Sugar and Spite

The Quiet Thoughts of an Overactive Mind

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I'm really not," she began, everything that she had pent up inside starting to break free. "I'm not okay and I've not been okay for a long time, but I thought I could manage, ya know? But I can't. I can't do this anymore. Especially not alone, but I'm to stubborn to accept help from anyone but myself. I walk around preaching about self love, arguing with people who say they are trash or pieces of shit when I feel the same exact way. I'm a hypocrite. I fake the smiles and the laughs and I can pretend all day long. God knows I'd have one hell of an acting career. But the fact is that when I'm alone? I break down. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I stop and just sort of stare at myself. Not because I'm self centered, but because I can't believe what I've become. I look in the mirror and I'm sickened. I can't stand myself. Not the sight of me, not my voice, not anything. I see this flicker of light in my eyes sometimes, but its so long gone and I don't know how to get it back. I scream at the walls. I cut my wrists. My thighs. My arms. Anywhere I can fit another scar."

"There's these thoughts in my head won't go away. These dark, twisted thoughts that just beg me to do something irreversibly stupid. I often joke about wanting to die. You know that. Everyone knows that. But it's not that I actually want to die. I love life. I love the sunset and the stars. The ocean and the moon. The way the sun feels on my skin. The sound of music. I love all these things and more. No, it's not that I don't want to live it's that I am scared to live. More than anything. It's strange, I know, but it's the truth. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. I want to cease to exist."

"I constantly live in the past because the present confuses me. I'm scared of the future because I'm a thousand percent certain that I'll find a way to screw it up just like I have everything else."

"I'm confused. I hate emotions, but I don't want to cut them off. I hate the feeling that I get of being numb sometimes. I've tried to cut my emotions off and I can't. It's just that I'm so angry all the time. It used to be sad, and now it's just angry. Is it wrong to say that I miss the Sad? I still get sad, but even when I'm sad there's the anger. Sort of like some weird ratio. Sixty-five percent anger and thirty-five percent sad. I'm so afraid to get attatched, but I do it anyway. In reality, I actually have a really kind heart and I have so much love to give, but I push people that I care about because I always feel like such a burden."

"And I'm just tired, you see. Not from lack of sleep - I'm used to that. Not from working all day. Just the sort of tired that you feel in your bones; in your soul. Tired of fighting a battle that, in all reality, I lost so long ago. Tired of pretending that everything is okay when it's not. Do you know what I would give to just be okay for one freaking day?"

"I just need a moment to breathe.
I need a way to keep myself from turning Some thing in to nothing.
I could say that I need a way to be the girl that I used to be, but I never even had a chance to get to know myself. I couldn't go back to being that girl now anyway. She wasn't a damaged, emotionally scared piece of shit. After you've been that way for so long it starts to mess with you."

"Do you want to know the real kicker?!" she half screamed, hysterical as she fought back tears. "I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL LIKE THIS." I have no child hood trauma. My parents never died. I wasn't neglected. I have a place to live. I have food to eat. I have people that love me. I have people that care for me, but it doesn't make what I'm going through any easier. I can't burden them with my problems. They have their own. I'll push them away eventually, I always do. Friends, family, lovers. Doesn't matter. Because I care about them, too. And when I care for someone, I feel that I have to protect them. My biggest threat to them is myself. So yeah, I push them away. No matter how many times it hurts. No, correction. No matter how many times it has hurt. I could name every person who I walked away from. I still lay in bed thinking of them at night. But having so of these things - having all of these people - it doesn't change anything. I wish if did.... But it doesn't."

"I could go on," she said, wiping the hard fought tears from her eyes. "But I don't want to bother you any longer. The answer to your question, simply, is no."

Palm Beach Royals: Senior Year

The last seven months had been insane for Sunshine. First her father's death, then moving to Florida with her aunt. Now she was switching schools - not that she was complaining. Public school hadn't really been her cup of tea. She was used to the stuffy uniforms and more challenging curriculum. So perhaps Kings Academy wasn't such a bad idea. That didn't change the fact that she missed LA.

She missed the city lights, walking down Hollywood Boulevard with a strawberry smoothie in hand as the heat all but smothered her. Now she had to settle for the beach. There was a different comfort in the vast blue waters that Sable couldn't seem to explain. Maybe it was the way the tide rolled in, bringing new sea shells up to the shore. Perhaps it was the way that it sounded. Either way, her journal was filled with bits and pieces of poetry written about it.

