“Okay, while you’re swinging your arms and shaking your hips to the rhythm, you alternate swinging one arm behind you, then both in front, then the other arm behind, then both in front. Keep going, yeah, like that.”After a good 20 seconds of the two idiots synchronizing, Lobo grumbled,
“Yeah, nah, I’m done. This is scuzzin’ lame.”Stepping out of the restaurant, a very nervous server said, “Y-your table is ready!” The four moved in, Garfield sliding back to Koriand’r.
“How was it?”She handed back Rachel’s phone.
“It was most interesting! Though this recording device was large and unwieldy, the video should be quite excellent! I kept it as stable as I could, though on my planet our devices operate without the need for hands, so I could have joined in as well. The dance was very simple, but whimsical!”As Garfield checked over the footage, the phone was wrapped in Rachel’s black magic and pulled from his grasp.
“Hey, don’t delete it! At least not until I get another phone.” Rachel shook her head as the four were seated at a table with a white and red checkered cloth, all eyes in the casual restaurant on them. Normally it wasn’t the kind of restaurant that made you wait for a table, but their party needed some accommodations…
“I don’t know what fraggin’ krollo a hot dog is but I ain’t leavin’ until I’ve had at least 20.”“Hey, don’t fill up on dogs, we’re only getting started. They’ve got wings, burgers, corn dogs...we’ll get you.”“Who’s paying for this? You’re broke.”“I’m not broke I’m economically challenged. Look, I’ll pay you back for it later. I’m good for it, and once you do your familiar ritual thing that’s that.”“Fine, you’ll pay for it. One way or another.”Ignoring the ominous tone, Garfield rubbed his hands together as some trays with grilled hot dogs, fries, and bottles of condiment hit their spot. Lobo grabbed one and chucked it into his mouth whole, raising an eyebrow.
“The frag is this?”For a moment there was a hefty green pig awkwardly sitting at their table, then a chicken, then a cow. Human again, Garfield explained,
“We take a bunch of the animals most popular to eat on this planet, and after their good cuts are sold elsewhere, all the extra bits are mushed together into a processed paste and molded into these little tubes. No leftovers. Oh yeah, and they say every hot dog you eat shortens a human’s expected lifespan by 35 minutes.”“...Gnarly.”Rachel put down her hotdog, a single bite taken out of it with no visible interest in having any more in her body language.
“You eat animals? Even though you turn into animals?”“I mean, I also turn into animals that eat other animals I turn into, so...” Taking a ketchup and mustard laden bite, he swallowed.
“I don’t see a problem.”“This yellow sauce as a sharp flavor, I quite like it when paired with the rather bland meat, um, paste mold.”“What happened to the Spanish?”“Oh! I only acquired both languages today, so please forgive my grammatical slip ups and errors. My race has a capacity to transfer certain sought after knowledge from interlocking lips. I was desperate to engage with the people of this world so I did so with a woman selling food much like this. She was rather unhappy with the act, however, but I did learn Spanish and the tongue we are currently communicating in.” “English.” “Thank you! I only understand the words that have equivalent meanings in my own language, and through hearing you speak English I’ve been able to differentiate the two much more easily. I only want to be understood. Is the act of locking lips unpopular on this planet?”Lobo had moved on to burgers, clearly zoning out on the conversation as he took them out in two bites each.
“Oh, the opposite, kissing is really popular, but only between people in, like, love.”“Oh my! That woman’s reaction was completely within reason. I did apologize but-”“When are you going home again?” Taking a lone fry into her mouth, Rachel swallowed it before saying,
“Buying some food to keep a planetary genocide from happening is one thing. Why am I paying for you too?”Koriand’r grew flustered quickly.
“I am deeply sorry! I merely went along with the flow of events without contemplation. I also haven’t eaten a meal of solid food in a number of day/night cycles, by Tamaranian measures.”“C’mon, give her a break Ray-Ray.”“Say that again and we’ll see how many pieces of silverware in this restaurant can be crammed into your throat.”“Dinner and a show? You’re spoiling me.”Koriand’r looked between the two of them.
“Are you and Ray-Ray not friends, green one?”“It was just a friendly joke!” Garfield was distracted for a moment as some chicken wings with a variety of sauces came out.
“It’s not Ray-Ray, it’s Rachel,” she said, voice envenomed.
“And he’s Garfield, until I rename him.”“Rename him? Is this part of a courtship ritual?”“No. It’s like with pets: it denotes ownership.”“GAAAAWH WHAT IN THE FRAGGIN’ GOOD FOR NOTHING HELL-” Lobo’s screech silenced the restaurant that had someone reached a low level of normalcy in the lull of casual conversation between the odd party. Those nearest took some careful and cautious steps back as Lobo stood from his seat, the table rocking as he bumped into it, grabbing Garfield by the collar and yanking him up.
“Poison doesn’t work on me but it stings like a bitch! You and me are gonna have words, the first one being my FOOT-”“It’s just normal food!” Garfield pleaded. Koriand’r looked to Lobo’s array, sticking a pinky out and dabbing it on the end of a half eaten wing (literally: the right side, bone and all, had already gone to Lobo’s stomach). Sticking the dollop of red sauce into her mouth, her eyes unfocused and she let out a gasp, coughing as her body trembled.
“W-what is this? It’s reminiscent of substances my kind would use to enact chemical warfare!”Rachel stared.
“You mean hot sauce?”“I think that’s sriracha actually.”Lobo’s red eyes narrowed.
“Then eat it.” He dropped Garfield from his grip, the lad grinning.
“Don’t mind if I do!” Scooping up some of the wing, he popped the whole thing in his mouth and twisted it, pulling a mostly clean bone off. He let out a whine, his face scrunching up and sweat beading on his forehead before he started to chill out, swallowing. Wiping his forehead, he flopped back down on his chair.
