Loksfjoer

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

@Frizan, you didn't vote. I don't know if you did for other contests, but if you usually don't then you could act as a tie-breaker when it's needed.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

My feedback is usually based on the story as a whole and the experience of me as the reader, but if I do notice grammar mistakes I will share them.
I have to say it's not easy to give a vote. There were things I liked in all entries and there were things I didn't like.

Nomen

Kudos for originality, I don't think I ever read a story like this.
It was hard to understand at first, but once I got used to the style it turned out to be an enjoyable story, which kept the reader as curious about the name as the main character.

It was hard to understand what was really going on though, or what had happened, since we only saw the world through the eyes of Nomen, whoever that is. And that's a kind of closure we never got. The story ended and the reader still doesn't know who or what it is.
We also didn't find out what happened, but I didn't mind.
You have a good ending, that last sentence is powerful.
What I would have liked was a reflective surface incorporated somewhere when Nomen reached the facility, so we can get a glimpse of what it looks like and form an image. Right now Nomen is still a blur, it could be a human, a robot, Frankensteins monster. Although human isn't likely because other humans didn't know what it was.

“Say, ‘Yes,’ and we can stay here forever.”

That was lovely. The way you described both the scenery and the appearance, gestures and mimic of the characters was really good. It was slow paced, but not too slow. The story took its time and allowed the reader to enjoy the travel, the scenery and the interaction between the characters. Questions about who these people were and why they wanted to climb the moment keeps readers interested.
While there were some things odd things happening, like how neither ate or drank during the travel, it didn't prepare me for what was really going on.

This is my personal opinion, but I'm not too fond of the ending. Of course it being personal I'm not asking you to change it. I dislike open endings like this. There is a really important decision to be made and Matthias doesn't make it. The story just ends.
I know that open endings are for the reader to fill in for themselves, some people like them, others don't. I'm one of the people want to read the full story, with either Matthias waking up or being happy with Cassie.
I don't mind them when it's obvious there is a follow-up, but since you put 'fin' at the end, the story stops there and I'm sitting here, staring at the sentence, wondering what Matthias chose.

Grammar-wise there is one thing I noticed: you often use the passive past tense instead of the active. You write 'he was doing', when you can use 'he did' instead. I'm not exactly sure about the rule here, but I think it has something to do with someone doing something is active, but when something is being done to someone/something then it's passive.

I'll give a few examples:
"Her gaze fell back to the grass, where Matthias was sitting", you can use 'where Matthias sat'
"A distorted impatience was driving her", you can use 'drove her'
"told him whatever he was feeling", you can use 'whatever he felt'

All three are from the same paragraph, which made it stand out even more.

This one: "He was going to be a man soon and needed the practice", I think 'he would be a man soon' fits it better.

One that stood out as well was in the paragraph where Cassie exclaimed how beautiful the flower is they found, you used 'was making' twice. For less repetition in the same paragraph, maybe one of the sentences could be reworded.

These aren't all the passive forms from the story, but I didn't want to point them all out. You'll probably find them when you go over the story again.

The high use of passive form instead of active is something that I did a lot as well, until someone pointed it out to me. Now I try to avoid the passive form when people do things and I guess that's why I notice it in other people's writing too.

Just passing

Well, we already talked about the forest part, so I'll skip that :)

There were parts I needed to read a few times to fully comprehend, so this story wasn't an easy read. Sometimes that was because of the words you used, sometimes because of the odd things that happened, like when the snake attacked the sabre-tooth tiger.
'Wait, where did the snake come from. The mouth? That can't be right *reads again* "A giant claw coated in green scales reached out from inside the mouth, and grabbed the tiger’s body." Huh, weird'

There were definitely some weird moments in the story and I liked that. It started simple enough, it's perfectly possible for someone to walk in a jungle with flowers. Although I have to say it wasn't until you used the word 'jungle' towards the end of that paragraph that I realized that's where he was, so placing the reader at the right scene in the beginning is not a bad idea.
As the story went on I thought the sabre-tooth tiger was strange, but it could be a fantasy story so I didn't think much of it.
Then there was the snake and things got weirder and weirder, but in a good way!

