[IC] In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

[megatrash]

Jane awoke slowly in a drug-induced haze, and without a thought, reached an arm over to grasp Rob beside her only to be grip the sheets next to her. An eye popped open at the discovery of him not being next to her, and she groaned at remembering that he hadn't come back with her. She was flooded with an almost immediate sensation of loneliness.

"Shit."

Jane never enjoyed physical loneliness. She filled nights and mornings with one night stands or friends to touch and hold, sensually or platonic, to keep any notion of isolation at bay. But mentally? No. Jane loved her freedom and the lack of attachment she felt to the world. The feeling that if she died, she would have no one to truly miss in the afterlife. She thrived on it.

But, now? Here she was, alone in a big bed, not only craving to be held and touched, but to be cared for, to be asked how she was and to have conversations about anything however trivial or important, to be comforted, but most importantly, to be loved and appreciated.

All by Rob.

The thought made her shudder. She was growing to be dependent on him - a characteristic in people she hated.

After the revelation, however, she still attempted to call Rob, only for it to go straight to voicemail.

She scratched at her messy hair with frustration before forcing herself out of bed out to the patio to enjoy a joint and a cigarette.

After staring at the shattered screen for a moment, she sent out two texts, one to Austin, and another to Andy, but they both read the same:

"Come smoke with me."

A half an hour later, both Andy and Austin were on the patio with Jane, passing a blunt back and forth and drinking beers. The two had seemed to hit it off: they had similar taste in music and were laughing and joking together. Both had long hair and the same clothing style.

"Thanks for coming over, guys," Jane smiled in sincerity as she passed the blunt to Austin and held the smoke in her lungs.

Austin nodded. "Of course, J. Where's Rob?"

Andy answered. "He went off with Trent and Zoe somewhere. Haven't heard from them since."

Jane did her best to keep a poker face, but Austin, as always, read her like a book.

"What's wrong, J?" Austin asked as he passed the blunt to Andy.

"Nothing, nothing," she replied quietly as she shook her head.

"Oh come on, I know you better than that. And after I read your lyrics, I definitely know it's not only the pressure from the next leg of the tour."

She sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know, man. Things are just... weird. It's like, every time we have a good day, it's followed by a weird one. There's always some sort of unspoken tension in the air."

"Jane, if you don't mind me asking, why are you even in a relationship?" Andy asked, handing the paraphernalia to her.

"What does that mean?" Jane asked as her curious expression turned to an annoyed one.

"He's right, dude," Austin began. "I would've bet a grand that I wouldn't see you dating someone within the next five years, let alone on tour. With Rob."

"I mean, he wanted something exclusive. I guess I kinda made a sacrifice so I could be with him."

Andy passed her the blunt. "You sacrificed your freedom because you wanted to try things with him," he clarified. "Well, what did Rob sacrifice, then?"

"I don't know," Jane breathed out along with smoke. "Being with someone emotionally stable? Someone who's tits and ass aren't all over the Internet? Someone who will never settle down or want kids and shit?"

"But, J," Austin shook his head, "he knew you were all those things. He still went for it." Austin plucked the blunt from her fingers and took a hit. "Did you know Rob would want you two to be exclusive?"

"No, I guess not. I mean, I knew it was an option, but I didn't really expect him to ask it of me."

Andy jumped in. "I know it's none of our business, but why are you the one here feeling all upset about the relationship while he's out with Zoe?"

His words hit Jane like a ton of bricks. "I don't..." Her voice trailed off.

"I know it's hard to hear, J," Austin said quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "But, you haven't been yourself since you've been with Rob. You're not as confident and fun. You seem like you're always off. Questioning yourself."

Jane rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Yeah," she could only whisper.

"Sorry, Jane," Andy apologized.

"Maybe you should renegotiate. Figure out what would make you both happy," Austin advised.

"I've already grown so attached," she shook her head.

"Yeah," Austin replied, "but that's not like you, J. Are you happy?"

Jane remained silent.

The two men on either side of her frowned slightly, and Andy placed a friend hand on her knee and squeezed lightly. "I'm here for you if you need to talk."

"Me, too," Austin chimed in.

"Thanks a lot, guys," Jane said sarcastically, but smirked.

After another hour of drinking, Jane walked the guys to the door and hugged them both. Although she was glad to have friends to talk some sense into her, she felt more confused than before they got there. What was she supposed to do? Ask to turn things down a notch? Ask to see other people? Continue on like everything's fine?

It's not like things were bad, but Austin was right. Jane wasn't being herself. She spent most of her days trying to read Rob, which was usually futile. She was sure that after the pictures were leaked, he had his own doubts about what was happening between them. But what were they supposed to do about it?

After cleaning up the mess they had made on the patio, Jane crawled into bed once again to try to sleep off the sour mood she was in. She put her earbuds in and played Angel by Massive Attack, mindlessly humming along underneath the comforter before falling asleep after trying to ignore the lonliness she felt.

------------------

At some point in the night, Jane had turned over and became aware of the body next to her. Rob.

She sighed in frustration at the day, but couldn't help but smile at his presence. He was the source of all of her emotions lately, good or bad, but none of those could trump the craving she had to be in his arms at that moment, so Jane wiggled her body closer to him so that she could nuzzle up against his chest as she always did.

She took a deep breath once she was comfortable, and she could smell the usual mixture of weed and cologne, but there was another scent she couldn't put her finger on.

She took another deep breath. Was it...perfume? No, it couldn't be. At this point, Jane was now sniffing him. It was the undeniable scent of perfume on him.

Maybe Zoe had just sprayed on too much and transferred it when she hugged him. She didn't seem like much of a hugger, though.

Her mind began racing as she laid there in his arms, attempting not to completely freak out. When had she become jealous? Maybe because he had been the one who asked for them to be exclusive, yet was spending half of his free time with someone else, while Jane drove herself crazy trying to make sense of him and what he thought of her.

She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away and took a deep breath to avoid it getting even more worked up.

"It's nothing, Jane. It's nothing. You're crazy."

A silent half an hour came and went by the time Jane convinced herself to stand up from the wire table and make the trek back to the hotel and whatever awaited her there.

With her slender fingers, she slid in her earbuds once again, but the song she chose this time was sombe: Caught by the Light by The Boxer Rebellion. A mixture of both the abandoned and dark city streets, the vibrations underneath her feet, and the fact that deciding to be with Rob may have been a huge mistake contributed to the tears that were flowing down her face as she pushed herself down the street.

------------------

Jane awoke at her usual early hour and quietly left the room as to not disturb Rob after an attempt to fall back asleep. She couldn't stay there in his grasp with all of the emotions she was feeling; it was too much.

She opted to grab her longboard and roam the dark, empty streets of Minneapolis until she came across a Starbucks that was just opening. After ordering a black coffee, she sat outside alone with a cigarette.

If she was to be completely honest, Jane was nervous to go back to the room and try to work through the unspoken tension that seemed to continually grow between her and Rob. Maybe she could just ask him what was wrong first so that he could lay it out. He was usually better at discussing how he was feeling, anyway. But what if everything was fine on his end? What if this was all one sided?

But then why was he constantly running off to hang out with Zoe? Why did he smell like her last night?

"Fuck," she whispered to herself. Jane truly didn't know what to do. She didn't want to lose Rob, but something obviously wasn't working. She felt like all her efforts to not lose him were pushing him further away from her.

------------------

Jane eventually arrived at the suite, but she couldn't seem to convince herself to go back into the room, so she laid down on the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket.

It was funny. This whole time, Jane worried about breaking Rob's heart. That her carefree mentally and selfish ways would leave him hurting and she would get away scot-free. But now, she was feeling ripped apart by him. Especially by the way he looked at her after the pictures got leaked. It was almost one of regret, or at least it looked that way, but Jane couldn't blame him. Why would a great guy like Rob want to be with a girl like her?

And how did something that should be so simple - being with the man she had known and loved for so long - cause such grief within her?

Jane buried her face into the decorative pillow on the couch and groaned. The day had just begun, and she already wanted it to be over.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob awoke to a cold bed, and he was not surprised. He had been awake since he felt her leave him. And soon enough, the mind began to wander:

Faded memories of last night filled his consciousness—his long discussions with Zoe and Trent, his escape from his current situation and his reality, and his ever-unsatisfied, conflicted feelings.

Reality set it not much later—the need for them to leave in a few hours for Kansas City. The fact that Rob would most likely be meeting with Harold this evening, and recording the song in the long hours of the night. The nude photographs that lit up every blog, forum, subreddit, and board on the internet, that seemed to demand an answer. Retribution for days long past.

Jane had left this bed, and he could not blame her. No matter her suggestion that Rob go out, he was giving into a part of himself that he forgot he had; his independence. Perhaps it was this need for it that drove him to Vicarious as well. Trent and Zoe asked for very little in return for their friendship. Jane may not have asked as much as others, but it was his own self that was asking so much. His own drive that had doomed him to fail and set himself up on a brutal, self-fulfilling prophesy.

But real life was rarely so romantic. His interactions with Jane and others less flowery prose upon paper and more short, fragmented sentences. And perhaps he could reason with his own self, and convince his own consciousness of the merit of his actions, but the truth was, no body else saw that. Nobody else cared. The five percent of his endless drivel that he released out into the world only served to confused and conflict others. No doubt Jane was off somewhere, doubting the terms and conditions of their relationship.

Because he was, too. He gave too little to her. Implied too much. Ran off at the first sign of conflict or exploded under the slightest of pressures. His fear of opening Jane up to his own feelings, for whatever reason he had within himself to do so, was ruining it all.

And thinking of Jane, Rob certainly didn’t want to hurt her. In fact, in his own way, he had protected himself; built walls around how he felt and didn’t let anyone really know or understand the truth. And fuck just basic communication—they rarely even spoke to each other more. And the only reason Zoe knew anything, for that matter, was because she couldn’t hurt him.

And Jane could. She really, truly could. And to protect his own interests he felt as if he was suffocating her. Blocking her from her own internal feelings and desires. He simply wasn’t giving enough. And to think in this manner only served to make him feel bad, then feel bad for even feeling that guilt, and on and on and on it would go.

Rob had to climb out of bed. He had to go find her. He had to tell her the truth. And with everything he had in him he forced himself up, forced himself to dressed, and forced himself out the door, hoping to see her.

And he did.

She lay on the couch outside. Odd really—seeing her where the stereotypical man might find himself after a night of conflict.

Her face buried itself within a pillow, and her blonde hair wove around in gentle strokes across the edges of the couch itself. Rob sat himself upon a chair nearby and waited diligently for her attention.

As soon as he had it, he began.

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he said, “and…I’m sorry for having to be so serious right now.”

He knew there would be many more apologies to follow, but he pressed on—refusing to silence how he felt. In order to gain any traction, he’d surely have to be direct.

“I uh, I know shit’s been weird between us lately. I think we both know that. And, I haven’t been completely honest or completely fair about how I felt. And it isn’t the interview thing, or the pictures, or any of that.”

Rob looked down for a moment, then shot his eyes back up to hers. He had to.

“I’m not being fair to you,” he said. “I keep running off because it’s easier. I keep avoiding the problem because I don’t want there to be one.”

He remembered the words he had said to her on the rooftop:

I fucked up. I don’t talk to people like I should. I let people walk away from me. I never let anyone know how I feel.

It was so funny, how even after admitting it, he didn’t seem to learn a damn thing.

“I guess I asked too much of us. No, I asked too much of me. I thought I could handle being open, but I guess that interview proved I’m not ready for it. Even if I think I am.”

Rob’s emotions were at an all-time high; a sort of strange complex he had developed. The closer he came to expressing the truth, the more he panicked. The more he grew scared. After a lifetime of being torn apart, he wasn’t ready to show anyone what lay beneath.

“You asked me what I wanted out of this,” Rob said, “but I should’ve asked you. And, I guess, I’m asking you now. And trust me, I really didn’t want to talk about this, but—“

Rob stopped himself. “Whatever. Fuck what I want right now. I want to know how you feel.”

[megatrash]

Jane’s eyes widened gradually as Rob confessed how he had been feeling about their time together. Although she wanted to talk about everything with him, she didn’t expect him to pour out his emotions to her like he just had, and it, for a few moments, put her in a state of shock.

“I, uh,” she began, “thanks for telling me.” She rubbed an eye and straightened her postures o that she could face him with her legs crossed in front of her.

What was she supposed to say to him? Any sort of clear thought she had in her head before she was face to face with him now vanished instantly, leaving her struggling to find words to describe how she felt. It wasn’t like Jane wanted things to end with Rob; that was the opposite, actually. But then what did she want?

“I think, for the first time, I really don’t know what I want.” It felt so idiotic coming out of her mouth. Clichéd. Like no matter how much she meant the sentiment, it sounded so disingenuous. But it was the truth.

“You’re great, Rob. You wouldn’t have been my best friend this whole time if you weren’t, you know?” Jane paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. “But, all this weirdness in the air. The fact that you don’t wanna deal with whatever issues come up, it’s like… I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too much to deal with.”

Her own words cut her deep.

“It was different when I was just your friend, yeah? Although you always took care of me, it’s different now. I can tell by the way you look at me.” Her eyes shot down at the floor as if she was unable to both be truly honest with him and handle his glare at the same time. Jane felt extremely vulnerable in that moment, and her knees subconsciously made their way up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them as some sort of protection.

“I’m a large pill to swallow. I’ve always known it. I guess I thought you already knew it, too.” Her chin rested one of her scarred knees as she spoke, but as she finished her sentence, her lips pressed against it as she sat in thought, deliberating on how to continue.

“I love you, Rob. I always will. Our friendship has already made you staple in my life. I love the sex. I love the time I spend with you. Laughing with you, playing music with you…” her voice trailed off. “I’m just afraid that one fight or one thing going wrong will make me lose you. That’s all I thought about when the pictures were leaked.”

She felt her voice waver and immediately stopped speaking before it got worse. Her forehead now rested on her knees as she sat in silence across from Rob until she mustered up the courage to continue.

“If you aren’t ready for all this, I get it,” she voice said quietly, muffled by her legs.

