare he ends up killing them.
Either that or it's an old evil alchemist that tells his apprentices his secrets trying to expand their minds hoping they will be able to invent or think outside the box for some breakthrough, after which he will kill them and take their ideas for his own making him a legendary alchemist in turn gaining more apprentices.

Anyway please tell me your thoughts and at the very least I hope you enjoyed reading it.

[Robeatics]

I can't truly judge what ideas as far as plot are inherently good and what are inherently poor, but I can break out the good ol' fashioned nitpicking. Chiefly, you need to focus more on your commas and grammar. I saw a few places in which you used the wrong 'your/you're', forgot apostrophes, and made a few mistakes in sentence structure, such as in:

"Waving his hands in disarray he spun on the spot and landed in his chair creaking its old joints and stretching the worn leather, it had seen better days."

This could be a good sentence to describe the chair, but the way you wrote it sort of disrupts itself. You could rewrite it as: "Waving his hands in disarray, he spun on the spot and landed in his chair. Its joints creaked and the leather stretched. It had seen better days." This way, it feels less like a run-on sentence. That's honestly the only advice I'd offer as far as grammar other than just proofreading everything and analyzing each and every sentence to be sure that little slip-ups won't tarnish the feeling of the piece and potentially pull readers away from the immersion.

Now, onto the meat of the advice: Good writers always know that it is better to take away from a piece than to add to it. Give the reader the absolute minimum for what you want to write. It’s difficult to express, but basically you must focus on the actions, the showing, and only a little on the telling.

Let’s say I write this sentence: “The man was very old.” Poor. Don’t tell the reader someone is old. Show them. “His face hung as a tapestry of wrinkles, and he hobbled about with a knobby cane.” That’s showing.

Also be sure to avoid clichés in your writing, especially dialogue. “…as a smile stretched from ear to ear.” This is a little too much of a used phrase to really stick out in the reader’s mind. Don’t be afraid to get creative, get a little weird. Set the tone. Is the room the two of them in very dark? Is it gloomy? Is his smile disconcerting? Lopsided? Is he showing teeth? Are they rotten?

Every sentence must be worthwhile. If it does not either advance a character or advance the plot, do not write it. A lengthy list of details that do not set the scene, the mood, or add anything to the text will bore your reader and make them skim over the important parts.

The boy dying is an interesting portion. You did a good job of having it come unexpected, but there was much you could have done to make it all the more jarring. “As quickly as a hawk would swoop, the old mans fingers had grasped his neck and dunked his apprentice's head into the sink of dirtied water. Muffled screams and splashing filled the room with an unsettling atmosphere.” This, especially at the end, tells too much and shows too little. Don’t just say the room was filled with an unsettling atmosphere. A good comedian doesn’t wait for the crowd to stop laughing before shouting, “That was funny!” Show how unsettling it was. Make the boy sputter, have it echo off the walls and into the shadows.

Also important: Increase the shock for your reader. Add little ‘cushion’ to the sentence, and make the action be read as quickly as you want it to be done physically. Let’s say a man is having a gun pointed at the head of his friend. The reader is on a precipice. Will his friend die? Shock your reader. “A hand tensed, and the gun fired.” For quick actions, use quick sentences. Make them pop, make them sudden, and don’t be afraid to do so. Some of the most well-written passages I’ve ever come across use short sentences just as often as lengthy ones.

Well, that’s about all I have so far. I hope this helps. Please, if you want any more criticism, let me know the specifics of what you want my opinion on and I will help as best I can. I also suggest going on Tumblr to look at some decent writing blogs such as “fixyourwritinghabits” and “fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment”, as well as just plain looking up tips, tutorials and the like online, there’s a ton of awesome resources from some really awesome writers. Good luck!

[Jig]

Robeatics said Add little ‘cushion’ to the sentence, and make the action be read as quickly as you want it to be done physically. Let’s say a man is having a gun pointed at the head of his friend. The reader is on a precipice. Will his friend die? Shock your reader.

Definitely recommend this. Comedians keep the crucial words in their punchline to the very end so the suspense isn't broken until the end of their last sentence. Perhaps use a similar technique? I love dashes (-). They're basically always grammatically accurate, and imply an abrupt pause.

Paul was angry. He's never been so angry in all his life, not even when his sister had killed his pet rabbit out of pure spit - he punched Susan in the head.

