I may not be entering this one (unless I get a surprise in thanks to motivation) but... I'll be the judge of that (well, Terminal will be but you know what I mean).
I'll also leave the verbal termination to Terminal, he be good like that.
Sweet!
Do critique everything -- that goes for anyone who makes it through my thing, or doesn't, lord knows if you have to skip one thing, you should skip mine. Feedback is vital for all the things though. I'm probably not going to get any reviews in until late, because I'm in Orlando for the next several days (thus the rush), but I'll get to them.... in the meantime, anybody who critiques my gigantic thing without leaving some thoughts for the other writers first is bad and should feel bad! Or whatever. You know what I mean. Share the love, rainbows, etc.
@mdk I usually don't critique TTL entries, but maybe I'll make an exception for you. ;3 (I guess that makes me bad.)
lol seriously though, review other people before even looking at my thing. For real. It'll be a better use of everybody's time, not the least of which being yours.
Whelp. I've read through my entry multiple times now, and I think I've got it mostly as I want it. There are a few parts that I'm worried about, but at this point the story is so tightly woven together that I don't even remotely dare changing anything as it could result in everything just turning weird. Alright. All that's left is for it to be burned to pieces by reviewers and judges, I suppose.
As soon as I'm not getting any more server errors I'm going to submit my entry.
That being said, remember that story I submitted for the seventh labour, the story about the guy agreeing to surrender his soul in order to save his family? Well, I finished that now. If anyone is curious about how it all ends, sent me a message and I'll give you the link to it.
There. Sent mine in. It has been properly read through multiple times. So any extreme wrong-ness in grammar and such you find in it... It's completely representative of my actual ability. XD
Hah. The good ol' chess-game with death, with a twist. You sure managed to raise quite the impressive atmosphere. There's quite an amount of minor typos that were slightly distracting, but I'm going to ignore those. It was somewhat obvious what was going on, considering the description that went into said queen and such. It kind of made Death appear to be an idiot rather than make the other individual seem like a genius. But still. I applaud the atmosphere.
I do wonder a little bit about the āin turn for their good willā part of the challenge parameters, but eh! Nicely done. I like this one. Haha.
Holmishire, are you reading this? THIS is how you write a continuation of previous entries! This works just EXCELLENTLY as the start of its own entry, yet it also quite excellently makes references that make the remember EXACTLY what happened in the previous text! Granted, it's a little unfair since WiseDragonGirl's little universe here is so dang memorable, BUT STILL! Even if it hadn't read the previous entry, I still would have known exactly what was going on! You'd just have to have done THIS once for every entry you brought into your collective entry! ā¦ Which might have dragged it out a little longer than what would be comfortable, but with so many worlds coinciding, A BIT OF LENGTH IS T BE EXPECTED! XD
Phew. Yeah. Um, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was reviewing THIS entry. Alright. Excellent beginning, if I didn't make that clear. Now, let me read the rest of it.
Thorough. Classy. Brutally efficient and to the point. This is how you make a guy evil, intelligent and likable at the same time. Bravo. I'd say you got this in the bag. I have no criticism to give. Hahaha.
ā¦ Then again. I do have to wonder about the āin turn for their good willā part of the labour. Hm. Eh. We'll see what happens. Haha.
I'm pretty proud of this. We'll see what the judges think. Haha.
ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦
... Shit. āIn turn for their good willā... Their good will wasn't intended for Aaron. They were just trying to defend themselves. ā¦ WELL, IT MIGHT STILL COUNT AS GOOD WILL, THEY WERE GOOD WILLING TO SAVE THEIR OWN LIVES, AND SAVED AARON ALONG WITH THE REST OF THEIR OWN KIND! They were repaid with pain for their unknowing good services to humanity! That might still qualify! Hahahahaha- damn. Why was there STILL a tiny bloody detail that MIGHT derail my whole <i wanna write the f-word> train!? Geesh...
Well. Um. Dunno about being used as a tool. I recognize that Albiorn killed the individual who saved his life, but... Due to lack of clarification at the end of it, I don't really know if this was truly someone's plot or not. What proof do we have that Ulfarr didn't attack in cold blood, and hence kind of had the shot that killed him coming? Now, it's entirely possible this was a plot by someone, but I have to mention that we don't really have any proof that this is necessarily the case. There were also a few notable typos in this story, and with this abrupt ending... Did you run out of time?