Doing research on Kings for the umpteenth time, the girl would be in her room. She didn't really plan to go out of the house today, but it seemed as if her mind just kept wandering back to the ocean. Closing her laptop and heading down stairs, she found herself taking the now familiar path to her new comfort zone. As she arrived, bare feet in the sand as she walked across the shore, she didn't stop walking until she was ankle deep in the water. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she smiled.

This was Home now.

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Oliver had done a lot of thinking last night before passing out from exhaustion. He had decided to text both Martha and Raven, thinking they could help him sort out his thoughts. While Raven was some help, he never heard anything from Martha. Not only did his best friend ditch him, she wouldn't even respond to his texts. To say that Oliver was salty about it was saying that Santiago wasn't an asshole.

During his conversation with Raven, he had came to two conclusions. One - He liked Stella. That much was true and definite. Two - there was a possibility he was Bi. While Oli didn't have a problem with either fact, number two was still slightly confusing. Sure, while he had always been attracted to guys for the most part, he still thought some girls were attractive from time to time, though it was rarely. How had Raven put it again? "A bisexual that had the tendency to be a little more on the gay side?" Yeah that was it.

This morning didn't seem like it was going to come with any less thinking. He felt his phone buzz, and glanced at the screen. At least she wasn't ignoring him.

Mom needs my help with a few things around the house today. Maybe we could meet up after I'm done or something. Stay safe.

The young man sighed, rolling back over in his bed, falling asleep once more.

Palm Beach Royals: Senior Year

The last seven months had been insane for Sunshine. First her father's death, then moving to Florida with her aunt. Now she was switching schools - not that she was complaining. Public school hadn't really been her cup of tea. She was used to the stuffy uniforms and more challenging curriculum. So perhaps Kings Academy wasn't such a bad idea. That didn't change the fact that she missed LA.

She missed the city lights, walking down Hollywood Boulevard with a strawberry smoothie in hand as the heat all but smothered her. Now she had to settle for the beach. There was a different comfort in the vast blue waters that Sable couldn't seem to explain. Maybe it was the way the tide rolled in, bringing new sea shells up to the shore. Perhaps it was the way that it sounded. Either way, her journal was filled with bits and pieces of poetry written about it.

Doing research on Kings for the umpteenth time, the girl would be in her room. She didn't really plan to go out of the house today, but it seemed as if her mind just kept wandering back to the ocean. Closing her laptop and heading down stairs, she found herself taking the now familiar path to her new comfort zone. As she arrived, bare feet in the sand as she walked across the shore, she didn't stop walking until she was ankle deep in the water. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she smiled.

This was Home now.

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---

Oliver had done a lot of thinking last night before passing out from exhaustion. He had decided to text both Martha and Raven, thinking they could help him sort out his thoughts. While Raven was some help, he never heard anything from Martha. Not only did his best friend ditch him, she wouldn't even respond to his texts. To say that Oliver was salty about it was saying that Santiago wasn't an asshole.

During his conversation with Raven, he had came to two conclusions. One - He liked Stella. That much was true and definite. Two - there was a possibility he was Bi. While Oli didn't have a problem with either fact, number two was still slightly confusing. Sure, while he had always been attracted to guys for the most part, he still thought some girls were attractive from time to time, though it was rarely. How had Raven put it again? "A bisexual that had the tendency to be a little more on the gay side?" Yeah that was it.

This morning didn't seem like it was going to come with any less thinking. He felt his phone buzz, and glanced at the screen. At least she wasn't ignoring him.

Mom needs my help with a few things around the house today. Maybe we could meet up after I'm done or something. Stay safe.

The young man sighed, rolling back over in his bed, falling asleep once more.

Post a random fact about yourself.

I've only ever had one character that wasn't Caucasian.

Not because I'm racist, but because I'd like to be able to represent the ethnicity that I'm writing for without coming across stereotypical or racists, ya know? I'm just scared that I'll do something disrespectful and portray the character in a totally wrong way. If that makes sense.

Palm Beach Royals: Senior Year

A Collab between @Altered Tundra and @HaleyTheRandom

Staring Kavi and Ariel.

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Dirty laundry is piling in her room
She's got her secrets, yeah I got mine too
I don't care about what you did
Only care about what we do
Dirty laundry
Looks good on you

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Per usual, her nerves were a wreck. What was she thinking? Kavi didn't want to see her. She had broken his nose, embarrassed him, and pissed him off. Not to mention she had ruined his suit. To think it had only taken her a matter of minutes to do this… normally, she would be impressed that she had done such a thing. In Kavi's case, she wasn't. Was the damage she had caused much too big to repair? Only time could tell.