Maybe she had been right all along – if her and Rob got into something more serious than just a friendship, she could lose him forever if things went south. It all hurt so much; Jane felt as though she was crumbling, and the fact that her prideful inner-voice was berating her for it right now made matters worse.

Rob seemed to already be gripping onto the last amounts of freedom he could find now, and Jane worried if she would start to feel that way, too. Currently, she had no desires to sleep with anyone else, but how long would that really last?

Jane couldn’t bring head back up to face him, so she sat there in silence waiting for Rob to tell her what he wanted.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s own guilt seems to only strengthen with each word Jane said. She seemed to blame herself for the whole ordeal. And it wasn’t like Rob was waiting and hoping to be blamed for the issues. But he couldn’t help but feel like most of this was on him,

Both of them clearly weren’t in a good state of mind. This discussion was hard, and hurt, but it was something that needed to happen. Before whatever Harold would put them through. Before the recording of this next song. Before he let things go too far with Zoe, possibly. He wasn’t sure of anything at this point.

”I love you, Rob. I always will.”

Something about her admission was so painful to hear. To understand that somebody cared so deeply about him, only to be so lost and confused by his own actions…it was a bit much to bear in this moment. Perhaps most people would feel so much more comforted by these words, especially from somebody they cared about. But in this moment it was so much more like a sad truth—a reminder of how much he felt like he had fucked up.

“I don’t—“ Rob started, before choking on the words. He too had to look away-his eyes growing moist. As if the stress of the situation wasn’t already hard enough.

“I guess, we just moved so quickly,” he stuttered out. “We weren’t really ready for what that meant.”

So much of his wanted to tell her that he loved her back. But there was a certain weight to those words that he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud. Not even to someone that he truly cared about.

“I don’t want to set rules about anything anymore,” he continued, on his previous thought. “I don’t want you to ever feel suffocated. I don’t want to loose you. Or any of the fun we’ve had these past few days, because while shit got weird, I’ve also never felt so happy. I mean, nothing else is wrong. And…lord knows the sex is great.”

He tried to smile for himself. The words of Zoe echoed in his head, Always talking. Always thinking.

Regardless of what she was or what she wanted, Zoe had a very good point. And, Jane had always told him, she couldn’t be a typical girlfriend. In this moment, it wasn’t something Rob had wanted anyway. In fact, he didn’t even know what he wanted. At this point, all he could think of was keeping the band afloat and keeping Jane in his life. And if that meant trying something new, so be it.

“Maybe,” Rob tried, “we should just tune it down a bit.”

The words stung him the moment they came out of his mouth, but he continued: “I mean, I’ve love to keep what we’ve got physically and all, but, I don’t know…I still feel like I forced you into something you weren’t expecting. So, uh, maybe we could try out being casual for a bit.”

That word in particular was something Rob hated more than anything. Casual. It meant a thousand things to a thousand people, to the point where it really didn’t mean much. Rob wasn’t sure what he was even implying when he said it. Did he mean they could see other people? Did he mean they needed to be more apart? He wasn’t sure himself. Perhaps it was better that way. That both of the would work out their own meaning of casual.

He couldn’t tell Jane’s reaction from expressions alone, but he worried she would think it was about the Zoe thing. It surely wasn’t; it was about making sure Rob didn’t fuck up either of them and both of them were free to be, well, them.

Right? It wasn’t about Zoe.

Right?

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Rob repeated. “Not anymore than I fear I already have.”

[megatrash]

Word by word, Rob was crushing her as he spoke, but when she lifted her head up from her knees, her facial expression remained neutral. Knowing him, she couldn’t make him feel bad for telling the truth, or else he’d never tell her anything again.

“Okay,” her raspy voice squeaked.

Casual? What the hell did casual mean now? At home, of course, Jane was all too familiar with casual. If there was someone she was interested in further than just sex, she still would only see them maybe once a week, not bother to text/call, and avoid any talk about feelings or the future. But, now, with Rob, how was she supposed to do that? There was no room to give each other space. Between the van, the hotel, the shows, and recording time, when was there time to be apart?

“I’m, uh…”

Jane felt paralyzed. She had begun the day having no idea what she wanted, but at least now, she knew what she didn’t want: to feel like this. Or to be there.

“I’m gonna go,” she said quietly, avoiding eye contact with Rob. “I’ll be back later.”

She stood up and gathered her things from the bedroom, including her sunglasses to hide any tears that might have been forming, and headed for the front door of the apartment. Her hand hovered over the lever for a moment, deciding if she wanted to end a conversation of this magnitude this way, but Jane was hurt. And when Jane got hurt, she got angry.

She swung open the door and headed to the elevator as she pulled out her phone.

Jane: What do you have?
Andy: Unless you’re looking for meth, I probably have it.
Jane: What’s the address?

Jane took an Uber to the location Vicarious’ tour bus was parked, which was a large parking lot of a plaza seemingly abandoned for a couple of years. She could hear muffled music from inside, and Jane braced herself before pounding on the door.
The door opened to reveal Zoe, looking unamused at their guest.
“I’m, uh, I’m here for Andy,” Jane replied to her glare. She didn’t want to look at her; she could be part of the reason why Rob had said what he did. What if he had become more interested in Zoe than herself? She did seem low-maintenance, and she definitely didn’t have nude photos leaked or a promiscuous reputation.

Zoe turned around and walked back to where she was sitting, leaving the door open for Jane to enter.

“Thanks,” she whispered sarcastically as she headed towards the back of the bus to find Andy and Trent smoking a joint.

“Hey, guys,” Jane nodded as she sat on the couch across from them.

“Hey, Jane,” Andy smiled as he finished his share and handed the joint to Trent. His facial expression changed to a concerned one as he looked at Jane. “Uh, Trent, can you give us a second?”

One they were alone, Andy leaned forward on the bed to observe her more closely. “What happened?”

“Rob basically asked if we could be friends with benefits,” Jane scoffed as she admitted it, removing the sunglasses from her face. “I poured my heart out, apologizing for how I act and who I am, I told him how much I cared about him and loved him, and that’s what I got.”

Andy got up off the bed and sat next to her, taking her into his arms. “I’m sorry, Jane. But, maybe this is for the better. You said yourself things had been really weird.”

“I don’t think he had bad intentions, but… I don’t know. I always try to tell him, even though its completely against my nature, how he’s this and that, how much I care about him. I’ve been trying so hard to show him in the ways I know he’ll understand. But, he just runs off. Usually here, I think. He doesn’t tell me how he feels about me. He just leaves me guessing all the time.”

“But, Jane,” Andy began as he rubbed her shoulder, “You shouldn’t have to try that hard and change yourself just to keep him satisfied. That’s not fair.”

“I know,” Jane replied, her voice muffled by Andy’s shoulder. “I’m just too potent.”

Andy chuckled. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m better in smaller doses to multiple people rather in one large dose for one person. Does that make sense?” Jane laughed at herself as she wiped a tear from her eye.

“Yes, yes it does,” Andy smiled as he looked down to her. “But some people like large doses.”

Jane looked up to him and couldn’t help but smirk. “Speaking of, can you show me your inventory?”

------------------

A few hours later, after smoking some weed and lounging around the bus for a while, Jane and Andy were at a shitty bar down the street from where the bus was parked armed with a baggie of blow and full pack of cigarettes. It was only four in the afternoon, but the bar seemed to already begin filling up, which prompted Jane to ask: “What day is it?”

Andy chuckled at the question. “Saturday.”

Jane grinned goofily. “I don’t even know what month it is anymore.”

Time seemed to pass rather quickly, and both Andy and Jane had a good buzz on when the time reached 6:00 PM, and the bar grew darker as the music grew louder. Most of the patrons seemed to be of college age, and most of the music being played was something to dance to.

“Okay, you’re turn,” Andy laughed, taking a sip of his beer but keeping his eyes locked on Jane.

“Hmm,” Jane put a finger to her mouth as she thought. “Oh! My mom caught me making out with my friend in my room when I was seventeen. She fucking flipped out. She immediately assumed I was a full-blown lesbian and began screaming ‘Damnit, Jane! I want grandkids!’ over and over again. I was mortified.” Jane began to erupt in laughter as she recalled the memory. “The poor girl wouldn’t talk to me for a month. My mom saw her at the one school function she attended and apologized. It was a mess.”

Andy joined her in laughter. “I bet your mom had fun raising you, huh?”

Although talking about her mother was usually a painful thing, Jane was in a state where she didn’t feel bothered by it. “Oh, man. Yeah, I was pretty awful. I didn’t mean it, though. I was just having fun.”

Their eyes locked in silence for a moment, and Andy reached up to her face to remove a stray strand of hair that had fallen in front of it.

At first, Jane shuttered at his touch, causing him to yank his hand back. “Sorry,” he apologized, although he didn’t sound very remorseful.

“Don’t be.”

Dangerous by Big Data began to boom from the speakers lining the large bar’s walls, and patrons began to flood the open area of the floor to dance, causing Jane to smile. “You wanna dance?”

Andy grinned back at her. “Sure.”

Jane grabbed his hand, pulled him up from the bar stool, and dragged him out onto the crowded floor filled with drunk young adults like themselves. At first, things were friendly between the two, and they laughed as they danced, but eventually as different songs came on and the floor got more crowded, they got closer and closer.

For a while, she had completely forgotten about Rob and the conversation she left behind in the hotel room. Maybe she would be okay after all.

But, as they were dancing, Andy’s lips had lightly grazed her neck, and his warm breath caused a chill down her spine. But the euphoric feeling she had felt was almost immediately replaced by guilt when her mind started flashing to visions of Rob. She realized she hadn’t even checked her phone since she arrived at the tour bus.

“I should probably get going,” she yelled over the loud, thumping music.

Andy nodded, and after paying their tab, they both exited the bar and waited in the dark night for their Ubers. Jane’s was the first one to arrive.

“Oh shit. What do I owe you for the baggie?” she asked as she began to dig around for cash in her purse.

“It’s on the house,” Andy replied quietly.

“No, Andy, let me pay you.”

“Seriously,” he said, putting a hand on her arm to keep her from digging in her purse. “I don’t mind.”

“Thank you,” she smiled as she wrapped her arms around her neck to hug him. “And thanks for today. I feel a lot better.” Jane kissed his cheek and waved him farewell.

Although she did feel better, she also felt confused. Jane didn’t know what Rob wanted from her. Was it truly all physical now? Did she break some unspoken code that he wanted her to uphold? She really enjoyed Andy’s company. A lot. And she was sure if it wasn’t for what her and Rob had, things would’ve gone further with him then they did. That’s what Jane was so confused about. He was the one who asked to be exclusive. He was the one who got upset when she kissed Lena. Yet, he had been leaving her every day to hang out with someone else, and now wanted things to be ‘casual’?

It all felt like a slap in the face.

Jane finally arrived at the hotel and stumbled her way up to the room. She attempted to be quiet in case Rob was sleeping, but after staring at the closed bedroom door, she decided not to open it. She thought it’d be better not to know if he was there or not. Instead, she made her way to the second room in the apartment and locked the door quietly before throwing herself onto the bed and throwing her clothes and purse in the corner.

She still wanted to cry, and the comedown she was experiencing was probably making her emotions run at an all-time high, but the alcohol in her system eventually led her into a coma-like sleep.

[HangYourSecrets]

Fuck.

As soon as the door had shut behind Jane, Rob knew.

In his rush to confront the emotions he was feeling and hastily talking to Jane without realizing the weight of his words, he had irrevocably altered the state of the relationship. His mind could endlessly play out a thousand ways of the thousands of words he could have said, but it didn’t matter anymore.

Jane left.

…

Several hours later, Rob found himself back in the hideout Trent and Zoe had found the night before. But it was daytime, and the footfalls of other park patrons echoed within the empty walls as they passed nearby. It was some time before Zoe slipped into the hideout, sitting opposite Rob. She took in a deep breath, and the two didn’t say much at first.

“I’m guessing it’s about—“ Zoe started, before Rob could feel her eyes lock onto his. He knew they were probably a deep, bloodshot red at this point. Died salt itched at his sinuses, giving the air a nasty smell.

“That bad?’

Rob nodded. He felt much more stable than he had the past few hours; the nicotine and alcohol had helped, and it was aways better with a buzz.

“This one’s on me,” he said. He felt his legs slipping closer to his chest. “I know she was worried. She talks to Andy some. I’m sure he’s talked about he and you hanging out a lot. And after the fight and she got sick…I thought I was hurting her by doing all this to get away. So I asked if we could be casual.”

“Oh, no,” Zoe said, her soft voice giving off just a slight bit of rasp as she said it. “You didn’t…”

“I did,” Rob said. He nodded to himself to give him the reassurance that it had actually happened. “For me I thought I was sparing her while I figured me out. She probably thought I was asking for a license to fuck.”

“And you didn’t tell her any of that, I’m assuming?” Zoe asked.

“What do I say?” Rob said. His voice raised slightly in defense. “Look, at this point in my life, I don’t know how to justify any of the shit I feel. I haven’t had a serious relationship in years, and even that was basically casual sex. Maybe I gave off the impression that I wanted something serious at some point in my life. Jane thought it, surely. She even told me. But she could’ve been a fucking nun this whole tour and I doubt the outcome would’ve been the same. I doubt I would’ve been here with you. Because I don’t know what I want and I end up fucking it up for other people. I fucked up the band when I was trying to tell her and I’m fucking it up now.”

Zoe sat silent, letting Rob ramble on.

“She does so much shit for me, you know that? Like, she does everything in her power to make sure I’m happy and I just run off. Then I ask to tone it down. And then, I’m fucking narcissistic enough to think I am the one that’s doing her the favor! Why can’t I just be who she thinks I am, you know? She thinks I deserve someone constant. That she’s the crazy one.”

Zoe sat up, brushing some black strands of hair from her face. “Look,” she started, “I’m not the biggest Jane fan. You know that. Personally, it pisses me off that she gets up that and goes all ‘female-empowerment’ on everyone when her whole image is based off of the novelty of a promiscuous rocker woman. And I get it, she probably didn’t design her image, but that’s besides the point. I sit behind the bass and I play music, and if people care that I’m a woman, great. But I won’t flaunt it and take advantage of the fact that people give a shit about that sort of thing now.”