A crude example off the top of my head, but the dash forces the reader to stop, and then continue onto a short, violent burst of a sentence.

I recommend, and this is dull advice, but looking up comma, full stop, speech mark and apostrophe usage, as well as tenses (particularly the difference between Perfect, Imperfect and Pluperfect). On the whole, you're accurate, but there are mistakes, and, where it comes to SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation & Grammar) there's only a small margin for artistic license on the far end of just being plain wrong. Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and there's no substitute for proofreading again and again and again, but if you don't know your stuff, proofreading gets you nowhere.

Try interspersing a section of dialogue with a 'stage direction' every so often - it breaks up heavy back-and-forth conversations nicely:

"You're very naughty," the teacher smacked Icarus across the chops, "Stop being a fuckwit."

The 'stage direction' gives both information about what's happening, and implies the teacher is angry - very efficient.

While Robeotics says avoid clichés, and this is good advice, I'd say it's permissible in speech. People do speak in clichés. I do. So will many characters. The narrator, unless it's written from a very personable narrator that's supposed to really come across as a proper character, should not, however.

[Everblight]

Robeatics said
I can't truly judge what ideas as far as plot are inherently good and what are inherently poor, but I can break out the good ol' fashioned nitpicking. Chiefly, you need to focus more on your commas and grammar. I saw a few places in which you used the wrong 'your/you're', forgot apostrophes, and made a few mistakes in sentence structure, such as in:"Waving his hands in disarray he spun on the spot and landed in his chair creaking its old joints and stretching the worn leather, it had seen better days."This could be a good sentence to describe the chair, but the way you wrote it sort of disrupts itself. You could rewrite it as: "Waving his hands in disarray, he spun on the spot and landed in his chair. Its joints creaked and the leather stretched. It had seen better days." This way, it feels less like a run-on sentence. That's honestly the only advice I'd offer as far as grammar other than just proofreading everything and analyzing each and every sentence to be sure that little slip-ups won't tarnish the feeling of the piece and potentially pull readers away from the immersion.Now, onto the meat of the advice: Good writers always know that it is better to take away from a piece than to add to it. Give the reader the absolute minimum for what you want to write. It’s difficult to express, but basically you must focus on the actions, the showing, and only a little on the telling.Let’s say I write this sentence: “The man was very old.” Poor. Don’t tell the reader someone is old. Show them. “His face hung as a tapestry of wrinkles, and he hobbled about with a knobby cane.” That’s showing. Also be sure to avoid clichés in your writing, especially dialogue. “…as a smile stretched from ear to ear.” This is a little too much of a used phrase to really stick out in the reader’s mind. Don’t be afraid to get creative, get a little weird. Set the tone. Is the room the two of them in very dark? Is it gloomy? Is his smile disconcerting? Lopsided? Is he showing teeth? Are they rotten? Every sentence must be worthwhile. If it does not either advance a character or advance the plot, do not write it. A lengthy list of details that do not set the scene, the mood, or add anything to the text will bore your reader and make them skim over the important parts.The boy dying is an interesting portion. You did a good job of having it come unexpected, but there was much you could have done to make it all the more jarring. “As quickly as a hawk would swoop, the old mans fingers had grasped his neck and dunked his apprentice's head into the sink of dirtied water. Muffled screams and splashing filled the room with an unsettling atmosphere.” This, especially at the end, tells too much and shows too little. Don’t just say the room was filled with an unsettling atmosphere. A good comedian doesn’t wait for the crowd to stop laughing before shouting, “That was funny!” Show how unsettling it was. Make the boy sputter, have it echo off the walls and into the shadows.Also important: Increase the shock for your reader. Add little ‘cushion’ to the sentence, and make the action be read as quickly as you want it to be done physically. Let’s say a man is having a gun pointed at the head of his friend. The reader is on a precipice. Will his friend die? Shock your reader. “A hand tensed, and the gun fired.” For quick actions, use quick sentences. Make them pop, make them sudden, and don’t be afraid to do so. Some of the most well-written passages I’ve ever come across use short sentences just as often as lengthy ones.Well, that’s about all I have so far. I hope this helps. Please, if you want any more criticism, let me know the specifics of what you want my opinion on and I will help as best I can. I also suggest going on Tumblr to look at some decent writing blogs such as “fixyourwritinghabits” and “fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment”, as well as just plain looking up tips, tutorials and the like online, there’s a ton of awesome resources from some really awesome writers. Good luck!

