[IC] In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

[megatrash]

About an hour later, the five of them were all at the bar of a packed nightclub in the heart of the city. Techno music was thumping loudly, and the only way to converse was by shouting at each other, which Austin and Sam were doing with two girls they had met. Mia was standing behind Jane on her bar stool and fiddling with her long, blonde locks.

"Jesus Christ, Jane, have you brushed your hair since I saw you last?" she shouted the question as her fingers worked through her hair. “White girls, man.”
Jane was wincing at the pain she was causing, but the inquiry still caused a laugh. "Don't think so. What the hell are you doing to me?"
"Almost done!" Mia said in her ear right before she swiveled Jane around to face her. "It looks so good."
Jane's hair, usually voluminous with knots and natural thickness, now sat closer to her skull, and a braid trailed her hair from her part around to behind her ear.

"Look, Rob," Mia nudged him to get his attention. "Girl, you should take better care of yourself. You'd look so much better if you tried once in a while."
Jane put on a mockingly snobby expression on her face as the two eyed her. "Yes, you are so right. I'm actually dying for a manicure."
"Oh god, I don't even want to see your nails," Mia covered her eyes, and Jane stuck a tongue out at the two of them.
"Not gonna lie, it is nice to be able to see," Jane smirked as she grabbed her beer from the bar and took a sip.
Mia leaned over into her ear. "Wanna go smoke a joint? Just the two of us?"
Jane nodded as Mia grabbed her hand and yanked her from the bar stool.

"Hey, Rob," Jane called as she put a hand on his shoulder, "I'll be right back." She gave him a reassuring nod as Mia dragged her away outside of a side door.

The alley they stood it was so narrow that Jane came to the conclusion that it was a mistake on the architect's behalf. The tall buildings that sandwiched them almost looked as if they would collide into one another. Jane wasn't used to the chilly nights here, and she hugged herself and Mia lit the joint and passed it to her.

"Thanks for taking us out, Mia," Jane smiled as smoke trickled from her lips.
Mia scoffed and plucked the joint out of her fingers tips. "Of course, girl. I love seeing old friends here in this big, scary city." She handed the joint back to Jane as she exhaled. "You gotta tell me if Rob's single or not."

Jane could get her fight-or-flight instincts kicking in as soon as Mia finished the question. There were so many things she wanted to tell her:
"Actually, Mia, I'm eventually going to profess my feelings for him, so I'd rather you not fuck him."
"No, Mia. He's not."
"He and I are together. Sorry!"

"Um," Jane began, shaking the thoughts from her head, "yeah. Yeah, he's single."
Mia smiled with satisfaction. "Good. He's gotten even cuter since the last time I saw him."
Jane forced a smile and nodded.
"Jane, I never told you this, but," Mia's demeanor changed as she exhaled the smoke, "Rob and I hooked up before I left for New York."
She nearly choked as she inhaled the joint. "Oh."
Mia nodded. "I figured he had told you, but I felt bad for not. I just never knew what was going on between you two. If figured yall would be married by now."
Jane squeezed her eyes shut momentarily before replying. “Uh, no. We’re just friends.” Her heart was racing as Mia extinguished the joint and nodded her head towards the door.
“You ready to go back in?” Mia asked as she extended her hand to Jane.
Jane shook her head as she hugged herself again. “Uh, not yet. I’m gonna get some air.”
Mia displayed a concerned expression. “Okay. Don’t freeze. You don’t have an ounce of fat on you.”
Jane smiled and nodded. “I’ll be in soon.”

As soon as the door swung shut, Jane leaned against the wall and shut her eyes. Why the hell didn’t Rob tell her he slept with Mia? He knew all of the people that she had slept with. She told him everything. Not only that, but now, thanks to her own pride and lack of courage in the situation, Rob was now a target for Mia’s advances. All because Jane didn’t want to make herself vulnerable, she’d have to deal with the possibility of them hooking up. Again.

Jane lit a cigarette in her trembling hands. The nights she had fantasized about with Rob were now replaced with Mia, and the visual in her made nearly made her puke; the consequences of her idleness felt as if they were punching her repeatedly in the stomach.

After eventually making her way into the bar, she plopped down on her bar stool in the middle of the others and ordered a shot of tequila, not hesitation to throw back the clear liquid as soon as it was served to her. “Another one, please,” she requested as she scooted the glass back towards the bartender.

Austin came over and placed a hand on her shoulder as shew waited for the second shot. “Someone is trying to get drunk,” he said close to her ear so he wouldn’t have to shout.
“Yep,” Jane replied, unamused with his observation.
“Need to talk?” He asked her, his playful tone now switching to a worried one as he noticed her distress.
“Nope,” Jane replied matter-of-factly as she received her second shot and downed it just as quickly as the last.
“Jane, come on. Lighten up. You guys aren’t together,” Austin tried to reason as he eyed Mia talking to Rob. “And I thought you didn’t want to be.”
“I’m fine.” Jane chugged the rest of her beer and ordered another. “I’ll be fine.”

She watched the crowd of people jumping and dancing to the beat mindlessly as she sipped the new beer. Part of her wanted to jump in, to dance with someone, to be touched by a stranger, to forget everything that was unfolding in front of her.

The other part just wanted to go home and sleep the night off.

Jane figured getting drunk in silence was a good middle ground. Sulking in the realization of the pain she had caused herself, in her mind, was what she deserved. She wasn't going to stop Rob from doing what he wanted, and if he wanted Mia, she would have to live with it.

As the night continued, Jane only spoke when spoken to, and she unintentionally bit on her bottom lip as she stared off into space. The effects of the alcohol were beginning to make there appearance, and her racing mind began to slow, and she sighed at the temporary relief. She talked to Sam and Austin, mostly them asking for her opinion on different girls at the bar.

"She's cute," Jane pointed conspicuously. "Brunette, nice ass. Seems like your type, Sam."
"Oh, J, you know me so well," he smiled as he grabbed the sides of her head and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Wish me luck."
"Good luck," Austin and Jane said in unison as Sam dashed off to the dance floor to explore his interest.
Austin turned his attention to her, and she immediately got uncomfortable.
"You gonna tell me what's going on, J?"
"Nothing, Austin. I just... I didn't tell him how I felt. I don't want to ruin things. Things have been so good." Her speech was slurring slightly as she confessed the emotions she was feeling. "But now Mia is here and... it would just be a cop out to jump in and tell him everything now. I can't do that just because I'm jealous."
Austin nodded in agreement. "But, you're gonna have to tell him soon enough. It's eating away at you. Look, you're drunk as fuck right now."
Jane flashed him a smile. "So, it's not all bad, right?"

Let It Be by Blackmill began to fill the bar, and Jane closed her eyes and nodded her head to the beat. "I fuckin' love this song," she admitted, not really talking to anyone but herself. A cigarette hung out of her mouth as she sang along quietly, only being removed to sip her drink, but after the first round of the chorus ended, she let out a "fuck it" and stood up.

"I'm going out there," she notified Austin.

Jane weaved her way onto the dance floor and shut her eyes once again as her body moved to the rhythm of the music. Any time an unwanted hand touched her or someone's body came behind her, she'd shove them off her without interrupting herself. A pleasurable sensation moved through her body, however, from the heat of the packed crowd surrounding her until the song ended and she found her way back to the bar.

"I think I'm gonna call it a night guys," she lazily pushed out as she checked the time on her phone. "Don't forget we have that interview tomorrow at 9."

[HangYourSecrets]

It was unbearably loud in the nightclub. Rob felt as if he was essentially in the beating heart of the entire city; the walls pulsed and pumped around him, complete with the red lights that hung above and the swaying bodies moving throughout the dance-floor.

Rob, Sam, and Austin had claimed a half-circular booth off to the side of the floor, talking to themselves, having drinks that cost more than a tank of gas in their van, and talking to the various women that moved about them. Jane and Mia had stepped out a moment ago, and it was like the floodgates had opened; word has spread about their activity in the band. It was like the woman here wanted a claim to fame—hoping to spread the story of their respective one night stands with bands that had become far more famous in the meantime.

Mia in particular struck Rob to be in a similar vein as these other women, but with the added benefit of being someone Rob had known in the past. He wouldn’t lie to himself; she was incredibly attractive. Her curved body, her outfit, her wild curly hair, were all perfectly chaotic. She was more of a force than a person. A great temptation for Rob to choose to succumb to or deny.

He felt odd being back out in the open, single like this. Ever since Jane’s denial he hadn’t been with any women. Even after being freed from any and all expectations from her he still felt the undeniable urge to stay faithful to her, even if she wasn’t. He had no reason to believe she had been with anyone else, but he felt like it was only a matter of time before she indulged herself. It was only in the nature she had presented to him, and it was only nature that drew him to Mia. After Sam and Austin had excused themselves to dance with their prospects, Mia swarmed in like on perfect cue, sliding against him, pressing her skin against his.

“You’ve got to try this!” She exclaimed, first sipping her drink with crimson lips, then pressing the drink to his. He could taste her as he did so, drinking something that tasted far more like pure alcohol than not. “It’s like a spirit, but so much better!” she said, downing the rest. “Talk to me, Rob. What have you been up to?”

They continued on, with Mia’s advances being so obvious. He felt her leg slowly wrap around his under the table; her arms slowly growing closer to his.

They talked for several minutes, catching up on what Rob had done, and what Mia had done in the expanse between their last connection. Rob had purposefully dropped all contact with Mia, hoping to make sure Jane would’ve never found out about the events that had transpired. He never kept secrets from her, but he always felt like this one would’ve really hurt her. Over the years, he forgot about Mia, hoping she’d just be another girl that’d fade away, never to be seen again.

Yet here they were.

Mia seemed good enough. She had worked odd jobs, before settling in some office. It didn’t seem too out of character for her; she had always looked at jobs as simply a way to get money for the nights. Rob had always seen jobs such as those as a bit of a prison. He tried to explain how he felt, but Mia seemed less and less interested in small talk. Once Sam and Austin had gotten back from his dance, he was looking for a final way out of this. For Jane’s sake…he really didn’t want to do this.

He pulled Sam and Austin aside, claiming to have gone to get more drinks. The loud music roared from a speaker close to them, and they shouted to be heard.

Rob shouted something indistinguishable beyond the pulse of the music.

“What?!” Sam shouted.

“I need you to fuck Mia!” Rob shouted even louder. He felt head around them rotate. Sam’s eyes darted past Rob to the girl he had been eyeing that night.

“What makes you think she would?!” he shouted back.

“She likes you too,” he said, “she told me back at my place in high school. She’d be down for it!”

“How?!” he asked. Sam seemed to be alright with the idea, but doubted the execution. Rob could catch wind of Mia’s glare from the table.

“Just follow my lead,” Rob said. He looked around again. “Where’s Jane?” 

“She came by the bar a minute ago, said she was going back to the room. She seemed pretty shit-faced.”

Rob sighed, hoping he hadn’t have been the cause of whatever influenced Jane to drink that night. Still, a part of him was happy she didn’t run off with another man. She had every right to, but the thought still burned.

He thanked Sam, and took him back to the table. The hours past faster now, with the three of them taking turns slipping into the restrooms and enjoying a line or two of Mia’s personal stash. Rob kept up face, making sure to push Sam at Mia whenever possible. After Austin had long since left the nightclub with another woman under his arm, Sam and Rob were still there, horrendously drunk, very high, and loosing consciousness fast.

“I’m going to go find another drink!” He slurred out, wiping the cocaine from his nose. He had to focus much harder now, making sure to give Sam a slap on the back as he felt. Last he saw of them before the door closed behind him, Sam had lifted Mia up, setting her on the sink and sliding between her legs. He smiled faintly as he tried to make his way out.

The music and noise all blended together this late at night. He felt like he was in some sort of vision or nightmare. He fought his way outside, pushing past everyone he saw and calling an Uber.

“Shit, dude,” the driver said as Rob climbed into his seat. The driver passed a few napkins back to Rob. He looked down, realizing his nose had bled down his face and onto his shirt. “I’m surprised you could even call me.”

Rob mumbled a thanks as he made it to the hotel, making sure to tip the driver well. By the time me made it into the room, he collapsed against the wall by the door. Dried blood clung to his face. Matted hair stuck in randomized bunches against his forehead and eyes. The rush of the coke and the buzzing of the drinks were mixing together all to terribly. Crawling to the sink, Rob wretched out the contents of his stomach, moaning slightly as he did so. He felt a sort of small victory, having found a way around being with Mia. But…it felt more and more like a pyrrhic victory, as he slid down unto the floor by the door. Balling himself up, he felt the cold floor against he cheek as he held himself and closed his eyes. Every fiber of his being wanted to force himself up to his room, to keep Jane from seeing what he had done. But he was more than drained; having conquered his temptations by drowning them out.

Forcing himself to sit up on the floor at the very least, he reached above his head, pulling down a glass, slipping it into the water dispenser by the fridge and pulling down a fresh glass of water, and sipped on it. He leaned his head against the cabinets behind him, and tried to angle his legs away from the door, hoping not to get tripped over in case Jane slipped in. With that final act, he closed his eyes, knowing he was in for another long, sleepless night. He only hoped he could be sober enough to manage the interview tomorrow.

[megatrash]

Jane had already began drifting to sleep as she heard a an extremely loud thud outside of her door somewhere in the suite. “Shit,” she mumbled as she threw her legs over the bed, tip-toed to the door, and stuck her head out. “Jesus Christ.” She was only wearing the large LA tee shirt from that night and a pair of boy shorts, but based on the condition Rob seemed to be in, modesty didn’t seem like it should be deemed a top priority.

After kneeling down and removing the hair from his face, she noticed the dried blood reaching from his top lip to his shirt. “What did you do, huh?” she asked rhetorically as she used the wall to help her stand up, and she dampened a wash rag before using it to remove the crimson hue. “We’re gonna stand up, yeah?” she asked as she held two hands for him to grasp. “There we go, come on,” she grunted until the man, much larger than her, was vertical. “Okay, we’re going to your room.” Jane positioned herself on his side and wrapped an arm around his torso, and the other free hand held his arm that wrapped around her shoulders.

As soon as she titled, Rob’s body dropped into his bed onto his back, and Jane took a seat on the edge of his bed so that her leg ran along his torso. She tugged his shirt off over his head and pulled the covers up over him before she had the chance to eye him like she would’ve liked to.

