[IC] In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

[megatrash]

Hearing him announce that he had been with Zoe had made her feel a multitude of emotions. Part of her truly wasn’t upset. If anyone knew that sex could be completely meaningless, it was Jane. Hell, most of the encounters she had involved nothing more than just making herself feel good. But, when it came to Zoe, the physical realm isn’t what worried her, it was what could be lurking behind it.

Rob had never been as flippant about getting intimate with someone as Jane was. Yes, he had his one night stands and casual flings in the past, but even the way that he’d describe each situation to her never made them seem meaningless or insignificant. That was what was so frightening about the situation: that Rob could possibly be developing feelings for Zoe.

As he sat on the floor in front of her, she frowned and whispered a “hey,” before getting down on her knees and moving between his. Although Jane had her reservations of them starting a relationship, she didn’t know things would become so difficult so quickly, even if things were labelled as casual. It seemed as if no matter what avenue they went down, they couldn’t find the right answer.

The last thing that she wanted was for what they had, whatever they had, to end, but maybe trying to juggle an international tour and the confusion surrounding their relationship was just doomed from the start.

Either way, Jane wasn’t ready to think about that yet.

“I’m sorry about the whole ‘pouncing on you every chance I get’ thing,” she apologized quietly as she brushed some hair out of his face. “We don’t get much time together at all anymore, and I guess the anticipation gets to me. Plus, it’s probably the only way I’m good as showing my, uh, feelings.”

No guy had ever verbalized a problem with this side of Jane. The words stung as he said them, but since they were coming from Rob, she tried her best not to get offended, knowing that wouldn’t be his intention.

“I know things between us have been so messy, and all the talking and not talking has kind of confused us both, but I’m not mad that you slept with Zoe.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat before she continued. Her statement wasn’t entirely true, but at face value, the words were.

“And I’m sure there’s a lot more we need to figure out, but let’s not do it tonight, yeah?”

Jane smiled faintly as she leaned on one of his knees. “This is the only night we’ll have to hang out ‘til God knows when. Let’s not waste it.”

She perked back up as she sat on her legs, each of her hands resting on his knees, notably showing much more enthusiasm for the night ahead of them than before. “We can do whatever you want. Whether you wanna go out or just stay in and be lazy, I’m happy.”

It was true – she was completely satisfied as long as the mood between them was light and they would be able to enjoy each other’s company in peace, something all too rare as of late.

“And, you know, feel free to turn me down if I get too frisky,” she smirked as she leaned in and kissed his forehead gently before standing up and offering him a hand.

Hopefully he’d be satisfied at leaving things the way they were just for this one night. If Jane was naïve enough, she could have the thought that maybe a night alone would fix everything between them, but she knew it wouldn’t work out that way. But, if they both could just forget it for twenty-four hours, she’d be happy enough.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob’s low-flying panic attack had quickly subsided, leaving him with a terrible confusion. Why had he been so fearful to discuss this before? Why did he feel so terrible when it had come up so fast?

Jane approached, seemingly trying her best for apologize for being so forward sexually. It was one of the things Rob hated discussing, because sex with Jane had always been some of the best he had ever had. But he couldn’t shake off the feeling that, at least in the past few days, that his only interactions with Jane were sexual, and it was not the reason Rob desired her so much. Long conversations alone in her room, discussing everything and anything and nothing, all at once—that was what drove them here. What drove him to be with her like this in the first place. If he was honest with himself, the past few days felt more like being casual with Zoe than with Jane. And it was not a feeling he was comfortable with.

“I feel so terrible for admitting that,” he admitted. “About the sex thing. It’s my fault I forget it’s how you’ve expressed yourself for so long. I don’t get why I can’t just be like other guys and not complain that I get laid so often with you.” He laughed to himself at the statement. “I guess I just miss the normality so I blame that. Which, again, isn’t right of me.”

He took her hand and raised to his own two feet, slowly getting back to his old self. His own ways. Even just this quiet moment of solidarity with Jane was enough to remind him of what was important. Of what he should have been fighting for.

“I want you, Jane Molloy,” he essentially declared. The words felt so incredibly greedy in his mouth, but he hoped she would know what he meant. “Physically, yes, but romantically as well. Maybe if I just admitted that for the both of us, a lot of this shit would pass.”

It sure wasn’t a line he could see Ryan Gosling using, but it was what Rob had. It was how he felt. He moved forward, pulling Jane in for a hug, feeling her warmth, missing her. And for this moment, that lingering feeling of Zoe being in the room with them faded away, and Rob felt finally together with Jane for the first time in such a long time. No matter how fleeting this would be, it was peaceful, and it was what he wanted.

A part of him he had barely recognized soon came forth. He lifted Jane from the ground easily, pulling her into her arms, carrying her into the bedroom. Something about the swell of honestly, the solitude both had together in this room, and the madness of events that took place outside of it, triggered something in Rob. Because he knew that the ebb of flow of their relationship would surely come again. And perhaps it always would. But this trip, this tour, everything…everything seemed so small and sparse from here. So distant and meaningless. Everything that mattered was in here, with him, on the sheets of the bed. And he could never know when the tide was going to turn again.

So fuck it.

—

Afterwards, Rob cleaned up quickly and was surprised to find that this hotel had been fully stocked for them. Perhaps it was a peace offering from the hotel, or maybe from Harold, but either way, the surprise was not wasted on him.

He decided that instead of bothering to go out for dinner, that the two could just cook it themselves. Rob had never been much of a cook, so flower and oil seemed to continuously spill onto the countertops as he worked, trying to fight their way onto the floors below.

Rob had suggested the two make pasta as a base (since, to be honest, Rob had no idea what the hell he was doing) and work from there to add things to the meal. In the cabinets, Rob had found Alfredo sauce, thawed sausage and even some frozen shrimp he was desperately trying to de-thaw. He was currently trying to stir sauce to the beat of Mona Lisa by Colour Revolt which played on his speaker behind him—cycling through favorites of his and Jane’s.

And sure, the whole affair seemed like a generically romantic thing to do, but to be fair, he was hungry. And being able to spend this time with Jane alone was something he planned to take full advantage of.

[megatrash]

As Rob worked on dinner for the both of them, Jane sat on the counter next to the stove and focused intently on the joint she was rolling. Not only did she not enjoy preparing food, she had no idea on how to do anything productive in the kitchen, so she left it up to him, asking him every once in a while if he needed any help, or laughing when something accidentally spilled on the counter.

The energy between them was the best it had been for weeks, and although they had unfinished business to attend to, the mood in the room was too good for her to think about it. All that was on her mind was the rest of her night with Rob and the joint she was putting the final touches on. Not even the mystery surrounding his and Zoe’s connection was getting her down.

Once he was done, Jane helped Rob bring everything to the small glass dining table, then grabbed two beers from the fridge for them and sat down. “Thanks for all this,” Jane smiled as she scooted herself in and began to eat the meal he had prepared for them. It was a sweet gesture, especially knowing that they had unlimited access to the city and everything it had to offer.

*****

The television across from the king sized bed illuminated the dark room as Jane laid on Rob’s chest and puffed on the joint before passing it to him. They had been laying together in silence, possibly for an hour or so, but it wasn’t the awkward type that they had grown accustomed to.

This silence was one of contentment. Nothing needed to be said to one another.

After it was passed, Jane groaned as she nuzzled up to him and closed her eyes. It was going to be difficult to return to sleeping on the bus with the others, or having to deal with the other relationships that they had started with Vicarious. Although Jane said that they shouldn’t deal with their issues that night, the anticipation of what was to come was starting to plague her thoughts.

Rob, based on what he told her earlier, still seemed to want to be with Jane, which provided her with a great sense of relief. But, was the current state of their relationship to change? Would they still see other people? After a night like this, would they experience the friction they were before?

Jane sighed, then pressed a kiss into Rob’s neck gently without opening her eyes. Once her head returned to his chest, she spoke quietly. “This is nice.” Her voice was gravelly and lazy, which wasn’t out of the usual. “The bunks are gonna feel like shit tomorrow.”

Her fingers grazed his stomach lightly as she focused her eyes back onto the movie that was playing, although her mind was still elsewhere.

What if they decided that being together in a romantic way wouldn’t work for now? Would Jane be able to be on tour with him if they broke up? Or even worse, what if Rob, if he hadn’t already, started to develop feelings for Zoe? Even she could see the appeal – she wasn’t in the limelight, she seemed to be relaxed, and she definitely wouldn’t fall into the ‘wild’ category like Jane did.

The more Jane thought about it, the more she felt herself becoming anxious, so she took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut for a momentarily, as if it would clear all of the negative thoughts from her head. And it didn’t work.

Jane needed to distract herself somehow before she pushed herself into an emotional breakdown.

“Hey,” she whispered as she rolled herself onto her stomach with Rob’s arm still under her. “I’m too stoned to pay attention,” she laughed as she nodded her head toward the TV. Her eyes lingered on his face for a few seconds before she grabbed one of his hands and brought it to her face.

The blisters were healing, but they still looked painful, and Jane winced at the sight and mumbled a “Jesus, Rob,” as she examined them. Then, after kissing his palm gently, she moved to his index finger and pressed her lips onto the tip of it as her eyes landed on hers.

It didn’t take much to get Jane in the mood, and in that moment, the adrenaline-like feeling washed through her body, but instead of acting on her feelings, she pressed her face into the pillow next to Rob’s and groaned.

“Do I need to go to meetings or something?” she asked rhetorically, her voice muffled by the down pillow. If Jane’s inability to control herself physically wasn’t bad enough, it seemed to be even worse around Rob. The fact that she was falling more and more in love with him as the days passed wasn’t helping either.

“I’m sorry I’m like this,” she spoke again with her face still in the pillow. “I’m sorry I can’t sit still anymore. And that this tour has made everything between us so weird. And that I’m emotionally unavailable most of the time, and…” her voice cracked as she began to feel tears rush to her eyes.

”Stop it, Jane. Don’t fucking cry.”

Jane picked up her head and turned her face away from Rob as she worked to control her emotions. “I must be PMSing or something,” she mumbled in an attempt to downplay what was happening inside of her.

When they embarked on the tour, Jane was confident in who she was. Now, part of her desperately wanted to change, to try to open up more, to try to get by on something other than physical pleasure and getting high. But, at this point, it was what she was familiar with, and definitely the easier path to take in times like this.

She began to laugh at herself, and her hand wiped away any tears that may have formed, and once she worked up the courage, she turned to face him. It was almost comical that although both of them had slept with other people within the past twenty-four hours, they were still there together, unconcerned with everything else happening around them.

“I’m glad we did this.”

[HangYourSecrets]

Being able to relax and cook like this seemed to be something Rob needed. There was such an inner piece for doing so, and the taste of food that he had made himself was something that was oddly cathartic.

The evening continued to relax, and it seemed to do, with cuddling and joints. It was something they seemed to enjoy doing together, and other of the things the had done as a couple that Rob had sorely missed in the days here in Europe.

And so they watched the television, comfortably, together, and in silence. Words weren’t necessarily needed in times like this. But, as the evening progressed, he could feel Jane gently begin to tense up in his arms. And she might not have said anything up at this point, but body language could not lie. What was bothering her? I thought we had cleared the air. At least…for a night.

Soon, she seemed to press herself into a pillow, frustrated at what she wanted. It only could bring more guilt to Rob. The more time passed, the more he began to regret telling her about his stress concerning their sex life. Rob was a guy. Sex was sex and sex was great. But…it was also something more for him. It always had been. He knew it and she did as well.

But something seemed deeply, deeply wrong. She raised her head, trying to hide her tears from him to no avail. The stresses of the road which had dissipated from Rob’s mind seemed to linger in hers. And there was little he could do for her to fix the problem—something he desperately wanted to do for her.

“It’s alright,” he said first, after she had finished, but couldn’t find other words. Slowly, he reached out and pulled her to him, resting her head on his chest, feeling her atop him. “You don’t have to say it’s PMS. I understand.”

Which, as it was, was a lie. He couldn’t, nor could he ever, know fully what was bothering Jane. He only wished he did.

Rob continued: “Look, I know I just said this literally a few hours ago, but I don’t want you to think I don’t want to be with you. I know…” he sighed. “I guess I just wanted us to talk more and picked something easy to blame. That’s myopic of me.”

Rob sighed. “We’ve both apologized for enough this evening, yeah?” He lifted her head to his, and couldn’t help but kiss her. “And I’m glad we did this too.”

Part of his paternal instincts had kicked in that night, and Rob was beginning to realize it. It was nice to say that everything was going to be ok, because it was a good thing to hope for. But…he was just as stressed and worried as she was. He couldn’t take back sex with Zoe, but what was beginning to plague him was that he had wanted it. That Rob could never have meaningless sex. Like with all things, he made it mean something.

A part of him wanted to discuss it. To tell Jane about how it freaked him out. How terrible it was that he had done that…and enjoyed it. Jane’s relationship with Andy was not enjoyable, but Rob felt comfortable in Jane enough to not worry about emotional infidelity. But himself?

It was all so new and confusing, and seeing Jane admit her own fears and weaknesses make him remember his own.

—

Several hours passed. The moon had long since hit it’s peak in the Norwegian sky, and was beginning to set again to start the next day anew. The next leg of their journey. As a band, as a couple…really as themselves, or so it seemed.

Rob found himself restless, and had left his bed to have a smoke on the balcony. They weren’t very high up, but the empty streets so far below seemed so distant and far from him.

The air that surrounded him sent a barren chill up his spine, how cool it was in comparison to the summers back home. There was a tinge of frigidness here in Norway, even here in the dead of summer. A lingering sense of distance, nearly.

He scratched at his hair, and noticed how long it had grown since the beginning of their journey. The back strands crept at his shoulders now, and he could very nearly tie it back. A physical sign of how far they had come. But the air was a continuing reminder of how far was left to travel.

It felt very much like a inflection. A turn. Just as aimless and wandering as ever, but with some renewed self of sense. And a greater sense of understanding.

The problem was, Rob didn’t want to continue on from here. He wanted to stay in this hotel room. On this balcony. With Jane, and nobody else. Away from the job touring had become, away from the world that seemed to push them apart.

Or maybe the world that showed them how different they were. How incompatible this all was.

The entirety of the tour was a sea of worry. Rob had spent so many moments, hours, and days like this, to where the words seemed to repeat themselves in his mind, and the worries etched into his brain. But it never seemed to cheapen their impact.

Rob slipped inside, drawing back into bed with Jane. Back to where things in fact, were easier. And were simpler. His eyes shut as he pulled her close to him once more, and his eyes rested; into a light sleep. Light enough to remember how amazing things felt in here.

And how cold the air was beyond them.

[megatrash]

One week later…

Jane sat against the cold brick wall that lined the back of the venue in an alley only illuminated by a few street lamps and a full moon that appeared blurry from the cloud coverage. Her black hoody was pulled over her unruly hair, leaving a few face-framing strands peeking out, and a cigarette twitched between her shivering fingers. A life of California weather did not prepare Jane for the beginning of fall in Europe, and she had noted earlier that she’ll need to buy a few more items for her wardrobe to compensate.

They had played another show in Norway, two in Sweden, two in Finland, and last night, they played in St. Petersberg, Russia.

They were now in Moscow.

The night her and Rob shared had alleviated a lot of the tension not felt by just them, but by their band mates as well, and everyone seemed to be a lot more satisfied with the dynamic they now shared. Although they had planned to discuss their relationship more in depth than they had at the hotel, the opportunity never arose. Their schedule had been extremely busy and regimented over the course of the week, so much so that Jane found herself wanting to rebel like she was a kid in school again. Interviews one day, pictures the next day. A day-time show at a coffee shop followed by their usual nightly set at an intimate venue. More talk about writing new songs, mostly prompted by Harold.

It was event after event after event, and it was beginning to wear on her.

This is why she was sitting alone in an alley, away from both In Bloom and Vicarious, hoping for just a moment’s peace. Strangely enough, Jane never wanted to be alone, but now, the constant chatter and the high expectations were beginning to feel overwhelming.

As she lit another cigarette, her mind couldn’t help but flash to thoughts of Rob. Jane had slept with Andy again since the night at the hotel, this time in a utility closet located in a back hallway of a venue they had played. It wasn’t planned, but it was fun; she enjoyed the risk factor that came with intimacy in unusual places.

Part of her, of course, felt guilty for it. Things had yet to be worked out with Rob, so she wasn’t sure exactly where he stood, but if Jane wasn’t mistaken, Rob had been spending time with Zoe, too, who was another person who frequently crossed her mind. She felt as though she should try to make amends with Zoe, although nothing ever really happened, but the awkward energy between them was really starting to get to her. Maybe she’d get her number from Andy and send her a text to get coffee.

“Jane Molloy?” a man’s voice armed with a thick accent cracked through the quiet alleyway. “You got five minutes.”

Jane grunted as she stood up and stomped out her cigarette with her Doc Marten boots, a new purchase she had decided to treat herself with. “Thanks.”

After reaching the side stage, Jane approached Rob and hugged his waist tightly as she looked up to him. “It’s getting too cold out there,” she said quietly. “If it gets any colder on the bus at night, I’m moving into your bunk permanently.” She reached up to his neck and pulled herself to her toes to kiss him.

Jane didn’t want to get her hopes up, but this was the longest streak of happiness that her and Rob had for a long time. Could they have finally figured it out?

“In Bloom, you’re up,” the same man barked again.

She released Rob from her grasp and sank back down to her feet sighing. “Here we go.”

*****

The set was Jane’s best since they had landed, partly because she had been trying to compensate for the fact that it was becoming more and more of a chore to perform each night. She danced around, interacted with the crowd, and nearly blew out her voice from giving it her all.

Jane could already feel that she’d need to be on vocal rest for at least the night. She grabbed a water bottle form the craft table, chugged half of it, and then dumped the rest over her head. One thing was for sure, she wasn’t cold anymore.

She peeled the flannel she was wearing off of her and used it to rid her forehead of the sweat that had accumulated during the show. Before she could fully catch her breath, Andy approached and patted her both her shoulders.

“Sick set,” he smiled as his eyes scanned her. “Went a little hard, huh?”

Jane nodded, remaining quiet but offering a smirk.

“Killed your cords again?” Andy’s playful expression turned to a concerned one, and one hand remained on her shoulder. “You gotta be careful. Lots of great artists ruin their voices way too early.”

She frowned for a moment before punching his arm playfully. “I’ll be fine.”

Andy nodded, then leaned an arm against the wall next to him. “You wanna hang out later?” The tone of his voice suggested that he wanted to do more than just ‘hang out.’

“I’m exhausted,” Jane’s extremely hoarse voice whispered. “I’m probably just gonna hit the sack.”

