Kyuki

Tinychat!

Not sure if TC is still a thing around here. I might be showing my old age. D; But anywho! I'll just be sitting in there....soo. Any and all are welcome to join me! I'm actually hoping Beatrix and GenghisMike hop on too. http://tinychat.com/neoshinto Also, PLEASEEE? FOR THE PUPPY! :D

My every-once-in-a-while-check-in

So mainly I'm here because I'm procrastinating...

But anyway... what's up peeps?

I couldn't remember the last time I posted in RPG,,, But wow I just looked and that was depressing... Anyway, life has gotten 1000000000000000000000000000000000000 times better since that post. I haven't thought about killing myself since that days. Although things haven't been perfect. If I ignored the bullshit it would seem pretty perfect. In the last four months since I've been here... I opened my own business, fell in love, got a job, went back to school, and was hospitalized several times! :D

To explain in more detail...

The first day I opened the doors of my business. Many people walked back into my life who I had not seen in years. Because they were my brothers friends from the firehouse he was involved in. And since he got married he cut them all out. So I really didn't get the oppurtunity to keep in touch with any of them as I was only 12ish when they stopped coming around. So that was great. But what makes it even better is that one of the guys who used to come around who I had a silly crush on from the time I even knew what it meant to have a crush on someone (I've known him forrrr nine years?) also walked back into my life. Of course, he hadn't seen me other than for five minutes in Wal-Mart one time back in the summer (Where I was too afraid to even talk to him because I realized I really liked him, even now) since I was 12. So I found myself still very much interested in him and again couldn't talk to him out of nerves. So I basically gave him his stuff he ordered and ran away to the backroom to hide from him until he left. Which is humorous because in the past I've never been nervous around guys I liked.So he was talking to my older sister for the majority of his visit. Which sucked for me because also in the past he really liked he and tried to date her but she would never date him because of his appearance. (He was too fat for her basically) So anyway. To cut this beautiful story a little shorter. He started to come in everyday to get food. And he would sit and talk with me for hours until the business closed every night. And after like a week or so after him doing this he asked if I wanted to try some of his cooking. (He's a chef and a really good one) So obviously since everything that happened to me at school I was kind of nervous about going out alone with a guy. But I knew he was a good guy before and I also know I can't live my life in fear. Because that isn't me at all. So the first night we hung out the entire night just talking and I never got home until 5:30 in the morning. For the first time in a long time I was actually happy. So anyway, after that night we became inseparable. Although I was afraid he was only hanging around because he felt sorry for me since I had no friends or anything. So I never really told him my feelings until a couple of weeks of hanging out. And even then it wasn't intentional. I just kind of blurted it out. And it was awful because he became speechless and didn't say anything for the rest of the night. :( (Good news was that I was headed into my house for the night anyway) but after four or five agonizing days of not being sure how he felt. He cooked me dinner and set up a table under candlelight and even had a friend of his serve the food. Just to tell me at the end of the dinner that he liked me back. So boom. That night after everything settled we kissed and he took me home. And the rest is pretty much history from there. We have done a lot of really cool things together. And I've tried a lot of new things because of him. Like new foods and things like that.

I was really happy but after a few weeks my family decided to chime in. So there was a really ugly war among my family. They called him a pedophile. My sister-in-law told my mom that I made up being raped, my sister demanded my mom kick me out of the house, my cousin (who is /actually/ pretty much a pedophile and who has tried several times to violate me and even told me that when I was eight years old and would wear my dance leotard he would just think about how sexy I was) disowned me because after I found out him and his girlfriend who were still on my facebook were feeding the rest of my family who had not been on my facebook... information I threatened to tell everyone about his pedophile tendencies towards me and even threatened to show everyone a lovely picture of his penis he had sent to me. (While he was in a relationship). And I did get kicked out of my house for a couple weeks as a result of my lovely siblings going to war with me. I was living out of my car and sleeping on my boyfriends parents couch... The only reason my mom let me move back in was because I wasn't able to take care of myself well enough since my bills were killing me. So I passed out at work and was in the hospital. So things on that end still are not that great. I haven't seen my nephew in four months. Last time I saw him he told me that his mommy told him that I hated him. So he didn't want much to do with me (Mind you he's only six) But my boyfriend proposed. Except it isn't official because he has fallen on hard times financially and can't afford a ring. And he wants to be able to do it the right way. So there's that.... also a few days ago I was hospitalized again with the possible need for surgery. So I spent a few days in the hospital and just got discharged yesterday; Everything looks okay for now so they won't be doing any surgery. Unless my symptoms come back. In the meantime, just as I suspected. My sister-in-law dumped my sister so my sister finally came around and apologized to me but still won't acknowledge my boyfriend. And it took me being admitted to the hospital for her to even apologize to me. So yeah. My crazy life.

