[IC] In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

[megatrash]

Jane had been sitting on the floor against the wall with a notebook and her bottle of whiskey for a while now, trying to come up with something decent. She knew the pressure would be on after the tour to write music, and being creative was never usually a challenge, but she was displeased with all that she wrote. The sound of something gliding across the carpet extracted her from her deep focus and startled her slightly. A note. And a key card.

After rising slowly, she picked up the note and fought a smile as she read it, holding the key in her hand. Rob could obviously sense her hesitation, but he was trying like just she had always desired. She ran over to the small table near the window, rolled a joint quickly as if it took no thought, and left her room to find his.

She paused in front of the gold-painted door and squeezed her eyes shut. What was waiting behind it was a mystery. Jane didn’t know what would happen or where their conversations would lead, but she couldn’t run from it forever. That she knew. The dream of never having to work through what happened between them wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t right either.

A deep breath later, the key card was entered. Beep, click, green blinking light. She slowly opened the door to see Rob asleep on of the two beds in the room, in a position as if drifting off wasn’t his plan. Jane smiled and quietly crept towards the bed and sat at the edge, not disturbing him, and as she watched him momentarily, she mustered up all the courage she could and moved towards him, wiggling her body up next to his.

“Hey,” she whispered. “Hey, Rob. Wake up.” A hand patted his chest until he began to stir. Instead of getting up, she laid on him for a moment, hand still on his chest, as if to soak up whatever she could before they had to speak. He seemed to approve for now, and Jane was allowed to lay there for a few minutes in silence. It calmed her. It made her question what she was so afraid to talk about. Rob was her best friend. She could always talk to him.

Jane sat up, turned her body, and sat crisscross to look at him, but her eyes, for now, remained on the nail her fingers were picking at. “Rob…” she started, deciding how to choose her words, “I, uh, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging the other night. I,” she paused for a moment and moved her eyes up to his, “I really appreciate you being honest with me. I know I pushed you to a point to where you didn’t really have a choice, but,” she laughed and looked away again. Her voice was quiet and hoarse, as if a gentle tone would somehow make it easier on the both of them. “You’re so funny, smart, talented, attractive, caring… You deserve someone who’s gonna take care of you. Someone who wants to settle down one day. Have kids. Do adult shit.” A frown made it's way across her mouth. “You know that’s not me. It never was. Probably never will be. And that's why I can’t wrap my brain around why you feel about me the way you do.”

She ran her fingers through her hair before meeting Rob’s gaze and sighed, tilting her head slightly to the side. It was hard to read how he was feeling. “I love you so much, Rob. I do. You’ve been my best friend for years. You’ve always been there for me. I never want that to change. I… I’m just worried that if we, you know, explore things,” her voice trailed off as her eyes lingered on his lips for a moment.

“Stop it, Jane,” she mentally disciplined herself, diverting her eyes back up to his once again. The dark orbs did not show a hint of anger or disapproval as far as she could tell.

“I don’t wanna break your heart. I don’t wanna hurt you. I would never want you to hate me. That would kill me. Its just – I hear that’s what I do, you know?” Jane chewed on her lip, a sign of being distraught. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say this. It was just a lot. I don’t know if these are new feelings for you or I’ve just been oblivious,” she admitted with a chuckle as she reached for the joint tucked behind her ear and lit it, releasing a large cloud into the air above them, and ultimately passing it to him.

Jane had to let him talk, too. She developed a habit of running away after saying how she felt. Never letting anyone hurt her with their words. But, she knew she couldn’t do that anymore. Not with Rob. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He wouldn't.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s eyes opened to a blurred and bright room. A figure sat next to him, nearly translucent from the lack of focus his eyes were giving him. Soon, everything cleared up, but the roaring in his head was not going to stop anytime soon.

He saw Jane as she tipped her body; her weight and warmth striking his chest. It was a feeling that he wasn’t sure how to describe; it was like the feeling of closure without any sense of the word. A glimpse of goodness wrapped in purgatory. So…oxymoronic. He closed his eyes and tried to sort out the most recent of mental floods, but he had been doing this all too often now. His feelings used to be a second-thought. A neglected part of his psyche that remained as such and he had hoped would always do so. He desired stability and reason, and once someone had come into his life, Rob had always thought it would come slowly and deliberately. Not like this. Not like a flood.

Jane sat up on his bed; her legs folded up in front of her, her eyes upon her hands. At this angle, her blonde hair hung down past her face, and grazed upon his shirt. The strands obscured his vision of her, and for a moment, he almost felt a tingle of anger. His commentary ran against her words. The words she wanted to hear struck flat across him and faded like a whisper. Words like funny. Smart. Attractive. Each in it’s own way felt like a red flag, signaling the deluge beyond them.

The words she croaked out like a sinful confession are the ones that had struck him the hardest.

”You know that’s not me."

As she continued on, the rest of her dialogue faded into background noise. He heard them, and processed them, but he couldn’t seem to focus past the admission of rejection. Whereas Jane worked in the real world, Rob’s mind worked in binary. True. False. Agree. Disagree. Yes.

No.

It was a truth he knew was coming but also knew he hadn’t been prepared for. Certainly not now. Jane’s forward attitude, her coming to his side so soon…they were all actions taken to Rob’s benefit, not hers. This moment. Her silence. Her willingness to listen. These were things she had done for him. Her actions outweighed her words, and her honestly all compelled Rob to feel some sympathy for his best friend.

He wished he could change what had happened between them. He wished it was something possible for him. Most of all, he cursed himself for having caused the issue in the first place, and he cursed himself for feeling so shitty in this moment.

“Thanks,” he said, taking a puff of the joint. He left the word sit in the open air, to be interpreted as she liked.

He took in a deep, loud, breath. “What have I gotten us into,” he said with a laugh. He tried so desperately to lighten the mood, but maybe that was the wrong path to take. How hypocritical is was of him to want an out now, after all the misery he had caused himself and Jane for desiring her to do something against her nature. But, it was time for her to hear the truth as well.

“You can’t protect me, Jane,” he said. Her full name felt wrong to his mouth but right in his own mind. He was glad that it was said. “Not from my feelings or from you. Not any more than I could protect myself. I’m not—nor would I ever—ask that of you.”

As Jane acted against her own nature, Rob acted against his. He took her hand, and held it. The soft skin felt so different from his calloused hands. Softer and slender. It was an action he could not remember doing before, but he pressed on.

“I don’t know how long I’ve felt this way. But it wasn’t something I ever wanted to admit because I didn’t want to mess things up either. But I did, and I guess that’s just something I’ll have to live with.”

He looked her in the eyes. “I don’t know what I want. I thought I wanted one thing but…I can’t control this way I’m feeling. I’ve never trusted anything I felt until now. And for some reason, it just feels right.”

After a moment, he laughed at himself, but he wasn’t sure what for. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He looked to Jane and smiled.

Not everything was right, but certainly, things were beginning to improve.

[megatrash]

Jane’s face reflected her understanding and attentiveness to what Rob was explaining, and for the most part, she agreed with him. Although he was playing it off, Jane knew him too well – her words hurt him. The one thing she was trying to avoid in the first place by telling him how she felt.

”That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

She looked at him and forced a smile. He was right. They were talking like adults, being open and vulnerable, not screaming at each other or avoiding one another. It was, however, extremely out of character for him to be so optimistic. Perhaps he was sparing her from feeling sorry for him. But, in reality, that was not how Jane perceived things at all.

Instead of continuing the conversation, she squeezed the hand that held hers as if to say she acknowledged all that he had told her, and in a slow, fluid motion, she laid back down next to him. Was it wrong to do this to him – to lay so close to the man who just professed his unrequited feelings for her? Yes. Jane wasn’t dense. But, she was selfish in the sense that she would always absorb the comfort she craved, even at an inopportune time. And at that time, the one she found solace in was Rob.

And as she laid on top of him once again, his warm body underneath her small one, another feeling rose up inside of her. That maybe his affection wasn’t unrequited. But Jane’s pride matched her selfishness, and she decided that she couldn’t backpedal now, so instead, she rose quietly and kissed his cheek before returning to her spot and closing her eyes.

The last emotion before she drifted off was the overwhelming sensation that she had possibly just made a huge mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to turning in earlier, Jane’s eyes began to flutter before the sun started rising, and after a few attempts to force herself back to sleep, she accepted that she was awake for the day. She tilted her head up slowly to see Rob still deep in sleep, and a sigh escaped her. The ball in her chest that had formed last night was still there, a deep, heavy weight that made it hard to breathe.

She rose slowly as not to wake him, and as she stood and stretched, her eyes lingered on him, hoping whatever damage her words caused him wasn’t permanent.

After exiting the room quietly, Jane made her way back to hers to shower, change, and grab her longboard. Going out and riding around at 6:00am seemed to be the only resolution in her mind for clearing the thoughts she was having, since it was too early to drink or find anyone for mindless fun. But that sparked another question in Jane’s mind – what does this mean for the rest of the tour? Would it be wrong of her to sleep with someone else? Was he going to sleep with someone else? She basically shot down the notion of them trying to be together, but the thought of seeing him with someone else again was a depressing thought within itself. ”Damn it.”

Jane’s scarred, thin legs pushed her down an empty downtown area as her board hummed on the asphault, and Reflection by Balance and Composure played loudly through her ear buds, a cloud of smoking pouring out of her mouth as she sang along to the lyrics.

If Jane had already agreed to be honest with Rob, would that mean she’d have to come clean to him again? Were these feelings even real, or were they just a product of the conversation they had last night? Nothing seemed clearer to her. If anything, she made things more confusing for herself. She did, however, find a small sense of satisfaction with herself for fighting her urges to do something regrettable with him last night. Her physical attraction to him had been growing day by day, and she nearly had a moment of weakness as she laid with him in his bed.

The sun was beginning to peak over the eastern skyline, and Jane decided it was time for her to return. Her stomach was growling, and she desperately needed coffee. The day ahead was not planned out; their next three shows were in New York City, an eight-hour drive from Raleigh, and could all be done tomorrow. She was almost nervous that they weren’t going to be preoccupied as it’d either leave her with a lot of time with her thoughts or with Rob.

When she arrived back at the hotel, Jane saw that the breakfast had just been put out, and after making a plate and a cup of coffee, she plopped down in a chair at an unoccupied table and picked at the eggs in front of her as her head rested on one of her fists. Maybe the situation would work itself out on its own.

[HangYourSecrets]

The first thing that next morning, Rob had taken a taxi over to a local music shop. After talking with the owner for a bit, he allowed Rob into the back room for practice a few songs in peace. After what had happened, he needed to clear his head. So…he cued up a song he typically only played to release anger: Thrice - The Earth Will Shake.

It started out so soft…

We dream of ways to break these iron bars. We dream of black nights without moon or stars.

Rob thought of the night before. The calm he had shared with Jane as she had awoken him. The feeling of her skin against his; her weight atop his. The trust, the silence…all of it. He allowed himself to feel every emotion as the song built underneath him, feeling the emotion surrounding it. Next, came the call-and-answer section:

Heartbroken we found a gleam of hope. Harken to the sound, a whistle blows. Heaven sent reply however small. Evidence of life beyond these walls

As the sound grew louder, Rob began to think of his darker thoughts. His frustration at her reluctance. Her closed-off approach to how she had handled her own feelings. The way she had felt somehow justified in rejection of himself, only to lie with him in the night like his own feelings hadn’t mattered. He had told her she couldn’t protect him from how he felt. And the full force of those emotions, the frustration…all of it was beginning to take over.

Suddenly, the song dropped to silence. The mantra repeated itself over and over:

We dream of ways to break these iron bars. We dream of black nights without moon or stars.