”Come on, Jane. Go to your room.”

“I, uh…”

”Don’t do it, idiot.”

Jane crawled over him stealthily and laid next to him in the dark, but her body remained untouched by his. “I’m staying in here to make sure you don’t die.” That was, if not completely, 99% false. She hated sleeping in the big bed in her room by herself, and she had also been dying to be in Rob’s company once again since their day earlier. Although some of her thoughts remained on whether or not he and Mia had done anything that night, her main concern was to just be near him.

“Good night, Rob,” she whispered as she turned her body away from him and got under the plush comforter.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A spot of sun landed on Jane’s face from the window, causing her eyes to slowly open and become aware of her surroundings. A dark, strong arm wrapped around her torso and gripped her chest, and warmth radiated from the top of her back down to her feet. Rhythmic breathing blew against the hairs on the back of her neck which, after noticing, caused a chill down Jane’s spine. The weight of Rob’s legs intertwined with hers caused a feeling of being both physically and mentally being locked in bed with him, something that Jane didn’t want break free of. A mixture of regret from the night before and sadness for having to leave this position caused a sigh to escape her, and she worked to slowly removed Rob’s arm off of her without waking him yet. The clock on the end table showed it was 6:56 AM which gave him another hour of sleep.

Jane closed the door quietly and couldn’t help but yawn and stretch as soon as she was out of the room. Thankfully, she wasn’t too hungover; she was, however, itching with questions about what the night out with Mia had turned into for the guys after she had left. After a cigarette on the patio and a cup of coffee, Jane got dressed in a patterned shirt from the men’s section of a skate shop, unbuttoned to the middle of where her cleavage would be, displaying an old, triangle-shaped tattoo that sat between her breasts. She paired the shirt with light denim shorts and her black. Messy hair was once again carelessly thrown up in a knot, and her favorite round-framed sunglasses covered her eyes. She scurried around the apartment to gather her belongings, puffing on a joint, until she was ready to go.

“Rob,” she called into the room. “Time to wake up, Rob. We gotta leave in 30.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

The building they arrived at was tall and stark, and it looked as if it would tip over onto the ground at any moment. The view from the street gave Jane a shiver, but she looked to her band and flashed a toothy grin as she swung open the front doors and approached the woman at the receptionist desk.

“Hi. We have an appointment with John from WRMS.”
The woman nodded and shifted her position to point to the elevator. “Yes, you’re going up to floor 23, and it’s Suite 3000. Go to the right when you get up there.”
“Thank you,” Jane smiled behind the sunglasses.

The office was nice, and not even a minute passed before they were greeted by the man who seemed too enthusiastic at this time of morning. “So nice to have you guys,” he waved his hands as he welcomed them. “You’re on in fifteen.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

John: Hey everyone, this is John from WRMS. I’m here with Jane, Austin, Sam and Rob from In Bloom. If you haven’t heard of them yet, please do me a favor and crawl out from the rock you’ve been living under. They have been blowing up in all corners of the country since setting off on tour only almost two weeks ago. Alright, guys. I’m gonna start off with Jane here, and make my rounds okay? So, you guys are from Long Beach, California, correct?

Jane: Yes, we are.

John: What’s it like to be in New York?

Jane: Well, it’s definitely different. A lot more people, a much faster pace than what we’re used to, I think. But, it’s cool. We’re grateful for the opportunity to travel and visit. Plus, the crowds have been crazy.

John: Yes, I’m sure it’s much different. So, you guys are playing your final show tonight at Ground Control. Since you’ve started your tour a week and a half ago, your popularity has skyrocketed. What’s that feel like to have this surge of fans you never had before?

Jane: Insane! I remember the first night that we started having people approaching us. It was very surreal. Still is. I still don’t really recognize what’s happening right away still when someone approaches me. We’re not complaining or anything, we just didn’t expect to gain such traction so fast.

John: I bet! I don’t think any of us expected it. Not that you guys don’t deserve it.

Jane: Thank you.

John: Now, I’ve got to address some rumors I’ve been hearing about you, Jane. People seem to be referring to you as ‘wild,’ a ‘partier,’ and ‘out of control.’ I mean, I’m looking at you right now, no bra, no make-up, and you have sunglasses on inside. You also have that sexy, raspy voice girls all wish they had, yet you talk like all of my guy friends.

Jane: Ha.

John: So what is your response to what we are hearing about you?

Jane: I mean, I like to have a good time, man. Just like anyone. I feel like when you’re a female, people tend to condemn your actions more than if you’re a male. It’s not fair, and I’m not gonna play that game. I like to do what I want, and I’m not gonna restrain myself or wear stuff I don’t like so that people don’t talk about me negatively.

John: Well put, well put. I have to say I like your stage presence. It’s fun.

Jane: Thank you.

John: How would you describe the sound of the new single compared to your previous work?

Jane: Hmmm. Well, I guess our old sound could be described as more technical, heavier. I think this new song slowly merged us into a more eclectic sound, something more diverse. I’d say I’m a person who loves to experiment, so sticking to one sound eternally really bores me. The four us listen to such a vast range of artists, I think we’ll try to pour more of those influences into our music. Plus, if I get compared to Haley Williams one more time, I’ll shoot myself. But, I think Rob is more qualified to touch on that subject a bit more than me. He has put a lot of heart and passion into what In Bloom is all about.

[HangYourSecrets]

Jane carrying Rob into his bedroom was a complete daze. Moments echoed in his mind, fading in and out like waves. One moment, he felt a wetness come against his face, cleaning it. The next, being led onto his bed. He crashed against it and felt almost as if a weight had lowered from the ceiling, pressing against his torso to the point of collapse. There was no getting up tonight.

A quiet “sorry,” tried to escape his lips, but choked out halfway-through. As a blanket was lifted atop him, he began to slowly fade out. He felt Jane enter the bed, just as everything faded away…

…the next moment was feeling someone squirm in his arms. His eyes softly tried to open past the sand and gunk accumulated on top of them, and see saw Jane, much more aware, trying to leave the bed. Instinctually he tried softly to pull her back into bed. Stay with me, he thought to himself. He knew it was something he couldn’t control. He relaxed again, letting Jane slide out and pick up his arm, placing it closer to him, leaving him nothing to hold on to. As she left the room, Rob let out a sigh, and laid in place for another hour. One of his hands reached over and brushed against the sheets warm with the heat Jane had left behind. Slowly, but surely, the fabric beside him turned cooled, and the blasting air conditioning slowly lulled him into a blurry but strong awakening. He let out a moan as Jane told him to get out of bed.

Soon after she left, Rob slid out of bed and stood in the shower. After a minute or two in the warm water, he took in a deep breath, and flipped the water all the way to the left, pelting him with ice water. He gasped and writhed under it until he felt more than awakened.

It felt good to have resisted Mia’s temptations, but terrible to have done that to Jane. He had hoped she would’ve been long asleep, and he could’ve done his cleaning for himself in the morning. Having somebody take care of himself for him was not only embarrassing, but, if he had to admit it, emasculating as well. Especially because it was Jane. Someone he wanted to desperately to be on good terms with. No…more than good terms. The only thing he wanted right now was to hop back into bed with Jane, to hold her close to him, to have her sleep in his arms.

He sighed at the thoughts he was having, and left the bathroom to change, deciding to slap a beanie on his head as opposed to even trying to deal with the mop atop his head. In his room, he texted Sam:

8:02, Rob: Where are you?

8:05, Sam: Ended up crashing at Mia’s place. Left like twenty minutes ago to get ready.

8:06, Rob: Good.

8:08, Sam: I mean, not that I’m not grateful to be a part of your grand plans last night, but you need to find a way to resist women besides fucking yourself up. I almost left her to check on you.

8:10, Rob: Duly noted.

8:11, Sam: I’m serious. Don’t self-destruct because you got rejected.

Rolling his eyes, Rob closed the phone, and finished getting ready. Once he was, he walked out to the room and sat down, looking over to Jane.

“Look,” he started, staring down to the floor, “I uh, I don’t know if I slept at all or kept you up last night, but uh…thanks for taking care of me. I remember that much.” He blinked twice. He normally didn’t have lengthy hangovers, but this one was threatening to last much longer. “Thanks for being with me last night.”

He tried hard to hide his reaction to his own words, wishing he had phrased his last sentence any other way. In the end, he just tried to stay quiet, following Jane downstairs, who seemed to be hungover herself, and making their way over to Sam and Austin. Austin seemed rather alright, but Sam seemed especially out of it. When he felt like no one was looking at them, Rob gave Sam a small smile, thanking him in an unspoken language. The only other thing said between the four was on the car ride there. Sam had sat up feeling something underneath him. Reaching down, he pulled a woman’s arm bracelet out of his back pocket; the same one Rob recognized from Mia’s own arm yesterday.

“Sorry Jane,” Sam said, sliding it over to her. “You’ll probably see her sooner than I will.”

Other than that, the mood was rather quiet, until they had arrived. Soon enough, Sam, Austin, and Rob all waited in chairs to the side of the table, while Jane sat across from John, smiling and talking about all things related to the band.

He kind of found it funny how interviewers tended to hit up the same few topics; issues like the scene, their sound, their thoughts. Like the opinions and ideal of those who make music are somehow superior to that of the masses. Like whatever any of the four of them said would be so much more important than whatever others thought. It felt vapid at best, and torturous at worst.

Soon, Jane finished her portion of the interview, and Austin was next. He and John talked about different types of bass guitars (John turned out to be a former bassist himself), while next, Sam talked about his home life, his guitarist inspirations, and more.

By the time Rob got up there, he felt like most people were tuning out. The thoughts and opinions of the drummer seemed to matter least.

John: Finally we’ll finish with In Bloom’s loud and really technical drummer, Rob Pennie! Although I’m told most of these guy’s here call you Rob, but your first name is actually Jack, right?

Rob: I don’t know a soul who calls me Jack.

John: [Laughs] That’s fair enough! Now tell me Rob, In Bloom’s known a lot for it’s volume and energy, but you seem to draw the most acclaim for your technical style and tenacity. Although you’re not known to be a very public person.

Rob: Thank you. I don’t really keep up with critics. And I was thinking about launching an Instagram, but it’d be all road selfies and practice sessions. I don’t think anyone would be interested.

John: I’m sure someone would! But I think it’s interesting that you’ve gotten a few notable recommendations from some high-profile drummers. Arin Ilejay,Arejay Hale, Ben Thatcher…these guys are pretty well known.

Rob: Well, it’s really great to get recognized by my peers. I’m not usually one to get excited about endorsements or anything like that, but I enjoy the music they put out and I’m glad to hear they like ours.

John: You sound less than thrilled.

Rob: I get that a lot. The only time you’ll see me excited about other drummers is if Danny Carey or Dave Grohl talked about me. I’d be off the walls about that.

John: I wanted to talk about that, actually. You seem to blend a lot of the raw rhythms of Nirvana and other grunge acts really will into the intricacies and polyrhythms typically only associated with Tool.

Rob: You’ve done your research.

John: [Laughs] Thanks! I guess what I mean is, your style is really close to the styles of Carey and Grohl, and I found it really funny you mentioned them by name. The new single though: I have to ask, it seems a lot like new territory for you. Simpler, even.

Rob: Well, it’s a new step for all of us really. But we don’t look at our sound like something we have to be conscious of. It’s just a part of what happens in the studio. It just comes out of the work we do. Sometimes I have a lot of control over parts, and other times I need to hold onto the beat. It’s different for every song.

John: That almost sounds like deflecting.

Rob: I think it’s important to realize there are more minds here than just mine. Everyone in this band really loves and respects each other, and songs come out different each time. I mean…yeah, the single is what it is, and that may be why it sells so well. It’s not a rhythmic song; it’s all about the riffs and Jane’s vocals. Then you’ve got tracks like Speechless that wholly depend on me and Austin to hold things together. We’re one unit here, and maybe one sort of style is what people expect from us, but in reality we make what we’d like to make.

John: That’s well put. I almost feel bad for saying what I did. Thanks for being on with us.

Rob: No worries, glad to be here.

John: Well, that’s the end of the hour, so we’ve got to let these guys get back out there and ready for their next set. You’re listening to WRMS, and we’ve been talking to In Bloom. Check them out at Ground Control tonight while you can. The next time you see them may end up being in a stadium.

Rob set his headphones down, rubbing his ears from the combined pressure of the hoodie and the beanie. Next was a couple of photos with staff, a few autographs, and more formal conversations about everything from sound to shows. It was another hour before the guys got out of there.

“So Rob, why do you hate the single so much?” Sam asked, pantomiming a microphone in his hand and imitating John’s voice as they walked outside. Rob chucked.

“Well, I guess it’s all Sam’s fault for forcing it down my throat. But…you want to know a secret?”

Sam nodded.

“He’s kind of a massive pussy.”

The two shared a good laugh, paying no mind to the woman that had walked past who looked at them in horror. Rob felt a bit better after the interview. His headache was wearing off, and he was able to blow off some much-needed steam. But it was short-lived as he caught wind of Jane walking out behind them. He felt so bad for what he had put her though. He wanted to make it up to her in any way he could.

He just didn’t know how.

[megatrash]

“Thanks for being with me last night.”

A coy expression accompanied by an understanding nod was all Jane replied with instead of saying everything she truly wanted to -

”Thanks for letting me.”
”Thanks for coming home to me and not sleeping at Mia’s.”
”Fuck the interview. Let’s just stay here.”

Slowly but surely, the definitive dividing line that Jane had drawn between her and her emotions – the line that represented all of the reasons why telling Rob how she felt was an awful idea – was becoming blurred. Her mind was releasing all of her excuses one by one, and when she tried to recount them all, her memory failed her. Especially during mornings like this, when just moments ago, they were laying together in bed, both at their most vulnerable state.

And as Rob finished his statement, Jane realized that she really didn’t care if he slept with Mia or not. He was in the dark in regards to her feelings, and she couldn’t expect him to stick around waiting for when she made up her mind.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After exiting the building, Jane felt good about the interview as a whole, but she knew she would soon grow annoyed with being asked the most superficial questions compared to the others in the band. It was normal for women, she understood, but those were the types of stereotypes of girls in the music scene that she wanted to shatter.