Andy shushed her, then ruffled her hair. “See you tomorrow, kid.”

Yes, Jane was tired, but lately, she was [i]always[/tired]. If she had to be honest, she mostly turned Andy down so that, if Rob had no plans that night, they could lay in his bunk together. Although it sounded pathetic, it was all that she craved in that moment. That, and a joint.

She scanned her surroundings and saw no sign of Rob, so Jane decided to head back to the bus on her own for a shower, and after, some much needed rest.

*****

With the exception of Grant, no one else had reentered the bus yet as Jane got out of the shower. Enjoying the privacy, Jane closed the curtain and took her time getting dressed in only a long t shirt before crawling into Rob’s empty bunk.

Jane knew that she’d have to at least try to diffuse the negative energy festering between her and Zoe, not only for her sake, but their band mates as well. Hell, maybe she’d think Zoe was awesome once she got to know her, and she could understand what Rob was so attracted to. The only thing stopping her was her pride. Zoe started it, right? She was the one who disliked her for no reason.

”Just do it, Jane.”

She formulated a text to Andy:

Jane, 11:43 PM: Hey. What’s Zoe’s number?
Andy, 11:46 PM: You know, if you fuck her too, things will get a lot weirder.
Jane, 11:48 PM: Har har har. Not trying to do that.
Andy, 11:51 PM: 720 555 8624

Jane sighed. Should she do this? Would it backfire? Is there anything to even talk about?

Jane, 11:58 PM: Hey Zoe. It’s Jane. I think we got off on the wrong foot, and I was wondering if you wanna meet up for lunch or something tomorrow. Or a drink, lol. Let me know.

Once she sent it, she threw her phone up into her bunk above her and rubbed her eyes. Jane wasn’t looking to become best friends with her by any means, but due to the fact that Jane was sleeping with both Zoe’s ex-boyfriend and her current interest, maybe it’d be best if there wasn’t unspoken anger between them. Maybe.

Jane groaned as she reached up to her phone once again to send a last text.

Jane, 12:04 AM: In your bunk with a joint. If I’m asleep, you can wake me up.
Jane, 12:05 AM: Voice is fried though, so I can’t talk.. :)

Jane squeezed her eyes shut and hoped that Rob would come back to the bus, but she knew that he wasn’t obligated to. They were both still free to do as they pleased, but as of late, she found herself wondering if Rob was making emotional connections as well. That would hurt much worse than any physical relationship he could get involved with.

She tried to stay awake as she waited for him, but she began to drift in and out of sleep. The sound of feet shuffling past her made her eyes pop open, but it was just Austin, who knelt down beside the bunk.

“Good job tonight, J,” Austin whispered. “You doin’ okay?”

Jane nodded in response with a faint smile.

“Good. Let me know if you need anything.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead before moving back towards the shower.

This was Jane’s last memory of waiting for Rob, so she must have fallen asleep shortly after with both her phone and the joint still in her hands.

[HangYourSecrets]

The air was thick with the stench of cigarettes and much more. The tables were covered in paraphilia, and Trent was hard at work grinding bud he had purchased the other day. The lights had been dimmed down to next to nothing, and the room glowed red from the tinted lamp in the corner. The air was alive with chatter and Back Stabbin’ Betty by Cage The Elephant blared loudly over the speakers.

Rob was standing next to a seated Trent, beer in hand and halfway through a long story with Vicarious crew members David and Michelle, with Zoe and Matt watching on, amused.

It a week since Rob’s night alone with Jane, and things had only improved from here. Rob’s time with Jane had long since improved from earlier on the tour, and the two seemed to finally be aligned on the same frequency. The unspoken tension between himself and the rest of the In Bloom crew seemed to have also melted away, and his relationship with the Vicarious crew had grown exponentially. It seemed now nearly all of the time before a show, he spent in their tour bus, drinking and smoking, finally growing used to the lifestyle he had always been apprehensive about. Maybe it was the silent acceptance that life would always be so volatile, or simply the need for sedation from the brutal road, but Rob found himself more and more in the moment, less and less locked inside of his own head. And the feeling was great.

His hands had finally healed over, and his playing had grown even more reliable in the meantime. And, his libido, shockingly enough, had grown significantly. And perhaps that was, in part, due to Zoe.

Zoe and Rob, once initially moving forward from being intimate, ended up having sex several more times. In fact, it seemed nearly as often as his intimacy with Jane. Sam had earlier even joked about it, saying back on the bus once that “Rob gets laid more often than he eats.”

So…things were going pretty well. Jane seemed a bit less inclined to hang around the group (as well as Andy, who was noticeably absent from the bus this evening), but Rob felt a more comfortable sense in knowing that the ill will between them had settled.

Perhaps it had taken weeks, but Rob was finally, honestly pretty happy with the setup between himself and Jane. As well as the one between him and Zoe.

As the rest of the crew gathered around Trent’s table to trade more stories, Rob felt Zoe’s arm brush up against him, pulling him towards the back of the bus. The look in her eyes were clear and direct, for what she wanted from him.

He happily obliged, and finished the rest of his beer, before moving with her and closing the door behind them.

“When’s your set?” Zoe asked. She moved to the edge of the bed, pulling her boots off. Rob followed suit, slipping his shirt off and moving towards the music controls for the bus, being sure to crank the volume a good deal louder.

“A little under an hour,” he joked. “We’re gonna need something louder.”

He looked for a moment on the iPod that had been hooked up, and found the sing he had desired: One-Armed Scissor by At The Drive-In. The familiar opening riff caused the now-buzzed Rob to nod softly to the beat for a moment, before turning and climbing onto he bed.

“Holy shit,” Zoe joked, allowing Rob to lower her down onto the bed. “I haven’t heard this in years.”

“I used to blast this shit with Jane and the others,” Rob joked. “Back when I thought we could be a post-hardcore band.”

“I don’t know what’s funnier to imagine,” Zoe shot back: “Jane screaming over hardcore riffs, or you screaming over them.”

“I don’t think you’d want to hear either,” Rob smiled, and pulled into her.

And behind him, the lyrics roared:

Cut away!

Cut away!

—

Afterwards, Rob was backstage, having cleaned up since his time on the bus. He was adorned in a tight, thin grey hoodie, and his usual gym shorts. Funnily enough, he had ditched any form of footwear back on the bus, and stood barefoot as he watched the crowd through the curtains.

Jane seemed to have rubbed off on him yet.

“Jesus Christ, man,”Austin jokingly called out to him, approaching is his usual stage attire. “You don’t know what the hell’s on this stage floor.”

“Jane wouldn’t mind,” Rob joked, looking down at his own bare feet.

But Austin didn’t seemed too amused. “Who knows what Russian diseases are on these floors. We don’t need another Red Scare, man.”

Rob laughed, “Fine. I’ll try not to be a total hippie next time for you.”

“Good,” Austin said. “Got that sorted out. Now if only I could find a way to fuck as much as you so, I’d be set,”

Rob punched Austin in the shoulder, light enough to let him know it was all in good taste. “Get your own sex life to critique,” he said. “There are lots of fine-looking women in the crowd tonight. Feel free to take your pick.”

“That’s just not fair, man,” Austin said. “The musician getting with his fans? That’s just straight abuse of power.”

“When has that ever stopped you?” Rob asked.

Austin paused for a moment, then laughed. “See you on stage, man.”

He turned and moved back behind stage, disappearing from Rob’s sight. Jane swung by quite soon after (surprisingly not barefoot), and the two quickly pulled into an embrace.

”If it gets any colder on the bus at night, I’m moving into your bunk permanently.”

“I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to move,” he said with a smirk, and slipped a hand into her hair. After a crew member rudely shouted them onstage, he pulled back. “Showtime,” he muttered.

—

Rob played this portion of the show as well as he could without overdoing it. For the sake of his healing hands, he’d grown more and more technical with his playing, minimizing any moment that wasn’t necessary to play the notes. He was sure it wasn’t as fun to watch, but it was hard to act like you’re having the time of your life, when you have it six nights a week.

After the show had ended, Rob took a towel from the nearest stage hand and pulled out his phone. He texted as he mindlessly helped pack up over the next half-hour:

—

11:29PM, Zoe: Want to come by after the show?

11:34 PM, Rob: Think I’m going to take the night off. I don’t even know where we’re going next, I get so little sleep.

11:39 PM, Zoe: Kiev.

11:47 PM, Rob: I’m pretty sure that I failed World Geography in High School. Forgive me.

11:59, Zoe: Well shit. Guess who just texted me.

12:05, Rob: Jane?

12:07, Zoe: Yeah. She wanted to meet up sometime. Says we started out wrong.

12:09, Rob: Please do that.

12:12, Zoe: I guess I probably should. I’ll ask her when she wanted to, I guess. But it’s not like you’re best friends with Andy, either.

12:15, Rob: The guy looks like he’s constantly wanting to kill me.

12:18, Zoe: You’re not half-wrong. Going to bed. Night.

12:19, Rob: Night.

—

Rob rolled his eyes as he slipped the phone back into the pocket. While it was true that Zoe and Jane never really spoke, the same was equally true with Andy. A part of Rob figured that he was Jane’s go-to person when Rob was being unsavory, but the same could be argued about Zoe as well. Both of them were tied together to these two people—he’s sure both he and Jane probably said the wrong things at some point. Maybe that fueled it. He didn’t know.

What was more ambiguous was Zoe’s relationship with Andy. The two seemed to talk when they could, but it was always nearly out of sight. And Zoe never spoke about Andy unless it absolutely had to come up. And when Rob brought it up, Zoe typically ended the conversation then and there.

He was less concerned about whether or not the two were romantically involved, and more worried about what the two might talk about. Or it they talk about him and Jane.

It was strange, but he tried not to worry about it.

Jane had texted him as he had finished the last of the work as was moving to the bus, and Rob showered knowing she’d be waiting for him in the bunk. He crawled into bed soon after, pulling the joint from her hands and taking a drag.

“That’s probably a fire hazard,” he said softly, finishing it off. The desire to sleep was strong, and stronger now that he was fully used to sleeping with Jane. Almost to the point where insomnia would kick in each night they occupied separate bunks. He gently lifted her from how she lay and pulled her in close, slipping his hand it it’s usual position.

“We’ll have to switch instruments if you keep blowing your voice out,” he joked in a whisper. “You can have the blisters and I’ll have the shredded voice.”

Rob’s eyes softly closed as he moved his head closer to Jane’s. “Wouldn’t that be something?”

And moments later, Rob slowly fell asleep.

—

Rob found himself on the couch the next morning, having gotten up long before Jane, sometime around eight in the morning. The drive across Europe was taking longer than anticipated. Typically, he would be free to roam whatever city he was at, but he could only watch as the Russian landscape slowly subsided outside of his window. They had gone as east as possible, almost crossing into Asia. Now began the slow craw back westward. Towards home.

The idea seemed like a strange one. That they had gone so far to the east, they had almost gone west. Here, halfway across the world, enjoying fame they were told more of rather than saw, sitting on enough income to record the next record in a nice, official studio.

Absentmindedly, Rob pulled out his phone and moved back in the bus to the bunks. Each curtain had been drawn, so taking the opportunity, Rob took a quick selfie with the closed bunks in view, and promptly it on his Instagram with the caption:

@Rob.Pennie Moscow, you were great! The rest of the crew is still recovering, but we’ll be in Kiev tonight, rested and ready. Come on out if you’re in the area.

While it felt disingenuous, the new Instagram for himself and some of the other members was a part of a deal with Harold to “draw more social media attention.” And, to be honest, it was pretty effective. Within a minute, 300 people had liked the photo, with a few comments from people attending tonight.

Satisfied with his daily entry online, Rob moved back towards the couch, but couldn’t help but feel suffocated by the fact that they were still driving. He moved forward, to talk to Grant.

“Hey man,” he said, wiping the tired look from his eyes. “How much longer until we get to Kiev?”

“Four hours, probably,” he said quietly. “We got stuck in Moscow traffic for a while when you guys were asleep.”

“Thanks,” said Rob, who moved back towards the couch. He let out a moan, and instead of perching on his usual place on the couch, he opted to lay down on the floor of the bus with a loud, exaggerated groan, laying face-down in front of the couch, instead of on it.

The cabin fever from being on this bus was strong, and he was in the Vicarious tour bus so often, we was beginning to get cabin fever in there, too.

The sooner he could get out of this bus, the better.

[megatrash]

A groaned escaped her lips as Jane’s eyes began to involuntarily flutter open, and as she became conscious, her senses felt the cool sheets that had taken Rob’s place. The night before had been enjoyable – after Rob had joined her in the bunk, they spoke for a bit, but Jane could sense his exhaustion, so instead of trying anything, she let him fall asleep in his usual big spoon position.

Well, that wasn’t the only reason she didn’t try anything.

Although Rob had explained that Jane’s sexuality was just a scapegoat he used for his frustration during their time at the hotel, his words still sat in the back of her mind. It had never been an issue before with any other person – Jane’s libido – but now that it had been brought up by the person she cared for the most, it made her worried. Especially now with Rob’s frequent absence.

Jane rubbed her eyes before grabbing her phone to be greeted by a text from Zoe saying she was okay with meeting up for lunch. It was relieving, honestly, because she wasn’t sure what her reaction would be. Jane didn’t know Zoe at all really, besides what Andy and Rob had mentioned.

Jane, 8:29 AM: Sounds good. Let’s say an hour after we get to Kiev?

After lying in bed silently for a few more minutes, Jane finally forced herself up and put on a pair of shorts, then made her way to the front of the bus to see Rob on the couch. She smiled, sitting down and curling up next to him. “I’m meeting up with Zoe later,” she began, her voice breaking into a whisper from the strain she put on her vocal cords. “I can’t take the weird vibe between us anymore.”

Jane rubbed the arm she leaned on briefly before standing up and walking over to Grant. “I definitely can’t smoke a cigarette in here, right?”

Grant shook his head. “No.”

“Okay,” Jane sighed. “Well, how much longer ‘til we get there?”

“Three and a half hours. I just told your boyfriend.”

The words sent a wave of adrenaline through her body. Boyfriend? Jane had never used that word to describe Rob. Never even really thought about it. In all honesty, he kind of was her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who slept with other women while she slept with other people too. It just felt strange hear someone refer to Rob as anything other than, well… Rob. And her reaction made her feel like a child, so she swallowed and nodded, moving now to the fridge to grab a water bottle.

Everyone in the bus was still asleep by the looks of it, causing Jane to playfully raise an eyebrow.

”Stop it. Rob said he didn’t like that you only wanted to be physically intimate with him.”

She paused for a moment, toying with the idea, before giving in to her own desires and crawling back up to Rob on the couch. “Hey,” she spoke quietly as she began to kiss his neck, then, she moved to his ear, choosing to whisper her desires to him rather than say them aloud due to their nature. Jane rarely ever spoke in a graphic way in regards to intimacy with Rob, but something about having to suppress herself was only making her sensual side more apparent.

She pulled away and looked at him with a smirk before dragging him up to his feet and towards the back of the bus.

*****

They had finally arrived in Kiev, and before exiting the bus, Jane layered herself in jeans, boots, a large, long sleeve t-shirt, and a beanie. Especially now, without her muscle mass from being physically active, it was a challenge to stay warm. She grabbed her pack of cigarettes and stepped off the bus to see Andy doing the same thing about twenty feet away. A smile tugged at her lips as she waved him over, and together, they walked to the tail of In Bloom’s bus.

“What’s up?” Jane greeted him as she exhaled the smoke from her cigarette.

“Glad to be off the bus. I was about to eat a Newport,” he laughed.

“Ugh, I know.” Jane scratched at her hair through her hat. “I guess I’m having lunch with Zoe. I figured if we’re fucking the same dude, it’d be more fun if we were cool with each other.”

“And, boy, have they been fucking,” Andy laughed.

“Wait,” Jane said abruptly as she turned her body to directly face him. “What do you mean by that?”

Andy cocked his head to the side in curiosity. “I mean, that’s all I hear from the guys. I guess they’ve been going at it, like, every day. Zoe was never like that when she was with me.”

Panic began to settle in, making Jane's stomach knot up. “Rob told me that he didn’t want all my time with him to be only sex. Which, in my mind, sounded like he wanted me to tone it down. But then why would he…” she trailed off as her mind furiously spun all the incomplete thoughts she was having around like a tornado.

Andy frowned. “Jane, I’m sure it’s not like that.” He let his cigarette hang out of his lips as he put both of his hands on her shoulders and massaged them gently.

“Then what is it?” Jane’s voice cracked. “Why am I trying so hard not to be all over him just so he could go be with someone else?” She rubbed the bridge of her nose firmly as she took a drag of her cigarette. “I get the arrangement. I do. But I would never turn Rob down just to go sleep with you instead.” Jane winced at her words. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Andy chuckled. “You’re not madly in love with me.”

Jane punched his arm and sighed. “I gotta calm down before I go eat with Zoe. If I, uh, go to lunch angry, it’s probably not gonna go well, yeah?”

He nodded. “Yeah, probably not. Hey, I think there’s a bar in this strip. Wanna grab a drink before you go?”

“Yeah,” she smirked. “Sounds good.”

*****

In an hour’s time, Jane and Andy had a drink, hooked up in one of the single-occupant bathrooms, smoked a joint, and returned back to the busses. Nothing about it had been romantic, but truly, that wasn’t what Jane wanted at the time. She wanted something aggressive and distracting, and that was what she received. She felt a bit better, but she didn’t want to go back inside the van to see Rob, so she had Andy tell Zoe that she was ready to go.

They said their awkward greetings and entered the cab that she had called for them. The ride to the city was silent between them, mainly due to the fact that the cab driver was blaring some sort of Ukrainian dance mix. At one point, they both looked to each other and laughed, and at that moment, Jane felt a bit relieved. Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

After placing their lunch orders, Jane took a sip of her beer and straightened her posture before beginning to speak. “Thanks for, uh, agreeing to do this. I think we’ve let this tension between us go on for too long, yeah?”

Jane could already feel herself beginning to choke. Being in front of the woman that could possibly take Rob away from her was extremely intimidating, but she kept on her poker face.

“Excuse my voice, by the way. Went way too hard last night, I guess.” Her voice sounded like shit, squeaking and cracking as if she was a prepubescent boy.

“I don’t expect us to be friends or anything after this. Having the same taste in men might make that difficult, anyway,” Jane chuckled, more nervously than anything. “Look. I know you and Rob have gotten, uh, close, and I’m not mad about that at all. It’s what we agreed to. Plus, when you’re in love with someone,” Jane froze for a brief second after she realized what she had said.

”Idiot.”

Jane couldn’t decide if she should try to cover up with she said, or to continue like it was nothing, and she chose the latter.

