Well god gee dang, I do love her and that personality is going to gel really strangely with Aoife's. Excited.
Lemons
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Resident Of The Bargain Bin
STATUS: I've been on this stupid site for an entire decade now and it's been fantastic, thank you all so much 5 mos ago
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I've been on this stupid site for an entire decade now and it's been fantastic, thank you all so much
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2 yrs ago
Nine years seems a lot longer than it feels.
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Ninety-nine bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles of bottles on the wall
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Biting Spider Writing
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They will look for him from the white tower...but he will not return, from mountains or from sea...
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Most Recent Posts
It took more than a few moments for Quinn to collect herself enough to lift her face from her knees. The eyepatch was still settled on her face, but it was noticeably out of position, had clearly been shifted around a bit. It took some more time to collect herself even after lifting her face enough to reply; and when she did, her voice was thin and reedy and filled with a deep, cold, miserable confusion as she battled to force the words out of her throat.
"I--"
"Deelie, I--I looked...felt, I...I..." She swallowed hard, like she could gulp the lump back down her throat as tears still leaked from her eye. "...I, under my eyepatch, I, I felt it, I--." The words decayed into rambling static, then lapsed into silence, as she tried and failed to keep a hold on herself, to stabilize all the emotions rampaging through her. She took a deep breath, then: one, two, three. Just focus on that. Focus on the breathing. Don't focus on anything else, just the breathing. It took her well over a minute of just shuddering against the wall to finally resume what she'd been saying.
"I...felt under my eyepatch for, for the first time ever" She was slowly beginning to uncurl as she grew slightly--slightly--calmer."Roaki looked at it. It's...It's--"
A part of her didn't want to say it. Like saying it would make it real. But that was stupid kid thinking. It was real, and nothing she could do would make it any less so. But even so, her voice dropped to a pained whisper, still cut with tears.
"Why? Why?" She reached up to her hair, yanking at her bangs as her voice grew once again heavily agitated. "Why didn't he tell me, Deelie?"
By the time she finished, she was almost yelling:
"Does he hate me?"
"I--"
"Deelie, I--I looked...felt, I...I..." She swallowed hard, like she could gulp the lump back down her throat as tears still leaked from her eye. "...I, under my eyepatch, I, I felt it, I--." The words decayed into rambling static, then lapsed into silence, as she tried and failed to keep a hold on herself, to stabilize all the emotions rampaging through her. She took a deep breath, then: one, two, three. Just focus on that. Focus on the breathing. Don't focus on anything else, just the breathing. It took her well over a minute of just shuddering against the wall to finally resume what she'd been saying.
"I...felt under my eyepatch for, for the first time ever" She was slowly beginning to uncurl as she grew slightly--slightly--calmer."Roaki looked at it. It's...It's--"
A part of her didn't want to say it. Like saying it would make it real. But that was stupid kid thinking. It was real, and nothing she could do would make it any less so. But even so, her voice dropped to a pained whisper, still cut with tears.
"Why? Why?" She reached up to her hair, yanking at her bangs as her voice grew once again heavily agitated. "Why didn't he tell me, Deelie?"
By the time she finished, she was almost yelling:
"Does he hate me?"
"Wow, really? Yeah, I'll give you so many leeks you can't even carry all of 'em! Thanks a ton, Mi-chan!"
After holding the warm smile, she gave a little pout, though that smile kept shining through her eyes even still. "You're sure you won't come to the festival?" Haruhi had heard rumors about Mio; she had heard plenty of whispers about the girl whenever she'd been around her in the village. She hadn't really paid enough attention to figure it out and didn't really like listening to whispers and rumors to begin with, but that didn't mean they weren't there, and in the case of Mio they definitely were. So Haruhi well understood the misgivings that Mio had. When was the last time she'd seen her at the festival...? It was hard to even remember, it was so long ago.
All that being said...
"Are you suuuure you won't come to the festival?"
...That didn't mean Haruhi had to like the rumors, and she definitely didn't need to accept them.
"You can just spend it with me if you want! I can't introduce you to Fuyucchi since she'll be busy, but we can definitely have fun, I promise!"
