RPGC #5: FEAR Voting and discussion

[mdk]

I just finished Damocles, and now I need some time to brood before I review things. Tonight! I hope. Unless I turn lazy again.

edit: I turned lazy again. First thing tomorrow, pinky swear.

[mdk]

Protection

@NarayanK

I'm the Form First guy. The form of this poem doesn't blow me away but it's actually pretty clever -- and it's growing on me. The irregular rhyming and meter sorta makes the whole thing feel a bit off and contributes a lot to the sort of paranoid-delusion impression. Which, incidentally, isn't all that crazy in this case, since civilian surveillance is a real thing, but still. Think, drink, go pink, I think.... it feels spot-on. This is one of those rare times where I congratulate someone on NOT using regular schemes. It works! It could've also worked with more consistency, but that's not the point. This works.

Content-wise, it's also pretty solid. Again, doesn't blow me away but it does grow on me. The paranoia feels real (*ahem* because it kind of IS real) and the whole thing gels really well with the wild, irregular structure of the poem. Basically, what you've done here is write a good poem. I mean, that's the long and short of it. Everything you're doing is right. I'd love to suggest areas for improvement, but I've got to reach for them..... maybe a broader/stronger message? Or maybe the SAME message, but portrayed in a little more regular way? After all, the speaker doesn't HAVE to be 'off' to be worried about this. Idunno. It's really solid all around and I don't have much I can add, sorry! Well done.

the elevator

@wisedragongirl

Excellent characters, and a great little plot. Also a charming take on the contest theme -- not 'overcoming' fear per se, but enduring it and dealing with it, and what that does to the people around you. I friggin' LOVED the kids, and Sarah, and heck even Rob. And the conclusion was perfect -- hopeful, but not cheaply so. Like "Yes, it's going to suck, but I'll do it."

Perfect? Close, anyway. If it's lacking anything, it's that I don't really feel like the elevator getting stuck was THAT big of a deal, and I really should. Because I know what claustrophobia is, I can infer what must've been going on in his head, but it would've been a lot stronger if I could see that too. You covered it some -- banging on the walls and freaking out and scaring his kids, all very good for a 'show-don't-tell' approach. I think I would've liked a LITTLE bit of 'tell' in this case though. The bulk of your story is about his family and friend making him feel better and that sorta overwhelms the terror he was feeling, so that at the end, when he's looking back at that horrible experience, I feel like "Well it wasn't THAT bad, Sarah and the kids were right there and they totally supported him through the whole thing." Even though I can infer that it WAS 'that bad,' it would've probably helped me to see it expressed..... not more CLEARLY necessarily, but maybe just "more." The terror gets lost in the good feels, just a little bit, just enough to mention it.

It was incredible storytelling, and not at all what I was expecting to see in a "Fear" theme. Positively touching, and it arrived at a compelling and positive conclusion. Very clever; very well written. Great job.

what war takes from me

@Dewey Deftones

What a twisted little unit these two are. That's an extremely interesting couple, conveyed well.

Here's my chief complaint: the big-picture questions, like "Why is she so self-destructive?" and "Why does he have to run off and die?" are largely taken for granted. It makes the whole thing feel a little artificial -- this sorta-doomed relationship is inherently great writing material, but we're not REALLY exploring it. In a totally trite and unfair summary, it's like "Oh, this is bad and fate stinks, WOE! And now, I die." You, obviously, did nothing to deserve that, but I'm saying it to hopefuly make you think about what you did to make your story different and what you COULD do to make it stand out more.

To clarify -- it's an outstanding thing to write about. That you chose to write about it, therefore, speaks volumes. But you didn't really tap much of the potential that's there. So you're absolutely coming from a fantastic place, but you're not going super far from there. Let's have more story, yeah? Let's really meet these people and see how they do and don't work together as a couple.

kitsune

@Dedonus

If you're following along with the reviews, this one is kind of the opposite of 'What War Takes From Me.' It's -- I'm being blunt -- not all that interesting of a premise, but you went all-out and made something out of it anyway. If I could take @Dewey Deftones's characters, or even just one of them, and give them the treatment you gave Kyra, I think we'd have an incredible story.