Still. Otherwise, I rather like the atmosphere you set up, here. I also like the characters. They're likable, with clear traits and intentions, and I always like that in a story. So I liked the story, despite the inevitable end it was approaching, which felt like it appeared way too quickly. Nicely done.
And now...
gestures with pipe towards @mdk before putting it back in his mouth
Stars aligned and I got a chance to knock these out much earlier than I expected. REVIEWS FOR ALL!
Love the style ā you did a great job of complimenting the dark theme with tone and sentence structure. Imagery was, for the most part, spot-on (although there were spots here and there that I didnāt like ā more on that later) ā the grander scheme, the ethereal chess game of bones and death ā I mean come on, thatās awesome. Descriptions of the moves left a little to be desired in terms of, like, a reader understanding whatās going on in the game ā but the chess moves were never really the point, and not knowing precisely where every rook and bishop has landed on the board doesnāt take anything away from the story. The ārudimentary backbone of chessā is actually a really clever thematicā¦. Uhā¦. thing, but you sorta glossed over it and didnāt play up the extra skeleton imagery, so it almost seems like a coincidence. Thatās fine ā when youāre writing well, the coincidental stuff tends to work out in your favor without you even really thinking about it. You were, and it did. Consider sticking to the skeleton image ā instead of the bishop sneaking around to āstrike at the heart of the formation,ā maybe the bishop strikes at its spine instead? Dunno. Stuff like that though ā the point is you created a good image that fits in with the other story elements, and you could do a little more with it I guess but the point is that it was good.
Couple negative points jumped out. I canāt tell if they jumped out because of how much I liked the rest, or because of how jump-out-ish they were ā just gonna list them off and let you be the judge. First, verb tense throughout feels a bit off. āA white tube being thrustedā hit me right away, and thereās some more awkward tense choices. Participles? Present participle I think? ANYWAY ITāS WEIRD, and weird is cool when itās helping but I donāt think itās helping. You also slip back and forth between past and present, which, again, cool if itās happening for a reason but it just looks like a slip from here. Broadly speaking, the verb tense is a weak point ā donāt think so much about how to FIX it, rather, think about what you want to do with it. I think thatās the level youāre at. A good level.
Next ā this is a game of chess between death and a (victim?). Thatās a fantastically interesting scenario. Maybe ā only maybe ā you should let that cat out of the bag earlier in the story. I get the sense that you knew all along this was a battle against literally Death, and maybe sorta overlooked the part where you bring the readers up to speed. COULD BE, you were holding the cards close to the chest deliberately, but the trouble with that is, when itās finally spelled out, there isnāt a whole lot of payoff for the reader. I wasnāt held in suspense, wondering who was playing or for what ā okay, maybe a little bit wondering those things, but notā¦.. you see what I mean right? Iām gonna overstate it just to make the point, donāt hate me, but itās almost like someone telling a joke and getting close to the punchline and then mentioning āoh by the way the horse is blue, thatās important, itās a blue horse.ā The timing of the revelation gives it the effect you want. In this case, I donāt see any reason why the revelation shouldnāt come right up in front. Could be wrong about thatā¦.. think on it.
I promised to mention weird imagery because on THAT account, it definitely only jumped out because of how strong the rest was. Okay. In a supernatural cosmic ādanse macabreā with Death on a smoke-covered bone chessboard with dozens of human souls hanging in the balance, cheesy fries are kind of weird. Right? Thatāsā¦. does that sound out of place to anybody else? And again, weird, out-of-place stuff is fine if youāre doing something with it. I didnāt get that sense here. The accountantās death sequence felt like a glaring break from your style in the rest of the story, and it didnāt, likeā¦. If they sat and remarked about how random and merciless death could come for anyone (you did a LITTLE, and repeated it with the āaccidentā overtones with the exās death, but didnāt really follow through all the way)ā¦.. well. I guess what Iām trying to say is, if cheesy fries are going to enter into a story like this, you wanna make damn sure you justify it completely! Cheesy fries. Okay, Iāve harped on that enā¦.. CHEESY FRIES! Enough! Enough. Iām done.
So I spent a longer time complaining than I meant to. That always means I liked it. Always. I think you did this story near-complete justice with style and pacing and tone. A teensie bit sloppy in terms ofā¦.. well I hate the word āgrammarā in this context, but just syntax and structure in general, not quite firing on ALL cylinders, but youāre certainly firing on most of them. Itās a bit more plot-heavy than character-heavy ā nevertheless your crafty lovestruck human still comes across as sort of twistedly-romantic and dark, and I think you really nailed him. All in all, I mean, I feel really good about you. This story is good stuff, in a way that totally means youāre a good writer.