Calmly, Rob began to roll on his snare. First, holding onto strict control of the sticks. Then, as the end of the song drew near, harder and harder, until the head seemed to strain under the weight of his force. The call-and-answer returned. Louder. Fiercer. Madder. The symbols shook under the weight of his force. The equipment rattled at each crash—each strike. Finally, the songs devolved into it’s ending:

Look to the day the earth will shake. These weathered walls will fade away.

And as the final crash rang out, Rob dropped the sticks with a sigh upon the floor.

---

Rob wasn’t sure if he had a right to be mad at Jane about what had happened.

He had told her not to worry of his own feelings, but with each passing moment he regretted what he had said. He had opened himself up to her. Given out ammunition. A weapon to be used against him at-will, however consciously or unconsciously. Rob knew Jane would not willingly hurt him, but he knew she would willingly help herself.

Laying with him…holding him…kissing him. It was all for her. Rob knew that. But it was a cruel thing to have done to him and everything within him wanted to tell her to leave that night. But he couldn’t. Even if he could…he probably wouldn’t, either. There was a thing in him—however self-destructive— that wanted Jane, and it wanted her to be happy as well. It wouldn’t allow him to be mad at her for what she had done. But it certainly allowed him to feel betrayed.

Walking back into the hotel lobby, Rob saw Jane in the breakfast area, playing with her food as she sat by herself. He stopped for a moment, while she still didn’t see him. Still, even now, he knew he wanted her. But another voice shattered his thoughts:

“Hey!” Austin said loudly, approaching Rob from behind. He turned quickly to face his friend, however frustrated he was at the inconvenience of his timing. “You’re sweaty,” he said blankly.

Rob looked down to his own soiled shirt. “I had to get some energy out.” He frowned as he said it, and Austin seemed to instantly figure things out.

Before he could respond, Rob turned from Austin. “I’ll catch you later,” he said, and walked down the nearest hallway, keeping his back against the lobby and breakfast area. He heard a faint “great” from the distant Austin in his typical dry tone as he entered the elevator.

Arriving at his room, Rob showed off the sweat from earlier, slipped back into his old hoodie, and turned on his television to find a film. As he searched, he dialed room-service.

“Yeah, could I get a pizza up to my room?” He said into the receiver. “Yeah…sausage would be fine—oh, and pepperoni too. Plus a 2-liter of soda. …any kind. Surprise me.”

Rob hung the phone back up. He didn’t care about what the others might have wanted from him, or how they felt about what he was doing. But he needed some time away, and he needed some time alone. If he had to lock himself in his room and down his sorrows in pizza, there were worse ways to do it.

His eyes darted from the mini-fridge, then back to the opening credits of the movie he was starting: Gone Girl. A part of him wanted to get a beer from the fridge, but the rest knew it was a bad idea. Besides, this was the perfect movie for the moment:


Everything’s fucked up in it.

[megatrash]

Jane felt a presence join her at the table which made her head snap up, and her voice squeaked as she spoke the first word of the day.

“Hey.” Jane forced a smile.
Austin pulled up a chair directly in front of her and plopped down, his facial expression stern and disappointed. “What happened last night?”
“What do you mean?” Jane asked with a quizzical tone. “Everything’s fine.”
Austin shook his head. “He doesn’t seem fine, Jane. I just saw him.”
“I mean, I told him how I felt last night. What I told you. And he was okay with it. I didn’t know – “
“J, you’re not the best at reading people. That, or you don’t care to. But, did you seriously think that you could reject him, and then he’d be fine and dandy? Look, I get you want your best friend back. We do, too. You can’t always get what you want, though. And I know you usually do. No one can say 'no' to you. That’s probably why you thought he was fine.”
Sam joined the table, catching the end of Austin’s explanation. “Yeah,” he joined in. “I just saw him. He looks upset. Locked himself in his hotel room.”
“Fuck,” Jane groaned as she rested her head in her hands, the blonde messy strands of her hair scattering in each direction. “I didn’t spend all the money I had and work this hard to go on a tour where I’d have to deal with all of this bullshit. I just wanna have fun. I wanna enjoy all the attention we’re getting. I wanna – “
“J,” Austin interrupted. “I get it, man. But that means you gotta make a choice.”
She looked up to him, knowing what he was going to say.
“You’re gonna have to choose between doing your thing and losing Rob, or compromising and keeping him in your life.”
Sam nodded in agreement with nothing to add.
Jane sighed. “Fuck this.” She stood up and pushed in her chair, looking down at both of the guys. “I’m not doing this today. I’ll be back later.”
Sam spoke up. “J, why are you lying to yourself? We know you– “
“No,” Jane blurted. “You don’t know anything. Neither of you.” She sharply replied and left the hotel’s breakfast area.

She sloppily packed a bag with a change of clothes, her tooth brush, and whatever items she thought she might need for the full day and sat on her bed for a minute. Jane couldn’t process what everyone wanted from her. Why everyone wanted her to change who she was. The band had no qualms with her antics for the past couple years, but now they wanted her to stop while they were supposed to be having the time of their lives? No. Jane wasn’t going to have that. She wasn’t going to let Rob make her feel bad for who she was. Or Austin and Sam. It wasn’t right of them to pick and choose what parts of her they wanted to accept and wanted her to like. No matter what her true feelings were, Jane wasn’t going to let the three of them keep her from doing what she wanted.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours later, well into the afternoon, Jane was at her fourth bar of the day. It was dimly lit and attracted a sketchy crowd, but she was having a blast. A group she met two bars ago had joined her on her pub crawl, and they were now all shooting shots of Jameson. She was hammered, but the blow they were providing for her kept her lucid for now.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket and her eyes rolled as she read Austin’s name strobing on her screen. Lost by Highly Suspect was playing over the jukebox, and Jane put a finger in her ear so that she could hear him.

“What?” she answered, obviously unamused already by the conversation about to take place.
“J, where the fuck are you? You’ve been gone for hours. We gotta leave early tomorrow,” Austin replied unforgivingly.
“Fuck off, I’ll be back in time,” Jane groaned. Zack, one of the guys she had been flirting with, had walked up behind her and wrapped his hands around her waist and kissed her neck, making her giggle. “Can I go now?”
“Whatever, dude. Bye.” Austin was frustrated, hanging up abruptly.

Jane sighed in relief and turned around to the man behind her. “Give me another line,” she smirked, and Zack took her hand and led her into a bathroom stall of the run-down bar, and once the drugs made their way inside her, she sighed in relief and looked at him as he did his share. Once they both were satisfied, they laughed, and Zack grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her roughly, pushing her up against the stall wall. Jane obliged for a minute or so, but that ball in her chest that she thought had been washed down with all the alcohol she drank and the overwhelming feeling of guilt crashed over her, taking over all of her senses.

She pushed him away. “I-I’m sorry I can’t.” She wiped her mouth with her forearm and looked up to him, and an angry look took over his previously devious expression.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he nearly yelled, going back to kiss her again, resulting in her using more force to get him off of her.
“I’m serious. I’m sorry, I – “
“ – I feed you blow and drinks all day, and you can’t give me anything in return?” He scoffed. “Fuck you.” He stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the stall door behind him, which made Jane jump. As soon as she heard the heavy door swing shut and the music get muffled out, she sank down to the toilet and began sobbing.

All the parts of what had happened over the past few days had begun to come together like puzzle pieces in Jane’s mind. If Rob truly felt about her the way he had expressed, then maybe he didn’t want her to change. Maybe he was ready to except her the way that she was – wild. It wasn’t like he condemned her in any way when he spoke to her. And there she was, coked out in a men’s restroom stall drunk and crying while she hurt the man who confessed all of his feelings for her. The man that part of her knew would never expect her to want to walk down Main Street hand in hand to pick out furniture, or settle down to raise kids or work in an office.

And perhaps that was why he loved her.

“I’m a piece of shit,” she muttered as she hoisted herself up and out of the stall. Jane found a side door that she exited and was immediately blinded by the brightness of the sun setting, and she shielded her eyes as she called a cab to take her back to the hotel. It was only 6:00pm. Jesus, it was only 6:00pm.

After arriving back to her room, Jane tossed her bag haphazardly and plopped down on the plush bed face first, not bothering to get undressed or make her way under the comforter. Her vision was spinning, and she saw that she had left her door wide open. ”Get up, idiot. Close your door.” But all Jane could work up the energy to do was groan as she stared longingly at it, wishing she would see Rob standing there. She was beginning to come down, which she began to feel the effects of. Depression, self-loathing, guilt, the headache. Tears began to flood her eyes again as she gripped her hair and pushed her face into the bed, but she eventually fell into a deep sleep, hoping that she’d have more answers for how to handle the situation when she woke up tomorrow.

[HangYourSecrets]

Sometime past the third or fourth movie (Rob couldn’t remember which), there was a knock at the door. Moving to open it, Rob brushed the remainder of the crumbs off of his hoodie and half-waddled at the door under the weight of the food within him.

“Dude,” Austin said as he barged right in. Rob could only roll his eyes as he closed the door behind him. Austin sat on the bed and took in a deep breath. “Smells like pizza and B.O. in here.”

Rob scratched at his head as he moved to the wall to his left, leaning against it as he faced Austin. “What’s up?” he shot out scathingly. “Am I due another lecture about how I’m not handling myself correctly?”

“God, you’re both assholes,” Austin said, prompting Rob to think: what did Jane do today? Before an answer came, Austin continued. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t really fucked up.” Austin’s eyes locked to the mini-fridge ahead of him.

“I can handle myself now,” Rob said. “I’m not drunk. I’m not going to get drunk…look, can we just not do this?” He tried to put a smile on. “Let’s do something. Anything. Go somewhere. Do something.”

But Austin stood and made for the door. “I’ve got my own shit to deal with, but thanks. It’s enough handling you two.”

Austin slid out as quickly as he came in. He didn’t seem mad, but he certainly seemed frustrated, and Rob couldn’t blame him for that. Not anymore. In the midst of what Jane and Rob were doing, Sam and Austin got pushed aside. They were left to try to deal with half of their band seemingly falling out. And while it hurt Rob to see his friend so tired of dealing with him, he understood that he couldn’t drag him around to make himself feel any better.

And thinking about that just made Rob more angry for what Jane had done that day. It wasn’t going to be any good for him to think anymore. Grabbing his room key, he slipped out the door, made his way to the elevators.

As the doors closed, Rob looked to the buttons without pressing any. The elevator sat still, waiting to be told what to do. His eyes made it’s way back between two buttons; the lobby floor, and Jane’s floor.

He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and pressed a button. As the elevator slowed to a stop and opened, he walked over to Jane’s room.

Here, the door was open. A bag had been thrown across the room and sat limply upon the floor. Jane lay on the bed; her face buried within the thick comforter sheets. Based on sight and smell alone, it seemed like she had herself quite a day, yet it was only eight that evening. 

Rob wanted to feel angry at her. For going off and suppressing her thoughts and feelings with drugs and cheap liquor. In strange men and cigarettes. But it was something he had done today as well. And while he might not have done it in the same way, it didn’t matter. Both of them never wanted to deal with how they felt. And looking at Jane now like this; as vulnerable as she was, he couldn’t feel any anger within him.

Rob made his way into the room, closing the door behind him. He picked up her bag and set it upon the counter. He made his way over to Jane, and nudged her gently. She was still fast asleep in the same sort of alcohol-induced coma he had seen her in a few times before.

He picked her up gently; turning her around and holding her back in his left arm and her legs in the right. He slipped off his shoe and kicked the comforter off the bed, before setting her down on the clean sheets. He pulled the comforter over her and took a step back. Rob could see why Jane had constantly held him; slept with him. There was a sort of peace to be found in sleep. There were no words, no anger…just calm. And while he felt hurt and torn by her, he also knew that in this moment she could do no ill to him. Rob slipped out the door, closing it gently, before making his way up to his floor.

As he came out through the elevator, his phone rang: Harold.

