@mdk I was simply explaining my reasoning, since I was called out on it, and avoiding further confrontation. If my abrasiveness makes me sound unchill, then I apologize. I was infact, very chill.
Syben Digital Ghost
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
OP
@mdk I was simply explaining my reasoning, since I was called out on it, and avoiding further confrontation. If my abrasiveness makes me sound unchill, then I apologize. I was infact, very chill.
sorry. In my capacity as a runner of things, my goal is to prevent conflict, rather than my usual prerogative of starting conflict. We're all fine so far, I simply don't want anything to escalate.
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
Alright, alright. I know it's been a long time waiting for me to ACTUALLY get some reviews up. Within this post, I will be constantly updating and adding reviews. Only one shall be put up for now. Figure it's best to get started somewhere. This weekend has been a war zone that I'd simply describe as "Assignment Hell." Seriously, probably the largest dump of college work I've had to do in a while.
Anyway, here we go!
IMPORTANT NOTE: What I say is meant solely to be constructive and as helpful as possible. It's my opinion based on my experiences and education as a writer. And some personal taste as well though believe me, it is unlikely that will sway my vote one way or another unless two works are so considerably evenly matched that I have to choose what I prefer based on taste. No offense is meant by anything I say. If there are any questions you have for me that you personally had for your own work, any help you would like, or if you'd like to debate a certain aspect of my opinion: PLEASE, feel free to PM me. I'm very friendly.
REVIEWS
Now that that's all settled. The reviews are up next.
UPDATE: HOLY CRAP I'M DONE!
Anyway, here we go!
IMPORTANT NOTE: What I say is meant solely to be constructive and as helpful as possible. It's my opinion based on my experiences and education as a writer. And some personal taste as well though believe me, it is unlikely that will sway my vote one way or another unless two works are so considerably evenly matched that I have to choose what I prefer based on taste. No offense is meant by anything I say. If there are any questions you have for me that you personally had for your own work, any help you would like, or if you'd like to debate a certain aspect of my opinion: PLEASE, feel free to PM me. I'm very friendly.
REVIEWS
Now that that's all settled. The reviews are up next.
Well now, that was certainly not quite what I was expecting. What a way to start this all off. When I wrote my own piece, I never thought of singing a different rendition of the song or writing lyrics that fit the beat of the music or were similar to the original song. You definitely had a lyrical/musical mind. Well done on that aspect. Also, that's pretty ballsy of you to throw yourself out there and present yourself singing a variation of the song. Great voice, by the way. I actually found myself enjoying the sound of your voice more than the song your work was inspired by. The theme was clear through the lyrics and was delivered on point. You accomplished what you set out to do.
Onto the cons, which are mostly technical issues. Others have already pointed out mistakes such as "Your" should be "You're" at the beginning of the poem. Then "eye's" should just be "eyes". "An" on the second line should be "and" from what I'm guessing. You make that mistake again a few lines down. Perhaps "an" is just some sort of language use variation. Slang? So, I can probably drop that. Just throws me off when reading. Getting those technical points corrected will help keep the flow of your work going strong rather than having it interrupted.
Now for a little personal opinion: As for the message of the poem, it's delivered just fine. However, it doesn't particularly move me. Not quite my style, perhaps. Not that that's a bad thing. The work left me feeling unsatisfied. I know there is a bonus category for sticking closest to the song, but I feel there's ways to do that while also changing things around more; playing around with the story lines of the song. Solid work here. You can write. It just wasn't for me as I had a very neutral reaction.
Thank you for the showing everyone your entry.
And for showing us your singing! It was quite pleasant.
Onto the cons, which are mostly technical issues. Others have already pointed out mistakes such as "Your" should be "You're" at the beginning of the poem. Then "eye's" should just be "eyes". "An" on the second line should be "and" from what I'm guessing. You make that mistake again a few lines down. Perhaps "an" is just some sort of language use variation. Slang? So, I can probably drop that. Just throws me off when reading. Getting those technical points corrected will help keep the flow of your work going strong rather than having it interrupted.
Now for a little personal opinion: As for the message of the poem, it's delivered just fine. However, it doesn't particularly move me. Not quite my style, perhaps. Not that that's a bad thing. The work left me feeling unsatisfied. I know there is a bonus category for sticking closest to the song, but I feel there's ways to do that while also changing things around more; playing around with the story lines of the song. Solid work here. You can write. It just wasn't for me as I had a very neutral reaction.
Thank you for the showing everyone your entry.
And for showing us your singing! It was quite pleasant.
Oh depressing stories, how I love you so. The first aspect I will hit upon is the connection to the song. I quite enjoyed that she wore a crimson dress and you focused on her hair. Connections to "I got my red dress on tonight" in the song, I assume. The hair being a reference to being it up in beauty queen style. Again, those are my assumptions. They seem to close to not be on purpose. Those details are fun additions I had to acknowledge. Good job, 'twas a good thing. It bolstered my experience reading the story.
Solid details and set-up of the scene. I found myself being able to close my eyes and wander through her surroundings. Your ability to paint the picture of who the main character is as a person comes through. Love-struck, devoted, loyal. But she also has her impatience when Alfie hasn't showed up. He has just been through a war, so I actually found it humorous she became agitated. Just one of those human things we all do even if our impatient anger is unreasonable in the grand perspective of things.
Foreshadowing. I definitely got that niggling sense that something bad was going to happen. Which was evident not only from the song title, story title, and the sound (and lyrics) of the song. Strong work here with the atmosphere and setting. And, the first person narrative works here. I could get in her head and was able to get attached to Alfie.
Onto the criticisms. I don't feel like you need to use so many ellipses. Trust me, I know. I abuse the ever-loving christ out of ellipses as well. Take a closer look at some of your paragraphs and notice the certain focus that is within them. There are sudden jumps from one thing to the next that could be organized more cleanly by making a new paragraph. Not that that's a terrible thing because we are in the mind of the narrator. It could make sense that this is her focus. Looking forward to Alfie returning so she's nervous, excited, happy and her mind would be leaping all over.
I found most of this to be done well. It ultimately just felt too predictable for me. There were some moments where you described Alfie through telling. What if instead of saying he loved gardening, have the narrator stroll through an exquisitely cared for garden. The implied, shown feelings and characteristics are more powerful than those that are told to us; unless there is a good reason why it may be told instead of shown.
Overall, you did a pretty good job. Not great. Could have been excellent. You have lots of potential, keep it up!
Solid details and set-up of the scene. I found myself being able to close my eyes and wander through her surroundings. Your ability to paint the picture of who the main character is as a person comes through. Love-struck, devoted, loyal. But she also has her impatience when Alfie hasn't showed up. He has just been through a war, so I actually found it humorous she became agitated. Just one of those human things we all do even if our impatient anger is unreasonable in the grand perspective of things.
Foreshadowing. I definitely got that niggling sense that something bad was going to happen. Which was evident not only from the song title, story title, and the sound (and lyrics) of the song. Strong work here with the atmosphere and setting. And, the first person narrative works here. I could get in her head and was able to get attached to Alfie.
Onto the criticisms. I don't feel like you need to use so many ellipses. Trust me, I know. I abuse the ever-loving christ out of ellipses as well. Take a closer look at some of your paragraphs and notice the certain focus that is within them. There are sudden jumps from one thing to the next that could be organized more cleanly by making a new paragraph. Not that that's a terrible thing because we are in the mind of the narrator. It could make sense that this is her focus. Looking forward to Alfie returning so she's nervous, excited, happy and her mind would be leaping all over.
I found most of this to be done well. It ultimately just felt too predictable for me. There were some moments where you described Alfie through telling. What if instead of saying he loved gardening, have the narrator stroll through an exquisitely cared for garden. The implied, shown feelings and characteristics are more powerful than those that are told to us; unless there is a good reason why it may be told instead of shown.
Overall, you did a pretty good job. Not great. Could have been excellent. You have lots of potential, keep it up!
Whoa, positivity alert. So many positive vibes coming from this song and story. Positive feelings I should say. Verdict of the work on the other hand? Well let's see.
The writing appears alright. No major errors I noticed anywhere. I can follow the beats of the story just fine and you hit all of them. In terms of a story at its most simple and base elements, well, you told a story as it should be told. With the song I found myself smiling, and I was happy to read material with such hopeful optimism and joy.
However, my problem stands as this: it's too easy.
I know the main character has been thrown out and is homeless. He's worried because she has no home and has a decision to make. Good, conflict right off the bat. Now he has to convince his significant other to go west. Again this is good. More conflict. We have stakes for him because he has no home and needs to go somewhere. His emotional state rests on how he feels about going west, and that's another stake.
What's so important about his boyfriend? I wonder why I should be so invested in whether he wants to go west or not. The protagonist seems as though he will be leaving with or without him, judging from what I read. Unless he moves in with him of course. What did the boyfriend ever do that was the reason the narrator would stay in Boston? Not that I need to know specifically, but YOU should. That way you can write his characteristics that draw the main character in. Actions that paint the boyfriend positively for readers like me. You did do well in his response to the main character's troubles, we immediately know he's a good guy, BUT, yes there is a but...
Why would he just up and go with him? Does he not have family and friends he'd be leaving in the area? Is there a job he has that'd he would have to give up. This is moving to a completely opposite coast. A new world, a new life. Leaving home and the comfortable security they have had. This is a massive decision, and he just up and says yes? I don't buy it. I want some struggle within my stories. The other person should have to go through some sort of an obstacle to achieve his goal. Although it's a happy little story, I didn't feel as though the ending was earned.
Good job, just not quite for me.
The writing appears alright. No major errors I noticed anywhere. I can follow the beats of the story just fine and you hit all of them. In terms of a story at its most simple and base elements, well, you told a story as it should be told. With the song I found myself smiling, and I was happy to read material with such hopeful optimism and joy.
However, my problem stands as this: it's too easy.
I know the main character has been thrown out and is homeless. He's worried because she has no home and has a decision to make. Good, conflict right off the bat. Now he has to convince his significant other to go west. Again this is good. More conflict. We have stakes for him because he has no home and needs to go somewhere. His emotional state rests on how he feels about going west, and that's another stake.
What's so important about his boyfriend? I wonder why I should be so invested in whether he wants to go west or not. The protagonist seems as though he will be leaving with or without him, judging from what I read. Unless he moves in with him of course. What did the boyfriend ever do that was the reason the narrator would stay in Boston? Not that I need to know specifically, but YOU should. That way you can write his characteristics that draw the main character in. Actions that paint the boyfriend positively for readers like me. You did do well in his response to the main character's troubles, we immediately know he's a good guy, BUT, yes there is a but...
Why would he just up and go with him? Does he not have family and friends he'd be leaving in the area? Is there a job he has that'd he would have to give up. This is moving to a completely opposite coast. A new world, a new life. Leaving home and the comfortable security they have had. This is a massive decision, and he just up and says yes? I don't buy it. I want some struggle within my stories. The other person should have to go through some sort of an obstacle to achieve his goal. Although it's a happy little story, I didn't feel as though the ending was earned.
Good job, just not quite for me.
Take everything I say here with a grain of salt. Not a poetry buff over here. It's been a while since I've last spent a considerable amount of time analyzing the techniques/style and content of a poem.
I can probably stop commenting on the connections to the songs because it seems just about everyone hits on the mark. You've done well with that as well. One grammatical note: was "All the you can be" meant to be "All THAT you can be"? I'd assume it was. Just a small error. Nothing major! Small in comparison to the rest of the piece. Structurally the free verse is sound. You used commas in the right places.
The strongest quality of the piece was its sense of vagueness. I do love (and sometimes hate if I'm in a literature class) a piece of poetry that makes me think abstractly about what a certain thing is. The 'thing' in your poem being the 'bad thing.' Quite a fun little journey it was trying to figure out what that bad thing could be. The best part of the experience was that it can be entirely up to the reader. While you, the author, probably have it in mind what the 'bad thing' is; the readers still can imagine what it is that watches the people. I suspect the idea is that it's the darkness of the human soul. "It beckons to them with their hopes and dreams." That line was my biggest hint. Whether I'm close to the mark or not, I feel the nature of darkness and the more 'evil' of human desires resides at the heart of this piece. Using less than moral means to reach "their hopes and dreams" would certainly lead me to believe what I do believe. Anyway, that's enough of that.
I definitely feel as though it could flow more. Perhaps that is the nature of a free verse poem. Adding a little bit of structure could have helped. Thinking about different words (always be grabbing that thesaurus) that capture the same point but also provide the rhythm you want. At times I felt the message could have been delivered with more subtle means. Even if you did good work with the abstract meanings of the poem, delivering the message with some sort of more subtle visual flare may have been nice. That's just my personal taste.
All in all, one of the better pieces I've read.
I can probably stop commenting on the connections to the songs because it seems just about everyone hits on the mark. You've done well with that as well. One grammatical note: was "All the you can be" meant to be "All THAT you can be"? I'd assume it was. Just a small error. Nothing major! Small in comparison to the rest of the piece. Structurally the free verse is sound. You used commas in the right places.
The strongest quality of the piece was its sense of vagueness. I do love (and sometimes hate if I'm in a literature class) a piece of poetry that makes me think abstractly about what a certain thing is. The 'thing' in your poem being the 'bad thing.' Quite a fun little journey it was trying to figure out what that bad thing could be. The best part of the experience was that it can be entirely up to the reader. While you, the author, probably have it in mind what the 'bad thing' is; the readers still can imagine what it is that watches the people. I suspect the idea is that it's the darkness of the human soul. "It beckons to them with their hopes and dreams." That line was my biggest hint. Whether I'm close to the mark or not, I feel the nature of darkness and the more 'evil' of human desires resides at the heart of this piece. Using less than moral means to reach "their hopes and dreams" would certainly lead me to believe what I do believe. Anyway, that's enough of that.
I definitely feel as though it could flow more. Perhaps that is the nature of a free verse poem. Adding a little bit of structure could have helped. Thinking about different words (always be grabbing that thesaurus) that capture the same point but also provide the rhythm you want. At times I felt the message could have been delivered with more subtle means. Even if you did good work with the abstract meanings of the poem, delivering the message with some sort of more subtle visual flare may have been nice. That's just my personal taste.
All in all, one of the better pieces I've read.
That got dark, very fast. I could relate to this piece on a personal level. On not only the addiction aspect, but also the attempted suicide. Someone I knew growing up killed themselves, and one of my brother's close friends who I often talked with and got to know over the years died from a drug overdose. Kudos for hitting the emotional nerve.
As for the piece itself, well done. The song choice was certainly excellent. What a jarring juxtaposition! On the surface "Perfect Day" seems like it could be quite a happy song about a person spending time with someone he loves. Although I know it's a personification of Lou Reed's addiction to heroin. So, you're really working on all levels here. So, Eric's perfect day is with heroin. The positive vibe of the music clashes so strongly with Eric's struggle with his addiction. Good song choice, and great written piece to go alongside.
The visuals were powerful and sucked me into the utter desperation and feeling of no escape that Eric had from the drug. Using photographs as memories into Eric's past was a good choice. And, I think you have a strong grasp with the topic of addiction and what it does to people. Paranoia, forgetting things, and others come to mind. The idea that he simply forgot his friend's funeral and didn't remember receiving an invite was pretty tragic. An accurate representation. Very solid.
Some grammatical issues have already been pointed out. Again, they aren't massive or detrimental to the piece in any major way. I would say if anything, there probably should have been some expansion done to the story. It is meant to be a short story, yes, but short can still be a bit longer to grasp what you need. Particularly, the audience should have some sort of connection to Eric. Yes, he is interesting due to his addiction to heroin. But it's his struggle with it that's the most important. Adding on to his battle and his time being clean would be nice. Give us something to hold on to about Eric. I feel the piece could be stronger if we had something that made us like Eric. That would make the end more powerful. The idea of what could have been… much more sad.
Another one of the better pieces here in my opinion.
As for the piece itself, well done. The song choice was certainly excellent. What a jarring juxtaposition! On the surface "Perfect Day" seems like it could be quite a happy song about a person spending time with someone he loves. Although I know it's a personification of Lou Reed's addiction to heroin. So, you're really working on all levels here. So, Eric's perfect day is with heroin. The positive vibe of the music clashes so strongly with Eric's struggle with his addiction. Good song choice, and great written piece to go alongside.
The visuals were powerful and sucked me into the utter desperation and feeling of no escape that Eric had from the drug. Using photographs as memories into Eric's past was a good choice. And, I think you have a strong grasp with the topic of addiction and what it does to people. Paranoia, forgetting things, and others come to mind. The idea that he simply forgot his friend's funeral and didn't remember receiving an invite was pretty tragic. An accurate representation. Very solid.
Some grammatical issues have already been pointed out. Again, they aren't massive or detrimental to the piece in any major way. I would say if anything, there probably should have been some expansion done to the story. It is meant to be a short story, yes, but short can still be a bit longer to grasp what you need. Particularly, the audience should have some sort of connection to Eric. Yes, he is interesting due to his addiction to heroin. But it's his struggle with it that's the most important. Adding on to his battle and his time being clean would be nice. Give us something to hold on to about Eric. I feel the piece could be stronger if we had something that made us like Eric. That would make the end more powerful. The idea of what could have been… much more sad.
Another one of the better pieces here in my opinion.
Hm. That was a bit of a unique experience. I'm not quite familiar with song fiction as Alice described in a previous post before removing it. In fact, I've never read a song fic. I definitely understand where the discussion of plagiarism came up, and understand both sides of the divide. But, let's stay away from that for now.
If a song fic is taking the lyrics and being very close to the actual song and making some additions, then you certainly succeeded. I personally can't say it's 'original' in the sense of the term because it adheres to the theme of the song, uses a lot of the lyrics from the song, and just adds your love story into the mix of a love-like song.
It did make for a unique experience. Reading it alongside the music playing and almost hearing everything play out together was kind of neat. A lyrical experience really, almost reading it as the characters were singing to each other.
But, for me it's too close to the song. Not much was added on. Nothing speaks out to me in terms of technique, style, or storytelling.
If a song fic is taking the lyrics and being very close to the actual song and making some additions, then you certainly succeeded. I personally can't say it's 'original' in the sense of the term because it adheres to the theme of the song, uses a lot of the lyrics from the song, and just adds your love story into the mix of a love-like song.
It did make for a unique experience. Reading it alongside the music playing and almost hearing everything play out together was kind of neat. A lyrical experience really, almost reading it as the characters were singing to each other.
But, for me it's too close to the song. Not much was added on. Nothing speaks out to me in terms of technique, style, or storytelling.
Good LGBT twist to the song. The message was powerful and on point. Your word usage seemed all in check with me. As a poem, there wasn't anything technical I could find wrong with it. Although, I'd say there was some missing punctuation. A comma may have worked here or there. For example:
Grasp it now?
This is their future
Your disgust is
Nothing but stupid!
I feel as though somewhere there, a comma or something may have been nice. However, as it is a poem, the run-on nature of "This is their future your disgust is nothing but stupid" could very well work. Almost as though the person is so angry their words are just bursting out of their mouth with no filter. Which is as accurate as to real life anger as you can get. If that was the purpose, well done.
The message was easy to figure out. But, the poem to me felt too simple. Not the message, but the way it was delivered. Here I am with my personal tastes on poetry again. Overall, it's a solid work.
Grasp it now?
This is their future
Your disgust is
Nothing but stupid!
I feel as though somewhere there, a comma or something may have been nice. However, as it is a poem, the run-on nature of "This is their future your disgust is nothing but stupid" could very well work. Almost as though the person is so angry their words are just bursting out of their mouth with no filter. Which is as accurate as to real life anger as you can get. If that was the purpose, well done.
The message was easy to figure out. But, the poem to me felt too simple. Not the message, but the way it was delivered. Here I am with my personal tastes on poetry again. Overall, it's a solid work.
Nice little add-in there with the song about stars at the end. Aeonumbra covered the grammatical and other technical errors so I will stay away from those. I also wonder why she was counting. Didn't add anything to the story. There seemed to be no real reason for it. Just curious about it.
You set up a peaceful scene nicely. With some simple sentences you gave us a picture of your main character. I could see a stubborn young girl refusing to accept help putting the telescope together. Personally, I'd refuse help as well.
Why was it such a weird thing for the sky to be clear? Is it winter, judging from the hot cocoa? Tategami is pops, but what is pops? I also assumed father until she actually speaks to 'Dad'. Some confusion there.
As a whole I feel the story could benefit from added details so we might get a little bit more to know about Kuba, Tategami, and her father. One could say we know the most about her dad because he speaks so adamantly about his viewpoint. The story had a pleasant feeling to it. Like a family feeling; a father-daughter warmth to it. Just could have been better with some more execution and additions.
