RPGC #1 Conversation Thread

[Kirah]

@PlatinumSkink I'm impressed, and thank you for the review! No offense taken here.

[mdk]

Alright, so I’m starting my reviews from the end and working backwards – other staffers are working on the rest just to make sure we collectively get to everyone (though I’m hoping to get everyone myself as well). My first review is Never Forget, and it’s crazy long – now look, people, do yourself a favor. If you can’t find time to write a full review for ‘Never Forget,’ find time to read it. For reals man. Don’t miss this. I was gonna wait until I had more reviews done and post several at once, but this ballooned and honestly I’m like…. Emotionally compromised after finishing this story, and I need a clean slate before I keep going. So here’s Never Forget in silly MDK review mode. I repeat – READ THIS STORY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Read all the entries, but I know, this one is super long and you’re busy. READ IT. For real.

Never Forget

Since you went all-out, I wanted to make sure you got my best effort, and I hit yours first. I’m gonna leave thoughts on each section as I read through carefully for first-impression, on-the-go type commentary (which is different), and then do like a more formal wrap-up. I expect that whatever I’m thinking at the beginning will probably change as I go, so that’s why it may look a bit flighty – take it for what it’s worth (some idiot on the web trying to be helpful, nothing more)

Newy Wizna

Heckuva start. I’m not crazy about the first paragraph – leaving the battle to the last line doesn’t *quite* work for me. I’d start with some battle chaos and then notice the stars, – but it’s just style really. Setting the peaceful scene and then shattering it is fine; I’d be going for pure reader shock value right off the opening sentence. But if this starts a little slow, it doesn’t stay slow for long; fantastic characterization in a tough setting for that kind of thing. I might even bring Rudolph into it earlier (maybe he’s the one looking up at the stars? Dunno), just to drive that home a little harder. It’s great stuff, roll with it, right? Anyway I wasn’t 100% hooked until about three sentences into your novella, criminal right? This is great. Solid action, solid conflict, solid characters, well written…. What’s there to say?

Hoffnung Ghetto

Stupid picky detail – “shipped off in ships” is a rare miss here. Maybe “packed off” or “carried off” or something. Same thing with Lev Haskel’s sister Sarah Haskel – just Sarah would be fine. Little run-on at “Lev was surprised at the Terran,” make it a period and you’re set – maybe again in the same paragraph a bit later, I’ll shut up, just watch for those. Last nitpick, “Wasn’t either” could probably be “was neither,” up to you. Okay, enough of that. Again, great character growth and conflict (maybe show a little more reaction to the Haskels splitting up?). Besides the just-a-bit-little-sloppy syntax this is basically pro.

Terran High Command

There’s a little bit more run-on here, so instead of highlighting each one I’ll simply say look for commas that could be periods and make them periods. About halfway through when Admiral Norbert reports “They have surrendered,” it reads like his own fleets have surrendered (which is okay for him to be unclear, but that should spark a reaction). Last style point, if Kevra’s closing is meant to be snappy (I think it is, it totally works that way), you could do without “Said Kevra.” Just ‘Dismissed. She turned the lights on with a snap,’ or something like that. And we could *possibly* do without the Navy at this moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to come up later, so I could be wrong there. Again – I’m starting to feel like a broken record, but you have *SERIOUSLY* got characterization down to a science. I’m in these people’s heads. Great scene.

Newy Wizna (2)

I think you could clean up the first paragraph a bit, because some of it sorta repeats a little, but no big deal. There’s some social commentary in the middle while Rudolf is talking – it’s obviously spot-on and worth saying, but it just feels a little out-of-place in an otherwise POV context. Trying to work it in consistently with a proto-german soldier’s perspective is going to be a real challenge – I hate to say ‘cut it out,’ but maybe find a way to just imply the irony? If we all know the historical context, then simply letting Rudolph fervently believe all this bullcrap and fully buy-in to the propaganda might be enough to get the point across. Moving on…. You handled General Wini’s age and introduction very nicely. More great development across the board throughout. I’m loving this. But periods, man, use more periods!

Nova Terra

The introduction is again a little messy, but it gets the job done. Screw Terrans. Lev comes into it a little awkwardly, which is cool, but I think I’d use his perspective right from the start. I care less about how Murtadans in general are feeling about Auschwitz – I care a lot, lot more how Lev is feeling. That’s the human story, and so far you’ve been fantastic on the human elements, so stick with more of that. A bit later, “Just an IT guy at a small little company” feels like madly out of place in this setting – programmer, cybersecurity, something specialized and less…. Idunno, it’s almost anachronistic. Like he’s a space cobbler. Ugh, sidetracked by details again, okay…… “walking into literal hell” is kinda clunky but it does get the point across pretty well. This place is *brutal* and you’re doing it justice. The pacing, the dialogue, the deMurtadanization of it all….. if the reader isn’t feeling it right now there’s something wrong with the reader.