“How’s everything going?” he asked over the line calmly.

“I don’t know at this point,” Rob answered. “We play our shows well. Off-stage we’re still trying to figure ourselves out, I guess.”

“Any new material?” he asked. He had known the band long enough to know material seemed to spur from moments like these. Bad nights and worse mornings.

“I play the drums,” Rob deflected. “I don’t write material.”

“Bullshit. I know you bought the guitar.”

Fuck. He knew.

“Look, it’s just a hobby,” Rob said faux-happily. “I’m just picking it up to get a feel for it. Besides, I need some time off if you want more shit like the single. And I’m sure you do.”

“You can’t blame me for wanting the band to be more marketable,” Harold said. “I’m no music expert, but I know that your more straightforward music sells better. I’m just suggesting you stick to that.”

“Sure Harold, whatever you’d like!” Rob mocked as he hung up the phone. He had no patience to deal with the band wanting to slowly drain the life of of their music. There wasn’t any fun in 4/4 time and standard beats, or in carefully manufactured fun. They played rock music. That used to mean something.

He slid the phone back into his pocket as he opened his room door again. Inside, it really did smell like shit, but there was no point in cleaning it now. Rob had other things in mind.

Pulling out a few joints he had made earlier on the trip, Rob slowly covered the room in a haze. He slid the guitar out from under his bed and played a few of the chords he had settled on, before writing down a few lyrics he had been throwing around:

The broken souls in torn-down homes
A nascent hope in aging tomes
A burning fear of what becomes of you.

Rob thought for a moment, then:

With fear of what’s beyond their wither
“There must be life beyond a hearse”
They’ll never stop to consider:
eternity is so much worse.

In frustration, Rob crumpled up words he’d written and tossed them into the trashcan. How could he be so foolish as to think he could write songs without being heavy-handed and blunt? His mind wasn’t built for such things. Even worse was the thought that if Harold had his way, their music from now on would only be what people wanted to hear.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock ’n’ Roll.

Frustrated, Rob set the guitar down and threw a song on his speakers as he cleaned the room: Hole - Royal Blood.

Rob could only laugh himself and at the lyrics as he sang them:

“I’m just stuck in a hole.”

He finished cleaning after himself and slipped into bed soon after, hoping tomorrow would at the least be more successful.

[megatrash]

As soon as Jane eyes began fluttering open, a ringing noise hummed in her ears and a headache throbbed, each pulse more painful than the last. “Shit,” she mumbled as she used all her strength to lift her head and squint at the alarm clock across the room. “7:45 AM” blinked repeatedly, large and red, and a groan escaped her lips as forced herself to rise. How’d she get under the covers?

As soon as her body was vertical, nausea bubbled in her stomach, and she sprinted to the bathroom just in time to reach the toilet and dove onto her knees. Jane did her best to hold all of her unruly locks in her small hands as her stomach retched and retched until it was satisfied with what it emptied. Jane’s arm wiped away the saliva on her lips as she plopped down on the tile, the frigid surface causing goosebumps to scatter across the thighs it touched. They were going to kill her if she was too hungover, so Jane decided to run a hot bath to make an attempt to feel better.

Jane stood up and stripped lazily after her fingers worked at the stiff faucet’s nob, throwing her clothes towards the bathroom door, and she slowly sunk into the steaming tub until everything under her chin was submerged. The thought of never having to get out crossed her mind. ”If only it were that easy.” The hot water was soothing her aches and pains, but mentally, it did nothing to calm the madness ensuing inside her. If she could have it her way, in this moment, she’d march down to Rob’s room, kiss him slowly, and show him how she was feeling instead of talking, but that would be regrettable. Jane had done too much damage to simply fix the situation with physical intimacy. Plus, was she really going to drop such a bomb before a 8 hour car ride? No.

She slowly dressed herself in white denim shorts and a tight, black v-neck shirt. Jane watched herself in the mirror as she worked her knotted hair up into a sloppy knot on the top of her head, laughing at how crazy it looked. Her round-frame sunglasses hid the hazel eyes that became puffy from crying and drinking, and she lugged her bag down to the lobby where she saw Austin.

“Dude, I’m so sorry,” she spoke lowly. “I was so fucked up. You didn’t deserve anything I said to you.”
Austin wanted to be mad, but a smile slowly formed on his lips. “You’re right, I don’t. Now, tell me the truth.”
Jane sighed and mumbled something incoherent.
“What was that, J? I couldn’t hear you,” he laughed as he leaned in closer to her.
“Fuck you. I love him, okay?” Jane sighed putting her hands up to the bridge of her nose in embarrassment. A light pink hue appeared on her cheeks. “Don’t fucking say anything, you promise? Now’s not the right time.”
Austin nodded, completely amused by the situation. “I won’t.”

Jane made herself a cup of coffee at the small stand at the concierge desk as Sam passed by to go get the van from the parking lot. “Be right back, guys. Be ready.”
“Got it!” Jane called out as she headed back over to Austin. “Where is Rob’s head at right now?” Jane whispered as she slid closer to him, hoping for some kind of hint about how Rob would be when she saw him.
“I don’t tell either of you what you tell me. It keeps me honest,” he smiled, which made Jane sigh in frustration.
“Fine.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jane was feeling like shit still, so she occupied the furthest row in the back of the van and slept for a good portion of the trip to New York, waking up usually only to chug water or smoke a cigarette or joint. Her and Rob hadn’t even talked that day yet, which made her feel even worse than the hangover was. But as always, Jane’s pride got in the way, and she maintained her silence until her phone rang.

“Hello?” her gravelly voice greeted the unknown caller.
“Jane, Jane Molloy?” A cheery, male voice asked.
Jane’s brows furrowed. “Uh, yes, who’s this?”
“Hey, Jane. My name is John from WRMS 96.5 radio station here in New York City, how are you?”
She said up in her chair abruptly, as if it would make her sound more professional. “Yes, I’m great, thank you. What can I do for you, John?”
“Well, we know you guys are doing three nights here, and I was hoping before your last show on Ground Control, you could do an interview with me here at the station?”
Jane’s eyes widened. “Yeah, man. I don’t see why not! Can you send me the address and the time you want me to be there?”
“Of course,” the chipper man responded. “Check your email in a few. I got it from Harold.”
“Awesome. Thanks, John. Bye.”

Jane hung up the phone and gripped the back of the seat in front of her. “Yo, a radio station wants us to come in for an interview before Ground Control on Friday,” she announced with enthusiasm. “This is crazy. How much longer ‘til we’re in the city, Austin?”

“Two hours,” he called back. “We’re early, so we're gonna pull over to eat.”
“Sounds good,” Jane replied as she fiddled with her phone. She was so excited to be in New York, to see the sights and meet new people, and most importantly, to get her mind off of Rob, although she had a hunch that he had taken a permanent spot.

[HangYourSecrets]

It was another relatively silent trip. It was something to be expected, after last night, but Rob still loathed the silence nonetheless. Jane had crawled over into the back seat, and Austin held the wheel softly as he drove in silence. Rob was slouched far down into his seat, his feet propped up against the glass, and his eyes closed underneath his dark sunglasses. Sleeping would’ve made the trip’s eight hour duration so much shorter, if he could just pull off passing out. By the third hour he had sat up, stretching his sore muscles and given up on trying. There wasn’t much more point.

Taking the AUX cable, Rob hooked up his phone and opened his Spotify. “I need to wake up,” he mumbled to Austin. Finding the song he wanted, he cranked the volume and played The Physical World - Death From Above 1979.

The song opened with an assortment of noise; a symphony of beeps and bloops. Austin's head turned to Rob as he muttered something to himself.

“Wait for it..” Rob said. Suddenly, the electronics dropped out, and the song truly began. As the main line ended for the first pulsing verse and its conjoining, repetitive riff, the car felt alive again. Austin nodded his head to the beat as Rob let out a smile. They hadn’t been nearly as close to each other in recent days, but perhaps just playing a song and listening together would’ve been good for them. He had seen him talking to Jane earlier, but he paid it no mind. Austin was bound by his own respectable morality; his sense of loyalty to both and preference to none. He knew Austin would never breathe a word of Jane’s thoughts to Rob, so there was no point in asking.

Instead, Rob took the time otherwise wasted on pointless pestering to think slowly and carefully about his present situation. He was an analytical person at heart, it it may have done him a bit of good to take a moment and analyze.

There was no point in denying the fact that he could not force or persuade Jane to do anything. She was her own person, and Rob his. It was unfair of him to expect her to reciprocate feelings, ease his pains, or to give any other sort of solace to him. It was true that she had hurt him the other night, and for that he was upset, but he had to know who Jane was. There was a balance he needed to strike between denying her of the respect she deserved and the time he so desperately wanted to spend with her, and keeping himself sane without temptation laying around every corner, promising to bite him in the ass if he so much as indulged.

What it came down to was this: he needed to keep some distance between himself and Jane. And perhaps not so much the cold loneliness he portrayed to her at the start of the tour, but if he continued to lay himself down at her feet, there was no reason he should expect to get anything other than trampled. So he needed to find a way to treat her like the friend she felt him to be, without opening himself up further to any misery. He had no reason to think Jane wanted anything other than friendship from him.

There was also his emotions to account for, for the very first time for Rob. He was not a man of passion, but one of logic. So how do you logically deal with emotions? It was a question Rob had been asking himself and had no answers too. The bitter truth was, no matter how much he tried and analyzed, he couldn’t protect himself from…well, himself. And his true self so desperately wanted to be with Jane. No matter how much of a wall he wanted to build, there was always going to be a primary weakness. If she willed it, those walls could come tumbling right back down, leaving him as broken and hurt as the day Anna had left him, and he realized that it was himself to blame.

Rob pushed it all away as Jane spoke, telling them all about the radio station wanting to interview the band, and it made him smile. Beyond what was between Rob and Jane, things had well and truly improved. The life they had always wanted was formulating in front of them. All they had to do was seize it. Rob knew about this, and knew that in order to survive, he would have to be logical. He would have to try. For the sake of everyone, and for the sake of himself.

When they had pulled over at another mall to eat, Rob had made his way over to a salad bar and gotten a plain salad without dressing, along with an iced tea. In the middle of the stop, Rob had saw Jane. He knew the longer they both ignored the current situation, the worse off either of them would become.

“Hey J,” he said smiling as he approached her. They were the same first words he had said to her at the start of it all. “I uh, I don’t know what the others had told you, but I didn’t want to feel like there were problems between us.”

He took a deep breath. “We’re friends, Jane. And I can’t change what I said or how I feel but—I respect how you feel about all of that.”

He wanted so bad to tell her not to toy with him anymore. To stop the nights they slept together. To stop being so intimate if all she was ever going to be was be a friend—

“I want us to be normal again. So…I’ll treat you normal if you treat me normal?”

He put on a smile as he pulled her in for a quick hug. His face brushing against her hair, smelling her for the first time since that night on the pull-out couch, so long ago it seemed.

“I’ll see you around, then.”

He moved away, sliding back outside to eat his salad as he watched people passing by. It was relaxing for one, but it was also healing. He thought he was strong enough to be cordial with Jane, but he had almost lost his sense again. His resolve was only so strong, and he was only so human. He needed to try to find a way to make this work for her, or else it would eat him up inside.

So he finished his food, went to the store for a coffee, and met back up with the group. They had arrived at the hotel a few hours later. When they checked in, however, Rob’s ideas seemed less and less likely.

“It’s four rooms,” the man said behind his counter. He held four keys in his hand, “but two apartments; each with two bedrooms. You’ll find a full kitchen and living room inside as well.”

Austin swooped in and grabbed the first two keys, both for the first room, and tossed the other one to Sam. Rob watched in near-horror as the two ran off, smirking at him and Jane as they left. This was just fucking perfect.