Let's back up. "Not all that interesting of a premise?" Why not? What I mean is, there's no reason anywhere for Kyra to be a magic fox. That is the central conflict and it's just not justified. She has to hide it with a power suppressor and confide in her also-magic friend and we're all like..... why? Why any of that? BUT! The emotional struggles and the family dynamic are all told pretty well in spite of that. Would've been better if that final line about 'fearing what they don't understand' was backed up by some event in the story, but you get by just fine on the development you've got.

I think it'd be really interesting to see what you can do with a more grounded story. Inventing new magical worlds is kind of awesome though, so don't sweat it.

the trees

@mdk

I'm not crazy about anything before the creepy homeless guy breaks in, and the end was a little rushed, but I think it works.

Damocles

@KeyGuyPerson

Once upon a time, on 'Small House,' I said that the people impacted by your grand war didn't feel real enough. I don't know if that registered or not -- but you have destroyed that complaint.

There's a few things I could suggest for improvements, but you've kinda already acknowledged ALL of them in your notes. Well..... some of the "Look at how 2015 it is!" felt a little extraneous. "Modern times" would've been good enough. You didn't have to go THAT HARD after setting a very specific year; then again, making it literally right now does add some weight to the hanging sword, so whatever. Given total authority over the story, I'd back off the Star Wars anticipation and the hashtagging or whatever, but that's just me.

The air-to-air combat occupies a large amount of the story, and like you said, it needs some more research. Fun fact -- I actually did some BFM-type training in flight school, so I totally know everything about everything on that front, for reals! Eh.... Well the point is, when something isn't researched well enough, there's always that one asshole out there who knows better, and they roll their eyes a little. No big deal. Most of the real tactics are secret anyway, but there are a few good History channel shows about Vietnam and Korea that could help -- those were great air-to-air wars for fiction writers.

Let's talk about what worked here, besides EVERYTHING. This felt significant. This story carried all the weight of the sword of Damocles -- great title btw -- and it focused on all the right places. Those spots of humanity in a monstrous war are all that the readers can ever really care about. The horror was horrible, the heroism was heroic, the danger is real in real life, oh my god, were we really saved by a stubborn Ruskie, jesus, that HAPPENED? OH MY GOD. You've got an incredible gift for picking out these spectacular moments in history and making them yours.

All in all..... what else can I say that I haven't already said? Go write novels and get rich already. Take my vote, you earned it. I think this was the best yet, which is a high bar to clear in your case. Amazing.

End of the day, I can't help it -- @vote for @Keyguyperson, because my god, that was absolutely incredible.

[Loksfjoer]

I have read everything now. Time for a word of feedback and the most difficult part: the vote.

So, I'm going to skip grammatical feedback. Going over the stories I didn't see any grammatical errors, but that doesn't mean they aren't any. I tend to read over small mistakes. I hope the feedback will be good enough. If anyone has additional questions, feel free to ask them.

Protection

@NarayanK
I'm not an expert on poetry, so it's hard to give feedback to this. There is some rhyming, but not following a pattern. Now, I don't know about the rules when it comes to poetry, but personally I like to see consistency and I'm missing that here. I suppose that is just personal preference though. The story portrayed here is intriguing,

What war takes from me

@Dewey Deftones
It's a heavy subject to write about, but the story itself feels a bit impersonal. We as readers are being told what happened, but we don't really get to know the characters and therefore it's hard to sympathize with them and feel their pain and fear. I can understand how the main character feels and the imagery of the battlefield is well portrayed, but the story lacks a certain depth.

Kitsune

@Dedonus
At first when Kyra looks at herself in the mirror it feels like it's normal to have ears and fox-tails. I was already imagining the entire family to have features like that. It's not until the next paragraph I realized she has to hide that from her family. Maybe it would have been better if she looked in the mirror and showed surprise or worry or something to make the reader realize something is not right. Of course it's not normal to have a fox-like appearance, but in fantasy stories anything goes. So there's that.

We don't really get to know why she has these powers and her family doesn't, what these metahumans are. It would have been nice to have that explained. That would also explain why she has to be afraid her family finds out. So that's a detail I'm missing here.

