Lemons

Amygdala Circuit

"I'm—"

Quinn cut herself off. She looked up at Besca next to her almost as though she was afraid she'd disappear, then back down to Doctor Follen. "I—"

His smile made her feel safe. His office made her feel safe. They were both so warm and so comforting, and all the pictures were so happy, even if the smiles made the wound in her heart peel open that much more.

She tried again. Her voice was thin and reedy, and she couldn't clear her throat because it hurt too much. She wondered if she should smile. She wondered if she could smile. She tried. She couldn't. "I'm...I'm okay, I guess."

He was nice. He was really nice. His green eyes made her feel—they didn't make her feel good, but they made her feel just a little bit better.

She sniffled. "My...my body—everything hurts, it all hurts. I can't—can't walk on my own, Besca helped me." She opened her mouth again, then closed it. Why was he so nice to her?

He reminded her of Besca. Or of Safie. The word bounced around in her head like an echo chamber. Safie. Safie. Safie.

"And—" she choked up, tears suddenly streaming from her eye again as she pressed her hands against her face, hiding the sound of her crying. She needed to stop crying. "And—" Besca's hand was still on her shoulder. Her warm hand, her caring hand. A minute or so passed, and the sobs faded again. She dropped her hands, staring at them, at the wetness of one and the dryness of the other.

Why?

"A—and Besca said someone put something on my back by mistake, but—" She was crying again. "But she said she'd fix it, and she—"

Why were they all so nice to her?

She was bent nearly double now, sucking breaths in through her teeth. Deep breaths in and out, fighting to keep her muffled voice from breaking again. "She said she—she would m—make it all okay!"

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn nodded. Helplessly.

What else could she do? The thought of Besca leaving at that exact moment—just the thought of not being able to see her—drew a pathetic whimper from her trauma-wracked brain. So she shivered, and nodded.

Besca slid the needles out from her arm—gently, so gently, so unlike the blinding silver sting of Mom and Dad's needles—and when she tried to get out of bed and her legs they ached like fire so much fell out from under her, Besca caught her and stopped her from falling. She reached a hand behind her back and felt the plugs, just like Besca had said. She shivered. But it was fine, right? Besca said she'd fix it. So it would be fine. She leaned against her as she slowly, so slowly, tottered towards the door.

Each step was a trial. An ordeal. A labored breath. They hurt so much, and felt so weak, and the slashes in her feet where metal and glass and broken stone had torn through felt like they were being ripped up again and again. Her mind was suddenly filled with run run run running through the fire and the shadows leaping out behind her their teeth their teeth were sharp and all she could do was run run run run because they were it was they it was HUNTING HER RUN underscored with a high, loud keening that she suddenly realized was her.

She'd stopped moving. Besca was looking at her worriedly, and she looked down at the ground, shamefaced. She wasn't—

No. Besca wouldn't think that way. Besca wouldn't hurt her. Besca would fix it.

With an agonizing pace, she inched towards the door, her legs shaking like rubber underneath her. But every time she fell, Besca caught her underneath the arm and

held her up in the water sink SINK

kept moving forward. She couldn't tell where she was going. Not really. Her vision was still foggy with tears that she still wanted to cry, but her eye hurt too now from crying so much. So she just kept moving with Besca.

Besca was there. Everything would be fine.

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn had been hugged before.

Mom and Dad had hugged her. When she'd felt sick, or where her eye had been had hurt, they would come into her room and hug her. And they loved her, right?

So why didn't those hugs feel like this?

So finally, finally, she released her death grip, and let herself go. Her fevered wailing trickled down to slow, hiccupping sobs as she let herself fall limp into Besca's arms. Deep breaths. She tried. In, out. In, out, three shuddering gasps.

"N—no. No. No. I—"

She put her head in her hands as she started to spiral out of control again. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. "I felt so sick down there, so sick, I couldn't—I—" She swallowed. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

"I don't feel sick anymore. I only hurt—" She lethargically reached her hand up to move up to her heart. It hurt. It hurt more than anything. But she paused. On the back of her hand, there. There was something that should have been there, something that wasn't there anymore, something that she thought was important. She closed her eye, trying to remember. She couldn't.