@wisedragongirl YES YES YES ITāS THE ODE TO KING HAN! YES! And the crypts!
Ahem.
Alright. Throwbacks aside, this is a neat little deception. Itās essentially straight-to-the-point, no beating around the bush ā all evidence says I could use a little work on that front ā and it wraps up in a bow without wasting any time. In other words, brilliant pacing. Characters were strong ā maybe a little abrupt, but appropriate for the story.
The conflict, thoughā¦.. hmmm, how to say this. Itās almost more like a summary of a conflict, than a conflict. Lemitsa screws Anthony over, Anthony gets mad, Anthony loses, straight to the aftermath. Which again ā this story moved fast, youāre not wrong to move that whole affair right along and get back to Mikhal. That worked, because Lemitsa being a cold bastard is sort of the whole appeal, or a big part of the appeal anyway. I think part of the reason it works is that youāre drawing on established settings, so the stage is already set ā but still itās moving quickly enough that itās not, you know, 100% awesome. Itās all over just as quick as itās begun.
I feel like Iām running out of things to talk about, and maybe THATāS something to talk about ā itās a bit threadbare, isnāt it? You didnāt do much in the telling of the story. We got to the point, we met the jerk, he did some thingsā¦ Itās not thematically deep, itās not full of any particular tone (that might be because I just finished Pawn takes King)ā¦. Sort of just a āthis happenedā sort of story. Paced well, handled well, written well, but still. The deception and the damage were readily apparent, which should make it easy to tell if it clears the labor, and Iām not 100% sure ā but Iāve been wrong like every time I try to guess, so Iāll make no such effort here, lol. Anyway it was an easy read and nicely done. Some solid strong points in a story without much room for strong points ā TLDR pacing and characters good, detail and nuance didnāt really get a chance to play, but thatās life.
I swear, you are having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.
This is *cough cough* almost the longest entry in the group. Itās the longest one of yours I can remember off the top of my head. To be clear ā length is not strength. Just being longer doesnāt make something better. That saidā¦. Dude, the length was perfect, says this casual reader. The complex-ridiculous-ness of a genius slime colony worshipping the mighty god Adidas, the heartache after catastropheā¦.. wait do Ghinites have hearts? The simple-organ-ache after a catastrophe. Vows of tiny revenge. I mean come on. Itās brilliant. Itās possibly certifiably insane ā but itās brilliant.
If it werenāt so brilliant, thereās a lot of things I would complain about. Like, jumping from a lab room straight into an alien landscape was jarring and made me wonder all sorts of things ā has @platinumskink finally lost it, for one? And lots of variations on that, but also some āuh whatās this doing hereā and āwhat the hell is supposed to be going onā and āwhatās a ghiniteā and āis that Adidas like the shoe or a plural of an adida or what?ā It turns out, though, that these were all the right questions. It wasnāt random at all ā it was structured and paced and okay, maybe the structure was made of see-through goop and it was really weird, but jesus it was perfect. I mean bloody perfect. At every turn.
Alright. So story wise, Iāve got nothing to whine about. Surely I can poke holes in character development, right? Wellā¦.. KIND OF. I mean, Doctor Hogan is a fun villain, always a little creepy and blossoms into a genuine hateable guy. Aaron doesnāt get it, and I donāt like him because he never gets it, and at the end heās like oh, I think I get it, Iāll be coolā¦.. but thatās not really a weak point because, I mean, how in the hell would he have gotten it? So he actually rings pretty true ā a little on the simple side, maybe, but nothing wrong with that. The Ghinite characters are one-dimensional I guess, butā¦.. I meanā¦.. they practically ARE one-dimensional, so come on. So if I was going to poke holes, the hole Iād try to poke is āThere isnāt a whole lot of character development ā any, maybe.ā But there doesnāt need to be. Here. Other stories, less crazy stories, youāll need that ā but not here, honestly.
