Loksfjoer

Sum up your week in roleplaying in just 3 words

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The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

Does everyone know where they want to go? The ferry is docked, it's time to explore!

And remember, if you want to add a Pokémon to your team that isn't native to the islands, let me know. Through my npc's I can give you other Pokémon too. Just no legendary Pokémon ;)

RPGC #23: InGlorious - Discussion

It's good the voting period will last until the end of the month, because I haven't read the entries yet. But I will.

@SleepingSilence Thanks for your feedback
I will explain some things, but I will put it in a hider in case someone wants to review my story without the explanation in mind.

My reaction

What I had in mind for my story is that it could be told by someone, either by someone who witnessed it or someone who heard about the events and tells the tale to an audience. This is why the story is not told from the viewpoint of the Herovillain and why the filler pauses are there. And this is also why it starts with the city layout and the history and the people, the teller wants to situate the audience first. 'This is the city, this is how it got rich, and here is the one we will be talking about'.

I know that Pickpockets, Purse snatchers and Thieves are pretty much the same thing, but they all steal in a different way. This is more to illustrate that pockets were picked, purses were cut and things being stolen. And I thought it gave it more of a 'told story feeling'.

"is this the most eventful part of your character's life?" "If no, why aren't you showing that."
Becoming a city guard and defeating barbarians is probably a highlight of sir Morgon's life, but the purpose of the tale is more to discuss morals, do people agree or disagree with sir Morgon, do they think he did good or evil. Is he still a hero or is he a villain?
Which is why I stopped before the story would turn into a rebellion against him and him probably being killed at the end for his misdeeds against the people he was supposed to protect.

The Rebellion of Ostagon would be another story, or part 2 of the Tale of Ostagon, where it's shown that regardless of the opinions of the audience, the citizens considered him evil.

And then part 3 could look at the results of the rebellion: will it benefit the city or will they succumb to theft and murder and the lawlessness sir Morgon thought would happen? And the story in which the future of sir Morgon arrives would focus on different morals than what we needed for this competition: what is and isn't allowed to do when you are trying to survive.

Anyway, back to your review.

The 'it' when referring to the boy was intentional. Showing, as you said, the dehumanizing sir Morgon goes through. They are criminals, not people, and he will not stand for lawlessness.

It's great you liked the last sentence, I'm pleased with the ending myself. I usually don't do endings well, I've had feedback before stating 'if you had stopped here it would have been a more powerful ending', which is another reason why I didn't elaborate on the events after that. I wanted to end strong.

That being said, I would like to talk about your edit if that's okay, feedback on your version of my story if you will :)

You wrote "the main streets were filled with tailors, goldsmiths, glassblower, artists, pastry bakers and everyone had ample choice (...)", it gives the impression there are tailors, goldsmiths, etc, walking on the street, instead of being in shops located at the main streets.

And with your suggestion to remove 'at' and 'itself' from "At the junction itself was the oldest inn of the city," you will get "the junction was the oldest inn of the city", which you incorporated in your suggested edit. But, it suggests the name of the inn is the junction. Using 'at' places the inn at the junction.

Your suggestion of "The good people of Ostagon had fewer travelling there and trading or buying goods" feels a bit off, and Grammarly also gave it a red line, with the explanation: "Incorrect quantifier with uncountable noun: it appears that the quantifier fewer does not fit with the uncountable noun travelling. Consider changing it."
I think fewer people would be better in this case, but I'm by no means a grammar expert (I actually had less first, but then I learned it had to be fewer instead)

That being said, I will consider all the changes you suggested and I thank you for your detailed feedback. Some of the suggestions you made are definitely an improvement.

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

In Mesperit city, just outside the harbour, was a kiosk. People could buy maps, snacks, and souvenirs. Or newspapers. And the ones on display had a headline about the Pokémon theft in the Kanto region.

On Evoru the head of the Rorie Rangers read over the last details on her computer. It was unlikely the thief would come here, but police and rangers in all regions had been sent an update, which stated little more than 'the thief escaped and we don't know who they are yet'.
@Whirligig

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The Umbreon ran around a corner, into a street with regular houses and disappeared from sight. It didn't seem to be in panic. On the contrary, it seemed to be focused on a goal.

A Nidorino sitting next to a man had been looking at the Umbreon too, but when it had disappeared from sight, it examined the people who had left the ferry and were now moving in all directions into Mesperit City.
@KiwiHalcyon

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

I don't know, but there's probably a reason for it. Time-related or something else.