You set up a peaceful scene nicely. With some simple sentences you gave us a picture of your main character. I could see a stubborn young girl refusing to accept help putting the telescope together. Personally, I'd refuse help as well.
Why was it such a weird thing for the sky to be clear? Is it winter, judging from the hot cocoa? Tategami is pops, but what is pops? I also assumed father until she actually speaks to 'Dad'. Some confusion there.
As a whole I feel the story could benefit from added details so we might get a little bit more to know about Kuba, Tategami, and her father. One could say we know the most about her dad because he speaks so adamantly about his viewpoint. The story had a pleasant feeling to it. Like a family feeling; a father-daughter warmth to it. Just could have been better with some more execution and additions.
Short and sweet. Good flow and the word choice benefits that rhythm. Song and poem linked up with each other very nicely.
The conciseness of the piece worked well for me. I don't really know what more I could say for you. I'm a fan of themes revolving around people losing their identity to the thing they pretend to be. Good work here. I enjoyed that.
The conciseness of the piece worked well for me. I don't really know what more I could say for you. I'm a fan of themes revolving around people losing their identity to the thing they pretend to be. Good work here. I enjoyed that.
Creative, I like it. Although your story could have benefited with some better adjectives. Sometimes I had a hard time immersing myself in your world. Describing the sides and what was going on felt a bit clinical. Almost like you were going through a list of things you needed the audience to know. There are better ways to go about doing this so the readers can actually feel themselves within your world. Let them imagine what it was like.
You did have some nice creative structure. Jumping from past narrative to the present was a nice touch. And your writing got stronger as you went (that's always a good thing to have when writing). While the ending seemed a bit predictable, I didn't mind that. The narrative switch while the countdown was going through was a great choice. In fact, the ending showed off that you had a good sense of pacing. Slow build up to that fever pitch moment of tension. Good job.
As for the song connection, I'm not so sure. In a general sense it works. Were you going for the idea that you're either a cop or robber? One cop becomes a robber and falls in love with a fellow robber, but then the original robber becomes a cop. If so, that's an intriguing direction to make the song connection. Otherwise it's oddly off-putting .
Good story, some really strong elements. But it's lacking important pieces to be great.
You did have some nice creative structure. Jumping from past narrative to the present was a nice touch. And your writing got stronger as you went (that's always a good thing to have when writing). While the ending seemed a bit predictable, I didn't mind that. The narrative switch while the countdown was going through was a great choice. In fact, the ending showed off that you had a good sense of pacing. Slow build up to that fever pitch moment of tension. Good job.
As for the song connection, I'm not so sure. In a general sense it works. Were you going for the idea that you're either a cop or robber? One cop becomes a robber and falls in love with a fellow robber, but then the original robber becomes a cop. If so, that's an intriguing direction to make the song connection. Otherwise it's oddly off-putting .
Good story, some really strong elements. But it's lacking important pieces to be great.
I hated this piece more than I hate Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. JUST KIDDING. This was absolutely lovely. Brilliant even. I think I may have found a new favorite in the clubhouse. Your word choice spoke to me. Even when there were moments I felt you could have used some extra details, I could explain it away. It didn't necessarily need to be said or shown. I just got the character. Understood the struggle.
Although, a few more visuals to paint the appearance of her home might have made this piece even more powerful. Just an honest assessment. I can't give you a perfect score. Any story can benefit with more showing rather than telling unless there is a certain type of structure/perspective you're using that makes sense for a different route.
Regardless. This was a strong entry. Powerful and emotional. It hit me on a personal level, and that ending resonated with me. I needed that. Thank you for writing this. I feel as though there are many people who can relate to this. Well done, and a great song choice as well. You have a unique, wonderful voice. I'd love to see more of your writing.
Although, a few more visuals to paint the appearance of her home might have made this piece even more powerful. Just an honest assessment. I can't give you a perfect score. Any story can benefit with more showing rather than telling unless there is a certain type of structure/perspective you're using that makes sense for a different route.
Regardless. This was a strong entry. Powerful and emotional. It hit me on a personal level, and that ending resonated with me. I needed that. Thank you for writing this. I feel as though there are many people who can relate to this. Well done, and a great song choice as well. You have a unique, wonderful voice. I'd love to see more of your writing.
Ellipses. So many ellipses. You could really just stick with periods, honestly. Sorry, it has become a pet peeve of mine. Mostly because I used to abuse ellipses and when I noticed it, it has ticked me off ever since. Not that I'm holding that against you. That's not a horribly major thing wrong with your work. In fact, I enjoyed your entry.
I thought adding the lyrics of the song into the speech was an interesting choice. Although sometimes it made it read awkwardly. Understand what you were trying to do, and I appreciate the stylistic choices. Some just don't work out as much as we'd like. Though it wasn't a terrible choice. The message still got through, and it was a powerful one.
Great, positive meaning from this piece. All of you seem to be hitting on messages that I can relate to. Definitely feel as though we can relate to the idea of regret and wishing we did things differently. Making our voices and opinions heard. Taking what we want, or at least making an effort to take what we want. Good work!
I thought adding the lyrics of the song into the speech was an interesting choice. Although sometimes it made it read awkwardly. Understand what you were trying to do, and I appreciate the stylistic choices. Some just don't work out as much as we'd like. Though it wasn't a terrible choice. The message still got through, and it was a powerful one.
Great, positive meaning from this piece. All of you seem to be hitting on messages that I can relate to. Definitely feel as though we can relate to the idea of regret and wishing we did things differently. Making our voices and opinions heard. Taking what we want, or at least making an effort to take what we want. Good work!
This really reminded me of Dragon Ball Z while I was reading it. Super powered people blowing up things and fighting. The song probably added on to that, and that they seemed to power up while screaming 'escalation' lol. Not a bad thing to remind me of, I so enjoyed that show when I was younger.
Pretty basic plot here. It's been covered that the characters are predictable and archetypical. As is the plot. Nothing groundbreaking here (not that it has to be). Not quite sure I enjoyed the lyrics being interwoven within this particular entry, mainly because it read awkwardly for me. Then again, your world. If you were going for an anime-ish type world, it sounded like one for sure.
Biggest problem? Motivations. I understand the brothers have their own beliefs that are clashing ideals, but I'd like to know why. I never got the sense that Zack transformed enough as a character to have his extremism. There was a lot of telling and not enough development. However, you did entertain me. You can write, and you've got creativity. A fun entry, but one I probably won't be voting for.
Pretty basic plot here. It's been covered that the characters are predictable and archetypical. As is the plot. Nothing groundbreaking here (not that it has to be). Not quite sure I enjoyed the lyrics being interwoven within this particular entry, mainly because it read awkwardly for me. Then again, your world. If you were going for an anime-ish type world, it sounded like one for sure.
Biggest problem? Motivations. I understand the brothers have their own beliefs that are clashing ideals, but I'd like to know why. I never got the sense that Zack transformed enough as a character to have his extremism. There was a lot of telling and not enough development. However, you did entertain me. You can write, and you've got creativity. A fun entry, but one I probably won't be voting for.
Curious about the deeper meaning of your poetry. Short and sweet. I do like me some conciseness. Also, with so many things to review still this is a nice change of pace. Is it someone stating they will never become like their father? I see hints of abuse from black-blue hues, and five dollar feuds (petty arguments?).
If not, I feel it's something close to that. A struggle between the speaker and someone important within their life. Message was delivered, the word choice was on point. Though I wish there were more. Simple poem with a powerful theme. I can't think of much else to say about this piece.
I liked it, but it didn't blow me away or move me incredibly. Good work, keep writing. Definitely want to see more of what you're capable of.
If not, I feel it's something close to that. A struggle between the speaker and someone important within their life. Message was delivered, the word choice was on point. Though I wish there were more. Simple poem with a powerful theme. I can't think of much else to say about this piece.
I liked it, but it didn't blow me away or move me incredibly. Good work, keep writing. Definitely want to see more of what you're capable of.
So far, I'd have to say this is the best piece of poetry I've read in the entire contest. What an interesting song choice as well. A royal-like theme with a title like 'Kings'. Interesting mesh. I like it. Maybe even brilliant.
The imagery. Extremely well done. The picture you've painted is crystal clear, and in many ways more visual than some of the short stories written in this contest. In fact, this poem speaks so powerfully it's something I'd expect to hear from Mos Def's "Def Poetry" readings. It was that good. You can be proud of this piece. Very proud.
Quite the twisted and dark drug anthem here. Comparing royal kingdom names to those of the street. Sad and depressing. I can see the hopelessness of their situation. Nothing gets better for them, yet they still continue on with their situations. Not often someone can tell a detailed story in so few words, but you did it. Beautifully done.
The imagery. Extremely well done. The picture you've painted is crystal clear, and in many ways more visual than some of the short stories written in this contest. In fact, this poem speaks so powerfully it's something I'd expect to hear from Mos Def's "Def Poetry" readings. It was that good. You can be proud of this piece. Very proud.
Quite the twisted and dark drug anthem here. Comparing royal kingdom names to those of the street. Sad and depressing. I can see the hopelessness of their situation. Nothing gets better for them, yet they still continue on with their situations. Not often someone can tell a detailed story in so few words, but you did it. Beautifully done.
You have a real talent for creating unique voices. Aily is certainly one of them. I could easily close my eyes and hear how Aily spoke, along with every other character. That was a very nice touch and added a great deal to this piece. And a good sense of humor. Found myself laughing a few times. Burlap sack of phallus was one of the better insults I've read in a good while. Aily's disgust at the greasy Ennio. Fantastic written details here. You certainly know how to capture both world and your characters. They're all unique as well. Not many people achieve that.
Also, what a clash of tones. Such a happy sounding tune to a story that had such darker themes. At least this seemed to be a piece with a dark theme such as suicide which I took the ending to be. Could be entirely wrong. Aily seemed quite depressed. Definitely sad that Aily jumped. Such humor and potential. Sigh… Another piece that has struck an emotional chord. Good work.
Definitely enjoyed the switch from first person to third person around the end. Somewhat reminded me of that infamous Darl chapter in As I Lay Dying. Regardless of whether the end was a bit predictable, this piece stands strong for several reasons. Great characters, unique voices, a legitimate beginning middle and end, there are clear struggles Aily deals with, and fantastic writing.
Flaws? Personally, I'm not quite sure. It didn't completely capture me. Didn't absolutely wow me. However, your writing is on point and it is a great story. You still could definitely get my vote. But there is still much to review. Even if I have read everything. A second go round definitely helps. Anyway, thank you so much for writing this.
Also, what a clash of tones. Such a happy sounding tune to a story that had such darker themes. At least this seemed to be a piece with a dark theme such as suicide which I took the ending to be. Could be entirely wrong. Aily seemed quite depressed. Definitely sad that Aily jumped. Such humor and potential. Sigh… Another piece that has struck an emotional chord. Good work.
Definitely enjoyed the switch from first person to third person around the end. Somewhat reminded me of that infamous Darl chapter in As I Lay Dying. Regardless of whether the end was a bit predictable, this piece stands strong for several reasons. Great characters, unique voices, a legitimate beginning middle and end, there are clear struggles Aily deals with, and fantastic writing.
Flaws? Personally, I'm not quite sure. It didn't completely capture me. Didn't absolutely wow me. However, your writing is on point and it is a great story. You still could definitely get my vote. But there is still much to review. Even if I have read everything. A second go round definitely helps. Anyway, thank you so much for writing this.
On the negative side of things, I can't say this impressed me too much. I don't write poetry often and my knowledge of it has dulled over time. So, you may have used some great techniques and style. However, the contents just didn't impress me. I couldn't quite find myself the rhythm. Although along with the song, I definitely could grasp your emotion. There was a lot of passion here and that's what kept me reading. Using web and nets was a nice piece of imagery so you get points there. I felt your uses of repetition at certain places did not have the desired effect.
No real grammatical issues or major technical errors. Not a bad piece of poetry whatsoever, do not misunderstand me. It was good. Just the contents weren't quite what I'm looking for. Felt a bit too straightforward. Some better word choice could have helped the rhythm. It's interesting and I'd definitely like to see some more of your work.
No real grammatical issues or major technical errors. Not a bad piece of poetry whatsoever, do not misunderstand me. It was good. Just the contents weren't quite what I'm looking for. Felt a bit too straightforward. Some better word choice could have helped the rhythm. It's interesting and I'd definitely like to see some more of your work.
Nice song. I can picture it along with the main character and his uprising against Wilhelm. Even hear the song as all the chaos happens. Good work with the song inspiration as I can see where it connects to your work.
However, I can't say the story in itself gripped me. I appreciate the recounting of a story and returning back to the present. Going into a story, then another story and another is a lot of fun (Grand Budapest Hotel, anyone?). Although this is just recounting one event in this story. I still like that, and the shift from third person to first was an interesting choice. Nicely done as it made it seem as if he was talking.
I feel as though there were words missing that could have painted your world more clearly and could have immersed me. Sometimes it just stalled where the story shouldn't have stalled. A good effort, and not a bad story at all. Just, I've seen it before and it didn't move me. The ending could have been more powerful as well.
However, I can't say the story in itself gripped me. I appreciate the recounting of a story and returning back to the present. Going into a story, then another story and another is a lot of fun (Grand Budapest Hotel, anyone?). Although this is just recounting one event in this story. I still like that, and the shift from third person to first was an interesting choice. Nicely done as it made it seem as if he was talking.
I feel as though there were words missing that could have painted your world more clearly and could have immersed me. Sometimes it just stalled where the story shouldn't have stalled. A good effort, and not a bad story at all. Just, I've seen it before and it didn't move me. The ending could have been more powerful as well.
What a tune! I loved that song so much. Couldn't stop nodding along and tapping my foot to it. And starting with positives, your story certainly fit in with the song. Great mesh. I enjoyed your use of color to distinguish between different characters/narratives. Your writing style is enjoyable and well structured. You're definitely a more advanced writer.
You've got a talent for capturing the scene and a specific mood for your piece. Good abilities to have, I'd say. Excellent detail all around. But, my problems stem from mostly character aspects. I understand Rhys and her desire to escape from her upper class cage, chained away from the beautiful freedom of the world. I understand the Lord and his upper class upbringing of the 'finer' material things in life.
But, what I don't have here is some development. The relationship (loving/romantic?) between Meldie and Rhys seemed to come from nowhere. Even if Meldie was an old friend, there felt like a lack of development there. Thus I didn't feel their passion, and that's pretty important to have. I want Rhys to do things and to see things play out. To see the consequences. As another review said, we kind of just learn things through some form of exposition (but also to be fair, we have action here as well). All in all, this is great work. I'm very happy to have read it. Voting is not going to be easy.
You've got a talent for capturing the scene and a specific mood for your piece. Good abilities to have, I'd say. Excellent detail all around. But, my problems stem from mostly character aspects. I understand Rhys and her desire to escape from her upper class cage, chained away from the beautiful freedom of the world. I understand the Lord and his upper class upbringing of the 'finer' material things in life.
But, what I don't have here is some development. The relationship (loving/romantic?) between Meldie and Rhys seemed to come from nowhere. Even if Meldie was an old friend, there felt like a lack of development there. Thus I didn't feel their passion, and that's pretty important to have. I want Rhys to do things and to see things play out. To see the consequences. As another review said, we kind of just learn things through some form of exposition (but also to be fair, we have action here as well). All in all, this is great work. I'm very happy to have read it. Voting is not going to be easy.
Faster than probability? I'm curious as to what you meant by that line. Perhaps the only line that confused me. I'm interested by the word choice if it was on purpose. Regardless, this is one of the best poems here. Punctuation was nicely placed. I adored the video game music choice. If you were going for epic, you certainly succeeded especially with your great use of imagery.
Nice artwork for the title, but that's besides the point. Kataigida being Greek for storm, and then using lightning along with "fingers of Zeus" painted an impressive image in my mind. Imagery is not to be taken lightly by the poet. You certainly grasped that aspect.
There is a deep thread of the meaning of this poem, but I wonder what it is. I'm not quite sure the message of this poem is. Perhaps there is none. In the literal sense I see it as the reader and the world are the audience to a stormy night sky watching in awe at the power of nature the Earth holds (with its weather).
Oh, and lightning described as rebels against the night. Brilliant word choice there. I guess my criticism is that you have these fantastic images, and sometimes you rely on things like "oppressive humidity". While that's good, it pales in comparison to other choices you made. Excellent work, just making my job harder.
Nice artwork for the title, but that's besides the point. Kataigida being Greek for storm, and then using lightning along with "fingers of Zeus" painted an impressive image in my mind. Imagery is not to be taken lightly by the poet. You certainly grasped that aspect.
There is a deep thread of the meaning of this poem, but I wonder what it is. I'm not quite sure the message of this poem is. Perhaps there is none. In the literal sense I see it as the reader and the world are the audience to a stormy night sky watching in awe at the power of nature the Earth holds (with its weather).
Oh, and lightning described as rebels against the night. Brilliant word choice there. I guess my criticism is that you have these fantastic images, and sometimes you rely on things like "oppressive humidity". While that's good, it pales in comparison to other choices you made. Excellent work, just making my job harder.
That was a lot of fun, I have to admit. Seems like you're bringing memories back to everyone when they were little kids enamored by all the fantastic things happening at a fair. The writing is concise, uses imagery well, and hits all those story beats nicely.
Well done here. The flaws rise mostly from it being a short piece. But, perhaps it didn't quite need it. I just wish there was a little more with the wish at the end. Overall, this was cute. You made me smile, and I do love the innocent pure hearted youthful kid storyline. You pulled it off well.
There's not much I have to say here. One of the better entries for sure.
Well done here. The flaws rise mostly from it being a short piece. But, perhaps it didn't quite need it. I just wish there was a little more with the wish at the end. Overall, this was cute. You made me smile, and I do love the innocent pure hearted youthful kid storyline. You pulled it off well.
There's not much I have to say here. One of the better entries for sure.
Like that the name of the song is called expectations and the story is about something that is unexpected. And you stuck closely to the story of the lyrics. Points for that. A clear beginning, middle and end in the structure of conversation.
A conversation based story can really work. You've got the basics down and that's nice. However, I never felt as though I got a personality from any of the guys. They didn't engage me. They all seemed like the same people to me. A bunch of guys who were dark, very harsh and cruel. Laughing at the misfortunes of others. So, that was interesting but it turned me off because they weren't interesting enough for me to put up with the things they said. Maybe having them do things would be nice, or just establish the diversity of their personalities through speech.
Just feel there was more to do here. An interesting idea that could benefit by a longer story.
A conversation based story can really work. You've got the basics down and that's nice. However, I never felt as though I got a personality from any of the guys. They didn't engage me. They all seemed like the same people to me. A bunch of guys who were dark, very harsh and cruel. Laughing at the misfortunes of others. So, that was interesting but it turned me off because they weren't interesting enough for me to put up with the things they said. Maybe having them do things would be nice, or just establish the diversity of their personalities through speech.
Just feel there was more to do here. An interesting idea that could benefit by a longer story.
Work on those typos. Too short for much plot to be happening here. The dialogue felt awkward. Love the song choice. But, I'm not sure how much it fits. Definitely leads to a pumped up scenario.
I appreciate the use of a simulation as a bit of a twist. But I don't think it needed to be at the beginning. You take out all of the stakes. What are the stakes to someone's mind outside of the simulation when they're in the simulation. You die in the real world if you die in the Matrix. Think about things like that.
Characters need to be more well thought out. A clear plot needs to be found. Typos re-worked. Needs to be longer so you can establish these things.
A good idea, just needs to be re-worked.
I appreciate the use of a simulation as a bit of a twist. But I don't think it needed to be at the beginning. You take out all of the stakes. What are the stakes to someone's mind outside of the simulation when they're in the simulation. You die in the real world if you die in the Matrix. Think about things like that.
Characters need to be more well thought out. A clear plot needs to be found. Typos re-worked. Needs to be longer so you can establish these things.
A good idea, just needs to be re-worked.
Be careful of repetitive and redundant writing. Describe different ways someone might smile or smirk. Perhaps it doesn't need to be described again and again. Take advantage of other actions and dialogue. What people say in many ways does define who they are.
I wasn't sure whether I was going to get into your world, but I did. Good job on that. I liked the song. And whoa, that tragic ending was quite the twist. However, I'm not sure I could find many hints within the actual story? I'm not a fan of twists for the sake of having a twist.
Being a deceiver the entire time without hints to the audience feels rushed to me. Watch The Usual Suspects a lot. One of the best twists in cinematic history. Enjoyed the main character, you established her pretty well. A fun story, and you spread out the plot nicely. Not afraid of something tragic happening.
You could definitely benefit from a longer story to give more moments that happen that makes the main character fall for him even harder. Allows us to really connect and also feel just as betrayed at the end.