She sighed. “That being said, for all your thoughts and feelings, or whatever, you sure do the minimum amount of talking. And, I mean, shit, I’m sure you’ve told me more than she’s ever heard.”

Rob’s silence proved her point.

“Do you even want to hang out with Jane anymore?” Zoe asked.

“Of course I do,” Rob said. “She’s my best friend. I just don’t know about this romance we’ve started. It’s made everything so fucking—“

Rob’s mouth stopped moving the moment Zoe’s lips crashed onto his.

For a brief moment, Rob was frozen, stuck between receiving her kiss and pushing in deeper into it. But before he could make the choice, his head slipped back, and he opened his eyes, locking onto Zoe’s.

Both of them were stuck just inches from each other’s face. Both breathed in heavily, coming to terms with what had happened. But Zoe’s face hardened first, and she sat back, leaning against the wall once more.

“If you didn’t want to be with Jane,” Zoe said, “you would’ve fucked me by now.”

As Rob tied together the pieces of information, Zoe slipped out of the hideout, traveling back to the path and far away, until her footsteps could be heard no more. But before she had gone back earshot, he heard her say:

“You’re loyal. I’ll give you that much.”

—

By nightfall, Rob had been stationed in the hotel’s bar and drunk far past the limit. The hotel manager that had been so kind as to let him slip out the back had to come out and quietly tell him they could not serve him anymore. They did, however, offer a bottle of spirits in return for Rob’s cooperation, as they led him to his room.

And as the door shut behind him, Rob was alone, massively drunk, and holding even more alcohol. The lights were off, and Rob barely set the bottle onto the counter, nearly missing it completely. Next, he slipped into the main bedroom, only to find Jane missing.

Odd, he thought to himself. His wasted mind could only think in sparse sentences. It’s late. I wonder where she is.

Rob slipped out into the bathroom, but couldn’t find her there. Next was the kitchen (he had already seen that. Why did he check again?) and the living room, before finally, the second bedroom.

The handle clicked softly as Rob tried to turn it—denying him passage into the room.

A wave of even more self-pity crashed over Rob—enough to send him wandering back to the kitchen and throwing up into the sink. His body shuddered as it looked to the contents of his stomach. It was nearly pure beer, it had seemed.

Moving through his own haze, Rob slipped into the bedroom, fell onto the covers, and fell asleep in half a minute.

—

And he was quickly awoken by banging at the door.

“Rob!” A muffled voice called out. “Jane!”

Rob picked himself up, wiping dried vomit from his mouth from the night before, and walked to the door.

Shit, he thought to himself, how many times did I throw up last night?

He opened the door to find a very panicked Austin.

“Dude, where have you—“ he started, before noticing just how bad Rob looked. ”Holy. Shit.”

“What?” Rob asked.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so much like shit in my life, dude,” Austin said honestly. “What happened to your arm?”

Rob looked down to see dried blood sprawled out randomly across his left forearm. Shrugging he looked back up to Austin. “I don’t know.”

“Jane?” Austin asked.

Rob shrugged.

“I was going to say,” Austin tried to continue, “Where have you been? But you clearly don’t know. So I’ll figure it out later. But we were supposed to leave for Kansas City yesterday.”

“What?” Rob asked. His incredulous voice showed Austin he was genuinely serious, but the more his mind tried to awaken from the straight poison that flowed through it the night before, the more he realized—they were supposed be in Kansas City.

“Look,” Austin continued, “Sam and I got caught up with other things, too, so it’s not just you and Jane. But Harold is blowing his fucking top over this. He wanted to cancel tonight’s concert so we’d have more time to record. And, looking at you, man, we probably should.” Austin looked over Rob’s shoulder, seemingly for Jane, before: “Whatever. We’ll talk later. Just pack your shit and get into the van as soon as possible. We’re parked out back.”

Rob nodded, closing the door on Austin and moving to the kitchen. He methodically cleaned his arm, and looked at the time as he did so:

7:07 A.M.

Rolling his eyes, moved forward, and knocked twice on the door Jane lay behind.

“Hey,” he called out. He tried to hide his slurred speech. “Apparently we were supposed to be in Kansas City yesterday. I’ll, uh, meet you at the van, then. It’s out back.”

Rob froze for a moment in front of her door.

“Sorry,” was all he managed to say, before throwing his things into a bag, leaving the room, and making it into the van as quick as he could.

It all felt like a blur. A dry, emotionless blur. After the night he had before, all he wanted to do was sleep. He didn’t even talk to anyone when he got into the van; he simply slipped over to the back bench, only to find it occupied with two new amps.

“I found a cool tone out of these in a shop downtown,” Sam started. “I wanted to use them for the new track, and I didn’t know if Kansas City would have them, so…”

Sam droned on, far past Rob’s level of caring, so he tossed the pillow on the floor in front of the seat, sprawled out of the floor, and draped his blanket over himself.

Kansas couldn’t come soon enough.

[megatrash]

This was one of the loneliest night’s sleep on tour. One, she had gotten turned on by dancing with Andy, to be frank. Especially after feeling his lips and warm breath on her skin, although it did strike guilt into her. And two, she was used to having Rob’s long, muscular arms wrapped around her every night. No matter how angry she felt at him for what he explain to her, she still longed for him. And that pissed her off even more.

Jane was awoken out of her coma-like sleep by a knock on her door, followed by Rob’s muffled voice. Before even opening her eyes, she groaned loudly. Without even taking time to process his words, Jane swung her legs over the side of the bed and rubbed her face.

Sitting in the van with Rob was the last thing she wanted to do. Imagining how potentially tense things would be made her want to crawl under the bed and let the band go on without her, but she reluctantly tugged a thin, black shirt over her head and slid into jean shorts before dumping everything into her duffle bag and meeting the guys downstairs.

As she climbed into the van, she noticed Rob’s feet on the floor behind the row she decided on, but Jane couldn’t muster up the courage to peer over the seat and look at him. Instead, she worked to make herself comfortable by laying down in an almost fetal position with her hoodie as a pillow.

Her phone vibrated near her stomach, and when she read the text on the screen, she couldn’t hold back a smile.

Andy: I had a really fun time with you last night.

Jane bit her lip for a moment before responding. Was she feeling… butterflies?

Jane: Me too. Thanks for everything.

Another text came through only a minute later.

Andy: It was nice seeing you smile again.

The text Andy had sent made Jane feel a mix of emotions. She was happy be flirting with someone new; it always brought her a sense of excitement. But it also made her feel like she was fulfilling her own prophecy – that she wouldn’t be able to date someone without seeking comfort from someone else. But, thinks with Rob were ‘casual’ now, so did she really need to feel guilty at all? And had she really been that bummed out each time she saw Andy? After really thinking on it, Jane realized he was right. Each time she had seen Andy, there was some new, fucked up piece from the story of Rob and Jane.

Andy was right - perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be.

Jane: Well, you definitely played a big part in that.

Still, it felt so wrong talking to someone else like this.

Andy: Glad I could help.

Jane pursed her lips as she locked the phone and held it near her chest, deep in thought of where this thing would lead with Andy if she let it. He didn’t seem to be the serious type, and he also didn’t seem like he would run away at any sign of conflict, leaving Jane stranded with her thoughts and blaming herself after she tried so hard to satisfy him.

Yes, she was holding in a lot of anger, and usually, she would just let it out to satisfy her own needs, but the situation seemed so fragile. And now, they had to go record a song, then travel to a new set of countries none of them have even heard of.

Jane took out her phone once more to shoot Andy a text back.

Jane: Did your manager confirm for Europe yet?

Andy: We should be hearing back from him tonight. It could go either way.

While it was exciting to know that Andy and Vicarious could be coming along with them, the thoughts of Zoe being around was enough to dampen her enthusiasm. Did Rob run off with her last night just like she had with Andy?

Just hearing Zoe’s name was enough to allow rage to bubble inside of Jane. She had always hated the unspoken cattiness many girls subscribed to, and it was one of the reasons that high school was nearly unbearable, but now she felt like she was in the same boat again. The mean girl in class that is trying to steal her boyfriend.

A new question arose in Jane: Was Zoe playing a part in Rob’s change of heart? Could she have been amplifying her flaws to Rob so that he’d reconsider what they had started?

She realized that was a way to place the blame on someone else, so no matter how much better (yet worse) the thought made her feel, Jane decided not to linger on it. It wouldn’t help anyone to assume things. For now.

Austin popped his head over the seat in front of Jane and pinged her forehead. “You look rough.”

Jane swatted his hand away and smirked. “I went out with Andy last night. It snowed.”

“Ah,” Austin said, understanding the euphemism. “Have left overs?”

Jane stuck her tongue out. “Maybe. Wanna hang out tonight?”

“For sure, dude. I think Kansas might be a little boring.”

Both of them laughed before Austin settled back down into his seat, leaving Jane alone once again. Her pride wasn’t going to let her talk to Rob, at least not yet. She wasn’t ready to hear anything else hurtful from him; she had her share yesterday.

Jane opted for sleeping off the rest of the hangover in the van. “Wake me up when we get there, Aust?”

“You got it,” Austin replied as he waved a hand over the seat.

[HangYourSecrets]

The first thing Rob noticed when he came to was that he smelled awful.

His long hair had curled from lack of care and was laced with dirt and oil. Perhaps having his head so close to the floor of the van wasn’t helping him in this department.

His arms were sore from being contorted in the van for several hours, and random parts of his body ached from their positioning as well. He blinked twice, looking up to the burred ceiling of the van until it came into focus, before sitting up and glancing down at his phone.

Before the screen had cut on, he could see his reflection, and felt even more disappointed in himself. Even like this, he could tell lack of sleep and the night before had royally destroyed his appearance. He tried to pay it no mind as the screen cut on, and Rob did the math in his head to figure out how far they would be from Kansas City.

It seemed to be another ninety minutes or so away.

Next he looked over to Jane, who lay curled in the seat ahead of him; her hoodie obscuring her face from his vision. A mixture of frustration, self-loathing, and anger filled him once he allowed himself to think on the events prior to this moment. He wondered briefly if there was anything left to fix, before looking away and making eye contact with Austin. There wasn’t much to say for what Austin may have thought of Rob. His expression said enough.

“I won’t ask,” Austin said, before turning around again. Rob sighed and leaned himself up against the side of the van, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the fact that his band hated him again.

…

Rob woke from his light sleep to feel the van parking itself rather quickly. Outside the windows, the last rays of sunlight were setting over the Kansas horizon, and the flatness of the world beyond was readily apparent. Rob could see the individual buildings much more clearly than in other cities; their silhouettes being accentuated by the gentle rolling landscape. Something was innately beautiful about that, Rob thought to himself.

But, looking up at the front of the van to see what was happening, his thoughts turned quickly to frustration.

They weren’t at a hotel. They were parked in front of another studio. And standing outside this studio was Harold.

Rob hadn’t seen the much in such a long time, but this typical look was still very much the same—as deliberate and precise as ever. He held his hair short and cropped, with a slight quiff on the front end, as if to try and stay relevant past his age. He kept a very specific, detailed five’o’clock shadow, and his dark eyes shot straight into whichever target he had chosen. And in this moment, that target was Rob.

Rob climbed out of the van and approached him, wanting to be over with this conversation. He first held out a hand facetiously, then: “Harold,” he said, short.

Harold shook the hand. “You look like shit.”

“You look the same.”

Harold laughed slightly, possibly from either the awkwardness of the conversation at hand or to lighten the mood (Rob did not know which), and continued. “How are the others?”

“Ask them yourself,” Rob said. “I haven’t really had a conversation with Austin and your son in a week or so.”

“And Jane?”

Even if Harold had a valid excuse to inquire about the relationship between Rob and Jane, it was no less aggravating to have to talk to his manager about that. “We’re working stuff out.”

“So you’re fighting,” Harold said bluntly. “I figured.”

Behind Harold, a familiar face slipped out from the dark of the studio. Looking the same as ever, Aaron approached. He held his own pseudo-hipster style, with the sides and back of his head closely cropped and the top in a long, slicked back style. He dressed like he was heading to a party constantly, but something about seeing an old friend made him feel much better.

“Aaron!” Rob exclaimed, pulling his friend in for a quick embrace. “I thought you were meeting us in Europe.”

“Harold wanted me to get familiar with being around you guys before the trip. Plus, I wanted to slow you the new designs in person. They’re in my hotel room.”

“I’ll have to see them,” Rob smiled. He wanted to keep talking to his friend. Telling him what had been happening. Explaining his frustrations. But other matters were at hand. Namely, Harold: “You ever find a sound guy?” He asked his manager.

Harold shook his head. “Still trying to get a name out of your bandmates,” he explained, “but no luck so far. We can make it through the first two shows or so without it. But tonight, we’ve got to get this song recorded.”

Rob quickly realized why Aaron had been at the studio. And it wasn’t just some surprise. It was a morality-booster orchestrated by Harold after he had heard Jane and Rob were having issues. From Sam, no doubt. The lack of privacy in these matters continued to plant more seeds of frustration in him, but the need to record this song seemed to be great. Their privacy from the press only served as a reminder to the public that something bad was brewing inside In Bloom. And the public could thing it was the photos of Jane that had leaked that had caused the meltdown. In reality, it was just a symptom of a greater problem.

“I’ll do what I can,” Rob said to Harold as he walked past. “But good luck getting the others to play along.”

Tensions were clearly at an all-time high within the group, and Rob was unsure of whether or not the others would play along and record a song in the night. He was surely willing to, however. Whatever it took to put the stress of all of this madness behind him.

Rob went inside, and sat down at the drum set set up for him. Whoever had set it up had clearly been watching Rob play—the style was exactly how he would’ve done it.

Aaron came in soon after and the two talked for a bit, until the other members slipped into the room.

Rob’s major flaw seemed to be growing ever stronger due to the chasm between him and Jane. His tendencies to say nothing as he weighed the world around him only grew stronger as the time passed. And, each time he saw Jane, the idea of trying to approach her and fix things seemed so difficult and stressful, he kept trying to ignore the issue. The frustration of his own flaws and the hole he had dug himself into was only serving to make him desire to ignore the issue.

In short, he was a mess. And he didn’t know what else to do about it besides shut down.