How has everyone else been?

P.S

This is the famous boyfriend mentioned throughout the post. And me of course. :'D

Kind of nervous about this...

Robeatics said
Has there been any news at all yet? If you come to any kind of conclusion or anything else happens, please come here and tell us! This might also serve as a good log for anything that has transpired for later reading.

No news as of now. But I can definitely keep everyone updated.

Kind of nervous about this...

I want to give all of you a huge hug ._. Thank you everyone for being so amazing

Kind of nervous about this...

Wayne said
I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. If you can find a weapon... gun, knife, stick, improvise, make your own weapon, whatever... and you are legally allowed to injure or kill them for the sake of your own self-defense, that's what you should do. If not, and I'm really hesitant to say this because I have trust issues and possible legal problems with the police... get the police in on this. They might be able to help you, because as far as I know you probably don't have shit on your police records like I do.

I like this stick idea.

Drakel said
While being surprised about this happening was stated, the main point I'm trying to get across is that overall you did not deserve any of that and that none of this was your fault. Is sickens me that they did all this to you but it sickens me more that you blamed yourself in any areas of it when it wasn't your fault. You're a nice and kind person and you didn't deserve that at all. You saying you want to kill yourself means you gave up and they win but you're strong Kyuki, you've proven it before and I think you're still in danger even if you keep silent so the best thing you could do is never walk alone again (Be with more family if you can) and fight back against these people and fight hard, else you'll be substance to further abuse from them. We all care about you Kyuki and this makes all your friends here both sad, sick and pissed off. We want you to talk to someone and be safe and currently the choice to be silent isn't safe for you or anyone at all. You have all of our hopes and prayers. I wish you the best luck that anyone could ever possibly have Kyuki. *Hugz*

Thanks, Drakel

Raxacoricofallapatorius said
Oh Kyuki, there's not much I can add other than to affirm what others have already said. All I want to say is empower yourself. Do not blame yourself for any of this, and do not let any of these events make you feel powerless. If you can't get a gun, buy yourself pepper spray and don't be afraid to use that bitch. Press charges, don't back down, if not for your sake then for the sake of other innocent people who have and/or will also become victims of these monsters. You're scared and you have every right to be, but don't let that fear incapacitate you, don't let it dictate your choices or keep you from doing what's right. Get professional help.I think you already know what you have to do, you just need to be brave and do it. If I could help you along the way I would, hold your hand and walk you through it. But you do this. Don't let those worthless animals take away value as a the beautiful and kindhearted human being that you are. Your story brings tears to my eyes, and if I was in your place I don't know if I could be as strong as you are right now. You strong, your are powerless. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that and our hearts are going out to you right now. You are and more than worthy of that love.So keep your head up, be brave and face your fears because you make it through this mess. I'll be praying for you every day, that's a promise. Don't you dare give up, or give in, and don't ever question your worth because of this.

thanks, I do know what I should be doing but what I should and can do are two completely different things. Especially when I'm filled with a lot of doubt myself. Not to mention I'm constantly being told by people in my everyday like that I'm overreacting and that I should just let it go. Because somehow since it has been about two weeks since their last attack that means they haven't done anything in ages.

rpg101 said
Others have said it in far better ways then I can, but you did not deserve any of this. You are one of the kindest and absolute best people I've ever met (real life or online), and in NO way is any of this your fault. Nothing you've done, or even have done, would make anything those bastards did justifiable. You did wrong. You did not bring this upon yourself in any way, and who said you did is wrong. This is not your fault. You need to press charges. Your silence is what they want, and with it they can go on without a consequence and possibly even do this to someone else. Please, show them that you are not going to just let this rest. You deserve to be so much better off, and I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. You are amazing though, and you can still do so much. We are here for you, however we are only a few, unprofessional, people. We can, and support you and stand beside through (if only through text), but professional help may be a good idea if its possible.. All being said, press charges, carry some pepper spray or a tazer, and remember, you are one of the sweetest and smartest people I've met. You get through this.