I wasn't sure whether I was going to get into your world, but I did. Good job on that. I liked the song. And whoa, that tragic ending was quite the twist. However, I'm not sure I could find many hints within the actual story? I'm not a fan of twists for the sake of having a twist.
Being a deceiver the entire time without hints to the audience feels rushed to me. Watch The Usual Suspects a lot. One of the best twists in cinematic history. Enjoyed the main character, you established her pretty well. A fun story, and you spread out the plot nicely. Not afraid of something tragic happening.
You could definitely benefit from a longer story to give more moments that happen that makes the main character fall for him even harder. Allows us to really connect and also feel just as betrayed at the end.
Your first paragraph hung me up. Some repetitive word choices. Structure your use of imagery in a different way that flows more. Though, you were depicting a turbulent storm. In which case, grab a thesaurus and use some writing techniques to give off the chaotic feelings that not only stem from the environment but the character as well.
You did use beautiful imagery. I'm a sucker for the details, especially when they are well crafted. This was a touching entry. I'm lucky to have had two great parents, but I am capable of not only sympathy but also empathy. And that's also credit to you as a writer that I could. You made it easy for me.
On the criticism side… I feel as though your descriptions and using them in relation the character sometimes hit me as a reader right on the nose. Not describing the things that were happening, but when you made the protagonist's emotional state explicitly known with an expository line; I felt that you didn't need that. Stick with showing. Your story is strong mainly because of those images enhancing the touching plot. Good job.
You did use beautiful imagery. I'm a sucker for the details, especially when they are well crafted. This was a touching entry. I'm lucky to have had two great parents, but I am capable of not only sympathy but also empathy. And that's also credit to you as a writer that I could. You made it easy for me.
On the criticism side… I feel as though your descriptions and using them in relation the character sometimes hit me as a reader right on the nose. Not describing the things that were happening, but when you made the protagonist's emotional state explicitly known with an expository line; I felt that you didn't need that. Stick with showing. Your story is strong mainly because of those images enhancing the touching plot. Good job.
Another entry sprinkled in lyrics to the story in the same fashion as you did. I believe it was "Escalation of Two Brothers". It felt awkward in that piece, but you manage to pull it off here. However, at some points it felt strange as well. Especially when some conversations seemed to stop abruptly. Kind of threw me off.
As another review stated, I also would have liked to see you break off more from the story of the song. Much like the "No Place I'd Rather Be" entry. Extremely touching story with many relatable moments for everyone no matter what perspective you look at it from. The mother's, daughter's, husband's, or son's. Being able to see the story from those different viewpoints gives a certain power to the piece.
Just wanted more filled in. Get a feel of your own storytelling. You have a nice writing style and I enjoyed that. Lots of entertaining reads here, and you're added on to the list!
As another review stated, I also would have liked to see you break off more from the story of the song. Much like the "No Place I'd Rather Be" entry. Extremely touching story with many relatable moments for everyone no matter what perspective you look at it from. The mother's, daughter's, husband's, or son's. Being able to see the story from those different viewpoints gives a certain power to the piece.
Just wanted more filled in. Get a feel of your own storytelling. You have a nice writing style and I enjoyed that. Lots of entertaining reads here, and you're added on to the list!
Because this is such an expansive short story in the contest, this will also be my longest review. That was going to happen regardless, it's just so long. And I want to do justice to this piece especially due to how much effort you put forth with this. I'll be breaking it down much like mdk did by cutting it up into the sections/chapters.
So… Comin' right up.
On The Disclaimer: Didn't take Kevra for Hitler although the parallel is certainly there. So no worries there. It's a story, no one should take it for your 'beliefs' or anything. But I understand. Anyway, enough of that. Time to review.
Former Terran Colony Newy Wizna, Republic of Zarmina
A solid start. Great, even. The description of the scene to begin with might have been a bit clunky. Certainly nice touches there. I like the comment of bullets making people forget certain things. However, I just feel as though it was not the smoothest transition into the battle. Felt too slow. Not quite the right pace for the jump.
Anyway. Everything else felt fine. 'Fine' is so not the word for this. Excellently done. A clear visual picture was painted in my mind. Your pacing became delivered in a strong fashion. The introduction of Rudolf was powerful. You made a way for the readers to relate to him in such a simple form. Shock at a graze wound from a bullet. And another soldier who just says "Really gets to you, doesn't it?" So simple, and yet so effective at building Rudolf as our entry piece to hold onto in the story. A man in battle. Experiencing the horrors of war and having his naive beliefs and ideals put to the test.
Good characterization is a great skill. Off to a wonderful start.
Hoffnung Ghetto, Gerechtigkeit
Murtadan people. I loved how you described them. Particularly using the wings on Sarah Haskel's back. A young girl with wings. Such an angelic type of image, and then putting her and others into death camps. Jesus, what a way to take something so beautiful and destroy it. That was a brilliant decision on your part, and you took the idea of human life and bolstered its value. Even though I already personally value human life intensely, you did a great thing by amplifying that feeling here. No one wants to see beautiful things (especially people) destroyed so cruelly.
Good start with this.
Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars
Definitely been stated by others. Use those periods! I have an unhealthy love for commas as well. We're in the same boat. I also liked to use ellipses a lot. Thankfully that's mostly stopped. Anyway, more periods. Less commas in places you don't need them.
Perseans, Perseus Arm. I just love all the Germany and Russia references, etc. Loving this. And the characterization of the people is again, very well done.
Newy Wizna, Conquered Territory
You don't do it often, but there was a moment there where Rudolf speaks about his ideals and beliefs. But you threw in some social commentary about how they don't realize how wrong the things they are saying are. You didn't need to do that. It has already been implied. Trust your audience. It is more powerful by far. Good use on the propaganda that was prevalent during the times of WW2 here. Good Wini intro. The characters are developing… So, yeah. Nice. Onto the next section.
Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World
Just making me hate those Terrans. That's how I should feel. This place, this camp is a brutal and terrible place. A nightmare. Absolute hell and you do a good job of making that clear. Focus more on Lev, rather than the other Murtadans. Most likely, they're feeling a lot similar to what Lev is feeling. We can get the implication through Lev. Your story is so well-built on characters, just keep doing that. Lev is no exception. Ugh. What an awful place… (The camp that is!)
Newy Warszawa, Zarmina, Capital of the Republic of Zarmina
Now that's one hell of an intro to the scene. GREAT WORK THERE. You dragged me right into the action. Gripping from the very start. The stand off between Rudolf and the Zarminian. So much to love here. I just really wish we got to see MORE of his wait to be rescued. That would be such an incredible scene. How horrifying, tense, and harrowing that experience could be. Holding on to dear life, not knowing whether you're going to make it or not. A bit of a rushed ending. This scene is close to perfection. Maybe even think about cutting right after he makes the call. Go to another scene, then pick up on him waiting. That could help the pacing, or doing it in one chapter. I'm not sure.
And character development strikes again! From idealist soldier to just wanting to survive. War is brutal. You've nailed it.
Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars (2)
Damnit, Kevra! Just give it up! Solid scene here, giving us an insight to what is going on at the high command. Everything is falling apart around Kevra and I just know it's not going to end well. She's so blinded and lost in this ideal of 'humanity's best.' Quite sad. Frightening and terrible, and very sad.
Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World (2)
Man, what a tense scene there to start. Making us think Lev is about to bite the bullet. But we meet Alexander. Our hope and Lev's hope in all of this darkness. Want to know more about Alexander.
Nova Terra, Midnight a Month Later
Right mix of action. Great intro to the scene. Had me concerned for Lev and what was going to happen to him. Seeing Alexander again was nice. I'd still love to see more of Alexander. Have you ever watched "The Pianist"? The Alexander character has been done before. We know there were people among the Nazis who did not like (understatement) the genocide at all! If you haven't, watch it. There's a scene there that might be a good reference point for his character.
I just wondered if you might have been going for a parallel with the German soldier in that film. Could be a good reference point.
Earth, Terran Reich Capital
One of those chapters where your writing really hit its stride. You were so on point here. Incredible. Gripping action. Great pacing. I almost feel like you wrote this part of the story the fastest, it just feels like you got so into it. Not that you didn't with the rest of it.
Did you have to kill, Rudolf? Did you really? Damnit man!
Earth, Terran Reich Capital (2)
Whew boy. The meaning of Kevra's name. This one hit me. Hit me hard. I know I shouldn't feel bad for someone who ordered the genocide of a people. But, you wrote Kevra pretty well. I very nearly cried reading this. No way out. No escape. No possible way of repenting. Her entire world falling down around her. The idea of what great things she could have done instead. Haunting and tragic.
What a conclusion. Wow.
Final Verdict
Alright. Can't believe we're finally here.
We'll start at your notes: I can definitely see how you wanted more to do with Alexander. Nature of the deadline, and yours was pretty last minute if I remember correctly. Just re-work the story. PLAY WITH THIS. It's very good, don't forget about it.
I love how in depth you went with your research. Definitely can tell it's a passion of yours. Your passionate writing comes through and makes this piece great. Hah, I actually google translated that immediately once I read it. Made me more sad. Way to go man.
Love the meaning of Kevra's name, and the many names in the story. Meaningful. It adds layers to your story.
Now onto the actual final verdict. Great story. Well written. The characters were real, I could get in their heads, their feet. Feel their emotions. And they grew. They developed, for better or for worse. You made me care, which is so friggin' crucial. Though you definitely could do more. Alexander stands out. I kind of wish we had more of Kevra. I feel her scenes could have been longer. The development to her epiphany more… believable? Not quite sure that's the word I'm looking for. I already was sad when she shot herself, but giving us more could have made that moment stand out all the more.
What happened to Sarah? I know we followed Lev. I'm assuming she's just dead. Which sucks. So hard. I kind of liked that we don't know what happened there but you've left it to our imagination which is nothing but DARK!
The main criticisms. Hmm. Social commentary can be cool, but you don't need it with Rudolf when he talks of his ideals and beliefs. Just leave that out. Imply through action and dialogue. I got it when I read it. I didn't need the hammer on the nose.
Commas. STOP USING THEM SO MUCH! Lol, I know you've been told a million times. It's okay. You're allowed mistakes as is everyone else. Especially on such a friggin' fantastic entry. This story could use touch ups on Alexander. Build up more upon Rudolf's harrowing wait for rescue. Maybe more of Kevra.
Don't know what else I could critique. We can ALWAYS improve. A lot of the time your pacing is ON POINT. Sometimes, it can feel a bit clunky at the start. Like the beginning of the first section, it's a minor complaint. Building up a peaceful start and then bam! But, I don't know if that was the right direction to go.
As said before, the call for rescue and then the sudden rescue for Rudolf was too fast. Too jumpy. Slow it down. Build up that harrowing scene. You made it difficult for Rudolf to survive, DO NOT GO EASY ON HIM EVER.
Rudolf was definitely well developed. Kevra had her shining moments. Wini. Alexander. I think a few brush ups could help. Especially for Alexander, AND Lev. Sometimes I feel like you didn't focus on Lev enough. He's our channel into that horrible world. He's the human connection. Take advantage of that.
My final verdict? Holy crap. Way to go! This was incredible. You've made my decision on what to vote for very easy.
So… Comin' right up.
On The Disclaimer: Didn't take Kevra for Hitler although the parallel is certainly there. So no worries there. It's a story, no one should take it for your 'beliefs' or anything. But I understand. Anyway, enough of that. Time to review.
Former Terran Colony Newy Wizna, Republic of Zarmina
A solid start. Great, even. The description of the scene to begin with might have been a bit clunky. Certainly nice touches there. I like the comment of bullets making people forget certain things. However, I just feel as though it was not the smoothest transition into the battle. Felt too slow. Not quite the right pace for the jump.
Anyway. Everything else felt fine. 'Fine' is so not the word for this. Excellently done. A clear visual picture was painted in my mind. Your pacing became delivered in a strong fashion. The introduction of Rudolf was powerful. You made a way for the readers to relate to him in such a simple form. Shock at a graze wound from a bullet. And another soldier who just says "Really gets to you, doesn't it?" So simple, and yet so effective at building Rudolf as our entry piece to hold onto in the story. A man in battle. Experiencing the horrors of war and having his naive beliefs and ideals put to the test.
Good characterization is a great skill. Off to a wonderful start.
Hoffnung Ghetto, Gerechtigkeit
Murtadan people. I loved how you described them. Particularly using the wings on Sarah Haskel's back. A young girl with wings. Such an angelic type of image, and then putting her and others into death camps. Jesus, what a way to take something so beautiful and destroy it. That was a brilliant decision on your part, and you took the idea of human life and bolstered its value. Even though I already personally value human life intensely, you did a great thing by amplifying that feeling here. No one wants to see beautiful things (especially people) destroyed so cruelly.
Good start with this.
Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars
Definitely been stated by others. Use those periods! I have an unhealthy love for commas as well. We're in the same boat. I also liked to use ellipses a lot. Thankfully that's mostly stopped. Anyway, more periods. Less commas in places you don't need them.
Perseans, Perseus Arm. I just love all the Germany and Russia references, etc. Loving this. And the characterization of the people is again, very well done.
Newy Wizna, Conquered Territory
You don't do it often, but there was a moment there where Rudolf speaks about his ideals and beliefs. But you threw in some social commentary about how they don't realize how wrong the things they are saying are. You didn't need to do that. It has already been implied. Trust your audience. It is more powerful by far. Good use on the propaganda that was prevalent during the times of WW2 here. Good Wini intro. The characters are developing… So, yeah. Nice. Onto the next section.
Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World
Just making me hate those Terrans. That's how I should feel. This place, this camp is a brutal and terrible place. A nightmare. Absolute hell and you do a good job of making that clear. Focus more on Lev, rather than the other Murtadans. Most likely, they're feeling a lot similar to what Lev is feeling. We can get the implication through Lev. Your story is so well-built on characters, just keep doing that. Lev is no exception. Ugh. What an awful place… (The camp that is!)
Newy Warszawa, Zarmina, Capital of the Republic of Zarmina
Now that's one hell of an intro to the scene. GREAT WORK THERE. You dragged me right into the action. Gripping from the very start. The stand off between Rudolf and the Zarminian. So much to love here. I just really wish we got to see MORE of his wait to be rescued. That would be such an incredible scene. How horrifying, tense, and harrowing that experience could be. Holding on to dear life, not knowing whether you're going to make it or not. A bit of a rushed ending. This scene is close to perfection. Maybe even think about cutting right after he makes the call. Go to another scene, then pick up on him waiting. That could help the pacing, or doing it in one chapter. I'm not sure.
And character development strikes again! From idealist soldier to just wanting to survive. War is brutal. You've nailed it.
Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars (2)
Damnit, Kevra! Just give it up! Solid scene here, giving us an insight to what is going on at the high command. Everything is falling apart around Kevra and I just know it's not going to end well. She's so blinded and lost in this ideal of 'humanity's best.' Quite sad. Frightening and terrible, and very sad.
Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World (2)
Man, what a tense scene there to start. Making us think Lev is about to bite the bullet. But we meet Alexander. Our hope and Lev's hope in all of this darkness. Want to know more about Alexander.
Nova Terra, Midnight a Month Later
Right mix of action. Great intro to the scene. Had me concerned for Lev and what was going to happen to him. Seeing Alexander again was nice. I'd still love to see more of Alexander. Have you ever watched "The Pianist"? The Alexander character has been done before. We know there were people among the Nazis who did not like (understatement) the genocide at all! If you haven't, watch it. There's a scene there that might be a good reference point for his character.
I just wondered if you might have been going for a parallel with the German soldier in that film. Could be a good reference point.
Earth, Terran Reich Capital
One of those chapters where your writing really hit its stride. You were so on point here. Incredible. Gripping action. Great pacing. I almost feel like you wrote this part of the story the fastest, it just feels like you got so into it. Not that you didn't with the rest of it.
Did you have to kill, Rudolf? Did you really? Damnit man!
Earth, Terran Reich Capital (2)
Whew boy. The meaning of Kevra's name. This one hit me. Hit me hard. I know I shouldn't feel bad for someone who ordered the genocide of a people. But, you wrote Kevra pretty well. I very nearly cried reading this. No way out. No escape. No possible way of repenting. Her entire world falling down around her. The idea of what great things she could have done instead. Haunting and tragic.
What a conclusion. Wow.
Final Verdict
Alright. Can't believe we're finally here.
We'll start at your notes: I can definitely see how you wanted more to do with Alexander. Nature of the deadline, and yours was pretty last minute if I remember correctly. Just re-work the story. PLAY WITH THIS. It's very good, don't forget about it.
I love how in depth you went with your research. Definitely can tell it's a passion of yours. Your passionate writing comes through and makes this piece great. Hah, I actually google translated that immediately once I read it. Made me more sad. Way to go man.
Love the meaning of Kevra's name, and the many names in the story. Meaningful. It adds layers to your story.
Now onto the actual final verdict. Great story. Well written. The characters were real, I could get in their heads, their feet. Feel their emotions. And they grew. They developed, for better or for worse. You made me care, which is so friggin' crucial. Though you definitely could do more. Alexander stands out. I kind of wish we had more of Kevra. I feel her scenes could have been longer. The development to her epiphany more… believable? Not quite sure that's the word I'm looking for. I already was sad when she shot herself, but giving us more could have made that moment stand out all the more.
What happened to Sarah? I know we followed Lev. I'm assuming she's just dead. Which sucks. So hard. I kind of liked that we don't know what happened there but you've left it to our imagination which is nothing but DARK!
The main criticisms. Hmm. Social commentary can be cool, but you don't need it with Rudolf when he talks of his ideals and beliefs. Just leave that out. Imply through action and dialogue. I got it when I read it. I didn't need the hammer on the nose.
Commas. STOP USING THEM SO MUCH! Lol, I know you've been told a million times. It's okay. You're allowed mistakes as is everyone else. Especially on such a friggin' fantastic entry. This story could use touch ups on Alexander. Build up more upon Rudolf's harrowing wait for rescue. Maybe more of Kevra.
Don't know what else I could critique. We can ALWAYS improve. A lot of the time your pacing is ON POINT. Sometimes, it can feel a bit clunky at the start. Like the beginning of the first section, it's a minor complaint. Building up a peaceful start and then bam! But, I don't know if that was the right direction to go.
As said before, the call for rescue and then the sudden rescue for Rudolf was too fast. Too jumpy. Slow it down. Build up that harrowing scene. You made it difficult for Rudolf to survive, DO NOT GO EASY ON HIM EVER.
Rudolf was definitely well developed. Kevra had her shining moments. Wini. Alexander. I think a few brush ups could help. Especially for Alexander, AND Lev. Sometimes I feel like you didn't focus on Lev enough. He's our channel into that horrible world. He's the human connection. Take advantage of that.
My final verdict? Holy crap. Way to go! This was incredible. You've made my decision on what to vote for very easy.
Well. They might not be eligible for a vote, however I felt like reviewing these anyway because they were enjoyable reads.
What a lovely piece of music. That was so beautiful. I can see how the piece was entirely inspired by the music. Sometimes the song seemed peaceful and then it built up to those high powered, fast paced sequences with dark tones. Great choice of music for the entry. It matched so well with the story itself.
Particularly, in relation to the song; you nailed the pacing. That's a hard thing to do. I'm impressed on how you pulled this off. Segumir was an interesting character I'd like to know somewhat more of. Guess that's what happens with a very short story with limited time to spend on those things.
Loved that Segumir has telepathy. Immense mind powers are a lot of fun. Great imagery on everyone screaming and scratching their heads. A pretty horrifying image there.
I just wanted more. There was more to learn from Segumir. More to learn from her motivations and desires. Sad and depressing that she has to cause suffering to find peace. You could develop this into a great longer story! Good stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
Particularly, in relation to the song; you nailed the pacing. That's a hard thing to do. I'm impressed on how you pulled this off. Segumir was an interesting character I'd like to know somewhat more of. Guess that's what happens with a very short story with limited time to spend on those things.
Loved that Segumir has telepathy. Immense mind powers are a lot of fun. Great imagery on everyone screaming and scratching their heads. A pretty horrifying image there.
I just wanted more. There was more to learn from Segumir. More to learn from her motivations and desires. Sad and depressing that she has to cause suffering to find peace. You could develop this into a great longer story! Good stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
Slightly confused by the genders at first. BUT, I do believe I got it as I went a long. Not a major issue. I was confused by the switches to first person. I feel like you should space those out in a different paragraph, but it didn't hamper me for long. I got used to them after a while.
Thoroughly depressing story. Going with a pretty sad song as well. Jeez. Just an all around kind of downer story. Except the ending was somewhat bittersweet because they'll be reunited in the after life.
I think I caught a few typos around in here at a bunch of places. Be sure to fix those. The biggest problem with the piece are these emotions the characters feel for each other. What happened to Tyrael? I might have missed that while reading. Otherwise, yes, the feelings of the character. They felt forced and underdeveloped. Hyped without any meaningful interactions that made me believe in the actual weight of their care for others. Work on that. Take a look at this story, because it has potential. And you as a writer do too.