So there she sat, pulling the sleeves of her jacket down into her palms, picking at the edges of them. A nervous habit, of course, but it gave her something to focus on other than the million different ways that this conversation was about to go. Hearing Kavi's voice, her head snapped up immediately. Her mind went blank momentarily, allowing for a somewhat awkward silence as they locked eyes.

”I just, um… I wanted to apologize, Kavi. For last night. I didn't mean to hurt you that badly. It's just… I wanted to see you. I don't know how to explain it, I just did. And if you want me to pay to have your suit cleaned, I will.” The words were flying out of her mouth now, a burst of courage coming from out of thin air. ”There are some things that I've been meaning to say for a while now, actually. I just didn't and don't really know how to put them, if that makes sense?”

”I guess you and I have some things to talk about, then,” Kavi said simply.

He walked a little closer and pulled a chair from his desk that was across from his bed and pulled it near his bed, taking a seat in it. Leaning back, Kavi eyed Ariel. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. He knew what he wanted to tell her, but strangely enough, the teen was finding it difficult to find the courage to do so. It wasn’t easy for him to admit his fault. It was bad enough he had to admit it to himself, let alone say it to someone else.

“But since you came all this way, the least I can do is let you go first.” He gestured to her as if giving her the floor.

She took a deep breath. ”I guess the main thing - and forgive me for being so blunt - but you're a dick, Kavi. Well, you've been a dick. I know you aren't a total douche because I remember the old you,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. ”It's no big secret that I have a crush on you, either. It never has been. But I've tried to be here for you in the only way that I know how. I don't know what flipped that switch inside you, but I've been here the whole time, ya know? And I'm tired of leaving myself open to get hurt over and over again.”

It was clear based off of Kavi’s reaction that he didn’t expect her to open up with that, but there was no turning back now. So he breathed out a small sigh. “I’m well aware of how you feel - or would it be felt - about me. I’ve known since our science project last year. You came up with just about any excuse in the book you could to come over.” Kavi recalled the days where they had hung out for two weeks straight because of that ridiculous Earth Science project. “It’s because of you my parents keep buying sour skittles even though I told them you haven’t been over in over a year,” he laughed, now realizing how long ago it was since they were in his room together. Alone.

That caused Ariel to smile ever so slightly. ”Wonder how they'd feel about me if they knew I was the one who broke your nose,” she said, sighing. ”What's all this talk of you going to jail?”

Kavi had laughed. Slowly. “Well, it’s not just talk,” he admitted somewhat nervously. “I spent a night with Palm Beach’s finest.” Somehow, that came out more like he was proud than how he really felt about it.

”You… God's Kavi,” Ariel said, rolling her eyes. ”Are you Okay? What are the charges? Are there charges?”

As he stretched, he let out a loud moaning sound. “It’s nothing major, but,” his voice trailed off, looking away from Ariel somewhat, though his gaze returned to her not long after it left, “something including high-speed chase, evading a police officer -- or may it’s engaging in a high-speed chase. Honestly, I don’t even know the proper terms. Oh!” He banged his closed fist into his other, open palm as though he remembered something. “In possession of a stolen vehicle. Can’t believe I nearly forgot that one.”

”Wha - you - huh?” she managed, obviously flabbergasted. ”Who's car did you steal? Why didn't you just pull over for the cop like a normal person?”

Kavi found himself perplexed by Ariel’s questions. “Are you not hearing yourself right now?” Kavi asked her, unable to hide his laughing grin. “I was in a stolen Ferrari. And the cops were following me. Why would I want to pull over and ruin a night that just began?”

”Why did you steal the Ferrari in the first place, you idiot,” she retorted, her voice going up an octave.

He offered her a shrug. “Dad wasn’t using it, so I figured why not? I was gonna be back before he even realized it was gone.” He told her. To him, his reasons justified the crime.

The young woman rolled her eyes once more. ”Your father's car, she said with a laugh. That just makes you seem less badass. But hopefully, your dad won't press charges. As for the cops, I don't know.” Ariel took a moment to collect her thoughts. ”Now what was it that you really wanted to tell me?