Newy Warszawa

See THIS is how I wanted the first scene to start! Awesome. The standoff between Rudolph and the Zarminian assailant drags just a bit, but otherwise the pacing is great. Down a few lines, Rudolph is running past “rare” windows – which is a little ambiguous, like maybe the windows are expensive, or are there not a lot of windows? Later on as he’s getting in touch with the evac fleet, there’s some passive-voice action mixed in (like for example, “there was banging on the doors with one of them lighting up…” We want PUNCHY! We want sparks and fire and shit to HAPPEN, not to ‘be happening.’ The pacing of this whole scene is absolutely perfect right up until the five-hour wait – that’s written as a super harrowing experience, but we’re only looking at it for like a second before it’s over. Pretty much from ’12 Terran Army out!’ to the end of the scene just feels rushed (which is understandable, considering the length and the deadline, but there’s time now -- maybe give it another rewrite before you file it away). If I’m complaining a lot, don’t let that detract from how thrilling this whole episode was. Lots happening for Rudolph, too, which you know I love.

Terran High Command (2)

Fantastic all around, no complaints at all. OH! Wait, I got one. I’m not usually a thesaurus guy, but when I’m desperate for faults…. “the others backed away in fear” could maybe be “RECOILED in fear” or something like that – backed away is sorta tame.

Nova Terra (2)

Okay, so see how this one starts out with a dude shouting at Lev? That’s perfect. That’s pretty much what I want in all the other sections where I whined about not associating the POV character faster. Do it like that and you’re set. Flawless scene (couple more period-commas, but I’ve harped enough). This is awesome.

Nova Terra (3)

Another perfect scene, but I’ve got one question. Alexander ‘returns to the action’ at the end – is he fighting for the terrans, or for the liberating Perseans? I’m totally clear on where he stands about the genocide(s), but I’m a little foggy on what his actual physical role is in the story, other than a rare sane friend wearing the wrong shirt.

Earth

This is General Wini, right? I’d drop his name either way. And then I was gonna talk about other stuff that you were writing but damn it I couldn’t pull my attention away from the story, so it must have been pretty goddamn good! WHY RUDOLF?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LET ME KEEP RUDOLPH?!?

Earth (2)

tears

Notes

That does clear up a bit on Alexander – I’m with you, I wanted to see more of him. But you might need to add a whole extra Murtadan perspective to the entire story to really get a chance to see him more than twice, and that’s certainly not realistic for the constraints you had. But hey – if you do more with this (I think you should), maybe explore him some more. He’s a fascinating character with too little to do in the script.

OVERALL

Dude….. okay, granted, this is the first piece I’m formally critique-reading in the contest. Granted, there is a metric assload of really, actually excellent work in this contest (and even some that I had to pull down so the author could pursue actual writing career growth opportunities). Granted, there have been scores of contests and hundreds of entries written over RPG’s long history of writing. Granted, I read stuff on other sites that’s cool and thought-provoking and massively popular (and written by people just like RPG). This is the best amateur fiction I have ever read, and I’ll just roll my own stories in there for the hell of it (even though that hurts me a little inside). I don’t want to oversell you here, but then, I’m not sure that I could. This is me speechless (it counts, typing isn’t speaking). I did what I could for (checks) four pages in Word to try and help, but uh….. dude. DUUUUUUUUUUUDE. You’ve got it. Whatever it is, you’ve got it. For the love of god, please write more. I don’t know what else to say. Enough mdk chatter. This is special and I hope you feel incredible about it.

[Keyguyperson]

I’m like…. Emotionally compromised after finishing this story

@mdk

When I remembered what Kevra's name meant I just laid my head down on my desk and cried.

Anyways, thanks so much for you review!

I do have to say, my obsession with commas is so, so bad. You see, I generally don't like short sentences unless the point of them being short is to be jarring (Like in that one conversation that was nothing but "__, Sir! *Question* __, Sir!"). As such, I apply commas liberally everywhere ever. Including places where colons, semicolons, periods, parentheses, and hyphens should go. This time, I managed to cut down on hyphen and parentheses commas, but my brain still screams in protest when I write a sentence that doesn't include at least one comma.

I also used incorrect quotation... etiquette? I have no idea what it's called. Which tells you how I feel about it.

But THANK YOU so much for telling me how you felt about my characters! When I'm really into the story, I can put myself in my character's shoes, something which I always thought made me write better. However, I never actually had anyone comment on my characters being good or bad. So it's nice to know that being able to temporarily become my character is actually useful.

-snip

@PlatinumSkink

And thanks for yours!

I honestly thought that sci-fi WW2 was somewhat common, but maybe that's just because I'm the kind of person that constantly draws similarities between WW2 and sci-fi things that involve, you know, weapons in general.

I must say, I did actually consider publishing this. However, I decided that entering a contest on a roleplay forum is probably something I wanted to do before becoming a published author.

I'll try to write some reviews, but I'll be busy doing nothing. Since I got about five to four hours of sleep while writing this, I want to relax before doing anything ever again.

[mdk]

snip

@Keyguyperson

psst we're supposed to pay lip-service to anonymity, lol. Well this one was no secret, based on the other thread, so no big deal at all in your case. If anyone else is holding off on commenting because they don't wanna give their story away -- really, it's okay, it's not a huge deal to me or anybody else on the staff, we just don't want the popular vote to turn into a popularity contest. I'd much rather have your reviews, and if that means giving yourself up then so be it, it's really okay.

[Syben]

Reviews

Disclaimer

I will be using the idea that RomanAria brought concerning the six points of writing, with my own interpretation.