A fun read. Thank you.
Thoroughly depressing story. Going with a pretty sad song as well. Jeez. Just an all around kind of downer story. Except the ending was somewhat bittersweet because they'll be reunited in the after life.
I think I caught a few typos around in here at a bunch of places. Be sure to fix those. The biggest problem with the piece are these emotions the characters feel for each other. What happened to Tyrael? I might have missed that while reading. Otherwise, yes, the feelings of the character. They felt forced and underdeveloped. Hyped without any meaningful interactions that made me believe in the actual weight of their care for others. Work on that. Take a look at this story, because it has potential. And you as a writer do too.
A fun read. Thank you.
UPDATE: HOLY CRAP I'M DONE!
5x Like
@Dark Wind
His, him. The main character is male. (This is in Go West).
Do you have any feedback on how to make that more obvious?
His, him. The main character is male. (This is in Go West).
Do you have any feedback on how to make that more obvious?
Syben Digital Ghost
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
@Dark Wind
His, him. The main character is male. (This is in Go West).
Do you have any feedback on how to make that more obvious?
You may want to reread Go West. The only times a gender specific pronoun is used is when referring to the side character, the boyfriend. The main character has no description and no gender specific qualities or identifiers. In fact, it is definitely implied that this is a homosexual love story from when the main character expresses their fear of their significant other leaving them for "a girl". Not, "another girl." But really, it's left up into interpretation for the reader.
Feedback? Gender specific descriptions, pronouns, or just details in general.
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
@Dark Wind
His, him. The main character is male. (This is in Go West).
Do you have any feedback on how to make that more obvious?
Hah! I knew I forgot something in my review. I actually meant to ask that. Sorry that I made the assumption it was a she (I will edit that immediately). Aeonumbra pretty much covered the things you could do. Though, I don't know if I agree that "a girl" serves as a concrete and unbreakable implication of a homosexual romance. However, no need to break out into discussion over it here.
But yes, added details. They don't have to be right in front of my face either. It could be an implied homosexual romance story with you throwing in hints. Perhaps the father threw out the main character because he is gay? There might be a way to imply that.
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
5 days ago
Wow. I applaud you, @PlatinumSkink, for getting all your reviews done so fast.
Sat most of the day to do it.
@PlatinumSkink I'm impressed, and thank you for the review! No offense taken here.
You're welcome~
And, @PlatinumSkink, no offence taken at all. I entered this more for improving my writing than to win, and the only way to do that is to get negative or constructive feedback :P People IRL tend to give me too much positive feedback which really doesn't help when I know in the grand scheme of things I'm not that good a writer -.- So really I'm more saying thank you for the review, even though negative (though my reaction might have been worse if I was in a less neutral/emotionless mood but still, thanks)
Heh. You're welcome.
In particular, Platinum I noticed you may have sugarcoated (from what I can tell) your opinion on some of mine. No need for it, bring it on!! XDI have no idea which one is yours (or any of the previous two's either for that matter). If you'd like me to read it again and see what I say, PM which one it is. I mean, if it is clear I didn't like it, then it is probably not one of the two I'm thinking of voting between, anyway.
His, him. The main character is male. (This is in Go West).
Do you have any feedback on how to make that more obvious?
... Wait, what? It was a guy? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Huh. Perhaps "My father threw me out today. His own son." or something to that degree. ... Not sure what this changes with the entry, though.
OP
First-ish batch (I did Never Forget already, but I’m getting to the others as well). I figured I’d start from the bottom and work my way up, just to be different, so that’s the order I’m going in – the rest of the crew is working on comments as well. AS PER USUAL remember these are comments from an internet moron who’s just trying to help – take them only for what they’re worth, and if anything sounds too disparaging (or if you just disagree), ignore at will. Also just for the record (though I’m sure it doesn’t need to be said) these comments have nothing at all to do with the voting or staff picks or any other remotely official anything – I’ve been leaving critiques since ancient old-guild contests, these are no different. Whew. Okay, hope these help (if I didn’t get to you yet, I will – hopefully in the next day or two)
--round two--
--short break for March Madness purposes, I'll finish up the rest momentarily! --
3/31 batch
--4/1 edition--
I meant to finish the rest last night but no bullcrap, I almost hit a stray dog with my car on the way home and I wound up taking care of her all damn night long. Kept trying to fight my other dogs -- it required a lot of attention. SO! On we march, a day late, a dollar short, but finishing it all right now.
DONE AND DONE except for our bonus entries, which I really want to get to, so.... later tonight, I bet, I'll leave some lesser thoughts on those. Guys -- this was a blast. I know I've said it like a hundred times, but that's only because I really mean it -- I'm so thrilled with this contest, not because of anything I did, but because of what you guys brought to the table. You nailed this thing. I could die happy right now, I mean, if I'd finished that novel I've been working on, so I guess dying will have to wait, but seriously. Thank you for partcipating. Let me say again for the record, if I've rubbed any of you the wrong way, please for the love of god ignore me, I'm just some moron on the internet who likes reading your stuff, and in all cases I only mean well. Now that I'm done with reviews it's time to start lining up the next round, and for real now, I hope every single one of you comes back. Thanks again, and keep on writing.
I really like this one. It’s obviously *super*-heavily drawn from the song, but you add a lot to it as well. I will say that it’s maybe just a bit more reliant on Reba’s storyline than I’d like, which makes it hard to talk much about the pacing and the plot and all that…. But that’s kind of the point of the entry, and it’s not just fine, it’s really well-executed. It’s partly because it’s just a really good, emotional song choice, sure, but you carried that emotion further and tied it to a really strong story. The only thing I can think to improve it is to adopt a little more of Reba’s dialect as you’re writing – the “Gotta’s” and the “gonna’s” and whatnot contrast a bit with your natural writing voice. Normally I’d say do what comes naturally, but in this kind of piece, you sort of want to Reba-ize yourself, I think. Anyway it’s really good, and it’s a homerun on the contest theme, so all in all, very well done.
LOVE the story! I don’t know if it’s just my reading speed or if it was all deliberate – I assume the latter mostly – but this lined up pretty much perfectly with the music as I read. I assume (like most music) that the song is meant for a romantic interest, and your choice to make it about a mother instead is incredibly poignant. THAT SAID – we can work on the writing style just a bit, because this is really rife with passive language (like every writer ever has always done at some point, don’t feel bad). In the flashback portions it’s fine – memories are things that ‘have happened,’ and that’s appropriate. But for instance, storm clouds aren’t things that should ‘be rushed forward,’ they should simply ‘rush forwards’ (or the wind should ‘rush them forwards,’ or however you prefer to say it). I don’t want to cherry-pick them all, but it’s such an easy trap to fall into – you almost want to do a dedicated proofreading just for passive voice, because for pretty much any author, it’s there, somewhere, hiding, in just about every first draft you’ll ever write. Okay, enough about that. The pacing worked really well I think in part because of the music – in the future I’d worry a little about spending quite so much time on the beach before coming into the bar for so short a time, but for this entry and for this contest, it was perfect, I think. Great job. This reads almost like it could be a script for a music video – it totally captures the music and takes it somewhere spiritually where the song didn’t go on its own. A really strong addition.
Straight up – I was put off at first glance by the setting, because I know nothing at all about it. Didn’t matter. This turned into an exciting story – action, romance, deception, tragedy. A great arc, pulled off flawlessly. In short – your story was great! So when I’m looking for things to work on, I turn to the writing style. You’ve got your own, and it’s robust – we get a nice mix of dialogue, internal thoughts, and action, in a variety of settings, and it holds up pretty well in all of them. The one thing I’ll say is that the action sequences, at times, drag – and here’s why. Move-by-move swordfighting is incredibly hard to write – way harder than people realize, and I think that’s why a lot of writers just plain don’t do it (me included, if I can help it). The pacing is hopeless when you have to explain “a vertical slash, block, a horizontal slash, dodge, another vertical slash, dodge, thrust, parry, thrust, thrust, dodge, dodge, block, kick, slash, slash, slash, slash, slash….” Everything about the heart-pumping battle you’re seeing in your head is exciting, but then when you’re forced to chain it down on paper, it slows everything down to like chemistry-textbook levels of adrenaline. Brutal. One trick I use is to skip *everything* that isn’t mind-blowingly cool – so the scene might go something like “They fought, trading blows, until Dirk did a sweet somersault into an exploding helicopter and stabbed the fire in its heart, absorbing its energy.” ….okay, not like that. But what I mean is, there’s a line somewhere between describing a visceral fight and blocking out movements for a dance recital. The line is hard to find, but good news, all it takes is loads and loads of practice. But if you want to skip all that, you can (pretty much everybody famous already does!) and just fall back on your characters and plot-arcs and twists. The blow-by-blow stuff is just a decoration on a ship that could sail just fine without it. Overall your story is fantastic – I don’t know if I said it already three times, but this is a picture-perfect plot arc. Almost makes me want to figure out what a monster girl is! Oh and since I didn’t bring it up – the music adds like a whole level of irony to the story that just puts it on a whole other level (plus I love that song). Nice work.
Okay so, what this entry does is sort of establish a cool setting. It’s laying the groundwork for what (I think) could be a really gritty action story – but in just three weeks, I don’t think you really had time to get to the story. Which is a shame, because the world you’re setting up has loads of potential, and the players are actually pretty interesting, despite the brevity. The trouble is, the scope of what you’re trying to do here (honestly this looks like it could be the opening scene of a 2-hour action flick) – it’s just too wide. This is normal. Imaginations are big and deadlines have very small windows – it’s hard to fit everything through them. Stories like (I think) the one you’re trying to do here simply need waaaay more time and attention than we were able to give. Moving on – the style needs some cleaning up (which, once again, is normal and everybody needs to hear it at some point). Some of the formatting stuff, like the paragraph breaks, is only a problem because of the forum style – don’t sweat that stuff. Instead think about things like how to better showcase the equipment – it’s onething to have the tech guy explain “This is a PTD, these two guns have to be close to one another or they don’t shoot, this pen explodes if you click it three times,” etc. To a reader, none of that stuff makes sense until we see it in practice – does someone grab one of Jack’s pistols and try to shoot him with it? Ha – it doesn’t work from there! Now that’s a relevant detail to the story. Does he click on the PTD and then start running, and Headquarters can track his movements and compliment how good he is at parkour? Now it’s relevant. There’s not many hard-and-fast rules about how to write effectively, but one that might help you out is called Chekhov’s gun. Once you understand the rule, and why it’s a rule, it’s totally okay to break the rules. That’s what makes writing so fun. Still, they’re there for a reason. Anyway, look, it’s not the best stand-alone story (in no small part because the story was way too big to even really get started), but the next one is going to be better, and the next one, and the next one. Keep at it! If I could give one suggestion just for contest purposes, it does help to focus a little more tightly on just one or two really strong scenes – the whole ‘part of a larger narrative’ element is a really awesome thing in general, but with contest constraints and a diverse, busy crowd of voters, it just doesn’t do as well here. I was really stubborn about that during WOTM, but learning how to focus on small pictures helps a lot when you go on to write bigger things later.
Sort of a weird song choice for diner cops, but I’ll take your word for it. The story is fun (in a sick sort of way) and miserably dark and ironic, and I freaking love it. From the hateful banter to the crash ticket, I really like it. What’s unique and interesting here is that, even though the guys in the diner are the only people we meet, it’s really not a story about them at all – they’re just an elaborate framing device for LA bitch and crashbro. I think you could potentially do more with that – pacing-wise, plot-wise, we don’t really hit the stride until like halfway through. Which, I mean, realistically speaking that’s sort of how conversations like this work, but for reading purposes you could probably tighten up on the bitch’s story a little more. Marcus’s reactions and mockeries add a ton to the narrative – like, seriously, he’s such a fantastic mouthpiece for all this, I can’t stress that enough – could we maybe break up that big monologue with some more Marcus-isms? I figure the more of him we see, snark and all, the better (and the other guys too, we don’t get much out of them). There’s some syntax stuff that could be cleaner, too, but it honestly doesn’t detract much from the whole thing. On the whole this is one hell of a clever way to tell a story, and I think you made it work perfectly. Hats freaking off.
Delightful. Absolutely delightful. It’s childish and whimsical and downright perfect, on its own or with the song (but especially with the song). The way everything is written feels just like I’m the little boy at the fair. THAT SAID – for as much as I love everything about this story (I actually beamed the whole time I was reading and I’m not sure why), there’s a teensie-tiny but recurring problem with sentence structure. For I think the first time ever I think I want more commas – in spots like ‘the man was gone, comma, and the woman stood straight and tall.’ Or ‘each pin tumbled over, comma, as if they had been waiting their whole existence…’ It’s not so much that you’re doing anything wrong per se, but periodically as I’m reading (and grinning like an idiot at a carnival), I hit a sentence that just isn’t doing everything it can (in what’s otherwise a well-oiled magic machine), and it stood out as probably the only thing I could possibly criticize. It’s a small mark on a supremely positive review – this is gold right here. Blew me away.
Near as I can tell, ‘Kataigida’ means ‘Storm,’ which, I mean, duh, I really shouldn’t have had to google that, but sometimes I’m slow. Fits great with the score. If you wanted – and I’m not saying you should – you could almost add in some line breaks to the poem, to indicate to the readers when they’re supposed to hold up for a minute and let the music catch up (but that’s not necessary or probably even smart, I’m just saying you COULD). The word choice is magnificent (I think that’s the right word!) throughout, with one minor grammatical exception (I would argue that ‘The atmosphere choked’ is more powerful than ‘the atmosphere IS choked’). The only other hangup I’ve got is ‘Faster than probability,’ which seems like it needs an explanation but it’s gone in a flash. Back to generalities – this is powerful language in a fittingly compact and haphazard form, paired with excellent music and holy crap how about the artwork too?! You’re really hitting on all cylinders. What else is there to say? This is excellent. Majestic even.
--round two--
Love the descriptions of things and people -- they're detailed, but in interesting and clever ways (like "sunburst yellow flamingo pink, midday blue..."). Some incomplete thoughts like "If there was somebody I never wanted to see me like this..." Why not? Rhys is an interesting character -- the trouble is that she doesn't so much grow or develop over the course of the story -- we just find out more things about her, slowly, as the narrative goes on. It could be better if, for example, she wasn't sure whether or not she ought to run away at the beginning, but gradually talks herself into it -- or perhaps if Meldie wasn't actually an old friend, but reminded her of her old consort, and she came to love him the same way. It sort of just.... stands there, as it is, this is a situation that exists in a cool setting with great mood and lots of potential in the characters, but it's not going very far as a plot (though to be fair, a lot of that is because you're following the song lyrics very closely -- but the added plot elements aren't adding quite enough). Okay, that's plenty mean... You don't deserve such a negative tone, this was brilliant writing. Great style. We get to see your writing voice both in first person and third, and it's very strong. Maybe it could do with a deeper plot, but plots are easy to fix -- you're doing the hard stuff very well. Also in the spirit of the contest theme, this does perfectly capture the song. A fine entry.
Glowing reviews all around, and you deserve them! This was beautiful. I listened to the music as I read and it's hard to imagine a more perfect fit. You're not just carrying the message and the feeling, you're creating a response -- and a great one, too. If I have to find one complaint, it's that -- every once in a while, but more than once -- your natural style is taking over and overriding her voice. Lines like 'the icy numbness' or 'the turbulent seas' -- they're great images but they feel abnormal for the narrator to be saying. Mind you, that's a pretty good problem to have -- you're essentially writing too well for the speaker, and fixing that means.... well, not deliberately 'writing worse,' but you have to sort of make an effort to really stay inside her head, and resist the perfect images if they're not images she would say right at that moment. Then again maybe they ARE things she would say, and I'm mistaking what's natural. In that case it's pretty much on me, but you can help me out by using that sort of imagery even more often. Anyway. When I can nit-pick something that advanced, it means you're in really good shape, as if I even had to say it.... this is an exceptional story, and it hits a grand-slam on the contest theme. Remarkable.
It's brutal, it's dark, it's exciting, and the music suits it nicely. I think the style could be a little more.... deliberate, I guess? There's lots of extra stuff thrown in for flavor, and it tastes good, but it's not adding much to the whole piece. For example, the framing device -- the interrogation/interview parts -- are cool because they look forwards a bit, but it's nothing that you couldn't have done just by finishing the slaughter and thinking about the future. Adding the leaders into the mix just slows down the pacing, which is already a little slower than it needs to be -- the conflict is boxed into just a handful of lines, and then when it finally happens, it's being explained like a conversation instead of staying visceral and bloody and brutal like you want. The short version is, you sorta need to cook off some of the fat here.... there's enough extraneous elements jammed in there that it's really getting in the way of the story. Still -- you did a great job of expressing the mood and riling up the bloodlust for a very satisfying kill. It's good, it's just not polished is all.
It's hard to decide what the conflict is in this poem, and that's... not super. You're using interesting imagery, especially with 'sticking the webs back together' and all that, but it's.... I don't know, missing something. Poetry has to really, really hang together cohesively, and this doesn't really do that. That could be done cleverly in a poem about unraveling, if for instance your words and sentences gradually got more scatterbained and bizarre as it went on. Instead it's all these different emotions like confusion and fear and paranoia that never really came together in the first place, and they sort of have to do that. I think it would work better if you really focused on one potent thing and hammered it hard and explored it fully. It's..... ugh, I hate leaving the review like this, but it's the danger you run with poetry. I can't talk much about pacing or characters or anything like that.... it's just sort of exposed and vulnerable because it's so short, and when something like this doesn't come together well, there's just not enough else to talk about. Sorry! Hang in there though, poetry is brutal, don't feel bad.
--short break for March Madness purposes, I'll finish up the rest momentarily! --
3/31 batch
My feelings about this story changed dramatically as it went on, for the (significantly) better. It's a bit of a diamond-in-the-rough, I think, which is good and bad -- I mean diamonds are fantastic, but why rough, you know? It feels like three different pieces stapled together by a loose narrative, and I'm not crazy about that except that they all sort of build on one another, and deconstruct one another, and like.... when it's all said and done, everything DOES matter, everything IS relevant to the story, but just not in a way that's clear as you're going along. And that's..... that's kind of a diamond, and kind of rough too, I guess. It's hard to nail down my feelings.
Let's start with the first phase of the story, in the apartment -- when I'm reading that it seems like everything is entirely too poetic in style. I mean it's one thing for Aily to be out of place in her home, but it reads like "Oh, this is just another author showing off author-stuff." But it's not that. It's not that at all. You're actually setting the stage for this gradual departure into, frankly, free-verse poetry in the third section.... and it's so damn cool that you can do that. But if I'm honest, when I started the story the feeling wasn't positive, because it wasn't clear where you were going, because you were being subtle and artistic. I don't want to say "Be less subtle and artistic," that's not a good rule to follow. But the flowery language in the dull setting is a little grating and I'm not sure what I'd do about that, because by the end, I'm glad this section is here. I.... I want to give advice on how to make this better for readers but I can't. Maybe just stating the impression will help you think of something? I hope so.
Second section (in the elevator) is where I started to grasp where the story was going, and I fell in love right away. This is where, it felt like to me, you were hitting your natural writing style. It's not dressed up anymore, it's just raw and frank and still strangely poetic. GREAT! I feel physically assaulted by the other elevator passengers, just like Aily. There's stuff I would write differently but that's only because I'm not YOU -- this section is all you, and it's working for me.
Third section is where you blew my socks off, and where the other parts came together. A wild Aily appears, observe it in its natural environment, see how it behaves, how it thinks. Damn the paragraph, damn the narrative, you're in a brain now, witness synapses. This is so cool. Part of me wishes that section three was all you did -- and the bigger part of me says no, it unifies the rest of the story, and the rest of the story adds important context.
So this review got long. I'll wrap it up like this -- your story here is pretty one-of-a-kind. Writing that way is dangerous and bold, and you should continue doing it as often as possible, knowing that sometimes it won't make sense to readers. That said, in the interest of development and growth, you should also try writing...... well I don't want to say "More commercial" fiction, but "more conventional" perhaps, because that's easier to share and appreciate. I like your voice in the elevator segment best, in terms of average-every-day storytelling, and I like your voice in the last segment as poetry. The first is a strange juxtaposition and I'm not crazy about it, even though it serves a purpose in this story. Overall -- it's definitely a diamond here, I'm sure about that much, and even though I'm not positive that I know how to polish it, it does feel a bit rough. Rough, but extremely valuable. POOP I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE THEME -- kind of a cool 80s vibe in the song that matches up nicely with the peripheral characters, moreso than with Aily. It's almost ironic, much as I hate that word... it sets a stage and she hates the stage, and that's a really cool way to approach it. Okay, I'm done. Remember -- diamond!