As soon as Jane and himself entered the room, Rob quickly realized just how close each room was. He’d be just a few inches away from Jane every night for a half-week.

“I’m going to change real quick,” he said to Jane, dragging his stuff into the first room and softly closing the door without bothering to lock it. He immediately pulled out his phone and texted Harold:

7:37, Rob: I thought we had four rooms.

7:38, Harold: You do. It’s one of the nicest hotels in the area.

7:39, Rob: Did Sam put you up to this?

7:41, Rob: He tried to talk me out of it. Figure it out, Rob.

Rob tossed his phone to the bed as he pulled his shirt and pants off, then sat at the edge of the bed. What was the number one rule of unrequited feelings?

No unnecessary contact.

Not even a day in, and his plan was already fucked.

[megatrash]

Rob's words barely registered in Jane's mind as he spoke, but she tried to best to not let everything she was thinking display outwardly. It was if her pride and selfishness was a cage, and her true feelings and sensitivity their prisoner, and she so badly wanted to scream out all of the frustrations she was feeling. As he continued, she picked up on the hurt his tone was laced with, and it completely destroyed her.

So, he wanted her to treat him 'normally.' Jane wasn't sure what normal was anymore. Could he really have just wanted her to continue fucking around? Never touch him again? Never have the nights they've had before? That couldn't be right.

But, instead of trying to argue the point he made, she nodded softly in agreement and hugged him, forcing herself not to squeeze him. Then they went their separate ways, both physically and mentally.

Jane wandered the mall barefoot, using a finger to graze the rows of clothes she walked by. The last thing she felt was hungry, but she forced down a sandwich and some water before heading back to the van and placing herself in the back seat, cigarette smoke pouring out of the opened behind her resting head. If Rob really didn't want her to be around, she wouldn't, but if she would just fucking tell him how she was feeling, there would be no issue.

She just didn't have the courage to let him know that she hurt him for no reason.

------------------------------------------

Jane couldn't help but smirk as Austin swiped two keys from the concierge, but she didn't dare look over at Rob. She could feel the heat of his frustration radiating off of him. "Is it really that bad Rob? I'm not a fucking stranger."

Jane remained silent as they made their way into the room, her head swiveling around to soak in all the amenities. Espresso maker, black marble counters in the small kitchen, large French doors that opened to a patio overlooking the city from fifteen stories high. It had to be the nicest hotel they've stayed in, not only on this tour, but ever, and for a moment, the luxurious apartment made Jane forget about the messiness of her and Rob's relationship until she heard him rustling around behind her.

Quickly turning around, a "Rob, I -" was all she could get out before the door to the first room swung close with a thud. She nodded with pursed lips before approaching the door quietly and leaning her ear to the wood. She heard him get undressed, and her teeth clamped on her bottom lip as she debated on going in or not. But Jane ultimately decided to give him the space he so desperately craved.

"You got it, Rob."

Jane unpacked in the other room as she sang loudly to warm up for the night. A day's rest did her well - her voice almost back to normal - and her mindless singing followed her out into the kitchen as the joint that was planted firmly in her lips puffed like a train engine. She had taken off her shorts and slipped on a pair of boy shorts, along with a big, white tee shirt, but her hair remained sloppily on top of her heard right where she left it, and it bounced around as Jane sang All Apologies by Nirvana and mixed herself a drink.

Orange juice and vodka.

Jane wasn't usually one to drink a corkscrew, but her mouth began to salivate as the idea popped in her head. She was bored. Confused. Emotionally exhausted. Maybe that's why she felt the need to do something as minute as pick a new drink.

She made her way on to the porch with the busy city roaring underneath it, leaning on her free hand as she took a sip of the cocktail. If Rob wanted to be treated 'normally,' then Jane wasn't going to hold herself back. Not in New York City.

But as soon as the selfish thoughts went, her true ones came. She didn't want to sleep with anyone else. To flirt with anyone else. To touch or laugh with anyone else. That proved true with Zack from the bar.

She check the time on her phone, and it was time for them to head over to the venue. Rob was probably asleep since it had been an hour or two since they arrived and she hadn't heard a peep from his room.

Jane approached the door once again, this time lightly knocking. "Rob," she called. "Rob." Nothing. Her small hand slowly turned the ornate lever and pushed the door open to see him laying shirtless under the covers. She sighed and closed her eyes briefly.

"Rob," she shook his muscled arm gently. "Hey, we gotta leave soon," her raspy voice declared softly.

And without waiting for a beckoning that wouldn't come, she left the room without turning back around and closed the door. "Fuck," she whispered as went back to her room to get ready.

Jane took her hair out of the knot and shook it loose; the band she had used created large, messy waves in her long hair. She slipped on a gray, tight body suit - it's front and back both dipping low - and a ripped up pair of shorts over it. She packed her purse with her cigarettes, phone, lighter, and wallet and popped up onto the counter in the kitchen as she waited and finished her third drink.

Jane wasn't sure how the set would go. Perhaps all of this tension was one sided now, and Rob was completely fine letting her go. She didn't have time, though, to dwell on the thought before a text from Austin rang in.

Austin: You guys ready yet?
Jane: Five minutes.
Austin: Rob comes that quick huh?
Jane: Now we're just 'friends.'
Austin: Oh shit.
Jane: Yeah.

"Rob, we gotta go!" Jane called out to the closed door as she hopped off the counter. Hopefully he'd look like shit. Hopefully he'd somehow look so unattractive to her and she wouldn't feel this way anymore.

[HangYourSecrets]

The conditioned air gave Rob a chill as he sat upon the foot of the bed, lost in thought for several minutes. Gentle footfalls pattered across the floor beyond his room, followed soon by shuffled fabric and Jane’s voice. The tune of Nirvana hadn’t hit his ears in such a long time; unlike some, he felt as if the band had a sound that was worth experiencing via a straightforward listening of one of their albums as opposed to just singling out specific tracks. However, as time moved forward there was a pretentious irony in enjoying the music, so Rob’s pleasure faded with time. On this specific evening, he was willing to reminisce in his former pleasure of the band, and sang along, alone, softy with Jane: All in all is all we are. Simple, repetitive, and beautiful.

Rob enjoyed a joke to himself as he thought of it: their single was two of these things. And as he continued to think, he couldn’t help but remember a painfully relevant verse from another Nirvana song:

”I’ll take advantage while you hang me out to dry. But I can’t see you every night…free.

He stood from the bed and made his way into the bathroom, making sure to pull his toiletries from his bag as he did so. He had a fortunate habit of showering on impulse, an issue few felt with be problematic. It did no good to his skin and hair’s dryness, but it did wonders for his mind. As he climbed in, Jane’s voice continued to permeate, creeping it’s way under his door and finding its muffled melodies through Rob. Oh, he tried so hard to not think of it. To not feel. Yet it was an impossibility. He launched his hand to the shower’s lever, twisting it clockwise and pouring icy water on his body, sending shivers and panicked nerves up his body. It was the only way to shower in peace.

Afterwards, Rob threw a usual cocktail of ingredients into his hair. It was a mixture of pastes, fibers, and creams, designed to keep his head smelling decent and keep his long hair from poofing out into an undesirable frizzy bush that it would usually become, if such precautions weren’t taken. His mind had recovered from the shower, and continued to ramble on it’s own thoughts and patterns. He worried about his future, his band, his feelings, his ambitions, his lust, his wants, his desires—

It never ceased to end. Only when he had forced himself asleep did his thoughts finally die down, releasing his into a bitter sleep…

…which felt so soon awakened by Jane’s gentle touch, shaking him back into his own body. Rob murmured a quiet “thanks” into the air as he heard her slide back out of the door. The latch locked into place with a quiet click, and once again it was quiet.

Being so close to Jane gave Rob a sense of pleasure—it reminded him of feelings he used to feel back in Junior High. It was like an innate sense of longing, a passionate, burning rage only fueled by lust and hormones. He remembered himself: acne-ridden, managing his hair only with his own clippers at home, luckily having more confidence than the other insecure men around him, making out with any cute girl within a few miles. It was a time of experimentation and impulsive desire. Now, the feeling had returned, but it was only Jane that made him feel that way.

There was maturity too, no doubt; it wasn’t just his sexuality that drove him. What he felt she didn’t understand was that he wasn’t going after Jane for security or stability. He wasn’t so blind as to think she would alter herself to match him. She was truly what he wasn’t. It was an honest admission to himself that he wanted what he didn’t have when he accepted his desire for her. In his own selfish mind he felt so bad that Jane felt like it was what he wanted. But he could never blame her for the assumption. The world around them wanted stability; it wanted the acceptance of mediocrity. Of a Bachelor’s degree in Engineering and a desk job—401k’s and two and a half children to be coddled up to start the sequence over again. It was a cheap bastardization of rigidness and the American Dream gone so horribly, horribly wrong.

What Rob desired most of all was forwardness and honesty from himself and those around him. He had lived his rigid lifestyle for so long that it was almost as if his instincts desired to off-set himself. Perhaps it was right. Perhaps Jane was right for him.

Or, perhaps Jane was right about stability. The world was beginning to fall flat in his head. It melded and emulsified into a sea of confusion to which there was no surface. Words piled atop words until it all lost meaning. Death by endless repetition.

As Rob dressed and exited his room, having put on a tight purple shirt and his usual black jeans. As soon as he left the room, the world simplified around him. He didn’t feel a need to overcomplicate with Jane. Merely being in her presence just made him feel better. Prose dropped. His walls fell. No unnecessary contact seemed so banal to him now. A battle was waging between the id and the ego. And the id was winning.

“Let’s go,” he said with a smile.

---

The festivals grew larger each passing day. It seemed so hilarious to Rob, that a mere week ago, the shows that had played kept them marginalized to an opening set and so few songs. It proved how fast fame moved in a digital age. Now, they played larger and later sets than Vulture. They had even been in talks to upgrade to a rented tour bus. With a driver. On payroll.

How the hell did that even begin to become an option for them? In case anyone was wondering, it was an easy answer: the single.

Rob had a love-hate relationship with that damned song that only continue to grow with each passing show. He played it with more spirit and energy than he truly wanted to, but it could only be faked so often and so effectively that he knew one day he’d read an article about how contrived his actions were.

As he waited for the show past his load-in and sound check, This Body by The Dear Hunter blasted through his headphones. He had always admired the entire sprawling album the track had come from; as well as the breakdown about three minutes-plus into the song. It was so deceptive and simple. Played live, he had seen it for himself a few years ago—one of the coolest experiences he had.

After finishing the track, Rob pulled his headphones out as Sam approached him:

“We’ve made an alteration to the setlist,” he said through his trademark stupid grin. “We’re not opening with the single.”

“You’re going to switch it out with another track?”

“We’re going to switch it around and put it in the middle. We wanted…to move Speechless to the opening track.”

Rob’s eyes lit up slightly. “Thank God,” he said in a voice, trying to be calm, “it’s designed to be an opener anyways.”

So as the lights dimmed upon the stage minutes later, and Rob’s snare rolled out into the audience, he began to feel alive again. This performance would not be faked. Rob needed an outlet for his energy, and Speechless took the form upon itself.

With each moment that past, every fiber of his being was slowly turning against his better nature. Off of this stage, he would need to fight against himself, try so very hard to respect the line Jane had drawn. But…on here? He could be honest. He could look up to the roaring crowds and masses that had come so far to see them, and he could ignore it all.

He looked instead to Jane—her figure silhouetted from his perspective against thousands of bodies, and he could play as if he loved her. Because he did.

And with Rob behind her, he assumed Jane could play as if the past few days had never happened. As if Rob didn’t love her, but also…because she didn’t love Rob.

Because as far as he was aware…she didn’t.