“ – And something, or someone, makes them happy, then I guess you just gotta roll with it.” Her own words were beginning to make her sad. It did seem as though Zoe made him happy. Could be happier around her than Jane herself? Would he allow his feeling to grow beyond the physical realm?

“Anyways. I didn’t see us getting so tangled up in your band like we did, but it happened, and I think if we all got along, it make things a lot better for everyone.” She took another sip of her beer. “I probably don’t have to tell you this, but Rob’s a great guy. The best, really. And I know we’re, like, super different and shit, but I figured you must not be so bad if he likes spending time with you.” Jane smiled to show she was joking.

Deep inside, the pain she felt was gnawing away at her. Jane could feel the animalistic instinct to protect what was hers and not be so welcoming to Zoe bubbling up inside her, but she wasn’t going to let that happen. Rob would probably be angry, even, if Jane did anything to interrupt whatever was happening. So she swallowed her pride. For now.

“So, that’s my piece.”

*****

Andy knocked on the door of In Bloom’s bus and popped his head in to see Rob sitting on the couch. “Hey, dude. I guess you can say Jane inspired me. Let me know a time, and we’ll grab a drink.” And as quickly as he said it, he disappeared back outside into the cold weather and darted back to his own.

[HangYourSecrets]

“Thanks,” Rob said, glad to hear Jane’s agreement to meet with Zoe. The tension between them was certainly palpable. But another part of Rob would slightly worried at the thought of the two together. What they both know. What they might say to each other. He tried not to think of it.

Luckily enough for him, Rob felt Jane approach him from the side, and whisper a few choice words to him. He was surprised at the approach—she had rarely done so, but she clearly knew Rob. He hadn’t gotten this turned on, this quickly, since Jane and Rob had started to become intimate.

He could hardly make it to the bunks to begin.

—

Once the bus parked in Kiev, Rob got dressed for the cooler weather, slipping on a comfortable bomber jacket over one of his usual t-shirts, and a grey beanie to hold his long hair back from the windy forecast. He was just about to exit the bus when the door opened, and Zoe stepped in, in her usual black attire.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly, closing the door and the cold behind her. She dressed in her usual dark attire. “Looking good, I see.”

“I was just about to head over to see what was going on,” he said. “You’re meeting with Jane today, right?”

Zoe looked around, seemingly unsure of whether or not friendly ears were hanging around. “Mind if we go for a walk, first?”

Rob nodded, and the two of them exited the bus and walked around the block; for a while, neither said much.

“You’re cool with what’s going on, right?” she finally asked, her head locked down to the pavement. “Between us?”

“Yeah,” Rob said. He was caught off-guard by her seemingly sudden question. “Why?”

“I’ve meeting with Jane today, man,” she admitted. “I just want to look her in the eye and be honest without having to worry about some communication issues. And since we’re in this situation, we might as well try to make sure everyone’s alright with the terms.”

Rob laughed slightly. “I was worried about the same thing,” he admitted. For all his thoughts he tended not to think of just how alright his actions had been these past few days since the hotel. The thought of making sure everyone was ok with stuff was starting to weigh on him. “You know, for a casual relationship, there’s a whole lot more to worry about.”

“It all just reminds me of Andy,” she admitted. “When that was a thing. How we were both dumb enough to not talk it out and it ended up going terribly. And I might not be Jane’s biggest fan, but maybe we’ll be on the same page after all of this. I dunno.”

“So ya’ll are going to be friends now?” Rob joked, prompting Zoe to elbow him slightly in his side.

“I doubt it,” she said. “But we can try not to hate each other. I’ve never really talked to her, so this ought to be interesting.”

“Well, I like her,” he tossed out in a sort of no-shit-sherlock tone, “so…”

Zoe laughed, and seemed to try to enjoy the moment. Both of them kept their even pace forward, before Zoe asked: “It’s hard not to develop feelings…isn’t it?”

Rob froze momentarily. The thought of him falling for Zoe had crossed his mind before. It was one of his biggest fears for himself, and was half the reason why he had taken so long to be intimate with her in the first place. He wished things were much simpler. That Jane was a purely emotional relationship, and Zoe was a purely physical relationship. His own empathy was beginning to muddy the waters, and confuse him and others more. And while Jane gave him passion and lust and partnership, Zoe had become another person entirely. Someone he went to for solace. And so much of him felt like that was wrong. Not even to mention how Jane seemed to act differently when approaching lust—something that was entirely Rob’s fault.

Fuck, it was all getting to be so much to keep up with.

—

It had just started to rain on the tour bus when Zoe and Rob split off—Zoe to meet with Jane, and Rob to spend his lunch time in solitude, on the bus. The droplets struck his face and he ran to the bus, to seek some sort of refuge from the confusion and the rain.

Grant was fast asleep (luckily he had purchased ear plugs to ignore their constant roving around), and the others were out catching a film, leaving Rob to call a local sub shop, and having them deliver a sandwich to the bus. He was halfway through it, when the door opened, and Andy slipped in.

“Hey, dude. I guess you can say Jane inspired me. Let me know a time, and we’ll grab a drink.”

Before Rob could even respond, Andy had slipped away again, and his mental silence was shattered. He had known Jane and Andy talked, surely. Rob and Zoe talked almost as much as Rob and Jane these days, and Jane surely wasn’t sitting around when Rob was busy. Andy and Rob had hardly spoken, and the prospect of trying it out was probably the same was Zoe had felt earlier about meeting with Jane.

He felt like he’d be a hypocrite if he didn’t take up the opportunity.

Rob opened the door and called out to the departing Andy:

“Hey, no one’s here, if you just wanted to come in.”

Andy seemed to hesitate, and turn around, moving quickly to get out of the rain.

Here went nothing.

—

Several minutes past, and Andy and Rob were talking about mostly nothing. Different opinions on the tour, what latest thing happened on the news, and a whole host of other things—all of little importance. Finally, by the third beer, both of them were beginning to grow more comfortable. Enough so, to finally talk about Jane and Zoe.

“You and Zoe, huh?” Andy asked. “So when did that start?”

“I guess about a week ago, really,” Rob said, looking to his glass. “Me and Jane kind of needed each other’s blessing to get on that. Even though we already agreed on it before.”

“Well, you’re both making up for lost time, clearly,” Andy laughed. “No offense, but it isn’t very subtle.”

“I’ve never really done, ‘subtle,’ I guess,” Rob admitted. “But you probably know both of them well enough to know neither has a very low libido.”

Andy laughed. “Seriously. I mean, Zoe might not have been as forward with me as with you, but she’s not one to deny.”

It felt a bit wrong, the two of them discussing the sexual lives of Zoe and Jane. But, to be fair, at least they were talking. Rob tried to avoid thinking of that sort of thing in the moment.

“I’m just glad we’re talking, finally,” Rob admitted. “I didn’t know if there was a thing between us that needed to be said. I know you and Zoe were a thing at one point, too, so I didn’t know if that was a problem.”

“We’ve both slept with the same two women at this point, dude,” Andy said. “Obviously it’s a strange thought, but I’m not mad about it if you aren’t.”

Rob thought for a moment. “I guess I’m not,” he said.

“Look,” Andy started. “We don’t have to pretend to be best friends or anything. That’s fine with me. But if this is going to continue, we should probably stop avoiding each other. And that’s on me as well. So…this is good.”

“Yeah,” Rob said. “It is.”

The two worked a bit off of the subject, and talked about other things for a bit, before Andy excused himself and left the room. Guys typically didn’t have discussions such as they one they had had, and there was a reason they hardly really made progress in the grand scheme of things. But both of them were willing to at least stop the odd silence between them, and Rob was at least glad for that. If anything, it was a first step. Now he would have to wait and see how Jane felt about Zoe.

[megatrash]

Jane shifted uncomfortably as she waited for Zoe’s response to her rambling. She thought Rob was hard to read, but Zoe was on a completely different level; her expression barely changed the entire time that Jane spoke, and her ability to hold eye contact during an awkward situation like this made her feel like the weaker of the two. And Jane didn’t like that. As the one technically dating Rob, she felt as though she should have had the upper hand in the situation, but Zoe’s unwavering stone-cold demeanor alone already made Jane worried.

“Well,” Zoe began in a voice lower than Jane’s, making her realize that she hadn’t really even heard her voice before, “I guess I can appreciate the offer to settle things. I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled at the way things are between everyone – the tension, I mean.”

Jane nodded as she took a sip of her beer. Her mind kept begging her to blurt things out, what she was truly feeling about Rob and Zoe spending so much time together, but she managed to keep her cool.

“I’ve only heard things here and there from the guys, but I know you and Andy have been hooking up, and I just wanted to put it out there that I don’t give a fuck. I got over him a long time ago.” Zoe paused as she, too, took a sip of her drink. “As you probably know, Andy and I were in the same boat as you and Rob. Thought if we kept it casual, no one would get hurt and we could have our fun. I was wrong.”

Jane cocked her head to the side. “What happened? I mean, I know you guys ended things, but Andy hasn’t really gone into detail.”

“I couldn’t handle him being with other women, even though I knew it was nothing emotional.”

“Oh,” Jane replied quietly. “I get that.” She was sympathizing, but honestly, what they did together was the least of her worries. She was much more concerned with the possibility of –

“Hanging out with Rob has really made it apparent of how awful Andy and I were together.”

“Uh huh,” Jane’s voice squeaked, still showing signs of damage from the night before, but she was sure that her reluctance to continue the conversation wasn’t helping.

“I haven’t clicked with someone like this in a really long time.”

Jane’s eyes burned a hole in the table as Zoe spoke, not daring to try to meet her stare. Her heart beat began to grow louder and louder in her ears as she listened to Zoe speak, and as nonchalantly as she could, she began to take deeper breaths in an attempt to manage the emotions that were beginning to bubble up inside of her. How she described her and Rob’s budding relationship didn’t sound at all to Jane like what she had signed up for. It seemed deeper than that.

“And, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe Rob’s just that easy to get along with. But, it’s a refreshing change of pace to hang out with someone who is such an open book.”

”But he’s not. Not with me.”

“Y-yeah,” Jane stuttered as she scratched her head, stilling having yet to look up at Zoe. She definitely couldn’t now; she wasn’t sure if she was about to cry or scream, but it was definitely one of the two. In a panic, Jane pulled out her phone and pretended to be surprised when she looked at the time. “Oh, shit. I completely forgot about an interview Harold scheduled. I-I’m sorry.” Jane abruptly stood up and dug around her over-stuffed bag until she found her credit card.

“Here,” Jane handed it to Zoe. “Just, uh, give it to Rob when you get back. Feel free to use it for the cab, too.” The food arrived at that moment, and she sighed in frustration. “You can bring it back to the guys if you want. I gotta go.” She waved and nearly dashed out of the restaurant onto the busy downtown sidewalk, where pedestrians moseyed each direction around her. The panic was also causing a sense of claustrophobia, so as soon as her eyes landed on an alleyway, she shuffled her way through the crowd and stumbled into it, puking as soon as she was about ten feet in.

Her nerves hadn’t produced such a reaction since their early days on the tour, but it wasn’t uncommon for Jane. Her mom always said it was her bottling things in that made her puke, but she had always dismissed it as nonsense, but now more than ever, the things her mom told her seemed to make more sense as an adult.

”Oh, Janey,” her mother’s gruff voice sounded as she stroked the top of Jane’s head. “You’re gonna fall in love one day.”

Nineteen year old Jane shook her head and laughed at the thought as her and her mother sat on the couch, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. “I don’t think so. I barely get crushes on anyone. Plus, who would wanna fall in love with someone like me, huh? I can barely commit to the plans I make on the weekend.”

“You’re young,” her mother smiled. “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even someone crazy like you.”

“Yeah?” Jane nudged her arm. “Like who? And don’t you dare say Sheila’s son. He’s a fuckin’ creep.”

“What about Rob?” Her mother looked over at her. “The tall one you’re always with.”

“Ew, mom, no,” Jane shook her head. “He’s my best friend. That’d be weird.”

“Well, whoever it is, it’s going to happen.” Her mom smirked as she turned her attention back to the television. “You’ll fall madly, deeply in love with someone and wanna put all this partying bullshit behind you. You’ll start to care about what you say and what you do. You’ll wanna be a better person.”

“Whatever you say, mom.”

And here she was, puking in an alley mid-day in Kiev because another girl said, in so many words, that she was developing feelings for Rob. Which, in Jane’s mind, meant that he was probably developing them as well.

“Fuck,” Jane mumbled as she spit and wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

How was this going to pan out? Jane knew she had ignored the fact that when Rob was physically intimate with someone, it was never completely meaningless. But, maybe in just her fantasies, she imagined Rob never letting it get that far. That he would stop something like that in its tracks before it grew into anything problematic. Perhaps it wasn’t that problematic.

No. Jane had grown much too self-conscious over the course of the tour to not be concerned by Zoe’s words. The same thoughts that had plagued her when Rob first confessed his feelings to her began to flood her memory once again.

”You’re too wild. Too promiscuous. The party animal. Rob wouldn’t want to end up with someone like that.”

”He’s going to want to settle down one day, and you’re going to be left all alone once he decides.”

”He’ll want someone more stable. More relaxed.”

Jane’s forehead and hands rested on the cool brick wall as she began kicking it furiously with her boots for a few seconds, then, she finally sank down to the ground with the wall behind her back. What was she going to do? She couldn’t go back to the bus in this condition.

“Hey, Harold,” she spoke into the phone only a moment later. “If anyone asks, you booked an interview for me today, okay?”

“Sure, I guess so. Should I ask?” he sounded unamused by the situation already.

“No. Also, can you book me a hotel room for tonight? Hopefully somewhere I could check in ASAP? It’s fucking freezing outside.”

“Fine. But, don’t make this a habit, Jane. You’ve been so good lately. Please don’t fuck it up.”

Jane wanted to scream all the expletives she could think of at Harold, but in order to get what she wanted, she offered a weak “got it” and “thank you” before hanging up the phone and shoving her face into her hands.

Staying in a hotel room for the night was obviously just putting a band-aid on the emotional injury that needed much more, but for now, it’d have to do. Jane knew she was way too immature to go have a level-headed conversation with Rob any time soon, but she’d at least have to shoot him a text so that no one would worry.

Jane, 2:06 PM: Did an interview and started feeling like shit. Harold booked me a room so I could rest. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Soon after, a text from Harold came in with the details on the hotel’s location, and Jane left the alley after a few deep breaths to check in.

*****

An hour later, a knock sounded, and Jane peered through the peephole to see a distorted Andy on the other side.

“Hey,” Jane greeted him meekly as she closed the door behind him. “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah, of course,” Andy nodded as he put a bag on the counter. “Five joints, two Xanax, and your bottle of rum. Got a real weird look from Austin when I took that out of the fridge.” He turned back to her and frowned. “What the hell’s going on, Jane?”

“I, uh, I met with Zoe. I don’t know. I think there’s more going on than just fucking.” Jane wiped her eyes and sighed. “And I’m being a baby about it, I know. It just kind of caught me off guard.”

“What did you expect to happen?” Andy asked frankly. “You’ve told me yourself Rob’s nothing like you when it comes to shit like that.”

“Well, yeah, but – “

“But what, Jane?” Andy walked towards her slowly. “You’ve been too much of a pussy to tell Rob how you really feel, you decide to let him see other women, and then when he starts to grow attached to one, you think it’s his fault?”

“Catching feelings for someone else was not apart of our agreement.” The anger Jane was beginning to feel was starting to come out through her voice, which cracked as the volume increased. “So what? Is that it? I fucked it up, and now it is what it is?”

“Jane, calm down,” Andy said softly as he put a hand on her shoulder only for Jane to back up. “Why don’t you just tell him that you want to be exclusive?”

“’Cause he’s happy!” she replied as tears began to form into her eyes. “I can tell he enjoys spending time with her. I’m not an idiot.” Jane turned around as she blotted the tears that had formed with her sleeves. “I’m not gonna ruin that for him. Plus, what if I do tell him? It’s not like it’s gonna make him feel any different about her. I don’t even know what I want anymore.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry. You have nothing to do with this. I’m not angry at you.” Her fingers ran through her hair as she turned back around. “And I know I’m overreacting but…”

Andy stood a foot away from her, and as she faced him, he placed both of his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her. “It’s okay.” Not a moment passed for he leaned in and kissed her softly. “I talked with Rob earlier. Things are cool between us. He didn’t mention anything about falling in love with anyone.”

She snorted. “Well, that’s nothing new.”

“Give him some credit,” Andy smiled faintly as he brushed the stray hairs that had fallen over her face during her outburst. “He’s just doing what he thinks is best for the both of you. I don’t think his love for you is going away anytime soon.”

Jane rolled her eyes and looked up to him. “Whatever you say, man. Just… just don’t tell any of the guys why I’m here, yeah?”

Andy nodded, then leaned into her once again, kissing her as his hand snaked up the back of her neck into her hair.

She couldn’t lie, this was her ideal distraction for a situation like this, but Jane had conflicting thoughts on whether or not sleeping with Andy would make her feel better or worse. Having had accepted her issue with self-control long ago, though, she didn’t bother to fight it, and instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

*****

“Call me if you need anything,” Andy whispered as he pulled his shirt over his head and bent down to kiss the top of Jane’s head as she laid on her stomach in bed. The Xanax had already began to set in, and the sluggishness she felt barely allowed her to lift her head at all. “Thanks for everything.”

Andy nodded and waved before leaving the room and closing the front door quietly behind him. Sleeping with Andy only made her feel better for moments after, but now, in the silence, she felt painfully alone. If it wasn’t for the drugs, she’d probably start crying again, but she had no energy left for it.

A joint sat on the table, and after some grunting, she had it lit and was smoking it as she sat naked in bed. She desperately wanted to call Rob in an attempt to do some damage control, assuming that Zoe had told him the details of the lunch they had. But the problem with all of the drugs Jane had done was that it had lessened her ability to things the way they actually were, and not how she imagined they happened. Maybe Zoe really thought she just had an interview and that Jane had to leave. Maybe no one suspected a thing other than that she truly needed a rest before their show tomorrow.

After finishing the joint, Jane took another pill, knowing it would probably knock her out until noon tomorrow, but at that moment, she didn’t care. They had nothing scheduled, and any extra time she could buy before having to face reality once again seemed worth it.

She grabbed her phone and illuminated the screen to check the time when a notification for a text message caught her attention.

Austin, 3:09 PM: You good, J?

Jane sighed. Her friendship with Austin was slowly dwindling with all the other events going on.

Jane, 5:21 PM: Yeah, man. Thanks. I’ve just been getting exhausted easily. Should feel better tomorrow.