Weird stories can be fun, you're taken down a path and you have no idea where it will end and what you'll see. So I enjoyed that.

A confusing part was with the chicken. You called the creature a chicken until Ross started pushing the boulder up, then suddenly there is a 'pyrolisk'. I have no idea what that is. Does it still look like the chicken at this point? Everyone knows what a chicken looks like, so there's no need to describe it, but when you use either invented creatures or creatures that belong to a certain story or movie or game that not all people will know about, you might want to add a visual description so that the reader knows what it is.
I googled it now, so I know it's from Dungeons and Dragons, but when I read it I didn't have access to a search engine and suddenly there was this pyrolisk I couldn't do anything with. So that's a word of advice for the future.

And I have a question about the volcano part. The Pyrolisk says "Let me answer that snide remark, by asking my own question." What snide remark was it referring to? I read back, but I couldn't find it.

After the volcano there was "Unable to recall how he ended up here; face mummified with gauze and wearing a flowing tattered white robe." It sounds like Ross has bandage over his face and is wearing a white robe. Or is he looking at a mummy wearing a white robe? It's hard to tell.
Just like in the jungle the reader isn't placed at the scene, it's not really clear where he is and what he sees. In the sixth sentence a beam of light reveals a staircase, so I assume it was dark before that. Or maybe just the staircase. I don't know, either way, it would have been easier for the reader to show the area at the beginning and if it's just darkness, mention that. Let us know where he is and then continue describing from there.

I must say after this the story picked up. The sentences flowed better and the events were more comprehensible. And it became more interesting too with the talking about his mother, his thoughts, his feelings, the battle against the seaweed.

Overall I liked the story, it was well put together, there was definitely effort put into it and you certainly took the reader for an interesting ride. I like how his feelings intensify towards the end.
I think this story has a bit of an 'Alice in Wonderland' feel to it, where strange things happen and there is no clear link between them. Going from scene to scene and weird things keep happening for no apparent reason. Alice woke up and Ross ended at his mother's grave.
So yes, I enjoyed reading this.

With the feedback out of the way, it is time to vote

vote

Like I said, tough decision. In the end I vote for Nomen, because it was original and intriguing.

And finally @Bishop

Thank you for your feedback

I wish I could have given a laugh as well, I loved your feedback. XD
The moral was "Preparation is important", so you found it! I like the way you described it though :)
This is the meaning a friend read in it: "It showed the hardships people may face, which we tend to bring upon ourselves. Like, we can't make our dreams come true 'cuz we're standing in the way of them. And even when we are not the cause of our own demise, fluke accidents happen like the sprained ankle. Perseverance only gets us so far."
I'm glad you saw the story for what it was meant to be.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

<Snipped quote by Calle>

You cannot technically vote if you are part of the competition. Just letting you know.

@SleepingSilence

The first post of the voting and critique thread states "Those that have entered this contest are absolutely allowed to critique each others' works, contestants can absolutely vote, though not for their own, obviously."

@BrokenPromise In the first set of RPGC's (1-14) contestants usually gave their vote too, so it became a habit to read and vote and give feedback if time allowed. Although I think I forgot to vote on the previous contest.

I try to enter all the writing contest, but I missed 15 and 16 because I didn't notice they had returned :)

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

I still have to read the long entry from start to finish, then I can give my vote. And maybe some feedback too.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

@SleepingSilence

This is for you

Ah, I need to clarify that when I said how I would write things wasn't meant as 'you have to edit this' kind of critique. I just wanted to show how I would have done it, since you used that piece to compare our writing too. And I wanted to show what didn't work for me because you asked if I felt that your part gave more vivid and interesting image than mine did. I didn't mean it to come across as critique with the suggestion to edit your story.
I did say I admired your eloquence in the story, but some parts were perhaps a bit too smart.

I do think you should look at that paragraph about the paranoia. Maybe I was able to see the meaning of it, but I had to read it several times and I still have a hard time fully grasping the sentence starting with Paranoia.

