[OOC] Return to the Multiverse

[Jerkchicken]

Ehh just cuz you had ten years worth of writing stuff doesn't make you good if you're not actively seeking criticism and improving yourself. It's why you can have artists who despite having been drawing for the longest of time but still produce crappy drawings because they don't bother to improve and evolve.

[JonxlatheLion]

The story that i'm working on is just bone right now: I call it The Burning (temporary title, i'll work on another should I need to) Mstislav ( pronounced Mishkaslav) Tesar (Technically, Creator of Vengeance in russian) was raised during the cold war, by his pure-blooded russian family. He was tormented by the whole town, children and adults alike, accused of being a spy. This lead to him being outcast and even assaulted. The police did nothing, due to his nationality. The last straw was when kids poured random chemicals down his throat, which permanently scarred his wind pipe and voice box. He started obsessively studying pyrotechnics and other incendiary-related technology. When he was only twelve, he burned down his whole town. And got away with it with tears and false innocence. Another I am working on (that is mah baybee) It's split between two titles The original (Guardians) or a new one i'm thinking of (Project Divinity) Basically the plot is demon/angel half-breeds must protect humanity from planswalkers known as the Children of the Night. They are immortal souls, meaning should they die, they will reincarnate with the next generation. Well, at one point these beings begin to grow tired of being stamped and stomped on by the society the mortal humans hold, and turn into terrorists, cleaving a path of death and destruction right to the white house. Little do they know while they do this, the Children of the Night work on summoning their king.

[Earnest Evans]

Those are actually some very interesting premises. Could you post an excerpt from The Burning?

[JonxlatheLion]

i act hostile to seemingly hostile evaluation.

[Prostagma]

Writing samples. Now. This sounds amazing.

[Earnest Evans]

i act hostile to seemingly hostile evaluation.

JonxlatheLion

Criticism comes in all forms, friendly and unfriendly. The mark of a great artist is the ability to pick out the advice from what you see as hostile bullocks.

[JonxlatheLion]

as i said, it is a bone and still an idea. The only story i have work on is Guardians, but it's being rewritten due to it being... five years ago that it came from (which was during the time that i was... not so good XD) I think i can show a part of my writing skills somewhere. Here's something involving a race of mine. "This is Captain Finnand of the USS Kingland. We are on a space voyage to deliver some very precious cargo to the planet Bolin from the moon colony X-12 of Earth. We were not allowed to see this cargo, but we have been told it is currency, and should be delivered at all costs. We obliged, albeit suspiciously, and underwent way. Now we are half way done with our journey. No bumps in the road yet, but we are still on full alert." The Captain was now being led at gun point to the cargo bay. He was a huge man, seven feet tall and biceps bulging with muscle on either side of his fifty inch chest. But this size didn't help him against five armed bandits hungry for the money he was transporting. "Look, I have no idea what's in here. You might not even have use for whatever this is!" "Shut up and open the vault, deadman!" A rifle stock slams into the back of his head and he stumbles forward onto the vault door. He growls and brings a hand to the console at the side of the door. After pushing a few buttons the door opens, and the bandits almost drool in anticipation. The door slowly opens to show what was behind. A small army of furred shivering bodies was revealed in the dim light that was leaked into the vault. All six of the men looked in awe as a single one, easily ten feet tall, stood. More started to rise, and now it was obvious not all were covered in fur. Skin, scales, even feathers. "Man, this ain't no kind of money!" The captain stands as the bandits start to back away. They run back to their ship, almost tripping over some of the dead crew. Finnand looks to the huge group of refugees. "What are you!?" The first to stand turns to show glowing green eyes. They all look toward him now and speak in unison. "We are the Kindred. We are the Light. We are Salvation. We are new Life." The captain's eyes widen, their blue color being easily seen. "What in god's name did I put on this ship?"

[Prostagma]

I'm stunned. Truly amazing.

[Earnest Evans]

You seem to have a major issue with getting your tenses right. "A rifle stock slams into the back of his head and he stumbles forward onto the vault door. He growls and brings a hand to the console at the side of the door" is in present tense, when it shouldn't be. "A rifle stock slammed into the back of Finnand's head, sending him tumbling into the vault door. Growling, he brought his hand to the console at the side of the door." flows much better.

[JonxlatheLion]

One thing i can offer for 'The Burning' is this I was sitting on the other side of this man. He was built like a bull, to say the least. His hair darkened his face, and his beard made him look that much more menacing. "So, Mr. Tesar. What relation do you have to the burning of 1946?" He looks up and his face is shown, burn scars down the left side, and cracked, even bloodied, lips. In a raspy, halted voice he says "Well, that's very simple, Detective Miles." He rears over in a fit of half laughing, half coughing where with one last rear he launches blood onto the table. He quickly wipes it off with a sleeve, and says "I did it."

[JonxlatheLion]

You seem to have a major issue with getting your tenses right. "A rifle stock slams into the back of his head and he stumbles forward onto the vault door. He growls and brings a hand to the console at the side of the door" is in present tense, when it shouldn't be. "A rifle stock slammed into the back of Finnand's head, sending him tumbling into the vault door. Growling, he brought his hand to the console at the side of the door." flows much better.

