I was strong.
I held a power mankind could tremble before. This power some would call “magic” was not one I could throw out in the daylight like everyone else. A power with the potential to erase life with just a bit of effort. I lived in silence in return for keeping my secret. I only used a part of it, calling it my Semblance and claiming that I discovered it as an aspiring teenager in Mistral, rather than containing it since birth. But I don’t even know how I was born, where, how- or why, for the matter.
In no time, I became a liar filled with secrets.
The alcohol in my hands remained still- balanced by the glass held in my cold hand. The stitched gaps of my mouth dripped with alcohol, though most of it had dried up against the loose skin. And the room was cold, despite being heated rather well.
I could feel my own gaze. It pierced into the alcohol, staring at a reflection accusingly. In it, I saw myself many years ago, and the result of my efforts as a warrior who was willing to lay down everything for a just cause.
I had been ready to burn. But instead, they tied me to a stake.
And they watched me burn- all the way to the moment I set myself loose when I realized everyone lost faith in me- both as a Huntsman and as a human being.
I never asked myself, “Where did it go wrong,” because I knew when it did. The very moment I had determined myself to become a Huntsman, despite the oddities and lack of sense both my strengths and my scattered childhood made when put together. I didn’t even know who I was born to. All I remembered was that I… to them…
…
I could still remember their shrieks for desperate survival. And as I didn’t even remember what had actually happened, I only had myself to blame as I mourned for them.
Shortly after I committed a crime out of the natural will to defend myself and survive, I met a blue fox Faunus woman who I could have easily hurt and get away with it. Her hair was pale blue, her body most likely too frail to handle any injuries from weapons. For most of her life, she had sold her body to support her children, all having left the world without a chance to live longer than ten years. The trafficking network she escaped from had been unable to find her.
Yet, she embraced me when I showed up by her shelter that barely passed off as a home at the very edge of Vacuo’s civilized areas. I don’t even remember where I came from- my memories began with mourning over what I had done to my family.
This caretaker, who had no name, must have pitied me. I believed so until she continued to let me live with her as she used the rest of her expenses to feed me.
“You don’t need to worry,” she would tell me softly, even if I never made mention of my concerns.
“Don’t be scared.”I then felt an emotion that sparked the fuse towards what would become my ambitions in becoming a Huntsman. I felt an urge to protect this woman, who I chose to look up to as my mother. I promised to myself that I would become strong, and I promised to her that I won’t be afraid, just as she hoped.
I had been marked with the sin of remembering my slaughtering of those who shared my blood for the sake of protecting myself, and I desperately wished to pay my toll of redemption for it. My caretaker was weak, yet she was stronger than I was- her gentle and forgiving words told me so, and I knew her words had been more genuine than myself.
The frail body, the soft, blue hair… and her smile, which gave me hope that I could see more smiles if I just worked hard. It made me wonder why she would need to live a hopeless life while trying to give me hope. So, I made a purpose- to find a purpose worth fighting for, and to pledge my life for that sake. I wanted to protect what I could proudly call my family.
When I went to Mistral in search of honing strength, my method of training was in silence. I watched people fight- even people older than me, such as Huntsmen-in-training, who often bullied others. I watched not thousands, but millions during my training. I then put all of it in practice, figuring out what made people vulnerable and what made them invulnerable. It felt like ages, as I simply watched, practiced- rinse and repeat. I refused to use the very thing I used in what I tried to run away from.
I then faced against the leader of a dojo to put my own fighting style into practice, and in a matter of moments, I had been wiped off the floor.
The battle did teach me one valuable lesson- if one were to seek after the peak potency of power, then it should be done no matter the cost. I then began focusing on honing not just my strength and fighting capabilities, but also controlling what people called “magic.”
I hated calling it magic.
It got on my nerves.
Everyone looked up to it because they didn't believe it existed. And I couldn’t even look down on it if I wanted to- its power made my skin crawl, and I had no intention in letting anyone capitalize on it.
I eventually came to accept, however, that I must come to terms with the past I always ran from. And the support of my caretaker did let me overcome my fears, as I began to use my strengths more freely.
I moved into Vale with my caretaker when I believed I had become skilled enough to fend on my own, but by then, I had overestimated the extents of my strength. I continuously got stronger. To me, the ability to fight- and fight back, when necessary- had become a core drive behind my motives to protect what I wanted to protect. I strained myself countless of times, caring less and less about my own body and focusing on winning the fight.