Haruhi wasn't exactly sure why she--well, she was. She just...felt so bad for Mio, and though Haruhi couldn't quite place what it was--she was always calm, after all--there was something about her that always seemed so unutterably sad. And Haruhi didn't like seeing people sad.
"So? Whaddaya say?"
Interactions: Mio @McMolly
At Roaki's suggestion, Quinn jerked her head up and a funny kind of queasy nauseated look emerged on her face as everything inside her tried to reconcile what was going on, and the emotions that she was struggling to suppress fought her control harder. A sudden alien feeling from within her didn't help matters any; a bristling distrust, a girl on edge. It hardly did anything to clarify to Quinn what she should do. Though, she certainly knew what she wasn't going to do; carry out horrible violence on Doctor Follen for something that she had very little knowledge of. As suspicious as she was, there was a part of her that knew, deep down, that he was a good person.
...Right?
A moment later she realized that she'd thought that with a question mark. And it was that thought that finally did it, that pushed her over the edge; that brief moment, that split second of doubt. Doctor Follen had been one of her few fixed points on the Aerie, one of the few people that she'd known implicitly that she could trust with absolutely anything. That she had trusted with just about anything. All of the sadness, all of the uncertainty, that had come with her position; all of the deeply personal things that she sometimes even felt scared to tell Dahlia.
So how could she doubt him?
That control that she'd given her level best to exert over her feelings, so tenuous now, finally cracked and broke, and she felt hot tears of confusion and grief welling up in her eye. She curled in the corner where the mattress met the walls and pulled her knees up to her chest, then rested her face against them as tears and muffled sobs seeped out of her. And suddenly, shame joined the rest of the awful things going on in her head:
She didn't want Roaki to see her cry.
...Right?
A moment later she realized that she'd thought that with a question mark. And it was that thought that finally did it, that pushed her over the edge; that brief moment, that split second of doubt. Doctor Follen had been one of her few fixed points on the Aerie, one of the few people that she'd known implicitly that she could trust with absolutely anything. That she had trusted with just about anything. All of the sadness, all of the uncertainty, that had come with her position; all of the deeply personal things that she sometimes even felt scared to tell Dahlia.
So how could she doubt him?
That control that she'd given her level best to exert over her feelings, so tenuous now, finally cracked and broke, and she felt hot tears of confusion and grief welling up in her eye. She curled in the corner where the mattress met the walls and pulled her knees up to her chest, then rested her face against them as tears and muffled sobs seeped out of her. And suddenly, shame joined the rest of the awful things going on in her head:
She didn't want Roaki to see her cry.
Quinn flinched as Roaki reached once again into her face, tapping against the fragment of metal once again. She resisted the urge to twitch at the odd sensation, but she was busy thinking anyway. Thinking about how she ended up with modium in her head. And, more importantly, Roaki was right. It was...weird. She'd never experienced the disastrous effects of modium herself, but she'd seen Dahlia in pain from growths; she'd learned that she'd needed to get her eyes replaced because of them. Even just looking at Roaki was proof that it was dangerous and aggressive.
So if so, then...how was it just...sitting there? If it really had been responsible for the loss of her eye, then it would have been there for years. And that didn't happen. Modium didn't just sit there. So now not only was she very upset, she was upset and confused.
"Maybe it’s not really modium? Has that freak doctor seen it yet?"
Quinn opened her mouth to reply, then...closed it again. Stilled.
"I guess...I guess he would've had to, since he's the one who..." He's the one that did the modioscory on me. Doctor Follen would've had to see it, wouldn't he? It was the only thing that made sense. Which...made even less sense, because if Quinn had really carried a piece of modium in her head since she was a kid, then that made being a pilot absurdly dangerous, right? Horrifically so, the second she got into the Savior she could've exploded into a pile of metal tumors. So...
She sighed heavily and dropped her head, tightening her teeth as she locked her emotions down so they didn't carry her away with them. Besca. She could ask Besca about it. About him.
So if so, then...how was it just...sitting there? If it really had been responsible for the loss of her eye, then it would have been there for years. And that didn't happen. Modium didn't just sit there. So now not only was she very upset, she was upset and confused.