As he sat there, trying to put on a smile, which he did but it was more to bide himself just a little more time for what he knew he had to say. Whatever God was up there that Kavi may or may not believe in, he knew he had to be enjoying this. Kavi Salvador, the artist formerly known as The Bully, was in a position where he could at least make the attempts to start over. He may not be able to undo all the wrongs he has committed, but Ariel was at least a good place to start.

There came a sigh from him before he would just talk. “I’m not really good at this sort of thing. Admitting when I’m wrong has always been something completely foreign to me. I honestly never thought I ever was wrong. Everything I’ve done this year and during the summer hasn’t been my finest hours.” That was the first time he said that out loud. It was clear he was struggling. “I know I’ve hurt people. I tormented poor Elijah. I have distanced myself from most of the Misfits and my own fucking cousin of all people. And, yeah I get that a lot of harm has been done, but you were hurt the most, Ariel. You literally did nothing to deserve the way I treated you, both in how I acted when you reached out and how I assumed certain things about you - like when we were at Santiago’s party.” Kavi could still see her face when he pulled at her arm that night.

Ariel just sat there, nodding her head patiently at certain points to let him know that she was listening. One thing just about everyone could agree on was how good of a listener the girl was. It was both a blessing and a curse at times. But in Kavi's case, Ariel had never minded just… listening.

Suddenly very aware of every bruise on her body, she did her best to adjust the collar of her jacket over the one on her neck nonchalantly. ”You aren't the only one that assumed anything that night, Kavi. So many people looked at me like I was the crazy chick. They still do. But then again, maybe they aren't wrong.” She sighed, making eye contact with him once more. ”I'm not sure why you're apologizing, or if you've got some twelve step program figured out or whatever. But I think everyone has some amends to make this year. Just because you've done bad things doesn't make you a bad person. It's not like you've killed anyone.” Ariel sat up straight, suddenly getting serious. ”You…. Haven't killed anyone, right?”

Kavi leaned back, smirking. “If I had, wouldn’t that makeup for my supposed lack of badassery?” He asked, joking of course with his usual arrogant-like charm attached to it.

”Depends on if they ever found the body. And if so, how long. Then maybe you'd score a few extra points.”

“That sounds like a lot of work. I don’t think I would have the patience to make sure I got away with it. Besides,” Kavi paused, leaning forward, “I’d rather be charged with assault than premeditated murder,” he said low enough so no possible eavesdropping ears heard what he said. And as Kavi stayed hunched over, he happened to see something on her neck that raised a few mental eyebrows and a physical one. “What happened there? Did you fall down on something?” He asked, pointing to the slightly purple bruise on the right side of her neck.

Ariel felt a sudden panic rise throughout her body. Her weak attempts to cover said bruise had failed miserably, and now she had two choices: lie to Kavi, as she always did in these circumstances, or tell him the truth. The latter couldn't do that much damage since he already knew her secret, but still, it seemed that her mind was well attuned to old habits. ”Oh that's nothing,” she said, doing her best to play it off. ”I get bruises and scrapes and such all the time. Perks of being a klutz.”

Klumzy people didn’t usually get that kind of bruise. Kavi wasn’t sure which part was the truth nor did he know what the true story was behind it, but he knew that sort of bruise wasn’t an accidental fall sort. “Well, you have to be more careful next time. Shit like that can kill you,” Kavi told her, shaking his head. He wanted to push her on it, but maybe he was overthinking the worst case scenario. “There was something else I wanted to say. About the way our date last week ended. Before everything, we had a good time, right? The whole Nadia bit aside, it was fun, right?” Kavi asked. He figured a topic change was needed.

She knew he didn't buy her explanation, but he didn't push her for the answer that he thought he wanted to hear either. For that fact, Ariel was silently grateful. ”I thought we had a good time, yeah. You were actually the perfect gentleman. I was actually kinda proud of you. Why?”

As he swallowed whatever uncertainty had built up, Kavi took in a deep breath. When he exhaled, he just spoke. “Since I had a nice time and you had a nice time, maybe when all this mess with my pending court date is over and, or, when you don’t see me as too much of an asshat -- crazy talk, I know -- we can try it again. And maybe, the next one can be the real deal. No lies, no secrets, no hiding a second girl or parading around with whatever girl wants to date me, and no trying to think of the next score. Just you, me, and whatever follows.” Kavi boldly asked, a feeling in his stomach gathering that was, again, strange.