I wanted to emerge victorious. Only the victorious would be remembered, I believed. I needed to win every fight- every single one of them, by my own hands. Only then would I feel a need to taste that feeling even further. I was not competitive- I had become selfish.
Then I met my team in Beacon Academy.
Team Ardent made me reflect upon myself, as well as the life I had lived up to that point. I had been shy, humbly accepting defeat while obsessing over more power only in my heart. But the black spot of my heart vanished when I met others who shared similar interests as I had.
That was the ability to fight for what I loved.
...
Sitting in ARDT’s dorm, he studied a vile evil that humanity had created. For many years he had faced countless crises that not only left him questioning himself, but also fearing for his future. But this was the pinnacle of torture at its finest.
Apophis stared at the History textbook placed upright in front of him, the bottom part of his face dug into the arms he placed on the table.
I commend the evil people who created this evil thing, Apophis thought to himself. He felt somewhat disheartened when he realized that being smart in some things didn’t mean he’d be smart at everything. Some people were probably naturals at certain things other people aren’t natural with. In his case?
History was perhaps one of the most grueling things ever among his classes- mostly because he didn’t enjoy it in general.
Focus, Apophis, he told himself, though his body showed the exact opposite as his face dug slightly deeper into his elbows.
You can do this. Just survive this and you might end up having time to worry about trivial things like dinner.A few moments passed before he ended up sighing.
“Man, this is impossible,” he muttered.
“Yeah, things are looking tough for you,” Roland agreed, standing next to the seated Apophis.
“I know, it’s just, I can’t bring myself to- ABUGAHFFAUGA-!!!”Jumping in his seat, Apophis almost screamed aloud as he turned, his wide eyes finding Roland Kafetis laughing with his arms crossed.
“Geez, don’t scare me like that!” Apophis angrily retorted before scratching the back of his head, his face flushed.
His team was going to be the death of him. All of them seemed to enjoy jumpscaring him or something.
“Oh, this is great,” Roland wheezed.
“Apep, can you stop being so great? Our team’s gonna go crazy if you keep it up!”“Shuddup,” Apophis muttered, his shoulders rising defensively as he did his best to mask his embarrassment. If anything, he was glad Tani and Eirene weren’t around- the former would just go absolutely nuts and probably break something, while the latter… well, he just didn’t want to look bad to her.
As his laughing steadily ceased, Roland smacked Apophis’ back with a grin.
“Studying hard, Apep? Y’know, I could probably help you with that if you need it.”Blinking, Apophis slowly turned around to face Roland.
“You mean it?”“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty good with History- especially the part about Anima’s old landmarks. Actually learned about it a bit during my visit at Mistral. The museums are pretty sweet, eh?”Roland glanced between Apophis, then at the dorm’s door, which had been left open by Roland.
“I can probably help you with that stuff later, though. Your team’s feelin’ lonely without you, y’know? Practicing together ain’t the same without you working the team’s butts off.”“I-I wouldn’t go that far,” Apophis smiled cheekily, nervously laughing. Well, maybe he got overinvested with training at times, but it certainly wasn’t enough to make him forget about his team’s wellbeing.
…Right? Right.
Glancing between his book and the door, Apophis put up a thoughtful look, despite his answer being almost obvious. He turned to the tall, dark-brown-haired student, who happened to be his most frequent partner for sparring.
“I think I’ve had enough of reading for today,” Apophis admitted, a small laugh coming afterwards.
“Well, the hell we waiting for- let’s get moving! Also, burger dinner’s on you if any of us touch you in combat practice!”“Huh- WHAT?! Hey, I didn’t agree with any of that-!!”As Roland bolted out the door, Apophis also propelled himself off his chair, though he took a brief moment to slowly push the chair into the desk out of habit before abruptly resuming his dash.
...
Some called me a prodigy, and I probably was, no doubt it. Being physically strong was one thing, but being able to adjust the strength towards different situations changed the very definition of wielding power. I learned how to adapt, relying on that ability of mine to know what people thought when they fought.