"Maybe it’s not really modium? Has that freak doctor seen it yet?"
Quinn opened her mouth to reply, then...closed it again. Stilled.
"I guess...I guess he would've had to, since he's the one who..." He's the one that did the modioscory on me. Doctor Follen would've had to see it, wouldn't he? It was the only thing that made sense. Which...made even less sense, because if Quinn had really carried a piece of modium in her head since she was a kid, then that made being a pilot absurdly dangerous, right? Horrifically so, the second she got into the Savior she could've exploded into a pile of metal tumors. So...
She sighed heavily and dropped her head, tightening her teeth as she locked her emotions down so they didn't carry her away with them. Besca. She could ask Besca about it. About him.
Quinn held her breath, holding still as she could, as Roaki poked her finger into her mangled eye socket. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable experience, but it was an old, old wound now; it was mostly just scar and skin, not much pain to be found there. Then Roaki muttered something in Helburkan. Quinn jerked slightly. "Did you get shot in the face? Did I miss you getting shot in the face?" She opened her mouth to say that no, she had not actually been shot in the face, that was not what had happened, when Roaki leaned over to grab a penlight. She shone it into the eye socket. Then she spoke. "That…it looks like modium."
Modium.
Modium.
Of course it had been modium.
A part of Quinn wanted to scream, and another part of her wanted to laugh. Instead she clenched her hands into tight fists, once, twist, three times, four, focusing on the feeling of her fingernails digging hard into her palms as she tried to clamp down on her rising hysteria. A mocking voice hissed inside of her, cast through time, telling her that it was because she'd looked outside. But no, it had been modium all along, that goddamn modium collecting in her and finding a way out in her fucking eye.
She thought back to when she'd taken her eyepatch off for Dahlia, right after the duel, and the pale-faced fervent fury that she'd displayed. She hadn't thought much of it at the time, but looking back, well, it all made sense now, didn't it? She'd seen it. She must've. She'd seen it and she'd been enraged on Quinn's behalf. Everything fell into place there now.
"Oi, deadgirl, when'd you lose this?"
"I dunno," she muttered, voice shaking, as she tried as hard as she could to keep herself calm and not lose her mind, "four or five years ago?"
Modium.
Modium.
Of course it had been modium.
A part of Quinn wanted to scream, and another part of her wanted to laugh. Instead she clenched her hands into tight fists, once, twist, three times, four, focusing on the feeling of her fingernails digging hard into her palms as she tried to clamp down on her rising hysteria. A mocking voice hissed inside of her, cast through time, telling her that it was because she'd looked outside. But no, it had been modium all along, that goddamn modium collecting in her and finding a way out in her fucking eye.
She thought back to when she'd taken her eyepatch off for Dahlia, right after the duel, and the pale-faced fervent fury that she'd displayed. She hadn't thought much of it at the time, but looking back, well, it all made sense now, didn't it? She'd seen it. She must've. She'd seen it and she'd been enraged on Quinn's behalf. Everything fell into place there now.
"Oi, deadgirl, when'd you lose this?"
"I dunno," she muttered, voice shaking, as she tried as hard as she could to keep herself calm and not lose her mind, "four or five years ago?"
Seven and Ash Girl do be having the most polarized infection statuses lmao
Roaki's enthusiasm really was infectious, wasn't it?
From her position lying limp on the mattress, she got an excellent firsthand view of the girl being unbelievably animated. Or, unbelievable a few days ago. And even though it had barely been any time at all, it was hard to even remember the half-dead girl that had only stared into the false half-light of a faux window, looking at how she was now. Quinn sat up against the wall, watching her go on and taking a certain amount of pride in it. The world had fought her, and she'd won. They both had.
After some time, though, Quinn felt her tiredness creeping up on her, and relaxed against the wall, she cut her mind loose to wander, letting herself think about what had happened just after she'd gotten out of her savior, and what had happened just after that. She hadn't been able to unpack it at all, really. The cheering, the clapping, the Dahlia hug--she smiled unconsciously--and then...
Then...
Quinn frowned.