And when he was a mess, he diverted back to what he was always good at—focused, driven drum playing.

But before the session started, Rob thought just slightly of the conversation he had had with Jane in a hotel room what seemed like forever ago. The kiss she had given him—their first. Her sacrifice of her own personality in order to please him. To be with him.

So what the hell had he given up to be with her?

The thought haunted his mind.

[megatrash]

Austin gently nudged Jane to wake her when they pulled into the studio parking lot, ruining the build up of a sensual dream that she forgot the details of after only a few moments of being lucid. She stretched a mumbled to herself before directing her attention out of the window to see Rob greeting someone who looked familiar. "Aaron," she remembered. Jane was happy Rob would have someone on the road to talk with - other than Zoe, of course - because based on how awful he looked, he wasn't doing too well.

At that moment, Jane struggled to wrap her mind around why Rob would be feeling shitty after yesterday's conversation. After all, he was the one who had basically told Jane that what she was bringing to the table was too much to handle, and therefore, he just wanted to be physically intimate with her. What did he have to be upset about? Knowing Jane, he would get what he want due her complete inability to be physically alone for too long. And yes, she could probably satisfy most of her desires with someone else, but it was too soon to tell what jagged line had been drawn during their conversation. Plus, the sex she had with Rob was too good for her to find the willpower to turn down.

At least, for now.

Jane waved at Aaron as she walked past them with Austin, but she didn't stop to greet him, mainly because she wanted to avoid Rob at all costs. Her emotions were still, at best, a whirlwind of uncertainty, and dealing with Rob before she would have to record would only hurt her performance.

"Harold," she smiled as she approached the older man.

"Hi, Jane," he replied, giving her a gentle hug. "I really wanted to apologize in person for all of the - "

"Don't sweat it," she interrupted. "I'm over it. We've got a lot more to focus on now, yeah?"

He nodded in relief. "Yes. Speaking of, remember when I asked you if you knew a sound tech?"

"Shit," she mumbled as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Yes, I'll call him tonight. I completely forgot."

"Thanks. I still have a lot of people calling for press coverage. I don't know if you still want to lay low for now or what, but just keep me posted, okay?" He rubbed her arm. "Let's record something."

Jane sighed and nodded before leaving the conversation to go get something to drink. Austin had followed her to grab a beer when he stopped her.

"What's going on?" he asked quietly as his eyes narrowed.

"Um, I don't know. Rob asked to keep the 'physical' side of our...whatever... the same, but take a step back from everything else."

"Jesus," Austin whispered.

"Yeah. So I don't know what the fuck that means or what I'm supposed to do and not to do, but I don't wanna fucking talk to him to figure it out either." Jane felt anger bubbling up as she spoke, so she took a deep breath before continuing. "Anyway, you still down to do something tonight?"

Austin pulled her in and hugged him before he rustled the hair on top of her hair. "Yeah, kid. Let's go get this shit over with, huh?"

*****

Of course, Austin and Jane were set to go last in the studio after the guitar and drums were tracked. In her free time, she had called an old friend Cameron who had gone to school for sound. He was twenty-six now and happily owning his own business that he operated from a home office in Long Beach. It had been a few months since they had spoken, but they had the type of friendship that didn't require much maintenance.

"Jane Molloy," he answered the phone cheerily. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Hey, Cameron," she laughed. "How's business treating you?"

"Good, good. I've got a few employees, which gives me more time to surf and travel. It's been nice. How's the road? I mean, I've seen the articles and shit, but..."

Jane sighed. "Yeah. It's had its ups and downs, and scandalous moments."

They both laughed.

"I can tell," Cameron chuckled. "I'm sorry that happened. The pictures."

"Eh," Jane replied, "enough people have seen me naked already. What's a few more? Anyway, I wanted to ask, do you have any employees willing to come on the road with us in Europe? I was supposed to figure this out a week ago, but shits been so crazy. The pay would be close to nothing, and they'd have to put up with me, but -"

"Oh stop," he interrupted. "You're always a pleasure. I do have an intern. Lyla. She's working for free now, so I'm sure she'd jump at the opportunity. Let me talk to her and I'll get back to you. Cool?"

"Yeah. Thank you so much, Cam."

"Sure thing, Jane. Call me when you come home, okay?" He requested, his voice taking on a different tone.

"Yeah," Jane smirked. "We'll see."

Jane hung up the phone just as Sam approached her.

"Hey, J, you're up," he said with a sympathetic smile.

"Thanks, Sam," she nodded and nudged his arm. She missed hanging out with him and Austin, but it seemed as though the tour had been pulling them in all different directions.

Jane made herself comfortable in the booth, adjusting the microphone and sitting herself on a stool. She really wasn't in the mood, but if the whole band was on board with putting out a new song, she would have to be too.

*****

An hour had gone by, and Jane couldn't get out much that she was satisfied with. As she completed the last run through, she took the large earphones off her head and set them down almost forcefully.

"Keep what you want. Scrap the rest. I'm done for the night," she announced through the microphone frustratedly then exited the booth, making a beeline for Austin.

"Let's get the fuck outta here, yeah?" she whispered with a smile.

Austin nodded, returning the enthusiasm. "I'll call Andy and see when their set is done."

Jane turned to the rest in the studio and waved a hand. "Austin and I are heading out. See you guys later. Harold, I called my friend, he's gonna get back to me tonight. Can you text me the hotel information?"

Harold nodded, not exactly looking too pleased with Jane leaving.

"Bye, guys."

Jane and Austin called a cab and instructed the driver to take them downtown. She was feeling dangerously reckless, the studio time just icing on the cake of the horrible internal struggle she was having. If she could forget about Rob for at least a night, it would be worth whatever she had to do.

[HangYourSecrets]

It was sometime in the months intervening high school and Aaron’s arrival to State University.

Back then, those summers were lined with days on the beach, time spent between various bars and impromptu road trips to Nevada, Arizona, and beyond.

Aaron and Rob had been very good friends at the time, but Rob was well-aware of what was to come. Going off to college, especially the one several hours away that Aaron had chosen, was certainly going to put a dagger in their relationship. Some would argue that this would be a sad event, but Rob never looked at things that way. He was simply happy to have a friend around, and was certainly not going to make him feel bad or vilify him for chasing his own dreams.

There was a late-summer evening between the two of them. After the afternoon had faded to twilight, the lesser-known beach they had claimed emptied out until it was simply barren. This far from civilization, the sounds surrounding the two were simply the call of the birds and the gentle crashes of the waves.

“I suppose this is it,” Aaron had said, passing the joint along to Rob and looking out into the sky. “Orientation is tomorrow.”

“When do you head out?” Rob asked.

“Probably seven tomorrow morning,” Aaron said flat, then broke into a smile. “Shit, that’s gonna hurt so much.”

Rob laughed alongside him. “Get used to that shit, man. Lecture classes at eight isn’t going to be easy.”

“I know, man,” Aaron said. But then the two went silent, and for a moment, the beach was filled with unspoken tension.

Then:

“You think we’ll ever be like this again?”

“How do you mean?” Rob asked.

“Without worrying about anything. No jobs, no responsibilities. Just weed bummed off of our friends, sitting on a beach. Not worrying.”

Rob thought for a moment. “I guess not,” he sighed. “Although it’s not that bad of a thing. I wouldn’t want to do nothing my whole life. Would you?”

Aaron thought, digging his hands into the damp sand beneath them. “I guess I wouldn’t mind it, actually. With friends around, maybe. I’d have to work some shit job to pay bills, but I wouldn’t really consider it much of a responsibility. But…yeah. I’d be pretty content with that.”

“I couldn’t be.”

“Really?” Aaron asked. His tone implied he wasn’t necessarily surprised by Rob’s response, but possibly curious as to his intentions.

“I could never do that,” Rob continued. “I swear to God, if I’m doing nothing when I’m 25 or 30, I’ll just blow my brains out and be done with it. No. I want to make something of myself. Be something.”

“And what is that?” Aaron asked.

“I don’t know,” Rob admitted. “Something I’m good at. I want to take that and make something of it. Whatever the hell that it. I want to do something that actually matters. And not to other people. To me.”

“You know,” Aaron started, “that makes me wonder why you aren’t in college in the first place.”

“It’s not for me,” Rob said simply. “Either they’d never teach what I want, or they’d teach it too slow. Then, I’d be left with the mountain of debt holding me down. It’s never worth it. You don’t hire someone because of a piece of paper. You hire them because they’re fucking good at what they do.”

“Man,” Aaron laughed, “I wish it were that way.”

“If you go to a place that turns you down because you don’t have a degree, and hires someone worse than you to do the same job cause he has one, then fuck that job. It’s not worth it.”

But soon, the subject changed to other matters, and Rob’s passionite pleas against “the man” and all it’s shortcomings were faded away like the grains of sand, picked up by the waves and cast out into the dark pacific.

…

And Rob thought of this conversation as he looked to Aaron, now a half-decade later.

His body was more worn, and his beard thicker and fuller. His haircut more modern and dignified than his past, long locks, but his eyes were still the same. He was still the man of pragmatism. Get the degree, get the job.

Was Rob the same man? He used to be so much more passionate. He would never keep things or people in his life that didn’t matter, but what and who did matter, he stuck with. Because, deep down, what mattered was himself, and those who helped him or served him were always worth keeping around.

Rob was particular, forward, distant, and driven. Rob was unconcerned with others feelings and others rules. Rob marched on alone to what he wanted.

What was he now?

Maybe he didn’t know what he was, but he did know where.

Now, he was sitting in a diner on the far reaches of an already smaller city. Shitty food lay on his plate, and pools of grease gathered in undesirable chasms. A black coffee sat to his right. Aaron sat to his front, eating his own food. And outside, the night had long since come.

He had just told Aaron the story of In Bloom. Every last excruciating detail, from long lights tripping on acid to cool evenings spent on rooftops. From Adrianna to Anna, to Jane and to Zoe. His confused state, his time in smoky buses and his time in abandoned shelters. He laid it all out to Aaron over hours, and it was time for his old friend’s response.

But just before he did, Rob thought of the beach. And he couldn’t help but laugh at what a past Rob thought of the world.

If only he could see him now.

“Well,” Aaron began, “I’m just going to tell you the story you told me, and you tell me where you fucked up, alright? Who knows? Maybe it’ll help.”

Rob looked down for a moment. “Alright.”

“A boy and a girl are friends,” Aaron spoke. “Friends for years. They travel the country with their band, and after a night, the boy realizes that he had grown far fonder of the girl than he had thought before. And the boy has never felt this way before. He fears her reaction. He fears ruining what they had, or whether or not it’s worth it. The boy is afraid. But he tells her.”

Aaron takes in a deep breath.

“The girl tells the boy she’s scared too. The girl doesn’t think she’s good enough for the boy. The girl thinks she’s too bad for the good boy. But she decides to go for it, and the two get together. But the twist is, the girl was wrong. The girl changes herself for the boy, but the boy doesn’t change for the girl. The boy is afraid. The boy is scared of ruining what they have. The boy tells the girl he only wants what is physical, but the boy doesn’t even want that. He’s just afraid.”

Rob thought, but then laughed. “The boy is a dick.”

“And why is that?” Aaron asked.

“Because the boy never really told the girl how he felt,” Rob said, but his thoughts switched from the third person to the first. “I always hinted at it, but I never told her what I was thinking. What I wanted. What I was afraid of.”

“You said it,” Aaron said, “not me.”

“I guess,” Rob thought aloud, “I thought it was so much more complicated than that.”

“It’s never all that complicated,” Aaron said. “It’s just that, people can only react to what you give them.”

Rob thought about Aaron’s words, long after their conversation had ended and he was left in the hotel bar once more, sipping on a beer and watching the other patrons around him.

Maybe he hadn’t changed. Maybe he had just lost sight of what had mattered to him.

It really was so much simpler than he had ever made things out to be.

“Surprised to see you here,” a familiar voice came out behind Rob, he turned around.

Zoe was standing there with vacant eyes.

“I’d say the same thing,” Rob shot back. “What happened to the van?”

Zoe perched herself on the bar stool next to Rob. “Broke down. We’d get it repaired, but since we might be going on the European tour with you, our manager figured we’d just stay in some hotels until we figure it out.”

“Honestly,” Rob started, “I didn’t really think I’d ever see you again.”

“I’m not that kind of person,” Zoe said, flat. “If we’re going to be on the road together, the least we could do is make things amicable. I wouldn’t ever leave someone on bad terms. It causes bad shit to happen.”

“Like Anna,” Rob said, before downing some of his drink.

“Like Anna,” Zoe repeated after him. “So…Jane?”

“I don’t know,” Rob answered honestly, “but even if I did, I don’t know if I’d even say.”

“Good boy,” Zoe smiled. “You’re learning.” She stood herself up, and put a hand on Rob’s shoulder. “You’re not a bad guy, Rob. Really. I’m not going to hold it against you that you weren’t into me. But don’t hold it against Jane that she’s into you.”

And with that, she walked off, leaving Rob to dwell on what exactly just happened.

[megatrash]

A little over three hours later, Jane, Andy and Austin found themselves at their second bar of the night. They were all fairly drunk from the alcohol and buzzing from Andy’s party favors, but Jane’s mind kept wandering back to Rob.

Where was he now?

What was he doing?

Who was he with?

She was annoyed at herself for thinking about him so much, and Austin’s next question only solidified her grievance.

“Lighten up, J,” he whispered as he nudged her arm. “You’re being a buzzkill.”

She had been lost in thought for a few minutes, only moving to take a sip of her drink. “Sorry,” she murmured while forcing a faint smile.

Austin ruffled her hair before Andy returned from the bathroom and plopped down on the bar stool on Jane’s other side.

“She cheer up yet?” Andy asked Austin.

“I’m right here, ass – “

“No,” Austin shook his head, interrupting Jane. “She’s being a real buzzkill.”

“No I’m not,” she whined as she looked back and forth to the two long haired men. “I’m… I’m just quiet.”

“Yeah, that’s not normal,” Austin laughed with Andy.
Jane sighed, putting her face in her hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Andy placed a hand on her back, gliding it up and down gently. “It’s gonna be okay, Jane. If he was the one who brought this up, do you think he’s moping around right now?”

