urukhai
Lord Zee
King of Rats
Frettzo
DracoLunaris
VecIt had been a rough talk with Franz. He wasn't holding up well and he was collapsing under pressure but overall he would make it to the next night. That was the reality of his situation. He had been beaten and battered by the war and the visit Anneli and Senja paid him only did the man so many favors. There hadn't been much that he had to say after that gas attack. He hadn't been one for words to begin with, but now he seemed more distant. He was colder. His skin seemed greyer and his spirit had perhaps been shattered again. His brief brightening with Ines had been that and with her turning from him and that letter that he held in his hand... Well... Maybe he wouldn't have minded if he did get shot. It was hard for the Nords to know what he was thinking with how unresponsive he was.
A shame that it was they couldn't get him to say much more than small replies or flat out ignoring them at times. He spent more time than ever distancing himself from everyone else and to that extent he felt very alone. He had obviously pushed himself away quietly and always insisted on being in the back to ensure the safety of the squad but there wasn't much more to it than wanting to be alone. It was probably better for him to be with the friends he made but how he felt... it... it didn't feel right. He couldn't even express himself to Ines very well. He felt like he never quite got it across as to how thankful he was for her intervening that day. Sure Issac and Jean put their two cents in but he didn't care about either of them in that moment. The Nords had come not long after to help get him along.
Now it was the letter... At least, in the darkness, there was a peace he could find and with his slowly degrading health he had more of a reason to stay in. He still did his jobs, but returning to bed as often as allowed meant he got the thing he felt like he needed. So much emptiness and questioning... He hadn't touched his stencils in a long time.
There was a time when she meant so much to him and even now she meant everything. He risked his life, his pride, his money, and his gang all to look for this girl who escaped his grasp for so long. Was it some kind of sick joke? While he shook his arm quietly did it have some kind of punch line he failed to read? Was he in another nightmare? They seemed so frequent and so damn real. He read the letter again to be sure, but like the time before all the words were there.
"Dear Franz,
It has been too long. It has been far, far too long. I have read your letters and loved them all. I can't believe, even now, that you looked for me all this time. You are a treasure beyond treasures and a man who has stopped at nothing to find me. I always knew you were a strong boy with great determination, but now I see that as a man nothing has changed. You'll always make me proud, Franz Blau... So I guess I'll tell you what I've seen."
The words on paper told of her journey and struggle to keep the family afloat with her mother taking select choices in attempting to provide a better life chasing opportunity after opportunity without fail. She had seen many things in her life. The monuments of the nations, the heroes of marble and stone, and honored them with photography. She found her triumphs in the postal business and found her failings in pursuing some of her artistic dreams. A tough choice to choose one over the other, but her ambitious mother had to make do. The most amusing, and damning, detail was the sheer fact that over the course of time that they had pursued each other they had just missed each other by days, hours, or minutes as Amber guessed. For Franz it felt like seconds. All the same they were lovers who had simply found themselves unable to match each other's tempo. It hurt so much that when Franz decided to stay in to cope with his sadness instead of looking for her that he had simply missed her when she had spent a couple of days sitting out in a park he would have went to on those days. Devastating.
Still, she was trying. It had only been when she came back from the empire that she settled... and she had done so not so long after he enlisted for the army. It was only three months ago that their cafe and bakery mix had been established. It even hosted a bookcase collection of which the Longblades found themselves fond of. Franz smiled the first time reading about all the men who had taken time to read the books and discuss them in their little book club that a patron had decided should be opened... and he frowned knowing that it took over her visits to the park.
Idly he read through each word and felt a barrage of emotions. He was proud of her and all she had done and so often she spoke of how she would have wanted to share it with him. So often she talked about how dear he had been to her. He hadn't left her mind for so long... but, as she would present to him yet again as he dissected every line, she did.