"
• Ideas: Themes and the like. Supporting details. Did they paint a picture in my mind?
• Organization: Did your story flow well? it's less concrete here than it is in English class, obviously, but, the main question is: Were the ideas enhanced or inhibited by the organization of the story?
• Voice: Was the narration of your story consistent? Did it seem realistic, or like a robot talking in monotone?
• Word Choice: How did your words enhance the story? Did they help to paint a picture in my head?
• Sentence Fluency: Self-explanatory. Did your story or poem flow well?
• Conventions: This one is a biggie. I find grammatical errors, when not used for effect, to absolutely irritate me."

@RomanAria

Terms and Conditions

Terms and Conditions: I tend to speak(write) very abrasively, I say what I mean and mean what I say. This however, does not convey any intentions to be offensive, or deter anyone from writing ever again. Additionally, these are just my personal views, and not everybody will agree with me. Not to be hypocritical, but there are a lot of reviews to write entries for; my writing may not be up to my own standards. I do not give the most constructive feedback, as these are just my personal opinions. However, by pointing out opinionated flaws that I see, I hope so somehow help you to help yourself. Finally, I can be pretty harsh, continue no further unless you have thick skin.

TEMPLATE

[hider=]
[list]
[*][color=ed1c24]Theme:[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Organization:[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Voice:[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Word Choice[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Sentence Fluency:[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Conventions:[/color]
[*][color=ed1c24]Overall:[/color]
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I accept the Terms and Conditions

Homesick

• Theme: I believe you hit the theme on point, very up to par with your choice of song.
• Organization: I did not notice any formal poetic structure, so I'm inclined to classify this as a free verse, and I need not critique that.
• Voice: The poetic voice here does not spark any strong emotion in myself, yet there are some tender emotions conveyed through the manner in which they have been written. Soft hearted, yes; powerful, no.
• Word Choice The simplicity of the words used in the poem is very appropriate to me; You never want to use words that make us think too hard on their actual meaning, and distract us from the poem.
• Sentence Fluency: I read this more as a song, than a poem, but that's probably just my issue with free verse. I like rhymes. However, I find it quite good, and I am able to flow from beginning to end quite nicely.
• Conventions: Here is where I am having my biggest problems. Everytime I notice something like a misplaced comma, the wrong use of "your", or oddities such as "..an make you smile, everyday for you.." I find myself stopping, which breaks the fluidity of the poem.
• Overall: I'm not the biggest poetry buff, but I felt this was rather good and free of too many errors. Could use a bit of mechanical improvement.

Still Waiting

• Theme: Compared to the song the underlying tones of sadness, and a few things used directly from the lyrics, were appropriate. However, the "lover waiting for the soldier," is a heavily repeated theme, and I don't feel any uniqueness about the story. The end, was very predictable.
• Organization: The narrative kinds of jumps all over the place, as if you are just trying really hard to fill the page rather than bring it into focus. We jump from memories, to the present world, and back and forth. It kind of felt like a stone skipping across the water, and every time it landed there would be something new.
• Voice: If you were going for helplessly love struck then you nailed it. I do feel some areas are a tad lacking, but for the most part, I found the character's narrative to be quite good.
• Word Choice The very first sentence I read uses shone, which doesn't seem proper to me. Taking a narrative, I feel, should use present tense. Especially coupled with other present tense words in the same narrative, like gleaming. It makes it sounds as if the moon had shone upon the clouds, and the stars for some reason were just now beginning to shine. If the latter is the case, why? The second paragraph also brings up the moon, and clouds; because these use present tense they are separated from the past tense of her daydream. Unless that was intended, which leads me to wonder why they had to be brought up again?
  
  There are also some missing words, "..At first draft had been two years..." What? "It gets a bit colder, and I shiver." What does? The weather, the chair, a breeze; I thought it was a balmy summer night. In fact, it is restated that this is indeed, a balmy night.
  
  Using "Finally" after listing off the "Traces of Alfie" concludes that there are no other traces of Alfie in the home. You used "Alfie" 24 times, I feel using "him" more than twice would have been aptly appropriate.
• Sentence Fluency: The story switches from past tense to present tense rather often, and even in the same sentence. This kind of ruined the fluidity for me. Personally, I feel some things didn't need describing. Like the sunflowers at the noon hour; that's painting a single image in my mind with absolutely nothing to back it up.
  
  There are also multitudes of vague details, which I would have very much liked to have had expanded. What does Alfie look like, he's just hair, eyes, and then what? Pretty dress, But what does the main character look like? Is she 12, 20, or 96? What War? Is this the narrative of an old woman? a young, crossdressing male? The female is intended, but being pro LGBT I feel a lack of identifiers.
  
  Why does she need a blanket for warmth? I thought it was balmy? "..swallowed up by shadows.." implies a heavy darkness; The very next sentence it's almost dawn. Also, is there a difference between almost dawn, and almost morning? Almost morning, but the next sentence she whispers to the smiling sun, so then it is morning?
• Conventions: A missing comma here or there, overuse of commas creating a few run-on sentences, and I think I saw an inappropriate semicolon at one point. However, it's not so bad as to actually distract from the story itself.
• Overall: I feel there was a lot that could be improved on this piece, so to me it's a good idea, just inadequately executed.