Austin, 5:24 PM: If you say so. Call me if you need me.

Jane, 5:25 PM: Thanks

She didn’t bother to check any of the other texts, not wanting to know what could possibly be hiding in her inbox. Instead, she tossed her phone onto the floor and let herself sink back down into the bed. Her now simple thoughts still lingered on Rob and Zoe, but they had become much more morose.

If Rob decided he’d rather be with Zoe, would they be able to still be friends?

No. no. It’d be too awkward. Jane couldn’t just be friends with him after all of this.

If Jane had fallen so completely in love with Rob, why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt?

It would cause too much drama. Rob seemed satisfied now, and although Jane wanted to be the sole cause of his happiness, that wouldn’t come from her taking it away from him. She would just have to deal with it.

Did Rob enjoy his intimate moments with Zoe more than Jane?

That couldn’t be true, right? If Jane was good at anything, it was singing and sex. But, Rob did mention that she came onto him too much. Maybe he was really just more satisfied with what he found in Zoe.

Jane threw the pillow over her face and screamed into it, ignoring the pain she felt in her throat. Her feet kicked at the sheets in frustration, and her small fingers gripped the pillow forcefully until she finally gave up and threw it across the room. It was all turning to shit, and Jane felt like she had no control over it.

At some point soon after, Jane fell into a deep sleep buried under the blanket and pillows that covered her, her last bit of energy spent on the fit she threw. Hopefully the immaturity she was displaying would pass by the morning tomorrow so that she could handle things like an adult. Or at least, not kick and scream about it.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob found himself sitting on a park bench somewhere slightly north of the city; annoyed at the light drizzle that poured from the sky. He didn’t want to be here.

Rob had fully expected Jane to have marched into the tour bus hours ago. He had waited around, not wanting to miss her arrival and hopefully find some time together. He had been having a small inkling of worry that he had been with Zoe more than Jane. One cryptic text from Jane later, he had far more than just a little worry.

He had texted Zoe soon after, and arranged to meet her here, after she had met up with Andy to talk. Rob had been sitting on this bench for nearly two hours before Zoe finally marched up, face blank and eyes locked onto his.

“Andy says it went well,” she said simply, sitting beside him. “I’m glad to hear it.”

Rob’s mind was on anything but Andy at the moment. “And yours?” He asked.

“Fine,” she said, dead in the air. The way she had said it seemed almost like an afterthought than a real answer. “Andy doesn’t usually take to people like you. I’m just glad it he did—“

“It didn’t seem fine,” Rob interrupted. Zoe’s face dropped a slight bit as he continued: “Jane’s disappeared.”

“Yeah,” she said. He could feel her growing slightly defensive. “An interview or something.”

“How do you know that?”

“She told me,” she said. More short answers.

“Seriously, what happened?” Rob said, nearly exasperated. Zoe was never this difficult to get answers out of. Not with him.

“Nothing, dude,” she said; seemingly fully frustrated with Rob at this point. She reached into her pocket and handed Rob a card. “Just bailed quickly after we had only talked a few minutes.”

“And did you say anything that set her off?”

“Jesus, Rob,” Zoe deflected. “Just ask her yourself if you care so much. I’m sure she could tell you herself.”

“Jane doesn’t just disappear like that,” Rob said. “Something tells me she wouldn’t answer even if I called.”

“Sure,” she said dryly. “If you know her so well.”

“I do. And could you just shoot straight with me?” Rob asked. “Where’s all of this deflective shit coming from?”

“It’s always the same with you guys, isn’t it?” Zoe finally snapped. “I never hear about her when things are fine, but the second she throws a fit, she’s all I hear about.”

“Because I fucking date her, Zoe.” Rob said.

“But why do you?” Zoe shouted back. “All you ever do is complain about her with me. Jane did this. Jane did that. And you spend more time with me than her anyways. Are you even open with her?”

Rob opened his mouth to speak, but the words caught in his mouth. As much as it pained him to admit it, she was right.

She continued: “Just face the facts, dude. I’m not the fuck buddy. She is.”

Behind Zoe, Rob could see a few wandering eyes locking onto them. Both of them were growing louder by the second, but Rob was too heated to let it worry him now.

“You knew what we were getting into,” Rob said. “I dated Jane first.”

“So she knows everything, right?” Zoe said. “All the fucking thoughts and insecurities you dump onto me? Because the way she bolted after I mentioned how close we were seriously seemed like she doesn’t.”

“We’re friends, Zoe,” Rob said. His voice turned cold, and his heart began to follow suit. “We just fuck. That’s it.”

“You’re delusional if you think that’s all this is,” Zoe said. For the first time, he could see her eyes fill with emotion. “And you can blame me all you want for why your relationship with Jane is shit. But you only have yourself to blame.”

Zoe stood up quickly, turning on her heel and facing Rob again. “You really think that sex is all this is? I know you, Rob.” She straightened her body up, putting on a voice: “This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so fucking pathetic. Did you really think someone wanted you? Remember that? Because I’m starting to think she was right about you.”

Those were the words Hayden had shouted at him all those years ago. The same words that tore him to pieces; leaving him as broken as he felt in this one moment. Rob had trusted Zoe with that story—with his own insecurity. And she had just thrown it right back into his face.

In the same way he father had, so many years ago.

He was left speechless as she walked away, and did not move for a little while longer. After a few minutes had passed, he moved to the restrooms nearby, locked the door behind him, and shouted so loud, half of Kiev turned their heads.

—

Rob spent several hours marching back to the venue and tour bus in relative silence. In the time since his encounter with Zoe, he had missed a few phone calls from various members of the band, as well as text messages. In fact, the most had been from Zoe—who had left him seven voicemails and had tried to call another nine times. She had left a single text message:

4:02, Zoe: I am so sorry. Please pick up.
Rob was in no mood to return her calls. In fact, he felt very little at all, in the moment.

He knocked loudly on the door of the Vicarious tour bus as soon as his journey had ended. The rain had long since drenched his clothes, and he dripped on the concrete as he waited for the door to open.

Finally, it did—just enough for Trent to slip his head out. “Now’s not a good time, man.”

Behind Trent, Rob could hear the back door slamming shut. Most likely Zoe, who seemed uninterested in having a face-to-face conversation. Fortunately for her, Rob had other plans. He pushed easily past Trent, entering the bus.

“Where’s Andy?” He asked, searching the first bunk he came across.

“Andy?” Trent asked. His eyes looked tired and worn out, and he seemed much more serious than Rob had ever seen him. “I don’t—look, we’re trying to deal with something and I think it’s best if you just left.”

“I need to talk to Andy,” Rob said, completely ignoring what Trent said, facing him fully now. “I don’t give a shit what’s happening. Point me to him and I’ll leave.”

“Where do you think he’s at?” Trent spat out. “Christ, the both of you have done nothing but fuck everything up.”

It was all but confirmed for Rob that Trent had spoken to Zoe and sided with her. Zoe, Rob figured, was in the back, most likely remorseful and regretting how much of a colossal fuck up she had just made with Rob. The text and calls were evidence for that. Trent and Zoe were good friends, and Rob couldn’t blame Trent for being mad at him. For after all, Rob was half the reason Zoe was mad with herself at the moment.

But when it really came down to it, Rob couldn’t bring himself to care.

Luckily, before matters got any worse, the door opened, and Andy stepped in to see Trent and Rob inches from each other. He immediately froze.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

Rob wasted no time: “I need to find Jane.”

“What? Dude, I wasn’t with—“ Andy started, but Rob knew better.

“We just talked this morning about how we were going to cut the bullshit,” Rob interrupted. “So please don’t lie to my face and tell me you weren’t with Jane.”

Andy paused briefly. “She asked me not to tell anyone where she is. She’s in a hotel. That’s all I can say.”

Rob took a step at Andy, causing Trent to immediately slip in between them. Surely Rob didn’t want to fight him. But the anger of being kept in the dark about his own girlfriend had nearly driven him to hit Andy. And that was something he honestly did not want to do.

Silently, he nodded, and slipped out of the tour bus. He heard a good deal of commotion as he crossed the street and entered his own tour bus.

“Christ, Rob,” Austin said as he got up from the couch. A few of the others were also standing around—all of them seemingly waiting on his arrival. “Where have you been?”

“Went for a walk,” Rob said shortly. He figured that as drenched as he was, and most likely how bloodshot and baggy his eyes probably looked at the moment, he certainly appeared to be a cause for concern. “Hear from Jane?”

“Just said that she was fine,” Austin said. “I have no idea where she’s at.”

Sam stepped forward. “Dad won’t tell me where he booked her. We were hoping you knew.”

Rob shook his head, and slipped back into the back of the bus. “I don’t.” He pulled off his shirt and began looking for another one. “I’m going out.”

“Where?” Aaron asked. He had been watching silently for a while now. A friend that had helped him through his first rough path with Jane, he seemed rather concerned about the second.

“Just another walk,” Rob lied. “I won’t be back for a while.”

The rest of the band could only watch and Rob slipped out the door and back into the chilly air.

He had almost left the parking lot, when he heard the loud footfalls of someone approaching from behind. He pivoted in place, blinking the rain out of his eyes, and making out Zoe’s figure as she approached him.

She seemed so much more different than last they had spoken this day. From the mornings calm conversation, to their explosive argument in the park, to now, both seemed as worn and as dead as the other. Funny, how it had all gone so downhill so fast.

“I’m sorry,” she had shouted as she approached, stopping in her tracks a few feet away. She seemed almost scared by him, or rather the way he looked to her. “I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I’m just—I’m sorry, alright?”

Rob said nothing, so Zoe continued: “That was mean, and cruel, and a fucked up thing to say, alright? I don’t know why I brought it up. I just…I wish I hadn’t said anything.”

It was almost strange how similar Zoe and Rob had been this tour. They acted very similar to each other, and both of them seemed as happy as the other had been. And yet now, both seemed very much on the edge of their rope.

“Would you say something?!” She finally shouted, but on deaf ears. Rob turned, and marched slowly off—ignoring her pleas and screams as he did so, until they had been so faint, they might have been drops of rain.

—

Evening found Rob in a local bar—the only one that seemed to attract the tourists and english-speaking population. He had made small talk with the bartender, who seemed a fan of their work, and had gotten her to give him his eighth drink that hour without cutting him off.

It had been a few weeks since he last had a sort of breakdown of sorts. He could distinctly remember the flashes of lights and raging headaches that had come with a cocaine-fueled night out with Mia and Sam. Something that seemed like such a long time ago, but somehow also felt very close. Luckily, Rob had neither the connections nor desire to solicit anything worse than the beer he was drinking. The uncomfortable truth of the matter was, Rob had a tendency to binge whenever he felt as bad as he did in the moment.

The pulsing music behind Rob felt like they were vibrating the inside of his brain, and he turned in his stool to see who was playing. His body felt ill from the sudden spin, and Rob lost his ability to hold himself up on the small wooden seat. He tumbled slowly to the ground, crashing against two other patrons as he fell.

The lights faded in and out of view, and Rob could just barely make out the silhouette of the bartender woman, offering a hand out. Rob tried to mutter a few words of apology, but could hardly get out more than a slurred “sorry.”

He was led quietly to the back, where he could see the bartender making a few phone calls. He was no longer sure of how much time had passed, but eventually, Aaron came into the room, and led Rob down more fuzzy hallways and into a taxi. Once they arrived at the bus, Aaron stopped him before letting him inside.

“You need to get that out of you,” Aaron said.

Rob blinked slowly a few times, trying to focus on what he meant. “How?” He finally managed to ask.

Without warning, Aaron sent a fist straight into and up Rob’s gut.

The sudden shocking blow broke Rob’s typically strong stomach, and he lurched, sending beer across the muddy concrete, looking the same as when he had last seen it. He vomited twice more, before falling to his knees.

“I haven’t seen you like this in years, dude,” Aaron said. “Seriously. Kiev isn’t the safest city in the world. You can’t just leave like that.”

Rob grabbed at his own face, trying to wipe the remaining spit from his mouth. “You….punched me?”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “If I hadn’t, you might have gotten alcohol poisoning. Anything else in you? Dope? Pills?”

Rob shook his head.

“Alright, look,” he said. “Clearly, whatever shit you have going on, you don’t want to deal with it. So I’m not going to ask. But you need to sort this out. I don’t know what happened, but I can’t imagine Jane’s gonna want to come back to you throwing up all over her.”

Rob blinked twice.

Aaron moved over to him, lifting him up. “Alright, come on.”

The two moved into the bus, where familiar faces seemed to watch him as he moved. He was set into his own bunk by Aaron, who left and returned with a trash bag, and soon after, Rob was left alone.

He groggily turned over to look at his phone. Another few missed calls—this time from most everyone in his band, and surprisingly, one from Andy as well. The thought of Jane, somewhere safe and secure, having Andy protecting her, made him sick. The role he was supposed to fill.

And Zoe. The person he had confided in for half of this tour. For so much of his time. Someone he trusted and had grown to care for. She had turned so quickly; so suddenly. Used the information most sensitive to him and used it against him. He had seen her blow up before, in frustration with Jane, but the full force had come at him this time.

For all the conflict in his and Jane’s relationship, he never once feared her doing something so cruel. Jane could be hotheaded, sure. But she never went for the jugular.

Jane was so many things. Flawed, yes, but amazing as well. She had become so caring these past few weeks. So concerned to the point of self-harm about Rob’s feelings and emotions. Having gone so far out of her way to ensure his happiness. Had clearly defined the terms in her own sexual encounters with Andy. Had never developed other feelings. She was so beautifully loyal, and what was Rob? Conflicted. Distant. Hypocritical. Nothing of real merit. Not at this moment. Not when he couldn’t even walk himself ten feet.

Maybe there was one saving grace.

Rob had told Zoe the story of Hayden, sure. Even Jane knew of it—although not in as much detail. But Rob could remember one night, several years ago. On the roof of his and Jane’s old high school. Soon after her mother had died.

Talking about mothers had always been a stressful thing with Rob and Jane. He had always known Jane had problems with her mother, and tended to avoid the topic. With the recent passing, it was perceptually unavoidable.

So Rob told her something he hadn’t told anyone else. Either before or after that night. He told her the real reason that Hayden had influenced him so very much. Because it was not her doing that caused his problems. It was his fathers.

—

It was several hours after the breakup between Rob and Hayden. It had been a short flamed relationship that had burned twice as bright.

Rob was distraught. He had never been emotional before this moment, but could not stop crying. He sat alone in his living room at three in the morning, lost and alone. Unsure of what to do. Too late to try to console himself with Jane, and too early to go out and find others.

His father had woken up to go to work, and was coming through the living room when he saw his son.

“Christ, what was it this time,” his father said, rolling his eyes. “That girl find some other man to leech off of?”

Rob stared at his father with tear-stricken eyes.

“I told you she was an ungrateful bitch,” his father said. “I knew it when she asked you to take her to prom. She wanted your money, son.”

“I cared about her,” Rob tried to say. “So. Much. I did everything for her—“

“Stop it,” his father said, entering the room. “I didn’t raise you to stay up crying over girls. You’re better than this.”

Rob looked at his father, but couldn’t stop. He was unsure of what had come over him. Perhaps it was the hormones, or the alcohol in his system, but he just couldn’t stop. After a moment, his father swung a hand at his, slapping his across the face.

“STOP,” he roared, but Rob could only look down, unable to see his father eye-to-eye. “What did she tell you, huh? That you’d never find someone? Man up, would you?”

Rob sunk in his seat.

“Christ, you’re such a pussy.” His father finally said, before walking out the door to work. “I’m starting to think she was right about you.”

It was the last honest conversation the two had truly ever had.

—

Rob could remember telling Jane that story. About how it truly felt. About how they had both been let down by their fathers, and how that didn’t define who they were.

Or at least, that’s how he felt then.

Now? Laying here in the bunch, drunk and miserable over his own mistakes?

Maybe Dad was right.

Maybe he was just a pussy.

[megatrash]

Jane awoke to the sound of muffled voices, and the volume of each grew the more lucid she became. Soon, she was able to make out what they were repeating.

“Jane, wake up.”

“J. Come on, J, wake up, please.”

It only took a few moments for realization to set in that Jane had fucked up. The memories of the night before were slim to none after she took the second pill, but after hearing Andy rummage around in the drawer next to the bed and curse, she knew she had probably overindulged.

“She took all three,” Andy sighed as he rubbed a hand over his face. “And a bottle of vodka by the looks of it.”

“Jesus,” Austin whispered. “J, we gotta go.”

Jane only grunted in response, unable to communicate what she was thinking in her mind: “I’m sorry.”

“Harold called me,” Austin began explaining. “I guess room service couldn’t wake you up. They almost called an ambulance.”

Another grunt from Jane.

“I’ll uh, I’ll get her dressed, and then we’ll take her back, okay?” Andy said to Austin, who nodded and left the room. He grabbed her clothes from the floor that hadn’t moved since the last time he was there, and he worked her shirt over her head, then buttoned her jeans once he was able to pull them up. “Austin, we’re good.”

Austin walked back in and immediately scurried around the room to collect her belongings.

“Alright, babe. I’m gonna pick you up. We’re gonna bring you back to the bus.”

She focused on trying to open her eyes, only catching a glimpse of them as they fluttered momentarily. She groaned again at an attempt to convey her reluctance to leave the room.

“I know, Jane,” he whispered as he moved a stand of hair away from face. “But you can’t avoid this forever. You gotta go back.” Andy slid both arms underneath her and picked her up easily, her body hanging loosely in his grip. “We’ll bring you back, then you can sleep it off in the bus. Austin, get the door.”

Austin threw her bag over his shoulder and opened the room’s front door, and they hurried to bring her down to the cab waiting outside. The ride was silent; Jane slept curled up in Andy’s lap, Austin stared out the window, and Andy remained still so that he wouldn’t disturb her.

Once they arrived back to the spot where both busses were parked, Austin opened the door for Andy to carry her inside, eventually laying her down in Rob’s bunk, since it would have been too much of a struggle to get her into the top one.

Andy looked to Rob and scratched his head. “She got really fucked up last night. Let her sleep it off and see how she feels when she wakes up, which probably won’t be good.”

“I’ll let Harold know we might need to cancel tonight,” Austin added before walking to the front of the bus.

Once the two were alone, Andy looked to Rob with a serious glare. “She really doesn’t wanna deal with this. If I were you, I’d let her come to you when she’s ready to talk about it.” He patted Rob’s shoulder and moved past him to exit the bus. “Time to deal with Vicarious’s shit now.”