"And even though I loved you I knew I had to move on. I couldn't have spent more time looking for you. Mother wouldn't have had it. Someone who became dear to me wouldn't have appreciated it either. I always fancied the idea of being with you, Franz. Please, never forget that. You were a world far away that I could never find no matter how hard I looked. I always regretted- and I still do- not taking you with us. I will always regret never chasing after you when you said you were going home. I thought about it for so long and now that I have the chance to talk with you again it breaks my heart to know what you suffered. I've never felt such pain like knowing how the world has treated you my poor, sweet, Franz. I wanted nothing more than to see you, but I know that now that I can I'm only going to hurt you more and you deserved better!
But... I can't break two hearts tonight. Franz... I'm engag-"
A finger pressed against the word as breathing became unstable. His heart throttled his throat and tears ripped at corners again. Sharp knives pierced his skin as he closed his eyes to hide it from himself again.
No more... just... please... no more...
Franz was left spinning as he remembered everything he had done wrong. What should have he had done so long ago? He knew there was no point in staying with his father and all the same his naive mind thought something would change. He thought that maybe with time he would potentially see his mother again. He thought that with such powerful strides in learning he could make something of himself. He thought that maybe if he stayed in Gallia he could find something of out of the miserable kingdom he resided in. Even with his father's growing complications and abusive attitude he held idiotic hope that anything would change. He just let resentment build and sink in viciously with teeth of the sands ripping at his life. How much more sand would he bleed from the hourglass? From dust to dust for nothing?
Even now he had to ponder, with such droning repetition why it was that he waited for a flag that would never be passed onto him. Henry... Fucking Henry. The abusive Kraken tangling his reluctant arms and frying his blooming mind... It was his fault. All of it was HIS fault! Playing sympathy, tricking him at every turn, pretending to care, using him for leverage, beating him for not being home on time, giving alcoholic speeches on virtues he never once held! Henry the fucking Gallian and his god damn queen! What good was a fucking queen for a fucking pathetic kingdom when it was as frail as her brittle arms and powdered face!
With a loud grunt Franz flipped his bed over with a kick! FUCK!
It was... it was Franz's fault. He tried to reason his actions. Nobody asked him to stay with Henry. He did it himself. He let his life escape him and now here he was in hell. What about his own virtues? What fucking virtue did Franz have? Honor? Loyalty? Chastity?
He killed a woman and let her bleed to death and had shot countless more who just wanted to live. He took supplies from soldiers to scrap by and make petty excuses for why he took so long.
Loyalty? What fucking loyalty? An Imperial killing Imperials! An Imperial defending the worthless Gallians through the snake mouth Federation! Who's side was this turncoat on? He killed his brothers! He killed his sisters! He did so fighting against the truth of the world! Without the empire this world would be nothing! Democracy is the system of puppets and masters but too shy to say it! It kept its population nice and stupid so it could manipulate its very core while pitting them against petty objectives with the intention of pushing their own agenda! At least the empire was honest! In its very name the empire made its intentions very clear and despite being a collective of annexed territories and multicultural prowess none could debate that their way of life worked! None could debate that it could not only go toe to toe with those pathetic Federalists but it could supersede it! Is this what Franz fought for?! Regression?! The worthless wimps of politicians playing house?! Franz was a traitor to his own blood! He was a traitor to his own family! What fucking loyalty?!
And! And! And... Amber... Oh Amber... He couldn't even keep loyal to her. What is a decade in the span of a life? It's nothing. With life being so finite and capped one should be able to hold any promise and desire. One should not let the stresses of the world to break his short lived will. From dawn to dusk the ideals of the hero should be maintained... but Franz was no hero... He was a coward who caved in when the cards were down. He was an adulterous whore who couldn't even wait another month. He gave up at the prospect of affection and like the fool he was he gave it up for a woman who didn't even want him...
Ines had Freya... Franz?... Franz had no one.
He chuckled to himself in the corner.
"I deserved this." He thought.