Although, and this is a general statement for everyone: if anyone is unsure what to do next, I have plenty of ways to help everyone get started in the RP. If there are any goals anyone wants to work towards, let me know and I'll see how I can help to get to them.

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As it stands now, @CaptainSully still has to make a first post and @Dumb1And1Lazy, @Lord Orgasmo and @KiwiHalcyon still have to disembark.
Luckily the ferry will remain in the port for a while ^_^

RPGC #23: InGlorious - Prompt and Entries

Ending at 716 words, I present to you:

The tale of the Saviour of Ostagon

The thriving city of Ostagon was ideally situated at a junction of major roads. The roads leading to the city were broad enough for two wagons to pass each other, and leave room for people to walk at the sides of the road. They crossed within the city, and between the gates they were neatly paved with granite slabs, so evenly laid the travellers felt as if they were riding on water.

From the East Gate to the West Gate, from the North Gate to the South Gate, the main streets were filled with shops. Anyone travelling through the city had ample choice for buying the finest of goods. Traders sold wares from all over the world. Tailors, goldsmiths, glassblower, artists, pastry bakers, they all sold their finest crafts and foods to the traders and travellers passing through.
At the junction itself was the oldest inn of the city, it was the first building that had been built at the crossroad, followed by shops and houses until Ostagon reached its full glory.

Smaller inns were scattered around the four districts, amongst the houses of the citizens, and the bakers, butchers and smaller shops that supplied them. When there was no school, children were allowed to play on the streets, as long as they kept off the main street.
The citizens all wore fine clothes. Judging by what the poorest wore proved there was no poverty in the city.

With the basic necessities more than met, the people of Ostagon focused on the performing arts: theatre and music. They read and debated science and philosophy. That, in turn, attracted nobles wanting to see a performance and scholars who wanted to talk with the bright minds of the city.

But the wealth of the city attracted swindlers and thieves too. A City Guard was brought to life to deal with those seeking advantage of honest customers and hardworking citizens.

The strong sir Morgon was the best of the best. No hand was sleight enough for his trained eyes and he had brought many pickpockets, purse-cutters, and thieves to the dungeon under the city hall. When riots broke out, he was there to arrest the culprits. When shopkeepers were threatened with a sword, he stood up to defend them.

With his mighty sword he brought justice when evil showed its face.

One day a group of barbarians came, hidden as refugees they came to the city only to reveal the weapons under their cloaks. Keeping their swords high in the air they were ready to pillage Ostagon, but sir Morgon and the other guards stood their ground and the earth got soaked in the blood of the enemies. It sent a clear message to anyone who had a similar idea: they would not allow the city to be raided and anyone who would try would perish.

Sir Morgon was celebrated as a hero and their peaceful, prosperous lives went on.

But the times changed. War broke out and trading came to a halt. Fewer people travelled the roads now the country was in turmoil and food supplies dwindled.

The good people of Ostagon had relied so much on trading goods and buying what they needed, that most of them didn’t even know how to grow their own food or make their own clothes. And the price of food went up every day.

Children who once played in the streets now scavenged the city to look for food. But good sir Morgon was still there, keeping the city safe.

A child stealing a loaf of bread was quickly plucked from the street and thrown in the dungeon, a mother stealing a necklace to sell for food so she could feed her family was put on the scaffold as an example. And the rioting citizens who wanted to defend such lowly criminals were struck down with sir Morgon’s mighty sword.

It puzzled him when someone called him a heartless beast after he kicked away a woman clinging to his legs, pleading to let some stealing boy go. The apples weren’t his and if he’d allow this child to steal now, it would continue to steal. Others might see it as approval of stealing and before everyone knew it people would murder each other.

There would be no lawlessness in his city.

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

While I won't play an active part in the RP because I don't have a character adventuring with you all, I will throw in some randomness when I feel like it.
And of course my npc's are there to help you with your adventures, but in the end you are free to make your own adventures in this RP.

The Umbreon will return as a side-plot sooner or later. For now it's just an event your character may or may not have noticed.

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

The passengers disembarked after the ferry had docked. Some were already on the harbour, getting their bearings or examining a map, others were still in the crowd going to the exit. Suddenly an Umbreon darted through the crowd. The agile Pokémon swiftly maneuvered between the humans and moments later it was in the harbour. It ran into Mesperit City, disappearing from sight.

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

Welcome to the RP :)

The ferry has docked and people are leaving it. Everyone who is in the RP is at Mesperit city, either still on the ferry ready to disembark, or already in the port.