So she finished the motion, opening her eye and clutching her hand tight over her chest. "—here. My heart hurts. I don't—I don't—"

The tide of her tears, so recently stemmed, began to flow again. The hand tightened more, fingernails digging into the hospital gown. Besca's hand stroked her hair, and her voice grew thick. She could hardly speak over the lump in her throat, but she took a deep breath in, then a deep breath out, and tried again.

"I...I just...I just..." She hiccupped again, fighting to get the words out until finally they rushed out with a renewed flow of tears and let her head fall back on her pillow. "I just wanted to see the fireworks with Safie. She was going to—"

And then she couldn't talk anymore.

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn felt a hand on her shoulder. A comforting hand. A warm hand. Through her tear-clogged, blurry vision, she saw Besca. Just like during the interview, talking to her gently, so gently. She barely heard the words, but she didn't need to. Just the voice was enough. And then just like that, she was up again, hurting so much, but wrapping her arms around Besca like the last refuge in a tornado while she cried. She tried to breathe deep. She couldn't. All she could do was grab her. And all at once—at last—she finally found her voice.

"Oh god oh god it was horrible all the blood and the bodies and the black lake and the water and everything was BURNING Besca it was all burning," she rambled, a tidal wave of words rolling over her. "And the things chasing and the eyes it was HUNTING me, and then all the noise, the noise and the voices and I needed to RUN, I needed to RUN and RUN and RUN and even though I ran I couldn't get away, and Safie oh god oh god oh god Safie OH GOD—"

She let out a hacking cough as tears drowned her out again. She felt like someone had taken a knife to her feet. Her throat felt like it had boiled, what had happened to it? Why did it hurt so much? But she just kept going, she couldn't stop, it got worse and worse and her panic grew and grew as memories started to smear together in her mind like mixing paints.

"Don't send me back!" She was screaming again, hysterical, the panic gripping her legs again and this time she didn't have the strength to fight it off. "I don't want to go back I don't want to go back don't put me back!"

She felt her whole body shaking and shivering, she could barely hold on to Besca so she just gripped her tighter around the waist and squeezed like her world was falling apart. She was breathing so hard and fast she was dizzy, and her stomach was tied up in knots but different knots than before. For a moment she only breathed.

Then she wrenched in one last desperate breath and shrieked, louder than any noise that had ever come out of her mouth, and tears were freely rolling down her face now and dribbling to the floor:

"DON'T LEAVE ME!"

Amygdala Circuit

Beep

Beep

Beep

It was so quiet.

Beep

Beep

Beep

Just the beeps. They beat along with her heart. Beep. Thump. Beep. Thump. Beep. Thump.

Her eye fluttered. Light filtered in. Bright light. Brilliant light. Like sunshine on a lake.

She was lying down, looking up at the ceiling. Everything hurt. Everything hurt. It all hurt. Besca was there, she saw. Besca. Why was Besca there? She let her eye slide closed again. Why was she there?

Her thoughts crept through her head like molasses and honey. Besca. Sunlight. Besca. White walls. The interview. They were supposed to go down to the lake soon, weren't they? They were going to meet Besca's friends, right? They were going to see Safie—

_Safie.

bright sunshine off the lake glinting LIKE METAL fishing rods whipping back and forth laughing and water sunshine sunshine smile clear water sweet water melonberry WHY

Safie.

nighttime fire black water black lake bubbling a sun that looked at her the one with the glowy chains there saved her helped her held her up in the water shoulders no head moving away crumpled body crumpled in the fire WHY THEM and the black and the bubbling blood and the bubbling lake and the bubbling moon and WHY NOT HER

She breathed in halfway before her breath locked itself in her throat.

SAFIE!!!!

Her eye snapped open, wide and panicked and unseeing. Tears streamed from it. Beep. Beep. Beep beep

She arched her back. She hurt. She hurt she hurt she hurt. Everything hurt hurt hurt.

beep beep beepbeep

She pulled her hands over her head.

beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Quinnlash screamed, raw and animal and deep in her throat. When she ran out of breath, she screamed again, and again, and didn't stop until her throat hurt too much, when they dissolved into weak sobs, through which she could only choke out:

"...I'm sorry...! I'm sorry...! I'm sorry...!"

Amygdala Circuit

The voice was finally quiet. Quinn could hear herself think.

But she wished she couldn't.

The elevator was burning. The lake was burning. The town was burning. Everything was burning.