She shook her head. “Probably not.”

Austin’s mouth turned downward in empathy. “Then have some fun, J. This isn’t like you to be all upset over a guy.”

“I know,” she sighed as she waved at the bartender. “A round of Jameson, please.”

“There she is,” Andy smiled, removing his hand from her back. “Let’s have some fun.”

*****

Another hour passed, and they were all now in a sketchy, dark night club that housed probably too many people for its capacity. Not much talking could be done over the loud electronic music the DJ perched in the corner was spinning, but that didn’t stop Austin, who had found a petite brunette to buy drinks for and dance with.

That left Andy and Jane at the bar, and they people watched together, pointing and laughing at the strange things they saw the crowd doing. Each time Jane found herself growing quiet in thought, Andy would snap her out of it, either by attempting a conversation or laughing at something, and she did her best to play along to save her the heartache her thoughts would inevitably give her.

Jane’s inner dialogue mostly berated her for giving so much to Rob – something she normally would have never done – only to be shunned for it in return. How could she be so stupid to think someone like him would truly be happy with a girl like her? No matter how hard she tried, he must have not been able to look past the fact that Jane would always be the promiscuous, care-free, unreliable wildcard that would eventually self-destruct.

“Am I an awful person, Andy?” Jane asked sincerely as the DJ went out for a break.

“Jesus, Jane. No,” Andy replied with furrowed brows. He rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “Why would you say that?”

“I mean, if my best friend, the one who I had spent seven years with, decided that I just wasn’t what he wanted, I must really be fucked.” Although it sounded like a pity party, Jane was just being honest. She had never felt so insecure and self-conscious about herself before. Another thing to thank Rob for.

“Just because it didn’t work out with Rob, doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be alone. Some people just don’t mix like that.”

“But, I thought we did, you know? Maybe I’m just blind,” Jane sighed as she shook her head.

“I would never break out this quote, mainly because I don’t want anyone to know I watch it, but there was this quote from Sex and the City – “

“Oh my god,” Jane smiled.

“Hey, we’re on the road a lot. There’s only so many shows to watch,” Austin laughed at her amusement. “Anyway, the quote goes ‘Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.’ And I’ve never met anyone that quote pertains to more than you.”

Jane tried to suppress a smirk. “Thanks, Andy.” Her eyes moved from the floor and met his, and for a few moments, they lingered there.

”This is bad, Jane. Don’t do it.”

Andy’s hand reached out and tucked her hair behind one of her ears.

”How is this going to solve anything? It’s going to make it worse.”

Without thought, Jane’s hand reached up to his in her hair and gripped it.

”You’re going to regret this.”

After another moment or two, Andy leaned in slowly until his lips met Jane’s. She was paralyzed for a moment, not sure of how she felt, and once he noticed, he leaned back into his chair

“Sorry. This probably isn’t what you need, huh?” Andy asked, but his facial expression betrayed his sentiment.

“I, uh,” Jane began, “I think it is.”

Andy raised an eyebrow in both surprise and satisfaction, and after hearing Jane’s opinion, he consequentially leaned in towards her again, this time with less hesitation. A hand reached up to Jane, his fingers wrapping around the back of her head into her hair while his thumb settled on the side of her face.

Jane, this time, returned Andy’s kiss, pushing Rob out of her mind as she did. After a few moments, they broke away from each other and laughed.

No matter how good the kiss made Jane feel, she couldn’t help but think of Rob, and Andy was able to read the expression she subconsciously displayed on her face.

“I understand, Jane. Don’t do anything you’re not ready for.”

Jane groaned. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Really. I just keep seeing his stupid face,” she chuckled as she wiped a tear that had formed. “Thanks, Andy.”

He nodded and rubbed her arm that was propped against the bar. “Want me to take you back to the hotel?”

Jane nodded in disappointment in herself, then scanned the crowd for Austin’s curly hair, who she spotted with the brunette.

“Hey,” she called to him as she approached the pair. “Andy and I are gonna get outta here.”

Austin nodded. “I’m gonna stay. If I’m not home by the morning, come find me.”

“Can I stay in your room? I… I really don’t wanna share with Rob right now.” Jane was a bit embarrassed to ask this of Austin - letting anyone know how much she was hurting usually was – but it was worth it not to deal with the awkwardness that could have been waiting for her behind Rob’s door.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll just sleep in yours when, well if I come back. It’s room 907. Not sure what Sam’s doing though, so enter with caution.” Austin grabbed her head and pulled her close so he could kiss her forehead. “Hang in there, kid.”

Jane nodded and waved farewell before making her way back to Andy. “I’m ready.”

*****

Andy was the first to get out of the elevator, but before exiting, he leaned in the doorway and looked to Jane. “You gonna be okay?”

Jane sighed. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Austin’s letting me crash in his room instead.”

He looked down at the floor and nodded. “Look, Jane. I didn’t kiss you earlier for any other reason other than I’m purely attracted to you. Not to help you forget about Rob, or because I’m fucked up.” His eyes slowly made their way up to hers. “I think you’re a beautiful person, inside and out, and I understand you’re going through a lot right now. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m here for you. Even if it’s strictly platonic. Okay?”

“Thanks, Andy,” Jane’s raspy voice spoke with sincerity. “That means a lot.”

“Good night, Jane.” And with that, Andy took off down the hallway to his room, and the silver doors closed in front of her.

She leaned back against the cool wall behind here and squeezed her eyes shut. The night made her feel both better and worse than she had before she left the studio. Better, because for just a small moment in time, she forgot about her problems with Rob. And the way Andy talked to her – how he actually spoke to her and told her how he felt – had boosted her mood and confidence. Worse, well, because kissing Andy made her realize how much more work she had to do to get over Rob, work that wouldn’t involve just sleeping with someone else. This was far too much of an emotional attachment for that to work. Why couldn’t Rob talk to her the way Andy did?

Perhaps it was because he had realized he did not feel that way anymore. Or that he realized he never did. Possibly, simple infatuation, the “wanting-what-you-can’t-have” phase was what blinding him into thinking that it could work with her.

It reminded her of a song that, although sonically she didn’t find appealing, the words were haunting:

”You were red and you liked me because I was blue
You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided purple just wasn't for you”

The possibility of being able to be loved by Rob was Jane’s only motivation for trying so hard to please him. It wasn’t to try to change herself, or an attempt to convince Rob that she was something she wasn’t. It was all driven by passion. A selflessness. Something foreign to her.

Yet, she was left here empty handed, using her vices to try to forget the mess she had created.

Jane unlocked the room Sam and Austin were assigned with the small key card and pushed it open to find the common area empty. Thank god. She didn’t feel like explaining to Sam the event that led up to her staying there instead of with Rob.

After locating the unoccupied room, she locked the door behind her and stripped down before drunkenly diving into the plush bed. She didn’t want to sleep alone; in all honesty, she wanted to be in Rob’s arms like she had grown accustomed to. But, things were just too weird now. She couldn’t get away with just sliding into bed with him like she could before.
Eventually, after wrapping herself tightly in the comforter, Jane drifted off to sleep with thoughts of both Andy and Rob, the tour about to take place, and the new song they were recording. And not to forget, the general sense of dread she had about waking up tomorrow and navigating the day around Rob.

It was all too complicated now.

[HangYourSecrets]

It was late in the evening, and if Harold was expecting them to play in Kansas City tomorrow, he’d need at the rest he could get.

Emotionally and physically tired, Rob slipped the key card into the hotel’s door, opening it softly as to not wake Jane. It was at least one-thirty, and the alcohol in his system was only driving him forward to sleep. Any conversation he may have wanted to have with her would’ve had to wait.

“Jane?” Rob called out into the dark room. He set his things onto the countertop and began to look through the room.

She wasn’t there.

In fact, it looked as if no one had been there since it was last cleaned. The empty fresh scent of bleach was still lingering in the air, and Rob stood alone in a room designed for two.

“Jane?” Rob asked once more into the darkness.

Nothing.

With a sigh, Rob made his way to the light, illuminating the room in a harsh blue tint. He opened the fridge, pulled out one of the bottled waters provided, and proceeded to finish it quickly in an attempt to clear out some of the buzz lingering in his head.

He supposed he deserved it, actually.

Ever since Rob’s brilliant idea of asking Jane to be casual, the two hadn’t spoken much, if at all. And once the metaphorical can of worms had been opened, it could not be undone. There was no fault to hold Jane against whatever actions she had taken, sexual or otherwise, with other people, just as there was no excuse for Rob to feel bad for such an action.

The thought of Jane with other men haunted him, but knowing he had straight-up given her permission to do so in some misguided attempt to make her feel better was worse.

He had fucked up pretty bad this time.

Not bothering to unpack his things, Rob stripped naked as he approached the bathroom, leaving a line of clothes in his wake from the front door to the bathroom. He stood in the shower and let the warm water touch his back for a very long time, before turning it off without even bothering to bathe much, if at all.

He dried off and slumped into one of the beds, and was out in about three minutes.

—

He was awoken the next morning by his phone ringing. With a groan, he reached for it and answered it.

“You’re not going to like what I’m about to ask of you,” Harold’s voice came on the other end.

Rob responded with a low guttural noise, before: “Trust me Harold, you really couldn’t make things worse.”

“You’ve got an interview in an hour.”

Silence. Then:

“I stand fucking corrected, Harold.”

“Look,” Harold said. He breathed out softly on the other end. “We’ve been media silent for too long. You don’t even want to know the kind of speculation coming out of this leaked photo incident. Like, you really really don’t. I just need you to answer a few questions and tell them about the single you’re going to play live in St. Louis. I told them to make it short and painless as possible.”

“You know what?” Rob said. “Fuck it. Fine. Where do I go?”

“Aaron’s gonna pick you up from the room,” Harold said. “And…thank you.”

—

Aaron and Rob rode in silence for most of the journey to the other end of town, where the radio station was.

After Aaron had explained some of the specifics of the interview to Rob, he was lost in his own mind again.

He knew they were going to ask him about Jane. All sort of questions about the photos, the sex, the drugs…all of it. Except, this time, there was no united front between the press and him and Jane. No, now it was this shattered, frustrated segments that lie between Rob and Jane. There was bitterness, anger, and confusion. Rob no longer knew what Jane would want him to say on her behalf. Would she even want him to speak on her behalf at all? Does she even know this is happening?

At this rate, what little remained of his chances to fix the shit he started could no longer cloud his judgment. He had approached the relationship with the best of intentions, and let those very intentions cloud his judgments and tear it all apart. Now…there wasn’t much left to loose. Rob was tired, weary, and had been moments away from a panic attack for the past week. The world already knew so much about him, and more about Jane. Any sense of privacy was beyond gone for him. Perhaps, forever.

Fuck it.
There was nothing left to loose. Rob was just going to be as honest as he could be.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Aaron asked.

“Whatever they want,” Rob answered flatly. The two didn’t speak again, and after Rob exchanged pleasantries with the host, Ethan, he was sat down at a table, given headphones and a mic to speak into, and was told he was going on air in just a few moments.

Everything blurred around him. All expect for the interview.

Ben: Welcome back to 99.8, Kansas City’s best Alternative Rock station. Coming at you live from the middle of nowhere, the center of everywhere. We’ve got Rob Pennie, of In Bloom. Rob…how are you?

Rob: I’m alright, I guess.

Ben: Big things going on, it seems. I hate to bring it up, but this is the first time we’ve heard from an In Bloom member since Jane’s photos lit up the internet. How’s everyone coping?

Rob: Well, it’s a tricky thing. Obviously, we feel for Jane, and we’re sad to see something like this be so huge, but the world doesn’t stop, you know? There’s still tour dates, and studio times, and phone calls, and all sort of behind the scenes stuff that can’t wait around. We’ve mostly been working on that in the radio silence.

Ben: I’m sure it’s been rough. Pass my condolences to Jane for me. And the rest of you.

Rob: Sure.

Ben: Your relationship in particular with Jane has also been something of major discussion.

Rob: Getting right into all this, aren’t we?

Ben: We’ve only got so much time on here, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Rob: It’s fine, man. I’m not going to blow up on you. And that’s the thing, really. Getting put under the microscope like we’ve been for a while, you sort of loose your sense of privacy. Like, you might ask me other things, and you won’t push the topic, but someone else will.

Ben: I’m assuming you’re referring to that last explosive interview you had a week or so ago?

Rob: [laughing] That’s the one, man. I’m just not the kind of guy to usually be so open about things. I’m pretty reserved about a lot of things, and especially my personal life. You can get frustrated at people with agendas or alterior motives, and it can really get to you. But it’s alright. The sooner people have their answers the sooner we can all get back to the music.

Ben: I can understand that. You seem like you’ve been really thinking about it.

Rob: Actually, I haven’t. Or, at least, I haven’t rehearsed this or anything. And it wasn’t cause I didn’t have time. I’ve been doing my fair share of overthinking and it’s starting to bite me in the ass. Sometimes you’ve got to just go off the cuff and be real with someone. If I scripted this and you gave me a question I wasn’t expecting, I’d be screwed. This way is much easier anyways.

Ben: I get that. I get that vibe from Jane’s interviews as well.

Rob: Jeez, I wish I could be like her in these things. She’s pretty confident in her answers and words. We’re kind of opposites, in that sense.

Ben: In what sense?

Rob: I guess…Jane’s the kind of person who doesn’t question herself, you know? She’s direct, and open about who she is. That doesn’t mean stuff like the photos doesn’t hurt, or anything. Me, on the other hand…I can be volatile. I weigh all the options and variables in my head so much I fail to do things, and I think people want something when they really don’t.

Ben: This all sounds more like things we’ve never heard from you.

Rob: Yeah. I guess so. I’m just coming to terms with it. You gotta remember, Ben, we were barely selling tickets to our friends for years. We played a few places in California, but that’s basically it. We’re nobodies. We’re not used to this kind of attention, and I guess we’re all just having to deal with it. This new sort of normal. And…that’s actually kind of amazing in a way. We’re going to Europe in a few days. We’re going international. That’s got to be one of the coolest things I’ve ever had the opportunity to do, but I’ve been too swarmed to think about it. I’m too caught up in what I think people want that I don’t even realize what I’m doing sometimes. I’ve fucked up things I’m worried I can never fix.