Go West

• Theme: Overall, I liked the idea of it, very fitting for the song chosen.
• Organization: Here, also, I find lacking. There's no pacing. That being said, the lead was enough to grab my interest, and the conclusion was fitting.
• Voice: From what's given, It's very hard to determine the personality of the character, or even the gender.
• Word Choice The descriptions, albeit few, were pleasant, and short. As for the rest of it, there are many areas that are hugely lacking. I have no real idea on how anything looks, or what the mood is. Why did the character get kicked out?
• Sentence Fluency: The entire piece feels choppy, and rushed. This is due mostly to the enormous lack of details and descriptions.
• Conventions: There are end quotations behind the period in one of the later sentences. There are also a lack of commas that would really help sentence fluidity. Finally, the use of apostrophes are incorrect to isolate a word, as far as I am concerned. I feel quotations would have been better suited.
• Overall: I feel it heavily lacking on some elements, which kept me from fully enjoying this piece.

It Watches

• Theme:Just so you are aware, I am a fan of Periphery. However, I will not do you the injustice of a parallel comparison to your song choice; the theme you have is appropriate, if lacking the same kind of emotional depth.
• Organization: Structurally, this is free verse, and I cannot critique that. However, I do not feel there is a definite focus here.
• Voice: This feels like one of those "exaggerated passion" poetic pieces. However, the narration does convey the feeling of being cynical, poetically aggressive, and "doom prophet." It could have definitely been better, but it has the right vibes.
• Word Choice There were a lot of other words that could have been used here. Personally, I feel that the word choices blurs the image that you are trying to create. Honestly, I found some lines downright confusing, much too vague, or thematically misplaced.
• Sentence Fluency: For the life of me, I could not get a good rhythm down. This feels like one of those free verses where the narrator is in all black, reading to the beat of a hand drum. I even tried it in song form, but I could not get a good flow down.
• Conventions: For the most part, no mechanical errors jumped out at me. The way you use some things is, odd, but not wrong, or even bad in most cases.
• Overall: As stated, I am not the biggest poetry buff. However, despite what I've said I did not feel it was all that bad. A little odd, and a little confusing. But not bad.

Perfect Day

• Theme: The theme is actually quite brilliantly done with your song choice. It is the exact opposite of the song itself; yet it is the same if you think about it in regards that Eric's perfect day is with heroin. Well played, well played.
• Organization: The structure of the piece is well done, I feel there is room for a couple of extra explanatory paragraphs though.
• Voice: The character's voice is well done, I definitely get the feelings of desperation and addiction from him.
• Word Choice "..cracked alike the needle.." The word here should be "like". "Things had been so bad recently that this seemed like the option, but then again had they been?" A missing comma, but more importantly I believe the word "only" is missing.
  
  I would have liked a little expansion on the process of him getting clean, as it is quite an important step in the story to me.
  
  Also a better description on his suicide attempt would make the piece stronger, and provide more emotional depth and attachment.
• Sentence Fluency: I had no trouble reading this, other than stopping to take notes on a few points here and there. All around it flowed well, and did not distract from the main purpose of the piece.
• Conventions: Could use a few commas, especially before conjunctions.
  
  Semicolons should be used to link to separate thoughts that relate to each other to avoid overuse of commas. Example: "He was healthy in the picture, muscular; his ex-girlfriend was side by side with him(,) kissing him as they stood in front of their newly built and bought house. Breakdown: Principle, description of principle; relating to first principle, description of related principle. I also added the missing comma, highlighted in red.
• Overall: Overall, I can relate to this piece on an extremely personal level. I had a close family member who had addictions, and I must say you are pretty spot on with your story telling and description. I've enjoyed this piece the most so far, but I do have many to go.

No Place I'd Rather Be

I will not be reviewing this, and honestly I am surprised to find such a piece on here. I understand this is "Inspired by a Song", however, this is practically plagiarism. It almost follows the song step for step, with some minor additions, changes, and rearrangements. In fact, I was able to listen to the song, while reading your piece. That's how close they are.

Honestly, I am severly disappointed by this submission.

Novocain

• Theme: You took the theme of two lovers and gave it an LGBT theme, which is awesome. Go you.
• Organization: As it is free verse, I cannot quite rightly critique the structure, but from beginning to end it is ordered well.
• Voice: The voice is powerful, and conveys to me the feelings of justice for those inclined to same gender love. I also get the vibe of disgust at the implied audience, but also the desire to defend their actions. The voice was very well done.
• Word Choice Honestly, I felt the words used here were very appropriate. I actually cannot come up with any better usages, so I applaud you.
• Sentence Fluency: The rhythm was a bit off, when played along side the song. When trying to match the rhythm of a song, keeping the same pattern of syllables is a task. That being said, when "Imagining" the music, while reading this, my mind adapted it into a decent flow.
• Conventions: I understand it is poetry, but there is a lot of missing punctuation.
• Overall: I definitely enjoyed this poem the best so far. I did this session twice, to ensure that I was not being biased as I am pro LGBT. If it feels like a biased opinion then I apologize, I did my best to avoid such.

Sky Full of Stars

• Theme: I do enjoy myself some Coldplay, and the idea of this piece is quite good. However, you leave a lot of questions unanswered and there are a lot of vague, or missing, details.
• Organization: Your lead sentence is never explain, why is it so odd for the night to be clear? Your concluding cameo though, was a nice bit.
• Voice: The voice is one of the things I did enjoy about this piece. Even though it's told through a narrative, her manner of speech and the way she acts seem quite appropriate for her age. The reassuring father was also well portrayed.
• Word Choice The biggest problem I have with this piece, is that I have absolutely no idea what anybody looks like. The setting and the mood are almost non-existent, other than a balcony and an odd clear sky full of stars.
  