“The pain’s part of the pleasure. It’s probably the capsaicin that didn’t agree with you.”Kori’s eyes shot wider.
“That is an ingredient my people use to cow raging animals through pain induced fear.”Rachel shrugged.
“We use it in crowd control on humans, just don’t confuse pepper sauce for pepper spray.”“Huh, I thought you humans were soft bastiches since you and your stuff broke real easy, but that’s not half bad. I’ll take some to go.” He punctuated that by popping the rest of the wing, bone and all, into his mouth. Sweat beading, he was visibly in more pain than any of their attacks had put him in before as he jaw crunched through the wing, but with a few labored breaths he finished the bite.
“These are fraggin’ torture. You humans are scuzzin’ nutso.”“You’re not supposed to eat the bones...actually never mind.”-----
As the dusk set in, the four were out in a quiet parking lot, having moved there under the shadow of Rachel’s magic. Lobo’s vehicle had swooped in, the man slipping a few bottles of spicy sauce into its storage.
“Well, it was a rocky start, but honestly, glad to meet you Mr. Main Man.”“Huh? You bozos are still here?”“Er, well, it’s our planet and all.”“Look, I can tell you’re a bunch good kids. Good little eggs. Well you can take those eggs and fraggin’ suck ‘em. I don’t actually like any of you, and you’re all real fraggin’ weirdos. The moment a bounty rolls around that’s worth it I will be back and I might be taking your hides with me, capiche?”“...Was that an alien word or just Italian?”“Kill yourselves.” Flipping them the bird, Lobo’s engine roared to life, litter scattering about as he blasted off, quickly becoming a light dot against the late afternoon sky.
“Oh, how thoughtful. His words might have been harsh, but the middle finger symbolizes unwavering trust and long lived faith!”“...Uh, sure, we’ll go with that. Actually are we gonna talk about how he was totally, like, an 80s biker from space?”“Well that was a complete waste of my time and money.” Throwing her hood up, she jabbed a finger against Garfield’s chest.
“That’s supposed to be travel money to support my campaign, not appeasement for intergalactic gluttons. Start paying it back sooner rather than later, while I’m still accepting it in currency, and not-”Koriand’r leaned in between the two, still towering over both.
“Oh, I can compensate you for your troubles. My sister’s coup has deposed me and my parents from our stations, so I may not have the funds I’m used to- oh! Your planet is not aligned with Interplanetary Banking. I would have to go offworld to-”Garfield stared, eyes darting back to the sky, he mumbled,
“We’re cool, but maybe don’t mention the ‘deposed princess’ part to anyone else.”Rachel turned to head off, but it was not Garfield to follow first.
“Please, I did not mean to trouble any of your world, but the two of you have been most helpful to me, it would be deeply shameful if I were to part ways without repaying your heroism.”Rachel visible flinched at that last word. Garfield swooped in, throwing an arm over her shoulder and whispering,
“You don’t have to be so pissy, let’s let her tag along for a bit. What else is she going to do?”Rachel threw his arm away.
“Not my problem, or yours. Let the government handle it. FBI, CIA-”“MIB.”“Whatever alphabet soup some stupid retired bigwig with too much free time and government blood money is cooking up. She cheerleader, me goth. It’s not happening. Let’s go.”“A leader of cheers? I suppose my position as princess could be interpreted as such.” The alien royal was a good few feet away from Rachel and Garfield’s hushed mumbles.
“...When humans whisper, it means we don’t want to be heard by other people.”“Oh, I will close my ears then, I do apologize.” Her hands were quickly clapped on the sides of her head.
Ignoring her, Rachel turned back to Garfield.
“A stray animal like you has no business picking up other strays. She’s a liability, and you don’t have the coverage.”“She’s alone on another world. If we leave her be she’ll be in more trouble.”“And what will she accomplish in staying with us? You think she’ll be fine with my ultimate plan? Or should we lie to her and get her to help us unwittingly.” Garfield went quiet, face tight as he tried to process that. The two stood in silence for a moment, before Rachel stroked her chin, looking back at Koriand’r, who was watching a few birds pick at the ground for food. A ways off
“On second thought...”Garfield’s mouth flopped open as Rachel turned to Koriand’r, motioning for her to listen.
“After conferring with my familiar, I’m going to give you an opportunity. I’m currently on a mission to find a large number of places of magic on this world and leave my mark on them. Every one of them is a black box: meaning that there’s no guarantee as to what we’ll encounter. W-”“How did you even find these places?”Rachel glared at the interruption. But even as their was bile in her words, she answered,
“Meditation on a leyline with a map. It’s rudimentary. Finding the locations isn’t the hard part, it’s getting there. Even a simple garbage dump turned out to be more than I was prepared for.” She turned back to Koriand’r.
“If you’re fine with putting your life on the line to help me leave my mark, then you’re more than welcome to join me for as long as you wish, on one condition: you do as I say, no questions.”Koriand’r stood in thought for a moment, face going from curiosity, to contemplation, to determination.
“I will pay my debt to you for your assistance, but I will not simply trade one set of chains for another. My heart will remain free. And I would quite like to become familiar with the two of you as well!”Garfield’s chest swelled, an anxiety of his own coming to relax, but to his surprise, Rachel smiled at him. And there wasn’t warmth in it.
“Very well.”She started to float from the ground, Koriand’r joining her in the air. Garfield murmured,
“You’re a real piece of work.” He didn’t know what she had in mind. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure what he was thinking, but as he turned into a green crow and joined them in the air, the three of them flying off to who knew where, he was just glad that none of them had been left.
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