Let's start with the first phase of the story, in the apartment -- when I'm reading that it seems like everything is entirely too poetic in style. I mean it's one thing for Aily to be out of place in her home, but it reads like "Oh, this is just another author showing off author-stuff." But it's not that. It's not that at all. You're actually setting the stage for this gradual departure into, frankly, free-verse poetry in the third section.... and it's so damn cool that you can do that. But if I'm honest, when I started the story the feeling wasn't positive, because it wasn't clear where you were going, because you were being subtle and artistic. I don't want to say "Be less subtle and artistic," that's not a good rule to follow. But the flowery language in the dull setting is a little grating and I'm not sure what I'd do about that, because by the end, I'm glad this section is here. I.... I want to give advice on how to make this better for readers but I can't. Maybe just stating the impression will help you think of something? I hope so.
Second section (in the elevator) is where I started to grasp where the story was going, and I fell in love right away. This is where, it felt like to me, you were hitting your natural writing style. It's not dressed up anymore, it's just raw and frank and still strangely poetic. GREAT! I feel physically assaulted by the other elevator passengers, just like Aily. There's stuff I would write differently but that's only because I'm not YOU -- this section is all you, and it's working for me.
Third section is where you blew my socks off, and where the other parts came together. A wild Aily appears, observe it in its natural environment, see how it behaves, how it thinks. Damn the paragraph, damn the narrative, you're in a brain now, witness synapses. This is so cool. Part of me wishes that section three was all you did -- and the bigger part of me says no, it unifies the rest of the story, and the rest of the story adds important context.
So this review got long. I'll wrap it up like this -- your story here is pretty one-of-a-kind. Writing that way is dangerous and bold, and you should continue doing it as often as possible, knowing that sometimes it won't make sense to readers. That said, in the interest of development and growth, you should also try writing...... well I don't want to say "More commercial" fiction, but "more conventional" perhaps, because that's easier to share and appreciate. I like your voice in the elevator segment best, in terms of average-every-day storytelling, and I like your voice in the last segment as poetry. The first is a strange juxtaposition and I'm not crazy about it, even though it serves a purpose in this story. Overall -- it's definitely a diamond here, I'm sure about that much, and even though I'm not positive that I know how to polish it, it does feel a bit rough. Rough, but extremely valuable. POOP I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE THEME -- kind of a cool 80s vibe in the song that matches up nicely with the peripheral characters, moreso than with Aily. It's almost ironic, much as I hate that word... it sets a stage and she hates the stage, and that's a really cool way to approach it. Okay, I'm done. Remember -- diamond!
"Thought-provoking" and "powerful" come to mind. It marries well with the playful artisan music to give this, like.... really confusing and credible delusion and puts me right there on the street. You sorta took it apart for a few lines when you brought the junkies back down to reality for a second -- I'm not crazy about that, honestly, I'd rather leave them in their crystal palace, but the moment of clarity isn't really hurting anything much. There's a couple times where word choice comes across a little awkward ("coat of arms that coat our arms" makes sense, but it'd be a stronger metaphor if it was simplified to just "track marks on our wrists, a coat of arms" or something like that -- repetition works too but I'm not crazy about it). Sparse tiny departures aside, the whole poem hangs together so well and draws so much from the music..... It's really, really, amazingly strong poetry here, okay, that's what I'm trying to say. Excellent stuff. You don't need much from me -- I'll tip my hat and say great job. This is great stuff.
This one is harder for me to grasp, because it's (I think intentionally) a little vague about the fall. I've gone over it a bunch of times and compared with the song lyrics, and I feel like I'm getting *sort of* an idea of what's going on narratively, but to be frank I think I need some help to really get it (feel free to discuss -- I mean we're supposed to feign anonymity this contest but it's not a big deal really and I could be more helpful if I could tell what you're going for). Focusing just on the level of poetry and language -- it's really cohesive. There's just one word that leaves me hanging, "Stall" at the end -- I can't really tell what it's supposed to mean from context, partly because I'm having such a hard time sniffing out the context, but on the surface it seems like one of those "Well this word rhymes and it's close to what I want" situations, which I never like. It's nice when things can rhyme, but nicer when the words say what the words are supposed to mean. Maybe this does -- I can't say for sure. Anyway I suspect this whole line of review isn't particularly helpful, sorry. I can tell that you've got the tools to write good poetry, and this honestly could be really great, I just can't arrive at the reason why on my own. Need help. I'd be happy to talk more about it though, if/when you're able to share some authorly insights into it.
--4/1 edition--
I meant to finish the rest last night but no bullcrap, I almost hit a stray dog with my car on the way home and I wound up taking care of her all damn night long. Kept trying to fight my other dogs -- it required a lot of attention. SO! On we march, a day late, a dollar short, but finishing it all right now.
You took the lyrics quite literally and let them carry you through a fast-paced action sequence. Feels almost like you could sub it into the climax of an X-men movie and the action would stand up just fine, and the emotions are strong. I feel like it's missing some characterization -- I mean we have two characters, yes, and their intentions and motivations and feelings are all very clear, but what it's missing is.... well, actually I guess the perfect phrase would be the "Escalation" of the two brothers. The way it's written it's almost like a switch got flipped and they're just boom at this super-high level of power and emotion, but they never go there -- they're just simply there. The reason it's like that is, you've chosen a very high-paced plot and you've stuck with that (as you should), which simply doesn't leave enough time for characters to stop and smell the roses. The flashbacks and memories are crammed into not-enough space, so there's no room to build the characters up like you'd need to do, in order for this to stand alone as a solid short story. It's more like a scene (or scenes) from a movie -- if you'd had a whole movie to sort of weave in all the backstory, it would work a lot better. Which I mean, that's the goal, isn't it -- I think lots of us have aspirations of writing novels and movies and that sort of thing. This is the sort of scene you get to write when you build the situation up properly. On its own, like I said, it's missing the development -- the escalation. Which is ironic enough that I seem to want to repeat it :/ Major points for weaving in the song lyrics naturally. The world seems built around the song, in a good way. It's a big score on the contest theme, and it's a really cool action sequence.
First of all, that's not a song I've ever heard and I had to stop reading so I could listen to it all. Awesome stuff! Okay, on to the story -- so good. It's pure character, raw, and I mean yes, the monologue is pretty much straight out of the lyrics but you made it mean so much more than just the words, I've got no complaints at all. We could talk writing style a little bit -- you slip into passive voice a little more than you should, especially in the first paragraph (which *almost* works, as like a memory device, but even then it's just a bit too much). Most of the writing is raw and powerful, but every now and then the character "had pushed" something instead of just "pushing" it, or whatever, you know? Those little actions are stronger when you're direct about them, and they do need to stay strong (especially with such a strong story to tell). The end left me wishing that the 'spell' had worked completely -- that she'd put down the picture frame on her billionaire CEO desk or something, but you kept it a little more grounded and real -- Big Me is still left with the consequences of her life, and that's.... I mean, wow, that's good. Seriously, wow. I totally would've taken the easy way out if I was writing -- you did way better than I would've done. All in all, positively great. A ding here and there for language but it's almost negligible (ALMOST). You can take care of business in that department, I'm sure. Great job.
Crazy deep poetic storytelling, handling a pretty major question without apologies. That's brave and that's exactly what you needed to do with this story -- and you did it very well. You're walking sort of a middle-road between poetry and prose -- a very interesting road, with lots of room to wander around. The structure you used works on this road -- normally, with typical prose, I would be pretty off-put by writing almost a third of the story inside the character's head, but here it's exactly as it should be. Same goes for the scenery-over-action approach -- this isn't a story about doing things, it's about what you're thinking when you're at these places (or at this place in your life). Because of that, because all the conflict is internal, you get to skip things like actually talking to store owners, or running into someone on the street, or whatever -- they're unnecessary here. Obviously in other pieces, especially in straight-up prose, you need action and interaction, but not here. No this... this is right. I think you could throw in some spicier language here and there, maybe, but this isn't like... Man, reviewing it is almost surreal, because you honestly don't need any help from me, I'm pretty sure. In summary, I loved it. This is one I can sit back and think about, not just because of the story itself or the message, but because of how well it's written. Pretty special stuff right here.
Oh man, finally! I read this one as it came in and I was eager to review it, but I had to work my way up. Okay. The thing that made me excited here is that there are two major elements in your story -- stuff that's fantastic, and stuff that's easy to fix. And I like to pretend that I'm an all-knowing guru who can help you fix the easy stuff, so this is like, heaven for me. First up -- the great parts. Pacing-wise, action-wise, plot-wise, you're knocking it out of the park. There are cool and interesting things happening as the story moves along, and you dwell on them precisely as much as you ought to -- that is, I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how rare that is. You're not drawing out the fights, you're not rushing the infiltration, you're just moving the plot along like a well-oiled machine. Except. The extended flashback -- which, on its own, is every bit as strong as the rest of the story -- doesn't fit in where you put it (which, let's be honest, is everywhere). If you were to highlight everything in italics and press "Delete," your story would be twice as good. If you were to highlight everything *not* in italics and press "Delete," it's.... well maybe not as good as the other half, but better than the whole. Did you catch that? You did so many things so well that it actually got in the way! Writers sign pacts with Beelzebub to have those kinds of problems. The way I see it there are two ways to fix it -- one, swear off flashbacks forever (or for a story or two, whichever comes first) and force yourself to lace all those emotions and all that history into the scene without explicitly writing it all out. A look here, a nod there, a meaningful comment that implies past events.... That's a good talent to have and a great thing to practice. Option two, take that italicized story out, plop it in front of the current scene, and flesh it all out until the two grow together organically. Add some setting in front, and some development in-between, and some conclusion after.... buddy, you've got a novella.
Okay, that's the part I've been dying to say. More generally -- I'm not sure if the song is a great fit (someone else mentioned that in a review already, I agree). Some of the sentences aren't perfect. Some of the interplay between Max and Ashe is a little unclear. Most of both those things is great! I'm just saying it's not without room to polish up a bit. I wouldn't dream of wasting your lines with more setting, as the story currently stands, but if you were to expand it into something longer, there are lots of unanswered questions about the world (and it would make more sense to explain what's up with Enforcers before all this action kicks off -- but only if you've got lots more room to do so). Overall, I mean, what else can I say, you're actually writing too much good stuff for your own good. Appreciate that for a minute. That's wonderful.
Okay, that's the part I've been dying to say. More generally -- I'm not sure if the song is a great fit (someone else mentioned that in a review already, I agree). Some of the sentences aren't perfect. Some of the interplay between Max and Ashe is a little unclear. Most of both those things is great! I'm just saying it's not without room to polish up a bit. I wouldn't dream of wasting your lines with more setting, as the story currently stands, but if you were to expand it into something longer, there are lots of unanswered questions about the world (and it would make more sense to explain what's up with Enforcers before all this action kicks off -- but only if you've got lots more room to do so). Overall, I mean, what else can I say, you're actually writing too much good stuff for your own good. Appreciate that for a minute. That's wonderful.
Atypical poetry is dangerous, keep doing it. There's no meter, and when there's no meter the rhyme is a little cheaper than usual, though not free. Words like "Insane" simply aren't good enough -- even if it sets you up for 'Hiding the pain,' you can't be so broad when you're writing something this concentrated. "Drives nails into my brain," or.... you know, something.... powerful, something graphic and meaningful. Flavor. When you're making a taco with only three ingredients they have to be perfect shreds of lettuce, perfect ground beef. If that taco shell is even just a little bit too hard, you'll know when you bite in. The mask is doing it, the lie is working, the fall, you know, okay, but.... The taco needs more hot sauce, or something, it's just missing that power that it needs. Reading a poem like this should physically hurt me. Maybe put some broken glass in the beef -- shock me, harm me, just don't be... vanilla, you know? Alright, enough. It's a good match to the soundtrack and it's a great subject for poetry, and you shed all the stupid conventions that you didn't need, so you could focus on your theme. But it needs to do more, I guess. Solid effort though. Poetry is hard, because only the most not incorrect words are important for choosing with, or the good flow that can't be interrupted, is.
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More dangerous writing! That's always a good trick to get on my good side right off the bat, incidentally, if anyone's wondering. Write things that have a chance to piss people off, and you're starting from a good place. Of course, I mean, the charming little Kuba isn't ruffling any feathers, but Dad isn't messing around. I mean, I wouldn't mind if he was even MORE blunt about it -- someone tells your little girl that their pop's gonna die, I'd be pretty upset, right? But this portrays a really happy, healthy relationship in a bit of a tough spot. Great musical fit, fine writing throughout -- I'm in critic mode so there was a spot or two of unnecessarily passive voice (spoiler alert: there always is), and it jumped out at me in my current mindset a little, but it's negligible stuff. I like the atmosphere of the story, and the pace -- sets the scene and then gets right to the point, and winds down quickly but comfortably. If I had to gripe (I do, I have to gripe at everyone), the very beginning -- bigger fish to fry, 11-year-old mind, these feel a little out of place, like you weren't quite in the groove yet (I mean, once you hit the groove, the writing is sublime). I have a hundred more good things I could say, but good things are boring, so I'll shuffle on -- nice work, terrific story, brave approach, and hey, it's a story about something worth writing! How cool is that?
boy howdy, speaking of dangerous writing, right? I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH. I. CAN'T. EVEN. PUNCTUATE. Alright, people who might happen by this review -- this is how you write a goddamn verse. If you held anything back on this, it was just to match the rhythm better (but I'm not convinced you held anything back). Frankly you're a shoe-in for the mic drop, even if more people had gone for that angle, this was executed flawlessly -- and that's not saying enough, what else can I say... raw emotion and downright righteous judgment -- you're stomping on a whole bunch of toes that need some stomping. I uh.... I mean, look, poetry is really easy to mess up because all it takes is one little error, and you're boned. You didn't make any errors -- not even little ones. Flawless. Absolutely. Flawless. I should probably say something about the musical inspiration -- I adore the way you turned it on its head. Your lyrics are better than stupid Fallout Boy, did they even hear their own music?
It's worth mentioning that this is one of the creepier/more-clever music videos I've seen in a while. And the music is a perfect match to the story but I don't really feel like.... like you owned it, you know? I mean it's one thing to include lyrics -- that's totally fine, and you included them in ways that made sense and worked. But I guess what I'm saying is, they didn't feel like they became your words, your story -- it's a happy love story that just sorta comes across like most of the other happy love stories. And don't get me wrong -- it's adorable, it's written well, but it's just such a safe story to write. Maybe I just need to come down a bit after reading a few daring pieces in a row, but this story doesn't take a whole lot of chances (the narrator is taking chances, and he's a lot of fun that way I suppose). There's not a lot of conflict to drive things along, and there's not a lot of "unexpected" anything, not that you necessarily NEED such a thing but.... I don't know, it's hard to describe. It's like someone painted a mountain, and then you painted their painting of the mountain. It's fine, it's a good painting and all, it's just.... it's missing that personal touch, which, ironically, should pretty much come naturally, if you let it. I could be off the mark here, I guess. I love the turns of phrase, like "We like different houses, but we also like the same houses." That's the part that sounds like you. I want more of that, I want.... the story that comes from wherever that phrase came from, that's what I want to read. Idunno. I'm getting inside my own head now, and that means I'm useless if I keep on ranting. It really is a beautiful story though.
whooooooooooooaaaaah that song choice, dude, that song is...... this story is..... dude. Alright, chilling "You're going to reap just what you sow" aside... no, not aside, not yet. You were very deliberate about your theme, so much that if I didn't give you high praise, I'd be an idiot. The plot, the theme, the characters are impeccable. The writing itself is not quite that good, but ignore that for a minute because the big-picture aspect of writing, the important parts, that make all this worth doing -- you are so much on the money there, it's actually scary. That part doesn't come easy, and you've got it.
Now, the writing. And I'm talking here about sentence structure, word choice, formatting, that stuff -- that part needs some work, but working on it is fun when you've got the big picture. It doesn't have to come in like a chemical formula, or some math equation, or whatever -- but your writing needs more clarity, and I think that (IN THE SHORT TERM) approaching it more methodically would help. For example, Collin's funeral is like a massive motivating factor in this plot -- it's not, you know, the one thing that drives Eric into overdose, but it's huge, it's significant. The way you've written it, the funeral is buried in back-halves of long paragraphs, and terminal ends of this wandering train of thought as he debates whether or not to shoot up. Why not lay it out flat? Give a paragraph to each of these turning points -- Eric plays with the needle and thinks about Collin, he sticks it in a vein and thinks about his brother, he touches the plunger and thinks about his ex. Instead it's all jumbled in there piecemeal and that's a little confusing, right? As it's written, even when Eric is thinking about Collin, he's not really thinking about Collin -- and the reader has to assemble the funeral day (or the day he found out at least) bit by bit as we go along.
There's some language stuff too (mostly just passive voice, as usually happens for basically everybody). That handles itself as long as you keep writing more stuff. And you? You write interesting, compelling stuff, so when it all comes together it's going to be out of this world. I think the immediate solution is to focus a little on structuring things more clearly, and the rest just gets better every time you put ink to paper (or finger to keyboard, or whatever). I'll say it again because I spent too long criticizing and not long enough complimenting -- you wrote a phenomenal story. It's sapped a little bit by the structure, but only a little bit. Literal, actual chills down my spine as that song wound down. That's a gift -- use it!
Now, the writing. And I'm talking here about sentence structure, word choice, formatting, that stuff -- that part needs some work, but working on it is fun when you've got the big picture. It doesn't have to come in like a chemical formula, or some math equation, or whatever -- but your writing needs more clarity, and I think that (IN THE SHORT TERM) approaching it more methodically would help. For example, Collin's funeral is like a massive motivating factor in this plot -- it's not, you know, the one thing that drives Eric into overdose, but it's huge, it's significant. The way you've written it, the funeral is buried in back-halves of long paragraphs, and terminal ends of this wandering train of thought as he debates whether or not to shoot up. Why not lay it out flat? Give a paragraph to each of these turning points -- Eric plays with the needle and thinks about Collin, he sticks it in a vein and thinks about his brother, he touches the plunger and thinks about his ex. Instead it's all jumbled in there piecemeal and that's a little confusing, right? As it's written, even when Eric is thinking about Collin, he's not really thinking about Collin -- and the reader has to assemble the funeral day (or the day he found out at least) bit by bit as we go along.
There's some language stuff too (mostly just passive voice, as usually happens for basically everybody). That handles itself as long as you keep writing more stuff. And you? You write interesting, compelling stuff, so when it all comes together it's going to be out of this world. I think the immediate solution is to focus a little on structuring things more clearly, and the rest just gets better every time you put ink to paper (or finger to keyboard, or whatever). I'll say it again because I spent too long criticizing and not long enough complimenting -- you wrote a phenomenal story. It's sapped a little bit by the structure, but only a little bit. Literal, actual chills down my spine as that song wound down. That's a gift -- use it!
You certainly crafted a frightening beast! The 'bad thing' is almost like one of those Grimm monsters -- it's there, out to get you, watch out -- too late. It's cool, and it's dark and scary... this is one of the rare poems though where, honestly, I think it would be better if you chained yourself to some kind of rhythm/rhyme scheme. Maybe not a totally conventional one but, I mean, it's scarier when the language all lines up, somehow. With a poem like this, where it's not so much about the emotions or the story, but just creating a presence -- that's something that rhyme can help with, like, a lot. "Double double toil and trouble," or "Fe-fi-fo-fum," you know? I mean it doesn't have to be cheeky and childish, but rhyming (CAN) add a lot of significance to the character/creature/thing. So, I mean, my money says that this particular poem (and ****NOT**** all poems, or even most of them) would benefit from a regular pattern like that. What else.... Musically I think the mood was a little different, between the song (which felt a little hotter) and the poem (which was more just dark and foreboding). Still a fit, still obviously the inspiration is there, but it's not as strong a connection as some of the other poem entries. Word choice is typically great, with occasional departures (I don't like 'ignorance entwined,' even though it almost looks like it could be a great phrase). The atmosphere, the creature, all the creative bits are really good, I just find myself wishing for more order is all. So like, I guess the free-verse decision isn't something I'm crazy about (just for this one thing). It's otherwise really good.