Ben: [laughs] Jesus, Rob. You alright?

Rob: I’m fine. I’ve been right so many times in my life, I can afford to be wrong every once in a while. [laughs] But seriously…it’s the truth. I think fans and critics alike can realize that it’s been rough getting our feet on the ground from all of this. That much is pretty obvious from our past interviews. So yeah. It’s been hard. I won’t speak for the others but it seems to be hard for all of us. And that’s ok. We’re sorting our shit out, same as the kids listening to our stuff. It’s only human.

Ben: We’re out of time, but I wish I had another hour with you. Last thoughts?

Rob: Watch our next few shows. Who knows? Maybe we’ll play something new for you guys.

—


“You told that guy everything,” Aaron said on the drive back to the hotel. “Why now?”

“This whole time,” Rob started, “I’ve felt like they’ve been pushing me to get every last bit of information out. Like they wanted to know everything about me. Now…they’ve got nothing left. And I’ve got nothing left to fear from them.”

Aaron nodded, but said nothing, and the two split apart at the lobby.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Aaron said, slipping away.

Rob made his way back to the room, and laid back into bed, thinking about what he had done.

Maybe the issue with the press hadn’t resolved in the way he had liked. But now…what else could they really ask of him?

He might have fucked up before, but that stopped now.

Who knows? It might have been too late anyways.

[megatrash]

Jane was awoken by Austin nudging her arm repeatedly, his muffled voice getting clearer and clearer as she became more lucid. “Jesus, man,” she groaned as she forcefully rubbed her eyes. “The one time I sleep in, you – “

“Rob’s doing an interview right now,” he interrupted her, seemingly unphased by her annoyance.

“Right now?” Jane asked as she popped up to a sitting position.

“Yeah, Harold put him up to it. Come on,” he instructed as he stretched out a hand to get her up.

The two made their way to the living room area where Sam was already sitting and fidgeting with the radio, and they all huddled together around the small clock once they found the correct station. The first thing Jane noticed was Rob’s voice and how calm it sounded compared to their past interviews. The conversation they had must have been a sort of release for him.

And at that realization, Jane felt selfish at how angry she was at Rob for asking for what he wanted. Yeah, it was a blow. But, she couldn’t blame him for feeling a certain way about her. It most likely wasn’t his intention to hurt her.

The three intently listened to the back and forth dialogue between Rob and the host, and it made Jane feel so much better, yet so much worse at the same time.

”I’ve fucked up things I’m worried I can never fix.”

He couldn’t have been talking about her… right? He seemed so sure when he said it. Like he had mulled over it for days before finally admitting it.

After Rob finished and the radio was turned off, Austin’s hand landed on Jane’s shoulder. “You sh – “

“Yeah, I know,” Jane nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

It was the last thing she wanted to do: open herself up again for Rob to completely reject her. But if they were going to be travelling the world together, she would have to talk to him eventually, and the longer she waited, the weirder things would get.

Austin helped her up and looked at her sternly. “It’s gonna all work out in the end, Jane, no matter which way it goes. I’m here for you.” He kissed her forehead and shooed her out of the room before she could change her mind.

Jane took her time walking down the hallway, forcing herself to take step after step towards her would-have-been room instead of bolting back the opposite way. “Come on,” Jane whispered to herself. “Stop being a pussy.”

After approaching the door, the key hovered over the lock for a few second before she finally slid it in the slot and clicked open the door, squeezing her eyes shut as she stepped in.

“Rob?” Her voice was hoarse, barely reaching the level Jane had attempted. “It’s me.”

Her pace was slow as she eyed the apartment-style hotel room, noting how clean it was – probably because she had yet to occupy it. “Rob?”

She finally found him in bed. Alone. She couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief at the fact that she didn’t find him with Zoe.

“Hey,” she whispered as she took a seat at the foot at the bed and stared at the floor. “I, uh, I heard the interview. I don’t know if – “

Her eyes had locked on his, and she found herself unable to continue. Why was he so intimidating right now? It was unlike Jane to be nervous in front of someone, especially someone she knew as well as Rob.

“I…” Still nothing. But even if she could force words out of her mouth, what would they be? Hey, Rob. You broke my heart by saying that you just want to fuck me. But, I still can’t stand being away from you. I’m pathetic. I love you.

In a swift movement, Jane had crawled up to Rob and straddled him, leaning down to press her lips into his as soon as she got comfortable. With her hands in his hair, she pulled away a few inches from his face and stared at him. “I’m so sick of talking,” Jane whispered, then leaned in to kiss him again. “I’m really fucking angry at you, too, but…” Another kiss, each one more and more aggressive.

Her inner voice was screaming at her to stop. It felt as though she had given in and waved a white flag to Rob. He was getting what he wanted – to be physically intimate with Jane without having to deal with anything else. But Jane couldn’t stop herself. And half of her didn’t want to.

*****

Jane nearly fell onto her back in the softness of the comforter as she caught her breath and wiped her forehead with her arm. For a moment, she felt completely happy, as if the previous events that had drove her and Rob separate ways never happened.

But as soon as the waves of euphoria ripping through her ceased, regret began to trickle in.

“I’m such an idiot,” she whispered aloud as she squeezed her eyes shut, eventually standing up and picking her clothes up off the floor. “You really fucking bummed me out. Yet, here I am, giving you exactly what you asked for.”

Jane dressed as quickly as she could, avoiding any eye contact, and once she pulled her shirt over her head, she turned towards him as she stood in the door way. Tears had already formed in her eyes, but she kept her face as expressionless as possible. “I wanna figure this out. What this all means. But… I just can’t yet. I’m not ready.”

She left the room as quickly as possible, closing the door quietly behind her and sinking down to the patterned carpet that stretched down the long, narrow hallway. She wasn’t able to keep herself from crying this time, and her forehead rested on her knees as the tears rolled off her cheeks and onto her lap.

“Jane?”

Her head popped up to see Andy looking down with furrowed brows at her. “What the hell happened?”
“Get me outta here? Anywhere,” Jane’s voice squeaked as she wiped her eyes.

He pulled her up with a hand and put his arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly. “Come on. Lets go get some breakfast in you.”

Jane nodded in silence and let him lead her out of the hallway into the elevator. She wasn't proud about running into the arms of another man while she avoided working things out with Rob, but she was at her most vulnerable state she had seen herself in, and she was gladly taking comfort where she could find it.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob had no time to react.

Soon, without much warning at all, Jane appeared to him, in such a manner that he was almost unsure of whether or not he had dozed off on the bed. But here she was, dream or real, sitting at the foot of the bed. Here, together and alone for the first time in days.

She began to talk, and soon after, Rob immediately began to piece together what could be said. In this newfound sense of honesty he had to find a way to tell her how he was feeling. There was no good way for him to approach it. If he could just start talking. If he could just begin to speak—

But he could not.

Jane’s body slipped above his own, and she began to straddle him. Her closeness to her was a feeling he hadn’t realized he had missed so incredibly badly in the time between their last discussion. Being here in this moment of physicality with Jane was so incredibly intoxicating, he had to stop thinking. He had to live in this moment.

”I’m really fucking angry at you…” she had whispered to him between kisses.

And any and all meaning Jane was trying to get across was lost in the ecstasy of their bodies, and Rob’s fleeting little moment to think of what she had said faded as soon as her perfect lips pressed against his.

—

”Yet, here I am, giving you exactly what you asked for,” her words came soft, fading into his consciousness.

He had been laying back, eyes closed, and he head had been in another place. But, the bitterness of his actions were coming to fruition.

“I don’t—“ he stuttered out, but it seemed to be too late. Her body covered itself in a t-shirt—her beauty dispelled in cheap cotton. It was like the ending of a beautiful film—something so long and mesmerizing, that as the credits begin to roll, you realize, you were never ready for this to end.

Except, this was his reality.

He stood from the bed, naked and cold, and looked to her as she ran out the door.

“I so sorry—“ he managed to get out, before his words were cut off by the slamming of the door into it’s frame.

He was alone.

And suddenly, like a wave of emotion, each moment in his life came to haunt him. Each time he had yelled at his mother of father, and the bitter, jaded responses they had warranted. Each time he had hurt his friends. Each time in his life where he had let his own selfish nature consume others and each time others had torn him back down played out in his head.

In a panic, Rob rushed back into the bedroom and picked up his boxers, pulling them onto his body. But after slipping on a pair of sweatpants, he could no longer find the energy to do so. He sat on the floor near the bed, his hands pressed against his temples.

In his mind, Hayden’s words cut deep into his mind:

This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so fucking pathetic

He lowered his head, and gave in. The room around him spun violently. The soft etherial noises of the apartment increased in volume until the noises around him were deafening. His heart pounded in his chest until it felt it could take no more, and Rob shook in the pressure.

There was nothing left to do.

—

Two hours later Rob found himself on the balcony of his and Jane’s shared room. His fingers curled around his eighth cigarette and his other hand rested softly upon his forehead. The last of his panic attach had faded away with time.

It was his first in almost three years.

It was sad, really, the response that had triggered it. Jane leaving so closely after their most intimate time together should not come as a surprise, nor should it have been something he should blame upon her.

He had asked for her to be casual with him. He had asked for this. And it no longer mattered that in the most fucked up way, he had meant it to be better for her. This was the path he had chosen. No interview, no actions, nothing he could no would better this situation.

He would have to talk to her. He would have to admit to her that he thought so low of her, that offering a casual relationship seemed like a good idea at the time. Perhaps a day ago he could still excuse it as an oversight. But he knew Jane better, and could clearly tell how badly it hurt her.

Still, even regarding all of the above, having Jane slip into the room for sex and leaving quickly was painfully demeaning. The thought of simply being used for his own physical nature disgusted him. For some odd reason, all the casual sex he had in years past seemed perfectly fine. Now, with the solidity of an exclusive relationship fresh in his mind, he felt so bad for ever wanting it in the first place.

And yet he had still asked for this. He had still told her he wanted casual sex. And she gave it to him, probably under the impression that it was what he wanted.

The panic attack had faded away, but the anxiety that induced it was still ever-present. He would have to talk to her, but he doubted she even wanted to talk anymore. She had just told him that only a few short hours ago.

Unwilling to be alone, he ventured out into the hallway, slipping over to Sam and Austin’s room. To no surprise, Jane wasn’t here, and Sam and Austin seemed surprised to see their friend.

“Hey man,” Sam awkwardly spat out as he let Rob him. He sat on the couch without saying much and looked over to him and Austin, who stood in the kitchen.

“Ok, so, I’m just going to come right out and say it,” Rob started, unwilling to stand on ceremony with them. “I fucked up pretty bad this time.”

No one said anything for a moment, until Austin called out with a loud, “yeah. Ya did.”

Fifteen minutes later, Rob had caught them up to speed with his side of the story, and apologized for not being friends with them the past few days. They seemed reasonable enough about the situation, and nodded.

“Well,” Austin started, “kudos to you for that interview. Hopefully that’ll get everyone off our backs for the time being. Last I saw Jane, she was heading to your place. How’d that go?”

Rob hesitated for a moment, then looked down to his hands. “Not good,” he said, and left it at that. Talking to them about his and Jane’s sex life was not a conversation he would willingly have with them. But, somehow, they seemed to figure out what had happened.

“Well,” Sam started. “You did ask for it.”

“No fucking shit,” Rob shot back. It was less of a slight at Sam and more out of frustration, than anything else. “I don’t really know what to—“

Rob’s speech was cut short by the sight of a woman. Slipping from Sam’s room, a young brunette in nothing but a t-shirt peered around the door.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting…” she trailed off. Her cheeks were a beet red. “Mind if I grab some food?”

Rob looked in near-shock, before bursting out in loud laughter. Sam grew equally as embarrassed and shot Rob a glare.

“Absolutely,” he said, leading her to the kitchen and passing Austin, who waved Rob out of the seat.

“Come on,” Austin said. “It’s nicer on the balcony anyways.”

Rob followed along, and the two sat outside, looking directly at the Gateway Arch. It’s massive silver glared in the light, and it was one of the coolest sights in the city. The show they were playing tonight would be very close to it, and Rob was glad to see something nice in the otherwise sleepy city.

“Well obviously you two need to talk,” Austin started. “You’d think after all the shit you’ve been through you would’ve figured that one out by now.”

“Yeah…” Rob said. His voice was low and tired. “Look, sorry for being pretty much an asshole the past few days. I’ve been stuck with this. Well, and this new track.”

“Look,” Austin said. “Regardless of whatever you and Jane end up doing, the new single kicks ass. And I was thinking, we should probably name it. Any suggestions?”

Rob looked out to the city, thinking of Jane’s soft, frustrated words she had sang just a day ago. “Sinning,” he said softly. “Or, just Sin.”

“Straightforward enough,” Austin said. “I’ll run it by Jane when I can. Although, Run While You Can would probably be less melancholy.”

Rob laughed a bit as he slipped a phone from his pocket. Aaron was calling.

“Hey, I—“ Rob started, but Austin waved a hand. “Go for it,” he said. “You haven’t talked to the guy in years.”

Rob smiled, and was back out with Aaron for lunch, trying hard not to think of what he was going to have to do or say to Jane. In the car, Aaron slipped himself the AUX chord, and played a repetitive, infectious song: Witch Doctor by De Staat.

“This sounds really familiar,” Rob commented, as he slipped the phone from Aaron and checked the artist out. “It is. Zoe showed me this.”

“What’s up with her?” Aaron asked.

“I met her at the bar yesterday,” Rob said, honestly only now thinking on it for the first time. “I guess she’s cool with everything. She’s not an easy-to-read person.”

“For everyone’s sake, you probably should stay away from the Vicarious guys,” Aaron said. “At least until you sort that shit out.”

“Probably,” he noted. Perhaps coincidentally, at that moment, Rob’s phone vibrated, and received a message from Zoe.

12:02, Zoe: Andy keeps vanishing off all the time now. Trent thinks it’s with Jane. Just a heads up.

Rob slipped the phone back into his pocket without responding, but was left to think about that Even throughout a very fun lunch with Aaron, and slipping back into his stateroom with enough time to take a nap, he knew he wouldn’t stop worrying about it. At the very least, he hoped he never saw any of what Jane and Andy were doing, if they were even doing anything.

