[IC] In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

[megatrash]

Jane’s eyes shot to the floor when Rob mentioned being so close with Vicarious on the upcoming tour, something she had thought of all too often, especially over the past few days. She nodded as he spoke, laughing when he brought up the fact that they would have little alone time. “We’re creative. We’ll figure something out,” she nearly whispered as a smirk formed on her face.

“What I said on stage tonight… that wasn’t directed at Zoe. I mean, I know she doesn’t like me, and it was super convenient she was standing on the side stage, but really…” her voice trailed off as she met Rob’s eyes. “I know she’s your, uh, your friend. I just thought I should tell you.”

Jane shook her head as if to clear her mind of her thoughts and took a healthy gulp of the drink Rob had made for her. “Jesus,” she whispered at the strength of it. “Tryna get me drunk, yeah?” She laughed before taking another sip, then put it back down on the table and positioned her body to completely face Rob. “I’m glad we were able to talk about this.” Her voice was calm and quiet, but it was still confident. “I missed talking to you.”

She scratched at her head for a moment before sighing. “There’s something else I missed, too.” Jane only paused for a moment before crawling over to the side of the couch Rob was occupying and settling on his lap with a leg on each side of him. Her hands ran through his hair for a few moments as her eyes scanned his face.

Jane knew for right now, this would work. The energy between the two at that moment was enough to signal that. But she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like a few weeks from now. A few months. She knew she loved him and that it was an unchangeable force she felt. Would she be able to swallow her pride and choke down her emotions long enough to maintain a peaceful union between them? It obviously wasn’t working the way things were, but could she truly be that unselfish? To eventually not want him all to herself.

After kissing his forehead softly, her hand moved to beneath his chin, and she titled his face upward to look at her. “You have any plans tonight?” Her rhetorical question was whispered, and without more than a moment’s pause, she leaned in and kissed him slowly, choosing it as the vessel to express how much she had missed him rather than words. She had done enough talking.

A few minutes passed while Jane remained in the same position, and she broke away from him to look in his eyes. “This is what you want, yeah?” They had both said so much bullshit to please the other that Jane felt the need to make sure that he was completely on board with what they had discussed. “I’m not trying to kill the mood or anything. I just wanna make sure.” In order to allow him the availability to speak yet not to put a halt on what was taking place, Jane’s lips had moved down to his jaw, neck, and ears, maintaining gentleness rather that becoming more aggressive as their time continued together. It reflected how she felt internally: like she was more at his will than the other way around.

It was unusual for Jane to deal with the fear of rejection or pleasing anyone other than herself, and although now she had more freedom not to worry about it, it almost felt nice to want him to want her. And the fact that he would probably start to see other people to ignited the desire to make sure that she stayed on his mind.

[HangYourSecrets]

Feeling Jane’s touch on him again was intoxicating.

She was (and always had been) driven and intentional in her movements. Her body seemed to be so in tune with her mind, and her emotional expressions were very much in her physical strength.

Her fingertips on his skin shot impulses straight through Rob’s body—and her touch and her lips continued to slide across and down him, and he found it increasingly difficult to think straight.

But her words still rang in his mind, partially fuzzed by the alcohol and his own lustful thinking, but still ever-present.

Was this what he wanted? Possibly. So much had gone wrong, perhaps it was best to start slow.

He didn’t want to have said what he had in the first place. He didn’t want to write the song that they had been forced to write and he didn’t want to be controlled by so many different entities. There was so much he did not want it was difficult to decide what it was he did.

It might have been another man’s dream—Jane’s proposition, at least. The idea of an emotionally exclusive relationship while maintaining physical intimacy with others was perhaps one of the great things people expected men to want. Like a sort of goal or pinnacle to reach. And sure, years had passed that Rob had indulged himself in the very same agreements, enjoying the pleasures that he could with little to no remorse the feelings they may or may not have inhibited on others.

But Rob wasn’t like those men. He was weary, confused, and neurotic. The idea of Jane with others was off-putting to him. And sure…it could be fun. For a while. But how close could they become with a revolving door of other men and women kept coming between them? People with different world views and thoughts, feelings, and all different types of shapes and sizes? What then?

It was all something that would be easier to think about; perhaps after he indulged both himself and Jane. Hell, if he was really honest. This was mainly for him.

Rob slipped his arms around Jane. “Yeah,” he breathed out, his heart beginning to race. “Let’s do it.”

Then the world faded away entirely.

—

The next morning, Rob and Jane lay intertwined in bed, comforted by the feelings of the other, and the blankets enveloping them. The sun shone though the windows by the far wall—the first glimmers of dawn gently lulling Rob awake from a light sleep.

He slipped away from Jane quietly, with a gentle kiss given to her as he left, along with a note he penned as he went:

Gonna try to get some practice in while you do that interview. Go tell those fuckers whats up! Love you, Rob.

He left the note in the room where she’d see it, before slipping out entirely, closing the door with a soft clicking noise.

Within a few minutes, he had hailed a taxi and rode to the nearest music studio, making sure to drop off some merch with the owner for the free practice time he had secured via Aaron. It turned out, he had friends all the way out here, too.

He began to practice, working his way through the typical patterns and warm ups, before playing some of his favorite songs.

There was a growing comfort in what had transpired last night. For the first time in a while, Jane and Rob were finally on the same page. They knew what the other wanted, and there wasn’t much need for any clarified feelings or miscommunication. Or, in the very least, not now. Now, he could find some sense of normalcy in his life.

After a few songs had broken a sweat across his brow, he slipped his phone out, looking to find a song to play to. He was, in the end, greeted with a message he had received the night before that he had ignored while he spoke to Jane. It was from Zoe:

10:21 PM, Zoe: Sorry for flipping out at you. I know shit got weird for a bit there, but we can still hang out, right?

Rob thought for a moment, before:

8:56 AM, Rob: I’d like that.

He slipped the phone into his pocket, thinking of what that relationship may become without the threat of hurting other’s feelings. But each time he thought of Zoe, the next thought was of Andy, and his own relationship with Jane. 

And then there was Trent. Caught in the middle of it all.

Maybe touring with Vicarious wasn’t the best idea. But there was no changing it now. They would need to figure these things out in Europe; something that seemed so far away, but was now closer than ever to being a reality. 

Having lost the drive to continue on, Rob set the sticks down and slipped out of the studio with his headphones on. Big Dark Love by Murder By Death played loudly in the speakers by his ears, building endlessly to the final electronic conclusion of the song.

Rob took a drag from a cigarette and let the smoke pour from his lungs into the open air, and thought of what could come next.

[megatrash]

Jane’s arm reached over to the other side of the bed, but instead of being met with Rob’s torso, she felt the sensation of paper crumbling beneath her finger tips. Her eyes fluttered open as she grabbed the note and brought it close to her face.

Gonna try to get some practice in while you do that interview. Go tell those fuckers whats up! Love you, Rob.

A smile tugged at her lips as her finger grazed over the words, but the moment was cut short as she looked to the alarm clock across the room that read 8:39 AM.

“Shit,” she mumbled as she shot up out of bed and began to scurry around the room to collect her things. Her and Sam’s ride to the radio station would be ready in six minutes.

Jane bolted down the hallway and fumbled with the key card before slipping it into the door and bursting inside.

“Jesus, Jane!” Austin yelled as he worked a towel around his waist.

“Sorry!” She yelled back as she dashed into the room where her bags laid sloppily on the floor. “You know where Sam is?”

“Downstairs,” he replied as he shut his room’s door behind him.

Jane tore off the pajamas she had on and quickly worked a white v neck over her head and a pair of gray sweats up her legs. Once ready, she ran back out of the doors and finally made it down to the lobby.

8:44 AM.

Like clockwork, the cab pulled up under the car port just as Jane greeted Sam, and the two of them climbed into the back in silence.

Jane and Sam had never gotten that close. Yes, they were friends, but their bond was not nearly as strong as her and Austin’s, and definitely not like her and Rob’s.

“Hey,” Jane’s hoarse voice cracked. “I just want to say thank you for putting up with me and Rob this whole time. I didn’t realize how much it was effecting everyone.”

Sam nodded. “It’s fine. I’m just worried about Europe. With you and Andy, then Rob and Zoe, who – “

“It’s fine,” Jane interrupted. “Rob and I worked it out. We aren’t exclusive.”

“Do you really think that’s going to work out?” Sam asked as he turned his head to her. “You don’t think at least one of you is going to get your feelings hurt?”

“No, I…” Jane’s voice trailed off. It was stupid trying to defend something she wasn’t sure of herself. “We’ll figure something out.”

*****

Carter: [music from commercial fades] Hey, everyone. We are now joined with Jane and Sam from In Bloom. They originated in Long Beach, California, and tomorrow will be setting off on a European tour with fellow American band Vicarious. How are you guys doing this morning?

Jane: Tired, man. Always tired.

Sam: [laughs] Yeah, me too.

Carter: Well, you both look great for being so exhausted. Alright, Jane, I’m gonna start with you. The new song that you guys released seems to be gaining attention fast. The lyrics are quite morose from the other single you guys put out. Do you mind explaining what they mean to you a little bit?

Jane: Well, I literally wrote the song in an hour, and blame it on me being a female or just crazy, but I’ve been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately, and I kinda just made it sound pretty. I don’t know. The lyrics, uh, they kinda stemmed from a fear I have of not being able to return the love someone gives me because of who I am and what I’m like, you know?

Carter: You don’t strike me as the type to worry about that type of stuff.

Jane: I never thought I was, but this tour has been such a rollercoaster, I guess it just brought out some stuff in me I didn’t know was there.

Carter: I’m sure your relationship with Rob Pennie, your drummer, may have contributed to that.

Jane: [laughs] Yeah, you could say that. Not that anything’s wrong, or he did anything wrong. I don’t know. I think at this age, you feel like you’re supposed to know what you want already, and when you don’t, it eats away at you. Makes you feel like an idiot. And when you’re plowing through life and you don’t know what you want, a lot of people can get hurt.

Carter: Did you hurt Rob?

Jane: I don’t wanna dive too deep into that out of respect for Rob. He’s much more private than I am. But, I don’t think so. We have a strong friendship and deep bond, and we’ll always have that.

Carter: Well, I’m glad you guys found solace in each other out on the road. I know things can get pretty wild out there for bands, especially when its drugs, sex and rock & roll. Now, this is your first interview since those pictures of you were put up on the internet.

Jane: That’s correct.

Carter: And you gave us a little speech about it last night during your set. Some couldn’t help but speculate that you were throwing shade at Vicarious’ bass player.

Jane: No, no. She just happened to be in my line of sight. It wasn’t directed at her. I was mainly speaking to all the people who have made money saying negative stuff about me since In Bloom started blowing up.

Carter: Which seems to have been a lot.

Jane:: Yeah. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. But, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.

[b]Carter{/b]: That’s good. I don’t think enough people focus on your raw talent or your contribution to the band. It’s all too common for women in rock.

Jane: I appreciate that, thank you.

Carter then moved onto Sam, who discussed some of the things he had seen during their performances, different types of guitars he had played in the past, and other music related topics that sent him off of different tangents.

Jane opted to smoke a cigarette while he and Sam finished up, and as she stepped out into the courtyard, she took out her phone and scrolled to Rob’s name.

9:38 AM, Jane: Had fun with you last night.

After locking her cracked phone screen, she sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. Although she’d never admit it, she knew not being exclusive with Rob would partially be difficult, and the fact that she already wanted to be in his arms again after only an hour of being apart solidified it. Maybe it was just Sam getting in her head. She should be happy, right? She could sleep with whoever she wanted, yet still be held by Rob. But, did she even want to sleep with –

Jane’s phone buzzed in her pocket, interrupting her thoughts. Cameron.

Jane: Hey, Cam.
Cameron: Hey, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Lyla is gonna be coming out with you guys to Europe. I arranged the flights and everything with Harold. She’ll be meeting up with you guys tomorrow before you head out.
Jane: Thank you so much, Cam. We’ll take good care of her. I owe you one.

After a bit of banter back and forth, Jane ended the call and wandered back inside to the bathrooms down the hall from the room Sam was in with Carter.

After peeing, she found herself staring at her reflection for a few moments. It was obvious that she had gotten out of bed moments before they left: her hair was wild, not two strands going in the same direction, and her eyes were red from exhaustion. Her fingers traveled to her neck, where a faint mark left by Rob hid behind the blonde waves. Her eyes fixated on it, and flashbacks of the night they had together raced through her mind.

Why did he have such a hold on her? And why did he have to be so good in bed? The combination of the two made her shocked that she wasn’t obsessed with him.

Deep down, she knew why what they had together physically was so good: it was because she loved him. But, she couldn’t let herself dwell on that any longer, especially after the arrangement they made. They weren’t good together in a typical relationship, and Jane didn’t want to put Rob’s feelings in danger just so she could act on hers.

Jane knew that the “love you” said on the note he had written her this morning was probably just said platonically. If she let herself, she could have sat an overanalyzed it. The fact that she had told him she did, and he didn’t say it back.

A knock came to the bathroom door.

“Jane? We’re leaving.” Sam’s voice was muffled as he called through the door.

“Coming.”

*****

When Jane arrived back at the hotel, she opted for slipping back into Rob’s bed after stripping her clothes off her body. She had yet to receive a text back from him, and to allow him his space, she decided not to text him to tell him she was back.

Her phone buzzed, though, and for a moment, she got excited thinking that it may have been Rob.

10:42 AM, Andy: Eat yet?
10:43 AM, Jane: Nah. But I’m kind of beat. Maybe we can meet up later?
10:45 AM, Andy: Sounds good 

Jane sighed and tossed her phone to the other side of the bed before wrapping herself in the plush, white comforter. After a deep inhale, she could smell Rob’s cologne on it, and she couldn’t help but smile.

Jesus, what was wrong with her?

She eventually fell into a deep sleep, just like the one she had awoken from earlier. But somehow, even as she began to drift off, Rob still plagued her thoughts. Him and Andy. And the new adventure they were about to embark on. And how wonderfully and horribly it could all go.

[HangYourSecrets]

Days Later...

They were flying into Berlin.

Outside the windows of the dimmed airplane, the great expanse of the Atlantic Ocean shone slightly as if a brilliant flare of light, as the first sun rays of the next day began to peer out over the horizon.

The past several days had been a blur. First, travel to St. Louis, then a final US show. Then, packing the instruments into crates and a drive immediately to the airport. Next, first flight into Atlanta. Several hours of layover in Atlanta, before a nonstop flight.

After the first several hours, all sense of time began to stop. The trip seemed to stretch far into the night, into the early hours of the morning, and once again back into darkness as America faded far behind them. There had been some interesting moments, and a few fans who had caught up to them and gotten their fair share of autographs, but it had mostly been a silent acceptance of the fatigue that had long since set in.

The fame and fortune of the life of the musician was certainly appealing, but the bitter reality of playing songs constantly, sleeping terribly, and the sheer amount of traveling was one of the least appealing parts of the job.

Still, Rob found some solace in it. There was something interesting to him about flights. Sure, it came with caveats, but overall, being able to travel hundreds of miles in an hour, far above the earth, never lost it’s novelty with him. He enjoyed takeoffs and landings, and the experience of it all. On the flight to Atlanta, he had been placed next to a fan, and was able to tell the kid a bit about the experience, the life, and some other things as well about life. It was always interesting meeting people that seemed so genuinely interested in not only the music, but themselves as well. He hoped that novelty would never be lost on him.

Beyond the unhealthy levels of caffeine surging throughout his system, Rob was able to enjoy looking out this window, in this moment, seeing the peacefulness of all of the expanse man seemed to leave well enough alone.

Moments before landing and Rob was still unsure of the future. Ahead, lay a more interesting tour. All the benefits of playing smaller, intimate shows with the added amenity of riding in a bus instead of driving the old van. The comfort was going to be much larger than it used to be.

But ever growing were the fears of what else would come. The strain of sharing a tour with Vicarious constantly. The new terms and conditions reached with Jane. The worrisome thoughts of her with another. The odd realization that he was almost expected to be with others as well. And the growing thoughts he had of acting on those feelings soon, rather than later.

Next to him, he felt Jane’s body pressed up against him in sleep. She seemed to much more at peace now, especially since what had been decided between the two of them. And if he was being honest, he was so much more at peace as well. It had cleared his head of the constant shame he had been carrying around, as well as the worry that he would use lose her.

Because Rob loved her. He wasn’t sure of when he began to love her, but he knew it was true.

Thoughts of Hayden came with that sort of thinking. The last time he had truly admitted his feelings, he had been scarred for several years. Telling Jane how he really felt, especially now with the casual agreement, felt like a recipe for disaster. He would tell her, of course. But at the right time. In the right place.

So, in a sense, everything had changed, but nothing truly had. Here they were on another tour, bracing for the experiences ahead, feeling sure of themselves but nervous for the road ahead, and having each other.

Full circle.

—

After landing and baggage claim, Harold led the exhausted band members (plus Lyla and Aaron, and their driver, a nice guy named Grant) over to the more industrial side of the airport, past the car lots and drop off, and over to a back corner filled with various trucks and busses. In front of one in particular, he stopped.

“Welcome home, guys,” he said politely.

In front of them was a truly massive black bus. Attached to the back end, a trailer hung, hopefully loaded with all the equipment they had shipped back in St. Louis. All along the sides, the storage doors were open, and airport employees were busy loading the last of their things inside.

“You’ll be in this thing for pretty much the whole tour,” Harold continued. “Well, not for the UK. The whole driving-on-the-wrong-side throws that off, so you’ll probably be back in a rental van for that. I’m still on logistics.”

Logistics. That’s what Harold was the master of. And it was why he was here now. Something about the need to talk to a venue owner in Berlin, or something. It seemed a waste of money, but so far, Harold was keeping all of them on what was basically carte blanche, so Rob didn’t worry so much about it. He never was good with money.