Writing-wise ā I had my eye open, desperate for anything I could complain about. I remember spotting only two things. Well, three ā one of them was the food-god Adidas, but that turned out to be awesome. First ā when describing the Ghinites, you said something along the lines of āthis would look creepy to a human.ā Donāt say that! Just describe it in a way thatās creepy to humans. On the one hand, showing is better than telling ā but on a more (less?) practical level, Ghinites have no concept of how they might seem to humans, so that doesnāt make sense. Yes ā in a story about cancer-curing slime creatures, Iām complaining about a description making sense. Deal with it. Second, thereās still that running tendency of yours to just leave thoughts from the narrator as things go along. Iām growing accustomed to it, it doesnāt necessarily bother me as much ā but itās still kinda sloppy to actually write out āEh, suppose thereās nothing else to it, then?ā Sounds like you ran out of things to say and wrote down the part where you ran out of things to say, and only then went on writing. Ehā¦ā¦ well I guess thatās it then, on to the conclusion.
Iām allowed to do that. Iām critiquing. Youāre telling a story!
Bah. Well the point of saying āI only found two things to hateā was that, look, there wasnāt much to hate in this entry. I mean core concept, if a person doesnāt like what youāre doing, youāre not gonna win them over ā but damn it, youāre writing like you and it really feels like itāsā¦.. uhā¦ā¦ gelling. So stick with that. And can I remark, too, that there are some objectively fantastic parts strewn about in this story ā Iāll highlight one that I really liked.
any other Ghinite could easily recognize one another by the taste of the matter each was subconsciously giving off. And Akheria's in particular, was easily recognizable for being quite bitter.
Brilliant.
Okay. Okay. Moral isā¦ā¦ damn good job. I donāt know what to call this genre but youāre all over it like a pig in mud. It suits you exactly, and you suit it, and itāsā¦ā¦ itās awesome.
This was down to the deadline-wire, wasnāt it? See you built up a great backdrop for the werewolf story ā excellent characters, excellent setting, excellent tone ā and then sorta cashed it all in at once, because, I meanā¦. You HAD to, I imagine. Itās a shame. Iām really interested in the intrigue between these people, in, you know, what happens to this place. Because at the end of the day itās not a story about a monster, itās a story about PEOPLE, thatās the whole point of the werewolf ā theyāre human. Ulfarr is human. I didnāt get to see enough of him to really be satisfied.
But thatās very different from saying āitās not good.ā Itās EXTREMELY good. The pace you set at the beginning? FLAWLESS. Carried on as we met the village and learned about the location a little more, about the personal conflicts and the human elements surrounding everything, and then likeā¦.. man, itās a shame. I imagine youāre right there too ā all Iām saying is Iām there with you. Tons of potential here that just couldnāt be tapped in time. Would love to see it.
Standing as it is, the storyās still plenty strong. Some of the significance is lost because of the compressed conclusionā¦ I love what you did with language, I love the characters obviously, and just in general it really feels like everything you set out to do was perfect ā and you totally wouldāve been able to follow through on the potential, too, of that Iām certain. It really is just great stuff all around, cut short but not really diminished. Nature of the beast I guess. Still, Iāll give it the highest compliment I ever give ā I care about these people and I want to know what happens next (slash, in the interim, since you had to sort of ājump the gunā and hit that ending tragedy).
It's the longest one of yours I can remember off the top of my head
PFFTH. XD
Labour 6, Fool's Dilemma: 1,541 words. (failed) Labour 2, Swordmaster: 3,439 words. (failed) Labour 8, <untitled>: 3,810 words. (failed) Labour 4, The Right Decision: 5,244 words. (failed) Labour 3, Little Guardian: 5,983 words. (passed) Labour 9, Just Take A Stroll: 6,596 words.
... And after that...
Labour 1, The Deaths of Eima Illervin: 9,124 words. (passed (after appeal)) Labour 5, Apocalypse Maiden: 13,820 words. (passed)
And then...
Labour 7, Plutonian: 35,384 words. (passed (with warnings))
Yeeeeeaaaaah. XD
Hm, I'm detecting a pattern. XD
I apologize, but I just couldn't resist addressing that. I'll be responding to your review at the same time as I post yours. I've just run into a slight complication, I'll get to continuing it tomorrow!
Edit: Or maybe I'll wait. Tomorrow, I'll be able to respond to the judgments at the same time.
I swear, you are having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.
This is *cough cough* almost the longest entry in the group. Itās the longest one of yours I can remember off the top of my head. To be clear ā length is not strength. Just being longer doesnāt make something better. That saidā¦. Dude, the length was perfect, says this casual reader. The complex-ridiculous-ness of a genius slime colony worshipping the mighty god Adidas, the heartache after catastropheā¦.. wait do Ghinites have hearts? The simple-organ-ache after a catastrophe. Vows of tiny revenge. I mean come on. Itās brilliant. Itās possibly certifiably insane ā but itās brilliant.