Another really strong one. I love what you did with the song -- modernizing it, making it significant without totally chaining yourself to it. You've got the good elements like conflict, strong emotions, characters (a little more characterization wouldn't hurt, by which I mean more than just physical shapes and hobbies and whatnot, but it's not like you didn't paint a picture here, they're really fine as-is). You did a risky thing by writing in present-tense, but I think you pulled it off -- it has to do more than simply "not detract" from the story, it has to ADD to the story, and it totally did. I guess if I was gonna pick out one thing to work on, I think the love interest doesn't get enough spotlight -- when the narrator speaks, we hear his thoughts and we see his actions, but 'sweetheart' sort of just reads his lines and then waits for his turn again. I mean, not really, but the narrator does sort of hog the emotional spotlight a bit. Maybe he's supposed to, maybe that's the kind of relationship they have -- kudos if so, that's a clever way of showing it! But a thoughtful look or two wouldn't kill you. Anyway, the writing is good, the important stuff is all there, and I'm left wanting MORE instead of less, which is always a great sign. And of course again, it is the perfect song, and that's kind of the sorta-point of the contest. Fantastic work.
There is so much awesome in your writing that I feel bad even saying this -- the ending, dude, the ending, why so flat? Let's back it up for a second... You set an amazing scene, more than once as the setting moved through night and into morning. The reminiscing, the waiting -- the characterization throughout all of that, the gradual introduction and expansion of this conflict forced upon their lives. Those emotions she's feeling that night, that she's felt over the years -- it's beyond great, it's downright professional. I mean honestly, it's that good. For 98% of the story I feel like I should be holding a magazine, that I had to pay for, to read this. And then it just..... ends. Like you dropped an atom bomb and then cut to black and rolled the credits before it went off. It's too good for that. You're too good for that. I don't mean necessarily that I absolutely must have weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but something, right?! And listen -- this only bothers me because I'm desperate for one more line, one more paragraph, whatever it is, whatever I can get, I need more. It's like a metronome has been beating perfect rhythm for hours, and then suddenly rushes a beat and explodes -- I can't stand it, it's an outrage, I'm outraged, it's outrageous! Can I say that stronger? I uh..... ahem. Well I...... I think I made that point. GOOOOOOOOOOOD I WANT ANOTHER LINE!!!! COME ON!!!! ONE MORE LIIIIINEEEEE PLEEEEEASE!!!!
....sorry. I don't know what... came over me there, i just.... Look. "Outstanding" isn't a strong enough word. This. Is. Perfect. Writing. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, it isn't. And that just.... that's getting to me so hard. This feels so harsh and I just can't stop myself from saying it -- you deserve more out of this story. And it's right there. And you can totally get it. You gotta. You just gotta.
....sorry. I don't know what... came over me there, i just.... Look. "Outstanding" isn't a strong enough word. This. Is. Perfect. Writing. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, it isn't. And that just.... that's getting to me so hard. This feels so harsh and I just can't stop myself from saying it -- you deserve more out of this story. And it's right there. And you can totally get it. You gotta. You just gotta.
WHEW -- alright, you're the last review on the list (I do have two more bonus pieces I'm gonna get to, but more to the point....) I can say with confidence that you put in, like, a whole other level of effort on the musical front. I don't have a lot of experience with song reviews, I mean, my brother was in a couple bands and I get the process a little bit just from seeing that over time.... This isn't a story or a poem, it's a song, and there are different rules. It's about more than just what's down on paper. So the little things like "Your" instead of "You're," I mean, who cares, this is meant to be heard, not read. And as a song? I mean.... like I said, I don't do songs every day, or week, or month, or whatever -- but as a song, seriously what could I even detract from this? It's doing everything that a good song should do -- you've got a great chorus, and the whole thing is just packed with that one special emotion, building on it, growing on it... There's that one line, "How long I wait," where maybe when I hear it out loud, it sounds a little rushed -- but that's just inflection, rhythm, you know, singer-stuff that you'd clean up on the next take with no problem at all. I love hearing it, too, by the way, your voice and the arrangement and all that, it's adding another layer to what's already a solid foundation. On its own, just as it's written (okay maybe I'd clean up "an" into "And," just for the sake of text).... it's already a ridiculously strong piece. Add in the recording? Look I'd buy you a studio if I could so the mic was cleaner, but jeez. You went all-out here, and for me personally, it paid off big time. This isn't my genre or anything, but everything about it just sounds right. Thanks for this. Really. I'm glad you brought the noise to this contest, and I can't imagine a better way to wrap up my part in it.
DONE AND DONE except for our bonus entries, which I really want to get to, so.... later tonight, I bet, I'll leave some lesser thoughts on those. Guys -- this was a blast. I know I've said it like a hundred times, but that's only because I really mean it -- I'm so thrilled with this contest, not because of anything I did, but because of what you guys brought to the table. You nailed this thing. I could die happy right now, I mean, if I'd finished that novel I've been working on, so I guess dying will have to wait, but seriously. Thank you for partcipating. Let me say again for the record, if I've rubbed any of you the wrong way, please for the love of god ignore me, I'm just some moron on the internet who likes reading your stuff, and in all cases I only mean well. Now that I'm done with reviews it's time to start lining up the next round, and for real now, I hope every single one of you comes back. Thanks again, and keep on writing.
Kirah Dragonbunny
Member
Seen
1 day ago
*squee*
I won't say much in response other than I'm glad you liked mine. And yeah that seems to be a common problem I've had. Ironically I usually hear the opposite of what you said.
I won't say much in response other than I'm glad you liked mine. And yeah that seems to be a common problem I've had. Ironically I usually hear the opposite of what you said.
Syben Digital Ghost
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
6 more reviews up. Page 2 - Aeon's Reviews
OP
… Reminds me of that one entry which I had that ended pretty much the same way, but I at least had built up the atmosphere… mdk, did you ever give me that review? I’m trying to recall… XD
What was it about? I'm *terribad* at remembering who wrote what, but I vaguely remember someone dying at the close, and I just can't remember what the surrounding details were.
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
5 days ago
Answered the above in PM.
Mr_pink Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
Member
Seen
7 yrs ago
Never saw this thread before ha ha, thanks for the reviews guys!
Holmishire Ghost with no home.
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
I'll note I haven't forgotten this, just been busy, as expected!
I've written five or so reviews so far, but I like to post them all in one batch. I'm thinking I should be able to get most if not all of the remainder done on Sunday.
I'm also still trying to find the right balance between strict and encouraging.
I've written five or so reviews so far, but I like to post them all in one batch. I'm thinking I should be able to get most if not all of the remainder done on Sunday.
I'm also still trying to find the right balance between strict and encouraging.
Blitz Blazing Boy
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
Well now, let’s start some reviews shall we?
I’m a bit of a softie and will more than likely enjoy everything I read, but I will try to be as constructively critical as possible too, since we’re all here to improve. If you have any questions or wish to clarify something I may have misunderstood, just let me know.
Oh, and I suppose it’s worth mentioning that I’m sitting in a public place while doing this and I’m also very, very tired after a long day and, for some reason, I was struck with the inspiration to start these reviews. For the first set that I get done I apologize for any odd, incorrect, or otherwise nonsensical statements. I may come back and edit these first reviews when I’m in a more alert state of mind.
EDIT: I think it's also worth mentioning that my experience with literary critique is extremely lacking and for someone who likes writing (albeit for fun) as much as I do, I actually kind of hate real literature. Or, I guess I just don't know how to appreciate it. My reviews will probably be more subjective in that sense, because I'm clueless when it comes to being... literary.
*deep breath and sip of water*
I’m going to stop here momentarily. I feel like I am just mutilating these reviews. I’ll try to work on some more tomorrow and will inform you all if I edit any reviews already written.
Bleh. My reviews aren't graceful at all.
I’m a bit of a softie and will more than likely enjoy everything I read, but I will try to be as constructively critical as possible too, since we’re all here to improve. If you have any questions or wish to clarify something I may have misunderstood, just let me know.
Oh, and I suppose it’s worth mentioning that I’m sitting in a public place while doing this and I’m also very, very tired after a long day and, for some reason, I was struck with the inspiration to start these reviews. For the first set that I get done I apologize for any odd, incorrect, or otherwise nonsensical statements. I may come back and edit these first reviews when I’m in a more alert state of mind.
EDIT: I think it's also worth mentioning that my experience with literary critique is extremely lacking and for someone who likes writing (albeit for fun) as much as I do, I actually kind of hate real literature. Or, I guess I just don't know how to appreciate it. My reviews will probably be more subjective in that sense, because I'm clueless when it comes to being... literary.
First of all, I think adding your own vocals were very unique. I personally have the most disgusting singing voice, so major props to you for putting yourself out there like that! I think you have a knack at songwriting.
Your work was very… I want to say tender. It was very sweet and caring, and well, that just made me smile. Someone needs to reunite these two immediately!
Now for the criticism… Well, there’s really not much to criticize. I would say I was expecting something a tad deeper, but that isn’t exactly the point of this contest, is it? It seems like you really had fun writing this, and it’s very creative, so you already get points for that.
Your work was very… I want to say tender. It was very sweet and caring, and well, that just made me smile. Someone needs to reunite these two immediately!
Now for the criticism… Well, there’s really not much to criticize. I would say I was expecting something a tad deeper, but that isn’t exactly the point of this contest, is it? It seems like you really had fun writing this, and it’s very creative, so you already get points for that.
I got really excited when I saw your song selection for this. I love Lana del Rey, and her songs just get me in some kind of mood… A good mood, of course. I just got really excited to put on the song and read along.
I loved how you took your time with this, how you slowly and intricately described how the narrator looks, how the anxiety slowly creeps into her mind, and how her appearance becomes slightly more disheveled as the night goes on.
One could argue that the ending was predictable, but I’m a sucker for these kinds of stories. It’s like, “Okay, Alfie’s obviously dead… but maybe he isn’t… maybe there’s gonna be a happy ending!” And you read on with desperate hope and everything just falls apart at the end. Love it. Well done.
I loved how you took your time with this, how you slowly and intricately described how the narrator looks, how the anxiety slowly creeps into her mind, and how her appearance becomes slightly more disheveled as the night goes on.
One could argue that the ending was predictable, but I’m a sucker for these kinds of stories. It’s like, “Okay, Alfie’s obviously dead… but maybe he isn’t… maybe there’s gonna be a happy ending!” And you read on with desperate hope and everything just falls apart at the end. Love it. Well done.
I thought this entry was different, in a good way of course.
I liked how the story flowed. I know it’s not supposed to be a poem, but it somewhat reminded me of one… Does that make sense? I guess not. Sorry about that.
Like my above review for Homesick (which you may or may not have read), this is also a very sweet and tender story, and I liked the sense of hope that the couple has at the end about going out West. A new beginning and a new life that is always so exciting.
There were a few grammar mistakes that others have pointed out, but I’m not too much of a stickler for it. I mean in some cases it can be distracting, but it wasn’t in your story, at least not for me.
Anyway, I think you did a good job!
I liked how the story flowed. I know it’s not supposed to be a poem, but it somewhat reminded me of one… Does that make sense? I guess not. Sorry about that.
Like my above review for Homesick (which you may or may not have read), this is also a very sweet and tender story, and I liked the sense of hope that the couple has at the end about going out West. A new beginning and a new life that is always so exciting.
There were a few grammar mistakes that others have pointed out, but I’m not too much of a stickler for it. I mean in some cases it can be distracting, but it wasn’t in your story, at least not for me.
Anyway, I think you did a good job!
Ooooh, the title gave me chills!
Wow. Wow, wow wow. That was deep…and also kind of scary. Look, listen to me, I really liked your poem. Seriously. I would try to analyze it right here, but any of my English teachers could tell you that I’m terrible at poetry analysis, so anything I say here couldn’t possibly do your work justice. I do, however, know this is an excellent poem; that much is for sure. And it’s not just the meaning behind the poem (which, again, I will not try to analyze so as to not possibly offend you), but your style is just… Brr! Haunting. Enchanting. This is a piece of art!
Wow. Wow, wow wow. That was deep…and also kind of scary. Look, listen to me, I really liked your poem. Seriously. I would try to analyze it right here, but any of my English teachers could tell you that I’m terrible at poetry analysis, so anything I say here couldn’t possibly do your work justice. I do, however, know this is an excellent poem; that much is for sure. And it’s not just the meaning behind the poem (which, again, I will not try to analyze so as to not possibly offend you), but your style is just… Brr! Haunting. Enchanting. This is a piece of art!
Me *looks at title*
Me “oh, this will make me smile!”
Me *reads*
Me “oh.”
Me *reads more*
Me “oh no.”
Me *finishes reading*
Me “oh my.”
I was expecting something so fluffy and happy! I’m sure you had a reason for that contrast though. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing at all.
Well, in short, I liked the story. You take your time with descriptions, which is something I personally appreciate; and you don’t spend too much time describing things to the point where the storyline becomes drowned in a sea of meaningless adjectives and metaphors. So that’s great!
I actually didn’t expect poor Eric to die; that was unexpected. I just thought his life would crumble, but I was wrong. Boom, over. I thought that was a cool (?) way to end the story.
Now then, I am going to, very tentatively, point out the last sentence: “If Eric had seem himself a few years previous he wouldn't have either.” Hmmmm. Yes. I think sometimes people are so caught up in their present lives, which can be comprised of anything (and Eric’s case, it was drug addiction) that your past can become completely blurred from your memory. It’s sad how that happens. I think we can all agree that has happened at some point or another in our lives, when we almost forget how we used to be.
Now, if that wasn’t even close to the point you were trying to make, I apologize. But what I drew from it was that, it was deep, and I liked it, so… Can’t complain, right? <3
Me “oh, this will make me smile!”
Me *reads*
Me “oh.”
Me *reads more*
Me “oh no.”
Me *finishes reading*
Me “oh my.”
I was expecting something so fluffy and happy! I’m sure you had a reason for that contrast though. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing at all.
Well, in short, I liked the story. You take your time with descriptions, which is something I personally appreciate; and you don’t spend too much time describing things to the point where the storyline becomes drowned in a sea of meaningless adjectives and metaphors. So that’s great!
I actually didn’t expect poor Eric to die; that was unexpected. I just thought his life would crumble, but I was wrong. Boom, over. I thought that was a cool (?) way to end the story.
Now then, I am going to, very tentatively, point out the last sentence: “If Eric had seem himself a few years previous he wouldn't have either.” Hmmmm. Yes. I think sometimes people are so caught up in their present lives, which can be comprised of anything (and Eric’s case, it was drug addiction) that your past can become completely blurred from your memory. It’s sad how that happens. I think we can all agree that has happened at some point or another in our lives, when we almost forget how we used to be.
Now, if that wasn’t even close to the point you were trying to make, I apologize. But what I drew from it was that, it was deep, and I liked it, so… Can’t complain, right? <3
Love the song. A few months ago I went through this phase where it was stuck in my head for like a week straight… Aheerrm, anyway.
When I saw the prompt was to write a story/poem inspired by or based on a song, I considered the idea of using a song’s lyrics in the story itself, but I was still pleasantly surprised when I read your entry. Maybe it’s because of how cleverly embedded the lyrics within the narration—it was smooth. However the only thing I think doesn’t fit is the “Kyoto to the bay” part. I always thought this “bay” referred to the San Francisco Bay area (which, on a flat world map would span from Japan in the east all the way to California in the west). I don’t think there’s a bay in the city of Kyoto. There is, however, a big lake nearby, according to Google Maps.
But that’s just being nit-picky. I had to actually look that up and it’s not like that completely destroyed the infrastructure of your story or anything.
I found the energy of the narrator to be contagious (it kinda reminded me of stubborn but lovable characters like Naruto). Just reading his dialogue with Sarah made me want to jump up and learn Japanese too.
All in all, it was a very enjoyable read and I thought it was quite creative. :D
When I saw the prompt was to write a story/poem inspired by or based on a song, I considered the idea of using a song’s lyrics in the story itself, but I was still pleasantly surprised when I read your entry. Maybe it’s because of how cleverly embedded the lyrics within the narration—it was smooth. However the only thing I think doesn’t fit is the “Kyoto to the bay” part. I always thought this “bay” referred to the San Francisco Bay area (which, on a flat world map would span from Japan in the east all the way to California in the west). I don’t think there’s a bay in the city of Kyoto. There is, however, a big lake nearby, according to Google Maps.
But that’s just being nit-picky. I had to actually look that up and it’s not like that completely destroyed the infrastructure of your story or anything.
I found the energy of the narrator to be contagious (it kinda reminded me of stubborn but lovable characters like Naruto). Just reading his dialogue with Sarah made me want to jump up and learn Japanese too.
All in all, it was a very enjoyable read and I thought it was quite creative. :D
Never heard the song, but the rhythm is catchy as hell. *adds it to a list of songs to download*
So… I’m going to go ahead and suppose this work is about same-sex relationships/marriage, am I correct? I just got that vibe from these quotes:
“Didn’t know God was such a / Homophobic snob”
“How is it not, / How is it not okay?”
“You take their love / And you bring it down”
…etc.
I will therefore be reviewing your work from that perspective. Again, if I somehow misunderstood, please point that out.
At any rate, I like how you kept bits and pieces of the original song and made them fit to your own work. That’s impressive to me. Anyway, I just thought the poem was, I don’t know, beautiful, I guess, though that sounds like a strong word. It seemed to convey the meaning while still going along with the rhythm of the song and maintaining its subtlety. Awesome job! (Keep on fighting for freedom!)
So… I’m going to go ahead and suppose this work is about same-sex relationships/marriage, am I correct? I just got that vibe from these quotes:
“Didn’t know God was such a / Homophobic snob”
“How is it not, / How is it not okay?”
“You take their love / And you bring it down”
…etc.
I will therefore be reviewing your work from that perspective. Again, if I somehow misunderstood, please point that out.
At any rate, I like how you kept bits and pieces of the original song and made them fit to your own work. That’s impressive to me. Anyway, I just thought the poem was, I don’t know, beautiful, I guess, though that sounds like a strong word. It seemed to convey the meaning while still going along with the rhythm of the song and maintaining its subtlety. Awesome job! (Keep on fighting for freedom!)
I’ve been saying this a lot, but I love the song!
Just to clarify, does little Kuba have two fathers? One whom she calls “Dad” and the other, “Pop”? I’m going to assume that’s the case for now.
I found Kuba’s innocence about her Pop’s deployment to Afghanistan to be refreshing, if that’s the right word for it. I also liked her Dad’s lessons that, “when that opinion insults you or the people you love, you are not obligated to listen!”
For some reason, alluding to the “refreshing” bit I mentioned earlier, your work was really relaxing to read. I can’t really explain why; but sitting on your balcony, and slowly taking your time to map out the stars just sounds so… calming! Ah, I love it! Anyway, good job!
P.S., my favorite line was “the sliding door did what it did best.” :)
Just to clarify, does little Kuba have two fathers? One whom she calls “Dad” and the other, “Pop”? I’m going to assume that’s the case for now.
I found Kuba’s innocence about her Pop’s deployment to Afghanistan to be refreshing, if that’s the right word for it. I also liked her Dad’s lessons that, “when that opinion insults you or the people you love, you are not obligated to listen!”
For some reason, alluding to the “refreshing” bit I mentioned earlier, your work was really relaxing to read. I can’t really explain why; but sitting on your balcony, and slowly taking your time to map out the stars just sounds so… calming! Ah, I love it! Anyway, good job!
P.S., my favorite line was “the sliding door did what it did best.” :)
Ooh, short and sweet. It was nice to see a work that wasn’t too lengthy (which isn’t to say that a long story is bad or anything; it was just nice to see something different). Also, for as short as it was, I found the meaning to be very deep, especially the last line, which was the kicker for me. I read it and I was like “well, damn.” Some readers may know exactly what it’s like, and identify with puttig up an act for so long that they’ve convinced themselves that their facade is their actual self (I worded that weirdly…). Hopefully you got my point there.
Excellent work. I can’t stress how much I appreciate the elegance your work had while not having to be a novel.
Excellent work. I can’t stress how much I appreciate the elegance your work had while not having to be a novel.
This is another type of storyline that I’m just a sucker for; when you can guess the ending but it still gets you on the edge of your seat, so to speak (I mentioned something similar for Still Waiting). The countdown at the end is a prime example of this. The dual-narration between the present and Max’s flashbacks was also pretty cool. I liked that.
The only thing was that I don’t feel that the song really matched the story. But again, from my mere subjective viewpoint, I have no idea what connection you, the author, could have made between the song and your story. And like mdk has said, (or I believe has said) you could have written a Greek tragedy based on the Burger King jingle. So I’m not really all that upset about this or anything.
But that’s besides the point. I actually really liked your story, so great job.
Oh, and this is random, but the story brought Snake and Sly Cooper to mind… Not exactly sure why. Maybe all the sneaking around. I dunno.
The only thing was that I don’t feel that the song really matched the story. But again, from my mere subjective viewpoint, I have no idea what connection you, the author, could have made between the song and your story. And like mdk has said, (or I believe has said) you could have written a Greek tragedy based on the Burger King jingle. So I’m not really all that upset about this or anything.
But that’s besides the point. I actually really liked your story, so great job.