“I’m off to my meetings,” Harold said, turning as quick as he could. “I’ll see you in Britain for the end of the tour.”

And with that, just as quick as Harold had entered their lives in physical form, so he left.

Rob didn’t hesitate to step forward, going into the bus immediately. And in there, it was amazing.

A thick carpet lined the floors, and wood panels made up the walls and ceiling. Past the driver’s section, a nice living area sat with black leather couches and a full granite kitchenette just past it. A television hung from one of the walls, and windows made up a good chunk of the rest. Rob continued inside.

Past a very nice bathroom were the first round of bunks; two on each side, with a curtain to seal themselves off from the outside world. Each looked nice enough.

Moving farther back, four more bunks were in here, past a few closet spaces and another curtain. These seemed to be a bit bigger than the others, and Rob didn’t hesitate to slip his travel bag onto the one on the bottom-left; a clear indication that this one was his.

Rob quickly watched as Sam and Austin slipped in and argued immediately over who would get what, so he eased past and made his way to the front, opening the fridge.

To his surprise, it was stocked full of booze. He pulled out a decent looking ale and opened it, sitting down on the couch and thinking to himself for a moment.

This may not be so bad, and he had only just looked around—he was sure this bus held many more surprises for him.

Entering next was Grant, who offered Rob a nice smile and pulled a water from the fridge, before sitting next to him.

“Enjoy this moment,” Grant said, his accent coming through. Best to hire a European for the European Tour, Harold had argued. “It’ll be, as you would say, the calm before the storm”

“I’m sure,” Rob said. “You tour with bands a lot?”

“Many American bands,” Grant said simply. “Some small-time, some big. Some nice, some…not so nice. People are different.”

“Shit,” Rob breathed out. “That’s true.”

“We will drive to the venue in a moment,” Grant said, suddenly rising and moving to one of the bunks closest to the front of the bus. “Then, I sleep.”

Rob found this rather odd. Harold had gone to great lengths to explain that the best way to fight the jet lag was going to be staying up until night had fallen. And, seeing as how it was still morning, there was a lot more day to be had.

“Why then?” he asked.

Grant gave a soft smile. “While you work, I sleep. While you sleep, I work.” He set his drink down in his bunk, and slipped to the very front, to assumedly set up his own space for his work. He seemed to be a man of few words, which was not surprising. He probably had been doing this for a very long time.

Rob slipped out of the bus, in an effort to see where Jane had gone to, when he saw a familiar figure across the parking lot. Taking a few steps forward, he could tell who it was:

Zoe.

He walked across the lot, approaching a white bus that seemed to be Vicarious’ new traveling vehicle. The members of the band meandered about without noticing Rob’s approach at first; looking just as dead as he felt.

Andy was the first to notice Rob’s approach, and gave a silent stare to him before slipping into his bus was a bag. Rob shrugged off the feeling it gave him and approached Zoe—covered in a hat and sunglasses, and wearing black from a sleeveless graphic tee down to her boots. She was clearly unhappy, but offered a smile when she noticed Rob. She walked up quietly and stopped in place.

“Hey stranger,” she said. Fancy seeing you here.”

Rob laughed, and the two embraced for a moment.

“Glad to see you again,” Rob admitted, pulling away. “I know shit got weird, but—“

Rob felt a finger press against his lips softly. “Leave it in America, dude. We’re in Europe now. Catch you at the venue?”

Rob looked behind him to see the remaining members of Vicarious had vanished into the bus. He leaned in for a moment. “Me?” he asked.

Zoe nodded. “And Jane. Trent’s a bit frustrated half our band wants to fuck half our supporting band. And Andy just straight up doesn’t like you very much.”

Rob blushed slightly. “Well, when you put it that way…”

“What other way is there to put it?” Zoe asked, before slipping away, getting into the bus. “See you later, Jack.”

Rob watched as the door closed, and laughed a bit to himself. "And we're not your supporting band!" He shouted after her.

It was the first time he didn’t mind being called Jack.

--

Turning back to the bus, Rob grabbed some of the other things he would need and loaded them by his bunk. As he did so, he heard a conversation going on between Sam and Austin on the other side of the curtain:

“It was too fucking weird, dude.”

“What?”

“Like, I’m just standing here naked, and all of a sudden Jane comes in—“

“Bullshit.”

“Why else would I tell you that?”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Did she see your dick or not?”

”Guys?” Rob asked, slipping around the curtain and butting right into their conversation. The two both seemed to jump a foot into the air, but Rob ignored it: “Pick your bunks yet?”

“Y-yeah,” Austin stuttered.

“Cool,” Rob said, turning back away. Just wondering.” As he left, Sam spoke up.

“Hey, Rob?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear any of that?”

Rob rolled his eyes. “At this point, Sam,” Rob explained, “I really couldn’t give a fuck.”

Rob slipped back over to the couch and closed his eyes.

He knew he needed to stay awake until after the show tonight, but Jesus was it going to hurt.

He briefly thought of getting up to find Jane, but couldn’t find the energy for it. Still, he really wanted to find her.

Even with all the shit around them, the one thing Rob wanted in this moment was Jane by his side, feeling her warmth and hearing her voice. Talking about anything in the world. Anything, to distract him from this terrible growing anxiety he was feeling.

[megatrash]

The short time leading up to their departure to Europe were some of the best days, in Jane’s opinion, that her and Rob had together since they first began the tour. Hell, since before the single was being written. Without the uncomfortable energy from trying to tip-toe around the other’s feelings, things seemed to be settling down to how they used to be between the two. They were getting along again, just as they did when they were younger, albeit the now almost-constant physical intimacy.

It seemed as though the new arrangement had heightened Jane’s need to be touching Rob whenever she could, whether it was just using him as a pillow, rubbing his arm, or something far more intimate. Once again, without the tension, things seemed to flow much more natural between the two. One of Jane’s favorite attributes to what they had physically is that she never had to verbally express what she needed from him at the given moment; he seemed to read her far better than anyone else she had been with. Sometimes she wanted things to be more slow-burning and passionate, and other times she craved a mood more aggressive and animalistic, devoid of all romance. The point was that she never had to say what she wanted. He always just knew.

It was all beginning to feel like an addiction. And in turn, it was making the thought of her sleeping with someone else much more difficult to grasp than it was previously. In reality, casual relationships were something that Jane was all too familiar with – using someone physically and not worrying about emotions or feelings. But, this was different. Jane had never tried it with someone who she truly cared for (or was falling deeply in love with.) Due to feeling complete satisfaction, the thought of being with others had barely crossed her mind.

But she knew it would, especially since they would soon be spending so much time with Vicarious. Jane did her best not to think of Zoe, but so many factors contributed to the general uneasy feeling she gave her. A major one being that Zoe wanted Rob. Part of her couldn’t be mad – she knew how great Rob was, and Jane didn’t blame her for developing a crush. But the rest of her was fuming that Zoe seemed to hate her without even having a full conversation. It made her wonder what Rob had told her.

Now they were all on a plane together, heading to completely new territory, with no idea what laid ahead of them. Jane was thrilled by it, so much so that she found keeping still for twelve hours a difficult task. Her seat was next to the window, with Rob next to her, and Sam next to him. After a few drinks, Jane got fidgety, and she turned her body away from the window to face him.

“Hey,” she whispered with a smirk on her face. Her fingers slowly grazed the top of his hand and forearm. After a few moments of silence, Jane grabbed his arm to wrap around her body, and she nuzzled her way up until the side of her face rested on his shoulder. “Four more hours,” her voice squeaked quietly as she looked up to him, then her hand reached behind his head and pulled his face down to her so that her lips could meet his. It only felt as if a few seconds passed before she heard a groan from Sam, which made her let go of his neck and, instead, close her eyes and lay on his chest as her hand rested on his stomach. Between the vibration of the plane and the warmth that Rob was providing her, she quickly fell asleep in the semi-fetal position she had made herself comfortable in.

*****

After they approached the bus, Jane remained on the outside to smoke a cigarette, and Lyla followed to continue their conversation. It was obvious as to why Cameron had invited her for an internship in the first place. She was a tall, lanky strawberry blonde who could probably have a shot at modeling if sound engineering didn’t work out. Lyla was born and raised by by a big family in Nebraska, but she explained how bored she got, so she moved to California for school. She was quiet and kind, but Jane assumed that she would loosen up more once she got to know the band.

“And that’s Vicarious’ bus,” Jane said quietly as smoke poured out of her mouth, nodding her head towards it. “You’ll be seeing a lot of them.” Her voice had a hint of annoyance in it.

“Do you guys not get along?” Lyla asked as politely as possible.

“Eh, more like we get along too much,” Jane scoffed. “Zoe and Rob are close, and I’m good friends with Andy. Well. Something like that.”

“Aren’t you and Rob dating?” She cocked her head to the side in curiosity.

Jane smirked. “Casually. Whatever that means. We’ve been friends for years.”

Lyla nodded, grabbing a cigarette from the pack as Jane held it to her. “How is that working out?”

Jane lit a second cigarette to make up for lost time on the plane. “It’s a new arrangement, so we’ll find out.” She scratched at her head in thought, and they smoked in silence together, then she stomped her cigarette on the asphalt below. “You ready?”

Lyla nodded and followed Jane onto the bus just as Austin and Sam began to jog down the stairs in a hurry, and she couldn’t help but notice Austin’s reluctance to make eye contact with her.

“When are we headin’ out?” Jane called behind her.

“Half hour,” Austin yelled back. He still didn’t look back to her.

“You know I’ve seen your dick before, right?” Jane shouted again, this time with a smile on her face.

When Austin’s face whipped around to look at her, his cheeks presented a red hue. “Shut the hell up, Molloy.”

Jane erupted in laughter and shook her head, continuing her entrance into the large bus that had been rented to them for the tour. “Jesus,” she whispered to herself as her eyes scanned their new home. She spotted Rob on the couch and smiled, noting how exhausted he looked already, then dragged her bags down the narrow hallway that led to the bunks that lined the walls. Jane spotted Rob’s bag on a back bunk, and she swung her duffle bag on the bunk on top.

Lyla looked to be getting set up in a bunk in the front section, and Jane smiled as she walked back towards Rob on the couch, plopping down next to him and kissing him forcefully. “Sorry,” she whispered, but her tone betrayed her words. “You weren’t kidding about the lack of privacy.” Her eyes looked around the bus once again, then they landed back onto his. “We’re gonna have to figure out something before the set tonight.” She kissed his his cheek softly before standing up and heading over to the fridge to grab a beer. “We’re also gonna need to figure out a way to stay awake ‘til then. I doubt Andy got his stash through airport security.”

Once she took her first swig of beer, Jane sat back down in Rob’s lap and sighed as her body went limp in his arms. Part of her hated how much she wanted to be touched by him constantly, platonically or not. Her whole life, Jane could get by on high fives and sex with nothing in between and be satisfied, but now, even something as simple as his arms wrapped around her or his hand on her leg sent chills down her spine, which, she felt, was contradicting the agreement they came to. How were things supposed to be casual if just the label itself was making her want to be around him more and more? Well, she knew that if she decided to be physically intimate with someone else, it wouldn’t be like what her and Rob had. It couldn’t be.

Austin and Sam stumbled on to the bus immediately before Grant announced that they would be leaving for the venue. Jane sighed at the news, but politely nodded to the driver before lifting herself off of Rob. “I guess I’ll go get ready, then, yeah?”

Jane moved to the back of the bus and crawled onto the top bunk. Being in such a small space with everyone would definitely take some getting used to, and she was reminded of that when her hands thumped the ceiling above her when she attempted to take off her shirt, causing a groan. In a hurried manner, she quickly put on a large black tee shirt, but opted to keep her jean shorts on to avoid the hassle of attempting to get them off.

Once dressed, she laid down in the bed and sighed. Her mind wouldn’t stop wandering to Rob, how things were going to be in Europe, when he would sleep with Zoe… It was all so frustrating and great at the same time, her and Rob, which was nothing new. But, it was getting harder and harder to hide her attachment and growing feelings for him. It was even harder to not be sure if he felt the same.

[HangYourSecrets]

Walking around on a moving bus was going to take some getting used to.

Although it was a quick drive to the venue, something about the ground moving from beneath you was starting to make Rob queasy. Anything longer for a half hour, and he would probably need to close his eyes.

Good thing he was spending the rest of the month and more in the wretched little thing. Large enough for the four of them, plus three extra was one thing. But given enough time, any place is too small for someone.

Rob spent some of that travel time in his bottom bunk. Aside from having to stoop down to nearly the floor to climb in, it seemed roomy enough for him. A lamp could bring down enough light for reading, and the curtain which he could open and closed was definitely thick enough to bring him near-total darkness. After weeks of this he assumed this was going to be the best feature.

He closed the curtain and felt around the bed, especially the ceiling and how much room it would give him. Or rather, as he was currently accessing…them.

“Yeah…” Rob muttered to himself, imagining positions in his head. “…Maybe it could work.”

The bus came to a stop soon enough, and the doors were opened. They were parked presently in a fenced-off dirt lot, which lined up against the back of the venue. The venue itself was a small black building, and from what Rob read from documents Harold sent occasionally, the audience pit was little more than the space between the bar and the stage.

Somewhere between 200 and 300 people this night… Rob remembered from a conversation he had with Harold back in Atlanta. Or was it St. Louis? He was too tired to recall.

Either way, In Bloom had never really played a venue quite like this. Not headlining. Or…rather, half-headlining. One of the deals Harold struck with Vicarious’ tour manager was that the two bands would alter who went first on a night-by-night basis. The difference in their popularity overseas was razor-thin (although Harold hinted that the edge went to In Bloom), so it seemed to be the best was of settling the matter.

The venue itself was open and accepting of the two bands, or so Rob had been told. One of the nice perks of this particular venue (and hopefully some others) was that they’d be able to look and feel all around the stage and location hours before a single patron entered the doors. The element of surprise was just a bit higher this time around, rather than setting up as the audience watched.

It all felt a good bit more traditional than the festival circuit, which was a welcome change to Rob. But he wasn’t ready to check out the inside just yet…

As everyone exited the bus, Rob slipped a hand around Jane’s arm, holding her back. With the other, he pressed a button, closing the bus door.

“You know,” he said, “this might be our only chance today.” He stood behind her, and slipped his head around her’s, kissing the side of her neck.

“Let’s see how these bunks work out.”

As the two made their way to the back (where no windows lie, thankfully), Rob caught a glance from Austin, who seemed to be heading back to the bus. He stopped in his tracks, and furled a brow.

Rob simply gave him the finger, and both he and Jane slipped to the back of the bus, and closed the curtain.

—

Afterwards, Rob found himself in the venue’s bathroom. Space had been tight in the bus, and Rob needed a more open place to wash his face off and make sure he gave off no obvious signs of what had happened.

Not that it really mattered. Not to anyone in the band. Grant would probably be nonplussed, Aaron supported, and Lyla…Rob didn’t even know. The two had barely exchanged words, but he was sure he’d get to know her at some point.

Somewhere in the back of his head, he found himself more worried about Zoe than anything else when it came to showing marks. Which worried him. Why did he care so much about that?

Trying not to think too much on it, Rob slipped a thin hoodie over his body, wearing the sleeves down, instead of his usual pushed-up style. He found it uncomfortable, but both of his forearms contained scratches that still shined a bright red.

Splashing water on his face, Rob finished up and slipped out into the venue.

It was a clean enough place.

The walls were styled in an older, almost victorian fashion. The bar was open already for the band, and Austin, Rob, and Aaron talked here. The old wooden floors led Rob to the stage, raised just three feet above the ground. Tonight, Vicarious would open, so Trent was already hard at work setting up his kit. Once Vicarious finished tonight, he would help Rob set up his kit in order to minimize time between sets.

“What’s up, man,” Rob offered, sitting at the edge of the stage. “Wie gehts?”

“Dude, I don’t know shit about german,” Trent countered, but looked up, wiping his brow and smiling. “But I’m good.”

Rob stood to his feet and helped Trent set the rest of the kit up. “Manage to sneak your stash across the pond?” He asked.

Trent shook his head. “I’m just as desperate as you,” he said, “but I’ll let ya know when I find someone.”

“I hate to ask, but—“ Rob started. Trent quickly cut him off:

“Zoe?”

“Yeah.”

“Still on the bus, I think,” Trent said softly. “probably arguing with Andy again.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know man,” Trent sighed. “Shit’s been stressful lately. It isn’t like this normally. Or ever. We’re not dramatic people.”

“Sorry,” Rob started. “I don’t know how much of that is me or any other In Bloom person, but—“

“Don’t be,” Trent said. “We’re got our shit to deal with, same as you. Hopefully no one kills anyone this tour. But don’t count on it.”

Rob laughed. “Fuckin’ weird, isn’t it? Being here?”

“Yeah,” Trent responded. “Fuckin’ weird indeed.”

Rob slipped away shortly afterward, grabbing a beer from the bar and googling the band—something he picked up doing in the downtime, just to see what was being said.

The usual stuff graced his screen. Odd rumors, responses to Jane’s last interview, various talking heads…

…and an article concerning Zoe and Jane.

It was weird reading about two women he had grown to care for like this: some impersonal article claiming they have some sort of rocky relationship, and how it would ruin the tour. Rob, being the intermediate between the two, couldn’t help but feel just a bit responsible for the article even existing. Even if it had nothing credible in it.

“What’s up?” A voice same. Rob’s phone nearly shook out of his hand as he looked up.

Lyla, of all people. This was the first time they had directly spoken.

“Shit, sorry,” Rob stuttered out. “I got caught up in this article.”

“About the band?” She asked. Rob nodded, then: “There’s some crazy stuff out about you guys these days.”

“Yeah,” Rob agreed. “It’s starting to really get to me.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” she started, grabbing a beer from the counter, “a good bit of the people you’ll be playing at tonight hardly know English.”