*****

This time, when Jane awoke, it was abrupt. She immediately grabbed her mouth and launched herself out of the bunk, nearly smacking her head on its ceiling, and darted straight for the bathroom. As soon as she could see the toilet, she dropped to her knees and began to vomit. Regret began to sink in as her stomach worked furiously to empty the contents she had put into it the night before. Once it seemed to stop, she crawled out of the bathroom and leaned against the wall, catching her breath.

God, she was an idiot. Jane wasn’t even able to give herself one night to think and rest. No, she had to get obliterated and cause a scene. She wasn’t even really sure how she got back to the van, but she knew it couldn’t have been herself. Andy? She remembered seeing his face above her vaguely.

“Shit,” she mumbled as she wiped her forehead with her sleeve. If there wasn’t already enough drama to deal with when she returned, she had just increased it.

“J!” Austin called as he entered the bus and ran back to her. “Are you okay? Here, let me help you – “

“I’m good,” Jane whispered. “I’m dizzy. I just want to sit for a second.”

Austin pulled out his phone and shot a text to Andy. “Well,” he started as he crouched down in front of her, “we cancelled the show tonight. Didn’t think you’d be up to perform. Harold’s pissed.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Jane winced as her head throbbed. “I don’t even remember what I did last night. After Andy left, it’s all a blur.”

“Trust me. I was prepared for this shit when I joined a band with you. Sam and Rob, though? I don’t know how thrilled they are. I don’t know where they are.”

Before Jane could inquire, Andy popped his head through the door. “Ah, sleeping beauty.”

Austin stood up. “I’ll let you handle it from here, dude. Got a Tinder date downtown.”

Andy laughed as he took his spot across from Jane. “Good luck.” He then turned his focus to the small girl in front of him, looking more fragile than ever. He hadn’t known Jane that long, but she definitely looked much different from when he first met her. Her tan skin was now a creamy color, making her freckles and scars much more pronounced. Bags under her eyes signaled her perpetual exhaustion. Her arms and legs, once wrapped with a small layer of muscle, now were starting to resemble twigs. He frowned. “How’re you holding up?”

Jane scoffed. “I’ve been better.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose with force before working up the courage to look up at Andy. “Did you bring me back?”

“Yeah. Me and Austin.” His hand gently rubbed her knee. “Now I know to only give you one serving size from now on.”

Jane sighed. “I guess I need that, huh? After you left, I don’t really know what –“ The urge to puke rose again, and she crawled back into the bathroom quickly before she began to vomit once again.

She wiped her mouth and plopped back into the same position she was previously in. “I’m sure you’ve never found me sexier, huh?” Jane was embarrassed – the one person she had a relationship with that was purely fueled by sexual desire now was seeing her puke.

“Eh, don’t sweat it,” Andy laughed as he rested his head on the wall behind him. “We’ve all been there. Just make sure you brush your teeth before trying to seduce me.”

“Trying, huh?” she smirked. “How was, uh, how was Rob?”

“Didn’t say much. I told him to let you come to him. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel when you got up.”

“Thanks,” Jane sighed. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I kinda blew my cover.”

“You deserve better,” Andy said frankly.

“What…” Jane’s eyes widened as she looked up to him. “Why are you saying that?”

“Look at yourself, Jane. You’re gonna wind up killing yourself one of these days. Ever since you’ve been with him, you’ve been a fucking wreck. I’ve watched this beautiful, charismatic, crazy girl turn into a ghost of herself, and it’s all because of this bullshit.”

Jane’s eyes began to blur, and her voice began to quiver. “B-But – “

“Save it, Jane. In case you forgot, I’ve listened to it all already. ’But I love him. He’s my best friend.’ Then why is it this so fucking hard Jane? You know how many people would kill to have a girl like you?”

Jane rolled her eyes. “You?” She completely felt awful for what she had said almost immediately after the word left her mouth, but instead of apologizing, her pride urged her to stay silent.

“Don’t turn this around, Jane. You have all these people that care about you, but you don’t give a fuck about any of us, only Rob. And obviously, it’s working out wonderfully for you.” Andy held his hand out as if to display Jane’s current state to an imaginary crowd.

“Fuck you,” she mumbled as she wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. “Get out.”

“Ha.” Andy stood up from his seat on the floor and looked down to Jane, who seemed to be refusing to meet his stare. “Hit me up when you realize I’m right.” And with that, Andy stormed out of the bus into the cold weather.

As soon as she was alone, Jane began to sob as she curled up into the ball on the floor. Andy’s words, true or not, completely wrecked her. One by one, Jane was losing all of the people she held any sort of attachment to, and for the first time in her life, it was beginning to scare her. Maybe at home, things like this wouldn’t bother her too much, but here, so far away from anything she knew, the loneliness was starting to get to her.

Another few rounds of vomiting, Jane had mustered up the energy to pick herself up off the floor and crawl into Rob’s bunk once again, this time smoking the only left over joint that Andy had rolled for her the night before.

Jane had no idea where to go from here. Rob must have put two and two together that Jane was displeased with what Zoe had to say, and now she just felt embarrassed and ashamed of how she handled it. But, much more than that, she didn’t want to deal with the mess they had created between the four of them.

After locating her phone, she held the cracked screen above her head and squinted as she focused on the words she was typing to Rob.

Jane, 3:52 PM: I’m alive. Sort of. Didn’t mean to cause a scene.

Sent. Jane paused before she began to construct her next text.

Jane, 3:54 PM: I need to know if you have feelings for Zoe. You don’t have to answer me now, but you have to eventually.

Was it immature to send him that over text? Probably. But Jane never claimed to be mature, plus, she would do anything at this point to not see Rob. Her physical status was already mortifying enough, but she would probably just cry if she saw him.

After finishing her joint, she curled up into a ball in his bunk and forcefully held the pillow over her head to try to stop the throbbing pain. One thing that was more embarrassing than the situation itself was that all she wanted was for Rob to be there with her, holding her. But no, she wasn’t going to let that happen. Not yet. Zoe made her feel like an idiot for thinking that Rob could see someone without growing an attachment to them. For saying that Rob talked to her about everything and left her in the dark.

Jane knew she was no better. She was so scared to fuck things up or to scare him off that she tip toed around his emotions, which wasn’t fair to either of them. How were they supposed to fix all of this? Could they?

[HangYourSecrets]

Morning came and went in waves .

Hangovers of this magnitude seemed to keep Rob in a perpetual state of nausea. One of the unrecognized problems with having as strong a stomach as Rob did, was that all the alcohol most people would vomit out would stay in him—and have the added benefit of making him feel like shit.

But the vague sent of vomit still lingered in the air. It wasn’t him, was it? What happened again?

Translucent images of Aaron and a bar faded into his mind. A drive home. A familiar moan of a car horn as it faded into the night. Sights, sounds, and images all in one, yet with no relation to any of the others. None of the pieces formed the whole.

At some point, Rob felt another body lowered by his. The strong sent of more vomit and a strange concoction of other aromas floated about. He could barely manage to open his eyes and see…Andy? Or maybe Aaron?

The figure said something about….dealing with something? Dealing with Vicarious?

None of it registered. None of it stuck. The waves continued to come and go, and a terrible buzzing filled Rob’s head for several hours after.

Finally, Rob crawled out of his bed, trying not to mess with the other person in the bunk. Wait, that was…Jane, right? I thought she was in a hotel. Why is she here?

Rob blinked a few times and moved himself forward, into the restroom.

The figure that looked back at him in the mirror was grotesque. Matted hair stuck to the side of his face, coated in booze and other ungodly substances, most likely. His beard had been unattended to for days, and he could smell food coming off of it. At this rate, he was unsure of whether or not it had been hours or days, but his last memory of Zoe in the rain was too raw to try and dwell on. Perhaps he hoped it had been so long ago.

Rob ran a few fingers in his long hair, and pulled it into a point on the back of his head. It had gotten so long on this tour. Long enough to tie back. Rob groped around; eventually finding one of Jane’s hair ties and tying the long strands out of his face. He slipped a guard on his beard trimmer, and trimmed it back down to a respectable length. He then slipped a beanie over the bun atop his head, hating the look of hair tied back but far too drunk to actually shower without injuring himself.

He slipped on some clothes, and walked out to the front of the bus. Out here, much of the band—including Sam, Aaron, and Lyla, sat around, seemingly waiting for him.

Rob moved without speaking to the refrigerator, pulling out the drink that seemed to have the most caffeine in it. He walked to the couch, and sat with the others.

“We were going to go out, if you wanted to come, Rob,” Sam offered almost bashfully. “There’s a nice park north of town. And it’s kind of a really nice day.”

Rob looked out the nearest window—seeing the rays of the sun shining through the curtains, down unto them. It seemed Sam was right.

“Sure,” Rob said, his voice hoarse. “That sounds great.”

He moved to get up, but struggled—Lyla and Aaron both had to help lift an arm to get him standing—but once he was, he went quietly with the others (minus Austin, who seemed to be missing) and got off the bus.

—

The park north of Kiev was nicer than the one Rob had spent much of his time in only yesterday. The city seemed to be more alive with foliage and greenery than many of the other cities on the recent tour. Where Moscow had stark grey hues, and a few of the other eastern cities before that, a concrete jungle, Kiev seemed too be less developed—and for the better.

There wasn’t a whole lot of talking, either. Rob walked as an observer with his friends and busmates, listening to what had been going on in their own lives as his had taken such a drastic turn. And perhaps they weren’t all happy (Sam seemed to have his own stress correlating to Harold as well), they all seemed managed—happy, and glad to be across the ocean, doing something they loved and being paid to do it.

It was a cathartic outing that Rob had really needed. And as the hangover he was experienced was slowly faded with time, he felt more and more prepared to handle the consequences of the past few days. He made a few arrangements, left the group as soon as he proved he was sober enough, and trekked out of the park and into a nearby coffeeshop.

Zoe was waiting for him here.

Her eyes seemed as dreary and baggy as ever—her typical makeup couldn’t hide the grayness that had filled her in the evening past. Rob, having tried to hide his own physical flaws, knew he most likely looked just as horrid. Which was alright. Maybe it was best if they saw each other in the real light of day.

“Hey,” Zoe said weakly as Rob sat across from her. She seemed ready to talk, but not quite as motivated to begin as yesterday. Perhaps she had come from a long argument with Andy as well. Vicarious was difficult to read at times as a whole, and this recent explosion had done nothing to quell that thought.

“I’m sorry for walking away like I did,” Rob admitted. “That was rude of me. I guess I just needed time to process what had happened.”

“It hurt,” she likewise confessed, “…but I don’t blame you.”

“But we’re too intertwined to simply fade from each other’s lives,” Rob said. “I’m going to see you every day. I’m going to see Vicarious every day. If we don’t discuss things, we could do something we both regret.”

“Yeah,” Zoe said. Her tempered nature and quick fuse were replaced by stoic empathy.

“I’m sorry I involved you in this,” Rob said. “I shouldn’t have engaged if I had known what would have become of it. Even without knowing, I should have figured it wasn’t going to be good.”

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” Zoe said, eyes locked onto the table. “I hope that goes without saying.”

“It does. But I’m glad you said it.”

Zoe looked up to Rob. “We’re not going to be seeing each other anymore, are we?”

Rob shook his head.

Zoe chuckled softly. “I guess I had figured this was going to go the same way my relationship with Andy went.”

“How so?”

“He never had the decency to break things off admirably,” she said. “Not like this.”

She stood from the table, taking her coffee with her: “I hope you figure it out with Jane. Honestly. I really do. I figured that when it had finally come down to a choice, she would be the one at the receiving end of this conversation. Maybe I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did.”

Zoe smiled, then turned away, exiting the coffeeshop. Maybe it wasn’t the prettiest of terms, but it was a good start, and Rob was glad Zoe had been receptive enough.

Next, he lifted his phone from his pocket, and dialed a number.

The other end picked up after three rings: ”Hello?”

“Hey, Dad,” Rob said into the speaker. A long silence followed.

“Hey, son,” his dad finally answered. “Anything wrong?”

“No,” Rob said. “Well—not really. Nothing terrible. I’m…I’m in Ukraine right now, sitting in a coffeeshop, and I guess I figured I should call.”

“Did you want me to pass the phone to your mom? She’s right here—“

“No no,” Rob said. “But send her my love for me, alright?”

“…alright.”

“How are things stateside?”

“Fine enough,” his dad answered. “We’ve been working on a huge middle-management shift for our brokers and—well, it’s a whole lot of corporate talk.”

Rob laughed. “That’s fine, Dad. It’s how things are.”

Silence. Then: “I uh, I keep hearing about you from my friends at work. One of the guys told he his daughter bought a turntable just to play the thing on vinyl. You know they still sell those?”

“Yeah,” Rob chuckled. “Crazy how that came back. I ended up buying a few of them this tour.”

“Well,” his father said, “I don’t have the biggest collection, but I’m sure I’ve got a box in the basement with some. You’re free to have it whenever you get back.”

“Thanks, dad.”

More silence.

“I uh,” his father started, then re-started: “It’s cool that you’re doing this, Rob. I never would’ve thought all that racket in my house would’ve resulted in all of this.”

“Me either,” Rob admitted. “For a while there, I never thought I’d leave California. Now I’m in countries I had to look up to figure out where I am in the world.”

“I know we’re not one for talking,” his father said. “But I’m glad your happy, at least.”

Rob thought for a moment. “Thank you. …I’ve got to run and get some other things done. It’s still morning here.”

“Yeah, yeah,” his father said. “I forgot. Got to go live the rockstar life.”

“It certainly feels like it sometimes. And…thanks, Dad.”

“For what?”

“Whatever you want.”

—

Rob spent the next several hours milling about the city. The silent solitude was perfect for Rob, but not in the usual way. He thought of very little as he admired the different architecture of Ukraine, the people, and the shops around them. A way of life for so many people. Maybe there was a kid around here, playing guitar or pounding the drums. A kid who had only known Kiev his whole life. Someone who wanted to succeed. Someone like him.

After a while, texts filtered in from Jane.

“You don’t have to answer me now, but you have to eventually.”

She was right. But so much had changed in 24 hours. What had she done in the time between them? Was was she thinking? What would they think of each other?

What would come of all of this?

—

Rob walked up to the busses as the sun was beginning to set. He slipped past In Bloom, past Vicarious, and approached the venue that would sit empty for the night. Maybe Vicarious hadn’t cancelled their own setlist. Who knew? It may be a long time before Rob would be admitted back into their lives again.

Rob entered the building, which remained silent for now, and searched around for the staircase. He climbed to the top, found a comfortable enough stop, and sat down.

He pulled out his phone, and sent a text to Austin:

7:45 P.M., Rob: I’m on top of the venue if anyone needed me.

7:50 P.M., Austin: Thanks for checking in.

Rob closed his phone and set it away from his to avoid seeing any more messages. He probably should’ve answered Jane. Or gone into the busses. He should have done so many things.

But for now, there was the roof up here, the cool air of Kiev, and the silence. The silence Rob loved and idolized. The same one he regularly chose over the others. He was certainly guilty of that.

Rob’s eyes closed as he rested his mind, and body.

Funny, how so much could change in just a single day.

[megatrash]

Jane awoke again from a nap she didn’t mean to take, and she rubbed her eyes violently to try to focus on her surroundings. The van was silent minus the ringing in her ears, and almost immediately she was hit with overwhelming loneliness. Was Rob off with Zoe again? Where were the others? Her hand searched for her phone, and when it was located, she immediately checked for a text from Rob. Nothing.

“Fuck him,” she whispered mindlessly as she went to Andy’s name instead.

Jane, 7:23 PM: I shouldn’t have said all that shit.

She not only knew that wasn’t enough to say to him, but that she’d have to put aside her distaste for begging for forgiveness in order to try and regain the friendship she had possibly lost.

Jane, 7:24 PM: You’ve been there for me more than anyone else on tour. Even Rob. And I really like hanging out with you.

For lack of better words, Jane felt like a pussy, although what she was sending to him was sincere. But, it was already lonely enough in Europe, and with her and Rob’s relationship being so messy, it’d be heartbreaking to lose the connection she had formed with Andy.

”Wait… heartbreaking?”

Jane, 7:26 PM: So, please forgive me. Annnnd I’m pretty sure I know how to make it up to you…

After a few minutes, her phone vibrated on her chest.

Andy, 7:30 PM: God, you’re lucky I think your sexy as hell.

Jane, 7:31 PM: Well, I wasn’t going to say it. : ) Can we meet up later?

Andy, 7:33 PM: After our set.

Jane breathed a sigh of relief as she shut her eyes tightly; at least one mess was now fixed. Rob? That was something she’d deal with later. In a way, she was reverting back to her old ways – procrastinating and avoiding confrontation until it either dissipates on its own – but Jane knew that if she got in front of Rob with all of her emotions raging inside of her, she’d fall apart and say something she probably didn’t mean. No, she would have to calm herself down before she could deal with him.

And that was what Andy was for. That was why they agreed to this set up in the first place, basically: using other people as scapegoats so that the relationship wasn’t so intense.

But now, knowing that Rob probably had feelings that went beyond the physical realm for Zoe, Jane wanted Andy more than ever. She was angry, jealous, hurt.

Jane forced herself out of the bunk, gripping her head as it began to throb relentlessly, and after slowly brushing her teeth and sliding on her pair of jeans and a black hoodie way too large for her, she texted Andy and told him to come to the bus, since there was no sign of any others.

An hour or two passed, and after another nap, her fingers worked on a joint as a knock sounded, and she yelled for him to enter as her eyes tried to focus on the small white paper in front of her. Andy appeared, plopping down next to her, and she put down the paraphernalia to turn to him. “I’m sorry, Andy. Really. I shouldn’t have – “

Andy interrupted her by putting his finger to her lips. “It’s fine. Your relationship is none of my business. I just hate seeing you sad all the time.”

Jane nodded and sighed. “Yeah. Me too.” She leaned in, but instead of kissing him, her face landed in his neck, and her small arms wrapped around his torso and squeezed. “I appreciate the concern.”

He kissed the top of her head and began to rub her back gently. “You feelin’ okay?”

“Still hung over,” her tired voice mumbled. “Might be tomorrow, too. How was your set?”

“Well, a few people left after they announced In Bloom wasn’t playing. But the rest seemed to dig it.” Andy looked down to her. “Is your manager pissed?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I haven’t had the balls to call him back yet.” Jane met his eyes and smirked. “Enough talking though, yeah?”

They had moved back to the bunks, deciding on Jane’s up top rather than using someone else’s that’d be more convenient. They spoke a bit more between breaths, but something Andy said made Jane stop in her tracks.

“Wait. Say that again?” Jane tilted Andy’s head up to look at her.

“I guess Rob ended things with Zoe. She didn’t say much, but I could tell she was upset.”