He wasn’t sure if he could take it. No, actually.

He wasn’t sure what exactly he’d do to Andy if he saw it.

Rob slipped back into his bed and fell into a light sleep, fully intending to only get up when he needed to arrive to the concert. He was far to stressed to do anything else.

[megatrash]

Andy and Jane sat across from each other at a small diner only a few minutes from the hotel. She hadn’t bothered going back to the room to change before taking him up on his offer, so she sat in a large white tee shirt, a pair of track shorts that substituted for pajama shorts, and bare feet, fiddling with the straw that popped out of the black iced coffee in front of her.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” Andy asked softly as he glanced up to her.

Jane hadn’t realized how quiet she had been and smiled faintly. “Sorry.” Her head fell into her hands. “Well, I fucked Rob,” she explained bluntly, “like an idiot. I went to go talk to him, but that never goes well. And next thing I know…” her raspy voice trailed off into silence, and she shook her head in frustration.

“Jane,” Andy whispered, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you last night. I wasn’t – “

“Stop,” Jane interrupted. “You didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, that was the vibe I was putting out there. I wanted you to. I’m just… I don’t know, man. Rob’s got me really fucked up.”

Andy nodded in understanding. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Jane. Really. I’m a grown man. My feelings aren’t hurt.” He smiled at her as reassurance. “Anyway, did Rob say anything afterwards?”

“No. Well, I didn’t really let him. I kinda freaked out and ran out of the room.” She scratched at her head as her eyes burned a hole in the floor.

“What do you want, Jane?” Andy asked frankly.

“What do you mean?”

“From this. You and Rob. What do you want?” He rested his chin on his hand. “Are you even letting yourself think about it?”

Jane scoffed. “No. Not really. I don’t know. Things between us were kind of weird when we decided to try things out.”

“Then, do you really wanna not be casual? Or did it just hurt your feelings that it was Rob who brought it up, and not you?”

“Damn it, Andy. You’re like another Austin,” she smirked.

Andy laughed. “Nah, I’ve just gotten to know you pretty well. You’re an open book.”

“Yeah, I should probably work on that, yeah?” Jane asked as she met his eyes.

He reached over and rubbed the top of her hand that rested on the table. “No. Don’t change.”

*****

Jane eventually made her way back to the hotel room and dove into her bed in the apartment she was temporarily sharing with Sam. She confirmed with Austin if it was still okay for now, who was perched on the couch when she entered the apartment, and he nodded and waved his hand in the air.

She truly didn’t know what to do. Should she admit that she was… wrong? That, perhaps, Rob was right, and what they had tried out just wasn’t working out for either of them? If Jane had to admit, things did get so tense between them. What if it was better for both of them if they kept it physical for now? She would at least need that, she decided, and she was reminded of that now more than ever after the hour of passion she had spent with Rob earlier.

The way she found herself feeling about Andy wasn’t exactly helping the situation either. It was all just so easy with him. Why couldn’t she feel that way with Rob?

And as that thought crossed her mind, Jane realized that may have been the exact same way that Rob felt about Zoe, and it made her feel so selfish that she as hurt by him seeing her. He deserved an outlet for his frustrations just as much as Jane did, and she couldn’t expect Rob to only turn to herself. That wasn’t fair.

As Jane laid in bed, she pulled out her cracked phone, and her thumbs worked on a text to Rob:
Jane: Hey. I’m sorry about earlier. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were probably right, maybe romance just wasn’t in the universe for us and things are better this way.
Jane: That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see you though.. You gotta admit, we’re too good in bed together to give that up.
Jane: I understand if you don’t wanna talk about it yet.

Well, a few texts.

Jane did her best, once again, to express her feelings through words rather than her body, and although she wasn’t completely satisfied with how they came out, they would have to do for now. Hopefully, for once, she didn’t make things worse.

Now, it was time to get some rest before the show tonight, the one where she would have to sing a song she was forced to write. The one where she’d be in a venue with two guys she was still very confused about. Great.

Jane silenced her phone and swaddled herself in the comforter, eventually drifting off to sleep after her mind raced for another few minutes. Mostly thoughts of Rob, some of Andy, other of the tour that they were about to embark on, but all of them had a common theme: a sense of dread.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s phone buzzed, sending slight reverberations through the linen sheets of his bed and lulling him to being somewhat awake again. He slipped a hand over to where his phone was situated and turned it on.

He had missed several messages from several people.

He started first with Harold—a group message to the band:

4:13, Harold: Just finished a master of the new track. You’re good to play it tonight. It’ll be up everywhere the moment you finish playing it.

Attached was a link to the song, and after a listen, Rob felt pretty satisfied with the conclusion. It was a song bred out of stress and necessity, but for a song of theirs, he felt pretty ok with it sounding more like earlier material than stuff off the last record. It was good to see something decent arise from the frustration of the tour. He hoped the audience they had cultivated would enjoy the sound, and Jane’s more melancholy lyrics.

Next he slipped down to Jane’s messages, and read them back and forward again. Several times, in fact—for it seemed to be the first real conversation they had since Minneapolis.

He dwelled on phrases such as “better this way” and “we’re too good in bed together,” trying hard not to react rashly to what was clearly something he felt responsible for.

At first, however, he wasn’t truly sure how to react. He set the phone down, mindlessly slipping into a shower and dressing, before lifting the phone up again; thinking of what was said.

He figured she might have been right, as much as it pained him to admit. Maybe a romance in the traditional set was not going to be possible in this moment with them. Maybe it would not be possible at all. It was frustrating to know the initiator of all this madness was himself, but perhaps it was just a catalyst. Problems they were facing now were always ones he had figured they would be experiencing. Maybe not now, but eventually. And who knows? With the European Tour just days away, there was a need to at least find some sense of agreement between the two of them—for the band’s sake as well as theirs. And god knows Rob’s health seemed to be failing as well. His mind briefly thought of the attack he had earlier that day before trying to forget again.

But over text? It wasn’t the way he wanted to communicate with her. At least, not for something this serious. He considered running over to Sam and Austin’s room (where she would most likely be staying), but putting her on edge after she just reached out to him felt too abrasive.

Rob put a thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose as squeezed, closing his eyes. There would need to be a conversation, yes, but when? When was Jane free now?

Was she with Andy?

The thought angered him. While Jane was (in Rob’s mind) most likely unaware that Zoe and Rob had done little more than kiss, Rob was unaware of what Jane had done with Andy. And perhaps it was no longer his business. Any rights to that part of Jane were forsaken with the words “maybe we should be casual.”

The longer time passed, the more Rob would seem to regret ever saying that.

He really couldn’t help that level of jealously within himself, however selfish it was. From his own perspective of denying Zoe (a person that he would, in any other circumstance, have long since been intimate with), thinking of Jane with other person was frustrating, even if it was baseless.

The conflicting feelings of self-loathing and jealousy were eating up at him, and it was time to at least accept one of them. And, he could not change what he had said. So…perhaps he really did need to try his hand at a casual relationship.

The idea frustrated him immensely. He had done something similar before, but not with a friend. Not one as close as Jane was to him. Before dwelling on it any further, Rob typed out a response:

Rob: I miss you, and I’d like to talk about it. In person, hopefully. When you can.
Rob: And I did do something wrong. I did a lot wrong. But I get that I can’t change that. However we can fix this, I’m game.

Texting was frustrating. The subtle nature and nuance of real conversation was lost in translation most of the time, but Rob was pretty satisfied with what he had typed out. He looked to the time, and—realizing how soon the concert was—headed down to the van, and met up with his bandmates.

“Ready for tonight?” Rob asked through a weak smile to Austin, who stood outside the car. He puffed on a cigarette (a bit odd, to see Austin on tobacco) and looked over to Rob as he approached.

“Yeah, I guess so.” he said. The mood seemed much more low-energy than he was used to with Austin, but maybe that was needed. “Just this show and St. Louis, and then it’s Europe for weeks.”

“Are you not excited about that?” Rob asked.

“No, it’s not that,” Austin offered. He dropped the cigarette to the ground and put it out. “It’s just that I don’t know what’s going to happen to us over there.”

“Me either,” Rob said. He slipped in the van soon after.

[megatrash]

Jane was awoken by her phone vibrating underneath her chest, and after calming down from being startled, her eyes squinted to focus on the bright shattered screen. She couldn’t help but smirk at the words ”I miss you” sandwiched between the other texts that filled the thread, and for a brief moment, Jane felt a warmth flutter through her a stomach as her thumbs worked to respond.

Jane: We can talk after the show tonight if you’re free.
Jane: and I miss you too. Feels weird sleeping alone.

Her finger hovered over the send button for what felt like an eternity while she deciphered whether or not the second text sounded too needy. Ultimately, she hit send, deciding that if that was the way she felt – which it was – then she should say it. God knows that since Rob had confessed his feelings to her, she had been watching what she said around him. Maybe that was part of the problem. Jane just hadn’t been Jane. The outspoken, unafraid, confident Jane had turned into one that tip-toed around someone else’s emotions, afraid to rock the boat.

Jane determined, as the thought crossed her mind, that she would no longer do that. Yes, she might not tell Rob the details of the emotions he caused her by asking to tune things down, but she would no longer dilute herself to keep things placid. It obviously didn’t work, anyway.

After a few minutes of lounging, she forced herself out of bed and into the bathroom, but not without passing Sam first.

“Hey,” Jane’s voice squeaked, “thanks for letting me crash here for a bit. I’m gonna handle shit tonight, then I should be outta your hair.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sam replied, not looking up from the phone in his hand. “Oh, Harold wants you to call him after the set when you get a minute. Something about a quick interview tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Jane said, taken by surprise. “Okay, I will. Thanks.”

*****

Jane stepped out of the shower and dried herself off, staring in the mirror like she had don emany times before. This time, though, there were no signs of intimacy or marks left by Rob to be found – only freckles, scars, and her few small tattoos remained. She was having a hard time believing that Rob would want to continue sleeping with her if she was also seeing other people. She could imagine herself becoming a bit jealous over certain people, namely Zoe, if she found out Rob was with someone else, but in general, this aligned way more with her ideals than being in a committed, exclusive relationship did.

And honestly, even after this short amount of time apart, Jane was willing to take whatever she could get from Rob, even if it was only physical passion.

Another hour went by before it was time to leave for the venue. She got dressed in a white tank top and a pair of black skinny jeans with large holes in each knee, accessorized by a dark flannel that hung off her small body. After dashing around the apartment, collecting items to throw into her bag, her and Sam left the room and headed down to the lobby to wait for the van, and Jane’s eye darted around for any sign of Rob.

Even with a few texts exchanged, Jane already felt a bit better about seeing Rob than she had before. Perhaps they wouldn’t even need to talk, and things could just coast along as they were.

No. Not even Jane could let this go on for any longer. She truly just wanted him to hold her again, even if she would have to share those arms with other people.

A headphone sat in her ear while the other one dangled down her shirt playing Greetings from Califournia by The Neighbourhood as the van pulled up and her and Sam to approach it, only to find that both Rob and Austin were already inside. They took their normal seats: Sam in a middle row near Austin, and Jane in the back where Rob was.

“Hey,” she unintentionally whispered before smiling faintly and sitting next to him. The ear bud was taken out and tossed in her purse. Her heart was screaming at her to jump on top of him, to kiss him, to forget everyone else in the van but him, but thankfully her mind stopped her. Instead, she tugged Rob’s arm around her and leaned against him, remaining silent and shutting her eyes for the remainder of the ride to the venue and enjoying the warmth that she missed tremendously.

As soon as they arrived, though, Jane wasted no time sliding out of the van and heading into the venue to grab a drink, only to run into Andy at the bar.

“Hey, there,” he smiled as he held a hand out to a stool next to him.

Jane obliged and scooted herself in before returning the greeting. “Hey,” she said with a tooth grin as she nudged him arm. “You guys play yet?”

“We actually go on after you tonight. Who are the rock stars now, huh?” He laughed as he took a sip of his beer. “You seem happy.”

“I guess I am,” Jane nodded. “I mean, me and Rob are gonna talk things out tonight. But, I think it is what it is now. Just casual.”

Andy nodded in understanding. “And you’re cool with that?”

“I’m cool as long as I don’t lose him completely,” Jane admitted as she attempted to wave down the bartender. “That I couldn’t deal with. If being with him means that we sleep with other people too, that so be it. Not something I haven’t done before.”

The bartender finally approached Jane, and she ordered a rum and coke.

“You’ll keep me on the call list if you start fuckin’ around, right?” Andy joked as he stuck a tongue out at Jane, causing her to smirk.

“Eh, we’ll see, yeah?” Jane replied. In all honesty, if she were to start seeing other people, and Jane had a list, Andy would be on it. They had grown so close throughout all the chaos surrounding the tour and shows that it was hard not to feel anything for him. “How’s Zoe been?” Why was she even asking that?

Andy scoffed. “Still not your biggest fan. And now that I’ve been hanging out with you so much, she’s not mine either. She’s been sad lately, though. I don’t know why. I can just tell. Why do you ask?”

Sad? Why would she be sad? Rob had been hanging out with her constantly it seemed. Why would she be upset?

“Oh,” Jane nodded. “Just curious.”

A man dressed in black approached Jane, tapped her on the shoulder and told her it was time to head to the stage.

“Ah,” he sighed as he took the last sip of his beer. “See you soon, Jane.” He stood up and stretched, then leaned down and kissed her cheek.

“Bye,” Jane smiled as she waved him away. She would have to feel out how truly comfortable Rob would be with the notion that Jane would hook up with someone else before she could act on any urges, but the thought of having to verbalize it all was enough to make a small wave of anxiety wash over her.

Hopefully, Rob would be alright with her spending the night with him. Well, if the conversation went well. But how couldn’t it? Their minds were finally aligned for once.

*****

“Hey, everyone,” Jane breathed into the microphone after the first song had finished. “We’re In Bloom from Long Beach, California.”

The crowd woo-ed in reponse.

“Thank you, thank you. Okay, so I haven’t been on stage since all of you saw my tits,” she scoffed as she spoke. This cause the crowd to murmur. “I wanna talk about that for a second.”