Rob laughed softly, and saw Lyla extend a hand out. He shook it. “Good to meet you,” he said honestly, and she slipped away as soon as she came, without so much as time to get a read on her.

Aaron came up like clockwork behind her, having broken away from some conversation with Grant across the venue. He immediately pointed over to where Lyla had gone.

“Oh,” he said, nervous, “you met Lyla. How was that?”

Rob gave a questioning stare. This was unlike Aaron. “Fine, I guess. Just said hey.”

“She didn’t, you know, mention me or anything?”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Rob through out in an exasperated tone. “Already?”

“I’m just curious,” Aaron said. He seemed embarrassed, more than anything.

“Enough people are fucking each other on this tour, trust me,” Rob said. He pointed to the few unfamiliar faces from Vicarious’ side. “Go try for one of their roadies or something.”

Aaron walked off without another word, leaving Rob to laugh at what had happened. He supposed it wasn’t surprising, given Lyla’s looks. Somebody would be going after that. If not Aaron, than Austin or Sam for sure.

Rob got himself up from the bar and walked over to another free person: Andy. Having never had a conversation with the man, he figured it would be now or never.

With each step closer, the more he began to want to turn back. Perhaps it was better if this didn’t happen. Perhaps if they didn’t talk—

“Hey,” Rob tossed out before he could turn back. He found Andy by a window looking down to the front of the venue. Out here, a crowd of about twenty people stood, waiting.

“Already people waiting for us,” Andy said, without looking to Rob. “I wonder who they want to see.”

Soon, a fan noticed the two band members, and a few looked up, waving and cheering. “I don’t know,” Rob said honestly. “Hopefully both of us.”

It was Andy to leave this time—turning on his heel and sliding over to the others, who were seemingly all getting to know each other.

Rob, Jane, Austin, Sam, Grant, Aaron, Lyla.

Trent, Andy, Matt, Zoe, David the roadie, and another guy and girl Rob couldn’t recognize.

Fourteen of them touring together.

This could be a mistake.

[megatrash]

Jane felt as if she were in a trance as she exited the bus into the street, illuminated slightly by a setting sun in the east. She took a deep breath as her eyes scanned both directions for the back entrance to the venue, and once the small black door was located, she made her way through to the venue. The AC that blasted against her skin dampened with sweat caused a chill to run down her spine as she slowly trailed the back hallway out into the main room. A bar sat almost immediately to her right, and a stage to her left, and she noticed the small amount of space between the two. She shrugged – it wasn’t like In Bloom’s first night in Europe was going to be a sold out show – and she made her way to a barstool, plopping down into it and taking a deep breath.

It would be impossible, especially for Jane, to verbalize the gratefulness she felt for having Rob back in her life without any tension between the two. It had been so long since the both of them spent time together without any undertones of anger, disappointment, or unspoken affection. Now, they both were able to be together without any of the trivial bullshit of a ‘real’ relationship. How could Jane not be happy?

Well, there was one undeniable fact. That anytime Jane even thought of Rob, she fell deeper and deeper for him. And while that alone wasn’t something awful, the inevitability that he and Zoe would wind up being intimate crushed her. She knew that wasn’t fair, logically, but her mind couldn’t help wander to those thoughts as she laid next to him at night. It made her feel even worse that she would probably have sex with someone else, too.

Jane was a different animal than Rob. She loved to be physical without attachment. But her opinions of Rob and how he viewed sleeping with someone wasn’t that simple. She felt like he would, if he hadn’t already, would begin to grow feelings for Zoe if they starting hooking up. And that was what haunted her thoughts. Jane could deal with him sleeping with someone else but wanting to come lay with her at night, but not him emotionally being satisfied with someone else. It was her own insecurities triggering these thoughts. She knew she could keep anyone satisfied physically. But mentally? She wasn’t sure. Especially with someone as thought-driven and intelligent as Rob.

After being served her rum and coke, her fingers touched the ice cubes thoughtlessly, making them bob down into the brown liquid, when the sound of someone next to her shook her out of her own head.

“Hey,” Andy’s deep voice seemed to boom in her ears.

Jane swiveled her body to face him a bit, and at the sight of him, she smiled. “How’ve you been?” It had been a few days since they had a decent conversation, mostly because of how wrapped up in Rob she was.

“Not as good as you,” he chuckled as his fingers touched the side of her neck.

Her eyes widened, and her hand reached up to her neck subconsciously, grazing his fingers. “Jesus,” she whispered.

Andy’s laughed deepened as he watched her. “Things must be good between you two, huh?”

She smiled as she took a sip of her drink. “Yeah.” Her hand went back to her lap, and when her eyes scanned her arm, she noticed the light bruises on her wrists and forearms.

His eyes also looked, then met hers. But before he can speak, Jane intercepted.

“It’s me,” her voice lowly pushed out. “I, uh, I like it rough usually.”

Andy’s eyes widened as she spoke. “Looks like it.” The bartender stopped in front of him, and he ordered a beer. “My friend Hendrick is coming tonight. He might be able to get us something fun.”

Jane perked up at his words. “That would be amazing. I need something. Anything.” She began to laugh at herself and shook her head. “Listen to me. I sound like a fucking junky, yeah?” She took a sip of her drink and sighed.

“I’m the same way. Sometimes alcohol just doesn’t do it.” Andy raised his glass and clinked it against hers. “You look beautiful tonight, Jane.”

His words caught her off-guard, and in an attempt to understand what he was saying, she looked down at herself. A wrinkled t-shirt, a pair of faded, denim shorts, and a large flannel that hung to her sides. “You’re joking, right?” Another sip of her drink. “I obviously just got done banging another guy. I’m sweaty and dressed like a middle-school boy, hicky on my neck and all, and you think I look beautiful.” Her voice hinted at her disbelief. “You probably need to raise your standards, Andy.”

“That stuff doesn’t bother me,” he admitted quietly but confidently. “Who I’ve gotten to know shines through all of that.”

Jane scratched at her scalp awkwardly at an attempt to find what to say in response. “I don’t…”

“ – I don’t want to date you, Jane,” he interrupted. “I’m just telling it how it is.”

It was a relief to hear that Andy wasn’t developing feelings like that for her. Jane couldn’t cater to that, especially since what she felt for Rob was so overpowering. But, she couldn’t help but smirk at what he said. There was an attraction of a different nature for Andy that she felt. But was it too soon? Her and Rob had just came to their agreement days ago. “You’re not so bad yourself.” The words almost felt wrong coming out of her mouth, but she wasn’t lying.

Before Andy could respond, a blonde man came behind him and patted his shoulder. “Andy!” he exclaimed. “I never thought I’d see you again.” His words with drenched with a thick German accent.

Andy swiveled around and embraced the man. “Hendrick! Ah, I’m so glad to see you. This is Jane,” he turned back around and waved an arm at her. “Jane, this is Hendrick. He was a foreign exchange student at my high school years ago. We always kept it touch.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jane offered a hand, and Hendrick shook it firmly.

“Your girlfriend?” he asked eagerly.

Andy laughed. “No. A friend. She’s in the other band we’re touring with.”

“Ah, I see, I see. Well, Jane, I already know Andy’s response, but do you smoke?”

Jane’s eyes lit up. “Yes. Please.” She laughed. “I’d kill for a joint right now.”

Hendrick also laughed. “Well, I’ll smoke you out. I also have a few extras if you want to buy. I have some Xanax too, but – “

“I’ll take one. And five joints.”
Both Hendrick and Andy smirked. “Well, you’ve got it.” He flipped around the backpack he was wearing and dug through it until he found a pill bottle. “Here’s that.” He rummaged around some more. “And,” he began as his eyes scanned around them, “are the joints.”

They discussed a price, and after searching around in her purse, Jane took out crumpled American dollars and handed it to them. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No! Easy enough to exchange. Most of my profit is made from tourists.” Hendrick smiled politely and nodded. “I’m gonna find Trent, I’ll catch you around Andy?”

He nodded. “Yeah, man. Our set’s at ten. Find me before then and we’ll smoke.”

*****

After an hour or so of bullshitting, Jane really began to feel the effects of the narcotic coursing through her. “Shit,” she mumbled. “I don’t even think I wanna play a show anymore.” Her words were slurred, but lighthearted.

As if on cue, a man dressed in all black tapped her shoulder. “You’re on in five. Tell the others.”

Jane nodded and turned to say goodbye to Andy when he grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him, and once in range, he kissed her passionately.

At first Jane complied, allowing herself to be engulfed in the moment, but a few moments, she pushed him away. “Andy, I don’t know if – “

“ – you’re ready yet?” Andy finished her sentence, a somber tone to his voice. “I get it.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just… Things are good right now. I don’t wanna fuck it up yet. I know I will eventually.” Her hand rose and touched his cheek. “You’ll be the first to know.” Jane retracted her hand and walked away, pushing the black door back to the street outside. Her eyes scanned for Rob in the sea of show-goers, and as they recognized her, the crowd began to murmur.

“That’s her!” she heard from someone in the line.

“Oh shit,” she mumbled to herself. Jane felt way too high to talk to strangers. “Hi, hi, excuse me, hi, thank you,” she kept repeated as she made her way down to the street to the parked bussed. Her eyes desperately scanned for him, and when she saw his head, notably poking out from the shorter people around him, she also saw Zoe’s dark hair facing away from her and towards Rob. They were just talking, but in a moment of inebriation and pure selfishness, Jane felt a flash of anger and quickly turned herself around, plodding back towards the venue.

Why was she getting so emotional over him talking to her? It was pretty ridiculous, even to Jane, but yet she couldn’t help but feel tears begin to burn her eyes as she pulled open the door once again and charged towards the bar.

“Two tequila shots, please.”

*****

Jane found herself front and center on the stage, with the bright lights burning her skin. “Hey, everyone.” She was still slurring her words. “We’re In Bloom from California. Thanks for coming out tonight.”

Throughout the set, although hitting each note as always, there was lack of enthusiasm behind her performance. It was partly due to the Xanax, but also the undeniable fact that she had gotten insanely jealous over nothing. It made her hate herself.

They were supposed to cover Weatherman, but when it’s turn came alone in the set list, Jane introduced the song that was supposed to be played later so that they would skip it. The last song she was in the mood for was Weatherman.

After what felt like an hour, Jane bid her farewell to the crowd and rushed off the stage, and once outside, nearly sprinted to the tour bus, closing the door behind her. She terrified the driver, Grant, to had been asleep in his bunk. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay. We’ll probably go soon, yes?”

“I hope so,” Jane mumbled as she made her way to the back of the bus. Once in front of both her and Rob’s bunk, one on top of the other, she stared at his. The curtain was pushed open, and the sheets were still in a tangled mess from earlier. She closed the curtain that divided the set of bunks and stripped down, leaving her sweaty clothes on the floor, and after digging in her purse, she pulled out a joint and placed it on Rob’s pillow before climbing up into her bunk.

If she wasn’t already so high, she would probably smoke a joing herself, but the world already felt as if it were spinning beneath her, so instead, she closed the curtain that hid her bunk and pulled up the thin blanket around her nude body.

Why did her stupid feelings have to ruin something that seemed so good? Things had been so amazing between them, she would be a complete idiot to fuck it up.

But yet, she laid in her bed alone, hoping desperately that Rob would come back to the van and not stay out with Zoe, although he had every right to. The buzz she had eventually led her into a deep, dark sleep, so deep that when the Grant has asked her a question, one she couldn’t remember, she could only grunt in response before her eyelids became too heavy to keep open.

[HangYourSecrets]

“It’s all set up?” Rob asked a stage hand, setting down the last of his drum hardware. The coolest part of these smaller venues were the knowledgable stagehands. Unlike huge venues, these people practically breathed these old buildings—knowing everything about acoustics, sound design, and more. Aaron had even been impressed, and impression Aaron in sound design was quite a hard feat.

“All set,” the stage hand said. Satisfied, Rob made his way back to the bar. He was nearly to Jane, who seemed to be talking to Andy and another guy. Something about the minimal interaction he had had with the frontman was beginning to bother him. The way Andy would look at him, he felt like…well, he supposed he felt like how Zoe felt about Jane.

Frustrated that someone would dislike him for no clear reason or motive. But, still, Rob wanted to find a course of action that would make amends. He was nothing if not pragmatic, and touring with enemies with not a goal of his.

He was just about in earshot of the bar, when a small hand wrapped itself around his wrist.

Zoe pulled Rob around and motioned for the back door.

“You’ll be playing an hour-long set here soon,” she said. “Don’t you think you could take a break from it?”

Rob shot one last look to the bar, before realizing he probably hadn’t had been noticed yet. Nodding, he followed Zoe to the door, slipping his hoodie on and sunglasses, and making a break for the Vicarious tour bus, and entering before a single soul could recognize either of them. Funny, how that worked out for them. The bassist of one band and the drummer of another could slip out in front of their own concert-goers, unnoticed. Rob was sure no matter how wrapped in clothing Jane got, she would be immediately recognized. Perks of being a rhythm section member, he supposed.

Inside of the bus, Rob and Zoe found themselves alone. Apart from the driver, who slept surprisingly still upright in his seat, each other person was either inside the venue or at some other location.

Zoe moved to the back of the bus, where the large bed sat as opposed to bunks, and threw herself on it.

“Shit,” she muttered into the sheets. “I can’t deal with that many people. Gives me a headache.”

Rob sat down on the bed next to her. “I guess I’m just frustrated at why I’m already enemies with some of those people.”

Zoe lifted her head from the sheets and looked to Rob. “Get used to it. It seems to be a running thing with these people.”

After that, neither of them spoke for a bit, and Rob laid himself down onto the bed and closed his eyes.

Zoe hooked her phone up to the speaker system set up in the room, and the odd meter and Radiohead-esque sounds of The Window by Thrice filled the room. Over the altering meter and beat, Rob could hear the words:

I found a note scratched in the wall
In a pained and earnest scrawl
The hand I recognized was somehow mine already slight with dread
There's no wind and there's no light
There's no song in here at night
There's nowhere to hide, we're terrified
It's all inside of your head

And as the song devolved into the breakdown, and ringing guitars and syncopated hits filled the room, Rob found himself longing for this sort of sound to be meshed into the sound of In Bloom. Sure, what they had was strong, but it always felt like a constant battle between Rob’s and Jane’s desires for the sound to be a certain way. Especially these days.

“So,” Zoe said soon after the song faded out, “I, uh, I don’t know how to ask this, but—“

“Jane,” Rob finished. Zoe’s silence was as strong as a confirmation from her.

“We’re doing good, I guess,” Rob continued. “We agreed on some better terms, so I think we’ll be far less dramatic going forward. I’m just glad for it since we’ll all be so close during this tour. …And I think that’s why the Andy thing frustrates me so much.”

“What terms?” Zoe asked simply.

“We’re casual now, I guess,” Rob said. “And yeah, after all that bullshit I caused asking that of her in the first place, here we are again. Except this time I’ve got a little more peace about it.”

“You didn’t seem to have peace about it back in Minneapolis.”

“That just feels like so long ago,” Rob said. His eyes were locked to the ceiling, but he felt Zoe inching her body closer to his on the bed. “And I know that was hardly a week ago at this point, but trust me when I say I feel like a different person now than I did then.”

“A lot has happened,” Zoe said, softer now.

“Yeah,” Rob sighed. “I guess it’s just nice to decompress like this. After all the traveling and touring. We’re locked into a better schedule with much less hassle now. It’s—“

Rob cut himself off as he felt Zoe’s arm wrap around his torso. It was only then that Rob realized what Zoe was doing the whole time he was ranting.

“Zoe, I—“ Rob uttered out. He felt Zoe place her head on his chest, and rest there.

“We’re just decompressing,” she whispered. “It’s okay.”

Rob’s tension slowly left his body, and he instinctually raised a hand, sliding it into her hair.
There was nothing wrong with what was happening. So why did it feel wrong?

Rob’s eyes slowly shut, and neither of them moved for a few minutes. A knock came at the bus door after a while, and Zoe rose without a word to see what was happening. Rob quickly got up from the bed, and straightened himself out, before following Zoe to the door.

“Look at this,” Zoe said, beckoning Rob to the window.

Outside, two young german women were smiling and knocking on the door, trying hard to peer into the one-way glass that separated the outside world from the bus. Behind them, two security guards marched forward, probably wondering how the two girls had gotten this close to the bus.

Zoe reached for the door handle.

“Wait,” Rob said. “If they see I’m in here—“

“They’ll what?” Zoe asked, “Make some blog post about it? At this point, it doesn’t even matter.”

Zoe opened the door before Rob could say anything else. She stepped outside of the bus, talking to the two girls and answering their questions as best she could. Rob slipped out of the bus as well, closing the door behind him and trying to keep a low profile.

Unfortunately for them, the rest of the waiting crowd had looked over to see the commotion, and soon, several of them made their way over.

By the time those two security guards had made it, they could only keep watch, as Zoe and Rob both engaged fans, trying to make their way to the venue.

In all of the madness, Rob hear a few shouts of “Jane,” and “it’s her,” and looked up to see what was going on.

He could only just see the back of Jane’s head, as she walked away, towards the venue. Why was she out here?

“Alright, move back!” The security guys chanted, and moved Zoe and Rob from the crowd to the back door, letting them into the back of the venue.

As soon as they had arrived, Zoe slipped into a green room labeled ‘Vicarious.’

“Catch up with you later,” she said. “Good luck!”

The door closed quickly behind her, and Rob was left in search of Jane and his other band members.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that he felt this unnecessary guilt about what had happened. All the two had done was lay in a bed for a few minutes together. Why was he feeling this way? Perhaps it was because he saw Jane, or perhaps it had been because…he enjoyed it?

So much for simplicity.

“Where’ve you been?” A voice came from his right. Rob turned to see Sam, who tossed him a pair of sticks. “We’re about to go on.”

“Sorry,” Rob said, following him to the side of the stage. “It’s been weird today.”