As her mind mulled over all of the events of the morning so far, she looked up to Rob who was a few feet ahead of her, and she quickened her pace to walk next to him. “Hope you’re feeling better than I am,” she laughed. “You, uh, I think you passed out the second you hit the bed. You were a perfect gentleman after that.”

”Well, besides in the morning,” she thought to herself. Her mind flashed to visions of how she woke up – his hand clutching her, what she felt behind her – which was nothing to be embarrassed about. But knowing Rob, he must have felt some sort of guilt as to how the night turned out. He never liked when Jane’s motherly instinct kicked in, possibly because it was so out of character, but she never minded taking care of him. It was a way for her to show how she felt without having to talk. Her favorite way to show affection.

They had entered the van that had been waiting for them on the street, and Jane took a seat next to Rob. “I’m gonna get brunch with Mia, then probably spend the rest of the day horizontal,” she explained as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, a part of where her headache was focused.

It only took Jane five minutes to leave the hotel once again after they had gotten back. Her longboard carried her through the busy streets, and she flipped off everyone and anyone who honked or catcalled at her. Mia had been waiting for her at an outside table when Jane jumped off the board and plopped down across from her.

“Hey,” Jane said as she caught her breath and removed the strands of hair from her face. She reached in her pocket and grabbed the bracelet Sam gave her and tossed it to Mia. “Did you fuck Sam last night? I thought you were all ‘Team Rob.’”
“I was,” Mia admitted as she stuffed the bracelet in her purse, “But he was not ‘Team Mia.’ Half way through the night he began avoiding me like the plague.”
Jane shot her a genuinely quizzical look. “Really? That’s weird.”
“Well, it’s not that weird,” Mia smirked. “You weren’t yourself last night. He wasn’t himself last night. I’m not an idiot; something’s brewing between you guys. I just wish you said something, girl. I would’ve laid off.”

Jane shook her head. “Its, uh, its not like that, I – “

“Oh come on, Jane. Look, I don’t care if you lie to me, but don’t lie to yourself like that. Why don’t you tell him? He ingested enough drugs and alcohol to kill a horse last night – probably to mask whatever the hell he’s feeling about you.” Mia grabbed her hand and stared at her until Jane met her eyes.

She sighed. “I know, I know. But, okay, listen – let’s say I tell him how I feel. That I wanna test the waters and see where it goes. What if I fuck up? What if I hook up with someone else, or-or I’m not what he wanted after all? We’re still stuck together for another month and a half in a fucking van. Shit, man, can you imagine how weird that would be?” She rested her chin on both of her fists. “I don’t wanna lose my best friend if things don’t work out. If it were simpler than that, I woulda slept with him already.”

Both of the girls laughed at the statement.

“You’re way more daring than this, Jane,” Mia sighed as she squeezed her hand. “Since when are you scared of the consequences of anything you do?”

Jane laughed. “You’re right. I’ll, uh, I’ll talk to him. Soon.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once Jane arrived back to the hotel, she quickly ran into her room to change into a tank top and a pair of pajama shorts before plopping on the plush couch in the apartment’s living room and flipping mindlessly through the channels on the box-shaped TV. After settling for a cheesy, made-for-TV murder mystery, she lit a joint and blew the smoke towards the patio door, which was opened slightly to suck out the cloudy atmosphere that Jane was creating. Thoughts of having to get back on the road tomorrow filled her with both excitement and a sense of uneasiness. It was nice having the consistency of staying in a city for three days, but Jane knew soon enough, she’d grow restless as she did with everything and everyone else.

After she was done smoking, Jane pulled the blanket up to her chin and forced her tired eyes to focus on the TV to keep her mind wandering from anywhere else. The hand that wasn’t gripping the blanket trailed the other arm up and down slowly, a habit she performed subconsciously as some sort of method for comforting herself.

Eventually, though, her mind did wander. How would she tell Rob how she felt? When would the perfect time be? Was there even a perfect time? No matter where they went or what they were doing, there was no real haven she could run to after she spilled her guts, her signature move. Instead, whatever course she decided to take, she would have to deal with the aftermath there and then. Nowhere to hide. She mumbled a curse to herself as she stared blankly at the screen.

[HangYourSecrets]

Back at the hotel, Rob took the time to slip the beanie off and correct the mop that was forming above his head. He had talked to Austin about going out for a meal once he got situated. By the time he was ready to head out, Jane had headed in from her brunch, no doubt preparing to relax the rest of the day.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” he said, unsure of why he was telling her exactly. “See you soon.”

He closed the door, let a deep breath draw itself out of him, and marched over to the elevators, making his way up to Sam and Austin’s room.

In here, the had been significantly less kind to the room. The front door had opened after a great effort on Rob’s part; a damp towel had been shoved under the crack separating the floor from the door. Pot reeked in the air as Sam sucked away at a bong, one of his arms holding the lighter steady.

“Jesus,” Rob said, closing the door quickly behind him. “Play some Bob Marley, why don’t you?”

“Who’s that?” A voice called out from a room to the left. Sliding out was a woman Rob had recognized from the nightclub—the same one in tow with Austin that night. She wore a white shirt (his) over tight, pink panties. Rob found himself looking away instinctually. Just another thing to add to the list of stuff he didn’t normally do.

“Jess, I’m heading out with my friend,” Austin said, clearly a bit embarrassed. Jess walked lightly across the ground on the balls of her feet; her body seeming to float over to Rob, grabbing him lightly on the wrist.

“The drummer,” she coyly croaked. Rob tried to offer a neutral smile as she continued. “Austin’s told me a lot about you.”

Rob was cut off by Austin before he could respond:

“I’ll be back!” he said to her, loudly, as he opened the door again, slipping out with Rob. A final puff of smoke shot out of the room as the door slipped back into it’s frame. 

“What the hell was that?” Rob asked. “I haven’t seen that much pot since—“

“It’s all Jess’ stuff,” Austin explained as they walked. He kept a hand in his pocked as he kept his head down, avoiding Rob’s gaze. “Sam’s basically having it all since Jess stayed longer than I expected.”

“It’s a one-night stand,” Rob said, “unless you’re going for—“

“Got it,” Austin cut off. He gained some semblance of his usual confidence. “I’m not the only one who takes fucking forever to tell someone what I want, alright?”

Rob laughed for a moment, then froze. Wait…he was referring to me, right? Not like, Jane or anything…

He tried to push it out of his mind as Austin called another Uber and took Rob to his favorite fast food joint in the whole world: the infamous Taco Bell.

Rob conceded to it, only because Austin had been good enough not to force the others to eat the shitty bowel-cleansing burritos the entire tour thus far. Plus, he was hoping to get Austin comfortable. He needed something from him. Anything. Just a single iota of information would be fine, but he needed a way to get to the way Jane was feeling, and Austin seemed the likely conduit.

It was stupid of him to do so, really. It was Jane’s feelings he wanted. He had told her he wanted normalcy. And normalcy for them had always been open and honest communication. There was nothing to hide, no ulterior motives in their speech. They could lay together all day and night and think nothing of it, because that was the truth.

And now, it was no longer the truth.

Rob thought of all this as he rode with Austin to the restaurant; his bandmate forcing the driver to play a favorite song of his: Muse's cover of House of the Rising Sun. He could feel the Uber driver's distaste of Austin as he screamed the lyrics to Rob; air-guitaring along with the soaring melodies:

"There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
It's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one"

Twenty minutes later, Rob was finished the last of his food. He poked around his second burrito, watching the sour cream taint itself brown as it collided with the refried death beans. He feared it would exit looking the same as he entered.

He hit Austin with his first attempt after he had finished some non-sequitur about Argentina, of all things. Something about the women there?

“You know,” Rob said between a bite, “you and Sam seemed to be living together just fine for the past few days. A lot better then me and Jane have.”

“Really?” he said, relaxed. “I guess. Sam’s a cool guy. We don’t have issues as long as he give each other space.”

Jane’s warmth shot through Rob’s mind. He remembered his senses on a pure high as he held her to him, enjoying every feeling, sound and scent—

“It’s just the gender thing for us, I guess,” Rob said. “The shared bathroom doesn’t help.”

Austin sat up for a moment, holding his arms a good bit in front of him, seeming to draw schematics in the air. “If yours is anything like ours…” he started, finishing his invisible piece. “…yeah. Not a lot a room for fucking in that shower. Trust me. Me and Jess tried.”

Yeah, his cover was definitely blown. Rob thought quickly. Perhaps the only way of getting any information out of Austin was to come out honest and clean. About it all.

“Look,” he started. He washed down the aftertaste of burrito in his mouth with water, before continuing. “I confronted Jane about everything, right? All out in the open, and it fucking blew. But I’m glad I did it, and she told me she wasn’t interested in anything else, right?”

He waved a plastic fork in the air as he told his story: “And it was fine, for then. But more and more recently it feels like she’s…I don’t know. Not not interested, I guess.”

“Well,” Austin began, “she told you she wasn’t interested. Case closed, right?”

“That’s what I thought.” Rob sat up a bit in his chair out of discomfort. It was now or never. “I know you don’t like talking about this, I guess that. You play bass and fuck women, and that’s your thing, I get it.”

Austin made a snorting sound at Rob’s attempt at a joke, but Rob pressed on. “Just give me something here. A direction. A feeling. Anything you know.”

Austin smiled. “You too really just need to fucking talk. You more than her. That’s all I’m saying.” He gave Rob a smirk before motioning to throw the remnants of their meal away. Rob followed, and the rest of the time was spent talking about other things.

Rob wondered about the conversation later, as he returned to the room alone. Things felt twisted either way. If he pushed Jane for answers, he could come across as creepy; not being able to take a no for an answer and overthinking each move she made, no doubt showing his slight obsession over her. If he didn’t, he could possibly be missing out on that “something more” that he had felt over the past few days. And any chance at getting that…he surely should take.

Once he opened the door to the room, he saw Jane curled up on the couch, watching some sort of film. He decided it would be best to just let things play up to chance. For now. Until there was anything to ride on. A part of him wanted Jane to come out reciprocate his feelings. But, the other part of him—some small, scarred part—would be a bit angry at her for stringing him so far around. Torturing him while she played out each scenario in her incessant, wandering mind.

He slipped into his room, picking up a soft blanket he had brought for the trip; the same one he’d use when he slept at Jane’s back in high school. He slipped off his shoes, before coming back out to the room and sitting next to her, cuddling in his own blanket himself. He sat somewhat close to her; a distance he’d initially pull on a first date. Far enough for her comfort, close enough to close the gap halfway through a film.

“It’s definitely him,” Rob said dryly, casting a finger to the first guy to walk on the screen. “He’s got that serial-killer vibe.”

In all honestly, that was probably the protagonist. But he figured neither of them gave half a shit about these people’s lives. The only one’s that really mattered in the moment were the two upon the couch, right here, and right now.

[megatrash]

Jane popped up abruptly at Rob’s suspicion. He had been sitting at her feet, but now she was cross-legged and facing him with an intent look in her eyes. “No, no, no” she shook her head. “That’s what they want you to think. That’s her boyfriend who’s trying to do the right thing. He’s just emotionally distraught.” Her finger aimed at a character in the background. “I think that’s the murderer. He’s the one she’s leaning on while her boyfriend’s acting all weird, but you can tell he’s keeping a secret. He gets nervous every time she brings up her sister getting killed.”

Jane paused and scoffed at herself. “Listen to me. This is why I don’t watch TV.” Her eyes darted back to Rob, curled up in his blanket similar to how she was, and this caused a smile to tug at her lips. The same selfishness that she hated herself for was the same emotion begging for her body to lay down on him. She reached for her cup of water on the coffee table, as if to delay the inevitable, but her lack of self-control would always win; it was a truth she accepted long ago.

She grabbed her pillow and placed in on Rob’s lap before shifting into a fetal position, her feet tucked into the arm of the couch and the blanket swaddling her. The change in position was one that filled her with a complete sensation of warmth and safety, yet also one of self-loathing. Of disappointment in herself. Her intentions weren’t to drag this out, to keep him waiting, but to soak up every moment with him before things had the possibility of taking a turn for the worst.

Before he hated her for not being honest.
Before he got sick of her bullshit.
Before he got his heart broken by her.

”I’m gonna tell him. Tonight.”

Although these thoughts caused her focus to drift from the movie, she didn’t have time to dwell on them too long before falling asleep in his lap. The comfort her provided her reminded her of the Xanax she took recently – it had a way of helping her forget about the bigger problems at hand, and also lulled her to sleep, like child being held by their mother.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was as if burning guilt was what woke Jane up from her deep sleep. Her mind gave her no time to adjust to her surrounding before hitting her with the overwhelming sensation of how wrong she was going about the situation with Rob.
”It’s okay, Jane. You’re gonna tell him. Tonight, you’re gonna tell him.”

Yes, tonight. She would be on the high she got from performing, mixed with the buzz from whatever she decided to partake in beforehand, which would give her a false sense of a boost of confidence. A failsafe if things go wrong. Jane wasn’t sure if she was mentally prepared to be rejected by him if he was already over it. She knew that he couldn’t have lost feelings for her this quickly, but he could have finally realized what she said was true.

That Jane was a noncommittal, selfish asshole that will most likely never settle down or make him the happiest he could be.

Rob’s hand rested on the small of her waist, and another tangled in her hair, as if he’d been rubbing her head. She groaned quietly at both the fact of how good his hands felt on her, and the fact that’d she would have to get up. Her eyes squinted to read the time on the stove in the kitchen. 6:21 PM. She had slept for nearly 5 hours in that position.

“Shit,” she whispered as she rubbed her eyes and lifted up slowly.

After showering quickly, she moved through the hotel room quietly as she got dressed in a white camisole tucked into ripped, black skinny jeans. Her door clicked shut quietly before she put on Somebody Else by The 1975 and began to pack up her things with her spare time. Jane sang along quietly and danced around the room as she threw her belongings in a duffle bag opened wide on the bed.

Tomorrow, they had a two hour drive to Philedelphia to play a 2:00 PM set at an all-day festival, then they were immediately leaving on an almost seven hour drive for a set at 10:00pm in Cleveland. At the realization, Jane began to second-guess if telling Rob how she felt tonight was a mistake. A total of nine-hours in the van tomorrow after admitting her feelings could be either agonizing or completely fine depending on Rob’s reaction to it all.