I sort of figured that would be the explanation. Though did you find the story mundane? Like a conversation you'd have with the misses about how'd your day went at work. Is that the style you wanted your story to go?

Did you feel that your fairy tale story was satisfying? Or did you write it intentionally anti-climatic and unrewarding for a purpose? I don't mean to ask that in any particular way, but that seems to be what you're expressing. And I just wanted clarity...

You usually want to enthrall a reader in some way. Where do you think your story had it's greatest strengths?

I did put this ending intentionally after contemplating several endings. Mundane isn't the word I would have picked myself, but basically yes, I wanted a simple story, one that could be told in a casual environment. I didn't aim for an adult fairytale with drama and plot-twists, I wanted a folktale-like story with simple lessons like 'preparation is important' or 'life is filled with obstacles'. A story that could be enjoyed by adults who like folktales or silly stories, or children.
Since the prompt was to describe the scenery, something I know I need to practice more, I decided to submit a story that is only about scenery, no dialogue, no plot-twists, no character-building. Just 5 people going on a quest and one by one they have to drop out for simple reasons. I figured that it could be a more original approach to the normal storytelling where dialogue is an important aspect.
The counting down, that's an element you mainly find in children's stories. Maybe I read too many of those books before writing this story XD

@BrokenPromise

This is for you

There were some phrases that didn't flow very well. As an example, “Mosquito’s saw in them an easy meal” could be changed to to “The mosquitoes saw an easy meal.” You also didn't use the plural form of mosquitoes in that particular example. There weren't a lot of errors, but with it being so short, they become that much more critical.

As a joke you might tell a group of friends, I think it did its job. As a contest entry, it felt very low effort. The descriptions were brief. the fishermen had no real character to speak of. You get the idea. Those fisherman could have had a lot of interesting conversations about their scenery, but not a single word of dialog is spoken. Not to the reader, anyway.

Thank you for your review.

I'll see about fixing the flow of the story.
I see I wrote Mosquito’s, that had to be Mosquitos, that's true. Also, when I looked it up on the internet it said both mosquitos and mosquitoes is acceptable to use, although the spellchecker of Chrome seems to think only mosquitoes is correct. Do you know if it's correct to use both or are they regional spellings?

I can see this story being told someone in the bar and then their friends laughing at the stupidity of the fisherman. Maybe it's something that could be told by a bard too.
For the contest I aimed for a folktale/fairytale-like story, where I wanted to show both the scenery and a literary consistency by having all the fisherman fail the quest for non-lethal reasons, counting them down in the same way. And for those who want there's even morals to be found, although they're simple.
So for this idea the lack of dialogue was intentional, as was the lack of characterisation. I wanted a certain simplicity here and give that folktale feel, but I understand it feels like low effort and I'm not certain how this story rates in the folktale category.

I'll make sure to make something more substantial for the next prompt :)

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

I normally wait with getting back to reviews until more people had a chance to read it, because I don't want to explain things before people formed their opinion about it, but I want to comment on this one now.

So I’m not going to do full reviews for these. For reasons of I might end up just coming off too harsh (for far too long.) So keeping it very brief, and I will be trying to provide examples. So it doesn’t look like blind and empty criticism

The quest for the Golden Fish by Calle

Another “Wah, Wah, Wah” story. But this time I feel like I have a fundamental problem with how this story was told…

Basically five fisherman, need to get a fish that will grant them fame and fortune. So obviously have long careers, love their job and want to do this quest. Then four go away for mundane and boring reasons and the five ends the gag he forgot his stuff ending in an anti-climax. I guess it’s mildly humorous, but it literally feels like I wasted my time reading at the end. Just leaves me stabbing at plot holes inside a silly story…

If you wanted the anti-climax thing to work and be more effective, wouldn’t it had been more interesting for the quest to be super dramatic and serious for the previous four to give up? Going through a treacherous storm over the water, a man falls overboard and had be be thrown a life vest. Another gets so ill, that he’s sent back on a boat. Whatever. Just anything to make the “Shit, I finally got through and went through all of that and I didn’t bring my fishing pole!” That makes the cruel irony that much stronger...