Right. Doctor Follen. That weird sound the metal tapper thing had made. She'd been so caught up in the mess that was press release--awful, don't think about it, remember? Don't think about it--that she hadn't considered it at all. The metal sound, scraping where her eye used to be. A deep distress was steadily building in her gut. Almost unwillingly, she lifted her hand. It shook, but held, as for the first time in her entire life, or...since she was...eleven? She thought? For the first time since then, she reached under her eyepatch, and allowed herself to feel around the eye socket.
It was all tough scar tissue. Tough, hard, almost numb to the touch, rippling out from the center. Her fingers crept over the edge of her ocular bone, and almost fighting against herself, she forced them onwards, despite a deep and elemental fear that pushed her backwards.
Ridged skin. Wrinkled scars. And--
Something solid. Pointy.
Metal.
She cannoned up, all relaxation forgotten and her heart in her throat. Her fingers lay on the object, almost petrified. A bone-deep dread began to build in her.
"Roaki," she choked out through a trembling, half-strangled throat, hesitantly lifting her fingers and the eyepatch out of the way, "what's...what's in my eye?"
From her position lying limp on the mattress, she got an excellent firsthand view of the girl being unbelievably animated. Or, unbelievable a few days ago. And even though it had barely been any time at all, it was hard to even remember the half-dead girl that had only stared into the false half-light of a faux window, looking at how she was now. Quinn sat up against the wall, watching her go on and taking a certain amount of pride in it. The world had fought her, and she'd won. They both had.
After some time, though, Quinn felt her tiredness creeping up on her, and relaxed against the wall, she cut her mind loose to wander, letting herself think about what had happened just after she'd gotten out of her savior, and what had happened just after that. She hadn't been able to unpack it at all, really. The cheering, the clapping, the Dahlia hug--she smiled unconsciously--and then...
Then...
Quinn frowned.
Right. Doctor Follen. That weird sound the metal tapper thing had made. She'd been so caught up in the mess that was press release--awful, don't think about it, remember? Don't think about it--that she hadn't considered it at all. The metal sound, scraping where her eye used to be. A deep distress was steadily building in her gut. Almost unwillingly, she lifted her hand. It shook, but held, as for the first time in her entire life, or...since she was...eleven? She thought? For the first time since then, she reached under her eyepatch, and allowed herself to feel around the eye socket.
It was all tough scar tissue. Tough, hard, almost numb to the touch, rippling out from the center. Her fingers crept over the edge of her ocular bone, and almost fighting against herself, she forced them onwards, despite a deep and elemental fear that pushed her backwards.
Ridged skin. Wrinkled scars. And--
Something solid. Pointy.
Metal.
She cannoned up, all relaxation forgotten and her heart in her throat. Her fingers lay on the object, almost petrified. A bone-deep dread began to build in her.
"Roaki," she choked out through a trembling, half-strangled throat, hesitantly lifting her fingers and the eyepatch out of the way, "what's...what's in my eye?"
There wasn't a lot that could get Quinn's mind off of whatever she was thinking about, no matter what it was, more than talking to Roaki. Really, just being near her at all made Quinn feel better about herself: the girl had basically come back to life, she was so much more vital and energetic about everything. Quinn had agonized over shattering the treaty with Casoban, but talking with Roaki always reaffirmed that despite the entire world telling her not to, she had done the right thing.
Even as she entered and heard Roaki (very loudly) call her deadgirl, she felt her face almost unwillingly twist into a faint grin. Though she'd first heard the nickname in rather...unpleasant circumstances, it had in relatively short order become almost affectionate; something like Deelie. Quinn didn't really have one of those--well, she had, but she hadn't heard it in a long time and was more than happy to never hear it again--so it was a novel experience to have a friend give her one. She followed after Roaki, letting herself drop limp to the low mattress, content to watch and listen to Roaki. She was just...so exceedingly tired. But even so, she felt that same faint glow inside of her when Roaki so excitedly mimed her movements.
"I dunno," she commented almost offhanded, "I'm pretty partial to my cannon." She wasn't telling the whole truth, obviously; though she'd grown less skittish of it through consistent use, the memory of Hovvi wouldn't be quashed so easily, and it did still evoke a bubbling unease in her gut. But looking back on the phase blast that had annihilated the cannoneer on a molecular level, she felt that same feeling of vicious satisfaction well up from deep within--but at the same time, not of--her.