Not a moment would go by where he wouldn't think of his mistakes. On the path to being a great he squandered it on pettiness. On the road to being a hero he built his legacy on the blood of his own. In pursuit of being a paragon he found himself being below the very star of destiny but looking through a scope. It was a fantasy... his ideals... his perfect world... he was beneath them. He would never be a hero and he would never be the man he wished he could be. He was a husk of a man who died long ago and it took him this long to realize it. They say you see your life flash before your eyes before you fade into the darkness... As the candle lost its luster and the ember gripped at its last he found this to be true.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed but his tent was a mess. All the same, he held onto that letter. It was all that was left of him. He had to cling onto this. It was the only thing that made him feel. Even if he felt so much pain... even if he felt endless sorrow... it was better than nothing. Remembering the feeling... he got back to work. Piece by piece he paced himself at a rigid timing and reset his tent. Piece by piece he put back everything where it belonged and thanked himself for not creating more of a noise than he did. It would be annoying to listen to some pompous bastard explain why this retched existence was worth fighting for. He already knew that. He had obligations to fulfill and that was all. It wasn't just his life that would be affected. Markus needed his money. The gang needed his money.
"Yet perhaps they did not." The shadow crawled from under his bed and even with darting eyes Franz met his gaze without so much as a blink. It wasn't until but seconds later that he flipped his lids and looked back at the letter in the lifeless cage.
"Who says you need to live? In this war you may very well die. Do you honestly believe Markus needs you? The gang has managed despite its many deaths... and yet still you believe you matter to them. You are a number, Franz. You are a Darcsen. The only purpose of the Darcsen is to die so that the rest may live. Yet... what a worthless endeavor it is, do you not think so? In the fight of our lives with every inch gained and all purpose searched one finds the fight is for naught. You know this. WE know this. Yet like actors in a play we dance and sing and fall when the script calls us to die. Even the greatest of heroes will be forgotten and all the same you are a thief of the beginning. The beginning will punish you with the prospect of the end, yet you don't revere it. You find yourself pushing to save people who are worth nothing in this life. You're just another character in a made up world waiting to die, aren't you Franz? A poor tragic character in a ballad of sorrows."
Franz made no refute, simply eyeing his inventory and looking back to the letter.
"You want it, Franz. You don't want to fight anymore. Every moment you've lived to this point has been for a woman who has been fucked dry by some Federal dog waiting to infect her with his cursed blood. Ahahahaha! And the Imperial hero gives up!"
With a slide the magazine locked in place. The parabellum of that poor victim that Franz killed now pointed at the shadow with steady arms and a fixation upon his ghastly skull.
"Do you think that this changes anything, shadow? You think you tell me anything new or do you hope that I cave into your desires for me? Or do you truly think me such a coward?"
"You are worthless, Franz. WE are worthless." The shadow grinned turning into a mirror of Franz and pressing its skull against the barrel of the gun. "End this story so that you can have your rest."
"Do you think I'm incapable?"
"I think you are a coward. WE think you are cowardly."
"Then pull the trigger if you think I am afraid to die." Franz turned the gun onto himself, wrapping his lips around the barrel and locking eyes with his shadow. The sounds of the world around them subtly played. Then- a deafening silence. In this moment there was nothing. There was just a man staring into his soul and hating what he saw. Even with the nightmare in his face he found himself without any fear. He found himself without any anger. He... felt... nothing... He stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back. With a jolt, it grabbed the gun and pushed the barrel in slightly deeper. Even with Franz's hand on the gun, he made no effort to resist it. The grinning shadow slide it in all the way and adjusted the angle.
"An instant death."
Franz adjusted it back.
"A slow and painful demise...ehehehe."
Franz had no such laughter.
"Then, die."
With Franz's finger leaving the trigger the shadow slipped its own in. "Die, Franz Blau!"
BANG!
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?
“What should happen when I die, Franz?”
“Sir?”
“What should happen when I meet my end?”
“I suppose we’ll bury you.”
“Like the others?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I...Sir?”