Jane squeezed her eyes shut and scratched at her head. “Oh.” It was all she could get out, most likely because she had no idea how she felt about what he had just told her. She nodded as a signal to continue, and even though everything physically felt great, Jane’s mind was somewhere else now.

”Things seemed great between them. Or at least, that’s how Zoe made it seem. Why would he end things? Was it because of Jane’s tantrum?”

Guilt began to settle in. Jane disappeared to avoid Rob feeling bad about his decisions. Well, that, and she got her feelings hurt. But, if that caused him to end things with her, then was more going on than Jane knew?

*****

Jane rustled in her bunk to feel a body next to her. Rob? No… not Rob. Andy?

“Shit,” Jane mumbled as she began to tap his chest. “Andy. Andy, wake up. We passed out.”

She grabbed her phone to check the time. 6:36 am. Even though everyone knew what Jane did with Andy, she didn’t like to broadcast it, especially by letting him spend the night in their bus. “Wake up,” she whispered as she shook his bare shoulder.

Andy’s eyes popped open. “What time is it?”

“Almost 6:40,” Jane replied quietly. “I guess we passed out.”

“Shit. I told Zoe I’d hang out with her last night since she was upset. She’s gonna hate me.”

“Well, I doubt she’s awake now. Wanna get breakfast?”

Andy nodded as he yawned. “Sure.”

*****

Andy and Jane had come to the conclusion that they drove throughout tonight, because they didn’t recognize any of their surroundings. After some searching, they realized they were in Bucharest, Romania. They walked some of the city, and they were both in awe of the architecture that surrounded them.

Once a bench was in view, Jane handed Andy her phone and asked him to take a picture of her. “Why?” he asked as he chuckled.

“I gotta apologize for cancelling the set last night.” Jane sat on the bench and waited for Andy to take the photo of her, and once he was done, she immediately uploaded it to Instagram with the caption “Sorry for missing the show last night, babes. Will definitely be performing in Bucharest tonight!”

Soon, she and Andy found a small café to that was open early enough to serve them breakfast. The conversation had been light for the most part, but as Jane was finishing her eggs, Andy spoke up. “What’re you gonna do, Jane?”

Jane looked up from her plate and set her fork down. “Not sure. I gotta talk to him, see where he’s at.” She took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “Then, depends on what he says, I guess. I can’t imagine he’s happy with the way things have been between us either.”

“Well, I just wanna say that even though I said how I feel about it, you can still talk to me.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

*****

When Jane returned to the bus, she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. No one was awake yet, but the energy buzzing inside her from all of her thoughts wasn’t allowing her to sit still, and she eventually opted to wake Rob up.

Jane knelt down next to his bunk and grabbed his arm. “Rob,” she whispered, “Hey, Rob. I’m sorry to wake you. But I can’t put this off anymore.” She crawled into the bunk with him gently and faced him. “Uh, well, Andy told me you ended things with Zoe. I’m sorry if any of it’s my fault.” She brushed his hair out of his face and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s going on between us anymore. Shit has been so… weird. And confusing. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It’s like whatever we try to do to make it better just makes it so much worse.” She laid on her back and looked up to the ceiling of the bunk. “I’m sorry I always run away from this shit.”

Jane’s hand went up to her head to rub her temples as she laid there in silence for a moment. It was sad that things had turned out so weird between them, especially because it was obvious they had both tried so hard to avoid it.

Her hands dropped back to her sides with a frustrated groan before looking back to him with morose expression. She hadn't even heard his side yet, but she feared the worst. How couldn't she? Everything seemed to have turned to shit, and no matter how in love she was with the man in front of her, she couldn't deny it.

[HangYourSecrets]

”Rob? Dude, Rob, get up.”

Rob’s eyes opened to see…nothing much, really. Just filthy concrete and a pair of Converse in front of him.

He pulled himself off the ground and blinked a few times. Once his eyes focused, he could make out Lyla, standing above him, arms crossed in the cool weather. He had passed out, face first on the rooftop.

“It’s 11:20, dude. You might want to get back in the bus before Grant ditches you in Ukraine.”

Rob nodded silently, and took the hand she offered out to him, helping him up.

“How’s everyone been?” He managed to ask. Lyla was a new addition to the band’s typical traveling companions, so Rob felt less stressed asking her about the goings-on.

“Fine enough, if you’re referring to everyone other than you and Jane,” Lyla said honestly. “Austin gets around via Tinder dates. Sam is…Sam. It’s hard to get a read on him sometimes. Aaron is cool ever since I firmly explained my boyfriend was back in the states, and I talk to Grant about as much as you probably do.”

Rob nodded. Funny, having to ask about what else was going on in the band. His mental focus had been so much on Jane, Zoe, and Andy, the experiences and lives of everyone else had taken a backseat recently.

“And yourself?” he asked.

“Well…it’s quiet for me. And I choose things that way. I mean, yeah, it’s a bit lonely, but this is pretty much what I chose for myself. And I’m getting to see the world while I do it. How many people can say they did what we have done?”

Lyla was right about that much. It was nice to talk to someone without any….well, any other motives. Just conversation.

Rob and Lyla made their way back to the bus, which began it’s journey soon afterwards. Rob took a moment to sit down on the couch, trying hard to clear his head of the stresses. Jane was surely asleep at this point, and he had no intention of bothering her. He had no real way of knowing how she had reaction to all that had happened. If she had wanted to speak with him again or not. By the text he had received that day (and failed to respond to), she had most likely been less inclined to do so.

“Rob?” Lyla said, interrupting his thoughts. While he had thought to himself, she had gotten ready for bed, and slipped back out into the main room with quite the concerned look on her face.

“I’m not trying to interfere with anything…” she started, “but please don’t freak out.”

…what?

Rob stood up, looking past her, seeing the closed curtains.

“What are you talking about?” he said, his volume almost too loud.

Lyla raised her hands and made a “please keep it down” motion. “Maybe midnight on a bus is a bad time to cause a scene, alright?”

Rob walked forward, slipping past Lyla, and opening the curtain. His eyes first moved to his bunk.

It was empty.

His eyes scanned upwards to Jane’s, which was closed off with the curtain—save for one, four inch space. And in that space, Rob could make out the frail form of Jane, buried deep in the arms of Andy.

He felt Lyla’s hand come upon his shoulder.

“Not here,” she whispered. Rob felt her gently pull him back towards the front of the bus, and he hesitantly followed suit. He was unsure how to describe exactly how he felt.

“Look, I know it isn’t optimal, but—“ she started.

“I’m not sleeping under that,” he said. The familiar pit of anger within him grew. An anger he hadn’t felt this strongly since he figured Lena had leaked Jane’s nudes.

“We’ll switch bunks tonight,” she argued, pointing to hers—the farthest away from the back. “But, you’re going to need to keep your mouth shut until he leaves.”

Rob remained silent for several seconds, before nodding slightly.

“I don’t know how you feel,” Lyla started. “But, in my defense, no one ever does. So please just…don’t….do anything you’d regret. Alright?”

Rob couldn’t speak for fear of shouting. Lyla took his silence, as a yes.

Soon after, Rob scavenged the cupboard on the bus, digging into the back until he found it—Sam’s stash of his prescription Ambien.

He took three times the recommended dose, climbed into Lyla’s bunk, and was out before he could even begin to comprehend how he had felt that night.

All he wanted was a thoughtless night. Fuck trying to figure this out.

—

Sometime around eight that morning, Rob felt a hand slap across his face. His eyes darted open, and he blinked until he could make out Lyla’s form. Behind her, Austin and Sam stood with worried faces.

“Fuck,” Lyla muttered. “We thought we needed to call an ambulance.”

“Hmm?” Was all he could manage to say.

“They’re gone. You can go back to your bunk, now.”

Rob’s mind was completely lost in a haze created by the sedative he had taken. He wordlessly crawled out of the bed and moved over to his own, not saying another word. He was out again in moments.

—

He was awoken again later that morning, although this time by a different form—Jane.

How did he feel about Jane again?

The drug had fully claimed his mind, and the constant awakenings kept it from wearing thin.

He opened his eyes as best he could and tried to listen.

”Andy told me you ended things with Zoe.”

His mind flashed to the moments of the past few days. Zoe’s accusatory language, his binge drinking, and the phone call with his father. Moments of pleasure and pain so tightly wound together. Each day was now even more so a rollercoaster of highs and lows. The tour had fully taken it’s toll on Rob, and here he was, unsure of how or what to say the woman he probably loved.

Even that he wasn’t sure of. The sedative had made it all seem like a long, slow dream.

“I’m not…here, right now,” Rob muttered, pointing to his head. “I took Sam’s Ambien after I found you and Andy…”

Fuck. Bad start.

It was almost embarrassing for Jane to see Rob this out of it. Almost all of the time, Rob was constantly sober. He was the one caring for Jane most of the time, not Andy, and not the other way around. The fact that he found himself in this situation only reminded him of how numb he wanted to feel. How little he wanted to have this conversation right now. He just wanted more time to sleep this feeling off. More time to think.

More time. More time. Always with him—more time.

“Sorry,” he slurred. “That came out…wrong. I just…fuck…it’s been a long few days.”

Understatement of the fucking year, there.

“I’m just tired, J,” he managed to get out. His words began to form in front of him—an honesty not usually transparent surfaced within him: “I’m tired of…myself. I’m tired of this tour and I’m tired of wanting to leave when this is supposed to be the high point of my life.”

Rob thought for a moment, then: “I guess I thought telling Zoe about all of this shit would spare you from having to deal with me. Turned out, I relied on that far too much, and definitely ended up getting what I deserved.”

He tried to rub the sleep from his eyes, feeling them water and nearly pour out of his eyes like tears. Maybe they were tears. Rob wasn’t even sure at this point. “Clearly, I’m stressed out,” he tried to joke. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten myself this fucked up.”

Strange, how he needed to get this out of his own head in order to simply be honest with Jane.

[megatrash]

Jane winced as Rob confirmed her fears of him seeing Andy in her bunk the night before. Embarrassment wasn’t something she was too familiar with, but she recognized the feeling as it sunk into her chest, making the tension seem to thicken as the seconds passed. It had obviously bothered him to the point of doing something to numb his emotions – something she was familiar with. But, he had to know she wouldn’t be that blatant on purpose…right?

As he continued to speak, Jane’s nervousness evolved to a much more morose energy. They were completely wearing each other out, and she had no inkling as to what the solution would be. Every time they tried to do right by one another, it seemed to set them back further. If one was happy, the other was miserable. The both resorted to their vices to deal with their emotions instead of trying to work through it together.

Everything was fucked. And in a way, it always had been.

But now, the trouble would be figuring out where to go from here. Were the past few months just proof that no matter how much they wanted to make things work, it was futile?

“Well, uh, I’m sorry about the whole Andy thing. It was an accident. We smoked and then…” Jane stopped, realizing that Rob probably didn’t want to hear the details of her night with another guy. “But, yeah. I’m sorry.”

Jane scratched her head before looking over to Rob, unable to force a smile. “I don’t know what to say, Rob.” Her voice wavered, making her feel weak. “We look like shit. We’re exhausted. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore.” She could feel tears beginning to form, but she took a deep breath to compose herself. “I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what would make things better. Or if there is anything to make it better. Jesus, I sound like I’m in a romance novel.” She couldn’t help but chuckle pathetically at herself, but her words were the truth.

“Sometimes I think about how things would be if we were home instead, you know? Like if all of unfolded but we didn’t have the stress of all the other shit going on.”

Jane laid there in the bunk, her eyes burning a hole in the ceiling only a few feet above her while her mind furiously attempted to find a resolution, but it was pointless. It was impossible for her to think logically when emotions were involved, unlike how she perceived Rob. He probably had five ideas on what to do, while Jane had a cluster of anger, sadness, confusion, and regret swirling inside of her.

Jane used the hem of her sleeved to blot her eyes before turning to look at him once again. The face that she had watched change and mature over seven years. And now, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly remorseful for causing him to look the way he did now. Weary. Distressed. Over it. She reached out her hand and touched cheek lightly, but recoiled almost immediately after doing so.

“The way I see it,” she began in an almost-whisper, “there’s three things we can do. One, we can, uh, we can end things. Two, we can do something different. Or three, we can just keep things as they are, but obviously, we gotta do something.” She pursed her lips in disappointment. “I don’t wanna lose you, or all the memories we have together, but you know we can’t keep doing this to ourselves… and each other.” Her voice began to crack as she finished speaking, and now, trying to hide her tears were useless as they rolled across her face down into the pillow underneath her.

Did Jane want things to end between them? No. Did she have any other ideas? Not really. What if they decided to be friends with benefits instead? No, that was pretty much what they were now, and Jane felt too strongly to choke her love for Rob down either further. They could become exclusive again, but that didn’t really work out the last time. Perhaps they could put a pause on things until they got back home, and then they could figure it out then. When were they even going to be home again? The weeks had begun to blend together a long time ago, and she no longer had any idea how long they had been gone or when they’d go back to Long Beach.

“Just know,” Jane began, wiping her face with her sleeve a last time, “that whatever decision we come to, I’ll still love you, and I’m always here if you need me.”

[HangYourSecrets]

“I can’t…” Rob muttered, clutching his head. “I can’t think straight, J.”

The difficulty of staying lucid in his current state was weighing heavily on Rob. The finer details of his vision faded…ebbing and flowing in waves of detail and haze. His hearing suffered strongly, and each passing moment, he wanted to be a sleep, more and more.

His face was hot and wet with tears. The bags under his eyes grew an ugly dark grey, and the veins near his eyes look more alike a fifty year old than someone half that age.

Flash images of the past flipped by him as he tried desperately to listen to what Jane was saying. Words she said, the feelings she emoted, were all reminding him of the past. The time they were together. The years they had spent in each others company.

He remembered the times he had awoken in her room—their bodies intertwined across the messy clothes that seemed to never find drawers. The way they’d playfully recoil from each other as they awoke. The soft feel of her skin never quite making it’s way away from Rob’s memory.

He remembered the long night drives during their tour in California years ago—their first inkling of success and of fame. The way she’d rest her head on his shoulder as Austin took them and Sam up to the far reaches of Northern California, and all the way back down to Long Beach. To home.

And seeing her tear-stricken face now reminded him of a night spent in silence and sorrow. The nights following the loss of Jane’s mother. The empty, hollow rage Rob felt for being so helpless to protect Jane from the tidal wave of her own grief.

All of these images flashed through his mind with those of the tour. His genuine smile before their first gig. The thought that they were finally in a rock band. Finally working together to make something great from their own individual skills. Being free from the mundane, the normal, and mediocre entirely. The rhapsody of his and Jane’s first few days as a couple. All of it.

Then the bad flowed in as well. The suffering he had caused her. The guilt that ate at him each day for doing so. The remorse for his relationship with Zoe, and all of the pain that had caused him as well. Each and every action he had committed when he realized the extent of them benefited him none. All of them taken for Jane’s sake. To be with Jane. And even the now-recent pain of separating from Zoe was nothing in comparison to loosing Jane. The one he took for granted.

If he had to suffer that moment with Zoe on the park bench over again to fix this shit with Jane, he would do it in a heartbeat. In a moment. If he had to relive his night in the hotel room with Anna again, he would. The one-night stand with Adrianna. The cocaine-fueled night with Mia. Even the relationship with Hayden that had catalyzed his own mental enigmatic attitude…he would do it again.

Because he loved her.

He fucking loved her. How had it even taken him this long to realize? How could he had waited until it all seemed so pointless to finally come to terms with the fact that he loved her?

His vision seemed to be fading fast. The morning—even the start of their conversation was beginning to blur. He had to find a way to tell her. Even if he risked never remembering this moment.

His eyes closed and opened, locking onto hers.

“I love you,” he whispered out. “Why the fuck did I take this long to say it?”

His head slowly rested back down, and he was out cold.

[megatrash]

”I can’t think straight, J.”

Even through a mumbled sentence, Jane could hear the exhaustion in his voice and immediately regretted the timing she had chosen to lay all of this on him. It was selfish, she realized, because at that moment, she hadn’t cared if he was ready to take it all in or not, she just needed to get it off of her chest. She sighed and gazed back up to the ceiling, blinking away the blurriness the tears had created.

”I love you.”

It was a whisper but, did he say what she thought he just said?

”Why the fuck did I take this long to say it?”

Jane’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as she looked above her, almost too in shock to turn over and look at him. She had grown used to the silence from Rob and the uncertainty of his feelings towards her, so much so that his words were a complete surprise.

But, like Jane had wondered many times before, had she pushed him to say something he didn’t truly mean? Yeah, of course he loved her. But she had always assumed that love was similar to the love she had for Austin. A deep friendship that had stood the test of time. But still, he had never verbalized it. But now, Jane was crying in his bunk, choosing words that made things between them sound hopeless, which didn’t seem too far from the truth, but maybe she could have spared him some of the details.

“Rob,” she began in a hoarse, half-whisper, “you don’t have to say – “

He was out cold. Jane stretched out an arm and snapped her finger a few inches from his face.

Nothing.

“Jesus, Rob,” she whispered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. Well, now what? How was she supposed to go on with her day without any clarity on what just happened?

Jane groaned as she forced herself up to dig through her pile of clothes to locate the cracked iPhone. After mumbling something about doing laundry, she plopped down on the couch and worked on a group text to Andy and Austin.

Jane, 10:58 am: Can you guys meet me outside for a cigarette?

Andy, 11:00am: Be right there.

A few minutes passed, but soon, all three stood in the chilly morning air in between the busses, each one hugging themselves to retain body heat.

Austin was the first to speak up. “What’s wrong, J? Looks like you saw a ghost.” He looked to Andy and they both chuckled quietly.

“I, um,” Jane stuttered as smoke poured out of her mouth, “have you guys ever taken Ambien?”

Andy laughed. “I took two once and woke up naked in my living room. No idea how I got there.”

Jane scratched at her head. “Alright.”

“Why?” Austin stepped closer. “What did Rob do?”

Jane shook her head. “Nothing, nothing. He’s just… out of it.”

Andy squinted his eyes at her, but chose to keep quiet for the time being. “What are you guys doing before the show?”

Austin shrugged. “A girl wanted to meet downtown at, like, three. Other than that, nothing.”

Jane shook her head. “No plans. I wanted to hang out with Rob, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake.” As she was subconsciously picking at the skin around her nails, Andy’s hand reached over and grabbed one of hers to stop her. She looked down to see her thumb forming a small bubble of blood, to which she only sighed as they held eye contact. They had grown close enough to where she knew she couldn’t hide things from Andy any longer. Jane nodded at him subtly, and he nodded back. They would talk later.

“Well,” Andy rubbed his hands together. “Why don’t we get a drink somewhere before the show or something?”