The story has a nice flow to it and it's detailed enough to see what is happening. Kyra's confusion when her family doesn't notice anything when she feels they should is the same as the reader's confusion. I liked that. And it was nice to read she wasn't alone with her powers, but the final paragraph does lose a bit of it's impact because the reader doesn't know why it's a bad thing to be a metahuman and what happens when people figure that out.

The trees

@mdk
Disturbing contents, that's true. It's a proper horror story. I assume the mother died, but I don't really get why the tree wanted the boy to watch that. Or how they took away his speech and ability to understand others, although that could be explained by living through a traumatizing event. Parts of the story are a bit confusing (which could be just me), but it's really well told. (I read what you wrote in your reviews about your own story...what homeless guy?)

Also, I get why you censored the cursing, but I seriously thought 'farting kid? what? that doesn't make much sense...'farting come on'?... oh, right!' So yeah, it took me a bit to fill in the blanks and come up with a more logical word to put there XD but that has nothing to do with your writing, I thought I'd share it for a good laugh.

Damocles

@KeyGuyPerson
That warning was well deserved, disturbing images and a grim future, but it certainly was a good story. I read your notes and I have little prior knowledge about air-warfare, so you could have described any kind of far-fetched manoeuvres and I would have been fine with it. The fighting scenes were well described, there was enough action and it was easy to visualize what was going on.

We get to know the important characters gradually and I enjoyed reading about them, everyone was normal and likeable and the interaction between them was enjoyable. It certainly helped to feel for them when things went wrong.

What I miss in your notes is a translation of what those Chinese people said. Something I personally try to do when I add a foreign language in a story is adding a translation for those who don't know it in a footnote or something, somewhere after the initial conversation. I really want to know what was said and I get the main character doesn't know either and to gradually figure it out what is going on with the main character works great in the story itself, but as a reader I would have loved the insight after the conversation was over.

A very minor question that got raised during reading it is why Dione had to run to another classroom with a radio when most students had their laptops with internet connection on it. Going to an online radio seems a bit faster, but for the added drama and suspense reading how she ran through the school and back to the class did add to the story.

The way the living corpse was described was quite detailed and the scene heartbreaking. Just like the travel to the safe haven afterwards. Good job on that.

The story is certainly believable, it's detailed and the characters are wonderfully displayed, which only helps to feel for their fate.

My @vote is for @Keyguyperson. While I prefer lighter happy-ending stories, I can't deny this story is of high quality.

[Dedonus]

@mdk@WiseDragonGirl

Fair analyses. It is my own fault for using genre-specific terms and assuming that the reader would assume an X-Men-like hatred towards people who are different. I agree I could have made Kyra look more surprised, or rather made it more clear that her metahuman status = her fox-like appearance.

Also, fyi:
Metahuman = anyone with superpowers.

[mdk]

@wisedragongirl -- the home invader wasn't *really* a tree, it was a homeless guy with camo pants. The idea was to tell it in the same way the kid would've been seeing it, like in a nightmare, because yeah he's completely and totally traumatized by it and has no way of making sense of anything. I get the 'confusing' note a lot when I do stuff like this, and I should've learned my lesson by now.

[Dedonus]

@wisedragongirl -- the home invader wasn't *really* a tree, it was a homeless guy with camo pants. The idea was to tell it in the same way the kid would've been seeing it, like in a nightmare, because yeah he's completely and totally traumatized by it and has no way of making sense of anything. I get the 'confusing' note a lot when I do stuff like this, and I should've learned my lesson by now.

@mdk

I too did not get a crazy homeless guy out of that either.

[Loksfjoer]

@wisedragongirl -- the home invader wasn't *really* a tree, it was a homeless guy with camo pants. The idea was to tell it in the same way the kid would've been seeing it, like in a nightmare, because yeah he's completely and totally traumatized by it and has no way of making sense of anything. I get the 'confusing' note a lot when I do stuff like this, and I should've learned my lesson by now.

@mdk

You were definitely able to get a clear image through the child's eyes across with your writing, I really pictured large living monstrous trees entering the home while crazy homeless guy does make sense, in horror stories any kind of monsters possible so I didn't think the idea of evil trees was that far-fetched.