Safie's Savior was burning.

As the cataclysm behind her fell away, she couldn't do what Daz said. The scene held her gaze, fires reflected in her wide, glazed eye.

At some point she'd found her voice, and she slowly became aware she was gibbering, more scratch than voice. "Is Safie—Safie isn't—where's—is she—she's—tell me she's—" The headless wreck of Jubilee was still visible over the wreckage of Hovvi.

Her voice broke, air hissing out with no rhyme or reason. She couldn't talk anymore. Her throat hurt. Her legs hurt. Her feet hurt. Her head hurt. Her tummy hurt. It all hurt.

As she watched, something streaked towards Hovvi—what used to be Hovvi—from above. She couldn't tell. Her vision had gone blurry, and darkness was creeping around the edges. She couldn't watch anymore. But she could still smell. The boat. The spreading pool. The lake's water. Smoke, dust, burning. Her water, bitter and cloying and awful and cruel.

She couldn't talk anymore. But that didn't mean there were no sounds she could make.

She buried her head in the crook of Daz's neck and wailed. Over. And over. And over.

The darkness swallowed her. She could tell, even without seeing.

At some point, the wails stopped.

So did she.

Amygdala Circuit

Quinnlash wanted to cry, but she didn't have the tears.

She wanted to talk, but she didn't have the words.

She wanted to scream, but she didn't have the breath.

All she could do as the giant bore down on her out of the darkness was stare.

quinnlash

Her limbs were locked again.

Quinnlash

Her legs ached. Her feet hurt so much. Everything hurt.

QUINNLASH GET

She was so tired. So tired. She wanted to just lie down and rest lie down and fall—

QUINNLASH!!!! GET!!!! OFF!!!!

She nearly fell when she took a step. The thoom, thoom, thoom of the Savior racing closer pounded in her ears like the thump, thump, thump of her heartbeat.

The soldier cried out to her, but she couldn't hear him clearly, not over the thoom and the thump and the noise that filled up her head with a sound like static. All she knew was that she had to run again, get off, get away and she knew it in her blood she knew it in her bones she knew it in her whole body she needed to leave leave leave leave get out of this place the elevator there wasn't safety it wasn't safe she would DIE she knew it

So she dragged herself—half upright, half awake, half alive—away from the nice soldier at the anchor and the thudding certainty in all of her that something was wrong. She was almost insensate and her face had gone as white as the watching moon as everything in her S C R E A A M E E D at her to get away. She didn't know why or why or why or why but she just knew she needed to needed needed needed she needed to GET AWAY QUINNLASH LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE

Her heart pounded in her ears, thump thump thump

The noise pounded in her head, leave leave leave

The footsteps pounded on the road, thoom thoom thoom THOOM THOOM THOOM THOOM THOOM—

Then there was a sound like a hurricane and a thundercrack as the giant slammed against the superstructure, ripping aside trucks and transports and people too with all the care of a child playing with blocks. She stumbled back as the whole world quaked around her. For just a moment, the voice was silent.

Her throat was absolutely ruined. Almost nothing could come out of it. The sky was falling. Her breath wouldn't come. Words wouldn't come. Who would hear her scream? What could she talk to? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothingnothingnothingnothingnothing.

So she didn't try.

All Quinnlash could do was curl up, close her eye, and cry.

Amygdala Circuit

The cannon loomed.

Quinnlash stared up at it, tripping, lurching, falling forward step by step. She tried to keep her eye on the elevator and keep running running it SEES you Quinnlash you need to runrunrun but it blazed like fire and sunlight and she reached up to shield her eye as she kept runningRUNNING QUINNLASH RUN IT'S HUNTING IT'S HUNTING YOU QUINNLASH RUN

There was no running she couldn't RUN there she couldn't runnnnnnnn. She'd heard the sound of the cannon, she'd seen the stream of annihilation pouring from it as it blazed and flashed against the bottom of the clouds and turned the sky into hellfire. She was nothing in front of it but still it was hunting her and she was running Quinnlash run it KNOWS YOU! But there was no running. The light was blinding. She knew she knew she KNEW she was about to die.

Then there was a FL A SHHH H———

The cannon was hurled away. She almost couldn't see for a second, afterimages of the burning light in her vision as a Savior with big glow-y chains—

Watch for the one with the big, glow-y chains, that’s me.