Thanks, Rpg. I just hope I will get through it. And I don't know how sweet I am because according to them and several other people in my life who like to remind me I'm a selfish bitch.

Kind of nervous about this...

idlehands said
Sometimes people don't know how to react and say really stupid and hurtful things. I'm going to assume this is the case. You had no control over their behavior, the fault lies with the perpertators. Any guilt or 'what ifs' you have, and you will have them, does not mean it is your fault. You're the one who was wronged and you deserve to feel safe and you deserve justice. You are worth the time and effort to see that these people are punished and to see that they don't repeat their behavior towards you or anyone else.

I have a lot of guilt and what ifs for sure... :/ But I get what you are saying.

TheMusketMan said
We got your back, do what you gotta do. Your family will come around, people tend to get angry at people who try to take their own life because they care about them. And if your "friends" don't come around, forget them, they aren't true friends anyway. Above all, keep on keeping on, you're a survivor and soon you'll be a conqueror.-Salutes with a single tear-

Yeah I know my mom is definitely someone I'm not being fair to. I can't imagine how much blame she is putting on herself. As for friends, I barely want to even have any at this point. Because at the end of the day. These seven people who did this were "friends" that I spent hours and hours hanging out with. (Including the guy)

Robeatics said
I'm so, so, so sorry about all that has happened to you. I don't even know what to say except that you have my absolute support and prayer. Please, stay strong and keep fighting. Seek out other survivors and ask them for help, guidance and support as well. I hope those animals get what their kind deserves and I hope you can be helped and healed.

Thank you.

Drakel said
-snip-

It's the craziest thing... what people can hide behind a fake smile. And only drawing on the positives of school. Which was basically just academics. Although I did almost fail one class because of them. (Three of them were in the class with me so when I did go I had to listen to their whispers about me)

Overwatch said
I haven't felt this emotional about someone I don't even know, ever. I've heard of family deaths, among other things, but... I dunno, something about this gets to me. I'm pretty disgusted. Just reading that makes me want to kill something, or set something on fire... I dunno, just... SOMETHING destructive. How could you possibly attribute this to fault of your own? You were just unlucky enough to run into such horrible scum. I just don't really know what to say without yelling at someone. I'd rather not it be you. You seem to be a nice person, form what I've seen, and, nobody I know deserves such treatment. I hope the fuckers burn.

It is pretty disgusting.

Hello Spam

Aww congrats on your baby, Rilla!

Kind of nervous about this...

Sherlock Holmes said
You to press charges. If they have a written confession from the guy himself, it's time to end this and follow through with pressing charges. You're an adult -- you don't need to have your family behind you on this one. It's time to take a stand for yourself, regardless of what they whether they want you to keep quiet or not. By holding your silence, you're allowing this creep (and whoever else is involved) to potentially go do these things to someone else. Be brave -- I can understand how this could all be scary, but it's the right thing to do.

I think I'm going to think about it over the weekend and make a decision first thing Monday morning.