”Maybe I shouldn’t…

“Rob,” Jane whispered as she lightly patted his check. “Hey, we’re outta here in half an hour.” She stood up straight again, waiting for him to wake up. “Sorry for crashing on you for five hours.” She smiled as an attempt to lighten the mood before he could be upset with her for her actions. Her greed.

She retreated to the kitchen to grab a beer and slipped out onto the patio for a cigarette. New York had been interesting, but she made peace with the fact that it was time to leave. Watching thousands of people roaming the street below made her feel insignificant, but it didn’t sadden her. If anything, it made her feel a bit better. Like none of this mattered.

“You ready?” Jane said softly to Rob as she reentered the room. She scooped up her pack of cigarettes and phone from the coffee table and threw them her in bag before looking back up to him. A brief moment of eye contact was held – her hazel eyes to his dark ones – and instead of awkwardly looking away like her nerves begged her to, she smiled faintly. “Let’s go.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ground Control was packed with patrons when the band arrived. Three other bands were scheduled to play before In Bloom, and one was scheduled to play after them. Jane had drank a few beers by the time Mia approached her.

“You’re investing more money in the band than I have,” Jane laughed as she hugged her.
“I had to come see you on your last night here,” Mia admitted as she took a seat next to Jane. “So, have you done it yet?”
“No,” she sighed. “Probably tonight.”
“Good,” Mia rubbed her shoulder. “You’ll feel better either way.”

Sound check went smoothly, and Jane interacted with some of crowd as she sat down at the front of the stage with a cigarette. She felt more nervous than usual; a ball of anxiety was sitting in her chest.

Two songs in, Jane had to stop for a moment. “Alright, alright. Give me a second.” She hopped down the front of the stage, weaved her way to the bar and back, and climbed back up on the stage with a shot glass of Jameson in her hand.

“Ahh,” she sighed after shooting it back. “Much better.”

After the set ended, Jane nearly ran out the back door of the venue. She leaned against the cool, brick wall the building was made of and took a few deep breaths before lighting a cigarette. The urge to vomit came and went. “Fuck,” she whispered to herself as her mind replayed what-if scenarios over and over again. “Stop being a pussy.” Her hand wiped the sweat of her forehead as she closed her eyes to get ahold of herself. She hated emotions. Feelings. Talking about emotions and feelings. Talking about her emotions and feelings, especially. If Jane could glide through life without ever having to talk about how she felt – which is normally how it worked out – she would.

Her head leaned against the brick wall as she ignited another cigarette and blew the smoke above her head. She had calmed her breathing down enough to seem fine enough to those passing by. She said a few "hellos" and "thank yous" to the groups of people who complimented her.

"See? You're fine."

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob laughed as Jane further explained the murder mystery playing out on their screens.

“Karma’s a bitch,” he said softly. “She deserves to get murdered if she’s ditching her boyfriend for him.”

As the time passed, he could feel Jane’s body beside him, growing antsy and loose. He knew he had been running a great risk by being with her on this couch like this. He had essentially told her off because of her actions holding him on couches and hotel beds. But now…even if it make him suffer, he wanted that closeness with her. He enjoyed it, even if a little part of him felt slightly stilted, being pushed to the blurred line between the sensual and platonic in this fashion.

Eventually, Jane moved as she inevitably did, embracing the warmth that Rob was willingly, consciously offering. He felt her pillow on his lap, and the weight of her head on top of it. Her body curled and cradled beside him, and she seemed to close her eyes. Rob’s hands moved to her her hair and waist, holding her as she rested.

He felt along her entangled hair, letting his hands move, trying gently to remove the knots without pulling too hard. The rest of her long locks spiraled outwards, covering the top half of her torso and leaping off the blankets onto Rob’s forearms, brushing and ticking slightly as they did so.

He looked down at this lap and saw her head resting, and couldn’t shake the feeling that he wanted to desperately to peer inside. What was going on inside that head of hers? What was she thinking? How was she feeling?

He thought of a quote he had remembered from Gone Girl, the film he had watched in his angst and anger at the woman who slept on him:

What have we done to each other?

He relaxed, laying his head back, and slept for a bit, content for just a fleeting little moment once more.

He awoke to her leaving him, once again. He watched from the couch as she milled about the room, packing her things, removing her identity from the room. He slowly crawled out of the hole their bodies had created on the couch, slipping into his own room and preparing his own clothes.

He always packed diligently, cleaning the lint off of everything with a roller, before tightly balling up clothes not needing to fold, and tightly rolling outfits that could afford to be. He had such a minimalist style with his outfits, but it had never been out of pretension. Only functionality. Most things in his life involved him making sure that everything that needed to be there stayed, and everything that needed to leave his life, he let them fade away with time.

And then there was Jane. An anomaly. A constant in his life that the farther he grew, the more confused his life became. Yet, she was something he never wanted to loose, no matter how much she confused and conflicted him.

He watcher her small frame float about the room and he wanted to do was take her back to his bed. Make no mistake about Jane and her own perceived selfishness; Rob was just as selfish as she, if not far, far more.

“I’m ready,” Rob said, after finishing his packing and slipping on tonight’s performance outfit. He made it to Ground Control without any further conversation.

To clear his mind, he made his way to their (newly expanded) merch table. He enjoyed having casual conversations with fans. It had seemed like there were two types of them; new fans, driven in by the single and drawn to the eclectic sound they had been developing towards, and fans of their older, more progressive and heavy work.

“Anything in odd meter is fucking awesome,” one of the fans said, referring to an old B-side of theirs Rob had taken pride in writing in 5/4 time.

These were the fans that Rob enjoyed to talk to, and these were the fans he played for. The ones he wanted to please. And once the show started, Rob looked to these fans in the audience, pointing a stick at them for just a moment, before launching into the cacophony of noise they had created together as In Bloom.

The show had gone off without a hitch, and Rob ended up throwing the sticks towards that specific fan from much earlier. He looked up to his merch guy across the room and cast a finger to the specific fan.

“Get that fucker some merch!” he shouted into a mic set up as the rest of the members slipped out. He was enthralled to be heard across the screaming people below him, who applauded as he said the words. This feeling was intoxicating; no wonder Jane relished in it.

He grabbed the rest of the band and moved all of them to the merch table, making sure to sign as much as he can and give that singular fan anything he wanted for free. He was so incredibly thankful for everything. For the tour, for Jane…all of it. Every moment he wanted to absorb, before the world came back to reality for him, or before he grew jaded at the faceless mob that adored him. He stayed a full hour after their set, talking to guys and picking up a few CD’s from them, promising to listen to them.

His days seemed to be emotional waves. A day was spent in ecstasy, and the other in anguish. Yesterday had been one of the worst days of the tour, and the next? Maybe the best.

He tried to push away the thought that that had meant tomorrow might hold colder moments than this, and tried so hard to enjoy the moment. Now would be the envy of his future self.

[megatrash]

The next hour crawled by at an immensely slow pace, one that allowed Jane to drink a fair amount of alcohol, and she also smoked a blunt with a group of fans outside in a group, taking the buzz she had to the next level. She tried her best to be polite - answering questions and making small talk - until the blunt was on it's final rotation. "Thanks, guys. I gotta head out."

When the band confirmed it was time to leave, Jane couldn’t help but sigh in relief; the anxiety she was feeling had drained her. Fear still lingered of a moment alone with Rob, like a shadow that had followed her throughout the night.

Silence was maintained for the duration of the ride home until Austin and Sam spoke up as they were pulling into the hotel's carport.

“Mia knows of some crazy after party I guess,” Sam mentioned. “Should be fun.”
“I’m down, dude. I hope Jess isn’t there though.”
“J, you down?” Sam asked, nudging her shoulder.
“Huh?” Jane scratched her forehead. “Oh. Yeah, man. Sounds good.”
Austin shot her a concerned look, but ultimately decided not to question her now. She nodded at him conspicuously, as if to signal him that what he was thinking was correct.

They all funneled through the lobby and up to their floors, agreeing they’d meet back downstairs in half an hour and head out to the address Mia had texted Sam.

Once Jane and Rob had entered their room, she immediately went to the fridge and nearly chugged a beer, and after a sigh, she looked to Rob and cleared her throat. “Hey, uh, have a minute?” She approached him, but left a few feet between them. An invisible barrier.

“Rob,” she said quietly. Adrenaline rushed through her as she pushed herself to continue. “Look, I don’t do shit like this well. If fucking sucks. I can write lyrics for the world to read, but I can’t get my own emotions out without getting hammered first.” She chuckled at herself, growing more self-conscious with every word she spoke.

“I don’t know how…” she trailed on and tried to swallow the lump growing in her throat. “I…”

”Don’t do it, Jane.”

Her eyes locked on his for a moment, and her mouth formed an unintentional smirk. She shortened the distance between them in a few steps before tiling her head up to look at him.

”Stop it, Jane. You’re gonna regret this.”

She reached a hand up to the back of his neck to bring his head down closer to her, and her feet rose so that she was on her tippy-toes.

”Fuck it.”

In a fleeting moment, Jane’s eyes scanned Rob’s face; she had never been this close to him before. Unblemished skin not affected by the sun like hers. The thick, dark hairs that joined together to make his beard. His brown eyes that she had looked into a thousand times.

She flashed a smile before her lips finally made contact with his, and current of electricity ran through her as her fingers slid up slightly into his hair and tightened their grip, the other hand placed on his chest. The kiss deepened, but lasted only until the realization of what was happening crashed over her, and every part of her body that was touching his was pulled way abruptly. A finger went to her lip to touch it, as if it would feel different after what had just occurred.

“I’m,” her eyes burned a hole in the floor, “I’m sorry.” In a moment of weakness, all the feelings she had attempted to bury deep inside of herself had been regurgitated. She had just removed a mask she couldn't put back on.

But, in an instant, Jane’s instincts began to take over, and thoughts of how that had just made her feel all flooded back to her. The warmth of his lips. His strong chest and arms. His rough hands. Jane’s eyes slowly glided from the hardwood floors back to Rob.

“I’m sorry for what I said in your hotel room that night,” she blurted out as she began pacing back and forth. “I’m sorry for making you feel like this. You see? This is what I was afraid of.” It was hard to keep her eyes on him, but she compelled herself to do so. “I’m selfish. Nothing ever satisfies me. I always need more. I go after what I want without thinking how it effects anyone else, but I want…” her voice trailed off, and the eye contact she struggled to keep broke once again. Could she say what she was thinking?

“I don’t know what this means. I don’t know how I’ll feel in a week, a month. I don’t even know how you feel anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing to do with me, but,”

She turned around, her back to him, and covered her face with her hands. “Sorry.” Her voice barely broke above a whisper as she pushed out the apology. Jane felt stupid. Embarrassed. But yet, it was all so relieving. Bittersweet.

She took a deep breath and pointed her head up towards the ceiling. “I understand,” she began without working up the courage to face him, “if you don’t have anything to say, or if you don’t want to say anything. I get it.”

Jane had never felt this vulnerable, especially in front of someone as close to her as Rob.

"I don't think I wanna go to that party."

[HangYourSecrets]

On the way home from the venue, Rob had thrown in his earbuds, hoping to have some quiet time to himself before yet another party. Mashing shuffle, Lillian by The Dear Hunter slipped on. He enjoyed the beat and rhythm of the long, looking out the window of their ride to the streaked lights beyond. He hummed the chorus as the singer soared above the instruments:

“Press your lips to mine
Breathe in deep and lie
When the cameras roll
Hide away your soul
Flash your eyes,
Forge a smile,
Entertain, but don’t get stuck in
something you hate.”

He frowned slightly. The pretty tuned seemed almost haunting, feeling too real with what he was feeling.

It turned out, though, that it had really been none other than prophecy. A warning of what was to come as he arrived into the apartment:

“Hey, uh, have a minute?”

Rob stopped in his tracks. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something about the weight of the words that came from Jane’s mouth ensured a growing panic within him. Like the next words would be something he wasn’t ready for. He didn’t have time to weigh the growing possibilities, as she continued. It was about her emotions, of all things. They were entities she had never expressed. She had always seemed to be a physical person. She didn’t know how to talk, how to communicate with her words, but she was a master over her own body. Her reactions, her physicality, were all based in her emotion. A nonvocal connection she shared with everybody.

And that’s when it hit Rob. Out of all the years he had known her, every passing brush of skin and cordial hug, they were all nothing compared to the past few days. She cradled to him when she liked, allowing him to hold her even when she never vocalized it. Oh god, how could he have been so blind? It was so obvious right from the very start and he had never understood it. He had never really understood her. From the worthless perspective of hindsight it all seemed so fucking beyond reason. And as his mind raced into infinity, her’s seemed to single-minded; driven by an instinct, a lone desire.

Her eyes kept at his as she approached him, the gentle pattering of her feet as she walked faded into the obscurity of the noises around him—drown out by the events that soon followed. His head tilted downward, until their eyes aligned parallel for such a sort time. His heart throbbed in his chest as every minute detailed he had known of Jane seemed fresh and vital in his mind. Her skin ravaged by the sun, her hair by unkept habits and disillusioned morality. The fullness of her lips, coursing though crimson veins under supple skin. It was almost like a rebirth.

His eyes closed instinctually, as his mind flashed to hues of yellow and orange. The lights bounced and shined in pure brilliance as he left her lips to his. His arms swung about, grasping her and holding her to him. He was beside her now in time, and in this small moment of insignificance, he felt both total oblivion and expansive infinity. It felt equal parts hyperbole, insanity, and naivety, but for once in his life, Rob didn’t really care anymore. All that mattered was now.

And it all ended so suddenly.

She pulled away, leaving the coldness left in that place. All of the miraculous, flowery thoughts he had, his endless internal monologue of hyperbolic feelings…all of it was gone.

It was now him, and her, in a room. Bitter, cold, reality.

”This is what I was afraid of.”

He wasn’t sure if she was right. She probably was.

He took a step back, overwhelmed at the flood of emotions he had experienced. And now he stood, drained and weak, looking at this girl barely over five feet tall that had messed with his emotions for so long. And it all seemed so trivial.

”I get it,” she said at last.

Rob took a step back, and then two, continuing until his back was against the wall. His eyes glazed upwards, ashamed at what they might tell Jane. His back slid, downward, until the seat of his pants hit the floor. From here, he looked up to Jane, her face obscured by his own hairs. He felt so weak. Like everything he ever wanted had just been laid at his feet, and now all he wanted to do was run and hide. It was him that wanted to leave.