—

During the set, Rob could help but notice Jane’s lack of enthusiasm on stage. No matter what was going on behind the scenes, Rob felt like Jane would always put on a great show. It was part of their act, and, if he was being honest, part of why they grew this large in this first place.

But here, on the first stop of the tour, Jane seemed to almost slur her words, hitting the notes but hardly doing much more than that. And the attitude seemed almost contagious, as Rob found himself keeping the tempo, rather than playing the part to satisfaction.

When it was time to play Weatherman, Jane had introduced the song afterwards just moments before Rob was going to count them off. Austin shot a glance back to him, to which he could only shrug, and count them into the next song. It was sad, really, especially since Weatherman was one of the more fun covers they played.

Once the setlist finished, the band slipped off quietly, and Rob ended up grabbing a microphone and thanking everyone for coming out themselves. He then made his way to the back, grabbing a drink from the table.

“Where the fuck is Jane?” Austin asked, approaching the table as well.

“I don’t know,” Rob said, “I haven’t talked to her much today. Did I miss something?”

“Not that I know of,” Austin shrugged off. “I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Hey, guys?” Somebody asked behind them. Both men turned around to see their new busmate, Lyla, standing around with a bundle of XLR cords. “I could use some help with teardown.”

Rob nodded, and both of them went off, helping Lyla pack up their audio equipment, and tearing down their own stuff, before helping Aaron load the merch back onto the trailer connected to the bus. By the time the band was set to leave, it was the early hours of the morning, and Rob was pretty confident he had been awake for nearly 24 straight hours.

Inside the bus, Grant was just beginning to warm the bus up for the trip to the next stop, and congratulated the band on the success of the first show. Rob thanked him, and slipped to the back of the bus.

A pile of clothes greeted him along the floor, and next to his head, Rob could see Jane had pulled herself into bed a while ago. In his own bunk, a joint lay on the clean sheets, and Rob silently thanked her for the gift, slipping it into his bag.

Within five minutes, Rob had brushed his teeth, torn off the clothes that had long since dried of sweat, and slipped into his bunk.

For a first show, things had gone much less smoothly than he had hoped. He was working through fighting of feelings of monogamy, on top of the fact that a growing schism was forming between members of the two bands. On top of that, Jane had acted increasingly strange, and the two of them hadn’t spoken since earlier on the bus.

Was that going to be the new normal? Rough sex, then silence? Rob hoped not. Loosing one of the most constant people in his life was what Rob had feared the most. It was why he hesitated to tell her how he felt in the first place, why he mistakenly suggested the new terms of the relationship, and ultimately why he agreed to those terms in the first place. After all of that, things were still growing stranger by the day, and Rob had to admit to himself…it was only serving to make him long to be away from it all.

He thought of Zoe as well. What they had done. How calm it had been. If only things were so simple with his own relationship.

If only things were so simple with Jane.

[megatrash]

Jane had awoken in a hazy state at some point during the night, and bits and pieces of the performance began to flood her memory, causing her to groan. It was an idiotic way of coping with emotions, but she was all too familiar with it – running to booze or drugs to mask any pain she might be feeling. To make matters worse, she didn’t even understand the pain she was feeling. The arrangement that her and Rob made was very clear. Andy kissed her. Why would she be upset that Rob was hanging out with Zoe?

It was either the confusion or the beginning stages of a hangover, but her head began to throb as she laid in silence. Her hand reached up to the curtain that sectioned her bunk off from the rest of the van, and after tugging on it, she saw that both Sam and Austin’s curtains across from her were also closed. A signal that she would be able to climb down without being seen. She sighed as she mentally encouraged herself to get up, although feeling extremely sluggish, and in a swift motion, she descended from her bunk and crawled into Rob’s, closing the curtain behind her.

He was deep in sleep, seemingly unaware of her presence, and Jane gently maneuvered herself into the “little spoon” position, pulling his arm around her and the blanket up over them. Any sense of guilt or regret was instantly replaced with the warm euphoria of his much larger frame engulfing hers, a reminder of the multiple times they had slept this way together before they knew each other’s true feelings.

Jane had mixed feelings about those days. In a way, they were much simpler than the present – no constant navigation around the other’s feelings, no unspoken resentment or mixed signals. But Jane knew now that she couldn’t give up being intimate with Rob, and that included more than just physically. He was so many things that she wasn’t: responsible, logical, thoughtful… His presence alone brought such a balance to Jane’s energy that she hadn’t known she needed. And for once, in both a completely selfless and selfish way, she wanted to be the one he ran to when he was upset. Not Zoe. She wanted to be the only one to take care of him, emotionally and physically. She wanted to be enough for him.

But, Jane was still unsure that she could be that for him. And, to be frank, it fucking sucked.

It also sucked that the one person that she would hook up with was becoming less and less appealing as her attraction to Rob grew. It wasn’t that Andy had changed. He was great, and Jane was truly appreciative of him and the friend he had been to her. But, if she had to be completely honest, the thought of being with anyone but Rob was becoming drastically unsatisfying. That was

Jane’s racing mind eventually slowed down as she succumbed to the comfort she was feeling in the small bunk, and her eyes began to flutter shut before she fell back into a deep sleep.

*****

The body behind Jane began to a stir a bit, causing her to wake up once again, but this time, she felt much better. She worked to turn her body around to face him, and after settling in a comfortable position, she lightly began to kiss his chest and collarbones. “I’m sorry,” she began, whispering words between kisses, “about last night… I got… way too fucked up… I won’t let it… happen again.”

Jane pulled on his shoulder to scoot herself up a bit, then moved her attention to his neck and ear. “I just had… a weird night…” Her fingers ran through his hair softly, letting her nails graze lightly against his scalp. She founder her conscious begging for her to tell Rob the truth: that the whole casual thing was becoming something she didn’t want, and that she would rather just be with him and work out the bullshit. And that with each passing day, she was falling in love with him more and more.

But Jane decided against it, and instead, she continued to kiss him, now scratching his back slowly. ”Maybe I should say something,” she thought to herself. But was it worth ruining what they had?

Maybe.

“Rob… I have to – “

“Jesus Christ, Jane, its 7:15,” a familiar voice groaned from the bunk across from them.

Jane winced as she whispered back “Sorry, Aust.” Her eyes flicked up to Rob and smiled faintly. “We’ll finish this later, yeah?” She pressed a kiss into his chest and forced herself up to a sitting position, peering out of the curtain to make sure that Austin’s and Sam’s were still closed, and after scooping her clothes up off the floor, she quickly shimmied the long shirt over her body that hit about mid-thigh and dug a cigarette out of her purse. As she exited their part of the van, she nearly ran into the Lyla who had just been getting up.

“Smoke?” Jane whispered as she held her cigarette.

Lyla nodded and followed her outside to the front of the van.

The morning was crisp, barely illuminated by the white, overcast clouds covering the rising sun. Jane glanced over to Vicarious’ bus parked about 30 feet away, which showed no sign of life yet.

“Hey,” Jane’s raspy voice broke the silence as it struggle to produce a sound any louder than a whisper, “I swear not all nights are like last night. That was probably my worst set to date.” She cleared her throat then took a drag of the cigarette.

“I know,” Lyla replied, her voice the opposite of Jane’s – smooth and feminine. “I’ve seen videos of your sets before. Cameron’s a big fan.”

Jane scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve gotten the hint.” She smiled faintly at Lyla. “I usually try not to get that high before a show. I was just, I don’t know.”

“I saw you,” Lyla paused to take a drag, “when you were heading towards the busses. You saw Rob and looked like you were gonna have a break down right there on the sidewalk.”

Jane rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Yeah. I don’t know, man. I’m usually not the jealous type. Like, really, really not. But, knowing that they’re probably gonna hook up eventually just irks me.”

“I get it,” Lyla put a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “You don’t want to be casual anymore?”

Jane scratched the back of her neck. “I honestly have no clue anymore. I never thought I was built for monogamy, but now he’s the only person I wanna be with. And I wanna be the only one he wants to be with.”

Lyla flicked her cigarette and crossed her arms. “You’re in love.”

“Jesus,” Jane whispered with a smirk on her face. “Enough with this shit. What about you, huh? You have a boyfriend at home?”

“Yeah,” Lyla smiled. “Joey. A sweet guy. A little boring, but he’s a good guy. Takes care of me.”

Although Jane nodded in agreement, she could never understand the mentality of girls like Lyla in relationships like that. Why would you want to be in a relationship that doesn’t excite you? Where there’s no passion, but just functionality? Many people could function together, but it takes a special person to light another on fire.

And that’s how she felt about Rob. Yeah, things may get a little weird between them, but never once did Jane feel bored or sick of him. Even when they were just friends, she couldn’t stand being away from him for more than a few days. Now she didn’t want to be away from him for a few hours since they had took their chemistry to the next level. It was almost sickening.

“Well, good for you,” Jane said as she forced a smile.

*****

Jane wasn’t even sure what city they had driven to over the course of the evening and definitely didn’t want to go exploring alone, so she laid on the couch quietly and lit up one of the joints she had bought from Hendrick. A figure in her peripheral vision caught her eye, and she looked up to see Aaron groggily walking out towards the common area.

“Mornin’,” Jane smiled as he passed her. After a few polite words, Jane nuzzled herself back into the couch and worked her earbuds in, choosing Bodies by The Duke Spirit to listen to as she shut her eyes.

She knew she had to ride this out, at least for now. Maybe Rob wouldn’t be happy with it either. Perhaps he’d decide that he didn’t want things to be ‘casual,’ and that his feelings for Zoe were misguided.

Maybe Jane just needed to hook up with Andy and get it over it. Maybe that would change her mind.

She groaned at her thoughts and turned up the volume on her phone to drown them out. All she wanted was Rob… all the time. And it was becoming a problem.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob slept, but he certainly didn’t sleep well.

It was a rough first night on the road. Feeling every bump and bend in the road beneath him, in the darkness of his bunk, he felt more like cargo than a passenger. And that actually might have been true.

Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, Rob slipped out his phone, groaning at the bright cool light that shot from his screen. Once his eyes adjusted, he looked up the band on Instagram via their hashtag.

He couldn’t shake the feeling from his mind that what they had performed that night was just…lacking. The setlist was shorter than it should have been, and the passive energy that seemed to radiate from Jane affected everyone else’s playing.

Rob scrolled past the first few videos, seeing the shitty image quality of the band playing from the audience. Then a few selfies, a couple of photos of audience members wearing the merch…

Then a handful of images of Rob and Zoe outside of the Vicarious tour bus. The captions on photos with Rob, Zoe, or both of them ranged from reasonable to downright creepy:

Rob and Zoe from #InBloom and #Vicarious! Great show from both groups.

Couldn’t grab a pic with Jane but got one with Rob. Next best thing. #InBloom

Is #RobAndZoe a thing? Can it be a thing? #InBloom #Vicarious

Diese leute scheinen ziemlich nahe … #InBloom

Sie sind hinreißend. Ich hoffe, sie bleiben zusammen. #InBloom #Vicarious

Got this shot of Rob from #InBloom hanging with the #Vicarious bassist. Where’s Jane?

—

Rob closed down the app and stared at his home-screen, unwilling to look at any more of it. Smaller chat like this rarely made any publicity waves, but it bothered him that strangers seemed so very interested in his life. It may have sounded great to have adoring fans to some, but to Rob, it seemed like a hassle. And those girls who ran to the Vicarious tour bus in the first place seemed rather entitled to the photos, rather than requesting of them.

The frustration of a mediocre show, on top of the frustration that Jane would likely be seeing this if she looked into it, further on top of her unspoken anger, just left Rob with a general sense of dread. He dozed back off into a light sleep soon after.

—

Soon his insomnia subsided, and Rob found himself awakening to Jane’s form moving about him. When had she gotten into the bunk with him? What time was it?

His thoughts faded as Jane began to gently kiss him, apologizing for last night.

”I just had… a weird night…” she had said.

“Yeah,” Rob muttered. His voice had a deeper timbre this time of morning, and he could barely be bothered to enunciate his words. “Me too.”

But as soon as the moment began, Austin’s complaints of their noise ended them, and Jane was gone as quickly as she seemed to have arrived.

It seemed to be a rough thing forming between them. He was glad that Jane had joined him in bed, and that she had, at the least, somewhat made amends for whatever was up with her last night. But there was no real explanation, apart from admitting she wasn’t very sober. Rob didn’t but that it was the drugs alone that made her so mellow and grey. She had been far more fucked up in the past and put on a greater show than that. And for that, he was still slightly frustrated that she was gone again, even if it was more Austin’s fault this time than hers.

Rob groaned, rolled over, and kept his eyes shut for another few minutes. The relentless rolling of the bus had now stopped, and he was going to absorb every minute of that feeling.

—

“Ah, fuck!!” Was the first noise that Rob had heard after dozing off again. He looked up to see Aaron averting his eyes, after having opened Rob’s curtain. He must have tried to wake Rob up without realizing he was sleeping naked.

Rob laughed slightly, not even bothering to shut the curtain. “You should’ve known better man.”

Aaron shut Rob’s curtain for him, his eyes still buried in the crook of his arm. “It’s past mid-morning. I thought I would see if you were alright. Fucking serves me right…”

Rob kept up his laughter as he heard Aaron stomp away from the back of the bus. It was going to take some getting used to being this near everyone.

He slipped out of bed, putting on a clean pair of jeans and a dark red shirt, and slipped over to the front of the bus.

Out here, Rob made for the fridge first, pulling out an ale and drinking half of it straight away. It was probably a bit early to be drinking for most people, but Rob felt just slightly better with a little booze in his system. Especially after a mostly sleepless night.

On the couch, Jane sat, eyes closed and listening to music. Aaron was also nearby, outside of the bus but still visible through the window, talking to Lyla.

“Jesus Christ, Aaron,” Rob muttered to himself. “She’s probably got a boyfriend, dude.”

“She does,” a familiar voice came. Austin had slipped out from the back, his head a tangled, massive mess. “Trust me, I asked about it the first time we all met.”

Rob laughed. “You think Aaron knows?”

“Probably not,” Austin said. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a gallon of milk. “Not that I would tell him.”

“Where are we?” Rob asked. He had yet to check the full itinerary they had formed.

“Copenhagen, I think.” Austin said. “I think the plan is to go up and do Oslo and Stockholm, then swing down and hit Eastern Europe, before going west.”

“We’ll be through twenty countries in like thirty days,” Rob said. “That’s fucking insane.”

“Welcome to Europe,” Austin said simply.

The bathroom door opened, and as soon as Sam slipped out, Austin slipped in, desperately needing a shower. Rob waited for a bit, letting Jane listen to her music, until Austin finished, then showered himself.

Afterwards, he glanced out the window to get a good sense of where they were.

It seemed to be some sort of rest area or gas station on the outskirts of the city. In the distance, Rob could see the buildings of the town. They had the whole day to themselves before playing another set that night.

Rob slipped himself onto the couch, taking the opportunity to mess with Jane’s hair and solitude, simultaneously. “Hey, J,” he said, trying to move on from whatever strangeness lay between them. “We’re in Copenhagen. Want to go check it out?”

Rob smiled, trying to play off his frustrations with her.

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t still a bit mad about last night, but he was still very much confused about the whole thing. This was what they agreed on. If it was Zoe that was angering Jane…well, he wasn’t sure he thought that was fair. Andy didn’t bother Rob, or get into his head as much as Zoe seemed to get into Jane’s. What was going on?

“Going into town?” Austin asked, having come from the back of the bus. He seemed already dressed to go.

Sam emerged soon enough behind him. “Mind if we come with?”

Rob tried to suppress his immediate negative reaction. One of the few moments he could have had alone with Jane, and it was already being taken away from him. Even if he did like his bandmates.

“Sure,” Rob said simply. He may have been dissatisfied with them coming along, but who knew? Maybe they all needed to hang out for a bit to get over last night’s funk.

[megatrash]

Jane’s eyes popped open at the sensation of Rob’s fingers ruffling her hair, and after pulling out her ear buds, she couldn’t help but smile at his question. 1) Because she couldn’t think of something she’d rather do than spend a whole day exploring a foreign city with Rob and 2) this must mean that he wasn’t too upset about the set last night, something she was worried about.

But before she could reply, Austin and Sam interrupted, asking if they could come along. When Rob agreed, Jane just shrugged at him. A part of her really wished they weren’t, but what was she going to do? Tell them no? Of course not.

“Let me just put something on and brush my teeth, yeah?” she smiled to the three before her. “I’ll be ready in five. While you’re at it, wanna see if Lyla and Aaron wanna tag along?

“Sounds good,” said Austin, and he immediately darted outside to the parking lot to ask the two.

“I’ll be outside,” Sam added, following Austin out of the door.

This left Jane, Rob and their sleeping driver in the bus alone. She popped up immediately and headed towards the back of the bus, opting to brush her teeth before getting dressed in something more appropriate than a t shirt to go exploring. After pulling on a light pair of skinny jeans and a large, flimsy white shirt, she grabbed her black vans and brought them over to the couch Rob was still lounging on and plopped down next to him. But, as always, being so close to him made her want to do only one thing: be all over him.

“Hey,” she spoke lowly as one leg swung over his lap and she sat down to face him. Her eyes scanned his face momentarily before continuing, causing her stomach to flutter, and as if to brace herself for it, she placed her hands firmly on his shoulders. “I don’t like repeating myself, but seriously, I’m sorry for last night.” She kissed him softly, letting a hand go up into his hair. “I give you full permission to kick me out of the band if I pull some shit like that again.” Her eyes landed back on his, and for a moment, she sat there in silence. Warm and fuzzy feelings began to bubble up inside of her, but instead of spilling her guts to Rob, Jane did what Jane did best.