As a result, I naturally learned how to slay Grimm through my analysis of others. Against the Grimm, I held back less, feeling a freedom to exert my power over them. It was almost euphoric to fight them. I could feel the power I honed grow as I faced them, and that was what mattered the most to me in the heat of battle. Power.
For I believed that power was ultimately the one thing that would make my voice heard. I believed it would be enough to let me protect what I treasured.
Power, however, is not to be confused with authority. And authority was not to be confused with oppression.
During my sophomore year, my caretaker passed away a few minutes after I found her in a hospital bed, ill and unable to do anything. Had power been something that could let me cure the incurable, I would’ve. The Grimm were amazing creatures in how they knew who to attack- and when. They creatures that knew they lacked power in comparison to the Huntsmen, so they did what they did best- finding prey, and capitalizing on their endless quantity.
I always called her Mother, even before the moment she left me. And before she left me, she always wished for the best for my sake.
She hoped that one day, I would become someone looked up to and respected. And I promised her this, swearing that I would do everything to be more ambitious. But truthfully, if I had the chance, I would have given every bit of my power and talents in return for keeping this person who I called Mother.
Had I not met my team, I may have made a foolish decision such as, say, revenge. You don’t just get revenge on an endlessly spawning entity. I still had my team to rely on, and there could be others who could suffer similarly to me. For this reason, I pushed forward, packing everything while gritting my teeth as I climbed my way out of this fate I had begun to dread. I began praying upon spirits, hoping that they would aid me in my journey to becoming a Huntsman.
...
“Seems like the mission’s gonna be simple but somewhat hard next week,” Roland thought to himself aloud.
“Two reinforcements- both Vale militia. We’re gonna be looking into what’s disrupting the Cross Continental Transmit tower’s connection with certain places outside the urban regions of Vale, meaning there’s a likelihood of Grimm around.”Looking up from the notes he wrote down, Roland glanced at the green-haired girl next to him, dressed in rather puffy pajamas.
“I guess you’re gonna be a bit busy supporting us again. Sorry in advance, Eirene.”The petite girl, Eirene Dysis, shook her head and waved her hands frantically, quickly responding,
“I-I’m good! I’ll be just fine, Roland. Really, I’m more worried about how much work you guys might end up with…”The man put up a thoughtful look as he mused,
“…Hm, yeah… Maybe we should trade our gear. Could use a break or two.”“H-Huh? I'm not sure if I can hold your equipment,” Eirene began before stumbling on her words.
“If I were a bit stronger, I think I could do that, but...”“PFFFFT. Girl!” Roland yelled enthusiastically,
“Eirene, you’re all good! If anything, I think the whole team’s gonna do fine.”At that moment, a voice filled with energy boomed,
“HA! EAT THAT, APEP!”Both Roland and Eirene turned to a television screen two of their friends sat in front of, with the word “Victory!” on the screen in flashy gold.
“What the-“ Apophis sputtered, taking a brief look down at his controller before looking up at screen he sat in front of,
“A-Aren’t you a little too good at this, Tani?”The girl with short, golden hair turned to Apophis with an unamused look. She seemed somewhat smaller than Eirene at a first glance, but she was actually similar in physique. Her energy said otherwise, however.
“Really?” She muttered, staring at Apophis as he shied away from her gaze.
“Is our leader seriously asking me if I’m too good at a video game? I'm not the best, but don't you think I'd be better than you at this?”“…That’s a good point,” Apophis admitted, sighing in defeat.
Watching his shoulders slump, Tani Avarice smirked before bumping Apophis’ shoulder.
“Hey, at least you got second place, Peppy,” she said.
“Normally I do everything to get my player rivals at the very bottom.”“…That’s kinda evil.”“Mhm! It is~!”Apophis turned to the side as he muttered,
“Actually, given it’s her, that makes sense…”“…Peppy, I can hear you over there.”“How about you stop calling me Peppy first…?” Apophis muttered, though he hung his head when Tani shook her head carelessly.
Initially, Apophis had thought about just practicing combat. When he realized he shouldn’t exhaust himself too much, he ended his private training prematurely and instead hung around with his team. Needless to say, he never understood how Tani was so good at games. In fact, even Roland was pretty darn good at adapting to games.
As someone who practiced adapting to combat, Apophis thus frequently felt a fire that fueled him to accept Tani’s challenges, always thinking that he might prevail some time later. The results were usually the same, though, if not a little more competitive as he got more experience.