If it werenāt so brilliant, thereās a lot of things I would complain about. Like, jumping from a lab room straight into an alien landscape was jarring and made me wonder all sorts of things ā has @platinumskink finally lost it, for one? And lots of variations on that, but also some āuh whatās this doing hereā and āwhat the hell is supposed to be going onā and āwhatās a ghiniteā and āis that Adidas like the shoe or a plural of an adida or what?ā It turns out, though, that these were all the right questions. It wasnāt random at all ā it was structured and paced and okay, maybe the structure was made of see-through goop and it was really weird, but jesus it was perfect. I mean bloody perfect. At every turn.
Alright. So story wise, Iāve got nothing to whine about. Surely I can poke holes in character development, right? Wellā¦.. KIND OF. I mean, Doctor Hogan is a fun villain, always a little creepy and blossoms into a genuine hateable guy. Aaron doesnāt get it, and I donāt like him because he never gets it, and at the end heās like oh, I think I get it, Iāll be coolā¦.. but thatās not really a weak point because, I mean, how in the hell would he have gotten it? So he actually rings pretty true ā a little on the simple side, maybe, but nothing wrong with that. The Ghinite characters are one-dimensional I guess, butā¦.. I meanā¦.. they practically ARE one-dimensional, so come on. So if I was going to poke holes, the hole Iād try to poke is āThere isnāt a whole lot of character development ā any, maybe.ā But there doesnāt need to be. Here. Other stories, less crazy stories, youāll need that ā but not here, honestly.
Writing-wise ā I had my eye open, desperate for anything I could complain about. I remember spotting only two things. Well, three ā one of them was the food-god Adidas, but that turned out to be awesome. First ā when describing the Ghinites, you said something along the lines of āthis would look creepy to a human.ā Donāt say that! Just describe it in a way thatās creepy to humans. On the one hand, showing is better than telling ā but on a more (less?) practical level, Ghinites have no concept of how they might seem to humans, so that doesnāt make sense. Yes ā in a story about cancer-curing slime creatures, Iām complaining about a description making sense. Deal with it. Second, thereās still that running tendency of yours to just leave thoughts from the narrator as things go along. Iām growing accustomed to it, it doesnāt necessarily bother me as much ā but itās still kinda sloppy to actually write out āEh, suppose thereās nothing else to it, then?ā Sounds like you ran out of things to say and wrote down the part where you ran out of things to say, and only then went on writing. Ehā¦ā¦ well I guess thatās it then, on to the conclusion.
Iām allowed to do that. Iām critiquing. Youāre telling a story!
Bah. Well the point of saying āI only found two things to hateā was that, look, there wasnāt much to hate in this entry. I mean core concept, if a person doesnāt like what youāre doing, youāre not gonna win them over ā but damn it, youāre writing like you and it really feels like itāsā¦.. uhā¦ā¦ gelling. So stick with that. And can I remark, too, that there are some objectively fantastic parts strewn about in this story ā Iāll highlight one that I really liked.
<Snipped quote>
Brilliant.
Okay. Okay. Moral isā¦ā¦ damn good job. I donāt know what to call this genre but youāre all over it like a pig in mud. It suits you exactly, and you suit it, and itāsā¦ā¦ itās awesome.
Oh, geesh. Canāt I give you a like, a laugh and a thank all rolled into one? No? Oh, too bad.
Iām very happy the entry had the intended effect on you. Yes, that switch was very much intentional, because, yes. Youāve outlined the reasons. Iām really happy it worked. Even if I totally fail the labour by any reason, Iām not totally satisfied with how my entry turned out thanks to knowing how you reacted to it~
And yes. I do need to get that out of my texts. I was actually avoiding writing comparisons to humans, but seems a few still leaked through. Probably because I wanted to enforce their aura, and thereās no easier way of enforcing an aura than to actually tell the readers what aura theyāre supposed to feel. Guess I shouldnāt do that, huh. And, um. Cases where I write things like āEh, suppose there was nothing else to it, then?ā ā¦ Thatās the thought of the character that weāre currently following. Not mine. I canāt really write their thoughts within speech, and putting it in italics feels like a waste because the thought isnāt important enough. Itās difficult to write ā, Aaron thoughtā after such a line because it can disrupt the flow of the sentence, and it works weirdly with a questionmark. Eh, guess Iāll find a way to avoid it, then. Oh, well.