The cannon was okay, she guessed.
A moment passed before the vague grin grew into something resembling a real smile, and she mimed holding the weapon in question. "I don't even need to use the trigger anymore!"
Even as she entered and heard Roaki (very loudly) call her deadgirl, she felt her face almost unwillingly twist into a faint grin. Though she'd first heard the nickname in rather...unpleasant circumstances, it had in relatively short order become almost affectionate; something like Deelie. Quinn didn't really have one of those--well, she had, but she hadn't heard it in a long time and was more than happy to never hear it again--so it was a novel experience to have a friend give her one. She followed after Roaki, letting herself drop limp to the low mattress, content to watch and listen to Roaki. She was just...so exceedingly tired. But even so, she felt that same faint glow inside of her when Roaki so excitedly mimed her movements.
"I dunno," she commented almost offhanded, "I'm pretty partial to my cannon." She wasn't telling the whole truth, obviously; though she'd grown less skittish of it through consistent use, the memory of Hovvi wouldn't be quashed so easily, and it did still evoke a bubbling unease in her gut. But looking back on the phase blast that had annihilated the cannoneer on a molecular level, she felt that same feeling of vicious satisfaction well up from deep within--but at the same time, not of--her.
The cannon was okay, she guessed.
A moment passed before the vague grin grew into something resembling a real smile, and she mimed holding the weapon in question. "I don't even need to use the trigger anymore!"
Quinn let herself calm down, and slow down, as soon as Besca rested her arms on her back. Nothing, nothing, calmed her down quite like hugging Besca. Her shuddering breaths relaxed into something...well, more stable, at least, and the arms around Besca loosened so that they weren't shaking with how hard they were gripping. Besca was there. Besca was there. Everything was...well, not okay, but better than it could've been, and didn't that matter a whole lot these days?
Finally, at that level of calmish, she managed to listen to Besca, and really appreciate what she said. Go back to the dorms, and just...rest.
...Rest sounded really good, right about now. Maybe if she'd rested before she'd given a statement, she wouldn't have--
Don't think about it, remember?
It wasn't going to be easy to shut the thoughts out, but she would do her absolute best. Because she had beaten a lot of monsters. And she had come home. No matter what, she had to remember that. Maybe she wasn't--
Nuh-uh, don't think about it. You're alive! Everyone's alive! So she finally pulled away from Besca, wiped her eye, and tried to manage a shaky smile. "Uh-huh. I'll...I'll try." With that, she aimed her way at the door Besca had pointed to, turned around one more time to look at the two of them, and slid out.
Eyes followed her. She was being stared out. She dropped her head and moved quickly, ignoring the occasional heckles or questions. She moved quickly and quietly out of a sense of both guilt and fear, and it wasn't long until she arrived at the dorm. She left the TV off, went to flop down on the couch.
She paused, then moved past it to one of the dorm doors, which--after some hesitation--she knocked on.
"Hey, Roaki, can I come in?"
Finally, at that level of calmish, she managed to listen to Besca, and really appreciate what she said. Go back to the dorms, and just...rest.
...Rest sounded really good, right about now. Maybe if she'd rested before she'd given a statement, she wouldn't have--
Don't think about it, remember?
It wasn't going to be easy to shut the thoughts out, but she would do her absolute best. Because she had beaten a lot of monsters. And she had come home. No matter what, she had to remember that. Maybe she wasn't--
Nuh-uh, don't think about it. You're alive! Everyone's alive! So she finally pulled away from Besca, wiped her eye, and tried to manage a shaky smile. "Uh-huh. I'll...I'll try." With that, she aimed her way at the door Besca had pointed to, turned around one more time to look at the two of them, and slid out.
Eyes followed her. She was being stared out. She dropped her head and moved quickly, ignoring the occasional heckles or questions. She moved quickly and quietly out of a sense of both guilt and fear, and it wasn't long until she arrived at the dorm. She left the TV off, went to flop down on the couch.
She paused, then moved past it to one of the dorm doors, which--after some hesitation--she knocked on.
"Hey, Roaki, can I come in?"
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