After her hands went to either side of his face, she pulled him towards her and kissed him deeply, and as she did, all of her senses lit up. “God, Rob,” she mumbled as she kissed him, “what are you doing to me?” Her hands began to travel south, down his chest and stomach, and soon they were fidgeting with his belt buckle that sat underneath her. It was as if she forgot everything happening around them and where they were, but she was soon reminded as the sound of the door whooshing open snapped her out of it.

“Shit,” Jane mumbled as she stood up abruptly, almost falling over.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Lyla said as she looked out of the windshield. “We’re, um, we’re ready when you are.”

“Y-yeah,” Jane said as she began to work on her shoes. “Us, too.” Her cheeks had worked up to a bright red shade as Lyla exited the bus back to the group outside. She looked to Rob and winced as she whispered a “sorry,” then grabbed her bag and nearly stumbled out of the bus.

He wasn’t joking about the lack of privacy they would have on this tour, but if the past two days were any inkling on how the rest of their trip was going to be, Jane felt like she might go crazy. With all the mental turmoil she was experiencing, if sex couldn’t be her vice, it would be drugs and booze, which she personally didn’t mind, but she knew it’d probably cause more tension between the bandmates if she was completely annihilated constantly.

Maybe she could ask Harold to book them a hotel room soon.

Jane stood with the rest of the group, wrapping her messy hair in a large bun on her head and slipping on her large sunglasses over her eyes.

*****

Soon, the six of them were walking the streets of Copenhagen together, and Jane was puffing on a cigarette as she walked with Lyla behind the four men. After the initial awkward apology for what she had walked into, Lyla seemed to definitely be coming out her shell, at least with Jane, and the two were cracking up laughing as they talked about everything from high school to more crude topics. She was thankful to have another girl around that didn’t hate her, like Jane felt Zoe did.

She was doing her best not to think of Zoe at all, but it was hard. It was one thing knowing from Andy that Zoe didn’t really like her to begin with, but now that she and Rob were getting closer, the thought of her made her uneasy. It didn’t help that she was attractive, too.

They all settled on checking out the Tivoli Gardens, and although Jane hated amusement parks, she decided not to vocalize it and ruin the fun for everyone else. So instead, when everyone entered and broke off from the group, Jane opted to grab a beer from a stand and sit on a bench by herself. Once she pulled out her phone, she immediately saw a text from Andy.

Andy, 12:34 PM: You free before the show later?

Without responding, Jane tucked the phone back in her purse and sighed in frustration. She was so torn on how to handle the options in front of her. Seeing where things go with Andy could be fun, but it also felt like it could be regrettable, which she had never worried about until recently. But Rob was hanging out with Zoe, doing God knows what, so would it really be that awful of her to hook up with Andy? Part of Jane wished that she knew what was really going on between the two, just so she could gauge how far would be too far.

Jane decided to grab her phone once again and reply to Andy. It wasn’t his fault she was so confused, and after all, he had been a really good friend to her during all of this madness.

Jane, 12:41 PM: Not sure yet. I’ll let you know, yeah?
Andy, 12:44 PM: Sounds good.

After sticking her phone back in her purse, Jane scratched at her head and yawned as she people watched from behind the dark lenses. It was so easy to forget how big the world is, and now, she felt so tiny and insignificant as she sat on the bench by herself. It was both a great and awful feeling, and it gave her a sort of calmness that she had been missing that morning. Well, a calmness she had been missing for a long time. Jane missed a lot of things about herself lately, like being able to have fun wherever she was, her disregard for love and relationships, her inability to grow emotionally attached to someone.

Now, she was almost a person she didn’t recognize: this needy, jealous, emotional wreck that she didn’t blame Rob for not wanting to be exclusive with. If she was honest, she had always been a mess. But when it was paired with such confidence and carelessness, it felt better than it did now.

Jane took a sip of her beer as she pulled out her phone for the last time, now to text Rob.

Jane, 12:58 PM: Hey, I was thinking maybe we could get a hotel room on our next night off. Check in early, enjoy some time alone.

Next, she got on Spotify and scrolled through what felt like thousands of songs before she chose I Found by Amber Run, a song that seemed to mirror all the things she was feeling inside. And Jane sat there, completely engulfed in her own emotions, as one song ended and another began, unconcerned with the world continuing around her.

[HangYourSecrets]

Jane’s sudden aggression to Rob came as somewhat of a surprise to him. Sure, she had been forward in the past, but…out in the open?

”I’m sorry for last night.” she came again, sending a hand into his long hair, triggering what felt like waves of energy throughout his body. Jane’s physicality was not only illustrious—it was intoxicating. The contagious energy distracted Rob from where they were, and it was only when Jane had begun undressing him that he snapped back into somewhat of a reality.

“The others—“ Rob managed to say, somewhere between a whisper and a moan. He was cut off by Lyla, who had entered the area, and immediately let out profuse apologies.

Rob shoved a hand through his hair, attempting to straighten it out once again. Jane had quickly hopped off of him, and both were left in a stage of shock and unresolved feelings.

Once the initial high had worn off, and he had left the bus with the others, he was free to think once again, as he always did.

How many times had Jane done that? Was the first of many thoughts.

In recent memory, most of Jane’s apologies were tied together with intimacy of some sort. Whether it be just today, on the bus, or yesterday in the bunk, or many times before it, Rob was starting to get the impression that most apologies came with an added bonus.

But was it? Rob was not denying his libido. Being with Jane was always amazing. It was just that…he couldn’t help but feel a little manipulated by it. And he was sure it wasn’t the intention. Jane’s sex drive, both with and without him, tended to be massive. But recently, it had grown more intimate. More rough and volatile. Jane seemed to desperately want him, but suddenly be away was it wasn’t time to get into bed.

Tivoli Gardens was next on their list of places to visit, and yet again, in an instant, Jane was gone.

Rob paced with the others and quickly moved next to Lyla. “Where’d Jane go?” He asked.

“Last I saw, she grabbed a beer,” she responded.

Should I be worried? Rob thought, but decided against asking Lyla.

But then again, just that thought was frustrating. He felt constantly now that he needed to keep tabs on Jane. Ever since landing she had vanished, leaving Rob to look for her, worry about her, find out what was wrong.

Rob, for all his hesitation about the arrangement, at least figured that this was what Jane wanted. That this would clear up the bullshit between them and let them just hang out like always.

Rob cared deeply for Jane, but couldn’t help but feel a bit angry about all of this. He thought about how he hesitated from telling her that he had loved her back all those nights ago. Was that what was bothering her?

God, it felt like being in some sort of sitcom. Here he was, the clueless guy. No idea what was bothering the girl. Left to guess to the audience’s bemusement.

Well, he would appreciate someone telling him what was the matter.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” Rob said to the others. “I’ll catch up.”

The others, namely Austin and Aaron, seemed to give Rob a concerned look as he bolted off down a pathway of roses. Rob was sure they worried for him, and was pretty grateful for that fact, but he needed a minute to process this.

He opened his phone to see a message:

2:45, Zoe: None of the boys want to get in practice before tonight’s set. Found a place near Tivoli Gardens that’ll take us in. No bullshit. You in?

She had sent it almost an hour ago.

The familiar feelings of infidelity swept across Rob again. Jane seems mad at you now, a voice told him. You think going off with Zoe is going to help?

But the other half of him felt his frustration with her. And more than that, clung to the text message and it’s words. No bullshit.

It felt like what he needed.

3:24, Rob: I’m down if you are. I’m in the gardens.

3:29, Zoe: I’ll meet you at the front gate in ten.

—

Rob and Zoe walked quickly across a few streets, making their way to what seemed like a rougher part of town. Local gave the two questioning looks, as if their appearance alone showed their american nature. Rob felt like an alien here, but followed behind Zoe, who seemed to know the way pretty well.

The two soon approached a glass door with the address on it.

“This is it,” Zoe said. She pressed a finger against the buzzer.

“Whozzit?” a distorted voice came in a thick accent.

“Zoe Davidson,” she responded. “Here for the space?”

The door made a loud buzzing noise, and Zoe pulled the door open with little difficulty. The two led themselves up a flight of stairs, to find a room thick with a concoction of smells.

Zoe moved to who seemed to be the owner of the place; a fat, balding man, highlighted by a backdrop of classic records hanging on the wall. The two shook hands.

“Good to see you,” the man said, before turning to Rob.

“Rob Pennie,” he introduced himself.

“Oh, I know who you are,” he said. He reached behind the counter and pulled out their latest LP—still saran-wrapped and price-tagged. “I keep a mint record of any new band that seems to make the news. Usually, I’ll get a fortune for a first pressing.”

Well, at least he’s honest, Rob thought. He tried not to turn his nose at the unholy mixture of cats and weed that filled the air.

But soon enough, the man showed them to a practice room, fitted with soundproof walls, and every instrument already prepared for them.

“Not sure what you plan to play as a rhythm section,” he said, “but have fun.”

The man closed the door, and the two were left alone.

Rob quickly sat himself behind the drum set. It felt good to be back here. Practicing, or just jamming, was something he was quickly loosing interest in on the road, or even time. He had brought a practice pad to play on the bus, but hadn’t so much as taken it out of it’s packaging. In the haze of touring and behind the scenes drama, he had lost that passion for playing with others. And last night’s show certainly didn’t help that.

“Ready?” Rob asked, tapping a few quick rudiments onto his knees as an impromptu warmup.

Zoe fiddled around on the floor, hooking up pedals. “I’m not done setting up my chain. I’m not a drummer. I can’t just beat the shit out of stuff and make it sound good.”

Rob laughed, and waited the extra minute for Zoe to hook up each pedal, then turn them up and tune up.

“What did you have in mind?” Rob asked.

But instead of a response, Zoe quickly turned on the desired pedals, and turned to Rob.

She was wearing a guitar.

“Warm up song?” She asked him.

“I didn’t realize you could do guitar,” he admitted, trying to wipe the dumb look off of his face. Luckily, she had quickly turned around, talking into the live mic:

“If you don’t remember this shit, you were never in high school.”

Zoe’s fingers slammed down a familiar chord, then another, followed by this grungely, thick riff.

Rob’s mind scanned every song he could think of with a riff like this. Who as this band?

Seemingly sensing Rob’s hesitation, Zoe moved up to the mic again, and hummed a familiar note, before descending down and playing again. A melody more recognizable when played on trumpet.

It was all it took for Rob to realize the song. Laughing as the did it, he counted the two off, and began Conquest by The White Stripes. This time, it was Rob who swung the microphone towards him, craning his neck to the side as he sang:

And then in the strange way things happen
Their roles were reversed from that day
The hunted became the huntress
The hunter became the prey

The song ended quickly, and the two were warmed up and ready to play.

“Damn,” Zoe said into the microphone. “The pipes on this guy. Ever record backing for In Bloom?”

“Jane does that shit,” Rob called back. “I beat these things.”

“Shame,” she said. “I got to do backing on one of our deep cuts once. Still one of my favorite songs to play live.”

“Let’s see what you’ve got then.” Rob joked, before raising the sticks and counting them into a fast jam.

—

An hour passed in seconds. The two played through almost every genre of music playable between the two instruments. From classic rock, through to 80’s rock and grunge, right into post-hardcore and even emo, they managed to cover nearly every song of the childhood, and a few songs they still secretly liked.

The impromptu performance ended with Zoe on guitar, using her chain to play two octaves simultaneously, playing ferociously over vocals and a thick drum beat laid down by Rob. It was their own cover of Hey Man Nice Shot, by Filter, except a good bit faster and twice as heavy.

Over the deep guttural barrage of noise, Rob screamed the final vocals, nearly shredding his vocal chords to hit notes far out of his typical range.

I wish I would've met you
I wish I would've met you
I wish I would've met you
I wish I would've met you
I'd say nice shot

Rob rolled on the cymbals, before feeling the left stick fly out of his hand, doused in sweat. In a fit of euphoria and rage, he chucked the other one across the room, striking a table of cans, sending a few flying off and crashing to the floor.

Zoe, meanwhile, held out the final note of the song, shaking the guitar violently, then striking the strings, again and again, feeling out the distorted noise that emitted from them. Then, she used a pedal, slowly lowing the noise into nothingness, bringing order back into the room once more.

Rob gasped for air, having played his all into that session. Looking down at his hands, he had managed to break the callouses he had formed this season of playing, and saw the torn skin begin to bleed again. Thick drops of sweat poured from his hair, and coated the entire kit from the session.

“Fuck me, man,” Zoe said. She had walked around the kit to see what was up. “You fucking killed your hands.”

“And my voice,” Rob croaked out. He stood up and walked to the table he had recently attacked, picking up a rag that was nearby and covering his hands.

“You can sing, I’m telling you,” Zoe said, having walking back over to him.

“I can scream,” he joked. “And not very well.” He laughed at his own joke, but felt a hand grab his face and pull it up to face Zoe’s.

“Don’t put yourself down, man,” Zoe said calmly. “Just cause you don’t play it in the band doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”

The two locked eyes for a moment, and the next, Zoe immediately dove in, smashing her lips against his.

Last time this had happened, back in the states, Rob had immediately pulled away.

Not this time.

The kiss deepened, and the two slowly caressed each other, coated in the grime of the room, the sweat from the session, and the blood on his hands.

After half a minute, Rob eventually pulled away for air. But as Zoe came back for more, Rob finally pulled back.

“Just—“ he sighed, turning to the table and opening a can of soda. “Just—give me a minute…”

He had expected her to react in anger, but Zoe simply bent down and found another rag, and began to wipe her face off. “It’s cool,” she said. “I get it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Rob said. “It’s that—“

“You can’t. Not yet.” She said. “Believe it or not I’ve been though this before. You spend all this time committed to someone and suddenly, you’ve got a license to fuck. And at first, it sounds like this glorious thing. Like, you get all the benefits of being together without any of the cost. But then, when you’re with someone else…it’s like you’re doing something wrong. But not because you’re physically with that person. But because you want to be with that person. You can’t just have meaningless sex anymore.”

Rob remained silent, but knew it only confirmed what Zoe was thinking.

“How did yours turn out?”

“It ended, obviously,” she said. “But I still see him everyday. So it’s hard to forget.”

”Andy?”

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“You told me you caught him cheating,” Rob began to question.

Zoe smiled. “It’s easier to explain to people like that. But…in reality, we agreed to just be casual after a while. It was becoming a strain on everyone else, so we decided to just take it back a step. Turned out, I just couldn’t handle being with him part time while he went off with other women. I cared about him too much. And that…was my biggest mistake.”

“Why?”

“Because he didn’t really care about me.”

The two were silent for a moment, before both could hear Zoe’s phone buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out.

“That’s my ride,” she said. “See you tonight.”

And with that, she vanished out the door, and left Rob alone.

—

He ran back to the Gardens and met back up with the main group, after having cleaned himself off enough to be in public.

“Where’d you go?” Austin asked when he saw Rob, and no doubt how sweaty he had been.

“Found a place to practice,” he said. “I needed the time away.”

Austin nodded, seemingly satisfied, and continued on. He had only been gone 90 minutes or so, and Jane was still nowhere to be found.

“Rob?” Lyla asked, cutting his assumed veil of silence as they walked.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve got blood on your hands.”

Rob looked down instinctually, to see the bandages he had hastily taped on had leaked, and thick pools of blood threatened to ooze out from their source.

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I do.”

[megatrash]

After what felt like hours of mindless wandering and people watching, Jane decided to try to find the group. Being alone with her thoughts and constantly checking for Rob’s reply to her text wasn’t doing any good.

It took a few minutes, but she located the band leaving a tall rollercoaster that the sight of alone made Jane’s stomach flip. She immediately scurried over to to Austin and nudged his side. “Hey.”

"I was getting worried about you," Austin replied as he wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulders.

She rolled her eyes. "You know how much I hate amusement parks. Remember that time you and Rachel made me go back in the day?"

"Yeah," Austin nodded as he looked down at her, "but you still had fun. You've been so quiet lately."

Jane sighed. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. Just got a lot going on right now," she pointed to her head. "I feel like I'm going fucking insane. Where's Rob?"

"Walked off about a half hour ago, figured he was going to find you." Austin smirked as he began walking slowly with his arm around her, following the group in front of them. "You need to fuck someone else."

Her eyes widened, and her head snapped up to look at him.

"Oh, don't act all polite now. Look, you wanted things to be like the old days with Rob, right?"

Jane nodded in silence.

"Okay, well, how are you gonna manage that if all you want to do is jump on top of him every second of alone time you get, huh? When are you guys just going to hang out? Talk?"

She groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers. "You're right," she mumbled.

"I miss my crazy, carefree, sex-addicted friend," Austin said with a snort. "Now, you're just a sad, nervous, sex-addicted friend."

"Fuck off," Jane laughed as she squeezed his torso. "Thanks, Aust."

"Anytime, J," he pressed a kiss into the top of her head and squeezed her back. “Go,” his voice boomed dramatically while he waved a hand.

Jane stuck her tongue out at Austin, then waved to the rest of the group before grabbing her phone out of her bag and calling Andy.

“Hello?” he asked, his voice giving away that he must had been asleep.

“Hey,” Jane replied quietly. “Sorry if I woke you up. Do you still wanna hang out?”

“Sure thing. Not sure where the rest of the guys are, but I’m in the bus.”
“Got it. Be there soon.”

Jane then called a ride back to the lot where the busses were parked. She wasn’t sure how she felt at the moment, but that wasn’t news, seeing how each day brought more and more uncertainty. If this is what Rob really wanted – an open relationship – then she probably should give him the space that it included. Jane doubted he would ever openly ask for it, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew she was a lot to handle, physically and mentally, and it Rob wasn’t worn out yet, he probably would be soon.

Jane arrived twenty minutes later to the lot and knocked on the door of the Vicarious bus to be greeted by shirtless Andy with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. His hand signaled for her to come in, and with a full mouth, he mumbled something about giving him a minute.