Thank you, awesome advice. I'll probably try to re-write it and will post it again after reading your suggestions. I like the section on helping things come unexpected and the idea you write as fast as you would do something. I know my punctuation and grammar isn't very good, I've always had problems with that but for now I'd say it takes a back seat as I'm trying to make the writing itself better, for now at least.

Jig said
Definitely recommend this. Comedians keep the crucial words in their punchline to the very end so the suspense isn't broken until the end of their last sentence. Perhaps use a similar technique? I love dashes (-). They're basically always grammatically accurate, and imply an abrupt pause.A crude example off the top of my head, but the dash forces the reader to stop, and then continue onto a short, violent burst of a sentence.I recommend, and this is dull advice, but looking up comma, full stop, speech mark and apostrophe usage, as well as tenses (particularly the difference between Perfect, Imperfect and Pluperfect). On the whole, you're accurate, but there are mistakes, and, where it comes to SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation & Grammar) there's only a small margin for artistic license on the far end of just being plain wrong. Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and there's no substitute for proofreading again and again and again, but if you don't know your stuff, proofreading gets you nowhere.Try interspersing a section of dialogue with a 'stage direction' every so often - it breaks up heavy back-and-forth conversations nicely:The 'stage direction' gives both information about what's happening, and implies the teacher is angry - very efficient.While Robeotics says avoid clichés, and this is good advice, I'd say it's permissible in speech. People do speak in clichés. I do. So will many characters. The narrator, unless it's written from a very personable narrator that's supposed to really come across as a proper character, should not, however.

Also thank you, helpful advice and the 'people speak in cliches' will be helpful I think. I do feel however that I already used the 'stage direction' idea. Let me give an example -

"You see...my young boy.." he struggled to say his words whilst holding the boy, "Ambition can kill, dreams can kill. Not by themselves, but together. When men dream..." He pressed his neck deeper trying to ignore the flailing arm that was free, "...and they have the ambition to see those dreams realized, he makes himself a threat to us, to humanity, and to me." Limbs slowly started to tire, screams dulled. "You become an example, an idol, others learn that their dreams are attainable, they stop dreaming of what they want, and start taking what they want." The room stood still for a moment. As the old man let go the boys lifeless body slumped to the floor.
"With you the system fails, with you people believe in their own power and with you! will die freedom."

I tried to divide his somewhat long speech as he was killing the boy with descriptions of his actions etc. I don't know if this was what you were getting at? If not please reiterate as I seem to have missed the point. Thank you again though also very helpful advice :)

[Everblight]

Incidentally. How would you categorize that writing? Advanced? Casual?

[Metronome]

I haven't read the passage yet because of one glaring pet peeve of mine: spacing.

It's hard for someone to read a long entry when it's all mushed together. Try putting a space in between each paragraph, one line at least.

Also formatting. Centering isn't a good way (in my opinion) to post a text post. It just makes it hard to keep up with what line you're on.

Just my input :)

[Jig]

Everblight said
Incidentally. How would you categorize that writing? Advanced? Casual?

Ahh, the difference correct SPaG makes. Currently, I'd say Casual, simply because it's peppered with small mistakes with your SPaG and the absence of useful commas. Fixing these would make it a much sleeker and more 'impressive' read.

SPaG aside, it could go either way. Honestly, the difference between Casual and Advanced is more a state of mind, in my book. It's about having a long-term commitment to the story with the intention of developing the characters and the story in detail and the patience to deal with the overall slowness. Beyond the expectation that SPaG should be correct, there isn't really a 'quality' difference between a casual-level and advanced-level post.

Everblight said I tried to divide his somewhat long speech as he was killing the boy with descriptions of his actions etc. I don't know if this was what you were getting at?

In fairness, you did do this. I'd have done it with fewer words, but you did do it.

[Everblight]

Ahh there I go getting my hopes up. Seems it wasn't so well written after all. Thanks for all your help guys :)

[Jig]

As I said, it could go either way. There really isn't an innate 'quality' difference between Casual and Advanced posts.

Sort out your SPaG and this would be Advanced-ready.