“Sounds good, man,” Austin replied as he slapped Andy’s hand, then moved to kiss Jane’s forehead. “I’ll catch you guys later.”

Jane waved, then looked up to Andy. “Go ahead.”

“What happened?” he asked as he put both hands on her shoulders. “What did he do?”

“I mean, I went in there half expecting things to be over, then he… he told me he loved me, then passed out again. I don’t know if all the things I said made him feel the need to say such a thing, but man, I’m fucking confused.” Jane lit another cigarette and puffed feverishly on it, letting out short, fragmented clouds due to her teeth chittering together. “I don’t know why I’m being so dramatic. It’s just, I couldn’t talk to him after that. And I didn’t expect it. And…”

Andy pulled her in and hugged her. “Just breathe, Jane. It wasn’t the worst thing that coulda happened, right?” His fingertips grazed the top of her head softly.

“You’re right,” she mumbled into his chest. “I’m probably gonna wait around until he’s up. I’ll meet you and Austin later, yeah?”

He nodded and squeezed her tightly before letting her free. “Yeah. See you later.”

*****

Four joints, three beers, half of a book, a shower, and a multitude of cigarettes later, Jane opted to lay down for a nap, but instead of climbing into her designated spot, she crawled into Rob’s bunk gently so that she wouldn’t wake him. After taking a few seconds to listen to his breathing, Jane wiggled herself into a comfortable position and let her eyes flutter shut. Hopefully soon, Rob would wake up, and she’d be able to get a better grip on the situation. But, in the back of Jane’s mind was another desire that she feared would overpower the logical one.

”No, Jane. When he wakes up, you talk to him. That’s it.”

Something about what Rob said, even if he didn’t mean it, somehow still triggered Jane’s sensual side. His approached at least seemed honest enough.

An hour or two later, Jane awoke to motion behind her, and almost immediately, she flipped over and began to kiss Rob’s neck and collarbones. “Hey,” she whispered against his skin, “welcome back.”

Jane paused for a moment as her conscious spoke to her: ”Stop it, Jane.”

But, she was past the point of no return. “Rob,” she whispered again, this time looking down at him. “I wanna pick up where we left earlier and talk, but not right now.” Without breaking eye contact, and arm reached over and closed the bunks curtain to the side of them before she leaned in to kiss him.

*****

Jane laid on Rob’s chest in silence, her fingers lightly grazing his chest. She was starting to think bringing anything up at all would only ruin the moment, but she knew it was probably her distaste for confrontation swaying her. She swallowed, then propped herself up on an elbow to look at it. “So,” she cleared her throat, “earlier, when – “

Her phone began to vibrate underneath her, and once she found it, she saw Austin’s name blinking on the screen. “Fuck,” she whispered as before answering the call. “Hey, Aust.”

“Hey, we’re meeting outside in five. A cab should be there already.”

“Uh, yeah. Okay, I’ll be out in a sec.” Jane hung up and sighed in frustration. “I promised them I’d go grab a drink before the set. How ‘bout I text you the address of wherever we meet up, and if you wanna, you can come by when you’re ready?” Without waiting for an answer, Jane kissed his forehead and pushed herself up. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and after looking both ways to see the empty van, her nude form popped out from the bunk, grabbed her clothes from hers, and dashed into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, she reappeared, crouching down next to Rob. “I get it if you don’t want to, but it’d be nice for you to come. It’ll just be Andy, Austin and I.” She faintly smiled and squeezed his hand, then she was off.

*****

Jane’s fingers quickly typed out the address to the bar downtown and sent it to Rob before stuffing the phone inside her purse.

“Zoe and I hooked up again,” Andy admitted as he rubbed his temples.

Austin and Jane both looked at each other with wide eyes, then back to Andy himself. “Are you serious?” Jane asked first.

“Yeah, this morning. One minute we were yelling at each other, and the next…” Andy shook his head. “Probably wasn’t the best idea, but with everything going on, I think she just needed someone.”

Austin laughed. “What did Rob do to her?”

Andy shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “No clue. She won’t talk about it. All I know is she’s upset.”

Jane somehow felt responsible for it all – Rob ending things with Zoe, how much of a wreck he must’ve been to take three Ambien, for Andy and Zoe hooking up again. What was she doing to everyone?

“It’s like a fishbowl! Soon Zoe and Jane are gonna be together,” Austin said as he ruffled her hair, and she punched his arm in return.

“Fuck off,” Jane rolled her eyes. “Andy probably has a better chance with Rob.”

Andy smirked. “Don’t tempt me with a good time. Speaking of, is Rob coming?”

“I asked him to. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him,” Jane mumbled as she took a sip of her drink. She was starting to feel guilty for that – for giving in to her vices instead of using the time wisely – but it was too late for that now. Plus, Rob knew it was a form of expression for her, right? “I hope he does.”

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob was fast asleep, but the sharp grip of the drugs in his body forced his mind to be active once again. He recalled a memory of his coming of age; his trip across the country, taking him to Kalispell, Montana.

—

“What’s your age again?” The woman behind the front desk asked. Her thick accent, on top of the strangeness of the situation, made Rob anxious. She was the first person he had really spoken to in several days. He could feel the bags under his eyes—the desperate need for his body to rest. It felt like so long since he had told his mother he would be leaving for a while, and took his car on a road trip with no stops, no breaks, and no real sleep. Besides a brief stint in Colorado at the gas station and another in a South Dakota parking lot, Rob had not slept.

“I’m nineteen,” he answered truthfully.

The woman rolled her eyes. She produced a key that had seen better days. “You’re in room 106,” she said. “Ice machine is down the outside hall. There’s a vending machine, too, if you need something. All the local shops are closed until morning, though.”

Rob nodded. “Thanks,” he muttered to her. He moved his car from the front to the side of the small building, near his room. In the cold Montana air he moved a single bag of luggage into the small room.

The carpet was green, and the entire room smelt like it hadn’t had a decent wash since the 90s. The comforter was a horrendous, purple-red quilted pattern, and the furniture was all red-tinted wood.

Rob pulled out a couple bottles of beer he had smuggled from his parents house before leaving, and set them on the table. He moved back outside with the ice bucket, and found the hallway the front counter worker was talking about. He shivered in his t-shirt and shorts as he waited for the ice to slowly pour from the machine. He would’ve packed warmer clothes if he had known how far he would travel. But each exit that passed, each state line, just drove him to keep going. To just keep driving. To get away.

“You’re not from here, are you?” A voice said from behind him. Rob turned to see a brunette woman with one hand on her hip and the other clasping her own ice bucket. She seemed about his age or so; with deep, almost wrinkled bags under her eyes and a face full of freckles.

“If I was, I wouldn’t be here,” Rob said flat. He scratched at the patchy stubble across his chin, before turning back around.

“I’m from Kentucky, myself,” she said. “Heard about some cool mountain trails up here. Real desolate. Brought some psychedelics with me to see the sunrise while tripping. Heard it’s really something special. You use?”

Rob was surprised at her forwardness, but answered: “Not usually. I’m from California. I’ve heard that’s more of an eastern thing.”

“Ah,” she said. “Cali. So you do pot.”

Rob nodded. His ice finished filling his bucket, and he turned to leave.

“Got any beers to go with that ice?” She asked, her head tilting to once side with a smirk.

Rob paused for a moment. He was so far from home. Was this really worth doing?

Under typical circumstances, a random hookup was not Rob’s idea of a good time. He had never enjoyed the few times he had done it, and having Hayden in the back of his mind was not helping. It really hadn’t been very long since then.

But this really wasn’t a normal circumstance.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

—

Three hours later, he and the girl passed a joint back and forth as they lay in bed beside each other. Both were naked, but things had happened so fast, neither had even made it under the covers.

“I still can’t believe you did that,” she said, looking down at the tattoos which sprawled across her naked form. “Like, holy shit. Three days in a car. What did you do when you needed to shit?”

Rob shrugged. “Pull over.”

The girl seemed to think, then laugh. “I knew Montana would be a blast. There’s nothing to do up here but look at things and fuck.”

She climbed out of the bed, passing the joint back to Rob, then put her clothes on.


“I’d sleep here, but,” she started, “I did already book my room.”

Rob laughed. “Good night, then.”

“Good night.”

The girl closed the door, leaving Rob in the silence of the room once more.

As an hour passed, the silence was growing quickly from cathartic to suffocating. The emotions Rob had ignored soon came sweeping back to him; his abandonment of home, his city, his state. He felt so cliche, having ran like this. It wasn’t as if he ever intended to run away from home forever, but everything was just too strong at home. The suffocation that he had felt so strongly at home had seemed to follow him here. No matter how far he would run, it always seemed like these feelings would follow him here.

He finally decided to pull out his phone, scrolling down to his contacts and finding the person he was looking for: 
Austin.

The phone rang twice before a familiar voice caught on:

“Where the fuck are you?”

Rob let out a small sigh. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me.”

“…Montana.”

“Alright, alright,” Austin said, half-joking-half-livid. “You’re right. I don’t believe you.”

“…look,” Rob began, “Things got crazy at home. I just needed to get away for a while.”

“Rob, normal people go for walks on the beach when they need to get away. Maybe go visit their favorite shop in town. They don’t drive to fucking Montana.”

“I’m not…” Rob started, pinching his nose and trying to think straight. The haze of the high had fogged his thinking. “I’m not trying to freak anyone out. I just started driving. I wasn’t paying attention. All I wanted to do was keep going.”

“Well, mission success then,” Austin’s cold sarcasm came through. “You’ve got Jane fucking worried sick. She’s here right now. Want to tell her where you are?”

“No, I don’t, look, just—“ Rob started, but it was too late. He could hear the phone being passed, and a soft, sigh seemed to come from the other end.

Pissing off Austin was one thing. Rob seemed to do it every so often, usually due to miscommunication or his constant need to perfect the few songs they had created together. But he had always hated to piss off Jane. Even in the short time he had known her…she was the only one he really respected. Actually cared for. Something he couldn’t even claim about his father.

“Hey, J…” Rob breathed out. “Before you talk, I’m fine. I’m staying at a hotel. Tomorrow I’m turning around and heading back.”

Silence on the other end. Rob continued:

“I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone worry about me. Plus, I know you’re just trying to graduate and I didn’t want to bother you with this. Or…maybe I did want to. I just didn’t think I should.”

The breathing on the other end of the line was the only signification that he was speaking to her.

“I’m not honest with you because I’m not honest with myself. I know that’s fucked up, but it’s who I am right now. Hopefully one day that changes. I just…I just hope there’s better shit in bloom for us soon.”

Amidst it all, Rob couldn’t help but laugh slightly at his own choice of words.

In Bloom.

The fuck did that mean?

—

Rob’s eyes slowly drew open as he felt another figure move beside him. Where was he again? The blurred memories of the night and mornings before he had taken those dreadful pills all seemed like some hazy memory, to the point where he couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming or not. Had this happened before?

Slowly, the memories came back to him as he felt lips against his skin. He was on a tour bus. He was in Europe. He had traveled this far with his three friends from Long Beach. He didn’t know how much farther they would go.

His eyes opened to see Jane’s own eyes in front of him. “I wanna pick up where we left earlier and talk, but not right now.”

What did she mean by that?

Rob’s thoughts tried desperately to decipher where they had left off. Had they talked recently? Surely. Rob could remember nights on rooftops and nights in this cot, where the two of them had talked about about themselves…each other…

Wait. It was coming back.

As soon as Jane’s lips pressed against Rob’s he remembered.

He loved her.

His body fully awakened, pulled Jane closer to him. He loved her. It was all he could think about. All he wanted to do was show her. Without saying a word, without even another thought, this was all he wanted to do.

—

Afterwards, Rob found himself more at peace than any time he could remember. He laid on his back, with Jane resting atop him, holding her and feeling her breath against his. All of his restless thoughts had long since faded, and he simply wanted to be here. Whether it was his own epiphany or simply the effects of the drugs in his system, he was no longer sure. He no longer cared, either.

Soon, the moment faded, and Jane had left once again. She had just begun to speak, but something had taken her away from him. She told him it was for drinks with Austin and Andy. She smiled, had taken his hand, and was away again before Rob could think of another word to say.

it had all happened so fast.

—

Another hour passed, and Rob found himself sitting on the tour bus’ couch, drinking his third cup of coffee. The final waves of his terrible mistake had washed over him and left him out to dry once again. He felt sober-minded for the first time in…he wasn’t sure how long.

The bus was quiet, for once. It seemed that at least one of their crew was walking around at all times—a constant movement and reminder of where they were, and what they were doing. But now, in this empty room, with just the gentle hum of the car conditioning unit and the music, things felt finally normal.

Behind him, Pale Black Eye by Manchester Orchestra played on in the background, while he tapped a foot along to the beat.

Did he want to meet with the others for drinks? It had seemed so soon, too soon to meet back with Jane after what had been said. Rob could easily sense that it was something she was thinking about. From the passionate love to trying to discuss it before leaving, Rob knew this needed to be addressed.

And he sure as hell wanted it to be. After all that had happened—all that the two had been through, could they not just sit down and tell each other the truth? That they loved each other? Going out for drinks after that just felt…disingenuous, he supposed.

The serenity was interrupted soon before he could finish his thoughts—a knock had come at the door. Rob stood up, and moved to open it.

Outside stood a woman around or younger Rob’s age; she had sharp fiery bangs that just touched the rim of her glasses. She wore a lethal smile, a long t-shirt the band had been selling this tour, and little else. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a burly man make his way out of the venue and approach them.

“Hi!” The girl said before Rob could do much more than look. She held out a hand, and spoke fast. “I’m Jamie. I’m so sorry for barging in like this, but I just saw the tour bus, and I couldn’t help but—“

“Hey!” the security guard shouted at them, now within earshot. Jamie looked up to Rob with pleading eyes.

“I really don’t—“ Rob started, but he just didn’t have it in him. One moment, he had been sitting and drinking coffee. The next, ambushed by a fan. He just needed more time to process…

“It’s ok,” Rob finally said to the guard, who seemed more annoyed than anything, and turned back to the venue.

“Thank you, thank you!” Jamie beamed. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

The fan whipped out the band’s most recent record from her large purse, and held a permanent marker out to sign it. “I’d ask for the other members to come out,” she mused, “but to be honest, it’s your signature I’m after.”

“You’d be out of luck,” Rob said comfortably. “They aren’t here.”

Jamie waited until Rob finished signing the record before speaking again, slipping it back into her purse. “Bucharest’s a big place. Tons to do here.”

“I’m sure,” Rob said, grabbing the door. “Well, I hope to see you out at the show tonight—“

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Jamie cut off again. She seemed antsy, and quite forward. “I just thought—oh, this is so bad of me—that maybe, if you wanted…I could stay a while, you know? Just for a bit.”

Rob tried hard to clearly understand what Jamie had been saying to him. Allowing his eyes to drift upwards, he noticed two or three people standing on the other side of the fence separating the busses from the main street. One of them held a DSLR aimed directly towards them.

Where had all of this come from? It had all seemed so sudden.

“I’m sorry,” Rob said, “I’m just a bit busy with something. After the show, we typically stay around to chat—“

“Oh, it doesn’t have to be long,” Jamie said, her smile shifting to more of a playful smirk. “I’m not here to take any more time than you’d need. I’m sure you’ll get back to your stuff afterwards.”

Was she really asking him for this? Perhaps he had been much more oblivious to this side of touring, or maybe he had simply not cared before. Either way, Rob felt increasingly more uncomfortable with the whole ordeal—including the camera aimed at the two of them.

“I’m afraid I’m just not interested,” Rob said, slipping more and more into the bus. His eyes locked with the security guard by the venue, and he began making his trek back over to them. “I hope you enjoy the show.”

“Wait,” Jamie started. “You don’t think…you thought I was going to fuck you?”

All of the sensuality in her voice was replaced with a sharp, fake rage. She rushed the door, pushing against it as Rob tried to hold it shut. Jesus, she was really going for it…

“What the fuck do you think I am? I come all the way out here, I buy tickets—“

By then the security guard grabbed at Jamie’s shoulders, and she tried to wrench free, to no avail. The man was a brute.

Rob closed and locked the door immediately after, but could hear her muffled screams and yells for almost a minute until she had been taken far enough away. Rob peered out the window to see the three people, now all with cameras in hand, snapping photos directly at both the bus and the “fan” as she was led away.

—

Twenty minutes passed, and Rob could clearly see the images on a few local “news” sites. First those of the two talking, then the violent outburst that quickly followed.

Any desire of his to leave the room was so quickly faded after the incident. His life and his prestige had shown it’s ugly side, and he was surprised, after thinking on it, that it hadn’t happened sooner. He couldn’t help but wonder at the entire event—whether or not Jamie was involved with the photographers. Or if Jamie was even “Jamie” at all.

Rob pulled out his phone, and shot a text over to Jane:

7:02 PM, Rob: Some deranged fan ambushed me at the tour bus. Not really feeling up for drinks.

He closed the phone, thought for a moment, then sent again:

7:04 PM, Rob: Hope we get a chance to talk soon.

Between the fan interaction, the drug-induced memories, and all that he had been through, Rob was growing tired of being here with his own thoughts. Especially knowing that the confession of love on his part would not go unspoken.

He felt surrounded on all sides. The fame they had amassed was now growing much more sinister than before. How much longer could they venture the cities on their own? If it was this bad in Europe, how would it be in America?

Feeling paranoid, Rob pulled out the phone number sent to him from Harold for the venue, and requested a security escort into the building.

Soon, two men arrived at the door, and Rob followed them idly across the concrete and towards the venue. His head remained down and his eyes behind sunglasses as he felt the flash of lights to his right, on the main road. The line for the show had already grown what seemed to be a quarter mile long.

Soon enough, he made it inside the building and made it to the waiting room. He sat down, pulling a handful of chips from the table’s bowl, and absentmindedly ate in the silence.

He could see outside the door from his perspective, which seemed to lead straight to the stage. In Bloom was up first this night, but Rob could see Trent already working on some of his drum equipment, back facing to him. Soon, Zoe’s form passed by, tuning her strings. She looked inside the room and briefly made eye contact with Rob, before quickly slipping out of view.

Rob could almost feel himself roll his eyes at the thought. How was Zoe holding up after the fallout? How was Vicarious doing as a whole? Sure, he could ask Jane, but how would that conversation go? How were they going to explain and comfort each other after all that shit? How the fuck were they ever going to get alone together again?

“Fuck,” Rob muttered under his breath.

So many questions. So many fucking questions.