Jane cleared her throat and pushed her hair out of her face. “First of all, I’m not ashamed of my body. Not before all this bullshit, and I’m still not. Second,” Jane opened her arms so the crowd could get a clear shot of her torso. “I’m wearing a fuckin’ white tank top with no bra right now. Did you guys really see something that you haven’t seen before?”

The crowd, once again, woo-ed.

“Thirdly, people are always gonna have an opinion about you.” Jane’s eyes shot to the side of the stage, where Zoe was standing and watching the set. “Or dislike you for no fucking reason.” Her eyes went back to the crowd. “You know what I say? Fuck ‘em. Don’t let those people make you feel bad for who you are. Some of you may think premarital sex is whack and go to church every Sunday, but I’m not gonna hate you for it. Everyone’s different. I respect you for your decisions, you respect me for mine. Yeah?”

The crowd cheered.

“Okay, I feel better now. Let’s get this shit over with, huh?”

*****

The rest of the set was well received by the crowd, and the new song they performed at the end seemed to really get a reaction. Jane wasn’t too keen on it, but she did her best to move around and have fun with it as a means to market it.

After catching her breath on the side stage, she locked eyes with Rob and scurried over to him. “Hey,” her exhausted voice pushed out. “I gotta shower and call Harold when we get back, then I’m all yours.” She smiled and nudged him before heading out to the van and crawling in the van, still panting from the performance she gave.

Once after a hot shower in the room she was sharing with Sam, she wrapped herself in a towel and stepped out on the patio to light a cigarette and call Harold.

Jane: Hey, Harold. Sam told me to give you a call. Something about an interview?
Harold: Yeah. A radio station here wants you on for only 20 minutes and an acoustic song. Sam would be going with you so he can play guitar.
Jane: Alright, I’ll do it.
Harold: You sure? I know you’ve been going through a lot lately and -
Jane: I’ll be fine. I’ve been feeling better.
Harold: Okay then. I’ll have a car waiting downstairs for you two tomorrow at 8:45.
Jane: Got it. Thanks, Harold.

After getting dressed in pajama shorts and a tee shirt, exiting the room, and heading to Rob’s, she slipped the key card into the lock. “Rob?” she called out. It was like déjà vu. “It’s me.”

Visions from their last conversation that started just like this made her want to turn around a bolt out of the door, but Jane forced herself to sit on the couch and wait. She tucked her hands under her butt as if it would help her keep them to herself and not all over Rob like she had done so many times before. She had to let him get whatever was on his mind off before tension arose between them again.

[HangYourSecrets]

Feeling Jane against his side again after all of the time passed felt…odd.

There wasn’t a better way to phrase Rob’s feelings.

The entire trip to the venue, however short, Rob remained passive, holding Jane to him and gazing forward, watching cars passing them by through the dirty windshield. Outside, the sun was beginning to set, and rays of sunlight shone through tinted windows, illuminating random parts of the car.

It was golden hour, to the photographer or videographer. The perfect moment between day and night. The end and the beginning. And interesting dynamic that seemed oddly fitting for them. In just a few days, the van would be left behind, along with the rest of the country. They would be entering a foreign country nearly every day.

Rob wondered what might be left behind as the rest of the set up turned into a blur. He wasn’t sure how many times he had set up and torn apart his drum set (surely over a dozen times by now), but was able to do so without so much as a second thought.

He found himself on his drum throne, looking out to a roaring audience obscured by bright lights, and had to fight to remain in the moment at hand.

In front of him, Jane talked briefly about the pictures that had leaked of her, and after a few roars of applause, the show started. The audience was as enthralled as ever—their bodies swaying and moving to the rhythm and with the lead of Jane on stage. Rob played essentially as straightforward and as “in the pocket” as he could; managing to keep the band in a steady tempo without really adding as much finesse as he might have done, provided he was in a better mindset.

Next came the new song, which seemed to have a positive reaction. Having never heard the song previously, the crowd had grown silent, grooving to the rhythm but otherwise watching the band play it’s melody. Rob was especially isolated in this song—his beat set up as a polyrhythm, his playing in a different meter than the others causing the song to seem to tear apart and put itself together again constantly. It was definitely one of their more odd tracks, but it sure as hell beat playing the single.

After it ended, the crowd cheered amicably, and Austin slipped forward and plugged the usual “available on all major sites” line as per an earlier Harold request.

The band slipped off stage, and Jane quickly approached.

”I gotta shower and call Harold when we get back, then I’m all yours.”

Something about the intonation of her voice and the way she had smiled at him seemed to instill a greater sense of hope in Rob. While he was anxious and happy to come to some sort of resolution with Jane, and she seemed more than willing, he was still overcome with a sense of guilt. That the initial honeymoon stage of their relationship wouldn’t have come to an end because of Rob’s indecision and scatterbrain.

Now it seemed, at least based upon the text he had received from her, Rob and Jane would be more casual—just as he had asked. Something he had said out of respite and never meant was now seemingly the only way to mend whatever was going on between Jane and Rob, leaving him with an odd feeling of guilt and anxiety. Hopefully tonight, once the two discussed it, Rob could feel a bit more solace than he was now.

However much calm hearing Jane and seeing her again had instilled in him, it quickly faded by seeing Zoe approach, bass strapped around her, looking as if she was ready to destroy him.

“What the fuck was that?” She called out loudly. Behind her, Rob could see Trent trying to make his way past a wall of roadies to approach as well. Before Rob could respond, she continued: “you talk to Jane about me?”

I probably should have, Rob thought, before answering honestly. “It’s never come up.”

Zoe’s demeanor changed, but it seemed more of a channeling of anger rather than any release of it. “I haven’t said a word to her. Not a fucking word. And she feels the need to call me out publicly. She knows there’s a fucking press pit, right? Fifty images of that moment could be all over the internet. You’d think she would’ve learned that every moment can be used against you.”

“You’re overreacting,” Trent said as he finally made his approach, trying to pull Zoe back. She refused to break eye contact with Rob.

“I’m not getting dragged into her black hole. And I know you don’t want to be.” Zoe said, more rational than before. “I’m not going to get dragged into the media circus. I’ve fought for years for my anonymity. If she has anything to say to me, I’d hope she could manage to say it to my face.”

Without waiting for a response, Zoe turned around, heading over to another groupie standing near the craft services table. Trent slipped into Rob’s line of sight next, looking more apologetic than she had been.

“Sorry about all that,” Trent said sheepishly. He was the second member of Vivacious to seem to act differently this evening. “Zoe’s a calm person, but she’s always been hugely protective of her image and how the public looks at her. She can take the lesbian stuff that occasionally gets printed, but anything involving another band…well, she certainly looks to you guys as some sort of warning.”

“I get it, man,” Rob said. “I guess she’s pretty mad at me, really.”

“Between us,” Trent said, “I really don’t think so. I think she’s keeping her distance until whatever you decide to do.” He laughed, after a moment of silence. “She seemed more drawn to you than anyone I’ve been before, and that’s unlike her. …It’s funny, really. Between her and Andy, we talk about In Bloom more than we do ourselves.”

“I with it wasn’t like that, man,” Rob said. “I never meant to get so involved. I just wanted a friend.”

A tinge of frustration shot across Trent’s face. “Try not to take us both down in Europe. For both our sakes.”

With that, Trent slipped off into his own position, and Vicarious prepared to take the stage. Confused by what had happened and the changing relationship between In Bloom and Vicarious, Rob tried to make a note to talk to Trent again soon, before slipping back to the van.

—

Back in the hotel room, Jane had slipped away and made a phone call to Harold, while Rob was researching things about Europe. It was more for the sake of his mind than any genuine interest, but regardless, it was going to be fun being away for a while.

The interaction he recently had with Vicarious made him realize how dangerous it was that him and Jane were in odd relationships with the band. Especially since it seemed that they were going to be touring with them in Europe. And…because whatever rules drawn tonight would have a profound influence on just how personal the relationships became.

Rob’s feelings of monogamy had lessened since hearing that Jane was willing to go casual with him. At first, the guilt of being the instigator had caused him to stop short of any real romance with Zoe. After tonight? Her willing approval—and the return of their sex life, to be honest—might turn the tide. Rob sorely missed his friend, and if Jane was with him, and the tension in the air was released by a more casual approach, he supposed he could get behind it. Plus, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least partially interested in being with Zoe. Trent’s confirmation of her own willingness wasn’t helping any last feelings of guilt.

Rob heard her enter the room from the balcony, and he slipped to the kitchen almost on cue. He poured himself and Jane a mixed drink (with what was probably far too much vodka) and set her’s down on the table, before sitting across from her. It felt oddly cold to do so, but Rob would have to fight through it. He was in this mess because he wasn’t honest, and now he was going to have to get out of it by being as truthful as he could be.

“Shit, this is odd,” Rob chuckled as he took a long drink of his beverage. He set it down with a loud clink. “Thanks for reaching out to me. I would’ve done it earlier, but…”

No you wouldn’t have, his mind reminded him. You were too busy feeling like shit.

Rob noted that thought and continued. “Anyways. I know I hurt you because I asked you to go casual. And that’s my fault. I just…panicked, I guess. I wasn’t being honest with you, and I wasn’t talking to you like we used to. So, I guess in some fucked up way I thought it was what you may have wanted. But now I realize I basically didn’t tell you much and then suddenly implied I only wanted to fuck you.”

Rob took a deep breath. “Which is wrong. I mean…yeah, the sex is amazing, but I missed talking to you. I lost that when I asked you to be casual. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. And now it feels like we haven’t spoken in fucking forever. So…however you’re feeling, I want to hear it. I just want to come out of this feeling like we’re friends again. I don’t ever want to loose that.”

Rob felt a bit better talking more off-the-cuff that completely rehearsed, but couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t being completely honest about himself. He wasn’t sold on being casual yet. And he knew it was him that proposed it, but something about it….

Rob downed the rest of his drink at set it on the table. Perhaps it’d be easier with a buzz going.

[megatrash]

Wait a minute. Did Rob never want to be casual?

Jane’s mind started racing as she did her best to focus on the words he was saying and keeping her demeanor cool. But, really? After all that emotional turmoil, he now wanted to recant the desires he verbalized?

She scratched her head as she listened and nodded as a sign of her understanding. Well, her sort-of understanding.

“Look Rob,” she began, clearing her throat before continuing, “I, uh, was really mad when you first brought it up. It felt like rejection. Rejection after I had been trying so god damn hard to make things work. But that’s the problem, trying that hard isn’t being myself. We both got into this weird that I think made us lose the way things are. Not you asking to be casual.”

Her eyes had been darting around the room the entire time she had spoken, but she forced herself to look at him.

“And, I mean, if we aren’t ourselves when we’re in an exclusive relationship together, then how is that gonna work? Maybe… “ she trailed off a bit. Admitting that she was wrong in a situation never came easy. “Maybe we should try it. You know, being casual.”

It was strange coming out of her mouth, when not long ago the same words had cut her so deeply.

“But, like. Not like the past few days. But in a good place with each other. My biggest fear was losing my best friend, and I felt like I was starting to, you know?”

She removed her hands from under her and placed one on on his leg. “I know I’m a perv and have the libido of a sixteen year old boy,” she scoffed, “but I miss all the other things, too. Like writing music together, watching movies, telling each other everything, the stupid jokes and shit.”

Her hand lifted off his leg and sat in her lap. “We’re so young, Rob. Yet we spent almost a whole tour around the country worrying about the other’s feelings, and it fucked everything up. So I, uh, I think we shouldn’t get involved like that again. At least, not for now. Who knows what the future holds?”

She sighed and met his eyes, chuckling. “Sorry for the fucking monologue. I’ve been thinking a lot. And you’ve made me better at letting shit like this out.”

[HangYourSecrets]

”Maybe we should try it. You know, being casual.”

Rob knew that the ultimate outcome of the evening would be something along lines such as these. Something about hearing it out in the open air was both cathartic and morose. A weird mixture of the pyrrhic comfort of a resolution and the bitter irony that he felt so strongly by being effected by the suggestion.

Or, to place it in simpler terms, the fact that it was now he that felt somewhat hurt by “casual” really fucking sucked.

But…it was for the best.

Jane was not wrong here. The clusterfuck of the last few weeks in particular could easily be traced to Rob and Jane’s personal issues. Nothing Austin or Sam did managed to get them into any sort of hot water, and Harold, for all his faults, seemed to be trying very hard to capitalize on the success of the band, even with the band didn’t want it.

And as she continued to talk, Rob grew more and more sold on the idea. Because, when was the last time the two of them hung out? And wrote music, or just chilled out together? It wasn’t during the tour, or so it seemed. Even when they did, there was always this bitter undertone of whatever emotional bullshit happened to be going on between them. It needed to come to a conclusion, and if casual was going to be the direction that led them there, so be it.

Perhaps too conveniently, Rob felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He dared not check it now, but worried as to who it might have been.

He couldn’t help but laugh next at the Jane’s assessment of him. That he had somehow made her better at expressing herself, when he had gotten so shit at it recently.

“I wish I was better at it myself,” he said nearly to himself. For one of the first times in their conversation, Rob looked up to Jane’s eyes.

Those clear, vibrant eyes he had fallen in love sometime in the distant past. He wondered how he had managed all those years without admitting his affections even to himself. And, even if it weren’t the best course of action in his own mind, he would soon be back with her.

And she would be with others. And so he would be as well. He wondered briefly in that split-second of eye-contact something he had wondered so many times before in this trip; how long it could truly last.

“We’ve only got one more show,” Rob started again, “and then it’s Europe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. Going into a different country and culture every night, being in a big bus with more people, touring with Vicarious…”

Rob trailed off. For both their sakes, he opted not to discuss that last bit any further.

“It’s gonna be crazy. And if we’re not on the same side of it, it could really fuck things up. So…yeah. I guess we should try it.”

Rob swallowed both spit and pride.

“We’re about to be a whole lot closer regardless. You ever think about that bus? I mean, seriously, we’re gonna be pretty damn short on places to fuck alone. Jesus Christ, I feel for Austin, Sam and the others.”

Rob laughed to himself. It’ll work out, he told himself.

It’ll be ok.