“Why should I be buried like all the others? Why must they all be the same?”
“There is no other way.”
“There is, but it starts with you.”
“...I don’t understand you, sir.”
“Steffen. Call me by my name.”
“Explain to me what you mean, Steffen.”
“Why must it be that when a man dies the clouds turn grey and the light runs dim? Why must it be that when life is out there to live people would rather spend it in death?”
“People hurt, Steffen. They hurt and in the end death is what gives life meaning… or so I’ve been told.”
“Death gives death meaning. Life gives life meaning. When you are happy it is not because death has made it so. You are happy because you are happy. You live because you have more of the same.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“When I am gone, long buried away in the cold dirt and the rain soaked soil, buried in a box far away from home… do not weep for me. Let that be clear. Remember me! Remember Dennis! Remember Rothe! Remember them and be merry as I was!”
“We missed them dearly, brother, how are we to drink and cheer when they are long gone before us?”
“Because it is how they would have wanted you to remember them. It is how I want you to remember and celebrate me. I want to feel the sun against my cheeks when my time is done. I want to hear my friends drinking and being merry as I rot in my box. I want them to, even if they are crying, pour me a drink and tell me how they can’t wait to see me again! That is how I want to die!…. Because… to die any other way…”
The older man placed his hand on the young one’s shoulder, gripping it gently and staring him in the eyes.
“Live your life, Franz. Don’t look back. When all is said and done I want you to not let those scars define you. If you give up because of them… If you keep hurting yourself over them… You put all the effort we poured into you in vain. No matter what you have to promise me you will try. If not for yourself then for the people around you… Try...”
"Personally, I think you do have a future. Everybody does."
"Even if it isn't allocated to you yourself."
"You did say you grieved for Mila. Then you're already better than me..."
"But it shows you do actually care about something. About her. About her future. And I think Mila does too, in her final moments and decision to cover you. I know she probably doesn't live your life, doesn't fully understand what pain you have to go through, but I think that's one of her future, even if she doesn't come out of that alive..."
"She saw that she could preserve and protect others' future. And she jumped right at it. No hesitation, no thinking. Even though her ideals are a little simplistic and to be honest unhealthy, I still respect her greatly to know that she saved you. Sometimes it would be in vain. I know, because I too failed to save my friend. His father owned a carpenter shop, and he was waiting for his son to inherit it, but what he would receive now would merely be a letter saying he died for his country. Only because I missed that shot. But the thought alone also speaks. I know it sounds a little sophisticated, but I just think that..."
"To preserve people's future is also a future."
"If you need anything, come to me. Darscen look out for one another. I don't care what it is, find me and I'll watch over my brother. Enjoy your life for those who cannot, Jean."
"Love me as though there were no tomorrow~"
"Take me out of this world tonight~!"
"Take me~!"
"Make me forget my sorrow,"
"So when I wake tomorrow, I'll know our love was right."
"Kiss me as though it were now of never~"
"Teach me all that a heart should know~"
"Love me... as though there were no tomorrow~"
"Oh my darling~, love me; don't ever let me go~."
"Kiss me as though it were now or never~"
"Teach me all that a heart should know~"
"Love me as though there were no tomorrow;"
"Oh, my darling, love me~"
"Don't ever let~...me go~"
"Take me out of this world tonight~!"
"Take me~!"
"Make me forget my sorrow,"
"So when I wake tomorrow, I'll know our love was right."
"Kiss me as though it were now of never~"
"Teach me all that a heart should know~"
"Love me... as though there were no tomorrow~"
"Oh my darling~, love me; don't ever let me go~."
"Kiss me as though it were now or never~"
"Teach me all that a heart should know~"
"Love me as though there were no tomorrow;"
"Oh, my darling, love me~"
"Don't ever let~...me go~"
"And...this isn't goodbye. It's not 'no.' I just...I can't hurt you."
"You're not losing me..."
"It's not like we're dead. I'll still be here. No matter what happens."