[megatrash]

After a few extra drinks bought for her by fans at the bar, Jane had a good buzz on – one good enough to temporarily ease her inner dialogue about the current affairs happening in the band. She hopped up on the stage and greeted the crowd, as always, and let the boys play their minute and a half intro as she drank some water a bobbed along to the beat of the song. This show was like any other one besides two things:
1) The much larger crowd of fans below them
2) The fact that Jane didn’t look behind her once during the performance

The cold shoulder wasn’t supposed to be a “fuck you” to Rob by any means. It was more of a way to keep her focus on the music, the crowd, and the performance, and also not to make things any more awkward and tense than they were already. She could feel his presence behind her, though, like someone repeatedly poking her in the shoulder to get her attention. But she pushed through the show, showing her attention to the crowd of people who paid to see them, and ended with a short sentiment.

“Thank you guys so much for coming out and singing with me. We didn’t expect all the love, but we really appreciate it. We’re In Bloom from Long Beach. Thank you.”

The crowd cheered, and Jane returned the microphone to its wobbly stand before hopping off the stage to catch a breath. Maybe it was the venue, or the large amount of patrons, but the air was warm and humid inside, she felt like she’d nearly faint. One of the water bottles that was half-way full was poured over her head and massaged around with her fingers, the rest of the stray drops dripping down to the ends of her hair and scattering on various parts of her.

One thing Jane had been awful at was interacting with the crowd after a show, usually because all of her energy was given away to the crowd on stage, but it was decided she should do some face time. She took a spot behind a merch table provided by the venue and ran by their new driver, and Jane spent a half an hour greeting people and signing CDs as they were purchased.

It truly all felt so surreal, as if she was watching herself from a corner of the ceiling, and someone else was controlling her down on the ground.

Once they packed up and left the venue, Sam and Austin were going back and forth about what they wanted to do that night. All of them were excited to be in New York City – Jane too – but she couldn’t push herself to want to go out. She just wanted a bath in the roman tub and pass out after a couple of joints and a Xanax she saved for the night before a morning she could sleep in.

“I think I’m gonna stay in tonight, guys,” she squeaked, her voice struggling to make a sound after the performance. “Have fun, though.”
Austin turned around from the passenger seat and gave her an understanding nod.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only moments after arriving to the room, Jane was locked in the shared bathroom, smoking a joint with a speaker playing Alison by Slowdive softly. With closed eyes, her head was resting on the wall of the tub, her face looking upwards, as the warm water soothed her in all aspects – cursing to herself when the water finally turned cold and forced her to leave her sanctuary. The bathroom was foggy, both from steam and smoke, but Jane looked at her reflection momentarily. She slowly reach out to the foggy layer covering the gold-trimmed mirror and drew a happy face where hers would be.

Maybe she smoked too much.

Or maybe Rob would see it and laugh.

Maybe leaving small things like that around would keep her at the forefront of his mind.

She wrapped herself in a white fluffy towel and scurried to her room without looking up to see if she was alone, and once she arrived, Jane closed the door quietly behind her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Half an hour later, Jane’s body was so heavy, she felt as if she’d eventually sink through the plush mattress down to the floor. The Xanax had did its work; her hazy mind had released the problems it had been constantly mulling over. Instead, vapid thoughts of the tour and their growing popularity flashed in front of her like a montage on a projector until her last joint was extinguished in the ashtray on the end table.

Jane was only wearing boy shorts under the fluffy white comforter, and the smooth fabric felt as if it was constricting around her, lulling her to sleep. Some made-for-TV movie was chattering in the background, but she could no longer focus on it. Her eyelids, which felt like weights, began to force themselves shut as her last yawn broke out and sent chills down her spine. One heavy arm slowly grazed the other, up and down, feeling the blonde hairs that stood up. Being alone in the large, fancy bed seemed like a waste of space, so in order to contradict that notion, Jane sprawled out almost as wide as she could, but her short figure was unable to compensate.

Hopefully, she’d get to sleep in past 6:00 AM. Waking up so early, finding something to occupy her mind before the others were up, was tiring in itself. The sedative would allow her to at least sleep until 11 that morning.

Her phone was sitting limply in her hand, and thoughts of texting Rob crossed her mind, but ultimately, Jane came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be a wise choice. In this moment of inebriation, she was probably too vulnerable to attempt to stay sane in front of him. So, instead, she silenced the phone and hugged the comforter that surrounded her with her arms, and eventually drifted off into a heavy, deep slumber.

There were no plans for the band the next day, and Jane had the hopes of convincing Rob to go sightseeing with her. If they were just friends, that meant they should hang out together, right? If she couldn't be intimate with him like she wanted to be, especially after how good he looked as he exited his room earlier, then she needed to at least be close to him. Spend time with him. Talk to him. Gauge where he was at with her. Convince him that he just settling for being "normal" with Jane wasn't going to cut it without, of course, having to confess how she really felt.

[HangYourSecrets]

The band’s show had left Rob both physically and emotionally drained. The crowd never ceased to show loud enough to fuel him through the setlist, but once the final note had finished, Rob felt like he had had enough. Sam and Austin had agreed to go out on the town that night, while the other two members seemed more interesting in staying in. Once him and Jane had returned to their shared room, Rob moved into the kitchen and saw Jane walk right past, closing herself within the bathroom shared between them. He figured that she must have felt the same way about the shows. Night after night, the songs melded into each other. It first became tiring, then grueling, then absolutely crushing. He was glad that there were no plans tomorrow, and seeing as how the kitchen was completely empty, he decided to head down to the hotel’s convenience store and pick up a few things.

Thirteen floors later, Rob had arrived at the lobby of their hotel. He found a bitter irony in the fact that their floor, the thirteenth by technicality, was labeled “14” out of old superstition. As if changing the name would alter the fact that the floor was still “unlucky.”

After arriving at the hotel’s rather large convenience store, Rob shot a text to Harold:

11:39, Rob: Buying groceries, not hookers. I’d watch out for Sam and Austin though.

With each dollar the band pulled in, the greater strain Harold felt to monitor the spendings. He had set up a joint account between the four of them for shared band money back at the start of the tour. Then, there was little more than a few hundred in that account. Now, Harold never gave Rob a straight answer when he asked exactly how much he had.

Rob picked up a few things he felt like cooking, a decent amount of booze, several cartons of cigarettes, and some snack food he knew Jane would like. He hauled the load back over into the elevator, up to the thirteenth/fourteenth floor, and loaded it into the kitchen, just in time to see Jane’s toweled body cross the floor and close herself into her room. Soon after, the smell of her joint faded through the room, and for the first time on the tour, Rob actually worried about the hotel figuring it out. The nicer the rooms they stayed it, the less independent Rob felt. Each show came with more rules. Each dollar made had terms and conditions. It made Rob feel as if their little group had begun to loose it’s control. That the waves that had carried them thus far would continue to push them until there wasn’t much left to push.

To keep himself occupied, Rob browned some beef he had bought downstairs and hastily made some Hamburger Helper. In the living room, Rob set down his plate, opened a bottle of apple ale, and opened Netflix. Shit, this hotel had everything…

The later in the evening it became, the lower he turned the volume, as not to upset Jane. Then, as night faded into early morning, Rob continued to deny the fact that he just could not sleep.

He had tried to lay down somewhere between three and four in the morning. The massive bed felt cold to him. Each time he’d roll over he’d want Jane to be there; to enjoy her warmth, her scent…her taste…

Rob sat up in the bed before he could let his mind travel any further. How did he manage to be so close to her for so many years? He marveled at his own resolve in those days, but in actuality, it was just oblivion.

Rob had never once thought a romantic thought of Jane in high school. At the time, he had little concern for relationships; managing a few casual flings and the occasional friends-with-benefits with other women within the rock scene, when he felt the need. He looked at his own sexuality in those days as something to be maintained and controlled, to keep it from distracting him from what was really important.

Well, it certainly was distracting him now.

By nine in the morning Rob had long since given up, and sat on the balcony of their hotel, smoking cigarettes and not moving since the sun had risen earlier that day. New York was intricate and impressive, sure, but it almost felt wrong. Men and women marched like ants below him, surely traveling to their jobs, fighting for their paychecks. Some may had been analysts or brokers, agents and entrepreneurs, all lobbying for the same goal; money. In that goal the world around them turned to concrete and rebar; aside from Central Park, the green seemed to be sucked out from their world. Even back in Long Beach, Rob enjoyed what little untouched nature there was. Out here, it seemed so loud and desperate.

Rob had no interest in living that kind of lifestyle; however odd that may have seemed to his classmates. He didn’t need or want the security of the sanctity of the city. At most, he enjoyed the view and the concept of it, but it was just another Long Beach to him. A world with borders and limits that one day Rob would outgrow like Long Beach before it.

He guessed that he liked the idea of stability rather than the implementation. Such it was with Jane.

Convention warned him away from Jane. But everything about her just drew him closer. The way she hated convention. The spirit. The small things like the smiling face that stared back at him in the mirror in the bathroom. The more he thought of what seemed wrong, the more he wanted it. He didn’t want her to change a thing about herself.

He thought about all these things and more as he watched the night end and the day continue on without him, and it made him feel very, very small.

By eleven Rob had smoked the last of a carton of cigarettes and fried a half-dozen eggs, getting the amount he wanted and leaving the rest on the stovetop for Jane if she wanted it. His initial plan would simply not work. It was a waste to have even considered logic with the way he felt.

As he looked out into the city, at the millions of people below him, all Rob wanted was Jane.

He remembered a song from long ago:

As a preteen, his musical taste wasn’t yet developed. Songs he enjoyed remained on infinite repeat as other tracks remained difficult to find. His parents had never been musical people, and anything in the CD store labeled PARENTAL ADVISORY was off-limits to him.

He had gone to summer camp and met a girl. One night, they had snuck away, and she played CD’s she had burned earlier—tracks her elder sisters had shown her. One of those was a live cover: a song originally by Nine Inch Nails, altered into harder rock by Flyleaf. As they had made out under the stars, Rob could remember the lyrics to that song, as clear as day.

“I just want something I can never have,” Rob whispered under his breath as he looked down from the balcony. To have said it out loud made him feel so much better.

[megatrash]

It was almost 11 on the dot when Jane awoke slowly from one of the deepest sleeps she had in ages. She had no memories of dreams or waking up in the middle of the night, and her body was still in the same position she was in when she drifted off, the heavy feeling still consuming her.

“Shit.”

She rose with a grunt and scanned the room, then looked down to see her bare chest and laughed, getting up slowly and dragging a white tank top down over her torso and grabbing the first pair of shorts she could find, leaving them unbuttoned in pure laziness.

Jane poked her head out of the door and spotted Rob out on the patio and also the breakfast in the kitchen, which made her smile, but her attention ultimately returned to him and the stoic look on his face. Without knowing that he was being watched, Jane observed him from inside as she leaned on the doorframe. He looked tired and dissatisfied, as if he’d been kept awake all night with rage. Perhaps, she could try to cheer him up.

“Hey,” her hoarse voice greeted him as her mouth plucked a cigarette from her pack. “Want one?” She asked, the cigarette bobbing with each syllable, as she threw the pack for him to catch. Her elbows leaned on the railing as she exhaled a cloud with a sigh. “I haven’t slept that well in years,” she chuckled. “Thanks for the breakfast.”

She turned around to eye him. “If you’re tired, I get it, but I was thinkin’ maybe you and I could go exploring a bit. Walk around the city, get some food later or something.” Jane's expression changed from curious to genuinely enthused. "I don't want to be stuck in the room all day."

Jane positioned her body to face outwards towards the view again and enjoyed the last of her cigarette, and then waltzed back into the apartment to grab a plate of what Rob cooked.

As she ate, sat on the island cross-legged, holding the plate with one hand and holding the fork with the other. She was fairly impressed with what he made, and the fact that he made enough for both of them, so the uneasiness temporarily subsided as she ate her first home cooked meal in over a week. She remembered when they were young, up at some ungodly hour when they slept over her house.

