[OOC] Heroes of Beacon - the Next Chapter

[Abillioncats]

@Prince of Seraphs I like those ideas.

[Write]

@Prince of Seraphs

It's coming along nicely, I expect to be done midday tomorrow.

[Crimmy]

My D&D experiences:

In one campaign, in my first session, I soloed the night's encounter in about 10ish minutes. Needless to say my next few sessions had everyone trying to prevent me from getting all the experience and gold again.

In another campaign I started by playing a game of five finger filet with one of the other rogues. Still amazed neither of us lost a hand.

@Onarax

Unless I'm misremembering, the other guy's hand was a ghost. You couldn't have lost that even if you tried.

[shadowkiller912]

New episode of RWBY reveals huge information and other than that, another great episode.

@Kaithas

How long are you planning your contest?

[Forsythe]

RWBY? Screw that, Gochiusa S2E8 is out!

[Write]

Alrighty, just finished my reviews I'm just gonna proof read and perform any necessary edits and then we'll be done with this contest! Honestly gotta say, the quality of each contest entry was really high, so everyone deserves a huge pat on the back.

[Write]

And with that the results are up! Please don't murder me I love you all/have a family/please.

Edit: Also please, if you don't feel I went into depth enough about my feedback let me know and I can go into further detail!

[Suku]

sorry couldn't post yesterday wind knocked out internet connection will get one up later today once im off work.

[Kaithas]

Just running my idea past Lug, then the next contest starts.

[chukklehed]

I was told to drop in and say hi... so...

*says nothing*

[Guess Who]

@Write Dang it. Lost again. Anyway, just felt that I should explain the reason he was so casual about dying was because he felt he was ready and knew he'd be seeing all those lost loved ones soon. That's, at least, what I was attempting to do. Obviously didn't succeed in doing that. Definitely going to try and improve on the "showing not telling" suggestion you made and keep that in mind for future entries. Thank you for the advice.

[Write]

@Guess Who

I get that, but all the same, showing some self-doubt or something along those lines would've also been complimentary. Of course, I look forward to reading whatever you make next!

[Lady Seraphina]

Prince of Seraphs – Paid in Blood

- Music included was touching, and it worked well, though I didn't love that it was a collection of pieces, small complaint though.

- I would say that this pieces greatest strength right up until time freezes is its pace. The way you handled each piece of new information you threw at me was well thought out and skillful so I commend you on that.

- You actually made me forget, for about thirty seconds, that Sapphire was going to die. So well done on that.

- Now one small nitpicking kind of issue I had with it, knowing how drowning works, I’m pretty sure the body couldn’t suffocate itself to death even if it thought it was drowning. I say this because typically speaking humans don’t die of suffocation when they dry drown or wet drown. So there’s that, but I didn’t really have a problem with this. It’s RWBY not science.

- The idea of an execution is original, and the idea that she wants to end the cycle of violence and be a martyr was somewhat less so. I liked the idea all the same, but as soon as time froze I knew and there was a suggestion of escape, I felt like I knew exactly what was going to happen.

- I like the way you handled the side characters in this story, be it Sapphire’s team, her family, or Nathaniel Rakim. You gave each one the amount of attention they warranted and that felt really good. Most issues I have with this story are nitpicky to say the least.

- "'This will never end and it has to. I don't want die,' her breathe came in uneven gasps as she spoke those last words 'but I don't want you to die because of me. This will keep you safe.'" This segment as important as it was felt confusing and awkwardly worded. I didn’t really understand why Sapphire thought Rakim would just stop killing hunters after her. But alas, the word count is ever present and whatnot.

- All in all, I know you struggled with the word count and I think you rose to the challenge rather well. Congratulations on another great entry.

@Write

Mildly offended that I didn't get a favorite quote.

Regarding the music, I essentially typed melancholy music into YouTube and after sorting through a dozen pieces found this one. I played it as I was reading my entree and thought it worked well. Then I listened to an extra three or four minutes of it cause I wasn't sure how fast you read. All in all I only listened to the first ten minutes or so, right up till the point were there was whispered talking in the background. I didn't hear the entire thing so if there were problems with it after that my apologies.

Perhaps I worded it badly but the idea was that Sapphire's perception semblance had advanced to the point where she could control a person's entire reality if she had time, contact and could keep her focus and could kill a person in this manner. It might have been better to say she'd made him so fearful that his heart stopped or she made him think he was in a vacuum so he stopped breathing but it was what it was. How he died was not as important as the fact that Sapphire killed him with Aura.