She nodded and sat down on the couch, similar to theirs, in the ‘living room’ area of the bus. Andy’s guitar was leaning against the small coffee table, and atop it, a journal with scribbles covering the lined pages and a pen. Part of her wanted to lean in and read the words, but she knew how sacred an unfinished song could be, so instead, she leaned back to make herself comfortable as she waited for Andy to return.

After a minute or so, he returned, still in only a pair of jeans, and he sat down next to her on the couch, each of them facing each other and leaning against its arms. “What’s new, babe?” he asked as he worked to clean up the table.

Jane rested her head on a fist. “Same shit, different continent,” she laughed. “New song?”

He looked up and smiled. “The start of one. It needs some work.”

“Can I hear it?” Jane asked excitedly.

Andy paused for a minute, unsure if he should play an unfished song to her, but he nodded. “Of course.” He grabbed the guitar and opened the notebook once again and cleared his throat before beginning to strum the chords out gently.

Jane’s eyes closed as he began to sing, enjoying its deep tone and richness. It was the first time she was able to hear him without amplified guitars, bass, and drums accompanying him, and to say she was impressed would be an understatement. The way he performed it was dripping in a sense of quiet confidence, and Jane found herself almost disappointed when he stopped.

“That’s all I got for now,” he spoke as he cleared his throat, placing the guitar back in its spot against the table.

Jane opened her eyes and smiled. “I liked it. A lot.”

He sheepishly returned the smile. “Thanks. If you’re down, you can help me finish it sometime.” After wiggling his body a bit, he was facing Jane once again.

“I’m definitely down,” she nodded. “So how’ve things been with the band?”

Andy sighed. “It’s been alright. We’re all doing our own thing. Zoe and I have been butting heads lately.”

“That sucks,” Jane replied as she dug through her purse for a joint, and once she found it, she lit it carefully and exhaled a cloud above them. “Why are you guys fighting?”

“Stupid shit,” Andy shook his head as he took the joint from her fingers. “The band. Opinions on meaningless topics. Little annoyances. I don’t know how we ever tried to make things work between us.” He took another hit and passed it back to Jane. “How are you and Rob?”

Jane squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. You’ve listened to enough of my bullshit.”

“True,” Andy joked, a smirk on his face. “Well then, Ms. Molloy. What would you like to do then?”

Her eyes lingered on his on a moment as she blew out the smoke. Her mind was racing of all the things that could come out of making a move, and it made her pause in silence for a moment. There could be loads of backlash from this, not only with Rob, but maybe even Zoe. The two bands. Andy himself.

But, in the end, Jane’s desires always took over any willpower she attempted to have. It always did. She came to the conclusion that it was pointless to try to fight her urges, whether it be drugs, booze, or another person.

Jane moved towards him slowly on the couch, his widening eyes causing her to smile. Once close enough, she leaned in and kissed him, moving her small hand behind his head. After a few minutes, she pulled away and looked at him only a few inches away from his face.

“Jane,” he whispered, “are you sure you’re ready for this?” He moved a strand of blonde hair away from her face and gazed up at her.

Instead of replying verbally, Jane leaned back in and kissed him again, this time with much more force than before, as if to get her message across. And it did.

*****

It was around 5:00 pm when Jane finally exited the other band’s bus and headed for her own. After noticing no sign of life inside the bus besides their sleeping driver, Jane made her way to the back of the bus and hopped into the shower.

She had nothing to complain about in the physical realm regarding the time she had just spent with Andy. It was satisfying and fun. But emotionally, Jane felt a void that she didn’t experience after being intimate with Rob. She knew it was because she had no romantic feelings for Andy, which was completely okay, but it felt weird to sleep with someone without the intense passion behind it. The meaningless sex that Jane once loved now left her with a weird feeling in her stomach.

But now, if she started finding other ways take care of her needs, maybe she wouldn’t jump Rob’s bones every chance he got. If Jane had be honest, imagining her and Rob hanging out without sex didn’t sound awful. Although she’d never admit it, it would be nice to just be held by him. To talk about bullshit. To lay on his chest. Not to mention, she absolutely loved it when Rob was the one that came on to her for a change, but she knew that she never really gave him the chance. Not anymore, though. Jane was going to really try to respect the space that he probably craved.

She exited the shower and quickly got dressed in one of Rob’s t shirts, which landed mid-thigh, and a pair of boy shorts, and after a moment of debate, she crawled into his lower bunk and closed the curtain. Maybe he’d want to nap before their set at ten.

In the silence of the bus, guilt began to creep into the back of Jane’s mind, but she kept fighting the thoughts with the argument that Rob was the one who had asked for this in the first place. That Rob was the one hanging out with Zoe. He couldn’t blame her for sleeping with someone else, could he? Especially when it would probably lessen the tension rising between them.

Jane groaned as she pulled the blanket up over her shoulders, and after a few minutes of more internal dialogue, she checked her phone once again to see if Rob had ever texted her back. Nothing. And after a few minutes of trying not to over analyze the situation, she drifted off in his bunk.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s time with his bandmates was melancholic at best; and not for any decent reason.

Aside from the vacant position of Jane in the group, something seemed to be in the air along with the rest of them. A quiet disconnect. Something he was simply unsure of.

Eventually, after a few of them broke off to order some food at the bar, Austin led Rob to the side.

“What’s going on with you, man?” He asked politely. “You haven’t spoken since randomly disappearing off. Where did you end up practicing, again?”

“I ended up jamming with Zoe,” Rob answered. He felt a bit odd talking about her around Austin—more and more recently, since Austin tended to play the intermediate between he and Jane. But Austin’s face seemed nonplussed at the response, and Rob continued: “I just missed playing with other people and having fun with it. Especially after last night’s show. I needed something that reminded me how much fun playing is.”

“Well, you should’ve told me,” Austin said. “I mean, Jesus Christ all you people do is hang with Vicarious. I want in on that action.”

Rob laughed with Austin for a moment. He and Sam seemed so blissfully simple on tour; always had, even when it was just them in a car, driving around California. Sure, they’d fuck around, but there was never any drama. Nothing like what was going on currently.

“Matt’s a decent enough guy,” Rob said, talking of Vicarious’ guitar player. “I haven’t seem much of him, but he’s low profile. Like you and Sam.”

Austin smiled. “Oh, so we’re low profile? What does that make you and Jane?”

“I don’t know,” Rob said honestly. “A clusterfuck?”

Austin chuckled and walked away. “You both need to figure yourself out. I’ll be with the others, if you want to play nice. But if you’re just going to mope, get yourself somewhere you enjoy.”

“Thanks, man,” Rob said. He gave Austin a nod as he turned and made his way to the others.

—

Rob ended up taking Austin’s words to heart, and had found the nearest record store using his phone in a bit under a half hour.

These were some of the only places Rob felt the most comfortable. The alluring sensations of flipping through old records, talking music with the local store owners, and finding LP’s you never knew you needed, all were some of the greatest parts of growing up in Long Beach and being so near to that scene.

Rob pushed open the front door to find a near-empty shop, as large and expansive as Aaron’s store back home, and Spread Your Love by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club playing over the conversations taking place within.

Rob couldn’t help but smile, but the state of his hands meant that he would probably need to wait before touching anything in here. A woman who seemed to be working there past by, and Rob caught her attention.

“You’ve got any grip tape?” He asked, motioning to his hands.

”Hvad? I dansk, tak.”

“Excuse me?”

”Giv mig et sekund.” The lady sighed, before briskly marching behind the counter and into a back room. Rob could hear her and other guy arguing slightly in Danish, before another man slipped out into the front.

“How can I help you?” He asked in a thick accent.

“Yeah, sorry,” Rob stuttered out. “Forgot what country I was in. Do you guys have any grip tape?”

Rob watched as the man’s eyes darted from Rob’s bloody hands, then back to his face. He quickly produced what Rob needed, and Rob simply set a band debit card on the table as he taped up the remaining wounds.

As he did, he noticed the first woman he had spoken to slip back out, and talk to the man who had supplied him the tape. Both looked to Rob occasionally with concerned expressions.

“Are you in a band?” The man finally asked.

“Yeah,” Rob said, “In Bloom. We’re playing tonight around here.”

The man smiled, and the two talked about In Bloom for a moment, before he slipped off to help another customer.

The entire experience, although short, was a bit surreal. The enjoyment of getting into stores like this was quickly negated by the ever-growing group of people that would recognize him. Rob browsed for twenty minutes, before, after getting stopped to take a photo twice by two different fans, he purchased a Deftones record and was quickly on his way.

On the taxi ride to the venue, Rob pulled out his phone. He had missed Jane’s text by several hours at this point, and now, in the heat of the day, felt far too late to really respond.

After the afternoons events, and particularly his brief time with Zoe, Rob was eager to return to Jane. Not only had he felt bad about spending so much time away today (which wasn’t helping how little they had spoken), but was also still tense from the adrenaline of the session.

There was a frustration in being this separated from Jane for this long. The more he thought of it, the more he realized they had barely spoken since landing in Europe.

He wondered what she had done today. He hoped, whatever it was, that they had spent more than enough time apart. If he could just be back with her, and things would feel so much more normal…maybe he wouldn’t feel so constantly bad because he went off to “feel normal” with Zoe.

Because the truth was, hanging out was Zoe wasn’t just casual for him. The reason he felt bad about being with her instead of Jane, if he was willing to admit it, was because she was normal when Jane was not. 

And that scared him to even think about.

Entering the bus, Rob broke straight for the back and, after making sure no one was walking about, stripped down and showered, rinsing any dried blood that might have formed. He was going to be paying for that practice session, alright. His voice was still hoarse, and his hands would probably tear open each night of the tour for a good week.

Afterwards, Rob slipped out, and pulled back the curtain from his bed, hoping to at least close his eyes before the show started.

And here Jane was. Fast asleep in his bed, wearing his own shirt.

There was a lot of things Rob wanted to do. He wanted to talk to her. To tell her he was sorry for disappearing off today, and that he didn’t mean to ignore her. That whatever shit they had going on between them needed to end, by any means necessary, because he missed their old connection. That he was quickly forming another one in their place.

But Rob couldn’t bring himself to wake her up. To force her to deal with this, when here she was, waiting for him in his own bed. All the thoughts from his mind drifted off in an instant.

Rob gently climbed into his bunk next to her, closing the curtain behind him. He slipped himself into the big spoon position, sliding Jane’s small frame close to him, and slipping his arm back into it’s favorite position. He nuzzled his head into the back of hers, and tried to forget about everything. In here, in this small bunk…this was all that mattered.

Or, at least, all that should have mattered.

—

“You guys planning on performing tonight?” A voice came, waking Rob up from his nap. His back was against the curtain side of the bunk, but the voice proved that Sam had come and interrupted Jane and Rob’s nap. “We go on in an hour.”

“Sure,” Rob muttered out. “Be up in a minute.”

Rob felt the curtain close behind him, and pressed himself against Jane, too comfortable to want to move. He certainly was learning the allure of his physical side with Jane. It was funny, how they influenced each other when they were on good terms. Made each other stronger. Complimented the other.

“I missed you today,” Rob whispered into Jane’s form. Which was true, certainly. As was his frustration with her silence, his (admittedly great) time with Zoe, and finally his own frustration at himself for feeling like an emotional cheater. “I’m going to call Harold as soon as I get out of this bed and make that hotel room happen.”

There was so much more that could be said, but Rob didn’t want to deal with that right now. Right now, he had Jane. And the longer he put off dealing with these problems, the more it felt like they didn’t exist.

So, instead of more words, Rob slipped a hand into Jane’s hair, gently untangling a few knots with his fingers. He sighed deeply, and slipped out of the bed, quickly dressing himself and arranging the hotel plans with Harold. Tomorrow, he and Jane would have a hotel room to themselves again, and hopefully things could improve then.

Afterwards, he slipped outside of the bus, and slipped a cigarette up to his mouth. He took a few drags as he entered the venue, and joined the few members of the In Bloom team that had already entered the theater for sound check.

He tried to ignore a few odd glances from members of Vicarious, and moved to the craft table. He opened the first caffeinated beverage he could find, and downed it as quickly as possible.

He’d need more than that for the pain he was about to experience playing on stage tonight.

[megatrash]

”We go on in an hour.”

The words sounded as if they were spoken underwater as Jane started to become lucid. She instantly became aware of Rob’s presence engulfing her, or more specifically, the warmth she felt from it. Her mind was still in a haze, along with the feeling of sleep paralysis plaguing her, so all that she could manage as a response to Rob’s words was her fingers lacing up in his, which gripped her chest like it always did.

This had easily became her favorite way of waking up, which was odd to Jane, because she had never been one to cuddle. She usually took on the supposed ‘man’s’ role of wanting to leave the second she was done with her fun. But, this was different. When Rob was wrapped around her, she felt at peace no matter what happened before or after. It was as if all of the bullshit that they had already gone through during this tour didn't matter at all.

As he began to leave the bunk, she groaned in disapproval and grasped his hand. The rough texture caused an eye to pop open, and that was when she saw the blisters that had formed. Instead of commenting, her gravelly voice pushed out a “see you in there.” It was much, much less than she wanted to say to him, but it would have to do, because her barely-awake mind wouldn’t have been able to formulate much more than that. But once the warmth was gone and she was left alone in the bunk, it didn’t take her but a few minutes to get up and begin to meander around the bus after putting on a pair of shorts.

Down the block, Jane noticed the line of patrons waiting to get into the venue and sighed. She never thought she’d see the day, but playing sets night after night was beginning to seem like a monotonous task. All of the passion that was put into it now was being replaced with the purpose of just getting the set over with. It saddened Jane because, all her life, this was her dream. She had never planned ahead for anything other than singing. No college. No ambition. No idea bout what the future would hold. And now, the twenty-three year old girl already achieving her dreams wasn’t even enthralled by the experience.

Jane grabbed a beer from the fridge and chugged it immediately before grabbing another and getting ready to step out onto the street, but her phone buzzing in her back pocket stopped her.

“What’s up, Harold?” Jane answered, her words a bit mumbled from the unlit cigarette dangling out of her mouth.

“Jane,” he replied, in his usual, business-like tone, “I booked a hotel room for you and Rob tomorrow in Norway for your night off.”

Jane smiled. “Thanks, Harold. I appreciate it.”

“Yeah, no problem. Another thing. Radio 1 is asking for you and Andy to come in for a quick interview and an acoustic song. I’ve been working with their tour manager on it. You guys will be entering Norway overnight, and the station wants you and him there by 9:00 AM.”

“Uh,” Jane took a second to process all that Harold had said. “Yeah, yeah, okay. What song are we doing?”

“They usually ask that all the artists pick a cover to perform. I suggest something that would be popular there, maybe a Norwegian artist or something.”

“Okay, I’ll figure it out,” Jane mumbled. “Thanks, Harold.”

“Yep. I’ll have a cab come pick you guys up at 8:30,” he said sternly. “Take it easy on the partying tonight. That last set was shit.”

Even though Jane had never cared about what Harold had thought of her before, his words stung. “Yeah, I know. Won’t happen again.” She disconnected the call and immediately navigated to her text messages as she plopped onto the couch.

Jane, 8:32 PM: You hear about the interview?

Andy, 8:34 PM: Yeah, I’m down. What song should we do?

Jane then moved to her music files to find something, and after she spotted a song by Aurora, she knew immediately that it would be their best bet.

Jane, 8:39 PM: I’m gonna send you the link. We’ll do a run-through after the show if that’s cool.

Andy, 8:41 PM: Sounds good. See you soon.

Jane took a moment to take a deep breath before standing up again. Did she need to tell Rob about what happened with Andy? Was she supposed to? She couldn’t exactly imagine Rob telling her all the details of what happened or what might happen between him and Zoe, so she figured it might be best to just leave it alone for now. This was the arrangement, after all.

”His hands,” she thought to herself just as she was about to exit the bus onto the busy sidewalk, and she swiveled around, searching the kitchenette’s cabinets quickly until she located a first aid kit. The gauze and tape were shoved into her purse, and she dashed out of the bus and into the side door of the venue before anyone could recognize her.

It was dimly lit and loud, just as all of the other venues had been, and Jane weaved her way to the side stage to see the rest of the band getting ready to go on. She spotted Rob, and after saying her hellos to the others, she approached him and told him to sit on the steps as she got out the gauze and tape.

“I’ve had my fair share of fucked up hands,” she mumbled with the roll of tape her her mouth. Her hands words to remove the reddened wrap he had on, and then she began to cover them tightly, unraveling the roll of gauze around a few times. “I remember this one time, I ate shit bombing that hill by your house. My board must have shot out like a hundred feet.” She grabbed the tape from her mouth and secured the gauze on one hand in place before moving to the other. “Anyway, I scraped my hands so bad, I thought the skin would never grow back.” The tape was removed again from her mouth, and she used her teeth to rip off a piece for the gauze on his other hand, then a few more little pieces to cover a few of the blisters on his fingers.

Once she was done, Jane put the supplies back in her bag and smiled at Rob. “Thanks for calling Harold for the room. I really – “

“In Bloom, you’re up!” a venue-hired stage hand yelled in a thick accent.

She rolled her eyes. “I guess we’ll talk later then, yeah?” Both of her hands went to the side of Rob’s face delicately, and although she could think of a million words she would like to say, she leaned in and kissed him softly, unconcerned with who was around. Jane wished so often that things would stabilize between them, that they could just have a normal, non-eventful day, but in simple moments like this, she was happy with the way things were.

*****

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” Jane yelled into the microphone.

The crowd replied in its stereotypical way. “Wooooo!”

“Alright. We’re In Bloom from California. Long way from home.” Her fingers were straining to adjust the stand to shorten the mic a considerable amount. “I’m way too sober right now. Andy… say hi Andy,” she called as she pointed to the side stage.

Andy’s head popped out from the side and he waved.

“He and I will be on Radio 1 tomorrow at 9:00 AM. So, if you wanna tune in, that’d be cool.” Jane finished with the mic and nodded behind her to the rest of the band to signal that she was ready.