  " One… two… three! She grabbed her notebook, and flipped to a grid page." Why is she counting?
  
  It is not clarified who "pops" refers to. I assumed this was her childish way of addressing her father, until she actually says "Dad". I am unaware if "Pops" is a grandfather, a nickname, or her second father?
  
  Alright so Tategami is Pops? I still don't know who exactly this person is in relation to the main character, which is unfortunate because this Tategami seems like a driving force in the story.
  
  Misplaced, or missing, word(s), "..with a smile and come hot cocoa." He watches her "expressions" but the related description to that principle gives detail to only one.
• Sentence Fluency: The fluency of the piece was wonderful, there were no skips, hops, or jumps around the narrative. I felt it flowed easily.
• Conventions: Immediately I notice the misplaced hyphen. Hyphens are used to glue two words together, not convey a related thought to the state principle. Example: "She had bigger fish to fry - so to speak." If you put spaces around a hyphen, it's grammatically incorrect already. Using a comma or a period is far more appropriate. This happens again, "..her expressions - a bit confused at her sad-ish look." A dash on the other hand, is commonly used to put emphasis on a certain phrase. Such as "I pay all of the bills—She has all the fun."
  
  A dash is created by using alt+0151 (numeric keys on the right hand side). Hyphen, "-". Dash, "—" A minute difference yes, but to avoid the complicated nature of making a dash, a double hyphen is often used in place of a dash.
  
  Additionally "ish" is used to form an adjectives, were "sad" is already an adjective. However, "ish" is used without the hyphen, and typically acts as a suffix to a noun to imply the qualities, or characteristics of. Things like "apish", "Girlish", And so forth.
  
  A handful missing capitalization and commas. Periods misplaced, a comma would have been better suited. Some Missing Punctuation altogether.
• Overall: A good idea, but I feel it was heavily lacking some much needed detail.

Smoke and Mirrors

• Theme: Well done, the song and the poem fit very well together.
• Organization: Almost thought it was a haiku, almost. Marking this as free verse.
• Voice: The voice here feels a bit mentally unstable, hiding behind a facade, trying to cast away the pain of being himself.
• Word Choice The rhyme scheme was refreshing, and I all of the words feel quite appropriate.
• Sentence Fluency: The syllable scheme makes the poem flow quite nicely, almost as if it weren't a free verse.
• Conventions: Since you did not use any punctuation at the end of the stanzas, it's not needed. The use of commas in the middle of a line however, adds a decent effect of dramatic pause.
• Overall: Very much enjoyed this poem. Well done.

Cops and Robbers

• Theme: I have trouble believing he joined as a medic to "deal justice" and "attain glory"; was medic his only way in? I also have trouble believing that it took only a few questions for the rebels to trust one of their enemies; at least not without further explanation. As I am reading I notice one of the gates is secured by a "simple lock mechanism" which to me screams trap, I thought this was a highly secured base? However, the general theme of piece is quite fitting.
• Organization: Your lead in was adequate, but your conclusion was highly effective. The sequencing is a little difficult to follow, as italics don't make a substantial difference from normal text; but once I got the hang of it I didn't really get hung up on it anymore. I also feel it was paced pretty well, not too fast, not too slow.
• Voice: The narrative, well, felt that way. It was a little bland at points. However, the dialogue was well done, however sparse. The flashbacks were probably the parts I enjoyed the most, and the conclusion. I feel these were the focus of your story, rather than the infiltration itself.
• Word Choice Some missing words; "..other jobs in the rebellion that need done." Saying "The base was bigger" refers to a specific base, you should have put "This" to infer that it was unlike other bases Max had been to.
  
  I would have like to see some extra information. How did he find out about these dark secrets? How did he manage to escape? Why does he dislike Harrison? You also mention "Ashe" before explaining who he is, or what his significance is.
  
  When you use pronouns, they reference the last identifier used, in this case, Ashe. Example: "He (referencing Max) disliked Harrison, the communicator for this mission. So had Ashe. But he (referencing Ashe) would have to deal with it." This is problematic and confusing for the story.
  
  "The gate was unlocked" ... so.. did they unlock it?.. or was it open? How did they know where the captives were? Also, technically, you never told us if the alarm had actually gone off or not, only that it "would be". Harrison can track their movement in such a secure base? How is this done.
• Sentence Fluency: It does jump back and forth a lot between present and past, but that's the intention of the piece, so well done. It doesn't feel choppy, or rushed, and the story is conveyed well for the most part.
• Conventions: More commas to link similar principles together. Use the three dots "..." for dramatic pause in place of a common, otherwise it's word repetition. IE: "He had been running... running from the force he had once been a part of."
• Overall: I actually enjoyed the romance side of this story, and the conclusion. The other areas were a bit lacking in my humble opinion. Overall, not bad.

Shades of White and Black

• Theme: From what I gather, very fitting.
• Organization: You broke your lead in sentence with a period, when you should have used a comma to keep the integrity of that particular thought.
• Voice: Superb.
• Word Choice I already see that some semicolons could have been put to good use here. Stated Principle, follow up; related to principle, follow up. Example: "But sometimes, actually, a lot of the time as well; I get so caught up with how tough my life is, that I forget about the fact that life is tough for all of us."
  