And it was probably not the reaction Jane had expected.

“I uh,” Rob started, same as her. His voice cracked as he said it. “I’m gonna need some time to process this, J.”

His mind raced to the lyrics he had heard just minutes ago:

“We could have been smart
With the plot from the start
Mistakes from the spark"

He looked up to Jane.

"We knew it wasn’t love.”

Rob breathed in deep, looked down to the floor and for once...thought of absolutely nothing.

He could only sit and wait.

[megatrash]

Jane looked down to him, sitting on the floor in shock, and nodded repeatedly. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Panic began to creep in, crawling up her back, and her inner voice began to berate her like it always did.

”See? You should have just let it be. Look at him. Look what you did.”

As her eyes lingered on him, she involuntarily frowned before taking a deep breath and sighing. What could she do at this point besides give him the time he had asked for? Nothing. Although, Jane didn’t want to. She wanted to crawl up next to him. To hug him. Touch him. Put her lips to his neck and jaw line. Run her fingers through his hair and stay with him there until he was ready.

But, Rob was different than her.

Jane was touch. Rob was words. In the same magnitude that she felt the energy and vibrations off of people, he analyzed them. She must have drove him crazy over the past few days, but only realized it now, in the silence that pulsated between. A hand had made its way to the back of her neck, and it clawed at her skin as some sort of unconscious punishment Jane’s body was giving her. The disconnection between her mind and her mouth had always frustrated her, but never to this level.

”Say something.”

“I’m,” she cleared her throat, weak and quiet from both the show and the liberation of emotion she just experienced, “I’m gonna go to bed.”

”Something else.”

Jane froze in place for a moment as her brain scrambled to find something that wouldn’t make things worse. If there even was something that wouldn’t make things worse.

“I'm sorry. Good night, Rob.”

That was all she could let out. Out of all the thoughts she was thinking, lust she was feeling, the affection she wanted to give him – a “good night” was the best she could do. It made her shake her head in pure anger at herself before forcing her legs to carry her to her room and close the door quietly.

Jane stared at herself in the mirror that sat above the dresser across from her bed. Her almond shaped, glossy eyes that always looked like she didn’t sleep the night before. Her hair, an intricate system of knots and shades of blonde, fell down over her freckled shoulders and hung below her breasts that were only shielded by a thin layer of white fabric. Hip bones jutted out at an angle right where the band of the jeans she was wearing began. Black fabric that stretched around thin legs supported by feet too small for them.

She remembered when she was younger, how much she hated these things about herself. Her lack of curves. The scars and freckles she collected. The boniness of her frame. All the things she was teased for. But now, Jane always felt something surreal when she looked at her reflection, as if it always took a moment to recognize herself. She no longer hated her appearance, but after not bothering with it for so long, it was almost like it wasn’t her body anymore; it belonged to the world, and she was just its navigator.

After stripping, throwing on a tee shirt, and brushing her teeth, she crawled weakly into the cold sheets and positioned her headphones gently in her ear. After a bit of mindless scrolling, her eyes locked on Smother by Daughter. The guitar softly hummed in her ears as she closed her eyes and held herself.

”I'm wasted, losing time
I'm a foolish, fragile spine”

Regrets, not only of what happened with Rob, but of the past twenty-three years were flooding her memories. All the energy and affection she gave to people that didn’t deserve it. Her relationship with her brothers that had completely deteriorated.

”I want all that is not mine
I want him but we're not right”

How she didn’t take care of herself. And didn’t want to. That she could never be sober. That she went through life disregarding anything that would require her to dig through the wall she had built around her feelings, yet she would expect people to remain close to her – to still love her even though she couldn’t love them.

” In the darkness I will meet my creators
They will all agree, I'm a suffocator”

Jane lit a join and puffed on it slowly as she laid in a fetal position when she felt tears begin to form in the corners of her eyes. “Stop it,” she whispered to herself. The joint was put out just as the last line of the song began.

”I sometimes wish I'd stayed inside my mother
never to come out”

Jane pulled the plush white comforter over her head and buried her face in the pillow forcefully. In that moment, Jane allowed herself to full-on cry for the first time in years. Why she felt the need to, she wasn’t sure. Rob didn’t reject her or scream at her. He loved her.

And she loved him.

A new feeling for Jane accompanied the emotions she was feeling. In this moment, she hated herself, but in a different way than when she was a child. She hated the inside.

After the tears subsided and her thoughts began to blur, she eventually drifted off to sleep in the fortress she built out of the comforter.

[HangYourSecrets]

Words had always failed Jane. He could never fault her for always trying to express herself with her physicality, and he did not fault her for leaving him now. There wasn’t much left to be said. All the stresses of the world had come upon them both, it had seemed. Nothing would ever be so simple. Not anymore.

Upon this cold floor, he thought about how she had been feeling. She had to have developed her feelings for him far after her denial of him…right? It was the only way anything made sense. He had always operated with the sense that Jane wouldn’t consciously hurt him, but…subconsciously? He wasn’t sure. Jane was an enigma to even herself, or so it seemed.

But what did it matter? Her words echoed in his head.

”I don’t know how I will feel in a week, a month.”

It was the brutal fucking truth he had taught himself to ignore. He could sit and pretend that those words hadn’t bothered him. That he was like her; free, searching…longing for what’s there. But he wasn’t. His world was of logic and her’s of passion. This small entryway into her own world, for him, this seemingly insignificant shred of passion in his angular world, had already destroyed them both. He couldn’t possibly imagine what it would do with them together.

It was all so much to process. The past few months had felt like an insurmountable climb. He was like a dog chasing cars. And now that the car had stopped…what now? He had grown so comfortable in denial, that acceptance was the ultimate trial. To open himself up now was far different than it had been even on the roof top that had shared a few nights ago. That was admitting to her that he had his own weakness for her. Like showing someone a valuable treasure. And now that she had reciprocated, it was more like handing it over. Such a valuable, worthless thing, his affections were. So easily manipulated. Altered. Crushed. With so many things to do and see in the world, it always felt like a pointless waste of time.

But then he remembered the kiss. And that feeling…that moment of happiness and electricity, that moment seemed like a first high. I feeling he'd always chase but never quite reach.

Rob shook his head slightly, trying to clear out this thoughts. Sliding out his phone, he called Austin.

“Hey man,” he had said. “We’re downstairs.”

Right. The party. They had been waiting for them.

“We’re uh—“ he started, feeling his voice breaking. Wait…was he going to cry? Why the fuck would he cry? He shook the thought and tried again. “We’re not going to go.”

“Great,” Austin’s voice came flat upon the line. “Who’s more upset this time?”

“Could you, uh, meet me on the roof?”

“…whatever.”

---

This rooftop was far more windy and cold than the last he had stepped foot on. It had been far easier to access (in fact, it seemed people were allowed up here), but much more difficult to find a warm place. Rob had stood around, smoking two cigarettes before Austin came up.

“A little warning would’ve been nice,” he said to Austin as he approached. His friend could only roll his eyes.

“It’s Jane,” he said. “What were you expecting?”

“Oh, yeah,” Rob countered, playing cool. “Fuck me, right?”

“Jesus Christ,” Austin said. His usual, sarcastic demeanor had suddenly dropped in favor of his seriously, but-really-man tone he would take on to prove the gravity of his words. “You like a girl, she likes you back, and you’re really going to lock into self-loathing mode?”

“I don’t—“ Rob choked out. “I don’t want to be, man. I don’t want any of this shit, but here I am. Hating myself for being so vulnerable.” He thought for a moment. “It’s like going to a movie, but being told the ending before it begins.”

“She told you she didn’t know how long it could even last?” Austin said. Rob nodded.

“It’s not going to hurt any less if I know it ends. If anything, it just hurts a lot fucking more now.”

“Look,” Austin said, grabbing his shoulder for a moment, “here’s the thing. For one, you don’t know how you’ll feel either. This moment, you like her, the next, you may not. There’s a big fucking difference between like and love. You can feel how you want to. But your love—or at least the kind you feel for Jane—that can be a choice. It’s something developed over time. And two…she’s trying, man. She wants so bad to not hurt your feelings. She’s never wanted to. She’s trying to tell you that, and maybe you’re just focusing on the wrong aspects of what’s coming out of her mouth.”

Rob nodded, before turning and taking a smoke. “I guess I get what you mean.”

“I’ve never seen Jane like this,” Austin said, pulling a cigarette from Rob’s carton. “She might think of herself as someone who’ll drop you in a moment, but from my point of view man, she’s probably just as scared as you. Because both of you are feeling ways you haven’t ever felt before. At the very least, just give it a fucking shot.”

Rob smiled for a moment at the way Austin finished his thought.

Austin left soon after, saying he was going to meet back up with Sam for another party. This left Rob alone with his own mind on this cold rooftop.

It was if two pieces of a puzzle had slowly come together. He wasn’t sure how long they had been there in the first place, but now everything seemed so glaringly obvious. He felt a wave of calm hit him for the first time in what seemed like forever.

All of his thoughts and feelings were slowly being acknowledged. And all he had done was panic.

The truth was, he wanted Jane for who she was, and it seemed that she wanted the same thing. He told himself long ago that it was what he wanted, but now that he was faced with it, he had initially panicked.

But why had he done so?

Because…it was scary. New, and different. But it was what he wanted.

Being with Jane was something he could predict. There was no consistency, but would there had been with anyone? He wasn’t sure, but he sure did doubt it.

He knew he had no need to label what he had with Jane. And he knew Jane wasn’t going to force him into anything else. She wouldn’t be the constant entity he had tricked himself into wanting but knew would be wrong. No cheesy romantic dates. No trouble for forgetting to respond to a text. No unnecessary drama about the most trivial of things.

And as Rob made his way back to his room, he felt that initial wave of calm continue to grow. He had let the thought of endless possibilities freeze him in place for far too long. He had to learn how to react to his own terms. Make choice. Be true to his own feelings and desires. He had denied them for so long, it was what had gotten him into the mess in the first place.

Rob made a pact with himself as he crawled into bed. If Jane could force herself to confront her greater inhibitions, if she could meet him on her terms as she had done for him…then he could easily return the favor.

And so he’d start tonight.

In little more than his boxers, Rob made his way from his room to hers, entering for the first time since they had stayed in.

On her bed was a small mountain of blankets. It had even taken a while to find her in the dim lighting, but at least, he saw her head near the trail of blonde stands it had left behind.

She seemed asleep, but very recently. Dried tears stained her face, shining from the city lights peering in from closed curtains. She looked so pained.

He began to have second thoughts about his initial plan to act on his own feelings. What if it’s not what she wants? What if she wanted to be alone? God, this is so fucking creepy of me to do.

He came to a sense of clarity as he thought through the mountain of worries he had. Perhaps that was what Jane had felt when he had acted upon him. So many risks involved…so much self-hatred from the selfishness of the act he was about to take on.

Sensing his own hesitation, he realized that he needed to act. Standing above her in the room, like this, wasn’t helping with his own feelings of creepiness.

Without thinking, he decided to act.

“I can’t remember how often you did this to me,” he whispered so softly he himself could barely hear it. His words were hardly louder than his own thoughts; purposely said so Jane wouldn’t be bothered by them. “But it always made me feel better. So I guess this is revenge. I just hope…it makes you feel better, too.”

He slowly pulled at the comforter, making room beside Jane for himself. “Promise I’m not a creep,” he muttered even softer than he had earlier. He laid down as gently as he could. He was too far in now. He had chosen to react physically. Only time would tell if he would come to regret this later.

Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Jane’s body, and closed his own eyes. No thoughts, no words, just…physicality. And for a split-second, he didn’t feel so selfish for having done this. Each time he had held Jane before it had been for his own pleasure in own mind.

How? And he wanted to do was make Jane feel better. Without words, without thoughts of whatever the future would hold for them.

Just the silence, and the contact shared between them.

[megatrash]

A small groan escaped Jane's lips as she felt arms embrace her. It didn't take her but a moment to process what was happening, and in her barely-awake state, she whispered a "Hi" to greet Rob as he held her. Although his actions were out of character, they were not unwelcomed, and to prove it, Jane's much smaller hand moved on top of his, her fingers lacing between his gently, and she guided his hand under the tee shirt, tucking his fingers under the side she was sleeping on, so that it rested on her stomach below the breast that his hand was usually found on when they woke up together. She shifted her body back so that she was completely encompassed by his, the warmth completely eradicating the loneliness she had been feeling earlier.

Jane's instincts, if not always on, were thrusting into high gear. She wanted to badly to turn to face him. To enact then scenes she had been playing in her head over and over. To feel his hands all over her bare skin instead of just the one that was on her torso. But, she didn't.

She enjoyed the moment - the closeness - for what is was, and she decided not to give into her desires as she always did. All of her nerve endings were on fire from the much anticipated moment they were sharing, though, and she couldn't help but tightly grip the arm that wrapped around her.

"Calm down, Jane. Go to sleep."

Jane grabbed the hand from the other arm that tunneled under her pillow and poked out the other side, and she once again laced her fingers through it, this time, his hand engulfing hers. She brought of one his fingers to her mouth, and slowly, softly, she kissed it once.

Another whisper. "Good night, Rob."

-------------------------------------

The morning came too soon, and immediately after Jane's eyes opened, she saw the time blinking at her. 6:27 AM. Why the hell did she always wake up so early?

"Shit," she whispered as she squeezed her eyes closed to alleviate how dry they felt.

After coming to her senses, she became aware of the body wrapped around hers, large and strong. Rob's hand had made its way to its usual spot, this time underneath her shirt, and his other was still grasping hers tightly as if they hadn't moved once during the night. Their legs intertwined like vines that were planted too closely together as seeds, sprouting together, not knowing they were not supposed to grow like this.

Jane breathed a sigh of relief. After his initial reaction to her admission, she didn't expect to be able to look at him, let alone lay together in such an intimate fashion. But the same desires she previously had pushed away the night before bubbled up again inside of her.

The decision was made since she had awoken, but after a few minutes of hesitation, Jane maneuvered her body slowly and steadily until she was facing him. He was still deep in sleep, completely unaware of the comfort Jane was siphoning from him. She was so used to leaving his side without a word, leaving him to wake up on his own wondering where she had gone. Those were never her intentions, but never having to face someone in the morning was one of Jane's goals when she had spent the night with someone. The nights with Rob, though, were never like the ones filled with mindless, physical passion she had spent with those she never really cared about. But she was a creature of habit.