Jane would perform her nightly ritual of removing the burnt cigarette and liquor bottle from her mother's grasp and cover her and the recliner in a blanket. At first, when Rob and her began their friendship, she was embarrassed by her mom. But at this point, there was no use hiding it.

They would finally make their way into the kitchen to find some sort of meal to satisfy their munchies. The weirdest concoctions would come out of the microwave, toaster, or oven, and they would bring their dishes back up to Jane's room to test what they made.

Memories of her mom made her sad enough. She had passed two years ago, the last time Jane saw either of her brothers, but Rob had been her rock during that time; he even let her crash at his house before she found an apartment. The house was too weird to live in without her mother.

After her breakfast, Jane cleaned up the kitchen and unpacked a few of her things that she'd be wearing the next two days. She kept mentally scolding herself each time a thought of going into Rob's room popped in her head, so she attempted to keep herself occupied until she couldn't take it anymore.

"Rob," Jane called to him as she approached him in his room. "I, uh, I understood everything that you said at the mall. I do. I just don't really get what being normal is anymore." Her eyes shot down to the floor near his feet, and her arms embraced her own body as if to protect herself. "I guess just tell me if I'm overstepping my boundaries or just pissing you off, yeah?" She winced as the words came out. Jane wasn't angry for what he said. If anything, she could only blame herself.

As she turned to leave, she swiveled right back around to him and met his eyes. "Rob, I - "

"Don't do it, Jane."

"Get some rest and we'll go out later."

His door clicked closed right before Jane or her hands up to her face. Keeping her thoughts inside of her was getting harder and harder by the minute. It was a raging fire that she only had gasoline for.

Jane resorted to chain smoking on the patio for now. She didn't feel like getting interrogated by Austin or finding strangers to fill her time. Her phone was navigated by her thumb, searching reviews and contacts about the band, and Jane found herself cracking up at some of the comments she saw.

"I heard their front woman was a lesbian."

"I wish, sweetie," she mumbled to herself.

"The singer looks like a bum with small boobs. Why are her nipples hard all the time?"

"I like her lips."

"Thank you." Another mumble.

One comment, though, made her stop in her tracks.

"The drummer is sooooooo cute!"
And a few comments agreeing underneath it.

This caused a wave of jealously to crash over Jane, and at the recognition of it, she put her phone face down and scooted it across the patio table. She had to tell him. Not yet. But soon.

[HangYourSecrets]

Jane’s voice growled next to him; textured by the night’s sleep. It almost shocked Rob, and he suppressed a slight jolt as she appeared next to him.

His hands barely received the pack of cigarettes tossed their way soon after. That pack found itself bouncing around in Rob’s fingers, before landing with a thud on the concrete, inches from where Jane’s feet were planted. He slid himself closer to her to pick them up, and pulled one out. He would surely need one after that show of awkwardness.

“You’re welcome,” his voice softly came in response to the breakfast. It really had been nothing more than habit, but he was happy Jane appreciated the gesture. She had even gone further, asking him to go exploring for a bit. His mind locked upon her phrasing: you and I. Not the band. Not a group. Them.

“I don’t want to be stuck in the room all day.”

“Me either,” he came. He turned to her and smiled. “I’d love to.”

No. Too strong. For god’s sake, man.

He quickly tried to suppress the smile, turning back to the view in front of them. From their close distance, Rob could almost feel the hairs on his arms brush against hers. He wanted to badly to hold her in this moment. But it was so fleeting, as Jane turned away, leaving him alone on the balcony once more. After seeing her once again, he felt tired. She had slept and awoken in the time had spent conscious. What was he going on, now? 30 hours? It sure felt like it.

Once Jane had moved into her own room, Rob slid into his, leaving the door open and fixing up a few things. But the more he thought, the more he wanted to just sleep. If only for an hour. Or thirty minutes…something. His being awake wasn’t going to help anyone. But he needed to stay awake, didn’t he? He didn’t want Jane to wait up on him. He wanted to be with her…definitely. But each passing moment he felt more and more like a zombie.

Eventually the decision was made for him, as he heard his name called out for him. He turned in place to see Jane entering his room…sheepishly? She walked with an air of insecurity that he hadn’t seen from her before. Her steps were less certain, her shoulders more tense. What had been the problem? It couldn’t have been something he had done. No…no there wasn’t a thing he had done all day besides cook food and drop cigarettes. Then what was it?

”I just don't really get what being normal is anymore”

Well…maybe it was something he did.

“I should’ve said that some other way,” he said, scratching the back of his head. God, he wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to reach and out hug her. Hold her. Do whatever the fuck she wanted him to do. Her hurting him was bad, but hurting her felt so much worse.

He watched as her eyes darted away from his, locking onto a spot upon the floor. Shit…she looked so vulnerable for once. It made no sense. The Jane he knew wasn’t one to open herself up. She closed herself off, mostly. Maybe tried to find comfort in other people, sure…but venerability? This was an entirely new concept from her, and he was much too dense, tired, and confused to really try to understand what was the source of it.

She turned to leave, then turned back. His name left her lips in a way that seemed to signal something important…only to be followed by:

"Get some rest and we'll go out later.”

“Uh, sure,” he stammered out. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been that. “I’ll meet you out here soon.”

With his words she had closed the door between them, leaving him more confused that he had hoped to be this early in the day. His mind, for once, refused to process any of it. He simply walked to the bed after setting an alarm, fell under his covers, and was asleep in about two minutes.

Two hours later, the alarm rang, and he felt as if no time had passed. However, his body felt just a bit better. The edge had been shorn off his haze, and he no longer felt the need to hibernate for the rest of the day. To mellow out, he kept his lights off and placed his headphones on, playing Your Move by O’Brother as he stared at the ceiling and zoned out to the ethereal sounds and harmonies, smoking a joint as he did so.

Afterwards, he changed out of his dirty clothes from earlier and stripped to his boxers. He marched across the apartment with a fresh change of clothes and closed the door behind him before bothering to look up. He showered diligently, keeping it as warm as he could manage to keep things soothing, before slipping out, drying off, and putting on fresh clothes. A plain white tee remained layered under a grey cardigan and black jeans, cuffed above black converses. It was a bit different than his usual style, but he felt good to have a change of clothes on for once. He pushed the sleeves up on slightly, unhappy with how they hid his forearms.

He mashed the familiar products into his damp hair, forcing it to comply to his demands. After feeling satisfied with the way he looked, he walked into the kitchen, are brewed coffee. As soon as it was ready, he drank it: black. The vile mixture burned at his throat as he forced it down, needing the caffeine rather than the taste. He must’ve been pushing 10 cups over the past 48 hours.

He sat in the living room and waited patiently on his phone, scrolling through different bands he had been following, before Jane came into the room. He felt so bad for earlier, even if he didn’t fully understand it. He had to find a way to make it up to her somehow today. Make her feel better without pushing himself too far. Rob realized how funny it was, how both of them were trying to figure the other out, see what was good and what was bad. It was like they had been meeting for the very first time.

“If I sleep anymore, I won’t sleep tonight,” he said. “I’m ready whenever you are. What did you have in mind?”

He knew it probably would’ve been best if he had at least made a suggestion, but the fear of making things worse had driven him to be more passive than he’d like. And…to be honest with himself, wherever Jane wanted to go would be fine. He just wanted her to be honest with him, because no matter how hard he tried to keep his expectations down, he felt more and more like that moment hours before at the doorway had meant far more than what it seemed.

[megatrash]

Jane changed into something she thought was suitable for exploring a city like New York. Although she'd never admit it, she wanted Rob to think she looked nice too. Her hair still remained as it always once, looking like she had just gotten out of bed after a long night, but she wasn't going to spend half an hour working through the knots that held the blonde hair in its beachy, thick waves that had almost dreaded at this point.

As she walked out of her door to see Rob sitting on the couch waiting for her, she couldn't help but notice how handsome he looked; she had not seen him dress up in more than a tee shirt in a long time. He looked so... grown up, as if he had aged without her. It was strange how much her eyes were opening up to him, little things and mannerisms she had took for granted in the past, like the strong veins in his forearms that peaked out of his sweater, the dark hair that covered the lower half of his face, or they way he sat in a such a masculine position, like he was inviting him to sit with her.

"Snap out of it, idiot."

"You look nice, Mr. Pennie," she joked as she scooted around the apartment to find her belongings. Jane had a bad habit of leaving her things scattered around wherever she goes, as if she was a tornado leaving damage behind her. She swung the slouchy bag over her shoulder and approached him just in time for him to ask her what the gameplan was.

"Well," she smiled, "I figured we could just walk around and see where the day takes us. There's this record store called Top 5 that I definitely wanna check out, though. And food. Of course," she stuck a tongue out. "Let's go." She tried her best to dull down the excitement she felt to spend the day with him and only him. No bandmates, no shows, no regiment to follow.

It would be just Jane and Rob.

It absolutely thrilled her and frightened her at the same time.

-----------------------------------------

They were walking down the busy sidewalk side by side, laughing at the strange characters they saw on the corners and the ridiculously overdressed women nearly breaking their ankles as they plowed down the street. Conversations about the shows they had played so far, how awful Harold was, and other meaningless chit chat made Jane really feel normal with him again. Perhaps that was what Rob was trying to explain to her. He just wanted her to be herself without tip toeing around his emotions.

But she continued wondering if it could be like this if they decided to take a shot at being together romantically. What if she told him how she felt, and things got weird again?

Jane was nearly snorting when they brought up one night when the whole band was on her roof. "Remember," she was struggling to get it out as she laughed, "remember when Sam fell off the roof into lawn chair?" She had to stop as they walked and doubled over involuntarily. "He was so fucking mad even though it was his fault." She had tears in her eyes as she took deep breaths to calm down.

That was when she spotted Top 5 Records. "Oh shit. I'll only be a few minutes." Without thinking, Jane grabbed his hand and yanked him in the dimly lit store. His right hand was warm, nearly devouring hers in its grasp, and as she allowed herself to succumb to the feeling that shot up her arm, she almost didn't let it go.

The record store was narrow, yet it looked a mile deep, housing bins and bins of records new and old. Jane's eyes lit up as she walked down the main aisle in the middle, fingers running gently over the records in their casings.

After picking three albums by Fleet Foxes, Pond, and The 1975, she happily paid the man behind the counter and entered the busy street again. If Jane had one prized possession, it was her record player, her brother's gift to her for her fifteenth birthday. Her collection had grown tremendously since then.

She looked to Rob as she slid her sunglasses back down over her face with the hand that wasn't holding the bag. "Anywhere you'd like to go?" Jane didn't want to dictate the day, another bad habit of hers. He was being so cool. Himself. And as the day went on and they reconnected, the urge to tell him everything she was feeling bubbled inside of her. She couldn't ruin how well things were going between them, though. This side of Rob had been hidden away for so long, and the possibility of ruining it with her feelings kept her scared enough to say a word about it.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob didn’t really get it when people thought Jane looked dirty or average. She was fucking beautiful.

It was the first thought that ran through his head as she came out and complimented him. He as glad she had noticed but was even more distracted by her own beauty. Features people complained about were the one’s he seemed to be drawn to the most. Her tangled hair enthralled him. Her smaller frame fit perfectly with his the once night they had spent together. And…being braless never hurt.

“You look better,” he responded honestly, instantly regretting the words as he come from his mouth. Sometimes he felt as if he was trying to sabotage himself. Luckily, Jane didn’t seem to make any obvious reaction to his words, so he was quick to leave them behind in the room, as the two walked out and headed into town.

That view he had had of the city from so far above seemed much odder here below. The people went from seeming like ants to feeling like a flood of bodies much bigger than himself. Luckily, the roads they traveled seemed to avoid the worst of it, and talking to Jane made the rest of the crowds disappear.