Halo said
"I know I shouldn't give them the satisfaction of taking my life. But it hurts to live. I'm going to be 110 percent honest with everyone here... I blame myself for the rape. I know I'm probably a bitch and that's why they hate me so much. I'm a bad person. They have every reason to do all of this. And I don't want to live being a bad person."No offence, hon, but that's horseshit and deep down you know it. Think of every awful human being you've ever known - bitches, assholes, cruel people and callous people and selfish people. And then think about how many times you assaulted them or raped them. Wait - you didn't do that? That's because you're inherently a decent human being, who, by virtue of the fact that you didn't act that way, believes the awful people did not deserve it. And if the worst people you have ever known do not deserve it, then nobody deserves those things. Nobody, including you.The fact that you didn't do this sort of thing to others automatically makes you a better person than those doing this to you. The fact that you didn't do this sort of thing to others shows that however flawed you may be, you don't deserve this, because you aren't so awful a person as to ever do these terrible things. I barely know you, maybe you aren't the best of people (though I doubt you're all that bad), but deserves to be abused like that. The people doing this are the evil ones. That is fact. You are not a rapist. You are not harassing people across the country. You are not ruining their lives. They are doing those awful things to you. So they are the bad ones. Judge everyone in this situation, including yourself, by their actions relevant to the situation. Who's being attacked? You. You are the victim. So how are you the bad one, how do you deserve it?Reverse this situation, mentally. Imagine you're the one counselling someone else, and they told you what you've just told us. Would you agree with them? Would you think that the abuse they'd been through was their fault? Do you blame the victims you see on the news or hear about in your town, or do you hate the rapists for doing it to them? What about other types of abuse, domestic abuse, physical assault - if I go and punch someone, is it my fault or theirs? You have the same rights and feelings as anyone else, so treat yourself the way you'd treat someone else in your position were the roles reversed. Treat yourself with some empathy. It is very common for rape victims to blame themselves, maybe in an attempt to rationalise, but try to address the facts of the matter: what have you done that makes you so bad as to deserve this, the cruellest of all treatments? Really? Compared to the sick fucks who are actually carrying this out, you're a goddamn angel. You're in the right, here, and they are so in the wrong. They are the ones to blame.

I suppose. I just feel like I could have done more or less.

Halo said
"Yeah... I went from getting into Princeton to being a loser who dropped out of college all together."Dude, you're keeping yourself . That doesn't make you a loser. And college will be waiting after all this is done, after you're safe from these bastards. So will the rest of your very, very bright future. Out of everything I wrote, you cannot focus on that one sentence. Read the rest, please, take it in. Breathe in the support you have here. You cannot twist every positive into a negative, otherwise you just defeat yourself. We're here, we're standing behind you, we're believing in you. And all of that is useless unless you can pull yourself together, and carry on fighting and staying strong. Carry on reporting everything that happens. Press charges. Stay alive. And hold onto hope for a better future, because it's coming. This isn't the rest of your life. This does not define you. Not unless you let it.

I hope it isn't the rest of my life. I wish it wasn't my life now. I wish I could just forget any of it happened.

mdk said
Without enough evidence to arrest, you may still be able to get a . The burden of proof is significantly lower,and it will protect you, legally and otherwise, from unwanted contact.

Yeah I could get one against the one guy. I didn't think of that.

Beatrix said
You can still purchase a handgun yourself and open carry so long as the gun is not loaded and no bullet is in the chamber. Even then, you can still hide a magazine somewhere on your body to quickly load the weapon. Your state has stand your ground laws, so if need be, you will not be arrested or sued if you are defending yourself. It would be good to do a full research on this yourself or even talk to a lawyer. You have a right to defend yourself. And, Kyu, people here love you more than you know. We may not show it all the time, but we are honestly one big huge family. I encourage you to press charges, and see if you can get into a victim/witness protection program as well. And remember: you will always be better than those pricks.

Yeah, I am actually looking into taking some gun safety classes. (Which incorporates self-defense)

scribz said
I'll say this with the utmost frank honesty I can give.You do not and did not deserve what happened to you. Kyuki, please find the help and support you do deserve, because as a community online, while I'm happy to give my full support, our support is limited and it's not the level of support you need <3 I wish you the best, and i'm sorry for everything that happened to you. x

Thanks Scribz. <3

scribz said
I mean fucking hell. That's not just being a sexual predator, that's downright trying to ruin you. They're twisted fucks, and if I could, i'd break them. That's just..that's just not cool.

Well several of them are going to be in London for New Years if you still felt the need to break them.

Rtron said
I vehemently agree with everyone here. The idea that you deserved that happened to you is complete and utter And if you believe you are to blame then you are wrong. I don't care what you think you did. You did not cause any of it. Press charges. Get help. And please, please don't kill yourself. There's always someone who cares, even if it's just a stranger over the internet.I wish I could do more. But all I can do is tell you what others have already said, and let you know that this community cares about you and is here for you. .