Also, not to do direct comparisons. But the story goes over so many of the same locals as mine does. But yours is very simple and not very complicated in terms of descriptions. Something we were asked to flower up a bit. Since the story is so short, obviously you couldn’t. But you could have, because unlike previous contests. This had no word limits.

Let me take the “forest scene” as an example. From yours, than mine.

"They walked through a thick forest, the leaves on the branches kept the path hidden from the sun. Only when the wind blew strong enough would the leaves allow small openings through which the rays of the sun found their way down, until the openings closed again. The thick bushes on either side of the trail seemed impenetrable. The forest itself was full of life, insects buzzed, birds twittered and chirped, and a bear roared."

Not a whole lot left to the imagination, with very dry explanations.

"Ross carried the red cyclamens; a dozen bundled together like the battle scars bared on his bare back. Matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees. The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step. Elbowing checking the low hanging branches, blocking his march through the mud. Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."

Can you see the difference? Ignoring the wordplay, vocabulary, alliterations inside the actual writing. Does that still not paint a more vivid and interesting picture in one’s head? I guess that’s for you to decide.

And I’m sorry, there was no other way to properly express my thoughts about this sentence...

“But the fisherman loved to eat fish.”

You don’t say? The fishermen whose entire job it is to fish. (Which in the previous sentence already implies their fish related quest will be used for food, which was described as “sweet” tasting. Which is already associated with pleasantness. With the following sentence explaining they don’t just eat fish, they eat “all” the fish.) Just so happens, that these fishermen actually like fish?

@SleepingSilence

my response to the feedback

Thanks for taking the time to review.

The fact all the fishermen dropped out for mundane and boring reasons could have prepared you for a mundane and boring ending. I tried to be consistent with that. I admit I knew the anti-climax wouldn't be appreciated by some and that it could leave the reader unfulfilled.
There were several endings I had in mind, but I considered this one the most consistent with the rest of the story. In none of the endings the last fisherman would be successful I might add, but in the other endings the fisherman died so that didn't work. The ending 'he caught the fish and went home' was an option of course, but I decided to let him return home without reaching the goal like the others.
As for the more dramatic events to have a cruel irony in the ending, it didn't fit with what I had in mind for the story.

Now, I don't know what a 'wah wah wah story' is, but maybe the fundamental problem you had with this entry was exactly what is was supposed to be.
My aim was a simple story, a folktale/fairytale like story, maybe even a child's tale. The repetition in it by counting down the fishermen with the same sentence was a clue for that.
I don't know if you read many of such stories, but most are rather simplistic as far as storytelling goes and I don't think I read any with flowery descriptions of the scenery.

Aside from that, I'm not good at flowery descriptions of the surrounding area, nor do I personally care for an overly long description of what a place or a thing looks like. I tend to lose focus when I read a lengthy description of a scene, especially when I have to read it from a screen. I write in they way I like to read stories, which I think every writer does.

None of my stories have flowery scenery, so I guess it's just my style to give simple and short descriptions with a few details and let the reader image the area for themselves. I don't use elaborate language to get the point across, my stories often are "very simple and not very complicated in terms of descriptions" as you put it.
Some people like that style, others don't. For a story in another writing contests I got the comment I wrote just enough about a creature to allow a picture to be formed and the reader loved that. Another person mentioned they loved my concise way of writing for yet another story.

I feel like that when I try to be more elaborate and be a bit more flowery that I go wrong, because then a lot of redundancy is added. Like in the previous contest with the rainy day, I actually tried to have that story written in a more flowery and maybe poetic way, the way a bard could tell it, since the main character was a bard. Giving the feedback you gave me there I failed with that story as redundancy and repetition seemed to be big issues.
And in this entry the more detailed description apparently comes off as dry, but at least I managed to avoid redundancy and repetition and I was "descriptive of the characters' surroundings" as the prompt stated.

Another problem is a limited vocabulary. I know all the basic words, but I often don't know their elegant synonyms.

I'll use the example from your story that you used to compare our forest scenes to explain.