  Normally I'd want to see some details on certain things, like what exactly is her food salary, where does it come from? However, I feel this would distract from the main principle of that particular section.
  
  Minor error: You use "a young women" instead of "woman".
• Sentence Fluency:There are a lot of run-on sentences, which could be fixed with periods or semicolons.
• Conventions: A few things here and there, but really well done.
• Overall: This piece really spoke to me. There's a strong emotional connection that you make, and personally, I can relate to the character strongly. Fantastically done.

Little Me

• Theme: Very good.
• Organization: The lead in was a bit slow, but I did like the conclusion. The end wasn't really powerful, or dramatic, but it did leave off on a triumphant note. (She seems to take the whole time traveling, parallel dimension paradox thing very well though~Hm.)
• Voice: The voice was powerful, and very well done.
• Word Choice "Roared" already implies loudness, so "aloud" is redundant. "I had become used to simple allowing things to.." doesn't make any sense, I feel there are some missing words? "But now... as my best years had ended," Also doesn't fit well. "As my" implies the thing is current, "ended" implies that it has past already. Something more appropriate would have been "But now... as my best years came to an end" or even just taking out "had" would have made it fit better.
  
  "I tightened her fists" probably should have been "my fists" as "her" refers to the girl in the picture. "Way more energetic than I were" the last word there would fit better as "was". You also state that the character opens her eyes wide in surprise, but never mention beforehand that they were closed, rather, she was already wide eyed. Perhaps you meant to say "I opened my eyes wider, surprised.." and so forth.
• Sentence Fluency: Flowed very well.
• Conventions: Mechanical correctness of the piece seems pretty well, nothing really jumped out at me.
• Overall: Fairly enjoyed this piece. Well done.

Escalation of Two Brothers

• Theme: The theme shares much likeness with the song, not very original, but fitting.
• Organization: Your lead in wasn't very strong, but as I finished the first paragraph you had my intention. The conclusion also was lacking, but it wasn't awful. Your sequencing seemed fine however, I had no problems keeping up with the timeline of events.
• Voice: You quote the song so heavily that none of your characters really have a personality, no voice, just lyrics. That being said I get the general "protagonist" and "antagonist" vibes, albeit generic, they were present.
• Word Choice Could have been much better, personally. While using the songs lyrics is not a bad thing, overuse of them really kills the story. However, your descriptive words and such seemed consistent and on par.
• Sentence Fluency: The pace was rushed, and the dialogue was choppy. The latter, again, is due to heavy use of song lyrics.
• Conventions: Some misused punctuation, but for the most part not bad.
• Overall: I idea of this story is good, but the execution could have been so much better. Slow it down, give more life to it, and double check your work. To be completely honest, I did not enjoy this piece.

Headfirst slide into Cooperstown on a bad bet

• Theme: Abstract, but fitting.
• Organization: Can't critique a freeverse. (I mean I could... but... you know.)
• Voice:Good poetic voice.
• Word Choice Feels similar to song lyrics, but poetically, the word usage is well done.
• Sentence Fluency: Flows well, I didn't listen to it with the music.
• Conventions: Minor thing here, some missing punctuation on a few of the stanzas. "All or none" kinda deal; some of them end in periods, some of them skip punctuation all together.
• Overall: Short, but good. I enjoyed it, but it would have been nice to read a little more of your poetry.

Kings

• Theme: Dark. I like that. However, not that I am one to judge your inspiration, but for the life of me I cannot link any theme between "Rondo Alla Turca" By Mozart and this poem. It seems better fitted to something like "Royals" by Lorde. That being said, your inspiration, is your inspiration; I just don't feel it.
• Organization: Following the theme of free verse, yet, it could have used some line breaks.
• Voice: The voice was very well done, and I applaud that.
• Word Choice Consistent, not too simple, very good.
• Sentence Fluency: Flowed well for me, I didn't have trouble "getting all poetic with it" so to speak.
• Conventions: Some missing commas as far as I remember. Not a big deal, but, "All or none". Commas should be used for line breaks that aren't periods.
• Overall: Overall it is a beautifully written piece, and I fairly enjoyed it.

Will Update.

[FernStone]

Well that's a lot of stories that I need to read. I will get around to it, possibly review some but I'm really quite bad at that.

And, @PlatinumSkink, no offence taken at all. I entered this more for improving my writing than to win, and the only way to do that is to get negative or constructive feedback :P People IRL tend to give me too much positive feedback which really doesn't help when I know in the grand scheme of things I'm not that good a writer -.- So really I'm more saying thank you for the review, even though negative (though my reaction might have been worse if I was in a less neutral/emotionless mood but still, thanks)

[RomanAria]

I'm honored that you're using my review outline, @Aeonumbra. Like, you have no idea how proud/happy that makes me.

[Syben]

@RomanAria You are very welcome, it was quite a good idea. Also, totally clicked your dragons.