Jane kissed the collarbone in front of her, then lifted her body up with an arm to whisper in his ear. "I'll be back later." Part of her never wanted to get up - to leave the man cradling her in his unconscious - but she knew she would, just like she always had.

-------------------------------------

Half an hour later, Jane found herself plopped down in a small grassy area with a swing set and a slide. By her guess, some group had probably petitioned for more natural area in the city and were only granted a pathetic lot wedged between two monstrous buildings.

She had laid down with her board beneath her head, ear buds throbbing to Iceblink Luck by Cocteau Twins as all the fuzzy feelings she left the hotel room were replaced with ones of fear. What would the following days consist of? What did last night mean? Did it actually mean anything? Had she been too forward?

Jane grunted as if it would silence the turmoil. But it didn't. Knowing Rob, they would have to talk out their feelings - her worst nightmare - and that alone made her frightened her enough to not go back to the hotel room. Not yet. She wanted to ride off the high she was feeling from their night together without it getting ruined by emotions and words. It was as if Jane could still feel his hands on her chest.

As she lit a cigarette, Jane closed her eyes and breathed deeply as she absorbed everything she was feeling, which was a whirlwind of yearning, passion and uncertainty. Usually what she felt on a day-to-day basis, but this time, it felt more urgent. More important.

After finally working up the courage, she picked her body up off the ground and pushed her board back to the hotel. Jane must have talked herself out of turning around and finding somewhere else to hide three times before she had finally made it.

She entered the room quietly to find Rob still in bed.

"Hey," she greeted him quietly as she crawled next to him. "I'm sorry about last night." A hand wrapped around his uncovered torso, and her eyes locked intently onto his. "I wish I was better at talking things out like you are." Jane faintly smiled. The words felt so cliché as they came out, but it was the truth.

She was melting in his arms at an alarming rate, one that made Jane want to run away once again. But instead, she nuzzled herself into his chest and closed her eyes, pushing the hesitation she felt aside, feeling less and less unsure as to why she felt it in the first place.

[HangYourSecrets]

When morning came, Jane had left. It was an expected event, but somewhere in him, he had to admit to himself that it had always stung. This time, however, he felt much more welcome; less like a man trespassing into a world he didn’t belong in, and more like a welcomed guest. How long he’d be welcomed, however, would be very difficult to say.

The next thought he had was the one of his own agency. What had driven him to get into her bed last night? The days he had spent worrying and wandering were so recent, yet so far. And now he was being forward once more? He supposed that her acceptance of him had given him a new found confidence not formally found. Yet in the morning he felt reverted back to his usual self, as if the entity proud and confident had taken him in the night, yet left him in the morning as Jane had done.

There were things he had done (or rather hadn’t) out of respect for Jane’s denial? Now that that was gone? His libido was slowly claiming himself.

Before he could further self-reflect, the door creaked open again. Jane’s body slipped back into the bed, back with him. Animalistic urges soared through Rob like never before; his mind had altered from his emotional attraction to Jane into the realm of the physical.

His body nearly pulsed with her touch upon him.

”I wish I was better at talking things out like you are” her voice came. The soft reverberations of her voice drove him wild, sending soft vibrations into him. She nuzzled against him, and every bone in his body chanted more, more.

“I wish I was better at understanding myself,” he said. He envied her impulses; her honestly in physicality. Now, with her and her permission, he wondered if he ever would be so honest with her.

His arms wrapped around her, and he bent down, placing a kiss upon the top of her hair, longing. Somewhere in his mind, his past self was eating his heart out.

…

Several hours passed, and the bed vibrated softly with the reverberations of Rob’s phone. Lifting it, a text came in: Where are you?

It was from Sam. It may as well been sent from Reality.

And suddenly the worries returned. What about the rest of the tour? The band? Sam and Austin? Surely they would be happier about the tension being released, but band members dating? Were they even dating at all?

He cut off his thought, and gently relinquished Jane from his grasp; letting her stay on the bed, sliding up to a sitting position

“We need to get ready to leave,” he sighed. “I uh…I’m not going to ask you to be something you’re not, so I won’t…”

Rob’s voice trailed. He felt like he was formally asking a girl to date; something he hadn’t done since high school. It was so weird to be so vocal about his intentions. But he pressed on regardless.

“I guess it’s too obvious for Sam and Austin to keep it a secret from them,” he said. Then he panicked It was a secret? What was it a secret? Did Jane want a secret. His own skill set of words; the same Jane had praised him for, were failing him. What came next? What was this new territory? Could it even be defined?

“Fuck it,” he muttered to himself. “I overthink things anyways.” He had promised to be true to himself, and he was lying already.

Rob bent down and gently lifted Jane’s chin, so that their eyes aligned. Closing them, Rob bent in, and softly kissed the lips he had been staring at all this time. Electricity shot between him and her. But before the feeling to escalate…he pulled back softly, standing up and straightening himself.

“Sometimes,” he said, “talking things out aren’t necessary.”

He slipped out of the room, but not before turning back and saying: “I’ll be in the living room,” before closing the door behind him.

Rob quickly moved into his own room first, cleaning up his things, feeling the cold bed that had been so neglected the night before. The future was a complete uncertainty, but was was true was that he had to be direct now. He could no longer hide behind his own fancy words or conflicted thoughts. Other people were involved in his own world, and his own duality must be controlled.

He put on a usual outfit for him, looked in the mirror, and laughed. A tight black V-neck. How original, Rob.

He moved next to place his things in the space by the door, and making a pot of coffee soon after. He sat on the couch where they had sat just hours ago but worlds away.

There were thousands of questions and no answers in sight. It was hardly what he had expected things to be like on a tour. On this trip where he had expected to find himself.

Now he was a kite in a hurricane. Waiting. Thrilled for the future and scared of the possibilities somehow in the same thought.

[megatrash]

“Yeah,” she replied softly, slowly breathing in, “you’re on your own with that one.” A smile formed on her lips as she titled her head slightly to look up at him. God, he was so attractive. How had she been so blind?

Jane knew that most girls followed a set of unspoken rules when it came to intimacy with another person. One kiss on the first date was acceptable. Maybe further by the fifth. Never have sex with him unless he asks you to be his girlfriend. Don’t be “easy.”

She viewed such ideals as completely trite and traditional. Plus, most of these rules, in her mind, never applied to the situations she found herself in. Especially with Rob. They weren’t dating. They hadn’t just met. They weren’t learning new things about each other or getting to know one another.

Officially, after Jane’s admission of her feelings the night before, Rob knew everything about her. Everyone who had touched her. All of the fucked up things she had done to people in the past. Her mother’s alcoholism. The fact that she felt so painfully alone growing up. Her odd habits, like saying “uh” too much when she tried to explain herself, or how she puked when she was nervous.

In a both frightening and comforting revelation in that very moment, Jane realized – metaphorically – that she was completely naked with no way to hide from Rob now. She couldn’t pretend to be the soulless, carefree person that everyone thought she was. He was a both a strength and a weakness.

Jane’s mouth moved to his chest and gently began to kiss him, inching up to his neck, ear lobe, and finally, his lips. It all felt so strange, that she was here in a moment with him, her best friend for years, but that didn’t stop her from acting on her desires.

Vocalizing her feelings were never Jane’s forte. Probably never would be.

But, what was happening now – this was her talent. Her arena.

Her hands relocated to his neck, her thumbs slipping up in front of his ears, and the other fingers back into his hair, and she pulled him closer to her as she kissed him, eventually guiding him over her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun peaking in from the window was causing Jane’s bare body to glisten in the light as Rob began to remove himself from her bed, and it was still riding a wave from what had taken place moments before. She couldn’t help but nearly giggle as Rob attempted to piece together words that accurately described what was happening, mainly because it reminded her of herself and her horrendous way with words.

But the feeling of laughing stopped as he leaned down to kiss her again, once again lighting all of her nerve endings on fire, and her thoughts turned back to the morning they had spent together. The easy part, at least for Jane, was the physical aspect of the situation they were in. Saying that she was pleasantly surprised with Rob keeping up with her was an understatement, and Jane couldn’t imagine her getting sick of his body anytime soon, but the moments when they weren’t in bed together were the ones she feared the most.

Would he expect her to be all over him? To act differently than she normally did? To call him “babe” or hold his hand? He would never expect that of her, right? If he had these feelings for the true, real Jane, than he knew that all of the things most people expect out of a bond like this weren’t in her nature, but logic couldn't keep the doubts from creeping up her spine.

Without bothering to get dressed first, she made her way to the bathroom to take a quick shower, letting the hot stream of water hit her back before she did anything else. She sighed at the pleasurable feeling, and her eyes lingered on the marks Rob’s hands had left on her wrists. It made her smirk in delight.

After doing a final sweep of her room and getting dressed, she made her way to Rob in the living room and dropped her bag on the floor before her phone vibrated in her back pocket.

Jane: Hey.
Austin: Yo, we’re meeting in the lobby in 10.
Jane: Got it.

She dropped the phone down into the back and focused her attention on the man in front of her. She inched towards him and gently sat down on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Hey,” her raspy voice whispered. “We gotta be downstairs in 10.”

They were playing two shows that day. An early set in Philly, then a late set in Cleveland. A busy day of performing and driving.

“I’m, uh, I’m not concerned about the guys knowing,” she admitted, as her eyes, only inches from his, peered at him. “I just don’t want you to get upset if I’m not climbing all over you today.” She sighed as she heard what came out of her mouth, and her eyes looked away from his as she positioned her body to be cradled by him, her face resting in the crook of his neck. “Fuck. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I will be climbing all over you after our set tonight,” Jane whispered as she pressed a kiss into his neck. "You know I suck at all of this shit."

Jesus, what was happening to her?

She cleared her throat and sat up stretching. “Let’s go, yeah?”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey," Jane greeted Austin through her round-framed sunglasses as she entered the lobby.
Austin smirked. "Hey." Before he could ask any questions, the van pulled up in the loop outside of the automatic doors.

"Here we go," she mumbled to herself, grunting as she repositioned the large bag on her back, and climbed into the van with the others. She took a seat in the very back of the van and wedged herself in a corner. She was already tired, and only a half an hour after they had taken off for Philadelphia, she had drifted off as her earbuds played Dead Golden West by Anywhere.

An hour later, she woke up to see her legs laying on Rob's lap as he sat next to her. He emotions she abandoned in her sleep came flooding back to her at once, and almost immediately, they were making her panic.

Jane found herself wanting to hold him, to feel his arms around her, not even in a sensual way. It was as if she missed the feeling already. Like it had been days since the morning.

And it was a sensation she wasn't fond of.

"You're becoming soft, Jane. Vulnerable. Lame. Idiotic."

She shook the thoughts from her head instead of acting on them and remained where she was. "How much longer?" she called out to anyone that would answer.
"About half an hour," Austin replied as he popped his head up from the seat in front of them. "Nice of you to join us, J. Why are you so tired?"
Jane swung her leg from Rob's lap and kicked the seat. "Shut up."

She was painfully sober, and a half an hour from stopping sounded like a day away.

"Once you have a beer or two in you, you'll feel normal again."

[HangYourSecrets]

The drive was short, for the first leg. A morning set was something to be desired for Rob. Something that didn’t involve waiting the whole day for. Typically, his mind would never relax the day of a show; having the need to perform at the back of his mind. Today, he would get it over with.

That was, if there hadn’t been a second set on the horizon, later that day.

He had texted Harold about the scheduling as they had checked out of the hotel, asking him about why the schedule seemed more and more crowded with each passing day. He was faced with a passive response about how theres a need to keep money flowing in and out to “cultivate demographics” or some of the other bullshit terminology Harold liked to use. Although, once Harold had berated Rob with the specific costs of creating and shipping out more records to each tour in advance, as well as the organizational costs and other miscellaneous things the band had to absorb due to their new-found fame, he dropped the issue.

His mind couldn’t focus; he sat quietly as Jane curled up next to him and Austin gained control of the stereo once more. Run Boy Run by Woodkid played over the speakers, shaking the car with the augmented bass response provided by the track. He watched as Austin violently beat the upholstery to the endless beat of the drums. Rob closed his eyes, listening to the beat, feeling the vibrations of the car.

He couldn’t shake his mind from what had happened earlier.

And it wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed himself—rather, it was one of the best experiences of his life. In the past, Rob had looked at sex as something to gain from. To use to satisfy his own desires. But this morning didn’t seem so selfish. It was mutual. A shared experience. Stronger than any high or trip he had ever had in recent memory.

She had only helped fuel the fire earlier that day.

”I will be climbing all over you after our set tonight,” she had said. Not a suggestion, not an invitation.

A promise.

Rob couldn’t help but feel a tinge of remorse for focusing on such words, but she had been so forward about her actions and desires. And it shouldn’t have surprised him, but it really had. Perhaps it was the jarring disconnect between his mental state just twenty-four hours ago, and that of his now.

He felt a weight upon his lap, and looked down to see Jane’s legs stretching out slightly from their previous position; her feet now across to his right, her small frame to his left. Her legs rested upon him, and Rob couldn’t help but look back up, seeing if his other band mates had noticed. It was then that he realized this confusion over speed wasn’t going away anytime soon.

Austin poked his head back over the seat at some point during the trip, alluding to what he had known. Rob pushed the conversation Jane had with Austin out of his mind, laying his head back, putting on his headphones, and trying to block out the rest of the trip.

---

They had arrived at Philadelphia right on time, loading the equipment so methodically, it had gone by without so much as a second thought to them. The men and women in black set to help them grew more and more faceless with each show they had played. Once he had finished, he made his way to his usual spot—in the press pit, waiting anonymously as the band before them finished their set.

As he watched this band, their energy seemed to enthrall him. The singer (a male with a strong undercut and tattoos up to his neck) seemed so genuinely happy to be on stage. The guitarist sang backup, belting out each word and syllable as if it was the very first time he had performed. Their drummer slammed his kit so hard, Rob wondered he he could manage without ravaging blisters.

What this band in front of him was not controlled chaos. It was pure energy. They weren’t playing to be far from their problems or escape their better natures—their true selves. They were them on stage, playing the music they loved, being cheered on by those who loved them. Introducing new people to their music.