It was Safie.

Oh no no no no no it was Safie she couldn't be here she wasn't RUNNING QUINNLASH YOU NEED TO she was going to be hurt but run RUN it's still looking for she can't hold it it's going to HUNT you HUNT you you need to RUN RUN RUNRUN

She kept running. The elevator shaft blinked with bright cherry light that came closer to the ground every second. She needed to run or else she wouldn't make it and it would find her and Besca was up there and she would keep her safe she would protect her she would know what to do why there was so much noise in her head why she needed to run RUN RUN!!!!

The titans clashed above her. Her legs felt like they would give out any second. Her vision felt like it was closing in. Her throat felt like it was bleeding and there was a strange taste leaking down it and she didn't know why any of this was happening or what she was doing here why she couldn't stop the voice.

The elevator couldn't be far now. It couldn't. It just couldn't. It couldn't it couldn't it couldn't.

She kept running.

Amygdala Circuit

"Quinnlash, the exit...go! Outside, go! I'm right behind you!"

She blinked. Blinked. She heard the words, but there were so many sounds, so many sounds, so many sounds so many sounds so many so many—

"Now! Run!"

RUN QUINNLASH! RUN QUINNLASH RUN RUN! RUNRUNRUNYOUNEEDTORUNNOWNOWNOWRUN

The world was falling apart around her. Metal and dust and glass, smash smash smash. Her eye focused again. Her other eye—no there wasn't an eye there—stopped hurting. Run. Run. RUN.

She ran.

Clicking chittering sounds came from all around her and the pinging of bullets turned into a firestorm. More and more thi ng s around her turned into a clinging black goo that splattered across the ceiling and walls. She twitched again. It smelled like—it smelled like—it smelled—it was familiar somehow but she didn't know what it was she just didn't she didn't know but it smelled

She kept RUNning RUN

She slammed through the exit door, setting the alarm a-ringing as she careened into the night. All around her, the world had turned into chaos. Soldiers shot. People ran. HUNGRY black things clicked and hissed and jumped and died and kept coming coming coming coming coming for her for her ignore everything else ignore it all it isn't important was Daz there no no no ignore it keep running RUN QUINNLASH YOU NEED TO RUN NOW RUN RUN RUNRUNRUN

She kept running. She fixed her eye on the giant elevator shaft and kept run kept running, stumbling and fumbling past screaming blackness and screaming people and the bloom of fire and crack crack crack of gunshots. She kept running and running until she couldn't runrunRUNRUNRUN anymore, crumpling to her hands and knees again again against the side of a building, hacking and coughing. Her acid-burnt throat hurt more now, each breath she heaved in and out like sand poured through her mouth.

She put her hand against the smooth brick wall, staggering to her feet and looking up at the elevator again. How close was it now?

It seemed like it had barely gotten any closer. She stared at it with cloying dismay. She would never get there. Never. Never. But still, she kept going, hobbling along the wall, each step a knife to her neck. She had to. She had to get there she needed to Besca would protect her she would she would she lwould shewould shewoudll keep hersafesafe safe safsafes afesss fese safef sfae safffeafe—

Amygdala Circuit

QUINNLASH

QUINNLASH

"Quinnlash!"

QUINN LASH

Eye wide, twitching and scared and streaming with tears, Quinnlash stared at the ink-black thing that she could feel looking at her it had no eyes but she still felt it it was looking it was hungry.

She wanted to move so badly she wanted to runRUN QUINNLASH RUN but she couldn't.

She couldn't.

She felt it looking at her.

She felt its claws clicking clicking on the shelf that Daz was under

She felt its hunger and—and—and—

She felt another hunger it was looking at her but it was looking at the thing too it was it was it was inside her I was inside her inside looking out looking in looking out looking—

She couldn't.

She was frozen frozen frozen, her head was full of noise she was afraid and she couldn't move and she—

She stared. She stared with her one gazing glaring hungry eye she stared I stared

Daz said something but she couldn't hear through the cottony noise in her head. She kept staring. A faint catch of her voice leaked from her throat, the faintest catch of her HER voice not the voice her voice hervoice her own voice and she—

She stared.

She I saw.

She SHE felt.

Her HER mouth opened.

And she SHE sheSHE I screamed.