This is definitely a very caring community when the going gets rough.

Derpestein said
I think I just lost some of my faith in humanity when reading about what Kyuki has gone through.Then I regained it from everyone banding together like this.Kyuki, press charges and get a restraining order. Learn how to use a gun and get one. Please. Nobody deserves this shit.

RPG has definitely restored some faith for me. And as for the gun I have actually been going to the range and learning to shoot.

Svenn said
Um.. Kinda what scribz was saying, I think you should find more help. Read this carefully, Online relationships are not going to stop you from hurting yourself. As you said your mother had stopped you. I think you should spend a lot of time with your mother and find some friends. The more people you love and that are close to you, the more resisting it will be to end your own life.By all means take what everyone here said into consideration. Please. I wouldn't want to see you end your life with me sitting here doing nothing, but writing words on the screen for you.Just promise us all something okay? You're smart and you know it. Use that brain.

Yeah my mom stopped me but made sure she talked about the family image not two minutes after. And she hasn't spoken to me without an incredible amount of annoyance since. As for anyone else in my life. I almost literally have no one else to talk to my one friend out of the two I have...yelled at me for being stupid enough to try and continue on with school in the first place. Telling me I brought it onto myself.

Kind of nervous about this...

Halo said
Kyuki, you have to continue reporting what's happening. If it has gone this far, it's unlikely to stop by itself. It's better to have the cops on your side, at least. If you don't report it at the time, there's no record of it and they literally cannot do anything. As hard as it is to open up to a complete stranger about everything that's happened to you, you need to report each new thing to them as soon as you can and thus keep an accurate, documented log of the awful shit that's been happening to you. And then, when the fucking bastards slip up, and all the evidence you could possibly have gathered. You can even carry a voice recorder on you, to capture any further incidents. In the meantime, you can get support from the places MDK mentioned. Again, I know it feels you're just going to antagonise these sick people by looking for help, but the exact same people you're going to have all the experience in the world in dealing with cases like this - and in the end, they're probably more powerful and influential than these cunts. They can support you and advise you; they will be on your side, and that's what you need. These people are trying to isolate you because you can't fight them alone. Don't let them. Most importantly, please, do not end your life. There is an end to this. There's no knowing exactly when or on what terms that will be, but it will come. You're ridiculously smart, Kyuki, you could have gone to fucking when you were just seventeen. You will survive, you will heal, and you will live a good life, and you will contribute so much more to society and to the people around you, whoever is lucky enough to have you care for them, than these people ever will. Your future is bright enough to be worth tolerating this darkness. You're worth it; believe that, believe in yourself. Now I sound like a cheesy musical, but it's true.And don't ever be afraid of talking to us. When we fight, it's about the stupidest shit and nobody really means it all that much. Anything serious, and we will all band together. You're one of us; we might not be able to do much practically, but we will always support our own if we can. I think I comfortably speak for almost everyone in saying that.

Yeah... I went from getting into Princeton to being a loser who dropped out of college all together.

Magic Magnum said
I will be totally honest, those people seriously make me want to go over there and mercilessly beat them all to a pulp.I also have to echo what everyone else is saying, get support from the numbers mdk provided. Call the police about this, the very reason those people are threatening you for calling the Police is because they know the Police can stop them from doing it. They're trying to scare you away from beating them, don't let them trick you. And above all else, do kill yourself over this. Not only do you have a full life to live, not only would doing so be letting those people win, but you are better than them. Don't let them ruin your life, this may be the hardest fight in your life but it is a fight that you need to fight, it is a fight you cannot afford to lose, and I'm sure everyone here (me included) are here for you whenever you need it.And also, if you need to talk or vent more about this my PM box is always open. And no this is not the typical "Here's my best hopes, talk to me if you need it" thing, if you need to talk or vent then

I have been in constant contact with the police. Reporting things but they keep telling me they don't have much evidence to make an arrest. Unless I pressed charges for the rape. They have a written statement from the guy that did it admitting to it.