Maybe Rob had lost that over the tour. Sure, each time he played, he truly played his heart out, but maybe…it really was all an act. An exercise in release of tension. Of stresses from home, or from Jane. From anything really. He looked down to his phone as they continued on, opening his messages.

He hadn’t spoken to his parents since the tour had begun.

Rob’s parents were pragmatic, cold people. They were the inspiration Rob had drawn from when forming his own self-image—copying their ruthless, stringent natures to cope with the loss he had felt from them. Sure, he had his own personal falling out with his father, but it was his mother too he felt so cold from, especially now.

A sudden feeling of imposter syndrome fell over Rob, all at once. Where were these feeling coming from? He asked himself. Why am I so concerned about my parents?

He couldn’t know, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it. So few people remained in his life after high school. He had no siblings, no real friends outside of the band, and even fewer true friends within the band. And now, that he had willing entered uncharted territory with his one, true friend…

Rob walked away from the press pit before the set had ended, sliding out through metallic scaffolding and into the band parking lot. Here, busses sat surrounding each other like a miniature town; the larger carrier busses hulking their massive frames above the smaller vans.

Unluckily, his phone rang just as he had sat himself down. He checked the caller ID.

Harold.


“Yeah,” he barked into his phone. He held the device between his shoulder and neck, lighting a cigarette with his free hands

“I know you’re about to go on,” he said, his nasally baritone voice showing a hint of anger. “So I’ll keep it short. Do you have any new tracks?”

“I’m the drummer,” he said. “I don’t write the songs. I just support them.”

“Bullshit. I know you’ve been working on something with that new guitar of yours.”

Rob’s mind flashed to his bandmates. Who had told Harold? Who had known? Austin? …Jane? He tried to pay it no mind. “Anything I work on with that guitar is my own work. Besides, you wouldn’t like it. Too complicated for you.”

“Look,” Harold said. “I’ve tried to play nice on you because of whatever you and Jane have been doing, but I really need you to get with the program on this one. Music isn’t what it used to be. We can’t afford to wait around another three years until your next album. And we can’t afford to keep tracks like Speechless on the setlist.”

Rob openly grimaced. “I didn’t know you were controlling our sound now, Harold.”

“I know what sells. So do me a favor and make something I can sell, ok? Sam’s got a few riffs he wanted to show you. Talk to him”

Suddenly, the line cut off, and Rob lowered the phone, cursing to himself. Sam had new stuff? Normally, the songwriting process was a lot less organized. People would approach with different ideas, and it all came from there. Since when would Sam tell Harold about new stuff? And why not tell me himself?”

A crew member walked outside, signaling Rob to come up the set. He obliged, thanking the crew member before meeting up with the rest of the band to get on stage. Sam shot him a pained smile.

Since when did they stop talking? He figured he had enough to deal with besides the thing with Jane. Now Harold was working band members against him?

He looked to Jane and smiled softly. He didn’t know what she expected of him, and she most likely felt the same way about his expectations. They were going to have to figure this out, one way or another. Instinct and intimacy would work great now, but when push came to shove, he knew Jane liked the sound of the single more than she let on. How were they going to deal with public life? Rumors? New tracks, new problems?

Looking to his left, he saw a crew member standing beside a small table of drinks. He walked over, getting her permission to partake, before downing two shots of whatever spirit had been sitting out. From the taste, he assumed vodka. He’d surely need it if he was going to play as if he enjoyed it.

“Good luck!” Came a voice from behind him. Rob turned to see the drummer for the band he had seen just a few minutes ago. The drummer offered Rob a happy, toothy grin and a wave of the hand. Rob reciprocated, watching him follow his other band members off to their next adventure.

He knew it was dumb to think they had it better, but in this moment…damn. Did he envy them.

[megatrash]

The minute Jane stepped out of the van, she had one goal: to get a drink. She said her goodbyes to the band and set off into the field that was housing the festival in search for some sort of concession stand when her phone rang in her back pocket. Mia’s name was pulsating on the screen. Why would she be calling her already when they had just left New York that day?

Jane: What’s up, babe?
Mia: Google your name.
Jane: Huh?
Mia: Do it. Hurry.
Jane: Putting you on speaker.

“J, a, n, e, M, o, l, l, o, y,” she read aloud as typed it.

Jane: What is this?
Mia: A story MusicOne did on you. Didn’t seem like something you’d be down for, so I wanted to make sure you knew.
Jane: I didn’t know. I’ll, uh, I’ll call you later, yeah?

She hung up the phone and began reading over it. Two pictures ( x x ) were pasted in between paragraphs, with a bold headline on top reading Rock’s New Vixen. “Jesus Christ,” she muttered under her breath as she scrolled through the article written about her.

It was just as she figured. It barely focused on the music or her talent at all and, instead, peered into her personal life. It talked about her hobbies: longboarding, surfing, being a “beach bum.” Nothing alarming. But as the article continued, it dove deeper. Phrases like “rumored bisexual,” “party girl,” and “wild child” littered the page. Quotes from close sources giving their opinions on her lifestyle. “Great,” she groaned sarcastically as she stuffed her phone in her bag and made her way over to the the stand selling drinks.

“Rum and coke. Double please,” she asked the bartender as she dug through her bag to pull out a crumpled wad of cash. She handed him the money and downed the drink just as quickly, and then she ordered another. “Thanks,” she nodded as she shot back the other and set the glass down on the stand.

Her bare feet were sinking into the grass as she trudged her way to the stage they were playing on, lighting a joint in the meantime and conspicuously puffing on it until she saw Austin and Sam fiddling with their instruments. “Hey,” she greeted them as she searched the area for the cooler of beer they were promised, sighing in relief as she found it and cracked one open. On the inside, she was fuming. Harold had probably been the one responsible for the article; his finger prints were all over it.

Not recognizing her talent, but her sex appeal.

Jane’s eyes locked on Rob, who was closer to the stage, and she tried her best to be nonchalant as she made her way over to him. “Hey there,” she smirked as she took a swig of her beer. “Cigarette?” Two were taken out of her pack, and one settled between her lips as she lit it. She was thankful to be feeling the effects of inebriation; it was keeping her from wanting to cling to him. A stage hand passed by them, signaling that they were to get on in two minutes, and after he had walked away, she nudged his arm.

It was almost instantly after touching him that Jane could sense that Rob was… off. It immediately made her worry that he was having second thoughts about what had happened between him. “You okay, Rob?”

Before she could extract an answer, they were called up on stage. ”Great.”

She gripped the microphone stand, as always, and neared the black orb in front of her. “Hey, everyone.”
The crowd replied with cheers.
“How are you guys doing tonight?” She smirked as she heard her smoky voice pour out of the speakers around her. “We’re In Bloom from Long Beach, California.”
More cheers.
“I’m Jane, that’s Sam,” she pointed. “Austin on bass. And that’s Rob all the way back there. Everyone, say hi to Rob.”
The crowd played along: “Hi, Rob!”
“Thanks for coming out.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jane nearly ran off the stage as soon as the thanked the crowd to avoid having to talk to anyone for a moment, disappearing behind a tapestry set up for anyone needing to change. Playing during the day time definitely caused more sweat to be produced, and the heat, momentarily, was overwhelming until she dumped a bottle of water over her head. After peaking out of the the curtain, she saw Rob as he was passing by and yanked him by the arm, pulling him into her hideout.

“Hey,” she greeted him in a breathy matter as her lungs involuntarily heaved for air. “Good job.” Jane was about to ask him what was wrong, or at least if he needed anything. They hadn’t really talked that day, although ideal for her, she knew Rob better than that. He was most likely mulling over thought after thought in his head, analyzing everything happening between them, while she was just thinking where to get a beer, and for a moment, she felt shame for not being like him. Not feeling so sensitive or curious all the time.

Jane pulled his face down to hers so that she could give him a quick kiss, but once she started, she could only continue it. Deepen it. It took her biting his bottom lip to realize where they were and what was happening, as if she had been in a trance. “Sorry,” she let go of him and took a step backward. In a matter-of-fact tone, she admitted, “Something I never felt the need to tell you, but, uh, I get a little turned on when I’m up there.” Jane sighed and looked up to him. “Off to Cleveland.”

She wanted so badly to whine and complain about the article that was written about her, but she figured she could save it for later. Complaining at the beginning of a seven-hour drive wasn't the vibe she wanted to set for the trip.

After grabbing one more beer, she walked with the band back to the van and crawled inside, and once inside, she worked at her messy hair to get it off of her neck and up into a knot on her head.

“Good job, guys,” she cheered once they entered the van. “Good set.” Jane looked over to Rob on her left and flashed him a genuine smile before settling back into her claimed corner of the back row.

She couldn't help but wonder what was happening inside of him at that moment. He wasn't one easily read by facial expressions or spoken sentiments. He didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. He was stoic and calm while Jane was fiery and passionate. She began to think maybe being so forward wasn't what he wanted - although, she wasn't doing it to please him. Jane was linear in her thoughts when in came to lust and connections with people. She took what she wanted. If it was too much too quickly for him, would he tell her, or would he bottle it in?

She sighed audibly as she wiggled her body in a more comfortable position and whipped out her phone to text the other man driving her crazy. Harold.

Jane: What the fuck was that piece on me?
Harold: A hit. 35,000 views since it was posted this morning.

"Damn it." Could he have been right? The thought of Jane playing up her sensual side for more attention seemed cheap.

Her phone vibrated again.

Harold: If you're gonna live the way you do, lets at least make some money off of it.

Jane wanted to scream, but instead, she tossed her phone into the purse on the floor and removed the strays hands of hair that had fallen across her forehead. The AUX cord was in her hand ready for her to be the DJ, but Jane tossed it to Sam in the row ahead of her. "You can skip me." She buried her way as far as she could into the inner wall of the van.

6 more weeks to go.

[HangYourSecrets]

Escapism was essentially what the performances had trickled down to, in the end. Rob played every note as strong as he could, nailing every alteration of the beat, every minute ghost note and roll.

He couldn’t help but suppress a smile as he heard the crowd in front of him call out his name. It was actually rather terrifying, he had allowed himself to think. “How you all doin’ today?” He called out to them in his microphone, before swiveling it away from him for the first track to begin. It would only later be used for light harmonies on one of their more popular tracks, during three bars in the bridge. Aside from that one moment in that one song, he had never sang a word for the band. The anonymity of the drums were too valuable to leave behind, for any and all reasons.

Once the show had ended, he made his way over to the craft table, putting down another shot, as well as snaking on the chips left out for them. He watched a bead of sweat drop off his head into a cup of Coke, and picked it up instinctually. Seems like he’d be having that, as well.

He was just turning to see where the others had run off too, when a hand slipped around his bicep, pulling him behind a tapestry.

Jane was there, looking as tired as ever after the show. But her eyes….they seemed much different than he usually saw them. They weren’t the typical, unreadable irises he had stared into so many times before. She showed desire, and acted on it as well, pulling Rob closer to her; their lips connecting.

Rob reciprocated immediately, running his free hand behind her, grazing the top of her back, under her hair, grasping the back of her head lightly, holding her to him. They stood like this even longer, as he felt Jane press on, her tongue lightly grazing against his lips—then, the slight bite of teeth against his lower lip.

What might have been several seconds felt simply like a moment, as Jane pulled away from him.

”I get a little turned on when I’m up there.” she had said.

Well, that seemed to make two of them.

…

On the way back to the van, Rob felt yet another person pull against him. He rotated his body as such, and was faced with the drummer from the earlier band he had seen; the only one he had really envied.

“Hey man!” the drummer said with a smile, offering a hand. Rob took it. “Killer set! We were about to head off, but I wanted to catch what you could do.”

“I appreciate it,” Rob said. “I loved your energy. The way you got the crowd to move…”

The other drummer shook his head slightly. “We just do the same as you man. Where’s your next stop?”

“Cleveland.”

“No shit! Same as us,” he said. He gave a look as if he had realized something. “Shit, my bad. Trent, by the way.”

“Rob. Good to meet you man!” Rob said, sliding to leave.

“See you there! Don’t let the bad press get you down!” Trent said, giving a wave, before sending the same hand against his buzzed hair. As he rounded a corner, Rob could see a flash of raven hair. Some other bandmate, perhaps. What was their name again? Various? No...Vicarious. That was it.

But what he really had focused on what his last sentence. What bad press? Did I miss something? He made a mental note to look into it sometime on the way to Cleveland, and climbed into the van soon after, sitting in what seemed like a new usual spot next to Jane. She hid herself once more against the wall, keeping her whole body up atop the seat. Had something gone wrong with her? She seemed perfectly fine at the show. Was it something he had done? Wait…how the fuck could it be?

Each of the thoughts felt something like the bullshit a boyfriend would have to worry about. It wasn’t his responsibility to be manager of Jane or her feelings. But…he did have to try when they were friends. And they certainly were in the least, friends.

Trying to act more than think, Rob slid a hand across to her, putting a hand on her leg and rubbing it slightly with his thumb. She had given up her AUX privileges moments ago, as Sam sat up and blasted Low by Foo Fighters, which served as a pretty decent soundtrack to look out the window too. Rob nodded his head to the beat, enjoying how focused the song was on it’s simple, down-tuned main riff.

It led him to think of Sam. He hoped his guitarist would at least have come up with something catchy, like this, if he was going to come up with anything simple. Sam’s old style of guitar playing seemed more like a Fall of Troy B-Side. Something interesting and melodic, yet altered enough to satisfy Rob’s more complicated styling. Now it felt more typical than ever. Four chords on the chorus. Opening, simplistic riffs. Chugging on the bridge just to keep things sounding heavier than they really are. If they were about to come up with some new song not even halfway into a tour, it should be something worth making.

The AUX chord had gotten around to Rob after some time. Needing some chiller music, Rob queued up a guilty pleasure: Banquet by Bloc Party. As it played on, Rob imagined his younger self, learning the drums, playing this song. Being so proud to manage the drum fill about two and a half minutes into the track. It was so long ago.

He passed out after another hour, one hand sprawled out next to him and the other on Jane. He was awoken what felt like immediately after by Sam. Outside, the sun was just finished setting, and the band had stopped at yet another mall; this one, an outdoor mall. Glad for the space to walk around, he looked over to Jane.