"like the battle scars bared on his bare back"
I never would consider using scars baring on a bare back. I would say the scars 'show' or 'were visible' on the bare back. Or just say 'back', because the showing of scars implies the back is bare.
In your review of my previous entry you mentioned the repetition of words, redundant words / sentences and how they should be avoided, so this sentence makes me wonder in what situations are things redundant and when do they add to a descriptive scene?

"as sweat drooled from his forehead"
I didn't know sweat could drool from a forehead, I would use 'ran down', or maybe just say he was sweating, because I assume people know what sweating is.

"The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step."
This part confused me, I couldn't follow it and had no idea what was really going on, aside from the fact he was sweating because it's warm and he hears a creature?
I'd most likely just write 'it was hot' instead of 'The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees', because while I know trees can be tall, I have no idea how tall the kapok tree is. Also, I wouldn't have thought about using 'temperatures towering tall'. I'd use 'temperatures rose', because I thought towering tall is more reserved for tall buildings and trees, and not for temperatures.

"Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."
That is very elegant, a very nice way to describe how he feels in the jungle, but I could never come up with that.
I would have made it simpler. Like "He stopped to see a brightly coloured bird, drinking from the nectar of a beautiful flower. Suddenly the flower shut its jaws (...)"

So that's where we differ. Or maybe I'm just a mediocre writer who uses simple vocabulary and basic descriptions and who will never reach your level of eloquence, because the descriptions I used were to the best of my ability. It's important to know our limitations though, so thanks for pointing it out.

Since you asked, I wasn't able to paint a more vivid and interesting picture in my head of the scene the way you described it. You did put in a lot of effort in it and I appreciate that, but I didn't realise they were in a jungle until you mentioned it at the end, so I had to reshape the image that had formed. Even the tropical temperature mention hadn't prepared me, because while I don't live in the jungle, temperatures here are sometimes referred to as 'tropical' when it's really hot. And with that confusing part with the unknown creature and paranoia I couldn't do anything, I could tell you did your best to describe it eloquently, but I had to read that paragraph several times to somewhat understand it, so that didn't help painting the picture.
The part with the bird and flower was really clever though.
It would have been easier if you had mentioned the jungle in the beginning and add to the scenery as you went on.

I have to say this, it is possible that people who fish professionally do not like to eat it, those people catch and sell and use the money to live. It's also possible that fisherman who live off fish and get disgusted by eating the same thing over and over again. So yes, I explained they like fish, and then added to that the fact they had eaten all other kinds of fish, which gave the extra motivation to after the Golden Fish.
I didn't specify their background or the reason for being fishermen, because such background details are usually not added in the kind of story I wanted to write here.

What I really would like to know is if there were there technical errors? Grammar, tense, run-on sentences, commonly confused words I confused? Grammar was often a point of feedback in the past, especially the commonly confused words, and my main concern if how I'm improving in that aspect, but I appreciate everything else you told me. It's just as important to know how people view a story.

Edit, I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I felt the need to explain myself properly.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

I'm glad to see another entry in the contest ^_^ Let's hope for a few more

How Many People Can One of Your Characters Fight Off

I have pretty normal characters. My best warrior I think would be able to defeat 5 or 6. My second best probably 3 or so. The others maybe 1, but most likely get defeated before they can take that one out.
And there is one sneaky bastard who'd probably manage to get them fighting amongst themselves and walk away quietly XD

My name is Fiddles, and this is my Pawnshop

I like medieval things. I have a warrior/mercenary who is grumpy most of the time, a nobleman who is an egocentric/narcissistic backstabbing noble. And a friendly bard XD

And as I typed all that and looked at the generic plots, I decided I like the idea of Barista x Frequent customer more. A have a male character, a student Creative Arts Therapy/musician/artist, who can use a place where he gets his daily coffee.

You can expect weekly replies from me and 2-3 paragraphs, although it can happen it will be 1 paragraph when I really don't know what to post. Never oneliners.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

There's a weekend coming up, I'm sure people will find time to write something ^_^
Last RPGC there were some last day entries too.