Earnest Evans

yeah, i like to write in the present in most cases. I'm breaking the habit for my actual stories however (trying to)

[Jerkchicken]

I think the ultimate writing challenge would be doing a well written story written in FUTURE TENSE ONLY, SECOND PERSON ONLY, FINAL DESTINATION!

[Earnest Evans]

First problem: the cold war didn't start in 1946. The earliest people say it started was in 1947, way too late for him to have been raised during it. Another problem I see is the tone of your work. I'm guessing you have a lot of pent-up anger, and are venting it in your writings. Honestly, it's not a good idea to do that, since it will mostly just get you thinking more and more of the violence you want to perpetrate against your enemies. Instead, I suggest branching out and writing some lighter pieces. Something to brighten the mood and flex your writing chops.

[Rockin Strings]

To everyone (because i spent the last 15 minutes reading an argument) SHUP UP AND LISTEN! Jonxla, don't quit. If you want to try to play DP, play DP. If I were to bring in Danny Phantom, I wouldn't be able to play him as he is in the show. Nobody's perfect and everyone needs to understand that. Everyone has their own mindset, meaning no 2 people would be able to play a character the same. There would always be the differences between the players. Also, love the writing. Mayhaps the 2 of us could work together on a book idea. To everyone else in the argument: If someone starts to get mad, be nice. Don't do anything to hurt their feelings anymore and give ONLY constructive criticism. I'm sure Kalama would not be as blunt as I am. I am trying to help everyone here but, as I said earlier, nobody is perfect. Now, has LoZ been finished yet? Or do I have to wait longer?

[JonxlatheLion]

well, the beginning of Guardians is to explain how it is, when they're stopping the Children, they have military backup at times. Fear. I do enjoy writing lighter pieces. Just currently my main stories have a darker tone. The Burning is meant as a dark novel, Guardians is about war (so it's not going to be the prettiest story out there, but still better than The Burning) And one i'm looking into is called 'High School Never Ends' about a teenage anthro cabbit (cat mixed with rabbit, yay furries!) and his friends going through school (and their adventures and 'harmless' shenanigans along the way.) and pretty much having fun in the process. Gtg for the day, be back tomorrow

[Prostagma]

To everyone else in the argument: If someone starts to get mad, be nice. Don't do anything to hurt their feelings anymore and give ONLY constructive criticism.

RokkuHoshi

Your argument kind of falls apart when constructive criticism makes people angry as well. There's really no way one can give meaningful criticism when one is tiptoeing around feelings.

[Kalamadea]

Not sure I wanna read back based on tje last two pages. My brother being a typical teen? Jon is my brother, if you didn't know. Also, forgive any typos. Typing on a phone. EDIT: By the way, what was this character decided to be against the ethics of the RP? That's really tugging at my mind right now.

[Rockin Strings]

Not sure I wanna read back based on tje last two pages.

Kalamadea

No, you really don't.

To everyone else in the argument: If someone starts to get mad, be nice. Don't do anything to hurt their feelings anymore and give ONLY constructive criticism.

RokkuHoshi

Your argument kind of falls apart when constructive criticism makes people angry as well. There's really no way one can give meaningful criticism when one is tiptoeing around feelings.

Prostagma

Look, if something like this happens again, watch how I handle it.

[JonxlatheLion]

kalamadea, it was a character sheet for Ghost Rider.

[Zero Hex]

This character sheet has been deleted. Reason: Deemed 'against the ethics of the roleplay' by the new people.

JonxlatheLion

I'mma have to disagree. No one ever used those terms. The discussion came about because people felt Ghost Rider was not only a poor choice for what is a group-based roleplay, given his personality as a lone spirit of vengeance and that his penance stare would be useless against bosses (the only enemies you'd have reason to use it against), but also that he would be wildly mis-represented, leading to a character that would have been Ghost Rider only because it had the name and shared the powers, and those things do not a character make. It developed because, in all honesty, you failed to provide reasonable counterpoints to the arguments presented against you. Not only did you choose to take criticism as a conspiracy against you, you relied entirely on the premise of allowing a fusion of personality between character, which I have to say just defeats the point of bringing in the actual character anyway, might as well just make Joe Schmoe what got Ghost Rider's powerset on the transition. You also appealed to your own supposed seniority over other players in this roleplay as if that had anything to do with the discussion at hand, only to then threaten to quit the roleplay in a huff while saying it's "high time it died in your eyes", completely undermining any possiblepoint your previous tenure in the roleplay might've had. Was the character against the rules? Not really, not like anyone ever argued this anyway. Does that mean the character was a-okay? In my eyes and those of the people arguing against you, not really, because it wasn't actually Ghost Rider. On a personal note, this is why I choose to not play canon characters, because I know I won't get them just right and I'd rather not bastardize something I like. While resorting to personal attacks might have been uncalled for, your absolute refusal to accept that this might not have been the best idea didn't exactly endear you to others, and the little quip about original characters was mean, but I support roleplayers making their own characters even if they're obvious ripoffs/tributes/clones over taking someone else's work and messing it up.