Oh, and this is random, but the story brought Snake and Sly Cooper to mind… Not exactly sure why. Maybe all the sneaking around. I dunno.
I think the song was very appropriate for this one. It just seemed to match the mood well.
Your use of white and black to describe the narrator’s current feelings (if that’s how you’d call it) was very clever, as well as relatable. I personally haven’t thought of things in terms of colors like that, but I completely understand what you’re trying to convey.
Your writing style is intelligent and empathic, which made your story an enjoyable experience to read. I also found your ending to be beautiful, despite the rather dismal buildup. I especially liked the narrator’s answer to the woman’s question, which I too believe is reason enough to exist.
To be honest, I had to read your story a couple times to get a good grasp on it, but that isn’t necessarily any fault of yours; I’m also easily distracted and have the reading level equivalent of a semi-literate high school freshman. But I found your story to be relatable and a very realistic representation of the general struggles that many people face on a daily basis. Great job!
Your use of white and black to describe the narrator’s current feelings (if that’s how you’d call it) was very clever, as well as relatable. I personally haven’t thought of things in terms of colors like that, but I completely understand what you’re trying to convey.
Your writing style is intelligent and empathic, which made your story an enjoyable experience to read. I also found your ending to be beautiful, despite the rather dismal buildup. I especially liked the narrator’s answer to the woman’s question, which I too believe is reason enough to exist.
To be honest, I had to read your story a couple times to get a good grasp on it, but that isn’t necessarily any fault of yours; I’m also easily distracted and have the reading level equivalent of a semi-literate high school freshman. But I found your story to be relatable and a very realistic representation of the general struggles that many people face on a daily basis. Great job!
Never heard of the song, but I like. It’s inspirational. I can see how you came up with your story. Actually, what you did was pretty cool, with the whole… well, it isn’t exactly time travel, but the narrator did end up altering the past.
I’d say you write in a way which is very easy to visualize, especially the dialogue. I could clearly see, in detail, the narrator screaming at the picture in frustration and anger, and her voice on the edge of cracking… Yes. Very, very good. I liked the happy ending with “Little Me” and “Big Me” both end up going their separate lives, happily and excitedly, to turn their life around!
I’d say you write in a way which is very easy to visualize, especially the dialogue. I could clearly see, in detail, the narrator screaming at the picture in frustration and anger, and her voice on the edge of cracking… Yes. Very, very good. I liked the happy ending with “Little Me” and “Big Me” both end up going their separate lives, happily and excitedly, to turn their life around!
I can tell from your writing and word choice that you’re a skilled writer. However… My first vibe was that you may have rushed the story a little bit. Not that that’s a terrible, fatal mistake or anything; a lot of us rushed. If you had the time to work it over and write in some scenes that you may have glossed over, I feel like your story would be a real thriller. Anyway, your story was already quite lengthy as is, so I can’t really bust on you for rushing since it’s much longer than my own entry was.
Rushing aside though, I really did like your story. I’m just going to pull out some quotes I found meaningful, either in a literary or personal sense…
“I become anxious every time I cross my limits.”
“It seems that every war leaves behind the seed of conflict. I think back and worry about Zack. I think to myself: in time, it matures into the fruit of sadness.”
“Everyone aims for the future they wish for…”
*pauses for a second to get over the fact that any English teacher would skin me alive for just pulling out quotes for not particular reason like I did but who cares lol*
Aheeeem… Anyway. Wow, I really need a filter. Okay, but to the review.
I actually did find quite a few of these little meaningful quotes sprinkled throughout your work. Maybe you didn’t mean for them to be like that, but I still liked it.
All in all, I thought it was an interesting twist to a war story, with a touch of themes dealing with maturity. Nice.
Rushing aside though, I really did like your story. I’m just going to pull out some quotes I found meaningful, either in a literary or personal sense…
“I become anxious every time I cross my limits.”
“It seems that every war leaves behind the seed of conflict. I think back and worry about Zack. I think to myself: in time, it matures into the fruit of sadness.”
“Everyone aims for the future they wish for…”
*pauses for a second to get over the fact that any English teacher would skin me alive for just pulling out quotes for not particular reason like I did but who cares lol*
Aheeeem… Anyway. Wow, I really need a filter. Okay, but to the review.
I actually did find quite a few of these little meaningful quotes sprinkled throughout your work. Maybe you didn’t mean for them to be like that, but I still liked it.
All in all, I thought it was an interesting twist to a war story, with a touch of themes dealing with maturity. Nice.
Ah yes, a short one. Bless your heart.
What an… interesting title for a song. But whatever!
The rhyming was nice and, oh what’s the word I’m looking for? Resonating? Something like that, yes. Like Dark Wind said, I also am having a little trouble finding a deep meaning, but I’m sure it’s there. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. I guess what confused me were lines like “Five dollar feuds” and “And now I can do is stall.” They just seem a little… misplaced to me.
But that doesn’t mean it’s bad! I mean, I’ve read plenty of acclaimed works of poetry and think “wtf does this stupid stuff mean how is this even popular”. So the fact that I don’t completely understand isn’t exactly a red flag. I’d say you did a good job with the time you had and it was a nice, quick read. :)
What an… interesting title for a song. But whatever!
The rhyming was nice and, oh what’s the word I’m looking for? Resonating? Something like that, yes. Like Dark Wind said, I also am having a little trouble finding a deep meaning, but I’m sure it’s there. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. I guess what confused me were lines like “Five dollar feuds” and “And now I can do is stall.” They just seem a little… misplaced to me.
But that doesn’t mean it’s bad! I mean, I’ve read plenty of acclaimed works of poetry and think “wtf does this stupid stuff mean how is this even popular”. So the fact that I don’t completely understand isn’t exactly a red flag. I’d say you did a good job with the time you had and it was a nice, quick read. :)
The title allured me a little. It’s short but it was like… Come, read me if you dare.
Oh, what a cool song choice! Never knew the name of it though. Good to know!
“The coat of arms that coat our arms”
*swoons*
I dunno, I really liked that.
Oh, wow.
Hmm…
Interesting. Wow, very interesting indeed.
You know, I really enjoyed this. I thought at first that the song wasn’t very fitting but, in a weird and ironic and inexplicable kind of way, it does… I can’t describe it.
The imagery was just… Whew! Powerful! Boom, bam! It was so serious yet light and ugh, you just made it work so well! Damn!
Very, very, very creative and interesting. If this review seems short it’s because I’m literally at a loss for words and don’t want to spoil anything by saying something dumb about it. Just, yes. Yes to it all. Good job.
Oh, what a cool song choice! Never knew the name of it though. Good to know!
“The coat of arms that coat our arms”
*swoons*
I dunno, I really liked that.
Oh, wow.
Hmm…
Interesting. Wow, very interesting indeed.
You know, I really enjoyed this. I thought at first that the song wasn’t very fitting but, in a weird and ironic and inexplicable kind of way, it does… I can’t describe it.
The imagery was just… Whew! Powerful! Boom, bam! It was so serious yet light and ugh, you just made it work so well! Damn!
Very, very, very creative and interesting. If this review seems short it’s because I’m literally at a loss for words and don’t want to spoil anything by saying something dumb about it. Just, yes. Yes to it all. Good job.
*deep breath and sip of water*
I’m going to stop here momentarily. I feel like I am just mutilating these reviews. I’ll try to work on some more tomorrow and will inform you all if I edit any reviews already written.
Bleh. My reviews aren't graceful at all.
OP
added a handful more. I'm stepping off for a bit to watch some basketball but I'll be back for the rest later on.
Blitz Blazing Boy
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
Just added a few more reviews. Hope y'all don't mind my slow pace.
OP
finished! There's still some bonus entries that I need to read and talk about, but everybody should have at least their primary entry critiqued. WHAT. A. BLAST. Now I need to curl up for a few hours and suck on my thumb.
Holmishire Ghost with no home.
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
Well, I'm done.
Many of my reviews are harsh. I'm a picky guy, and it takes a lot to impress me. In some sense, that's a good thing—it helps me show you how I think you can approve. However, it can also be discouraging. Try not to be discouraged if I diss your entry. (Ratings are based off personal preference, and somewhat inconsistent.)
And remember, a bad entry does not mean a bad writer. I have seen some madly varying levels of quality from the same authors—myself included.
As a general note, I am not as experienced in reviewing poetry, especially free verse. Take that as you will.
In addition, I am judging only the writing and content of each entry. If I listen to the song provided, I do so only after my verdict has been concluded.
Why I would not vote for this entry:
1. Generic lyrics.
2. Too much direct description.
3. Little substance.
4. Mono-layered poetry.
5. Perspective inconsistencies.
6. Awkward dialogue and plot-run.
7. Ranty without poise.
8. Jumping the goat on chardevelopment.
9. Too short.
10. Hammer-screw flashbacks.
11. Flat plot.
12. Dialogue.
13. Angsty, erratic.
14. Short, lacking structure.
15. Comparison directly presented.
16. Weird internal monologue.
17. Plain.
18. Exposition-based.
19. Little conflict.
20. Shallow characters.
21. Hazy interpretability.
22. Speedy delivery.
23. Exposition-based.
24. Fractured.
25. Awkward writing.
26. Too much imagery?
27. Sharp scene-changes.
28. Adaptive nature.
Why I would vote for this entry:
1. Lyrics flow even when read.
2. Flashback flipping.
3. Decent hook.
4. Recursive central theme.
5. Strong flashbacks.
6. Poetic narrative.
7. Build-up in vehemence.
8. Strong narrative voice in intro.
9. Rhymes?
10. Nice flow, poignant climax.
11. Internal monologues.
12. Meaningful plot.
13. Cool plot.
14. Couple powerful verses.
15. Interesting duality.
16. Subtle ending.
17. Interconnectedness via repetition.
18. Decent writing.
19. Touching.
20. Good writing.
21. Strong imagery.
22. Well-written.
23. Some cast dynamics.
24. Interesting setting.
25. Sound plot distribution.
26. Powerful atmosphere.
27. Relatable, touching scenes.
28. Well-developed cast.
In the end, my vote goes to the Never Forget, with At the English Fair and Clear Tour Head and Open Your Heart as runner-ups.
Still need to read some of the reviews. Namely, those by mdk, Blitz, Aeonumbra, and Dark Wind. Just because.
Many of my reviews are harsh. I'm a picky guy, and it takes a lot to impress me. In some sense, that's a good thing—it helps me show you how I think you can approve. However, it can also be discouraging. Try not to be discouraged if I diss your entry. (Ratings are based off personal preference, and somewhat inconsistent.)
And remember, a bad entry does not mean a bad writer. I have seen some madly varying levels of quality from the same authors—myself included.
As a general note, I am not as experienced in reviewing poetry, especially free verse. Take that as you will.
In addition, I am judging only the writing and content of each entry. If I listen to the song provided, I do so only after my verdict has been concluded.
C
First, I'll note the necessary: typoes. They detract from the professionalism of the piece. Most were just homophone errors, and as such, had little negative effect.
There is little in the way of clear structure—however, while reading it, I could sense a rhythmic foundation that was well preserved. Some half-rhymes you provided were effective, such as "sometimes/eyes" and "face/wait", but in general the song was free verse.
The main issue I have with this poem is that its lyrics seem to me to be of a significantly generic nature. There is little—if any—figurative language to add a deeper meaning, and the concepts and content are common to a great many songs with little personalization.
As such, the song reads well, but is of a very simple nature.
First, I'll note the necessary: typoes. They detract from the professionalism of the piece. Most were just homophone errors, and as such, had little negative effect.
There is little in the way of clear structure—however, while reading it, I could sense a rhythmic foundation that was well preserved. Some half-rhymes you provided were effective, such as "sometimes/eyes" and "face/wait", but in general the song was free verse.
The main issue I have with this poem is that its lyrics seem to me to be of a significantly generic nature. There is little—if any—figurative language to add a deeper meaning, and the concepts and content are common to a great many songs with little personalization.
As such, the song reads well, but is of a very simple nature.
C
I enjoyed how flashbacks were melded into the narrative so as to flow alongside the present. It is an effective way of evoking the nostalgia of the situation.
However, I found the description was all too often direct. The phrase "show, not tell" comes to mind. In many situations, a short description of something happening instead of that something happens would have greatly amplified the mood. A simple example from the start of the entry is the "creaky rocking chair". Seeing as she had just sat herself down in it, this seems to me to be an ideal time to point out its creakiness by actually describing it creak.
Other than that, the plot was straightforward and predictable, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself. I also found that Alfie and the protagonist were both only shallowly developed, in part due to the telling nature of the flashbacks. We barely knew a thing about Alfie other than that he was a charming, soft man who went to war—and seeing as this entry was written in first person, it feels as if she herself didn't know much more about him.
I enjoyed how flashbacks were melded into the narrative so as to flow alongside the present. It is an effective way of evoking the nostalgia of the situation.
However, I found the description was all too often direct. The phrase "show, not tell" comes to mind. In many situations, a short description of something happening instead of that something happens would have greatly amplified the mood. A simple example from the start of the entry is the "creaky rocking chair". Seeing as she had just sat herself down in it, this seems to me to be an ideal time to point out its creakiness by actually describing it creak.
Other than that, the plot was straightforward and predictable, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself. I also found that Alfie and the protagonist were both only shallowly developed, in part due to the telling nature of the flashbacks. We barely knew a thing about Alfie other than that he was a charming, soft man who went to war—and seeing as this entry was written in first person, it feels as if she herself didn't know much more about him.
D
This is a scene, not a story, and a very short one at that. Because of this, there is very little with which I can work to judge quality.
There is almost no conflict in this entry. Sure, the protagonist fears this may spell the end of his relationship, but there are no reasons given to us readers to believe that possibility. Nothing is known of the boyfriend, no signs given that their relationship is anything but stable.
Without this conflict, I was unable to invest myself in either the characters or the plot. The entry also had very little description, and the dialogue which formed its core was neither witty nor thought-provoking.
Essentially, this entry was far too basic for my tastes.
This is a scene, not a story, and a very short one at that. Because of this, there is very little with which I can work to judge quality.
There is almost no conflict in this entry. Sure, the protagonist fears this may spell the end of his relationship, but there are no reasons given to us readers to believe that possibility. Nothing is known of the boyfriend, no signs given that their relationship is anything but stable.
Without this conflict, I was unable to invest myself in either the characters or the plot. The entry also had very little description, and the dialogue which formed its core was neither witty nor thought-provoking.
Essentially, this entry was far too basic for my tastes.
D
There is a feeling of deeper meaning given here, what with recursive bad thing and its victims, but unfortunately I find the poem itself lacking.
Free verse or no, poetry is founded upon figurative language and hidden meanings—and yet for the life of me I see none of significance. Simply words thrown together to embrace an idea and a tone, which can be nice, but is lacking in the depth that makes it truly successful.
There are some hints that lead me to believe this sort of depth could have taken root. "See past the leaves, | See past the trees," is reminiscient of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees" but wasn't really taken anywhere from there. Similarly, "As one they live separately. | Separately they live alone." comes very close to forming a antimetabole (or whatever that thing is called).
There is a feeling of deeper meaning given here, what with recursive bad thing and its victims, but unfortunately I find the poem itself lacking.
Free verse or no, poetry is founded upon figurative language and hidden meanings—and yet for the life of me I see none of significance. Simply words thrown together to embrace an idea and a tone, which can be nice, but is lacking in the depth that makes it truly successful.
There are some hints that lead me to believe this sort of depth could have taken root. "See past the leaves, | See past the trees," is reminiscient of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees" but wasn't really taken anywhere from there. Similarly, "As one they live separately. | Separately they live alone." comes very close to forming a antimetabole (or whatever that thing is called).
C+
A powerful scene that jumped to the finish line a bit too quickly. The dashes of figuartive language were nice, and the frequent flashbacks—though typical of the druggie's last moment type story—helped build the mood.
I had to primary issues with this entry. First, there was a lot of inconsistency in the perspective of the narrator, switching between limited omniscient—who knows only what Eric could know—and omniscient—who, for example, knew about the funeral invitation. There are a lot of ways to fix this, either by sticking to one or creating a regularized framework for each. The reason they clash is that it mostly points toward the limited form, with such staples as the in-text narrative questions, but then some of the information given can only be unlimited.
My second issue is the speed at which we transitioned between the injection and his funeral. Whereas before a number of paragraphs drew out his pre-injection experience, the post-injection was given by one frantic paragraph of his death, followed by his funeral. The sudden switch from introspection is rough.
A powerful scene that jumped to the finish line a bit too quickly. The dashes of figuartive language were nice, and the frequent flashbacks—though typical of the druggie's last moment type story—helped build the mood.
I had to primary issues with this entry. First, there was a lot of inconsistency in the perspective of the narrator, switching between limited omniscient—who knows only what Eric could know—and omniscient—who, for example, knew about the funeral invitation. There are a lot of ways to fix this, either by sticking to one or creating a regularized framework for each. The reason they clash is that it mostly points toward the limited form, with such staples as the in-text narrative questions, but then some of the information given can only be unlimited.
My second issue is the speed at which we transitioned between the injection and his funeral. Whereas before a number of paragraphs drew out his pre-injection experience, the post-injection was given by one frantic paragraph of his death, followed by his funeral. The sudden switch from introspection is rough.
C
It feels almost poetic, with the repetition of various lines and the consistent structure. (In narrative form, this is more commonly reminiscent of folk tales; however, the nature of the story and it's rapidity of plot convinced me that it was closer to a poem in intent.)
It is very short, which is harder to get away with in a narrative text. The plot moves rapidly, even whimsically, which actually amplifies the tone of the piece, so.
The dialogue, acting as the focus both content-wise and stylistically, is sometimes ungrammatical—"If you have me a chance"—and sometimes just really awkward—"Yeah!" (…) "Yeah!"
It feels almost poetic, with the repetition of various lines and the consistent structure. (In narrative form, this is more commonly reminiscent of folk tales; however, the nature of the story and it's rapidity of plot convinced me that it was closer to a poem in intent.)
It is very short, which is harder to get away with in a narrative text. The plot moves rapidly, even whimsically, which actually amplifies the tone of the piece, so.
The dialogue, acting as the focus both content-wise and stylistically, is sometimes ungrammatical—"If you have me a chance"—and sometimes just really awkward—"Yeah!" (…) "Yeah!"
D
Well, free verse again.
You were so, so close to getting a single half-rhyme in that first stanza: "trust" and "such". I just love rhymes and that stuck out to me, not so much a criticism.
The stutter-like repetition used in the entry can be very effective. However, because it is seemingly randomly dispersed between and even within verses, it loses much of it rhythmic effect. Where a berse ends is important. if, for example, the third stanza's opening verse had ended at "knew, knew", the parallel with the following verse's "two, two" would have been far more impactful, regardless of the coincidental half-rhyme it creates.
Finally, the song is very anticlimactic. This piece is critical hy nature, dissing homophobia. And yet, it boils down to "you disgust me because I disagree with you". Almost no attempt is given to explain why there is a problem with that belief. The narrator gets more and more pumped up, and then right when the climzx feels nigh, the last stanza cuts it short with a seemingly calm and collected response.
Well, free verse again.
You were so, so close to getting a single half-rhyme in that first stanza: "trust" and "such". I just love rhymes and that stuck out to me, not so much a criticism.
The stutter-like repetition used in the entry can be very effective. However, because it is seemingly randomly dispersed between and even within verses, it loses much of it rhythmic effect. Where a berse ends is important. if, for example, the third stanza's opening verse had ended at "knew, knew", the parallel with the following verse's "two, two" would have been far more impactful, regardless of the coincidental half-rhyme it creates.
Finally, the song is very anticlimactic. This piece is critical hy nature, dissing homophobia. And yet, it boils down to "you disgust me because I disagree with you". Almost no attempt is given to explain why there is a problem with that belief. The narrator gets more and more pumped up, and then right when the climzx feels nigh, the last stanza cuts it short with a seemingly calm and collected response.
B-
I really liked the intro. The narrative voice was evocative of a child, a task that is more difficult than one would think. In addition, bits like "so to speak" nicely meld this child's narration with the limited omniscient writer.
That dropped away once the father started talking, largely due to the switch of focus from description to dialogue. Like many super-short stories, it felt out of place. The father's advice was the sort used to push along character development in the young girl, but we had hardly any time at all for her initial state to coalesce. Character development is only effective when the starting state has already been established.
Your strength lies in setting the tone. The story that comes after needs some tweaking.
I really liked the intro. The narrative voice was evocative of a child, a task that is more difficult than one would think. In addition, bits like "so to speak" nicely meld this child's narration with the limited omniscient writer.
That dropped away once the father started talking, largely due to the switch of focus from description to dialogue. Like many super-short stories, it felt out of place. The father's advice was the sort used to push along character development in the young girl, but we had hardly any time at all for her initial state to coalesce. Character development is only effective when the starting state has already been established.