While Eirene wasn’t that good at games, she accidentally beat Apophis in a racing game once. Apophis’ luck sometimes just looked like it was reserved for direct combat rather than… well, a whole lot of other things aside from combat.
Eirene smiled as she watched Apophis accept yet another challenge from Tani, changing their vehicles in the process. As Roland went over to join the game and probably just try to mess with them, Eirene glanced at the closed window that revealed the night sky.
It was a nice summer night, with the stars painting the dark blue like glitter.
A few minutes later, Apophis bonked his head as he mumbled,
“I’m taking a walk outside.”Tani gave Roland an accusing look as she grumbled,
“If it weren’t for you throwing every shell at Peppy, then he wouldn’t feel that bad, you big oaf.”“Heh, well- wait, what did you just call me?”Hopping up, she waved at Eirene and Roland as she called out,
“I’m going out too, be right back!”As Apophis walked, Tani trailed behind him.
Some parts of Beacon’s hallways were actually under construction, as they intended on improving the living quarters for the students’ comfort. The revisions seemed to be mostly aimed towards ventilation to people allergic to dust.
Taking a deep breath, Apophis took a corner as he went to an open balcony. He then leaned against the rail as he remained quiet.
Tani, too, stared at the stars and Beacon’s nighttime form. Everything looked a lot more interesting to her when night was up- especially the lights that normally aren’t used in daytime. They illuminated in a rather pretty manner.
“Hey, Apep,” Tani spoke.
“Hm?”Turning to Apophis, Tani asked,
“Do you really think I’m smart?”“Yes, I think you are very smart and talented.”“…Don’t get me that soulless tone, Apep,” Tani pouted as she crossed her arms while leaning against the rail.
“I’m serious, y’know!”Apophis thought about it for a moment. Well, she was pretty smart, he had to admit. If anything, her trait of being smart helped Apophis in not only combat occasions, but also changing the way he approached certain things outside of combat, and usually it was for the better.
Nodding, he told her,
“I actually do believe you’re smart.” He then grinned, his face flushing as he admitted,
“Also, it shows anywhere, including when you play games with me. I wasn't kidding whenever I said you were smart.”Shrugging her shoulders, Tani smiled bashfully.
“Well, that’s nice to hear.”With her hands linked behind her, she asked Apophis,
“You’re a pretty cheeky guy, y’know that? You were kinda huggable when you got all flustered when we first met.”Stiffening, Apophis scratched his left cheek as he admitted,
“Well, back then I didn’t know what you were like. If I knew back then, I probably would’ve warmed up to you faster.”“Hey, who knows?” Tani smirked.
“Maybe we would’ve gone to the prom together, maybe we would’ve made some ridiculous bets. There’s a lot of maybes, but me getting along with you would probably never change.”“…”
Apophis smiled as he nodded.
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“There’s no doubt I’d get along with you. No probabilities- I’m sure things would’ve been the same even if it took me less time to know you more.”The moonlight shone upon the two as they reveled in its quiet, yet soothing light. Stretching her arms, Tani clapped them against the sides of her thighs as she turned to Apophis.
“Hey, Apep.”“Hm?”As she drew closer, Apophis felt her hand pat him on the back. A smile was on her face, but it lacked the playfulness it usually had.
There was warmth in her smile.
“I’m glad we’re all the way we are now,” Tani said as she stood close by his side, admiring the stars.
“But I know you’ve endured the most out of all of us.”Blinking, Apophis turned to her with a curious expression.
“What do you mean?”“Well…”Her smile faltered for a moment, but its wavering faded as she seemed to remember something.
“To be honest, I don’t think I could’ve gone through anything you’d gone through. Even while you were with us, you lost… a lot of things- and people- precious to you. You were willing to side with those who had a point, even if others dehumanized you for taking their side.”His cyan eyes stared at the golden-haired girl as she paused, her gaze solemn towards the shattered moon. She spoke of the Faunus he stood up for several months ago during the Anima Strike Crisis incident. Had it not been for his team's intervention, thousands of lives would have been at risk.
And he happened to be the one who spearheaded an operation to stop both sides.
The two remained silent. It felt like it happened so long ago, yet it also felt like yesterday.