She seemed happier than before. Less nervous and more open to just simply talk. It felt like they had been friends again, and like every mistake they had made had long since faded with time. Rob constantly noticed things in Jane he had never before. The way she marched along the street with such confidence. Her eyes glowing as she remembered something. The way she lightly bit her lip as she was straining her mind for answers.

He laughed pretty hard with her as she remembered the past; specifically during the story of Sam. He straightened up and put on his best Sam voice: “Fuck you guys! Damn it, that fucking hurt!” he quoted Sam loudly from that night, drawing a few strange eyes for his sudden and excessive profanity. He laughed soon after, glad to have someone to remember that sight with him.

He kept smiling, even as Jane took his hand and dragged him into the record store. He took hers back as well, feeling her softer, lighter fingers before releasing soon after. Rob had always liked the sound of vinyl, but Jane loved it.

He ended up buying a classic Brand New record for himself that Jane had pointed out as she found it in a bin, knowing Rob’s love for the band.

He smiled at past memories of sitting in Jane’s home, staring at the ceiling together, tapping their feet slightly to the beat of the songs as they passed, talking softly to each other and taking turns getting up to flip or switch out the record. He had spent more time in that bedroom his high school and college-aged years than his own home. As he waited for Jane to finish up, he thought about those days:

Shit was always thrown about in Jane’s room, but some of Rob’s old things had begun making their way in as well as the years had gone by. Jane’s mom used to be a bit more suspicious of Rob (he was a bit older), but after a while, seemed to stop taking much interest in either Rob or Jane. For her sake, he never mentioned it.

He’d slip back into his home in the early morning, sometimes passing his father as he left for work. The two stopped talking to each other around the same time Rob graduated.

Rob’s father was an odd-man-out in Long Beach; the lone conservative in a liberal sea. He had moved into the area with his wife and child for the pay, but seemed so angry at Rob once he altered his style; stayed out long past curfew and hung out with the wrong crowds, in his father’s opinion.

His mother seemed to ignore the problems while his father grew more distant. After a night of confrontation, Rob condemned just about everything about his father right to his face. After that, they only spoke through his mother, or when absolutely necessary. In fact, the first time after a year they had spoken was for his father to tell him that a cousin of his had committed suicide.

Rob had gone to Jane’s house immediately afterwards, telling her casually since it had come up in conversation. She somehow knew exactly how to respond. She didn’t try to weasel the words out of him, nor did she try to tell him she knew how he felt. They simply continued on as they were, enjoying each other’s company and talking shit about the other kids at school. For years after, he was so glad he had spend that night at Jane’s house versus trying to talk things out with his mother. He loved her, surely, but Jane knew Rob. And he didn’t need a shoulder to cry on.

He just needed a person to share a bed with. To remind him he wasn’t alone.

Rob shook his head slightly to drain the thoughts from his head as he saw Jane finish purchasing her records. They walked back outside, and continued with the block; talking about whatever they wished.

”Anywhere you’d like to go?”

Rob smiled. In his mind, anywhere she wanted would’ve been fine with him. But now, it was his choice to make the decision.

Before anything could come to his mind, he heard the distinctive sound of live music, coming from somewhere in the area. Looking to Jane, he moved forward, before spotting a bar with a sizable amount of people hanging around the area for this time of day. He moved inside, catching the tail end of a group of guys covering Judith by A Perfect Circle.

He applauded as he heard the final notes, and smiled as the singer cleared his voice with beer and thanked everyone in the town. From the smell of cigarettes to the sounds of idle chat, Rob felt so at home in this place. Music played here meant something. It was purposeful, straight from the heart, and usually really great.

The guys each moved off their instruments as a bartender quietly handed Rob and Jane an IPA without so much as an ID check. Rob realized that it was no band that was playing, but rather it was the bar’s instruments, and anyone willing to come up with their friends and play were free to do so at will.

The next round of people drunkenly moved up to the instruments, much to the clear distain of a worker watching them closely. They quickly delved into a shitty cover of The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. Rob couldn’t help but laugh at how loose they were with the tempo, as the drummer continually sped up the band before trying much to late too slow things down.

“Man, fuck these guys,” Rob said, sipping his drink. He turned to Jane briefly to see how she was reacting to the sight. “We could do better than this.”

Actually… Rob thought to himself.

“We probably should.”

Rob chugged the rest of the IPA in his hand. It was pretty shitty anyways, and he needed the alcohol much more than he liked the taste. He felt the fluid grow warm in his stomach, knowing he’d have a light buzz kick in soon; if only for a few minutes.

“Do you want to?” he asked her.

[megatrash]

Jane smirked as she finished her beer and nodded. To say that she was excited about how spontaneous Rob was being was surely an understatement, and she would never pass up the offer to perform with him.

After a quick discussion and finding two other older men in the bar to play guitar and bass, they took the stage and prepared themselves. The one with the bass had a long, white ponytail hanging off the back of his head and weathered, black tattoos on his arm. The other with the guitar was more clean cut, probably stepping away from his roots to become a business man in the city. But, both of them looked completely excited to be on stage to sing with them. She looked to Rob to make sure to explain to them how they were altering the song.

Jane took her spot at the front of the stage and bantered with the crowd of old and young patrons as the rest of them set up.

A quick nod from the man with the guitar signaled Jane that they were ready, and that was when the guitar came in soft and blues-y.

"This is Whole Lotta Love by Led Zepplin. If you know it, come on up."

Mane of the younger patrons did not look so amused, but the older ones beamed with excitement as they made their way up to the small stage.

"You need coolin'
Baby, I'm not foolin'"

Jane absolutely loved being able to sing to songs that were softer for a change. It allowed her voice to breathe and, in her opinion, sound like it was supposed to. She'd usually pick up any acoustic gig she was invited to play, but with the band's schedule as of late, it was hard for her to find the time.

The song choice, however, she picked totally for Rob. She knew of his affinity for Led Zeppelin, and since it was his idea to perform in the first place, he deserved to play along with something he liked. Especially since he had to play the single he disliked every night.

Her milky voice lazily sang along to the song while her body swayed along as she held the microphone stand. "Woos" and "yeahs" sounded from the drunk crowd in front of her, but Jane found herself wanting to pay attention to Rob behind her.

"You've been learnin', baby, I've been yearnin',
All them good times, baby, baby, I've been yearnin'"

She turned her position momentarily and looked at Rob as she sang and smiled through the lyrics at him before turning back around to face the crowd. Maybe she was being too obvious. But, in the same respect, she wasn't acting that differently than she normally did with him, or at least, before he told her how he felt. She didn't want to act differently either. She wanted to absorb the day they were having together with every ounce of her, because things seemed to change so fast between them. Jane had to get every bit of him she could before something else happened between them.

"I'm gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love"

Her voice broke out into a bluesy growl at the end of each line as she felt the passion of the lyrics she was singing. Between the exhilaration she felt when she performed and the sexual tension she was feeling, Jane had opened her eyes maybe three times as she made her way through the song - a bad habit of hers that she had previously rid herself of when she sang with In Bloom. But she was feeling the vibe of the song with every fiber of her being.

---------------------------------------

They hopped off the stage after the song, and Jane immediately beelined to the bar to grab another beer.

"That was fun," she smiled to Rob before taking her first sip. "Thanks." Her eyes lingered on him for a moment before she turned her attention back to her drink.

After interacting with others in the establishment and promoting their show that night at a venue called The Pit, Jane checked the time. "We've got an hour before we gotta head back. Wanna grab some food?"

------------------------------------------

They entered a pizza place, Jane at least with a good buzz on, and she ordered a slice of cheese that was larger than her face.

They sat down at a small table as they are, and they continued their random conversations and laughter as they had previously that day. But, she felt the need to say something. Anything.

"I, uh," she began, as she swallowed her last bite of the ridiculously large slice, "I really had fun today with you. It was nice. It felt like us again, you know?" She took a sip of the water that was to her left, and she paused for a minute to enjoy the coldness that traveled down her body. Before she could continue, Jane saw the time on her phone.

Jane truly didn't want the day to end. She wished she could make a call and cancel the show so her and Rob continue their time together.

"Shit, we should probably get going. Sound check is at 7:30 tonight." She stood up and stretched, the pizza making her feel a big sluggish, and she pushed in her chair and waited for him. "Let's go, yeah?"

---------------------------------------------

Once they arrived back to the room, Jane hopped in the shower first and removed the day from her body. No mater how much of a "dirty hippie" people assumed she was, her routine before a show had to consist of her taking a shower first if she had the opportunity. It was a sort of way to cleanse herself, not only externally, but internally and recharging before getting up and giving away all of her energy to strangers. It was usually a sacred time of silence for her.

Back in the room, she threw on a long, maxi dress that hugged her body down to the middle of her thighs, then flowed freely down to the floor. The only way Jane would ever wear a dress was if it was her style, and this was. It was tie dye and consisted of a material a tee shirt was made of, and it had thin, spaghetti straps that held the top in place.

She exited the room and grabbed a beer from the fridge as she texted Austin and Sam to make sure they were ready to leave soon. Jane hummed quietly as she sat up on the counter waiting. She wasn't sure if was the good vibes she got from the day, but she found herself itching to go out after the show. Maybe a night club. Maybe a rave. It had been a while since she had done ectasy, but with how she was feeling lately, it might have been a bad choice. She probably wouldn't be able to keep herself from Rob like she had been trying to do.

[HangYourSecrets]

Led Zeppelin was a welcome change to what Rob hadn’t expected from Jane. Especially not “Whole Lotta Love.” It reminded him of another memory that played out ahead of him while he kept the beat:

Back in the day, Rob had been infinitely more obsessed with Led Zeppelin, even more than he would let on. It was a gateway drug for him; an entryway into music beyond the scope of generic rock or Top 40 radio. Somewhere during the height of the excitement, during the short time-frame where he drove her around before she had gotten a car, he’d always bother Jane with tracks like Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, blasting the breakdown at about two minutes and twenty seconds into the song, head-banging to the beat and slamming the wheel. He was pretty sure she thought he was going to kill them both.

The song Jane had chosen wasn’t the kind to fly down the highway too, but it was certainly one to play with someone with vocals like hers. She felt her way around the melodies, taking whichever route she wanted to. She seemed to sway in the rhythm, looking back a few times at Rob. He kept his own eyes with the guest bassist and guitarist, making sure to keep with them and motion for when he wanted to slow or speed up, but he couldn’t help but feel more than a few mixed emotions about the specific choice. And not only that, but…the way she would look at him. It was so similar to the way she had that very first show of the tour, but in another way so completely different.

He tried so hard to shake the thoughts from his mind, but he worried a parasite had wormed it’s way into his brain. Something he could never get out. Hope was the easiest way to get his heart broken, and it’s the last thing he wanted to happen.

He kept it in his mind at the pizza place, too. all throughout the ultimately meaningless conversations and jokes. Each look in her eye. Each touch of the arm. All of it was starting to become overthought. Overanalyzed to the point of nothingness, until Rob eventually tried to admit to himself that it wasn’t something he could ever realize.

Still in this moment, he was glad to be with Jane. With his friend. Regardless of motive, she was being forward with him, and normal again. For this small fleeting little moment, everything was just…fine.

“I’m glad we got to do this,” he said, eyeing the crust on his plate, wondering if he wanted to go ahead and finish it. For some reason, eye contact with her was always easy…except when discussing themselves.

As Jane motioned to leave, he decided against finishing the slice and agreed that it was time to go.

---

At the room, Rob switched out of his nicer clothes and reverted to old habits; an old Anberlin shirt was thrown on, above a pair of black shorts and Nikes.

Jane waited outside, and Rob just about stopped in place when he realized that she was wearing a dress, of all things. It wasn’t that she looked bad—in fact he found her gorgeous in this moment—but it was so very odd. Like there was some sort of special occasion. He made a mental note to ask Austin about this before trying to play it off.