[megatrash]

The night Jane was having with Austin and Andy had definitely been entertaining; the bar they chose was dark and small, not one person approaching them for a picture or a conversation, and the conversation was light and enjoyable. But, although she was physically there, her mind seemed to bounce back and forth between the reality in front of her and the mystery surrounding what had happened before she had gotten there and what would happen after.

A hand on her knee snapped her back into her seat at the bar. Andy's. But this touch wasn't one sensual in nature, but one of concern she concluded, given the quizzical look on his face. Jane shook her head playfully and whispered that she was fine, and the both of them turned their attention back to Austin, who was telling a ridiculous story about one of the girls he had met on their journey through Europe.

"So then, she starts talking about how much I look like her cousin while we're making out, and after a while, I made up an excuse that I forgot about a practice and fucking ran out of there."

The three of them laughed, and as soon as Jane took a sip of her beer, her phone vibrated inside of her pocket. Two texts from Rob appeared on the mosaic-like home screen, and all she could do was sigh. "I guess he's not coming. How long do we have before our set?"

"An hour. Then Vicarious," Austin answered as he looked as his own phone. "We need some new covers or something. I'm getting sick of playing the same shit every night."

Jane nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Maybe next free day we get, we can work on something."

Andy put an arm around Jane and rubbed her shoulder gently. "How ya doing, babe?" His voice was quiet and gentle, not his usual tone that he spoke to her in.

"I'm okay," she said in an equally quiet decibel. "Just got a lot on my mind."

He nudged her. "I'd normally offer to help you with that, but something tells me you're not in the mood."

Jane couldn't help but laugh as she scratched her head. “Yeah, unfortunately. Sorry, And.”

“Shh,” he shushed her as she squeezed her shoulder, then recoiled his arm that was around her. “Don’t sweat it.”

It was the first time in what felt like ages that Jane had turned down an offer like that from someone she was attracted to, but she knew if she had agreed, she’d only be in her thoughts the whole time. Thoughts about someone that wasn’t Andy.

The situation that they were all in had been a dream of Jane’s for years: having not one, but two people that were there for her, both mentally and physically. Two men, both attractive, both good guys. How could she complain?

The only problem that she was now becoming aware of was that, with the confirmation of Rob having the same feelings as her, would she now have to lose Andy? Although her feelings for him were much different for him than Rob, Jane couldn’t deny the attachment she was beginning to develop. Andy had been so emotionally attentive to her with all of the drama the tour had facilitated, he was funny and kind, and their chemistry seemed something so automatic. Maybe that was how Rob felt with Zoe.

From the outside, her relationship with each would most likely be indistinguishable. But Jane knew that was far from the truth. Before embarking on tour, before the single was ever written, Jane and Rob’s bond was unbreakable. Seven years of relationships, death, parents, friends, drugs, booze, and music had never threatened the nature of their friendship, which made Jane wonder why now, during this tour, it had become so fragile. Yes, the introduction of romantic feelings was the biggest complication, but something so trivial would normally pale in comparison to what the both of them had been through before.

So what was it?

There were so many things that she loved about Rob and didn’t verbalize enough. So many attributes that weren’t in most of the people she had met before.

Like the way Rob had always taken care of her. When her mother died, he barely left her side until she was able to cope on her own. Even back when they were and high school, when Jane was out sick, he’d always stop by to check on her. And of course, all the nights Rob had taken care of her when she had partied way harder than she knew she could handle. When she put herself in dangerous situations without any hesitation. He would find her, bring her home, and put her to bed, never expecting a ‘thank you’ in return. And even when – mentally – Jane was having her bad days, Rob would absorb her anger or depression without getting upset with her.

And his patience. She had no problem admitting that she was a lot to handle. Between the drugs, the unsavory characters she spent periods of time with, her tendency to be dramatic, and her selfishness, Rob never ended their friendship. He’d stay up all night with her, letting her vent about this and that, without interruption or frustration, even if she had never asked him how he was doing throughout the duration of her rambling.

Rob’s ability to stay calm during complicated situations was admirable; an even temper that Jane could never seem to adapt seemed to come so naturally to him. Things were different now – Rob was beginning to lose this side of himself – but Jane could only blame herself for that.

Come to think of it, any sane person probably would have gotten fed up by now. Jane surely would have. People like Austin and Sam were different; yes, they’d been friends with her for years, but her emotions were never so on display with them. Not like with Rob. And Andy, the newest to enter her circle, although there for her now, wouldn’t always be there for her.

And now, on top of the mental abuse Jane felt like she had already put him through, everything on tour probably only solidified the fact that being with her would not be a walk in the park. The fact that Jane could never be sober, her constant need for physical attention, the part of her that wasn’t sure if she could ever truly be in a committed relationship. She had been focused only on how all of this made her feel, but hadn’t been checking in with Rob like she should have. Now, she had exhausted him, and although he said he loved her, only a conversation with him would truly –

“J?”

Jane’s focus turned from a random spot on the wall a few feet away to Austin and front of her, who looked at her with a confused expression. “Shit,” she mumbled as she rubbed her temples. “I’m sorry, guys. Do you, uh, do you guys mind if I head out?” Jane took a moment to pick up her drink and take the last few gulps of her beer. “I gotta clear my head before the show tonight.”

Andy and Austin both looked to each other and nodded. “Yeah, of course,” Andy replied as he stood up from his seat. “Call us if you need us, okay? We’ll see you at the venue.”

Jane nodded and waved to Austin, then turned back to Andy to give him a hug goodbye, but as they released each other, they both looked at each other momentarily. His eyes looked pained, as if he knew that Rob’s revelation could point to the potential end of what he and Jane had. And in all of her confusion, she didn’t have the means to comfort him, and she could only give him a solemn expression in response. He nodded, then leaned in to kiss her, only lingering for a moment before leaning back up to his full height.

It took her off guard; they had never really shown affection to that extent outside of the bedroom. If Jane wasn’t bewildered before, she surely was now.

Before moving, she paused for a second, cocking her head to the side as she looked up to him, but as soon as the moment happened, she exited the bar into the cold, dark downtown area, wrapping her arms around herself as she began down the street. Even through a t shirt, a flannel, and a leather jacket, the air still found a way to chill her to the bone, causing her body to tremble and her bottom lip to quiver as she pushed her way past others walking down the sidewalk.

Her earbuds were playing Stonehands by B&C loudly when she finally reached the roof to the venue they’d be playing in only a half an hour later. She could see their bus parked in the lot, and she could only wonder if Rob was in there currently, or if he was off doing the same thing as she was: attempting to process everything that had happened between them leading up to this very day, and where to go from there.

Jane sank down to the ground and leaned her back up against the chest high ledge that encompassed the flat rooftop, pulling a joint out from behind her ear and after three tries, finally lighting it.

The logical part of Jane’s brain, however small, was telling her to wait until she spoke with Rob to jump to any conclusions about what it all meant. If she had learned anything from the past few months, it was that the worst seems to happen when they don’t talk.

The thought made Jane pull out her phone and orchestrate a text back to Rob.

Jane, 8:12 PM: Don’t worry about it. And yeah, me too. Maybe after the set?

The joint was at its end when Jane noticed the presence of another person on the roof with her, causing her to jump.

“I’m sorry!” Lyla called out as she put her hands up in the air. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jane put a hand on her chest and shook her head. “No, no. It wasn’t you.” She grunted as she got up from the ground and walked towards Lyla a few feet. “What’s up?”

“Set starts in about fifteen. I learned that if any band members are missing, at least one’s on the roof.” Lyla smiled sincerely as she shivered from the breeze.

“Really? Who was the last person you found up here?” Jane bit her lip as she waited for an answer, already knowing the answer.

“Rob, last night before you he saw, well, you know,” Lyla explained, her voice growing quieter and quieter.

“Oh,” Jane nodded. She knew that Rob only came up to the roof when he was either upset or needed to think (or to find Jane), causing her to wonder which it was. “I’m sorry if you got involved it that. It was an accident.”

Lyla shook her head and waved a hand. “No, don’t worry about it. I’m touring with a band who’s confined to a bus for weeks at a time. I expected a little drama.” After they both chuckled, Lyla grabbed Jane’s hand and inspected her nails. “When’s the last time you got a manicure?”

“Ha!” Jane exclaimed. “I don’t think I ever got one. My friend Mia made me get my toes done once, but that was it.”

Lyla’s eyes widened at her response. “Jesus. I’ve never met a girl older than ten who hadn’t gotten her nails done at least twice.” She now squeezed Jane’s smaller hand in hers. “What do you say you and I get a little pampering done tomorrow? I’m sure Harold would be happy knowing the money was going somewhere other than food and booze.”

Jane paused for a moment, biting her lip in thought, but ultimately replied with a sheepish “Okay.”

Lyla showed a toothy grin as she pulled Jane’s hand to lead her off the roof. “Then it’s a date. We’ll get some breakfast, get our nails done, maybe find someone who’d be willing to brush your hair.”

“Hey,” Jane nudged her. “It’s not that bad.”

*****

“Check, check, check, heeeeeey, check, check,” Jane’s raspy voice cut through the low rumble from the patron’s in the bar. She had missed the scheduled sound check, so she rushed to find a good volume for the feedback amps that sat at her feet. “Yeah, man, that’s good.”

Rob had already been on stage by the time she was inside the venue, so she could only offer him a quick wave before the lighting in the room adjusted, signaling that they were going to begin. Jane used one foot to take the other’s shoe off until her feet were against the cold wooden floor of the stage, and she haphazardly tossed them to the side before turning her head back towards the crowd.

“Hey, everyone,” she mumbled into the mic as she worked to shorten it considerably. “I’m Jane Molloy, and we’re In Bloom from Long Beach, California.” Then, she began to peel off her leather jacket as Sam’s guitar began to hum behind her. “Thank you all for coming out tonight to see us and Vicarious. We’re a long way from home, and we weren’t really sure what to expect when we got out here.”

The crowd cheered in response.

“Hit it, Sam.”

*****

As usual, Jane’s hands rested on her knees as she caught her breath off to the side of the stage, saying quiet “thank yous” as people passed and complimented her performance. Soon, Sam and Austin were in front of her, and she straightened her posture so that she could talk with them.

“That was probably your best performance since we started this tour,” Sam said in his normal, stern voice.

“For sure, man,” Austin added, “you killed it.”

“Thanks, guys,” Jane replied breathily, wiping her flannel’s sleeve across her face.

“I think I should warn you,” Sam began as he stepped closer to her. “Harold said that if you keep missing performances or getting too fucked up, he might stage an intervention when we get back. Said something about holding out your portion of the profit until you get clean.”

Jane nearly choked on the water she grabbed from the craft table. “Are you fucking serious? Can he even do that?”

“I don’t know how much he meant it. He was kinda pissed from you missing that show when he said it.”

“Fuck,” she whispered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Okay. Thanks.”

The two left, leaving Jane alone with yet another thing to think about. When was it going to get easier? Would it ever get easier?

Soon, Jane caught of glimpse of Rob exiting the stage, and her heart immediately began racing. “Rob,” she called as she approached him, her lip quivering once again, but this time, it wasn’t from the cold. She was about to cry.

“Hey,” she began as she caught up to him, “come outside with me.” She yanked his arm towards the back door, only illuminated by a green ‘EXIT’ sign hanging above it, and once the cold air hit her face, and she confirmed no one else was in the alleyway, Jane could no longer control her emotions. Tears began to well up quickly, exiting her eyes and streaming down her face. She turned to Rob and immediately buried her face into his shirt, barely reaching his chest as she began to cry. It was as if all the emotions she had buried deep down since the beginning of the tour were bubbling to the surface at once.

After a minute or two passed, Jane finally began to feel relief from her outburst, and she pulled away from Rob as she dabbed her eyes with her shirt sleeve. “I’m sorry,” she said weakly. “I’m fucking tired. And overwhelmed. This whole tour has really kicked my ass.” Both hands ran though her hair, pushing it back out of her face, and she began to pace in front of him slowly. “I’m, uh, not sure how much you remember of our conversation this morning. I did a little research on Ambien, and jesus, Rob, you shouldn’t fucking take that much.” She couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to scold him. “But, I’m sorry about you seeing Andy last night. I really didn’t mean for that to happen. The lines of what’s acceptable and what’s not are already so blurry and I don’t wanna make them worse.”

Jane paused and swiveled her body to him. “How much of the conversation do you remember?”

She didn't want to mention what Rob said only for the possibility that he didn't remember telling her he loved her. It would be awkward for the both of them, she was sure, and the last thing she wanted was to add any more tension between them. But as she stood there, her heart pounded in her chest as she looked at the man in front of her, desperately hoping he did recall what happened between them.

[HangYourSecrets]

Rob found himself on the venue stage, eyes locked onto the lugs in front of him, working tirelessly to tune each head with his drum key. His perfectionist tendencies were kicking in, and the stresses of the road were causing him to erratically work on each head much longer than necessary.

Finally, a roadie came on his monitor: ”You’re good man. We need to start.”

The voice shook Rob, who looked up to see a dark figure looking at him from stage right. He gave a curt thumbs up, and looked forward.

Jane was already here.

Her figure was accentuated by the lights beaming down on her, obscuring the audience from view. It was a familiar sight—as drummer, he had rarely seen the faces of the audience. Neither their excitement of anticipation nor their rapture from hearing their favorite song was known to Rob. He was simply a timepiece—the pulsing beat from which the band derived it’s own spirit.

It was something he was so satisfied with and yet, never quite content about. He thought of the night he had spent in a hotel back in the states, tirelessly working on a solo song on his acoustic guitar. The same guitar that sat in the bus’s storage, collecting dust.

Missed chances and wasted time.

He watched in front of him as Jane cued in Sam, and his guitar rang out to thunderous applause. Rob waited several seconds, before hitting his drumsticks together four times in beat, and the band was off again.

It all faded together so quickly.

—

Afterwards, Rob fiddled with his drum set again. Why wasn’t the damn snare in tune? He already fucked with the resonant head like three times. Three half-steps lower. It should’ve been perfect.

He wasn’t even sure why he was fiddling with the tuning. The crowd in front of him was milling about with themselves, discussing and waiting for Vicarious, which stood just off the side of the stage. The roadies continuously begged for Rob to get off the stage, but he paid them no attention.

The other members of In Bloom had already excused themselves, talking amongst themselves somewhere else, assuredly. It just needed to be right. For once, something in his life he could control just needed to be right—

“Rob, seriously,” a voice came on his monitor. This time, it wasn’t a roadie.

It was Zoe.

”You gotta clear the stage, man.”

Rob’s eyes shot up to stage left, where he could see Zoe’s small form standing off near Trent and Andy—one hand to her chin and the other pressing the “talk” button on her headset.

Something about the way she had spoken had cut straight through Rob’s guard. Her voice was ripe with hurt and pain, and solace as well. Although their lives had broken apart, the bond they had formed over the past few weeks was still fresh. The schism between them seemed acknoledged by her for the first time.

Rob nodded slightly to her. He knew that he couldn’t comfort her, but he certainly empathized with her.

Rob made off to stage right when Jane quickly caught his gaze—pulling him immediately to the exit. Before he had time to make sense of all that had transpired, she buried her face to him, and cried.

”Shit, Rob muttered involuntarily. He had frozen, but soon moved his arms around Jane in an instinctual embrace. He felt her small frame convulse in his, and couldn’t help but feel nearly emotional at the display before him.

They haven’t spoken to each other, truly, since before she had met with Zoe. What was in actuality a few days at best seemed more like a small eternity. So many things had happened in the preceding time. He could only wonder how much more would happen.

She suddenly moved back from him, pacing and talking in a rapid tone about his Ambien usage. He could not begin to respond, before she confronted him with the question on both of their minds:

“How much of the conversation do you remember?”

Rob’s mind froze immediately. The haze he had been in for the past several hours, the rush of the show and how hard he had been trying not to think about this moment—this exact moment, had all come to a complete stop.

Out here, the air was chilly and sharp; Rob could feel the cool air striking the sweat on his brow and his body, giving him the illusion of this cold sweat. Jane’s eyes stared into his with an emotive weakness he had not seen in a very long time—perhaps, since their last confessional together.

They had fallen into this vicious cycle of miscommunication and possibly, mistrust. They would admit to each other that they wanted to continue on, and would go back to their old ways—suppressing and ignoring their greater feelings.

Perhaps that’s why Rob felt so frozen in this moment.

Because the cyclical nature of their relationship could end here. If he could finally tell her the truth—not some psuedo-honest bullshit about how much me cared, but the full and complete truth—maybe something would be different. Maybe they could finally break out of this cycle.

Their world was getting more and more confusing. Jane’s relationship with Andy was a huge question mark for Rob. His own relationship with Zoe, slightly less so. The tremulous relationship with Vicarious would only get worse, or so it felt, and the tour seemed to stretch on indefinitely. He had so quickly forgotten that Europe was not the end of the tour. Once they finished in England, it would be back to the states to tour the cities they had missed and even one’s they hadn’t. If Rob was getting ambushed at his own bus here in Europe, how bad would they be off once they returned to the states? Could they even leave the bus again?

And yet, when it was all thought of and all said and done, there was little more that mattered to Rob than the person in front of him right now. This insecure, wild young woman was both the cause and effect—the reason he woke up and the reason he managed to fuck everything up. And maybe—just maybe, if she knew that—perhaps the world would be a bit less confusing.

“I remember that I fucked up,” Rob said quietly; his hands in his pockets and his eyes diverted down to his shoes. He could already feel the vulnerability of the coming moment, but pushed through; “I remember wanting to sedate myself because I didn’t want to think about how I felt. How seeing what I did made me feel. And I always wonder that if I could just stop worrying—just stop being so anxious and scatterbrained and actually just live in the moment—then maybe shit like that wouldn’t bother me. If I could just be like you—”

Rob looked back up. “But that’s not me. I’m not you. And it’s not a good thing and it’s not a bad thing and it’s not anything in between. It’s just differences. I can’t live my life day by day. I can’t go on that stage and act as if nothing is wrong. And I can’t be in a relationship with anyone else without forming some sort of connection. And I envy your spirit and your mind, but it’s not me. And I’m starting to realize that that’s ok.”

Rob took a step forward, holding Jane’s arms. “We may not seem compatible to other people. You may seem like the wild card and me the straight arrow, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. We don’t have to change who we are to be what we can be. Because I’ll tell you now what I told you then—“

Rob couldn’t help but cut himself off, caressing Jane’s face on either side, and moving in to kiss her. His senses were heightened to the extreme—every strand of hair that passed his hands and every touch he felt from her all cumulated into the following:

”I love you, Jane.” Rob whispered as he pulled away from her. He said it again: ”I love you.”

He pulled in close again, and their lips reconnected.

And somehow, the frigid air of the coming winter seemed warmer than before—if only for a moment.