“I like it, y’know?” Tani finally smiled widely at him.
“Having a nice person as our leader, that is. So, I'd like to request something."Moving away from the rail, she kept her hands behind her as she looked up to him, his gaze meeting hers in the soft light of the night.
“Please keep being strong- even if it sounds selfish of me. Because I think that part of you is wonderful.”At her honesty, he couldn’t help but smile and nod.
Well, selfishness wasn’t a causation for bad things. He supposed he could let it pass.
“Alright, I’m going back in,” Apophis said, stretching his back as he let out a yawn.
“Unless you plan on sleeping out here, I suggest coming back to the dorm.”“Ay ay, sir~.”“…Don’t call me sir. It makes me feel old.”“Oh, come on, you’re around my age!”The two left the moonlight, which remained bright behind them as they went back to their dorm.
...
…
…
…
My team was not just a team. It was the only thing I had left for me after my Mother left.
I actually envisioned something amusing. I envisioned myself with this team, all together after graduation. It didn’t occur to me that I was on my way to becoming a Huntsman, where disasters occasionally happened. After all, in the end, Huntsmen-in-training were students working their way up to become fully fledged Huntsmen and Huntresses.
I stared at the alcohol in my glass, my reflection vaguely present.
I was alone.
I didn’t believe it would be possible, especially after the pathetic excuse of convincing myself that things would no longer be a downward slope for me. But I had been abandoned by my own faith, and I blamed nonexistent entities to simply avoid blaming myself. Deep within, I knew I was the one to blame.
I had the audacity to believe that power alone could protect what I valued.
...
Slamming his blade into the mud beneath him, Apophis coughed as he clenched his face. It hurt.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
He couldn’t see clearly.
The damned man in the cloak. Where was he…? Where was that damn woman?! They were nowhere to be seen. Only the men that accompanied them remained, all of them opening fire upon him.
Rain blew against Apophis’ face as he roared, his blade searing with fire as he felt his body almost tear apart. Blue lights streaked into his blade as magnificent flames turned into a bright cyan color, the very ground he stood on trembling before him. He felt bullets slam against his body, which had run out of its Aura. He felt it everywhere.
His chest. His lungs. And eventually, a bullet pierced straight through his head, a gaping hole clearly made.
But the blue flames refused to die, as he twitched violently, lowering his head from the recoil as he grit his teeth. The power within caused clouds of cyan to escape through the gaps of his teeth and eyes, and the wound on his head faded. And with a mighty roar, he swung his blade, its edge slashing through several of the armored soldiers firing at him. The flames completely ignored their Aura as their bodies were torn in half, turning into ashes abruptly.
He needed to use it. He needed to use it now. Not that “Semblance” crap he always spouted out, lying blatantly to everyone- the truth that he refused to share.
As the power within him pulsated violently, he dropped his blade as the cyan lights quickly faded from it. A brilliant light enveloped his entire body as he screamed incoherently. He felt like his very mind was fading, anger boiling within him at every passing second.
Roaring like a beast, Apophis rammed his hand into the earthen ground beneath him as the entire area around him was blasted by a series of eruptions of light. The remaining soldiers around him had no time to let out pain as their bodies were instantly turned to ashes. And their ashes faded too within the blinding light. Blasts of light surrounded him as the very ground beneath him shook violently. The dirt began to crack as light pierced out of it, and the skies were illuminated in cyan.
But the light began to fade when Apophis realized they were all gone.
Dust clouded Apophis’ vision as he moaned in agony. And his moans soon turned into screams as he waved his hands around violently, attempting to get the dust out of his way. Blindly moving forwards, Apophis fell on his knees as he felt his chest beat wildly.
His best friend had just been violated by some sick bitch that used his dying body as a toy. He had been thrown aside, unable to do anything as he watched her strangle his friend, all for her own mindless, predatory satisfaction. He died before Apophis, his head painting the dirt as she pulled the trigger.
And Eirene was nowhere to be seen. Nowhere. Not a single trace of her was left, except for a bloodied cowl on the ground.
He didn’t want to know who the blood belonged to.
“TANI!!” Apophis screamed, the chaotic energy threatening to burst out of his body beating like a heart with every movement he made. He moved sluggishly, knowing that moving too fast would excite his body far too much and cause unnecessary damage around him. All the towers in the area were down, but that was far from his concerns.