[Henzukaya]

Sooo... If its all right with you guys... I want you to go all out when reviewing mine. At least, in the aspect of complaints or your issues with it. Go for it and be cruel to your hearts content, I prefer that rather than sugarcoating stuff. Weird, I know, sorry, but I feel as though I really need a good slap at the wrist or something XD In particular, Platinum I noticed you may have sugarcoated (from what I can tell) your opinion on some of mine. No need for it, bring it on!! XD

[ayzrules]

2 more reviews! hehe

for blue skies-I really, genuinely, liked it. i know some people like to have as much detail as possible, but I felt the vagueness of it all was very fitting. it could be anyone, really, anyone and everyone writing and "receiving" the letter. I like how you characterized the person that the narrator was talking about, not even really specifically naming traits but letting the reader know what he/she was like just by how the narrator thought of them. all in all, well done!

raggle taggle gypsy-first of all, I have to say that you blew me away with all the sensory details relating to hearing. I loved the comparisons! it fit the song very well, and I love how you picked different colors for the bass and soprano and stuff. I feel like the ending was perfect-rhys got away and stood up to richard, and she took all that he had given her and threw it back at him, taking back what richard had stolen from her. I enjoyed reading it, and again, loved all the comparisons!

[Syben]

More Reviews added. [Scroll Up].

[Henzukaya]

Cops and Robbers: The story was good, the song was good, but they're completely incompatable. Really, it left me confused for quite a while why such an upbeat and fun song was chosen for a serious and even sad story. Unless you're intention was to have the reader continue thinking onwards that maybe Ashe was only pretending and was working on the inside instead of being a thrall. even if that was the intention, I can't help but say you failed. That aside, yeah, its good, but a suitable song is definitely necessary for it to be great.

Shades of White and Black: I love this. I really love this. The song and the story combine to a powerful wave of bleak confusion within one's self that they can't avoid. I just can't see much issues with this, story and all. I also love how the gender of the person is also unspecified, another great way to substitute the reader. This song and story just fills me with a sense of bleakness and futility, and I love that. Amazingly done. And I love it. Thats surprisingly hard to do, in my opinion XD

[Syben]

Two more reviews up. [scroll up]

[PlatinumSkink]

I've narrowed it down to two choices now, yet choosing among these has proven to be a most difficult task...

Hmmm, do I vote for the one which clearly had the most work, thought and overall process of quality production to it...

... Or for the one that masterfully used the knowledge of the reader to create a unique and enjoyable experience?

The former was gripping and held a different league of quality entirely, but it followed a pretty basic story-line pattern I've seen before.

The latter did something which surprised me and made me smile going "that's genius", but simply cannot hold up to the other's pure quality.

Decisions, decisions... ... ... ... ... With these many entries, do we still only have one vote? Gosh.

[Alice]

Deleted comment

[mdk]

Hey for anyone keeping up with things -- Mahz has talked to me a bit about some coding stuff, there *may* be a (really awesome) change to how voting works coming in the next couple days. Stay tuned.

[RomanAria]

OMGOSH MDK. Is it...
Is it...
POLLS?!?!?!!!?
OMGOSHNESS!

[Syben]

@Alice This will be the only response I make to you, since you felt the need to call me out on my personal opinion.

Plagiarism

1: The practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own.

Synonyms: Copying, Infringement of copyright, Piracy, Theft, Stealing

What I am going to do:
Highlight song lyrics that follow the song timeline in red, even if a word or two is missing.

Highlight song lyrics that have been changed to something more "story" in green.
(IE: Changing "I would" to "I'd")(IE: Changing "Switch up the batteries" to "Switch it up sometimes.")

Highlight song lyrics that have have focus shifted with a perspective word changes in green.
(IE: Changing "you are with me" to "I'm with Sarah")(IE: Changing "you" to "her")

Highlight added words into the lyric in orange.

No Place I'd Rather Be

We're more than a thousand miles away from the comfort of our homes back in London, and it's taken us drives across Europe and Asia, and a boat across the Sea of Japan to get here, but as long as I'm with Sarah, there's no place I'd rather be. I'd wait with her here forever, because it feels that as long as I'm with her, my heart will continue to beat.

With every step that we take from Kyoto town centre to the bay, strolling casually, I realise that we're different, but still the same. Anyway, it's fun to switch it up sometimes.

"Y'know," I say to Sarah, "If you gave me a chance to live here forever, I would take it instantly."
"It'd be a shot in the dark," she replies, "You barley speak Japanese,"
"But I'd make it!" I tell her, "You must know with all of your heart that I wouldn't let you shake me! When I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be!"
"I'm sure there are other places," she says happily, "Like the pub with your mates,"
"N-no! No! There's no place I'd rather be than with you!" I almost scream in excitement.

So, we staked out on a mission, to get a house in Kyoto, where we could find our inner peace. We would find a place that would make our love everlasting, and with everything, so that nothing was incomplete.
"It's so easy being with you," I tell her, "It's sacred simplicity. As long aswe stay together, there really is no place I'd rather be."

With every step we take down roads, finding a house, from the centre of Kyoto, to the bay, we go casually. We like different houses, but we also like the same houses. But, it would be nice to try a different style house.
"If you have me a chance to learn Japanese, I would take it in an instant," I told her.
"It'd be a shot in the dark, you're not the best at learning languages," she said to me.
"I could still take it!" I said optimistically, "You know with all of your heart that I'd do my best to learn! Then I could stay here, and speak the language, because as long as I am with you, there's no place that I'd rather be!"
"And as long as I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be," she says in her sweet voice.
"Yeah!" I shouted, "Yeah! That's the spirit!" I bent down and kissed her, and then, to her surprise, got on one knee, and proposed to her, there and then, at the bay. "Will you marry me?" I asked her.
"Yes!" she screamed, "Yes! Of course!"
I put the ring on her finger, stared in her eyes, and then, as the sun set, in unison, we said, "As long as I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be."