I realize that the idea of Sapphire having the chance to escape and choosing not to cause she believed her death would serve some purpose isn't exactly original but I thought it gave more meaning to it than if she'd simply been executed for a crime she committed. Perhaps it would have been better if her family had come to her in the last moments before her execution to say goodbye (some sort of astral projection semblance) and she'd had to reassure them that there was nothing they could do but I thought this would hit the emotional soft spot harder.

With regards to why she was willing to die I think I failed to make this clear (could have been fixed if I'd had another five hundred words, just saying) but it wasn't that Sapphire believed that her death would somehow stop Rakim's vendetta, it was that she believed if she died it would keep her family out of there cross hairs. Cecily's semblance is the ability to recall anything she sees in perfect detail, she's an artist so it comes in handy. It's not widely known that Cecily has an active aura so she's not in the public's eye, Demetra and Janus are both registered but they are in this time paragons of the hunter community, Rakim doesn't have anything even remotely to accuse them with. If Sapphire had escaped with them the rest of the Rode family would be the first people that Rakim looked into and even if they had nothing to do with it her escape would have given him enough probable cause to tear her entire family apart and quite possibly have them executed as well.

Also this didn't get mentioned in the story but Demetra has a one year old child who Sapphire knew would have suffered without a mother should Rakim target the rest of the Rode family.

There were some elements that I was forced to omit due to the word limit. Originally I had planned to have Sapphire's brother present as well, he having been found some five years earlier. Sapphire was also supposed to have a son that came to the prison (I believe you met him in a previous entree: Demetri Rode). I had wanted to expand a little on how Janus' life had changed and how he was a better man and a better father then when Sapphire was little (would have made the moment when Sapphire said "I forgive you" more impactful).

As a last little thing, Demetra's semblance is that she is empathic, she is able to sense and feel the emotions of all those around her (at present day it's uncontrolled and she has a lot of issues related to it) in this future time however this power has evolved to include the ability to absorb the emotions of others, strengthing herself. I wanted a moment at the end where Sapphire reaches out her hand to her baby sister and says "please". They both know what she wants and even though Sapphire knows how much it pains Demetra every time she takes something from someone else she asks anyways. Demetra touches her hand and drains her fear of dying so she can go to rest in peace.

I really wanted that moment in there but it was about a hundred words and everything else was absolutely necessary to the story.

As an aside if I got this right, Abillioncats and Krayzikk for first, both getting second place credits. I won third and Crimmy won forth. Did I get that right?

[Write]

@Prince of Seraphs

Firstly, the quote must've got lost in editing because it's in my word document and has been added into the post, my apologies on that.

Secondly, That's perfectly fine, again all of the gripes I mentioned were minor, in fact I quite liked your entry and from reading your response here, you chose well what to keep and what to omit.

Lastly, I completely understand having to omit certain parts, thus was why this challenge can be absolutely grueling.

The aside, not quite actually no. Abillioncats and Krayzikk tied for third place, you were given second place and Crimmy first. Sorry if that was unclear I'll look into that as well.

With nine entries, I'm pretty sure a tie for third should be allowed, or am I mistaken? If so, I'll deliberate more and make a decision.

EDIT: On closer examination, maybe you missed the segment of my post at the very bottom? It pretty clearly states the places everyone achieved and whatnot.

[Forsythe]

Fun fact: Diamond died young and never seeing her child grow up, and yet it's still the happiest ending I've written for her so far. Tis been an interesting challenge I put on myself to write a death scene without an actual death scene being in there, but it kinda worked for me. I think I'll employ different approaches like this more often.

[Lady Seraphina]

@Write

I missed the word "third" when I was reading. I happens sometimes when I read things quickly. So the final paragraph read:

"Without further ado, our place entries are thusly... Two people! A tie between the lovely @Abillioncats and @Krayzikk,"

Reading it like that there wasn't anything to indicate if you'd started with first place or third. My bad.

Also regarding the quote I made a couple of spelling mistakes. It should read:

"Sapphire's usual clothes were also gone along with the bracelets that used to hold her most treasured weapons."

Instead of what is there right now.

[Write]

@Prince of Seraphs

Yeah I get that, no worries.

Understandable, but what's done is done and honestly deciding between your entry and Crimmy's came down to many marginal differences so you should feel proud!

[Plank Sinatra]

don't you two place in like every single contest anyway? i don't think you're exactly dry on credits dude

[HereComesTheSnow]

They just mad they aren't gud enough to speedrun

[Abillioncats]

Crimmy has enough credits for like two subplots haaaaa