“Did you want to get some food?” He asked, seeing his other bandmate caught up in some sort of discussion. He was unsure if whether or not she wanted to eat, nevertheless with him on some sort of impromptu date, but he felt compelled to at the very least ask. If he was going to manage every sort of trial this tour would surely throw at him, he needed to at the very least be more open and direct with Jane. His confused, silent nature wasn’t going to get him anywhere with the people he cared about. Thoughts of his parents quickly came and went as he slipped out of the van, giving Jane a moment to fully wake up and decide.

[megatrash]

Jane had been in and out of a light sleep throughout the trip. Not enough to drown out the conversations taking place between Austin and Sam, but deep enough to not be able to join in. She was shaken out it, though, when Sam woke up Rob, and she groggily sat up and stretched her body out.

She nodded at invitation he had given her, and once they exited the van, they walked along the strip to find somewhere to eat, eventually settling down at a table at a sandwich shop.

After they ordered, Jane took out her phone, found the page the article was on, and slid it over to Rob. The screen was cracked in the corner, and it looked like it had been dropped more times than it was held. And thrown. It had been thrown a few times, too. Grains of sand stuck in the crevices of the phone, which she attempted to remove with no luck.

"Look at that shit," she sighed. "I mean, I guess it's all true, but I don't know, man. I don't care about my reputation back home, but having my personal life on the internet is fucking weird." She put her head in her hands and stared at the table blankly. "Harold's getting on my nerves."

The food was brought to the table soon after, and they both quickly consumed their meals, Jane noting they had about five minutes to spare. Her mind raced as she thought of all the things she could do it five minutes, but then she remembered her decision made when she had gotten into the van.

"Tone it down."

Jane's libido had been a non-issue in recent years, probably because the only type of intimacy she had partaken in was one night stands or situations like with Lena. Or at least, Jane's side of her situation with Lena.

"Shit, I gotta send Lena a check for rent," she mumbled aloud mindlessly.

Poor Lena. Jane's intentions weren't to leave things the way she did with her, but then again, she also didn't agree to anything more than something physical between them, probably because she avoided talking to her about it like the plague. Still, Lena was still her friend. Maybe she should call her soon to check in on her and on the apartment, or at the very least, make sure that all of her belongings didn’t get engulfed in flames or thrown out on the front lawn on the building.

"Let's go, yeah?" Jane suggested after checking the time.

Upon exiting, she looked around her to check for cops or do-gooders and then lit a joint that had been behind her ear, concealed by the messy strands of blonde, and after taking a few puffs, she passed it to Rob. "I gotta," she started as she exhaled slowly and coughing, "I gotta find someone soon. I'm running dangerously low," she admitted, referring to her weed supply. They had ran through way more than she anticipated in the first two weeks, but she assumed she could at least find a fan that would have a connection for her.

Before they hit the line of sight of the rest of the band and crew, Jane stopped and looked to Rob before plucking the joint back out of his hands and taking another hit. “Hey,” she murmured as she met his stare. “Thanks for, uh, never judging me like these assholes.” She waved her phone in her hand, referring to whoever had written the story on her. “I’ve always really appreciated it.”

As they all got into the van and took off once again, Jane was now sitting with her back against the wall with her legs draped over Rob’s lap as she mindlessly scrolled through her phone to choose a song to start her turn as DJ. She settled on Sitting Up On Our Crane by Pond, which made Austin perk up but Sam groan in annoyance.

“Lighten up, Sam,” she said as she ruffled the head of hair in the seat ahead of her before Austin joined her to sing the first line of lyrics.

”Sitting up on our crane,
It always feels the same when we’re up high,
‘cause I feel like I’ll fall and die.”

Jane had closed her eyes and thrust her hands up in the air as she sang the song with a mocking passion as Austin made his own gestures, making Sam begin to laugh at the show being put on. Their performance grew more ridiculous as the song built up to the chorus.

”And you know,”

They were yelling the words at this point.

”It's gonna get you feeling like you're gonna die.”

The song made memories – more like visions – of times she had tripped flash vividly in her mind. The sensation of floating above the ground as she walked, the way the sand on the beach looked like the waves themselves, the way the walls breathed in and out with her. It was all so magical to Jane, the way that drugs both natural and synthetic could make a person feel so much at once and, simultaneously, nothing at all. It was a high she always craved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a few more hours of driving, they had finally arrived in Cleveland with only twenty minutes to spare before they were due to play. As soon as Austin and Sam got out of the van, Jane tipped over the seat into the trunk to grab a shirt to change into. She popped back over and quickly removed the top she had on to replace it with a form fitting white tee shirt.

The realization hit Jane of what she just did. After the morning they had spent together, she didn’t feel the need to shield herself from Rob anymore, and although the act was completely innocent, it felt right, like they had just broken through the next level of their friendship as opposed to starting something new together. It made her smile.

Jane moved over to Rob as they sat alone in the van and swung a leg over to face him as she sat on his lap, her eyes lingering on his eyes but ultimately resting on his lips.

”What happened to not being so forward?”

Jane ignored her inner-voice and leaned in slowly to kiss him. “I’m gonna go see how much I can drink in fifteen minutes. See you on stage, yeah?” Another kiss, and she crawled out of the van.

Two bands had already performed, and the third band was finishing up. In Bloom’s set was to be followed up by Vicarious, the band that had played before them at the fest earlier that day.

Jane rushed the bar to find Austin enjoying a quick drink. “Hey, man,” she grunted as she sat down next to him. “Two whiskeys please. Neat.” The bartender worked to pour her drinks as she turned her attention back to Austin. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a few days. What’s new?”
Austin laughed. “You’ve been busy.”
Jane punched his arm.
“I mean, same old shit. Harold’s been harassing Sam to write some new music. We’ve been trying to work on shit.”
Jane scratched her forehead. “Were you guys gonna involve me?”
Austin scoffed. “Of course, J. You and Rob. We just wanted to let you guys get through whatever it is first before we put anything else on your plate.” His eyes narrowed as he glared at her. “You gonna fill me in?”
Jane couldn’t help but smirk. “We’ve, uh, been hanging out.”
“You mean fucking?” Austin laughed.
She rolled her eyes. For some reason, using such plain or vulgar words to describe what was happening didn’t feel accurate. “Sure. But, I mean, we haven’t really talked about what was going to happen. Things seem good, though.”
“Yeah,” Austin shook his head. “For now, though.”

Before Jane could ask him what he meant, a stagehand found them and told it was time to sound check. “We’re gonna finish this later,” she pointed to him as she followed the man to the stage, and Austin smiled as he waved goodbye to her.

The show began, and the crowd seemed to be very receptive to their sound. Jane was in a good mood, and it showed in her performance: she was moving around the stage and talking with crowd. The article and what Austin had said was still sitting in the back of her mind, and she decided to work it out right there and then.

“Alright, alright,” she spoke into the microphone as a song ended, breathing heavily. “So, show of hands, who read that article on me?”
About 75% of the crowd raised their hands, and Jane laughed.
“Okay, good. I wanna talk about that for a second. I am fucking sick of people, especially men, thinking that they could say whatever they want about me, telling me what I should and shouldn’t do with my time. My body.”
The crowd began to cheer her on.
“I can do whatever the fuck I want. All of you ladies in the crowd, I see you.” She pointed to a group of girls near the corner of the stage. “You can do whatever the fuck you want. You’re not a slut. You’re not ‘crazy.’ You’re not gross or dirty or wrong.” She ran her fingers through her hair to remove the strands from her face. “If men can do it, we can do it, too. And better.”

The crowd went wild, and the band began to play once again. Jane felt almost immediately relief after unleashing her opinions to the group of patrons below her. She turned around to see Rob play for a moment before it was her turn to come in.

And as the music ended, Jane bid her usual farewell. “Thank you, everyone. You guys were awesome. We’re In Bloom.”

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s eyes quickly scanned the page Jane had placed in front of him. It seemed like the usual piece—at first. But as he scrolled down, he saw more and more damning information; things he didn’t want others to know about, and certainly things Jane wouldn’t want out there. As she mentioned Harold, he quickly had pieced it all together in his head.

He felt a quick moment of protective anger. He wanted to pick up his phone, right this minute, and call Harold out of his scummy press shit. It wasn’t fair to Jane, certainly not without her permission and not without at least running it by the band so they knew it was coming. He thought about his earlier conversation with Trent, knowing now exactly what bad press he had been referring to.

“Such a prick,” he muttered to himself, sliding the phone back to Jane. He wanted to say he was sorry the information had gotten out, but he didn’t want to give the impression he didn’t approve of her actions. Jane was adamant about her own rights to her own sexuality—which was absolutely right, no question about it. But now…with them seemingly quasi-exclusive with each other? It was tough for him to admit, but he certainly didn’t like hearing about Jane’s past exploits. It put him in an odd position between respecting Jane and his own selfish, protective desires.

He smoked a joint with her, before watching her slip it out of his fingers for another hit.

”Thanks for, uh, never judging me like these assholes,” She said, making Rob feel far worst for his previous line of thought.

He tried to clear it out of his head as he got into the car, assuming his previous position, sliding a hand across Jane’s legs and closing his eyes, letting the Pond song swirl around him. It was like an audible drug. Something to embrace, to let take away from you, to give you something in return.

He thought about the night some time ago where he had dropped acid. It felt like so long ago. Like something that hadn’t have really happened. The last event that seemed like a time before his thing with Jane started. Or rather, when he truly thought about it, may have been the moment where it had started.

The entire night had given him such a bad experience, besides self-destructing with Mia to save his own conscious, he had taken an effort to avoid the harder drugs. He had never done it out of some sort of moral code or self-righteous fear of addictions. It may have just been, the older he grew, the less he desired to escape the world. It was a world that Jane and Rob had once shared but since separated in. He shuttered at the thought of being asked questions about that article. About his own opinions on what was contained in it. Something told him that his actual response would be interpreted as anger or tension.

…

They arrived much later at the venue than expected, with Sam and Austin hopping out of the van as soon as it had parked. Next to him, Jane reached over to grab a shirt, sliding the current one off.

His eyes quickly diverted to something else in the car, before immediately turning back, realizing the futility of looking away. He couldn’t help but watch her bare skin; her slender torso working itself into another shirt. He caught a glimpse of the tattoo he had seen this morning before it too was covered in the white fabric.

She seemed to notice, sitting on him and kissing him. He slid his own hands just above her hip bones, caressing each side. The guilt in his own thoughts seemed endless, but the guilt of physicality with Jane was all but fading now. He almost dove in for more as soon as her lips left his.

“See you on stage, he said, before another kiss, and she was gone.

Straightening himself out and getting out of the van, Rob walked over to the back of the trailer to get some spare sticks, where he found Sam tearing open a package of strings.

“Figured I could use a restring before the set,” he said as he heard Rob approach. “I don’t get good luck kisses before a set.”

“Were you listening?”

“I mean,” Sam said, turning around, “I really don’t give a shit, but you didn’t exactly wait very long.”

Rob lowered his head, scratching at his neck. “We’ll work on that.”

Sam laughed, taking a knee and stringing his guitar. “I’m giving you shit, man. Don’t worry so much.”

Rob smiled. Now was good enough time as any. “Hey, I heard from Harold about some riffs you had—“

“After the show,” Sam cut off. “I’ll show you something good. Something you’d like more than him.”

Rob smiled, and slipped out of the trailer. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad, after all. The thought made him feel better, especially throughout the setlist. For once, he played a show on good terms with everyone in the band, or so he felt. For that, he played one of the most energetic shows he had since the beginning of the tour, locking eyes with each member of the band at some point, throwing more sticks into the audience, and generally having a great time.

Jane’s closing speech reminded him of his own thoughts earlier that day, so he figured he’d make up for it. Walking off stage, he found Trent, just getting ready to get on.

“Hey, dude!” He casually approached. The two talked about the set Rob had just played for a moment, before he dropped it on him. “I was hoping, actually, you could help me out with something. It’s hard to find a reliable connection on the road so—“

“Wait wait wait,” Trent said, repeating the word in quick succession. “I meet you today, and you’re already bumming pot off me? …it is pot, right?”

Rob felt caught, and sheepishly nodded.

“You are one forward motherfucker,” Trent joked.

“Trust me,” Rob said, smiling, “I’m not.”

Trent looked to his bandmates and asked how long he had before the set. “Ten minutes,” the guitarist said, his long hair curling down to his chest. Nodding, Trent took Rob off to their own ride—a decent enough sleeper bus, with absolutely reeked of the stuff.

“We’re just stating on our national circuit,” Trent said, reaching under a bunk and pulling out a black instrument box. “But we definitely brought more than we should have. I’d offer you more, but at the rate you guys are going, I’m surprised your manager hasn’t set you up on an international tour.”

Rob passed Trent enough money in exchange for what seemed to be another few week’s worth of pot, based on how quickly Jane went though the stuff. Trent was even nice enough to slip in a duffel bag. “Get it back to me when you can,” he said, “but don’t sweat it.”

Rob’s eyes flashed around on the different parts of this bus; the personalized bunks. The food laying out on the table. The hookah sticking out from a back corner. Jesus, he wanted a bus.

“Two weeks ago,” Rob said, “and we barely could get our friends to show up at a show. Now? apparently we’re looking at getting one of these.”

“They’re not as cool as you’d think,” Trent said, leading them out. “And if you think you’re going to feel like you earned it…you won’t. You never do.”

Rob nodded, thankful to meet at least one guy on this tour that seemed honest enough. They exchanged numbers, before Trent made his way back to the stage just in time to start their own set. That band seemed designed for fame. Great sound, fun energy. Female bassist.

And yet in a few week’s time, they seemed to be more popular. Trent was right. He didn’t feel like he earned it.

On the way to the van, he found Sam.

“You were going to show me those riffs?” he asked. Sam shook his head.

“It’s a bit late, don’t you think?” He loaded up the last of his stuff in the trailer. “Tomorrow.”

Nodding, Rob slipped into the car, taking the duffle bag with him. He turned to Jane as soon as she got into the van.

“Remember that shortage you talked about earlier?” He said was a smirk. He had left the duffle bag slightly open once he had gotten into the van. “I found a connection. Trent from Vicarious. Got his number and everything.”

He tried to clear his head from his expectations to hear Sam’s riffs out. Now, in the darkened van, he slipped a hand onto Jane’s inner thigh, squeezing gently. He could barely wait for the hotel.