The Song's Lyrics

Lyrics
Oh
We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea
But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be
I would wait forever, exalted in the scene
As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat

With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay
Strolling so casually
We're different and the same, gave you another name
Switch up the batteries

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
Ooh ooh

We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be

With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay
Strolling so casually
We're different and the same, gave you another name
Switch up the batteries

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be (Yeah)

Hoo
(Be)
Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah, yeah, yeah

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be

Again, I am highly surprised to see a piece like this here. Inspired by a song does not mean over half the story should be lyrics. Even changed, rearranged, and modified, it's plagiarism. It's not original, It's not unique. What it is, is highly disappointing.

I will not be responding to you further, @Alice. I'm sorry you feel that way, and your defense of the piece of honorable, however, I am set in my ways. So, there's no sense in pointlessly arguing, because I am not going to change my opinion.

[Alice]

Food for thought. Thank you.
@Aeonumbra

:)

[mdk]

@Alice This will be the only response I make to you, since you felt the need to call me out on my personal opinion.

Plagiarism

1: The practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own.

Synonyms: Copying, Infringement of copyright, Piracy, Theft, Stealing

What I am going to do:
Highlight song lyrics that follow the song timeline in red, even if a word or two is missing.

Highlight song lyrics that have been changed to something more "story" in green.
(IE: Changing "I would" to "I'd")(IE: Changing "Switch up the batteries" to "Switch it up sometimes.")

Highlight song lyrics that have have focus shifted with a perspective word changes in green.
(IE: Changing "you are with me" to "I'm with Sarah")(IE: Changing "you" to "her")

Highlight added words into the lyric in orange.

No Place I'd Rather Be

We're more than a thousand miles away from the comfort of our homes back in London, and it's taken us drives across Europe and Asia, and a boat across the Sea of Japan to get here, but as long as I'm with Sarah, there's no place I'd rather be. I'd wait with her here forever, because it feels that as long as I'm with her, my heart will continue to beat.

With every step that we take from Kyoto town centre to the bay, strolling casually, I realise that we're different, but still the same. Anyway, it's fun to switch it up sometimes.

"Y'know," I say to Sarah, "If you gave me a chance to live here forever, I would take it instantly."
"It'd be a shot in the dark," she replies, "You barley speak Japanese,"
"But I'd make it!" I tell her, "You must know with all of your heart that I wouldn't let you shake me! When I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be!"
"I'm sure there are other places," she says happily, "Like the pub with your mates,"
"N-no! No! There's no place I'd rather be than with you!" I almost scream in excitement.

So, we staked out on a mission, to get a house in Kyoto, where we could find our inner peace. We would find a place that would make our love everlasting, and with everything, so that nothing was incomplete.
"It's so easy being with you," I tell her, "It's sacred simplicity. As long aswe stay together, there really is no place I'd rather be."

With every step we take down roads, finding a house, from the centre of Kyoto, to the bay, we go casually. We like different houses, but we also like the same houses. But, it would be nice to try a different style house.
"If you have me a chance to learn Japanese, I would take it in an instant," I told her.
"It'd be a shot in the dark, you're not the best at learning languages," she said to me.
"I could still take it!" I said optimistically, "You know with all of your heart that I'd do my best to learn! Then I could stay here, and speak the language, because as long as I am with you, there's no place that I'd rather be!"
"And as long as I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be," she says in her sweet voice.
"Yeah!" I shouted, "Yeah! That's the spirit!" I bent down and kissed her, and then, to her surprise, got on one knee, and proposed to her, there and then, at the bay. "Will you marry me?" I asked her.
"Yes!" she screamed, "Yes! Of course!"
I put the ring on her finger, stared in her eyes, and then, as the sun set, in unison, we said, "As long as I'm with you, there's no place I'd rather be."

The Song's Lyrics

Lyrics
Oh
We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea
But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be
I would wait forever, exalted in the scene
As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat

With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay
Strolling so casually
We're different and the same, gave you another name
Switch up the batteries

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
Ooh ooh

We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be

With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay
Strolling so casually
We're different and the same, gave you another name
Switch up the batteries

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be (Yeah)

Hoo
(Be)
Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah, yeah, yeah

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be
N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be

Again, I am highly surprised to see a piece like this here. Inspired by a song does not mean over half the story should be lyrics. Even changed, rearranged, and modified, it's plagiarism. It's not original, It's not unique. What it is, is highly disappointing.

I will not be responding to you further, @Alice. I'm sorry you feel that way, and your defense of the piece of honorable, however, I am set in my ways. So, there's no sense in pointlessly arguing, because I am not going to change my opinion.

@Aeonumbra

aaaaaand let's just all take one or two pills worth of chill. If you don't like it, don't vote for it; if you don't like someone's opinion then like..... don't..... vote for the...... look we're all here for fun and practice and camaraderie, so et's be Fonz cool, aight?

OMGOSH MDK. Is it...
Is it...
POLLS?!?!?!!!?
OMGOSHNESS!

@RomanAria

Elaborate polls. Details to follow -- I'm not a coder so I don't know how hard it is, but it sounds like it might be ready in time. But it could be pretty sweet.