"We should just make sure about...how we feel about other people. See other people. And...you know...i'm not going anywhere. We'll still talk and see each other. Because...I don't want to lose you, either."
“Am I going to die?”
“Yes.”
“I-I don’t- want- to!” Another gagged gasp.
“I know.”
“Did… I do… The empire… proud?”
“Yes… Your family too...”
“Will they remember...”
“...I will remember you...”
“...I will remember you...”
“...I will remember you...”
"Franz, it's morning."
Dark faded to the light as eyes slowly cracked open. A numbness was present in every bit of his body. Lungs took in air and his heart gradually made itself known to him. Everything was blurry. His mind wandered as the feeling crawled back into him. His head hurt and his hands were full. He pressed his hands against his forehead and listened to the familiar sound of paper grinding against skin- and the cold reminder of the time before. His eyes regained focus as he looked to his right hand, slowly pulling the pistol off of his head and... just staring at it blankly. He blinked, even if only twice, before turning it over and looking at his hand.
He didn't do it...
The cool of the gun reminded him of everything. He remembered it all and felt so numb. Here, perhaps,where any other would have taken shock in their situation and contemplated regret, Franz felt only memories flooding. He stared and stared... the art of the dream fresh in his mind. He supposed he wouldn't find rest. There was no rest for someone like him. There was just picking off where you left off. That was all there was... right?
In the other hand there was the letter. Just looking at it sparked emotions but none were as intense as the time before. There was much he had to say but at the same time nothing at all. He had words but no structure. He had numbness yes no logic. There was a pattern somewhere lost in the broken vase and where it began and where it ended left him spinning in the dark. Perhaps it was why he sat up to find his body was sprawled out in a ragdolled position. Still... it must not have been so long that any would have assumed him dead.
With the gun left under the letter on the bed Franz quietly contemplated the many words that continued to pursue him. He wasn't sure if he had the will to go on, but evidently he didn't kill himself either. He wasn't afraid... but maybe he was. It was hard to know what he felt anymore. The dawn of another day was just another day to relive the past and another to contemplate the future. The present was the never ending act of pushing for a point in time where all would be forgotten. Despite this truth of his, he found himself breathing in some miracle performed by a hypothetical god... and at this point... maybe he needed one.
Franz had never been big on the idea of religion and certainly not when it involved the destruction of Darcsen for the sake of being a lowly dark hair. What black hair would willingly subject themselves to hours of torment by people who spoke of his lack of worth? Well, ironically, Franz would. He very lightly chuckled at the thought as he had endured vocal torment once by his father. He endured it yet again with so many others and endured it here thinking of the notion. Perhaps he was a lot more tolerant than he ever gave himself credit for but what remained so very clear was that no matter the amount of tolerance he had towards the pain he still had much to straighten out for himself and that was where he was at. If religion had even the slightest of answers... well... maybe not.
He supposed it was a funny thought. Normally, at least in what he had read, war was where one went to abandon their faith. There was nothing more gruesome and faith killing than watching hell burn life to ashes with no seen intervention from a deity. Maybe there was reason behind a creator sitting idly while his creations died, but maybe he couldn't understand. It made no sense to him to simply give up and let your beings fight for their lives... but maybe the expectation was for them to not be awful to each other to begin with. Maybe the solution relied entirely in themselves. Perhaps there were no gods and perhaps the true demons were the ones they allowed to exist. Given the awful state of the world, he couldn't count out the true demons being themselves.
So what then did Franz believe in? He thought on this as he laid back down and sighed. Well, he believed there was simply life and death. Truth was what you held it to be. Life was... a fight for others... He wasn't so sure if he wanted to retain that belief. It caused him so much pain and so many times over he hated going through the notions when it created so many more issues for him to fight in... but... he couldn't say he regretted it. Nothing felt better than helping someone else and ensuring your own safety through the bonding of others... Maybe that was it. Maybe he just... wanted to feel loved? Maybe he... just wanted forgiveness? He... didn't know and it didn't feel like the time to contemplate it.