*****

“Thank you, everyone,” Jane waved and left the stage, leaning against the brick wall that lined the venue. To make up for her last set, Jane gave her all, and she knew that was the adrenaline wore off, she’d be exhausted. She didn’t even want to hear her voice after how much power she tried to deliver for the set.

Andy was the first to approach her, and he handed her a bottle of water. “You killed it.”

Jane looked up and smiled. “Thanks.” Her voice was extremely hoarse, and the words felt like glass coming out of her throat.

“Shhh,” Andy waved. “We’ll do a run-through of that song in the morning. Just rest tonight.”

She nodded – he was right. She’d need to drink tea and get a good night sleep, if that were even possible on a bus with six others. It was only 9:45, so hopefully, after showering of course, perhaps she could be asleep by 10:30.

Jane silently thanked a few fans that saw her on the way to the bus, but once she entered the bus, she immediately darted to the back of the bus and took a five minute shower, then made a quick cup of cheap tea that was in one of the cabinets. The rest of the band hadn’t made their way back to the bus yet, so Jane crawled into Rob’s bunk once again, deciding to send him a quick text before she fell asleep.

Jane, 10:14 PM: Voice is fried, so I’m gonna go to bed. Hope your hands are okay.

She then switched screens from her texts to her alarm clock and set it for 8:00 AM, then went back to send a text to Andy.

Jane, 10:15 PM: Wanna meet at 8:15?

Andy, 10:17 PM: Sure thing.

Jane pulled up Rob’s blanket around her, and she wiggled her body to a comfortable position as she shut her eyes. Thoughts of telling Rob about Andy crossed her mind as it drifted off. To be honest, she was still unsure of what was expected of her with their new arrangement, and not knowing how Rob would feel about it worried her far more than having to actually tell him about it. If she even had to.

She fell asleep to the noise of the bus driver rummaging around, probably getting ready for their drive to Norway. Maybe once it set in that the band was in Europe, Jane would retrieve some of her excitement back. But for now, she was homesick. She fell asleep with the blanket completely covering her, only showing a few pieces of blonde hair strewn about one of the pillows.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob found himself in the green room of the venue soon after drinking a cocktail of energy drinks and cheap beer. To his surprise, however, this green room was shared by both bands, as opposed to each band having their own separate space.

In here, Rob found Trent and Matt, talking away at each other about some sort of baseball game that had just happened back in the states. Both seemed to have just played their set. Did Vicarious play before, or after them today?

He left them alone, taking refuge on the couch across from them and opening another can of soda.

“Hey, Rob!” Trent called out after a moment. “Mets or Angels?”

“Dude, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about,” Rob laughed off. “Sorry man. Not my forte.”

Trent trailed off with Matt about their previous conversation, but soon came back: “So what do you do with all the free time on tour?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re clearly not into sports.”

Rob lifted up his severely wounded hands to Trent. “I practice.”

“Holy shit,” Matt laughed. “Zoe wasn’t kidding.”

“How are you even going to play tonight?” Trent asked. As a fellow drummer, he seemed to empathize better with Rob’s issue.

“Grip tape, alcohol, and adrenaline,” Rob answered. “I don’t have many other options.”

“Look, seriously,” Trent pressed on, “you’ve been gripping your sticks too tight.”

”No shit.”

“I’ve seen you play before, Rob. You’re a standard grip kind of guy. You’re so comfortable on the kit I swear you practically don’t even try. If you were muscling through songs with Zoe earlier, it was because you were stressed out, not over-practiced.”

Rob rolled his eyes. “Look, Trent, I appreciate the concern, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.” He stood from the couch and made his way back out through the green room’s door.

“I’m not your enemy, man,” Trent called out as he left. But Rob didn’t bother to reply.

Something about the trivial nature of the shows was starting to get to Rob. Having to play it cool with Vicarious, when he knew everyone was stressed out and frustrated at the other band the whole time. In times like these, Rob knew he had a tendency of shutting other people down and locking into what he knew he was good at. And the added stresses of feeling guilty were quickly beginning to subside into frustration. All he wanted at this point was to go back to his bunk and hope Jane had never left.

He stepped out near the stage to find out where the others had gone to, only to run into Jane, who seemed ready and willing to help fix his most immediate issue.

He laughed softly at he story about eating shit near his place. “I swear,” he added in, “I think I’ve permanently edged my skin into the concrete there before.”

He waited until she had ceased talking for a moment, then spoke: “I don’t know how I managed to fuck my hands up this bad. I only practiced for an hour today.”

Rob wanted to carry on about how his practice had been with Zoe, but the idea of continuing to bring that up made his drop the idea. Besides, something about the way he had caught the glare of some of Vicarious’ staff made him feel like they knew something he didn’t. Or perhaps something he didn’t want to know.

But soon, the band was called on stage, and Jane and Rob separated after a kiss. Rob quickly mounted the drummer’s throne, and felt the rough wooden sticks in his hands, waiting for Jane to finish her introductory remarks.

Wait, she was interviewing with Andy tomorrow? He thought to himself in response to her words. Why? And when was that going to be mentioned to him?

Sam turned and signaled Rob to start the first song, and Rob was forced to drop the thought entirely, and counted the band in.

This was going to hurt.

—

Spoiler alert: it fucking did.

After furiously smashing through the final song on the setlist, Rob had to turn away and essentially let out a roar as he pushed through a fast fill into a hold on the cymbals, feeling the crowd cheer and watching Sam and Austin, making sure each of them cut off at the same time.

Finally, as they did, Rob chucked the drumsticks into the audience (much to their satisfaction), and marched off to the side of the stage, managing to drip blood onto the stage as he went. He felt the flash of cameras as he went, and was sure the photo was going to look a lot cooler, once this stopped hurting as much as it did.

He moved to the first person he could find that he recognized; Lyla, who was just getting up from her position backstage.

“Could you find a first aid kit?” He asked her. Once she caught wind of how bad his hands looked, she immediately dove off, coming back quickly with a similar-looking kit to what Jane had produced earlier, and helped Rob re-bandage the wounds.

After he had thanked her for helping, he slipped out his phone to see that Harold had shot him a text:

9:52, Harold: You are banned from practicing between shows until your hands looks normal again. No discussion.

9:59, Rob: Noted.

As annoying as it was to be told what to do, Harold was right. This was just going to be one of those things he would be paying for, for a while.

“Did I do that?” Came a sultry voice. Rob saw Zoe approach from the darkness of backstage, almost as if she had managed to appear on command.

“It’s on me,” Rob said. He shot a quick glance around for Jane, only not to find her anywhere. “Did you guys already play?”

Zoe nodded. “Someone hasn’t been paying attention. We ended up playing early and wrapping up a bit after eight, so Andy could make calls about an interview or something.”

“I heard something similar from Jane,” Rob mentioned. But Zoe didn’t seem keen on staying on the subject for too long.

“I promised a kid on Twitter I’d come out to sign shit after both sets ended. Wanna come with?”

—

For the next half hour, Zoe and Rob burrowed their way over to the merch table that the bands had shared for the smaller venue, and each signed a good truckload of respective albums and shirts. One man even wanted both of them to sign his copy of In Boom’s latest record.

“I’m already going to need to tell Harold to send more shit out,” Aaron mumbled as the last of the crowd was swept away by bouncers. He loaded up the remaining items. “We’re already out of half the shirts and CDs.”

“We’re not doing much better,” another girl said. She was introduced earlier to Rob as Michelle—Vicarious’ merch handler. The four of them talked for a bit, until Rob noticed he had missed a text from Jane.

“What’s up?” Zoe asked him as he scanned the text.

“Nothing,” he said. It looked like he wouldn’t get much of a chance to see Jane tonight.

—

Another hour past, and the last of teardown was taken care of. Once each member of each band had slipped away, Rob went exploring inside the venue with Zoe, finding their way up a flight of stairs and onto the roof.

Rob’s fingers found their way into his pocket, and he produced the joint Jane had given him earlier. He lit it, and the two smoked together and talked for a long time afterwards.

“Hey,” Rob said after a moment of silence between the two. “You know how you told me about singing on record?”

Zoe gave a whispered “yeah,” from her position, her head rested on Rob’s lap.

“I’ve never heard you sing,” he said.

“You won’t, then,” she said. “Not tonight.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll sing it when I feel like you’ve earned it.” She said, closing her eyes. But as she did, Rob could faintly hear her humming a familiar tune.

It was Led Zeppelin’s “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You.”

Why was she humming that?

“Rob?” A voice called out soon after. Rob rotated his body around to see Grant’s head popped up from the entrance to the roof. “We’ve got to leave.”

“Sure,” Rob said. He waited for Zoe to sit up, before standing up and leaving without the two saying much to each other.

On the way back to the bus, Rob apologized: “I’m sorry I was out that late.”

“It’s ok,” Grant said. “You’re young. You can have your fun.”

“It certainly doesn’t feel like as much fun as it used to,” Rob admitted. Grant turned to Rob, and could only laugh.

“It never does.”

—

Rob entered the bus, and pulled back his curtain to find Jane’s form once again inside of his bed. He gave a weak smile, and climbed in with her, holding her again. The exhaustion of the long, confusing day caused Rob to do little more than lie down, as sleep quickly took him once again.

[megatrash]

Jane’s phone began to vibrate under her, and she quickly hit snooze without a second thought. After rolling over, her blurry eyes saw Rob lying next to her on his back, his arm stretched out underneath her pillow. She gently nuzzled up to him and laid her head on his chest as her hand rested on his stomach. She missed him, which felt strange, because they had been in close quarters together for the past few days. But, they hadn’t been able to have a decent conversation, mostly because any alone time they did get, Jane wanted to do much more than talk.

Her lips gently pressed into his skin, making sure not to wake him, although she wanted to. She would have to settle for the fact that they’d be alone together tonight. But if Jane had learned anything on this tour, it was that a lot could change in a day.

She eventually forced herself out of the bunk, and after getting dressed in a black hoodie, jeans, and sunglasses, she brushed her teeth and left the bus to meet with Andy, who was smoking a cigarette outside of his bus with his guitar hanging off his back.

It was another overcast day, and the breeze carried a chill that made Jane shiver as it passed through her clothing. The bad weather didn’t help her case of homesickness; all she could think about was longboarding on the boardwalk as the palm trees rustled around her. She had noticed the effects of not surfing and skating: her muscles were disappearing, making her almost appear a sickly type of thin, and the lack of time in the sun had caused her skin to lighten.

They greeted each other, ran through the song quickly, making sure that they knew each part, and after a bit of banter back and forth, the cab arrived to take them to the radio station.

“Your throat sounds better,” Andy observed as he tilted his head to face her. “Does it hurt?”

“A little,” Jane accidentally whispered. “I’ll drink some warm water when we get to the station. Sorry I missed your set last night. I laid down for a nap after I left your bus and almost missed mine..”

Andy laughed. “Yeah, I passed out for a bit, too. That was some good clean fun, huh?”

“Something like that,” Jane smirked as she nudged his arm. Words couldn’t describe how relieved Jane was that there was no awkwardness between them. Although she felt strange after, there was a comfortable familiarity to sleeping with someone without any attachment.

“Well,” he started, squeezing the hand he had placed on her thigh, “whenever we’re not both fuckin’ someone else, we should do it again.” His expression showed the light-heartedness of his words, no matter how much he actually meant them.

She was a sucker for forwardness, both in action and words, and as his hand continued to inch upward, she felt goosebumps begin to rise. “Jesus, Andy,” she whispered, but before she could continue, their driver made the announcement that they had arrived.

*****

[b]Alexander]: [/b The American bands Vicarious and In Bloom had both been making a big name for themselves across the pond, and Radio One was lucky enough to get both of their vocalists this morning as they are in the beginning stages of their European tour. Guys, go ahead and introduce yourselves.

Jane: I’m Jane Molloy from In Bloom.

Andy: I’m Andy Ramirez from Vicarious.

Alexander: Okay, well Andy, I will start with you. Tell me a bit about where you’re from.

Andy: I was born and raised in Denver, Colorado. That’s where Vicarious was formed and where we live currently.

Alexander: And you, Jane?

Jane: Long Beach, California.

Alexander: So you both are a long way from home, yes?

Jane: [laughs] Yes. I’m starting to get homesick.

Alexander: Already?

Jane: Well, we’ve only been over here for a couple days, but I haven’t been home in a long time. We were touring in America before we came over here.

Andy: Same with Vicarious.

Alexander: Ah, I see, I see. Well I hope we welcome you enough over here so that you feel at home.

Jane: Thank you.

Alexander: So, one question I am dying to ask, how is it touring so closely with another band? I am sure you guys don’t have much personal space.

Andy: I mean, I would say that it depends on what type of person you are. Usually, I enjoy my alone time and would rather sit and work on music 99% of my day. And it’s kinda hard to do that now, so you just have to adapt. Touring in general hasn’t been easy, but I’ve made a few good friends along the way that make it easier.

Alexander: Are you talking about Jane over here? [laughs]

Andy: She is definitely someone I’ve grown closer to since we’ve been doing the circuit together. She’s low maintenance and relaxed, and we vibe really well together as both musicians and people.

Alexander: Any input, Jane?

Jane: Andy is totally awesome, super chill. It’s nice having another vocalist out here with us that I get along with so well. You never know who you’re going to be playing with, and they could end up being amazing or awful.

Andy: Definitely.

Alexander: So, Jane. Are either of your parents musicians? Did they have any impact on your taste or style?

Jane: Well, my mother always loved classic rock. She had this old record player in the house that was constantly spinning and would sing along so loudly that the neighbors would complain. I guess I picked up a lot of my favorite oldies from her.

Alexander: You talk about her in the past tense. Did she pass away?

Jane: Yes. Two years ago.

Alexander: I’m sorry to hear that. How about your father?

Jane: Well, my mom had a one night stand during a fight between her and her husband. I guess she went to a show and slept with the front man of some big band, and nine months later, I was born. She would never tell me what his band’s name was, or his name. I guess when she told him she was pregnant, he lost all contact with her. She always said I was better off not knowing who he was.

Alexander: Wow, that’s fascinating. Maybe it’s in your blood.

Jane: [laughs] Could be.

Alexander: Do you ever wish to find out who your father is?

Jane: Eh, not really. I’ve made it this far without him. If he was in such a big band like my mom said, then he’s probably either dead or burnt out by now.

Alexander: Well, who knows. Maybe with all of this exposure you’re getting, you’ll be approached by him. [laughs]

Jane: Oh, god. I wouldn’t even know how to react.

The interviewer began to dive more into Andy’s home life, how each band was formed, and where they saw themselves in the future, and much to Jane’s approval, Alexander didn’t ask once about any personal relationships or drama that had been speculated on others news sites. For the first time during an interview, she was actually having fun, so much so that the hour block that was dedicated to them seemed to speed by.

Alexander: Before we wrap this up, do you guys have anything that’d you’d like to play for us?

Andy: We do. You ready, Jane?

Jane: Yep.

Alexander: Alright, everyone, this is Andy from Vicarious and Jane from In Bloom, performing….

Jane: Murder Song by AURORA

Alexander: Ah, very nice choice.

Andy began to pluck the guitar lightly, and Jane, behind her sunglasses, closed her eyes and swayed gently back and forth before coming in.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1
5, 4, 3, 2, 1
He holds the gun against my head

Jane’s voice had always possessed a smoky tone which she remained true to with any song she covered, but because of the performance she gave the night before, it was very pronounced, especially with how quietly she was singing.

I close my eyes, and bang, I am dead

Andy began to sing along with her on the next part, his lower harmonies meshing perfectly underneath her voice. It was impressive, honestly, since Jane was fairly certain that Andy had never heard the song before last night, but there wasn’t one hint of it.

I know, he knows, that he’s killing me for mercy

Jane popped her eyes open for a moment and looked at him momentarily, and based on his expression, it seemed as though as he was enjoying it as much as she was.

A louder, higher part was coming up, and Jane winced a bit as she forced her sore throat to hit the notes.

and he holds me tight

Luckily, her voice only cracked slightly.

Oh, he did it all to spare me from the awful things in life that come, and he cries and cries

Their voices matched each other’s as they lowered their volume back down to the quiet tone they had been singing in before, and after a few more lines, the song finished.

Alexander: That was great, guys. Thank you so much for coming in to chat with us. Vicarious and In Bloom will be playing tomorrow night in Oslo. Venue and ticket information will be on our website.

*****

The two arrived back where the busses were parked and said their goodbyes. Jane had explained on the way that she and Rob were getting a hotel room that night so that they could get some alone time together, and Andy was surprisingly supportive, stating that he thought it’d be good for them both to get away from all the madness. “Thanks for saying that,” Jane spoke quietly.

“Of course, Jane. At the end of the day, I’m still your friend.”
Jane smiled faintly and nodded before kissing his cheek and heading back to the bus, which she found to be completely empty. She walked to the back to pack a bag for the hotel, throwing in a bikini, her tooth brush, and a few articles of clothing.

She took out her phone to shoot a quick text to Rob.

Jane, 10:36 AM: Hey, I’m back. Check is at 2. Maybe we can grab a bite to eat or something on the way.

It was eerily silent in the bus, far too quiet for Jane to be comfortable, so she began to play Killing Time in Hawaii by The Money Pit over the speakers and grabbed a joint and a beer. It was a bit early, maybe even for Jane, but with no performance tonight, who cared?

Jane mumbled along to the words as the lit joint bobbed in her mouth, and her feet swiveled her body side to side as she rummaged through the cabinets for something to eat. Settling on some crackers and peanut butter, she sat down on the couch and finished her joint.

For the first time since they had landed, Jane felt excited for the night ahead of her. Hopefully, Rob felt the same way. He was always so hard to read, and how he felt about her was always a mystery, but she crossed her fingers that a night with her would make any lost feelings of his return. It felt childish – to desperately want someone to love you like you love them – but it was, at this point, impossible to control. Albeit it was through physicality, Jane had no problem expressing how she felt, and hopefully Rob knew that for each time she came on to him, it wasn’t only for selfish reasons.