Thank you very much for the review. Iām really happy you took the time to write it, because Iāll likely return and read it once a month to smile happily to myself. But of course, thereās the future, too, so yeah~! Iāll keep doing what I do~! And yes, I enjoy writing out there things, so I am very happy to hear that it suits me~
Now, then. Speaking of things that suit the authorā¦ No, wait, that's not right. Pretty sure you could write anything and make it suit you. Haha.
ā¦ Can I just pause here while Iām reading and tell how much I DREAD the coming of whatever the subject of this labour is about? I just want this story to end blissfully happily, damn it! :(
Holy wow, this is getting intense.
āLady,ā he said, looking right into her visor without batting an eye, āat this moment youāve got more firepower watching your back than the president.
Ptt- the-heh. I like that line. ā¦ Which makes me notice, thereās no closing quotation-marks. ā¦ Eh, details.
āIn the expositional overflow her author had almost forgotten about it, but it came flooding back all at once.ā
ā¦ What? Um. If āexpositional overflowā were to be replaced with āall that she had been toldā and āher authorā were to be replaced with āsheā, then this would make sense. Now, it totally sounded likeā¦ XD
āOn the one hand, most of what Bunsen told her was thematically irrelevant to the rest of her experience, and probably should have come up much later in her adventure, piecemeal, in an organic way that introduced the concepts of lightspeed as a criminal enterprise more credibly and built up her antagonists into the more nuanced characters they were always meant to be. And of course, having the whole theory based on a wild speculation after a strange fistfight and coincidental knowledge was extremely hand-wavey, which she hated ā she wished that Bunsen had taken Beskās name and description, done a little actual investigating, maybe incorporating some conflict with his upstart partner Anyang, and come to his conclusions a little more naturally. His little interview should have just been a folksy, irreverent display of how he actually does care about Tainaās cold case, and how he was going to be an unlikely ally in the future. But, on the other hand, the way things were revealed all at once meant she and Tony had a better idea of what was coming, and they could get to the bloody point ā which was certainly a relief.ā
That, uh. That paragraph sounds very, VERY odd. Especially because I was trying to read it as part of the story in my first read-through. That, uh, didnāt make sense. Especially how you somehow mix in the characterās opinion on the way that you wrote the entryā¦
āWe gave him a lot, and he magically knew a lot more because the authorās tiredā
OY! XD
āItāll make the editing process easier.ā
I canāt tell if this is an actual serious line that I donāt get or if this is another joke from a tired mdk.
āAll of this would have been a better way to work through that massive exposition-splosion, but that ship has sailed, so just pretend we covered that here differently and it made more sense or something, Idunno.ā
Oh, cāmon, I wouldnāt even have noticed it if this kinds of things werenāt included in the text itselfā¦! XD
āYou remember those ships I told you about, in that exposition?ā
Geeeesh. It gets even WEIRDER when you mix that into actual in-story dialogue!
I donāt know if you edited it afterwards, but I actually really LIKED the exposition! It was an amazing realization, and it made Bunsen out to be awesome, clever, and that he got the job done! It also made Taina thoroughly badass by suddenly showing the things sheās capable of! Donāt do that to your textā¦! XD
ā¦ Ooooh. So she heads out with Bunsen and becomes an unlikely duo thatāll fight crime together? Heās the unsuspected genius detective thatāll unearth all the plans of the criminals, sheās the cybernetic unintended super-soldier with a bone to pick with them, and together theyāll strike fear into the hearts of all the scum of the universe? I lllllllllllike it! Alright. Now, let me go on and start more properly commenting on your entry.
Itās great. You really caused me to care a lot about this girl, and really, REALLY made me want to see her succeed! You had a relatively small cast, but honestly, this is a good thing! Each one of the main souls got the attention and traits that was needed to make them feel like excellent additions, and the text is littered with the tiny little jokes that normal humans do to bring smiles to faces, and it WORKS! It makes it very entertaining to read, because all the characters feel so very much alive! So little was actually happening, but it was great to see the small improvements as they made their way towards getting her to become a functional part of society and such!