[mdk]

<Snipped quote by mdk>

You were definitely able to get a clear image through the child's eyes across with your writing, I really pictured large living monstrous trees entering the home while crazy homeless guy does make sense, in horror stories any kind of monsters possible so I didn't think the idea of evil trees was that far-fetched.

@WiseDragonGirl

I mean, Homeless Guy is who the police probably would've arrested in this story, but maybe the walking tree just got away with murder.

[Loksfjoer]

I didn't enter the 4th round, so I don't know how it was there, but the voting for this round seems less exciting then the first 3 rounds...

[Keyguyperson]

I didn't enter the 4th round, so I don't know how it was there, but the voting for this round seems less exciting then the first 3 rounds...

@WiseDragonGirl

Yeah, I'd feel good about winning with 100% support, but I feel like people just aren't voting for some reason. Which is probably true. I hope we get a surge the day before or the day of closing, it happened before.

[Dedonus]

I @vote for @Dedonus (i.e. myself)
_{Hopefully I am not breaking the rules by voting for myself. If I am, I can change it...}

[Loksfjoer]

In this thread there aren't any voting rules specified as far as I can see, but I assumed we were supposed to vote for an entry other than our own. In this thread it states that you must have read everything and then vote for the story you liked best. I feel my story was good enough to vote for myself (while Keyguyperson's story really is of good quality, it's not the kind of story I generally enjoy reading), but I don't think that's how the voting is supposed to work. That could be just me of course, in the end that is up to @mdk.

@Keyguyperson getting 100% of the votes is a good feeling, even if it is just 2/2 ^_^ That still means the two people who read it felt it was the best.
You really should tell me what those Chinese guys said to each other. Google translate was no help at all.

In general, I'm glad I was able to make some time and read all the entries this time. Of course there weren't that many entries in this round, that helped. I have the utmost respect for everyone who gave feedback on every story in the previous rounds when there were even more entries.

[Keyguyperson]

Oh yeah, I still haven't done that.

What the Chinese soldiers said is actually pretty straightforward. I don't remember the actual translation, and google translate doesn't help because I used the romanizations, but I remembered the gist of it. Basically, the first one was about to shoot Niall (which we know), but the other one came running after he heard that the missiles had been launched. His screams startled the first one, and was simply "Stop! Stop!" if my memory is correct. Luckily for Niall, his surprise made him miss, after which the second soldier tells the first that the missiles have been launched, then says "It's all over". The first is confused, and continually asks why. The second one says he doesn't know (Again, if I remember correctly), and just starts saying "It's over, it's over". Orders to not shoot are given, and the first one asks "Why not kill him? He did this to us!". The second says that it wasn't him who turned the key, and that everyone is a victim at this point.

There are probably a few problems with the order I put things in here, but that's more or less what happened.

[mdk]

In this thread there aren't any voting rules specified as far as I can see, but I assumed we were supposed to vote for an entry other than our own. In this thread it states that you must have read everything and then vote for the story you liked best. I feel my story was good enough to vote for myself (while Keyguyperson's story really is of good quality, it's not the kind of story I generally enjoy reading), but I don't think that's how the voting is supposed to work. That could be just me of course, in the end that is up to @mdk.

@WiseDragonGirl

It's allowed, and at the same time, we hope you don't. Being totally happy with your own writing is not a great way to get better at it -- and that's what we're really trying to do here.

We're not going to stop people from voting for themselves unless that starts to ruin the contest. But we hope that everyone can look at other people's writing objectively and congratulate them on jobs well done.

[ayzrules]

"Fǒu! Fǒu!"

The screaming came with the sound of more rustling leaves, and the next thing he knew, there was a gunshot. He closed his eyes at the sound, fully expecting to die instantly. He didn't feel anything though. For a moment, he wondered if the universe was merciful enough to take away the pain of death.

"Tāmen tuīchū hé dǎodàn! Jiéshùle!" Said the same man who had been screaming earlier.

The gunshot had made it clear that they were soldiers, but Niall had no idea what they were saying. He didn't know a word of Chinese, for all he knew, they could be discussing whether to kill him or take him prisoner.

"Hé dǎodàn?" Asked the man who Niall thought was the first soldier to find him. His voice was quivering, hopefully a sign that he wasn't going to shoot again. "W-wèishéme ne? Tāmen wèishéme yào nàme zuò ne?"