After she put out the joint and finished her snack, she sunk back into the couch, letting herself be engulfed by the plush leather. Maybe the night could truly be the cure for all of the tension between them. But perhaps it was something incurable. Fate.

[HangYourSecrets]

The low crackle of thunder shook Rob’s bunk ever so-slightly, causing him to stir from his light sleep. He had felt Jane leave what seemed like a hour or so ago—off to interview with Andy.

He pulled himself from the bed, not bothering to look around for any others, and took a quick, cold shower to awaken him from his haze. Afterwards, he realized that—besides Grant—no one else was in the bus.

Something about the weather outside seemed to affect him—the dark, moody gray skies kept him from really feeling like he was here, in Oslo, supposed to be enjoying a break from the stresses of the advent of this new tour.

Rob dressed in a dark, long sleeved shirt and black jeans, and set out to quickly redress the bandages on his hands. Just as he was finishing up, he could hear the door to the bus opening, and Aaron’s voice calling out: 

“You up, Rob?”

“Yeah,” he called back. He finished with his bandages and walked to the front of the bus to keep the noise down, for Grant’s sake: “What’s up?”

“We were all out eating breakfast,” he said. “We were about to go look around Oslo, if you wanted to come.”

“Thanks, but, I’m alright,” Rob said. “Have a good time.”

He had turned to head back for his bunk, but Aaron didn’t seem to want to let him off so easy. “We’re all trying to make the best of things, man. It would help if you did to.”

“Like I said,” Rob answered, not bothering to turn back, “I’m good. Don’t let me stop you from having a good time.”

Rob could hear Aaron mutter something to himself before leaving, but was unable to make out what was said. Surely, it was something to the effect of “why are you being this way?”

Aaron was a friend that wore his emotions on his sleeve, and Rob could easily tell he was growing frustrated with him. And could he blame him? Rob (and Jane, it seemed) kept spending less and less time with rest of the band and crew. Their time was split between interviews and time with Vicarious, and what little time was spent with the band was usually spent sulking.

Who knows? Maybe Aaron was hoping that this hotel break would be helpful for the band as a whole to wind down for a bit. To be honest, Rob was hoping that too.

He tossed himself on his bunk and tried to relax, to no avail. He pulled out his phone from it’s pocket, and scrolled instinctually down to Zoe’s name:

9:22A.M., Rob: What’s up?

9:24 A.M., Zoe: Nothing. Come over.

—

Rob crossed the venue’s parking lot and found Vicarious’ bus door open. He let himself in.

Inside, Rob walked down the hall to the usual back door, which he opened to find Zoe and Trent talking on the bed. The overhead lights here were turned off, and a few glowing lamps illuminated the room. The air was thick with pot smoke, and Sue (Or In a Season of Crime) by David Bowie droned on rhythmically in the background.

Rob tossed himself on the bed next to them, and the three talked again, as comfortably and lightly as they had done back stateside. There was a quiet comfort between the three of them, and there seemed to be no need to censor or mince words. It was the kind of way Rob wished he could interact with his with bandmates.

“Where are the others?” Rob asked after Trent finished a story on their guitarist. “Everyone in my bus keeps disappearing.”

“Probably dicking around in Oslo,” Trent laughed between drags of his joint.

“And Andy’s with Jane,” Zoe added in. She slipped out her phone, scrolling down to a livestream of the radio station. “Let’s see what’s going on.”

The music paused, and for a good minute, the three of them listened to Jane, Andy, and Alexander go off about different things. After it seemed like they were going into information everyone already knew, Zoe switched back to the music.

For a bit, the three of them didn’t make much of a comment on what they had heard. Rob in particular turned his head to the window and looked out to the falling rain.

They way Jane and Andy talked was, in a way, similar to the way Zoe and himself talked to each other. That they had grown close to each other. Possibly very close.

“I’ll be right back,” Zoe said suddenly, rising from the bed and getting into the backroom. Rob could hear the loud sink faucet cut on, even with the music playing.

“She’d mad at me, isn’t she?” Rob said after she had left, looking to Trent.

“She’s frustrated, for sure,” Trent laughed. “She and Andy haven’t been on good terms recently, so that definitely plays into it. But…mind if I ask you something?”

Rob nodded.

“What the fuck is holding you back, man?”

“What do you mean?”

“Ok, look,” Trent continued. “I’m just going to lay it all out there. I know Andy well enough to know he’s either already fucked Jane, or is definitely planning on it. And the impression I seem to get, is that they both clearly want to do it. So what’s the point in torturing yourself and Zoe because both clearly want to fuck?”

Rob didn’t respond at first, so Trent continued: “I’m not in your relationship. I can’t tell you what or what not to do. But I’ve been told it’s a pretty casual relationship. So fucking go casual. There’s no point in agreeing to that shit if you’re not going to take advantage of it. And there’s no point in constantly hanging around Zoe if you’re not going to tell her what you even want when you know she wants more.”

“It’s complicated, Trent,” Rob said. “I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t want to get casual with Jane in the first place. And I don't want half of my band fucking half of yours. Zoe already hates Jane, and Andy and I don’t seem to get along either. The deeper in this shit I get, the more I feel like I’m running the risk of tearing both of our bands apart.”

“Honestly, dude,” Trent said, “You’re giving yourself too much credit if you think you’ll ruin either of these bands. We’ve almost broken up a half dozen times without any outside help. So don’t worry about us. Do yourself a favor, and stop thinking so much.”

Trent stood up from the bed. “I need to go meet a contact in Oslo about resupplying. I’ll lock the bus doors behind me. But I need you to do me a favor, and stop torturing Zoe. Because I’m getting sick of watching it happen.”

Trent walked quickly to the door of the bedroom, closing it behind him. Outside the window, Rob could see Trent pull the hoodie over his head as he dashed for drier ground.

It was the first time he had seen Trent angry. A bit frustrated, yet, but angry?

Trent was his first friend from Vicarious, and his first real friend that he had made on the tour. Rob and Trent respected each other, and hearing Trent mad at him was certainly something to think about. Because the truth was, Trent was right.

Rob was beginning to be unfair to Zoe. He had been hanging out with her constantly, knowing what she wanted, and never being clear about what he wanted from her. She had become someone to talk at, and not to. And, likewise, Jane was becoming someone he seemed to only be physical with these days.

It was the opposite of how he had figured this “casual” relationship would go. So why was he fighting to make it continue on this way?

Rob’s relationships with everyone had really deteriorated over the past few days. From the radio silence from Jane to his self-imposed alienation from his bandmates, and now Vicarious’ own frustration, Rob hadn’t done much good for others. For someone so seemingly concerned with other people’s opinions and feelings, he certainly wasn’t doing a very good job at maintaining them.

He had figured he had learned something this far into the tour. That his constant ability to overanalyze a situation into oblivion was only serving to hurt people.

So, what the fuck was holding him back?

Before he could answer himself, the door opened, and Zoe slipped back inside. She was dressed in a long T-shirt and shorts, and her raven hair wove out from her hair in tangled knots. She sat herself gently at the foot of the bed before asking: “Where did Trent go?”

“Something about getting more supply,” Rob answered, but he was still distracted. Had she been wearing that before she went to the bathroom? Why did she seem so much more vivid that before?

It was like Trent’s discussion had opened Rob’s mind to Zoe fully. He had always known she was attractive, sure, but he was suddenly so drawn to it. Her deep green eyes. Her clear pale skin. The curves of her body. All of it.

Rob moved slightly closer to her on the bed. “Look,” he said barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit of a shitty guy recently. I’ve just got…too much shit on my mind sometimes.”

Zoe’s own eyes seemed to flutter with the sudden and unexpected forwardness. She too inched closer to him. “Took you long enough,” she jokingly said.

Rob’s mind flashed quickly to Jane, and his own relationship with her. The hotel they would be sharing tonight. The intimacy they would surely have. Would she know? Would she care?

Rob and Jane had spoken so briefly and so shortly this tour. The person he once felt like he knew more than anyone else seemed more like a person he was trying to remain on good terms with. Instead of emotionally being with her while being physical with other women, things seemed to be the opposite these days.

And Rob was going to reverse that. Starting now, with Zoe.

Rob slipped his hand into Zoe’s hair, pushing the jet-black hair back, grasping at the back of her head.

“Do you want this?” Zoe whispered out, her head moving closer to his. Without answering, Rob kissed her, and lowered her body with his to the bed.

“Yes,” he finally admitted to himself and to Zoe.

He did.

—

Afterwards, Rob had left Zoe to sleep in the bedroom, and walked down the street to a local coffee shop in town. The rain the fell above felt great on his skin, and he didn’t even quicken his pace to outrun what was coming down from above. By the time he had arrived, he was soaking wet.

Getting a coffee, and moving to an open window, Everybody Does by Julien Baker played softly in his earbuds as he watched the rain from indoors.

He enjoyed this time of peace. Quiet moments of solitude where all other aspects of his life were filled with chaos and disorder. Something was always nice about being alone.

After enough time had passed, Rob checked his watch to see that it was almost noon. An hour or so ago, Jane had returned from her interview. And it was time to go back.

—

Back at the bus, Rob’s entire demeanor felt slightly different. He walked with more of a quiet confidence. He felt more energized and excited. Something about what had happened was…good. And while nothing good lasts forever, forever was certainly not today. And thankfully, he was excited for tonight. His night with Jane.

Rob pulled a beer from the fridge and sat down heavily next to Jane.

“Awake yet?” He asked her jokingly. “Where did you want to eat?”

[megatrash]

It was either the comfortable couch, or the two joints she had smoked, but Jane had found herself drifting in and out of light sleep as the music still played throughout the empty bus. The only thing that had brought her to complete lucidity was the sensation of a body sitting next to her, and after a quick wave of shock, her body loosened once again and she smirked, rubbing her eyes.

“Well,” she began lazily, her finger tapping a button on the small speaker remote to silence the music, “we’ll see what’s on the way, yeah?” Based on feeling alone, Jane knew her eyes were probably half way open and a deep shade of red. “I got a few more joints from Andy for later.”

She sat up straight and stretching, groaning quietly as her eyes remained on Rob. He looked… different. Jane had grown accustomed to the brooding demeanor that he’d taken on, but now, he seemed relaxed. Happy, even. It would be a bit far-fetched to think that the anticipation of the night ahead was what brought him out of a seemingly permanent funk, but she decided not to question it.

Instead, Jane inched towards him, but not I her usual manner. It was one in which showed her both physical and mental exhaustion caused by the current events. Once close enough, she nuzzled herself against him and sighed as an arm wrapped around his torso. "My shits ready to go," she explained quietly. "I'm ready when you are."

Her words betrayed her actions; Jane remained curled up next to him without allowing him the room to get up. It was of her mind was forcing her to cling on to whatever peaceful moment she had with Rob before everything got inevitably fucked up again. Negative thinking? Yeah. But Jane was never one to be optimistic. If anything, she felt as if she was just heeding the warnings the universe was throwing at her, that her intuition was right: that what she had to offer Rob just wasn't what he needed.

Jane squeezed him tightly, then sat up straight, nodding at him in approval for getting up off the couch. She grabbed a few last minute items - phone chargers, a water bottle, and an apple - before they both exited the bus out into the gloomy day Oslo had to offer them.

*****

On the ride to the hotel, the driver ranted and raved about the restaurant that it had on the ground level, and they decided that they would just eat there for convenience instead of trying to find somewhere in the city to grab lunch. Jane rested her head on his shoulder, and both looked out the window as the towed zipped past them. It was a quiet ride, but she didn't mind. As long as silence wasn't caused by any unspoken tension or awkwardness, she was satisfied enough.
Jane tried her best to not allow her mind to wander, mostly regarding the subject of Rob and what contributed to the mood he was in. The last thing she wanted to do was ruin the mood, whatever caused it, but she was still lost in confusion as to what the ‘rules’ were. Was she supposed to tell Rob about Andy? Honestly, part of her really wanted to. The love she had for Rob was changing her, and the fact that Jane wanted to be honest with him was a prime example. In the past, she had no problem keeping things in to avoid problems, but now, it didn’t seem right.

After arriving, check in went as usual – a few corny jokes passed back and forth along with a compliment on their music from one of the girls behind the desk – and soon, they were on the 8th floor of the posh hotel Harold had booked for them. The anticipation was killing Jane, making the elevator ride feel like it stretched on for minutes.

The room itself was small, but cozy: one room with a king-sized bed wrapped in a large, tan comforter, a living room area, a balcony, and a kitchenette. It mirrored a lot of the hotel rooms the band had stayed in previously once revenue started rolling in. Jane didn’t take much time to soak in the view, though, and instead, she tossed her bag onto the ground and turned to Rob, flashing a faint smirk before jumping up into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist.

Jane’s usual rough and urgent nature in regards to her sexuality was replaced in that moment with a mood much more gentle and… romantic?

Whatever it was, it was a nice break from the normal routine. She kissed his lips slowly before trailing down to jaw, ears, and neck, but when her eyes briefly opened for a moment, they noticed something on his neck that hadn’t been there the day before.

A mark. A mark not made by her.

An adrenaline rush washed through her, and in pure panic, she hopped down from Rob’s grip and began to pace in front of him nervously, a hand weaved through her hair at the top of her head.

“I slept with Andy,” she blurted out as she walked back and forth. “And I don’t know if I’m not supposed to tell you, or if I am supposed to tell you. Or what’s okay and what’s not.” Her hand began to scratch at her scalp as she paused in front of Rob and stared at the marble floor beneath them.

“I enjoyed it, the sex. I mean, I always enjoy sex. But it wasn’t the same, I…” her voice trailed off as her mind begged her to just shut up already. “Sorry.”

She walked over to the island that sat in the center of the kitchen and leaned on it. “We just kinda decided on something and didn’t really discuss it that much.” Jane sighed, both relieved and anxious at once. This wasn’t how she imagined her time with him to go, but it would have happened eventually. Jane would eventually explode with all of the questions she had.

“I’m fine keeping shit the way it is if you’re happy. Really. I just wanna know what I’m supposed to do.” She finally worked up the courage to look at him, and as always, it was hard for her to read his emotions, so she decided to take a deep breath and remain quiet.

Jane didn’t want to tell him how unappealing everyone else seemed now. How the reason she was all over him any chance she got wasn’t to satisfy her own appetite, but a fucked up way of showing how she felt. That the fact that he probably slept with Zoe made her feel unrightfully jealous.

“I’m sorry,” she began in a near whisper, “I started off the night this way. I didn’t plan to talk at all for the first few hours we were here.” She chuckled lightly as she ran a hand through her hair as far as she could before her fingers were greeted by knots.

Hopefully, the night wouldn’t be altered by Jane’s outburst, but with a situation this complicated, it was hard to tell. She could only hope that Rob would be receptive, and that he would be fine with what she had done along with explaining what he expected from her.

[HangYourSecrets]

The interior of the hotel room seemed nice enough, but the idea of being so alone with Jane again felt much better than any room. It was something he really had grown to miss, and on top of all of the madness that seemed to surround him and her recently, this seemed like that they may have needed.

There was hope here, and as Jane hopped onto Rob, there seemed to be pleasure as well. Maybe they’ve be able to move on from this funk, and just manage to be friends again. Be what they always had wanted to be in each other’s lives.

…and then Jane jumped out of his arms.

Rob looked down, at first confused as to the sudden cease that had taken place, but then he saw what she had; a mark Zoe had left just hours ago. A panic swept over him, and he placed a hand on his head.

“Fuck,” he muttered, leaning back on the nearby wall.

How did he not see this coming? Not only had it been foolish of him to even subconsciously not talk about this with Jane, but thinking that this evening, this time they would be spending together, could be normal without discussing what they had been doing with other people? It made no sense.

”I slept with Andy,” she came suddenly, confirming Rob’s fears. Perhaps he hadn’t fully accepted it, or perhaps he knew it was coming all along, but something about hearing her say it felt so terribly bad. A feeling he knew he had no right to feel, considering what had taken place just this morning. In a sense, he felt anger at himself for feeling anger at Jane, and was so quickly taken for a loss for words. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. This situation came so quickly and suddenly for him, with no thought or preparation. So he simply waited to hear what Jane had to say.

As she finished, Rob felt himself sliding down the wall with his back, and ended up sitting on the floor, back against the wall. From this position, he looked up to Jane. He saw her struggling to tell him how she felt. How she just wanted to be clear on things. To be on the same page.

And what could he have told her? I never wanted to be casual, but you got so suddenly distant so I latched onto another person? It was so hard to just admit the truth of the matter; he and Jane hadn’t been very close at all. Not since the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame could he say they truly had a great moment. Intimate moments, maybe. Moments where they admitted what they were thinking, But true happiness? It had been a long time since then.

It was the road. It was the bands. It was them. It was so many things at once. Rob hardly knew where to start. Here Jane was, acting as he would. Desperately trying to talk it out. And all Rob had wanted for this day was not to deal like this. To have a happy moment again.

“I was with Zoe,” Rob croaked out. His eyes were leveled out, staring holes into the floor by Jane’s feet. “I knew you figured that, but I guess I’ll just say it out loud for both our sakes.”

Rob tried to look back up to Jane again. “I don’t know, J. I mean, I didn’t initially want this. I told you that in the states. The only reason I had asked you for that was cause in some fucked up way I thought it was what you wanted. But now? Even having agreed to be like this, I feel like the only time I see you is when we’re intimate. And, I love when we’re intimate, but…the only time we talk is when we’re physically together like that. Every other time…I don’t know. It’s like I’m playing a guessing game.”

Rob sighed and looked back down. “I guess that’s what I’m thinking right now.”

For for the first time in a while, he couldn’t think of anything else to add. So he merely waited. Lord knew the extent of what they talked about would take a while to really sink in for him.