Kavi Salvador asking a girl for a second date for which he promised no gimmicks? Ariel wasn't sure which fact to be more shocked about. And that look in his eye - was that sincerity?”I'd really like that,” she said with a small smile, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink. ”And I'm sure - if you wanted - my dad would represent you in court. I know your dad probably has lawyers on speed dial, but, eh.”

“I don’t know what kind of case there is. Seems pretty cut and dry: I stole a car and got caught, but if you think if he wouldn’t mind taking it up, then I can tell my parents. If anything, I'll get hit with a fine and community service. Nothing too major, I suppose.” Kavi shrugged at the thought. “But, uh--”

And before Kavi could get out another word, his door opened and, of course, it was his bothersome sister. “Just a heads up, mom’s movie is done. So, you might want to get out of here before he gets in more trouble,” Nikki said, warning both Ariel and Kavi.

“And here we were having such a good time,” he sighed, standing up. “I suppose all good things must come to an end, huh?” Again he let out a sigh. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

Ever so grateful to Nikki's warning, Ariel smiled at the girl as she got up from the bed. Don't forget we have to be in the principal's office tomorrow morning. God's am I dreading that,” she said as they made their way down the steps. Opening the door and stepping outside, she gave a small wave to Kavi.

He saw she was leaving and Kavi followed her. Despite his sister saying something, the door closed behind him before he could hear what she said. He caught up to her by her car. “Ariel, hold up!” Kavi called out to her. “There’s something I forgot to do,” he said, then suddenly kissed her on the cheek. “I’d give you a proper kiss, but this nose brace is gonna prevent me from doing any serious kissing for at least a couple of weeks.”

Her cheeks now turning a bright shade of crimson, Ariel smiled up at him. ”I think I'll manage. And again - I'm really sorry about the whole breaking your nose thing.” Walking towards her car and getting in, Ariel was pretty content with her decision to stop by.

Post a random fact about yourself.

@Gunther Dude. Yes. I support this.

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I over think things. Like.... a lot. And I mean A lot.

Olympus Academy // A School for Demigods and Demigoddesses

Cicily Delamar

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The pairing arrangements weren't that bad, actually. People tried to act like the experiment was a bad idea, but from Cicilys stand point, it was a great idea. Then again, maybe the others weren't as lucky as she when it came to their pairing. Dustyn seemed to be the perfect roommate, not to mention she was a cutie, but whatever. The day was shaping up to be a tad bit boring for the young woman, so she settled for taking a long shower after she got back from picking up her schedule.

Right on time, her phone dinged signalling that she had received a message. Picking up her phone, she would see that the message was from her good friend Asher.

Party at the lake. Be there.

Well. Maybe today wasn't going to be so boring after all. Looking across the bedroo, she flashed a smile at her new partner in crime. "Hey Dustyn. Rumor has it there's a party at the lake. Wanna come with?"

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Asher Alcott

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Ashers day had been spent playing video games while waiting to go to the party. Grand Theft Auto five would be his game of choice. He was currently running over pedestrians who wouldn't get out of his way. "Shoulda walked faster," he said in response to their screams. Pausing the game to save it, he realized what time it was. Picking up his phone he sent a message to Cicily, then Ariana.

There's a party going on at the lake. Meet me there, Princess.

He gave himself a glance over in the mirror. White dress shirt, his collar unbuttoned a few notches and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He had settled on khaki shorts for his pants selection. Not the best, but eh. It was good enough. It didn't matter what he wore anyway, really. Asher Alcott was known to be the life of the party. Taking a deep breath and walking out the door, he began his journey to the lake.

Shuffle your music player and post the first 10 songs

Dirty Laundry ~ All Time Low
Bored ~ Bea Miller
Dirty Pretty ~ In This Moment
Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time ~ Panic! At The Disco
Middle Fingers ~ MISSIO
Sad Song ~ We The Kings _{(they played this song at warped last year and I fucking bawled like a baby. no shame.)}
Circle ~ Flyleaf
Slow Down ~ Icon For Hire
Meet Me On The Battlefield ~ SVRINCA
Some Say ~ Sum 41

Post a random fact about yourself.

I miss being eight.

I'd come home from school, Nana would have dinner made. Papa would be watching M.A.S.H. I'd do my homework, and by then my parents would be home. My brothers and I would watch Disney, go to bed and when I woke up at 2:30 in the morning George Lopez would be on TV. Me and my cousins would play manhunt in the woods and walk down to the river.

Eight was a pretty good age for me.