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<Snipped quote by Snagglepuss89>

This is an issue that I've seen before. Essentially, the components of your character don't really synergize (blacksmithing, steel theme, inspiring leader, friendship wins). Not to say they contrast, but they don't really have much to do with each other. The end result isn't a bad character, just an underwhelming one.

My advice is to bring outlying elements of your character in line with other elements. Say, turning him from into an inspiring leader into some kind of smith and/or warrior, or changing Steel Stream from being legendary smiths to heroic or inspiring leaders. Just as examples.


Good advice, even experienced writers benefit from constructive criticism. I have something in mind, and will get in touch with @vietmyke to rework the sections with the Sand Kingdoms.
<Snipped quote by Snagglepuss89>

Notes within.


The cultural change is easy enough to make, and doesn't mess with my image of him/Steel Stream at all, so that's easy enough.

As for the other points- I was running into that issue myself. I suppose as the core his strength was with influence for the people with/under him (Inspiring soldiers, fast friendships, getting people to accept adversity) but it wasn't put forth solidly/strongly enough, or as a concept is too poor for the RP. I wanted to leave it open for him to outmatch the common man combat wise (He's always led from the front without being killed, etc.) while not being able to match a character solely specialized in being legendary in combat to offset the advantages he has with his political power/holdings.

I'll have to think on how exactly I'm going to retool him.
@Snagglepuss89 Also, since your character has some stuff to do with the Sand Kingdoms, I could potentially help out/collab with you on that front, as my character is also from the Sand Kingdoms- or rather, what is left of the Sand Kingdoms. From information I got from Cruiser during the last OOC, the Sand Kingdoms don't really exist anymore, just large nomadic tribes and villages warring over dwindling stocks of resources in the region that once was Iiram/Sand Kingdoms.


That's a little disappointing, but also not hard to work with. I'll just need to scale down bits of his bio. I'm perfectly happy to collab on that part of his history.


Iowerth Rhydderch


No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. That said, with good discipline and order one could maneuver their forces so that chaos was never the end result of a clash. Today though? Today was a clusterfuck of epic proportions, whether because they underestimated their enemy, or did not plan their assault properly. Likely, it was a combination of both.

When the great tree fell, and Tyaethe wasted no time in abandoning her position to help the captain, it left Iolyn in a terrible position. The captain was in danger. Bandits, while disorganized and weak, were still in front of their position, and there were now crossbowmen emerging from behind. Fanilly's life was the most important one on the battlefield, but Iolyn quickly gave up on going to assist her. If this moon-selection ritual the knights participated in had any merit she would live, especially with the undead juggernaut's help. If it didn't...

"Shields cover the rear! Block those crossbows! Sir Bors, Sir Gawain, sweep those bandits away! With haste!"

The two knights would be up against more than half a dozen bandits, but with their huge size and greatswords Iolyn hoped that the men would break rather than staying to fight with their superior numbers. The shield-bearing knights barely had time to get into position before the first volley of bolts slammed into them, eliciting shouts of pain as some met their marks. Yanking free his crossbow, Iolyn quickly took aim for the one who looked to be shouting orders and fired the bolt meant for Bandit King Jeremiah. Fanilly's life was important, but he needed to protect his men too. In the end, he chose them.

"Charge!"

In one motion, he and his men swept forward towards the crossbows, trying to close the distance before they reloaded. Iolyn threw aside his crossbow and let out a battlecry as he surged forward, burying his sword to the hilt as he crashed into one of the ambushers, quickly yanking the blade free as the man crashed to the ground in shock. As one of the crossbowmen drew his sword Iolyn slashed out, severing the man's arm at the elbow, and then quickly felling him with a follow up strike. Around him, his men were finding similar results, and the ambushers began to break, fleeing into the woods. Iolyn let them.

Turning around, he noticed Bors and Gawain hard pressed, their charge failed. With a curse, he wheeled about again and surged forward once more, leaving his men to finish cleaning up the stragglers and holding the flanks. Who knew just how many more would emerge from the woods? There was never enough time to think in a melee. With another shout he drove his sword into a cunning bandit who had maneuvered his was around Sir Gawain and took up a position between the two knights, panting heavily. Around him, more bandits were starting to file in and form a ring around them, no longer having to worry about the undead behemoth or the main body of troops from their flank.

The position was untenable.

"There's too many, break through!"

The three men charged.
<Snipped quote by Snagglepuss89>

Ah...I...want to ask something.


Hm?
If no one wants their character to take the crossbow shot, I elect Marianne! o3o


I'm sure Sult would love to volunteer to have a shaft entering her.
Honestly, looking at the characters so far, I'd definitely say the greatest threat is ourselves.
I'll try to get one up tonight, if not tomorrow is a certainty.
So, yeah, there's going to be a lot of world building in this, and I assume it's all right considering the freedom we were given in the interest check. Still, if anything doesn't check out we'll call it Draft 1. Or if everything is bollocks then we'll call it "Oh no, I wasn't serious about posting that, it was a joke! The real guy is totally being worked on right now!"

<Snipped quote by Zetsuko>

Which way, Slut or Lust? XD


Yes.
@Holy SoldierRest assured, I'm fine with a slow paced RP. I was merely cautious about investing my time into something that may have gone south in between when my character was submitted and accepted is all. I'll work on my first post within the next couple days.
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