“TANI?!”He’d be insane to worry about the towers a single bit.
“ANSWER ME!!”Crawling on his knees, Apophis barely got up on his two feet, taking five steps forward before falling over once more, barely able to breathe. He hyperventilated at every passing second, his eyes darting around his surroundings as he prayed to the gods to give him hope.
“TANI!!!!”
…
“…Pep…”He felt a chill go down his spine as he turned to the direction of a small voice. His eyes widened as he rushed over to the fetal position of the Tani Avarice.
Slamming his knees against the ground, he quickly tore off his shoulder’s cloak as he hastily wrapped it around Tani’s waist. A wide, burnt hole in her stomach was covered by the cloak as he desperately clasped the girl in his arms. Wet blood painted the corners of her mouth and chin as more continued to seep out her mouth.
He had no idea what had hit her. That alone frightened him.
“Avarice, come on, come on,” Apophis repeated frantically as he whispered,
“stay with me. I can’t lose you, I can’t- come on! Avarice, keep your eyes open!”“…A…pep…”Apophis froze as a cold hand touched his cheek. He fearfully turned to the girl, who looked at his direction, but not directly at him.
“…A…pe…p…”“…I-… I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I’m with you- here, right here, I’m here. I’m not going!”He had seen enough of this. He had seen enough of everything leaving him- leaving behind his open arms. Those arms of his had always been so damn empty for so long, and he had just started getting used to having something to embrace.
“…A…re… th…e… other…s… s…afe…?”…
…
…
…
…
“…A…pep…?”“I- I, ah- YES! They’re safe! Roland’s… Roland and Eirene are looking out for us, so please, just stay with me! With us! I sent a distress signal not too long ago- it was the only communication link those guys couldn’t block. You… You’re going to be okay, just hang on-”A lie.
Just like many other words that left him.
The girl barely moved in his arms, her shattered rifle sitting within dirt and grass nearby. But she had enough spirit in her to move her face as it twitched.
And with enough effort, she smiled.
“…A…pe…p…”“I’m here, Tani.”“…I…”Freezing, Apophis turned to Tani, his eyes remaining wide in fear as his hands continued to tremble with her in his arms.
“…Be… strong…”Her hand slipped from his face as she rested it on her chest, the water in her eyes drying. Her eyelids quivered.
“…Tha…n…k…
“…you…”…
…
…
…
…
…
“…Hey…”…
…
…
“Avarice?”…
“AVARICE?”…
“AVARICE?!!
“Don’t…!”…
“DON’T JUST… LEAVE ME HERE, YOU… YOU…”The world blurred as Apophis felt his throat go hot as he choked, the bottom of his lip trembling violently as he cradled the girl in his arms.
“Y-You…”And he spoke her name once more, his denial slowly fading as he began to uncontrollably shake in place.
“A…varice…”No matter how much he prayed, no miracle showed him a light.
No matter how much he prepared, he would not be able to fulfill his Mother’s hopes.
Quivering in sorrow, Apophis took two quick breaths as he stared at the clouded skies, and a small laugh came out of him at the irony of it all. And his laugh grew louder, as he remembered everything those he loved had done for him. And his laugh became desperate when his denial finally faded. And he began to sob, and soon screamed his heart out as he swore at the gods, who had abandoned him.
He swore. He cursed. He did nothing but shout at the air, because that was all he could do.
His family.
Those he loved and treasured.
Those he looked up to and hoped to impress.
In the end, power had failed him.
Its attraction brought the worst upon him.
He gained power, but none that could fulfill his purpose.
His dream remained a dream.
Everything.
Everyone.
It was all gone.
Apophis had failed.
He finally lost everything.
...
…
…
…
You can’t change everything with power.
You can go far. Perhaps, you can get something you wanted with power. But it was never enough to get everything. Some things would always remain out of our reach, and as human beings, it was our job to become delusional and try to claim such things. But I had given up in my fruitless journey.
I thought about something.
If I, in the end, deserved nothing to go the way I want, then I wondered why that was the case.
And I wondered about my childhood, which I had yet to discover an answer to. I wondered.
Just how much of a bad person would I have been if one thing went my way?
How much of a terrible person was I to deserve nothing?