“I didn’t know you owned a dress,” he said lightly, moving to the fridge and taking an energy drink out. He couldn’t help but be serious for a moment: “You look great, Jane.”

He tried to focus on other things, such as the upcoming show, all throughout meeting back up with Sam and Austin, heading to the show, and all throughout load-in as well. The entire process was a blur to him, but he was sure to open his eyes again when he saw The Pit.

It was a venue that looked almost like it was trying to copy The Cavern Club, that old shitty venue the Beatles had played in. The entire place was designed to look underground; so much so, he wasn’t sure if they actually were or not. Since they had decided to stay in New York for a few days, Harold had scheduled them in smaller, more intimate venues, known for launching bands. He figured it would be a good play for them, but Rob figured he had googled the place moments before booking them into it.

Rob peered out behind a curtain to see the crowd, before he realized; they were the headliner here. In all the chaos and confusion, Rob hadn’t realized Harold booked them as the headliner. Festivals were all they had ever played on this tour. Something about seeing the several hundred people all itching for them gave Rob a tinge of nervousness; broken by Austin’s voice:

“Crazy we brought these people in,” he said, giving Rob a jolt with his loudness. Austin laughed at the scene.

“Hope we can deliver…” Rob mumbled. Austin slapped him on the back rather, hard, before turning to go away. Before he could, Rob called out after him. “What uh…do you know what’s going on with Jane?” He tried to ask innocently.

Austin’s face put on a smug little grin. “Dude, I’m not even getting involved. Good luck!”

Austin ran off before Rob could get in another word, leaving him to sit and wonder.

Sometimes, he really fucking hated that guy.

[megatrash]

Jane smiled and muttered out a “thanks” to the compliment Rob had paid her. She had bought it before they left Long Beach, thinking there would be a night or two that she’d want to wear something different. Trivial things such as fashion she usually never bothered with, but after she saw the long, tie dyed dress hanging in a small shop window, she immediately fell in love. It was comfortable, and it fed her ego too – she knew it looked great on her.

But, it didn’t hurt that Rob mirrored the sentiment.

It may have just been the city itself, or the day that she had, but Jane felt as though a burden had been lifted off of her shoulders. Even physically, she didn’t feel as tense or exhausted. The relief was welcomed, probably not only by her, but those who surrounded her, and she was once again thrilled to get back on stage for the second time that day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always, Jane’s first stop when they got to the venue was to go to the bar and enjoy the drinks people bought for her and make small talk with fans. In the dark room, Jane caught sight of a girl with big hair, and she couldn’t help but think she looked familiar.

“Jane!” The girl cried out as she weaved her way through the crowd.
“Holy shit! Mia!” Jane hopped off her bar stool and hugged the girl tightly that approached her. Mia’s mom was friends with Jane’s back when they were younger, but Mia had relocated to New York sometime during high school.
“I saw you on the flier,” Mia explained as she pulled away from the embrace. “I had to come see if it was really you or not.” Her hand’s sat on Jane’s bare shoulders as she looked at her up and down. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”
Jane was smiling from ear to ear. “I know! You look so good!” she laughed as she took Mia’s hand and turned her around jokingly.
“Girl, you already know you look good,” Mia said as she eyed the dress Jane was wearing. “Hey, is Rob still in your band? I haven’t seen him in ages either. Always thought he was cutie.”
Jane nearly imploded at Mia’s admission. But on the outside, Jane smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I think he’s, uh, backstage or something. Probably setting up his kit.”

Jane couldn’t lie to make herself feel better either. Mia was beautiful. She had dark, caramel skin that wrapped around a thin frame, but unlike her, Mia had been blessed with curves – partly from working out, and partly from genetics – and thick ringlets exploded from the top of her head like fireworks. If Jane had ever met another girl who was anything like her, it was Mia. She was carefree, unashamed of her sexuality, and loved to have a good time.

They caught up a bit, shouting at each other over the roar of patrons that filled the bar, until it was time to do a sound check.
“Mia, find me after the set. We’re parked out back,” Jane nodded as she hugged her one more time and made her way up on to the stage just as the sound tech requested the front microphone to be tested.

“Heeeeeeey, check, check. Hey.”
The crowd began to cheer as she continued.
“Hey, check, check. That’s good, man,” she nodded to the left side of the stage as her hand shielded her eyes from the bright, warm lights shining down on her.

Jane exited to the stage to stand next to Austin as he fiddled with his bass.
“You look nice, Jane,” he admitted without looking up from the instrument. “Trying to impress someone?”
She rolled her eyes. “No.” Jane didn’t feel he need to defend herself, so instead, she drank her beer quietly and waited for their cue to get on stage. The thought didn’t even cross her mind Austin mentioned it. Was she trying to impress Rob subconsciously?

Jane squinted as she adjusted the microphone stand and made it much shorter than it was previously set up. “Hey everyone,” her smoky voice boomed through the venue and quieted the crowd. “We’re In Bloom from Long Beach. Thanks for coming out.”

Speechless and two more tracks were played to perfection, and the crowd seemed to really be enjoying the set so far. A few cases of crowd surfing even broke out, which the security guards quickly responded to. The sea of people were feeding of Jane’s energy, and she off of theirs.

“Whew,” she breathed into the microphone during a short pause between two of the songs. “You guys are killin’ it. I fucking love New York,” she smirked as the crowd “woo-ed” at the remark. “We got two more for you.”

Jane’s hair was wildly tousled about, as usual, and one of the straps of her dress took a permanent spot on the side of her arm. Sweat glistened on her chest and shoulders as she gave as much as she could to the crowd in front of her, and she sighed in relief as the single, the last song they played, came to an end.

“Thank you, New York,” she mumbled with exhaustion and waved a hand to everyone.

The moment she got off stage, she threw her hair up into a knot and bent over to catch her breath. It was one of her best sets since they had been on the road, and the experience itself was enough to leave her with a high and almost a sense of arousal; a good portion of why Jane loved to perform was for the feeling it gave her, unmatched by any drug or person could give her.

Jane met Mia by the van parked in the back lot of the venue.
“You guys were so good!” she exclaimed as she went to hug Jane, but immediately recognized the sweat. “I’ll hug you later. You need to shower before we go out.”
“Go out, huh?” Jane laughed as she looked down at the sweat Mia had noticed. “Alright, alright. Meet me at the Rochester lobby in an hour, yeah?”
“Sounds good,” Mia agreed when she saw the rest of the band approach. “Good set tonight, boys. Hey, Rob,” Mia greeted him, changing her tone as she did. “Good job.”
Jane kept on her best poker face as she waved Mia a farewell.

“Seriously,” she addressed the band as she climbed into the back of the van, “you guys were awesome tonight.” She used a forearm to wipe the sweat from her forehead. “Mia wants to take us out tonight if you guys are down. I could definitely blow off some steam.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jane hopped in the shower almost immediately when they arrived back at the hotel, and she hummed aimlessly as she got ready in her room. After deciding she dressed “fancily” enough for one night, she returned to her roots: a large, faded Los Angeles tee shirt, shredded jean shorts, a large flannel, and her pair of black vans. She scurried to the door as she heard a knock on it, and she was greeted by Mia - the perfect distraction to keep her doing anything regrettable with Rob.

“Ah, there’s my favorite boy,” Mia smiled as she saw Jane’s outfit.
“Shut up,” she laughed. “How’d you get up here?”
“Ran into Austin down in the lobby. He told me which room you were in.” She made her way past Jane to view the apartment. “This is so nice. Who are you sharing it with?”
Jane averted her eyes to the kitchen. “Uh, Rob.”
Mia nodded with a curious expression. “Okay, okay.” She turned back around to Jane and grabbed her hands. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah, but let me check and see if Rob’s going. I know Sam and Austin are down. Give me a minute.”

Jane approached his door and knocked quietly. “Rob, it’s me.” She slowly creaked open the door and peered in. “Hey, you gonna come with us?”

[HangYourSecrets]

After the set, Rob tossed his sticks into the audience, before walking off with the others, slicking his hair back with the sweat he had built up within it. A stagehand tossed his a water bottle just off to the side. He thanked them as he downed the water in a single take.

He loved the feeling of the shows, especially now that everything seemed so aligned. Any and all frustration was brought to the stage and beaten to utter shit along with the rest of his drum heads. In fact, he was pretty sure he’d have to make Harold give him some money for new heads soon, seeing as how his floor and rack tom were both starting to give way to dents; the second of the two-layered material cracking from it’s constant, heavy usage.

Looking off to the side, he saw Jane put her own sweaty hair up. He envied the convenience, and either wished his hair could hurriedly catch up for his to tie it back, or else he’d probably buzz it off to be done with his little experiment.

Catching up with Sam and Austin after load-out, the three caught up with Jane as she was talking to someone. As he got closer, Rob started wondering. Could it be—?

It was.

“Holy shit,” Rob said involuntarily.

Mia gave Rob a sultry smile and greeted him. It was the same smile he remembered from high school. Back in those days, Mia had been quite vocal about her feelings to Rob, especially during the days building up to her move to New York. Her last day at Long Beach, Rob had called her over. He was much more direct during those days: he wasn’t ever interested in relationships, but when he wanted someone…

He had always found her to be really attractive, but knowing she wouldn’t be around anymore escalated things. They spent several hours together that day and night.

Mia was so much like Jane, but she was totally opposite in Rob’s mind. Jane represented emotion, a connection with someone he hadn’t had with anyone else. Mia was a purely superficial entity for Rob. At least…she used to be. Seeing her again now was too odd.

He was so lost in thought about it, he let the others respond to the suggestion of hanging out with her go by without him. Sam and Austin seemed so eager, but this wasn’t a situation he really wanted to be in.

Once they had gotten to the room, Rob waited for Jane to step out of the shower, and slipped in as soon as he was sure she had left it. As he rinsed off, he could smell whatever fragrances Jane had left in the air behind her. He longed for the evening they had spent together almost like it was a passing memory rather than simply earlier that day.

He got out, cleaned up his beard a bit, and slipped on a clean white shirt over a bomber jacket and a clean pair of pants. He was in his room when he heard Mia come inside. He couldn’t help but hear them talk about him for just a moment, before seeing Jane peer in as he finished scribbling something down some lyrics he had thought of in a journal.

“Sure,” he said, looking up and setting his work down. He followed her back into the main room, seeing Mia again.

“Good to see you, Rob,” Mia said, her voice dripping with memories of their past. Rob offered her a cordial smile.

“It’s been a while,” he tossed out, before diving his eyes into his phone. “I’ll grab Sam and Austin. Meet you at the lobby?”

Before he could hear a response, he slipped out the front door without looking back. He almost forgot to breathe until he got down there, finding Sam and Austin waiting patiently.

“Where’s Jane?” Sam asked. “With Mia?”

Rob nodded, swallowing as well. “I wasn’t expecting to see her again.” Before he could continue, Austin laughed loudly as Sam rolled his eyes and handed him twenty dollars. “Wha—you—you bet on this?” He asked, mortified.

“Twenty dollars that you fucked her before she moved to New York,” Austin said bluntly. Rob looked around to make sure any kids or moms were around as he said it.

“I didn’t say that,” Rob about whispered.

“You didn’t have to.”

Rob took in a deep breath, before approaching them closer than he had before. “Look,” he said, “I’m just trying to figure out shit with Jane—“

“Well holy shit!” Sam about shouted, “I never would’ve guessed!”

“Look,” Rob about spat out, “I don’t want things to get any more fucked up. So just…help me out here.”

“So…you don’t want to fuck Mia?” Sam asked. Rob half-jokingly punched him in the shoulder. But just enough to hurt.

Before they could continue, Jane and Mia walked around the corner, and soon enough, all of them were off on a night on the town. One that couldn’t end soon enough.