Pulling away from the questions of existence he just thought about his friends and wondered why the hell they ever cared about him. Tough as it was he didn't find much reason to the chaos and without a doubt he was going to be facing more of it. He didn't want to lose the people he loved and true to himself he would have rather jumped in the middle of a machine gun to ensure that others survived. At least, they had a shot at true happiness... right? Right?
Doubt riddled the Darcsen's tired and faint soul. All he could do... was rest...
Senja and Anneli
"I hope Franz has been alright since we left him."
"He's a tough one. Maybe hurting, but a warrior like him doesn't give up so easily."
"Hmm... I just wish I could cuddle with him all day. He deserves to know he has people who love him."
"We can't cook and hug at the same time."
"Have you tried? It's fun!"
"You know we can't do that."
"Sorry..."
"Right now we just have to keep moving. Even for as much as I'd like another tug at his pants-"
"Anneli!"
"Huh?" With a light bap the taller woman twitched back.
"That's lewd!"
"Oh my sweet, innocent, daughter... Never change, Senja."
"We... should... Hmm..."
"Something on your mind?"
"Ines."
"Who?"
"The one who- uh- screamed Fr-"
"YESS FRANZ! OOHHH FFUUUUCCK! OOH!" Anneli recited, laughing as Senja hit her arm.
"Ow- What was that for?" Anneli asked, still giggling as Senja showed an endearing look.
"Don't be like that. I don't want there to be any tensions between us. We're friends, not enemies. So please? Be on your best behavior."
"Okay Senji~ Anything for my best friend."
The two hugged briefly and with a skip and a jump they were off to find the Francian Franz seemed to hold dear. Although, Franz had never openly expressed just how close they were, she often caught him taking glances and wishing to be in her company. Something got in the way of that and the little detective supposed that it was probably just Freya.
Senja remembered that day with the gas. She remembered how despite Isaac's strength and Jean's protests that the only thing that calmed the beast, and perhaps the immediate murder of Isaac, was Ines. Her voice, and her voice alone, calmed him. When she touched him she brought Franz to tears. When Ines leaned into him he broke down sobbing as though he had just been pulled out of an inferno and was told that everything would be alright. He spoke in the Imperial dialect he was so traumatized. What a poor thing! This all only meant one thing. There was only one person they could go to to count on helping Franz while Senja worked with Anneli to nurture the boy who was rejecting his meals and spent more time than ever trying to distance himself from everyone else.
The joy filled travel ended as Senja landed with a foot in air and leaned with arms behind her back to take a look around the camp. "She's... not too hard to spot, I hope."
"Knowing what I do about her she's probably off getting hammered."
"Hm?"
"She's a big drinker. Probably parties a lot. Could be found where the degenerates are."
Senja grinned for a moment at Anneli, the woman spotting the grin and rolling her eyes with a smile. "The other kind of degenerate. I'm not sure what he sees in her."
"I'm sure she's kind to him."
"Right, but why chase someone who doesn't love him?"
"Maybe... he just needs friends."
"What he needs is a real woman to take care of him."
"Oh! Anneli, please, don't be mean!"
"I'm just saying that the spot is open and she doesn't want to fill it. Elections are underway, Senja."
With the two walking again Senja couldn't help but be a bit perky as she thought of where she could find Ines at this time of day.
"Hey, Senja."
"Hmm?"
"Why don't you get closer to, Franz?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You're sexy. Anyone would kill to be with a goddess like you."
Senja giggled and fanned her hand at Anneli, simply speeding up to avoid the conversation. "I have my reasons, okay?"
"Mhmm."
After more travel Senja finally stopped with a mental hopscotch and in a sweet, sing song tone, with a smile wide enough to hold a bridge, the short woman called out to Ines.
"Ines!~ Where are you?!~ I want to speak with you!~"