Maybe I had been delusional this whole time. Maybe if I wasn’t such a terrible person, then the people I treasured might have met a better person in my stead.
Maybe my fears were not the problem- maybe
I was the problem.
I glanced at the glass shattered in my hand, its fragments barely able to reflect my face.
As I lost my purpose, I lost my identity.
I don’t even know what I ended up becoming, really.
How much further was I willing to push? I would probably be pushing for no reason.
There would be nothing at the end of the road, so there was no reason try at this point. Yet, I refused to stop pushing because I didn’t want to die.
I am a hypocrite in every sense.
Even all of those who left me fulfilled something before they left.
Yet here I am, with nothing left to fulfill.
After I finally witnessed the downward trend of my fate, I never brought myself to face any of my friends’ family. Instead, I chose to walk my own path, in search of anything that could let me exact a newfound lust for exerting my anger. But I never found it to be satisfying, no matter how much more violent I often made myself.
As I stared at the shards in my hand, I let them fall off. Drops of blood trickled down my hand as I stared off at the distance.
I felt cold.
“…A…pep…?”…
I felt my heart drop.
…
…
…
Remaining still, I refused to look back for a moment. But it called out to me again.
“Apep…”I slowly turned to face her.
Everyone stood before me.
My eyes widened as I felt a rush of fear and resent flow in- for all the pain my memories of them caused me. But it was quickly replaced with an old emotion I haven’t felt in ages.
Longing.
I saw her standing, giving me a soft look as she always did. That gentle, unsure look that I had sworn myself to protect. My mother. And everyone else- my friends- stood by her, all of them smiling warmly at me.
My mother gave me a small smile. I could remember- no, I could still see it. I could still see her smile.
My friends stood by her, and I could see the confidence they always had in me. Among them, Tani gave me a wide, carefree smile.
I can see them, still. A man who was like a brother, Roland. A woman who believed in me wholeheartedly, Eirene. A girl who looked up to me, Tani. And a mother who wanted the best for me.
I wanted to tell them.
How much I missed them.
I miss them so much.
That is one thing I cannot bring myself to lie about.
But their words- and her words- echoed in my head. It reverberated repeatedly- I felt it all rush in- the reason why I continued to push towards the end of my life; the reason why I have not yet given up to find a purpose.
”Be strong, Apophis.”
I had not realized it then- that the people I treasured had already recognized my purpose.
There was a reason I had yet to give up.
I had yet to pay my dues. And I had yet to finally rest in torment.
The girl in front of me tilted her head slowly.
Sangue stood before me, wearing a puffy parka, a scarf, and mittens. In her outstretched hands was a crumpled paper bag.
“I… made food,” she spoke softly.
“I hope it’s okay.”Almost reluctantly, I took the bag from her and opened it. There was only one small thing wrapped in white paper wraps. Taking it out, I slowly unfolded the wraps.
It was a small burger.
The girl simply took off her parka and scarf and set them aside, though I could tell she was curious if I would like it or not. I took a bite out of it.
It was alright.
She wasn’t that bad of a cook. Better than the shit I made.
“It’s okay,” I told her. At this, she seemed rather happy, though her expression barely changed. I’m guessing her friends helped her learn how to express herself better, considering she was even worse before she went to Beacon.
She sat next to me, and for a few moments, we sat in silence. We didn’t need to talk too often. I understood her far more than she understood me, yet she probably understood me more than others did these days. She was more perceptive and careful than I made her out to be, despite lacking fluidity in socializing with others.
Inside her, I saw a bit of myself. But unlike her, I saw everyone I fought for within her.
“Hey,” I spoke to catch her attention. She looked at me.
I dared not to turn to her, fearing that I might do something stupid. Pushing down a feeling that made my chest feel tight, I remembered everyone’s words. They told me to be strong.
So I will.
It was only natural to respond to everyone, even if I was too late.
Taking a deep breath, I held my breath.
I then told her,
“Thanks for everything.”The girl gave me a long look.
And, with a small smile, she nodded.
I drew no tears. But, the self of my past had. And for a moment, I felt like I had become myself once more- if only for one brief, but precious moment.
It would be nice if this moment could last forever.
Bluetommy
Danyel
Ookawa
Musoka
Simple Unicycle
Plank Sinatra