"Měiguó tuīchū tāmen de, ránhòu èluósī. Jiéshùle, jiéshùle..." At this point, the man was clearly in tears. Not happy ones either, he was devastated. It wasn't the voice of a man who had failed his mission, it was the voice of a man who had just seen everything he loved burnt to dust before him.

"Wèishéme ne?"

"Wǒ bù zhīdào! Zhǐyào bù shāle tā!"

"Wèishéme ne?" Yelled the other man, less sorrowful and more angry. "Tāmen shāle wǒmen suǒyǒu rén! Měi gèrén! Tāmen shāle dàjiā!"

"Tā méiyǒu zuò dào zhè yīdiǎn! Zhè shì tā de zhèngfǔ, méiyǒu rén huì xiǎng zhège! Bǎ qiāng fàngxià!"

That awkward moment when you're not supposed to know what the people are saying but you know how to speak chinese :D

and pardon me if i'm wrong, but i think (in the exact order) it's something like:
no! no! they launched the nuclear missiles! it's over!
the nuclear missile? why? why would they do that?
america launched them, and then russia. it's over, it's over...
why?
i don't know! as long as they don't kill him
why? they killed all of our people! every person! they killed everyone!
he didn't do this! it was his government. put the gun down!

*this is not directly translated, more like interpreted*

[Keyguyperson]

<Snipped quote>

That awkward moment when you're not supposed to know what the people are saying but you know how to speak chinese :D

and pardon me if i'm wrong, but i think (in the exact order) it's something like:
no! no! they launched the nuclear missiles! it's over!
the nuclear missile? why? why would they do that?
america launched them, and then russia. it's over, it's over...
why?
i don't know! as long as they don't kill him
why? they killed all of our people! every person! they killed everyone!
he didn't do this! it was his government. put the gun down!

*this is not directly translated, more like interpreted*

@ayzrules

That seems about right, I'm honestly surprised you actually managed to get something out of it. Because nobody I know knows Chinese, so I used Google Translate. Nice to know it's somewhat coherent.

[ayzrules]

<Snipped quote by ayzrules>

That seems about right, I'm honestly surprised you actually managed to get something out of it. Because nobody I know knows Chinese, so I used Google Translate. Nice to know it's somewhat coherent.

@Keyguyperson

I mean i thought the use of the "fou" was weird, because people would normally say "bu" for no but you know what it's google translate lol

but yeah it makes some sense :D

if u wanted to put it into google translate yourself:
否否！
他们推出核导弹！结束了！
核导弹？为什么呢？他们为什么要那么做呢？
美国推出他们的， 然后俄罗斯。 结束了， 结束了
为什么？
我不知道！只要不杀了他！
为什么？他们杀了我们所有人！每个人！他们杀了大家！
他没有做到这一点！这是他的政府， 没有人会像这个！把枪放下！

[Holmishire]

I've been caught in a constant—and still ongoing—stream of midterms and large projects, so I haven't been able to devote a lot of time here this month. I apologize, for my reviews won't receive nearly as much attention as I normally give them.

>C+

Entry #1: Protection

An interesting subject with some imagery and metaphor, but the poetic structure threw me off. Rhymes were inconsistent, rhyming schemes were inconsistent, metre was inconsistent. Half-way between structured and non-structured, but I don't see the benefit of such a style.

Of course, it's poetry, and I've never been much good at reviewing poetry.

>C+

Entry #2: the Elevator

This entry gets the message across, but does little more than that. The characters, while given the opportunity to develop a little bit through the driving conflict of the story, were rather generic overall. The most detail into their lives we received as readers was a hint as to the couple's previous hardships in relation to Ben's fear. Essentially, from a narrative perspective, it did not appear to be particularly ambitious in either scope or depth, and such had little room to intrigue me.

As for the writing itself, it was, for the most part, good. Lots of description, and action well conveyed. However, there were two facets that could use improvement.

First, the dialogue, which felt rather stilted. The characters used each others names too often, despite it being obvious who they were talking to. They often repeated each other unnecessarily, such as when "You know that," was followed by "I know," which felt pretty awkward. Finally, everyone seemed to be speaking in a turn-based manner, allowing other characters to fully express themselves before speaking, which slowed down the flow of dialogue.