Then, of course, there came the āgotta catch the criminalsā part of it. That was great, too. I could get excited, wondering what was going to happen. The fact she also could kick ass made Taina all the more likable in an unexpected way. Who doesnāt like a chick that can kick ass? Especially when it was this unexpected! Haha! She really is genuinely likable. Pryce turning his back to the company orders brought a nice smile to my face. Oh, and that exposition? Sitting down with Bunsen and hearing all this? How you mixed in the fact about the previous entry and made it make sense? The fact that the entire story actually made sense? ā¦ I LOVE IT! Proved that Bunsen was the genuine article who had done his research for her sake, and made the final scene when she joined him SO MUCH GREATER than it would have been had he not been given that. Not to mention, how EXTREMELY WELL āAbyssā, which I read before this, actually worked as an introduction to this entry! It was very confusing on its own, but like this? Heck, prologues are SUPPOSED to be confusing, so the reader doesnāt start feeling at home before the story starts! And this entry eventually came to tying up the loose ends, EXACTLY in the way a story should eventually explain its prologue! I really, REALLY liked how you set this up!
So, there were a few misses. You seem not to have liked that scene as much as I did, since you COMMENTED ON IT THROUGHOUT THE ENTRY AFTER THAT. Yikes. I wouldnāt even have noticed that was the supposed exposition had you not been doing that. I was just imagining four pages of just paragraphs telling me of things happening around her in her life that was going to totally disconnect us from her. But, it all happened as she heard it. Show, donāt tell, was it? Well, you had Bunsen SHOWING the fruits of his labour! Very much different from just having had the narrator tell us, because now I still felt like I was deeply connected to the main character, because I learned of the things just as she did. What DID disconnect me, was when you strew strange references through the rest of the story. That was really, REALLY weird, but you hardly need me to tell you not to do that, soā¦ XD
Alright, so the reveal about Anyang. I think that was a reveal.
āReal name Anyang. Associate fed up with his bullshit, existed as a pain in my ass for five years, refuses to vanish. FML.ā
ā¦ Er. That was a reveal that he was Besk, right? Butā¦ Anyang wasnāt a lizard, was he? Er. Iām confused. So, that didnāt really work, I think. Had he had an operation, or something?
There was one part I got bored and had to put down the entry for a bit on. It was in that middle part when she just had Tony steal all the equipment and took the Maggie and Al to the festival. Looking at it now, it doesnāt look that difficult, but eh, I was tired after a lot of reading. Putting it down probably made me enjoy the last bit more. Haha.
The part where she leftā¦ I didnāt understand it. Alright, so she had continued trying to recover her memories. That, to me, is her choice. While I understand Maggieās and Alās angerā¦ ā¦ ā¦ I suppose I just canāt really enjoy that part. Tony just vanished? What for? Sure, they might have thrown him out or something, but he couldnāt even see her? Wouldnāt take her calls? What for? I assume this is the point where the labourās supposed to be being cleared, but, in that case, who has Taina been the tool of? The labour needs the character to be used by another characterā¦ which I can possibly see that it could be the case, but, it isnāt explained in the entry. Looks to me like this was very much on her own, not her being used by someone. Is this another case of you coming at the labour from an angle that I just canāt see, again? Will I go āOH! So THATāS what wasā¦!ā once again? I donāt know. Iāll leave that to the judges.
But all in allā¦ I really, REALLY liked this entry. The characters were amazingly life-like, I really started to honestly desire that this was going to become- *realization*- ah. That little thing just before the final partā¦ the ones who used her via the labour was Maggie and Al, wasnāt it? But, the ones that they used her as a tool to unintentionally hurtā¦ was herself? No, wait, does that even make sense? I, er, I THINK Iām reaching in the right direction, but I think Iām not entirely grasping itā¦ Eghā¦
Well. In any case. I liked it. I like what youāre doing. This is amazing. Good job. The little details, like the Ramen-Ya and the police officer who jokingly asked her to marry him, the reference to Hitchhikerās Guide and more, I love them, the entire piece feels so extremely alive. Well, maybe a bit less towards the end, but you get the point. I really like the thought of the crime-fighting duo of talented detective Bunsen and donāt-bloody-underestimate-her Taina. Not sure if thatās where you were going with it, but I like it. Haha. Gosh.
I also really liked the time-travelling pirates plot. Iām not entirely sure how the guy got caught after it, but eh, maybe thatās another side-plot. Itās the future. Maybe that was someone with a similar face. XD Eh, Iām sidetracked. I liked it, okay? Iāll leave the rest to Terminal. Nicely frigginā done. Haha.
1x Laugh