Your strength lies in setting the tone. The story that comes after needs some tweaking.
C-
Aw yeh, rhyming scheme! Unfortunately, I can't use this as too much of a bias in your favour.
A short and simple poem, the rhyming scheme is, as I said, nice to have, but there isn't really much else. The rythm isn't well defined, with only the "-ask" and "-eye" verses carrying matching syllabic lengths. There is also a distinct lack of figurative language. It takes some serious skill to get anything really deep in such few words.
Aw yeh, rhyming scheme! Unfortunately, I can't use this as too much of a bias in your favour.
A short and simple poem, the rhyming scheme is, as I said, nice to have, but there isn't really much else. The rythm isn't well defined, with only the "-ask" and "-eye" verses carrying matching syllabic lengths. There is also a distinct lack of figurative language. It takes some serious skill to get anything really deep in such few words.
B-
The flashbacks were something of a mixed bag here. A tried and true tool is the italicized flashback for exposition, but there are good and bad ways to go about it. The standard, effective way of using it is for action-packed, emotional, and descriptive scenes—these were used to great effect in the entry. On occasion, however, the flashbacks devolved into basic exposition, a relating of events not in a current-in-the-past way, but firmly in the past way. At that point, making it a flashback is unnecessary and detracts from the good ones.
The climax was jumped to a bit quickly, but overall the story flowed nicely, and the ending was poignant.
The flashbacks were something of a mixed bag here. A tried and true tool is the italicized flashback for exposition, but there are good and bad ways to go about it. The standard, effective way of using it is for action-packed, emotional, and descriptive scenes—these were used to great effect in the entry. On occasion, however, the flashbacks devolved into basic exposition, a relating of events not in a current-in-the-past way, but firmly in the past way. At that point, making it a flashback is unnecessary and detracts from the good ones.
The climax was jumped to a bit quickly, but overall the story flowed nicely, and the ending was poignant.
B-
The internal monologues are nice. They give a good balance to the other descriptive portions, though the parts where he talks to himself outside the monologues forms an unnecessary overlap.
However, the plot falls a bit flat. The depression is great and all, but it seems to me that forms the introduction, the status quo. The plot is his encounter with the woman. And for someone who forms the rising action, climax, and conclusion, she doesn't offer much. If she had just been an enabler, pushing him in that moment to his own self discovery, ideally with another internal monologue, that'd be fine. But as it is, she could use a bit more filling out for such a pivotal character.
The internal monologues are nice. They give a good balance to the other descriptive portions, though the parts where he talks to himself outside the monologues forms an unnecessary overlap.
However, the plot falls a bit flat. The depression is great and all, but it seems to me that forms the introduction, the status quo. The plot is his encounter with the woman. And for someone who forms the rising action, climax, and conclusion, she doesn't offer much. If she had just been an enabler, pushing him in that moment to his own self discovery, ideally with another internal monologue, that'd be fine. But as it is, she could use a bit more filling out for such a pivotal character.
C+
Suffers from an excess of ellipses. I like the plot, the time-parallels, and some of the description, but the dialogue fell short. The intent was clear, didn't feel polished her thoughtfully constructed—just a barrage of sudden emotion which, while perhaps accurate, isn't the most powerful narratively.
Suffers from an excess of ellipses. I like the plot, the time-parallels, and some of the description, but the dialogue fell short. The intent was clear, didn't feel polished her thoughtfully constructed—just a barrage of sudden emotion which, while perhaps accurate, isn't the most powerful narratively.
C
The two brothers are pretty angsty, and I'm having difficulty connecting with the plot. Two brothers achieving immense power and then fighting over its use is admirable, but their personalities make it into more of a petty squabble with extreme consequences. The supporting cast also feels odd—there should be a lot more fleeing and a lot less dakka after a certain point.
Things jump around a lot, te conflict is flat and seemingly without hope of resolve, and Zack's reaction to his first war seems to turn him into a flat, static character, because his initial state was hardly developed.
The core plot is cool, but it feels too angsty for my tastes.
The two brothers are pretty angsty, and I'm having difficulty connecting with the plot. Two brothers achieving immense power and then fighting over its use is admirable, but their personalities make it into more of a petty squabble with extreme consequences. The supporting cast also feels odd—there should be a lot more fleeing and a lot less dakka after a certain point.
Things jump around a lot, te conflict is flat and seemingly without hope of resolve, and Zack's reaction to his first war seems to turn him into a flat, static character, because his initial state was hardly developed.
The core plot is cool, but it feels too angsty for my tastes.
C-
I'm not entirely certain I grasp what the poem is about. As far as I can tell, the narrator was in an abusive relationship, vowed to never do the same as was done to them, and then became an abuser anyways.
There's some subtle meaning in the verses, which is nice. The rhymes are kinda flippy-floppy, but they do add to the piece. I feel the doubling formed by the repetition of the first verse could have been amplified if the last two verses of the second stanza were merged. Structure is important, but free verse also has its uses, I guess.
My favourite verses are "This side-walk was never meant for two" (with its rhyme considered) and "Five-dollar feuds | Black-blue hues". They roll off the tongue well.
I'm not entirely certain I grasp what the poem is about. As far as I can tell, the narrator was in an abusive relationship, vowed to never do the same as was done to them, and then became an abuser anyways.
There's some subtle meaning in the verses, which is nice. The rhymes are kinda flippy-floppy, but they do add to the piece. I feel the doubling formed by the repetition of the first verse could have been amplified if the last two verses of the second stanza were merged. Structure is important, but free verse also has its uses, I guess.
My favourite verses are "This side-walk was never meant for two" (with its rhyme considered) and "Five-dollar feuds | Black-blue hues". They roll off the tongue well.
C
The contrastive theme is very strong here, and I like it.
Two minor grievances—some verses that started without a capital letter I'm pretty sure were meant to be direct continuations of the verse before them. That's fine, but it would've been less jarring if they were indented. The other thing is that many hyphens were skipped that confused me as I was reading: track-marks, mud- and blood-stained caps. Tey just help the reader follow what you're trying to say.
Now, for more important stuff. Some verses were very creative—"Track-marks the coat of arms that coat our arms"—so points for that. What that verse has in addition to wordplay is its conciseness, its subtlety. I find too often the double meaning boils down to "this is the royal thing, which I'll now explain is actually this thing". Specific example of what I fond detracts from the power of the comparison: "We ride our noble steed in the form of a shopping cart with a broken wheel". This is similar to the difference between a simile and a metaphor—metaphors are typically more powerful, because we don't need to be told there's a comparison being made.
The contrastive theme is very strong here, and I like it.
Two minor grievances—some verses that started without a capital letter I'm pretty sure were meant to be direct continuations of the verse before them. That's fine, but it would've been less jarring if they were indented. The other thing is that many hyphens were skipped that confused me as I was reading: track-marks, mud- and blood-stained caps. Tey just help the reader follow what you're trying to say.
Now, for more important stuff. Some verses were very creative—"Track-marks the coat of arms that coat our arms"—so points for that. What that verse has in addition to wordplay is its conciseness, its subtlety. I find too often the double meaning boils down to "this is the royal thing, which I'll now explain is actually this thing". Specific example of what I fond detracts from the power of the comparison: "We ride our noble steed in the form of a shopping cart with a broken wheel". This is similar to the difference between a simile and a metaphor—metaphors are typically more powerful, because we don't need to be told there's a comparison being made.
C+
Typoes. jussayin'
The tone in the beginning was nice, but felt somewhat inconsistent, jumping between "life sucks" and "isn't life awesome (but srsly it sucks)" if that makes sense. They're two sides of the same coin in a eay, so I can see how they might be part of the same person.
I liked the first half more, though it was a bit languid—probably the point. The second half was downright confusing. Sure, I understood it, but it just seemed so weird compared to the previous part.
I also personally am not a fan of internal existential reformation monologues, so that's a bias I have.
The eru last bit was nice, though. Very subtle approach to suicide, and with a touching end-phrase.
Typoes. jussayin'
The tone in the beginning was nice, but felt somewhat inconsistent, jumping between "life sucks" and "isn't life awesome (but srsly it sucks)" if that makes sense. They're two sides of the same coin in a eay, so I can see how they might be part of the same person.
I liked the first half more, though it was a bit languid—probably the point. The second half was downright confusing. Sure, I understood it, but it just seemed so weird compared to the previous part.
I also personally am not a fan of internal existential reformation monologues, so that's a bias I have.
The eru last bit was nice, though. Very subtle approach to suicide, and with a touching end-phrase.
C
Good use of repetition, and I like the transition between fear to hope to final loss.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say. Nothing super good or bad really stands out to me.
Good use of repetition, and I like the transition between fear to hope to final loss.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say. Nothing super good or bad really stands out to me.
C
The foundation of this entry was exposition. Describing that events happened, and what caused them to happen, but not describing the events themselves in narrative form. It is one thing to say "they suffered" and another entirely to describe them suffering.
This might be an effective intro, but it doesn't hold for the meat of a story. I'm more interested in finding out what comes after–in a sense, much like Fein himself.
In addition to this, the plot was basic, the main character overpowered, and through his self-declared heartlessness, unrelatable as well.
The foundation of this entry was exposition. Describing that events happened, and what caused them to happen, but not describing the events themselves in narrative form. It is one thing to say "they suffered" and another entirely to describe them suffering.
This might be an effective intro, but it doesn't hold for the meat of a story. I'm more interested in finding out what comes after–in a sense, much like Fein himself.
In addition to this, the plot was basic, the main character overpowered, and through his self-declared heartlessness, unrelatable as well.
C+
So was this a dead kid and/or angel trying to make his friend feel better for accidentally getting him killed by making him happy? That's what I got out of it.
A simple yet touching entry with dashes of good metaphors and such in there. Not the most engaging entry, but it uses its sift-spoken nature to its advantage.
So was this a dead kid and/or angel trying to make his friend feel better for accidentally getting him killed by making him happy? That's what I got out of it.
A simple yet touching entry with dashes of good metaphors and such in there. Not the most engaging entry, but it uses its sift-spoken nature to its advantage.
C+
The description was well-handled, forming a nice start to the story. Really, I liked the writing in general for the opening part, with the vivid verbs and the figurative language and such.
However, I found the plot and character interaction poor by comparison. The protagonist gave no indication whatsoever of recognizing Mel, despite him being a long-lost lover who vouched for her. The husband is even odder, galloping off with no knowledge of where to go and seeing the smoke by chance—and once he gets there, he's just a bumbling idiot. But instead of trying to take her back, he tries to discuss the matter with her, which doesn't really fit with the context. The characters just move too quickly, seemingly without thought.
The description was well-handled, forming a nice start to the story. Really, I liked the writing in general for the opening part, with the vivid verbs and the figurative language and such.
However, I found the plot and character interaction poor by comparison. The protagonist gave no indication whatsoever of recognizing Mel, despite him being a long-lost lover who vouched for her. The husband is even odder, galloping off with no knowledge of where to go and seeing the smoke by chance—and once he gets there, he's just a bumbling idiot. But instead of trying to take her back, he tries to discuss the matter with her, which doesn't really fit with the context. The characters just move too quickly, seemingly without thought.
C+
Contains a nice sprinkling if figurative language—similes, personifications, metaphors. However, some of it seems rather nonsense-ical. What does "faster than probability" mean?
I feel the Greek celestial-body theme could have been extended to the Sun for consistency's sake, but that is but a minor grievance. There is some powerful imagery in here, I congratulate you.
Contains a nice sprinkling if figurative language—similes, personifications, metaphors. However, some of it seems rather nonsense-ical. What does "faster than probability" mean?
I feel the Greek celestial-body theme could have been extended to the Sun for consistency's sake, but that is but a minor grievance. There is some powerful imagery in here, I congratulate you.
B
Ah, this brings back memories.
A cute story, and well-written to boot. As far as I'm concerned, the only downfalls of this entry are a direct result of its meagre length.
There is little room for rising action, so the climax came about rather quick. The dénouement was also sped through, barely giving the reader any time to acknowledge the woman's transformation. Finally, the woman wasn't introduced well—leaving me confused at the start of the story as to whether the old woman was the mother, pretty much up until you said "the group of four".
But really, I liked it.
Ah, this brings back memories.
A cute story, and well-written to boot. As far as I'm concerned, the only downfalls of this entry are a direct result of its meagre length.
There is little room for rising action, so the climax came about rather quick. The dénouement was also sped through, barely giving the reader any time to acknowledge the woman's transformation. Finally, the woman wasn't introduced well—leaving me confused at the start of the story as to whether the old woman was the mother, pretty much up until you said "the group of four".
But really, I liked it.
C
I'm not too fond of the conversation format. This is another case of an exposition-based entry, though admittedly it does feature the climax/punchline in the present setting.
If the characters had been granted more personality, spawning quips and emotion as they spoke, the dialogue format could have been very effective.
I also have some fine-tuning comments. The line "Marcus simply nodded in response to Ted's comment" came after Marcus had done a number of actions and spoken to the waitress. At that point, Ted's comment would have faded out of focus, leaving this nodding feeling very much out of place—a time issue. Of Marcus had nodded as looked over at the waitress and before he spoke, this particular action might've flowed much better.
The second thing is the line "Marcus sighed for the millionth time". Though this is likely just revealing an aspect of Marcus's character, because Marcus had not sighed once yet in the entry, it becomes a show-not-tell problem. Just feels out of place.
I'm not too fond of the conversation format. This is another case of an exposition-based entry, though admittedly it does feature the climax/punchline in the present setting.
If the characters had been granted more personality, spawning quips and emotion as they spoke, the dialogue format could have been very effective.
I also have some fine-tuning comments. The line "Marcus simply nodded in response to Ted's comment" came after Marcus had done a number of actions and spoken to the waitress. At that point, Ted's comment would have faded out of focus, leaving this nodding feeling very much out of place—a time issue. Of Marcus had nodded as looked over at the waitress and before he spoke, this particular action might've flowed much better.
The second thing is the line "Marcus sighed for the millionth time". Though this is likely just revealing an aspect of Marcus's character, because Marcus had not sighed once yet in the entry, it becomes a show-not-tell problem. Just feels out of place.
D
A lot of typoes.
The end-at-the-beginning trick is used half as a hook, half to jump-start tension, half to allow for big reveals/twists. While it did provide a hook, the simulation aspect removed most of the tension and it actually worked towards removing the potential twist it would have lead to had it been left uniquely at the end.
Other than that, the dialogue was a little disjointed, they didn't have much to discuss, and the entry was far too short for any kind of impactful plot.
A lot of typoes.
The end-at-the-beginning trick is used half as a hook, half to jump-start tension, half to allow for big reveals/twists. While it did provide a hook, the simulation aspect removed most of the tension and it actually worked towards removing the potential twist it would have lead to had it been left uniquely at the end.
Other than that, the dialogue was a little disjointed, they didn't have much to discuss, and the entry was far too short for any kind of impactful plot.
C
You took the time to actually spread out the plotline despite this being a short story, which was nice. I also wasn't expecting that twist, though it is a relatively common one. It's great when an entry isn't afraid to conclude on a rough note.
That being said, there was a lot of repetition and redundancy in the writing. For example, the word "smirk" was used quite a few times in close proximity and "speechless" and "silent" in the same reference add little to one another.
You took the time to actually spread out the plotline despite this being a short story, which was nice. I also wasn't expecting that twist, though it is a relatively common one. It's great when an entry isn't afraid to conclude on a rough note.
That being said, there was a lot of repetition and redundancy in the writing. For example, the word "smirk" was used quite a few times in close proximity and "speechless" and "silent" in the same reference add little to one another.
B
Very touching entry with lots of good description and writing. The passion of the protagonist was splendidly evoked through his environment.
Indeed, the worst part of the entry that put me off was the first paragraph. Within it, "beach" was repeated three times, and the phrase "from the sea" twice. It was a tough read, as if too much imagery was trying to be forced into a small space.
Other than that, many cases where a semi-colon would have been used instead had a comma. Grammar doesn't usually bug me, just thought I'd note.
Very touching entry with lots of good description and writing. The passion of the protagonist was splendidly evoked through his environment.
Indeed, the worst part of the entry that put me off was the first paragraph. Within it, "beach" was repeated three times, and the phrase "from the sea" twice. It was a tough read, as if too much imagery was trying to be forced into a small space.
Other than that, many cases where a semi-colon would have been used instead had a comma. Grammar doesn't usually bug me, just thought I'd note.
B-
I noticed that many of the lyrics were effectively used word for word in the entry, and not in such a way as to make it obvious. Admittedly, I only noticed this because I recognized the song and perused the lyrics you provided after I was done reading—if there are others who have done the same, I'm sorry for only singling out you.
That being said, the majority of your work was original, so it won't really factor into my overall judgement.
The writing was alright, and many of te scenes were very touching. However, they were very snapshot-y, and the sudden scene-changes broke the flow of my reading. The italicized lyrics used at the end of each section did help to tie them together, though, so there's that.
I noticed that many of the lyrics were effectively used word for word in the entry, and not in such a way as to make it obvious. Admittedly, I only noticed this because I recognized the song and perused the lyrics you provided after I was done reading—if there are others who have done the same, I'm sorry for only singling out you.
That being said, the majority of your work was original, so it won't really factor into my overall judgement.
The writing was alright, and many of te scenes were very touching. However, they were very snapshot-y, and the sudden scene-changes broke the flow of my reading. The italicized lyrics used at the end of each section did help to tie them together, though, so there's that.
A+
Hate to say it mate, but you have to make mistakes to get constructive criticism.
You did a lot of things right that most do wrong. The cast was diverse and well-developed, with only Alexander feeling rushed in, and you addressed that. The plethora of unfamiliar place-names was confusing at the start, but each ecame clear by the end of the story.
There may be some minor issues hidden in there—I found it weird, for example, that Veit would get a prosthetic leg when he was literally told he was lucky it didn't hit the part of him that would make him losr a limb. However, there was just too much good in there for me to really spend time looking for something bad.
Sure, I'll reread it this weekend if I can, see if I can give some more useful feedback, but I figure at best it'll be nitpicking and more likely just nothing.
Hate to say it mate, but you have to make mistakes to get constructive criticism.
You did a lot of things right that most do wrong. The cast was diverse and well-developed, with only Alexander feeling rushed in, and you addressed that. The plethora of unfamiliar place-names was confusing at the start, but each ecame clear by the end of the story.
There may be some minor issues hidden in there—I found it weird, for example, that Veit would get a prosthetic leg when he was literally told he was lucky it didn't hit the part of him that would make him losr a limb. However, there was just too much good in there for me to really spend time looking for something bad.
Sure, I'll reread it this weekend if I can, see if I can give some more useful feedback, but I figure at best it'll be nitpicking and more likely just nothing.
Why I would not vote for this entry:
1. Generic lyrics.
2. Too much direct description.
3. Little substance.
4. Mono-layered poetry.
5. Perspective inconsistencies.
6. Awkward dialogue and plot-run.
7. Ranty without poise.
8. Jumping the goat on chardevelopment.
9. Too short.
10. Hammer-screw flashbacks.
11. Flat plot.
12. Dialogue.
13. Angsty, erratic.
14. Short, lacking structure.
15. Comparison directly presented.
16. Weird internal monologue.
17. Plain.
18. Exposition-based.
19. Little conflict.
20. Shallow characters.
21. Hazy interpretability.
22. Speedy delivery.
23. Exposition-based.
24. Fractured.
25. Awkward writing.
26. Too much imagery?
27. Sharp scene-changes.
28. Adaptive nature.
Why I would vote for this entry:
1. Lyrics flow even when read.
2. Flashback flipping.
3. Decent hook.
4. Recursive central theme.
5. Strong flashbacks.
6. Poetic narrative.
7. Build-up in vehemence.
8. Strong narrative voice in intro.
9. Rhymes?
10. Nice flow, poignant climax.
11. Internal monologues.
12. Meaningful plot.
13. Cool plot.
14. Couple powerful verses.
15. Interesting duality.
16. Subtle ending.
17. Interconnectedness via repetition.
18. Decent writing.
19. Touching.
20. Good writing.
21. Strong imagery.
22. Well-written.
23. Some cast dynamics.
24. Interesting setting.
25. Sound plot distribution.
26. Powerful atmosphere.
27. Relatable, touching scenes.
28. Well-developed cast.
In the end, my vote goes to the Never Forget, with At the English Fair and Clear Tour Head and Open Your Heart as runner-ups.
Still need to read some of the reviews. Namely, those by mdk, Blitz, Aeonumbra, and Dark Wind. Just because.
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
5 days ago
@Holmishire ... Thank god. I was getting scared nobody would vote for it, despite it probably deserving the most. Now it is AT LEAST at the same number as the others that have received votes. Haha.
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