Second, like the dialogue, much of the action felt stilted, in particular due to the use of suddenness modifiers. While using sudden and its derivatives technically conveys the meaning needed, from a narrative perspective, it bulks up the sentence, slowing it down. To counteract this, one can take advantage of tools like the dash or carefully placed paragraph breaks to emphasize the distinct suddenness of change.

>B-

Entry #3: What War Takes From Me

Short but effective narrative, delving more into the core of the character than the story itself. The imagery was powerful, and the narrator's voice consistent. The use of second person pronouns was also effective, helping to hit home just how personal this individual's fears struck home.

Little to criticize, simply a case of limited scope.

>C+

Entry #4: Kitsune

The protagonist was developed well enough to be sympathized with, and the story conveyed the necessary moments to send across the message and moral. That said, too often did it feel like events witched focus too fast, one moment being struck by debilitating panic and the next a sense of defeatist acceptance. Essentially, mood swings, and tension swings, abound.

>B+

Entry #5: the Trees

Great use of voice and contrast. It felt awkward at first, but through its persistence, it caught stride. The same holds true for the powerful tree imagery—at first, I was confused, wondering whether a tree had hit the house or burglars, if it was the Dad or the Mom who Newman had attacked. But it all became clear eventually, and that creepy ending really drove it home.

>B+

Entry #6: Damocles

Great story, with the scope I've come to expect of you. Action was very well written, super captivating. I really connected with Niall as a character. However, the scenes of his daughter and wife felt like they were included only to amplify the tragic nature of the story—they felt poorly developed, a tool to an end.

I @vote for the Trees. Now to read the rest of the thread, and then glorious sleep.

[mdk]

Voting is now closed!

This was a low-volume contest, but certainly not a weak one -- contained here are some of my favorite RPGC entries of all time, and I get the feeling they'll stand up for a long time that way. These were INCREDIBLE, and if you haven't read them yet, you really should -- top to bottom, great job, and that's coming from the heart.

Because of the low volume, and the new thing we tried with bonuses that didn't really pan out, the trophies for this contest are gonna work a little different. Luckily, we do have a clear-cut winner of the open vote, so that part's normal, but in this weird instance, both runners-up are sorta self-awarding, and I feel like the Fonz-er move is to advance the 'second place'-ish trophy to the consensus staff-pick, because that was unanimous. So, without further ado:

Winner: 'Damocles' by @Keyguyperson!

I've probably said enough about how good this was by now, but let's say it again for good measure -- a total picture of mankind's truest nightmare, and a chilling one at that.

Staff Choice: 'The Elevator' by @WiseDragonGirl!

This simple narrative was optimistic and very well-written, and creatively subversive on the "Fear" theme. We simply love it.

Runners-up

'Kitsune' by @dedonus. Does a lot of things very right, and showcases some clear development as a writer. You're on the right track, [@deadonus]!

'The Trees' by @mdk. I guess I'd call it a supremely dark look through the eyes of a child, and reviewers agree it was chilling, if a little confusing at times.

And Remember!

The Fifth Labor is coming tonight! @Terminal's contest is absolutely fantastic -- if you haven't checked it out yet, you're doing it wrong! Find the conversation thread here and stand by for another chapter in the running challenge.

LOOKING AHEAD

Next month is November, and November is National Novel Writing Month! I absolutely swear by this marathon writing challenge. RPGC is scheming to incorporate NaNoWriMo participants into our prize pool. You should totally give it a try -- but whether you choose to NaNo or not, we'll have another RPGC coming in November.

Congratulations to all, and thanks!

[Dedonus]

Runners-up

'Kitsune' by @Dedonus. Does a lot of things very right, and showcases some clear development as a writer. You're on the right track, @Dedonus!

@mdk

Thanks for the acknowledgement! Isn't it one of the reasons why we're doing this, to get feedback on our writing? One thing I tried to get right was to write a story that could be self-contained, rather than something that probably would have been more suited for being a chapter of a longer work.

Edit: Also, you misspelled my name. There is no "a" in "Dedonus".