So I decided to write some reviews for these entires as well because why not and you can't stop me. I'm already more than halfway done so if I'm feeling productive I'll have them done maybe before I sleep? We'll see.
Ok done. All right, it’s time for another round of B-dawg’s semi-contributive reviews! (Hold your applause until the end please).
I’m much too fickle to offer a concrete rating or point system, so my reviews merely consist of my personal, somewhat rambling (or inappropriate) thoughts that I felt were worth sharing when I read your entry. As expected of a review, I’ll mention what I like, what I don’t like, and other miscellaneous opinions, if applicable. There’s always something to appreciate in a story as long as genuine effort and mindful consideration was demonstrated, just like is always something you can improve upon. If you have any questions or comments based on something I’ve mentioned in these reviews, feel free to bring it up with me. I’m friendly, I like to think.
Now, keep in mind, I am no perfect writer/reader and will not be making critiques as such. I may misunderstand, misinterpret, or misread something in your writing. If that’s the case, do try and keep any reactions sensible. (Not that I’ve ever had a problem with this before, but it’s worth mentioning.)
Since I’m not a judge for the Labour itself, I will not be making any direct acknowledgements of your entry with regard to if it fits the challenge parameters, though I might bring it up in the sense that I’ll say something along the lines of “I see where you’re going with the plot due to the challenge.”
K, are you ready? I am. Let’s go.
A continuation? Oh, cool! I do (somewhat) remember the prequel to this entry, though I won’t be rereading it completely since there’s already a lot to deal with here. (As Terminal said, the limit was broken!)
So, here’s the good news. I skimmed over Terminal’s review for your entry in the previous Labour and took into account his suggestions as I read your entry. In my opinion at least, I do think you worked at making the plot flow more efficiently and used more effective words. I’d say the beginning was best at demonstrating this. There were a few almost poetic-sounding lines that I think deserve an honorable mention:
“I was put in an apartment where rent was low, yet the quality was lower.” “I wanted to put the rumour to rest… or rather, a test.” “However, it seemed like I had not fully regained it. In fact, I barely retained it.”
Now, I have to say, I noticed the quality beginning to decay a little bit toward the end. Maybe you were rushing, maybe not, I don’t know. It’s not like it ruined the story or anything. Besides, I can already see your handle of grammar is quite firm, which is always something I like to see.
The conclusion seems appropriate enough, with Zack giving up on trying to regain his powers and choosing to lead a normal life.
You know, I appreciate a short(er) story, and considering the length, I think you did a pretty good job.
Okay, so Caerys is probably one of my favorite characters ever, now.
If this was an RPGC installment, I’d probably have voted for this entry. Excellent job. It was really just a pleasurable and immersive read with interesting character development and a mysterious backstory that drew me in even more.
Also, just a guess, since I’m big into making meaningful names, is Odio based off the Spanish word el odio, i.e. hatred? Because it seems fitting. And while I’m at it, Pedrel is similar to Pedro, which comes from piedra which means rock/stone, i.e. how a leader should be. If these were unintentional, then wow. What a crazy coincidence? Caerys sounds like caries to me, but that's dental decay, so I’m not sure if that’s very relevant, save the decay bit. As for the other names, I can’t find any parallels in Spanish, I don’t think. Still, pretty cool.
There are only two critiques that come to mind. The first and more petty of the two is that I think I remembered spying a few innocent spelling mistakes (not actual spelling mistakes, but things like leaving the -s off a work by accident. I do that all the time, so I guess I can’t throw any stone). The other thing is, oh, actually forget that. I had misread something and I’m too lazy to change what I’ve already written.
Your entry reminded me vaguely of the Deltora Quest series (I suppose it’s more of a kid’s book), both in setting and in narration style, but, like I said, this is only a loose similarity. I think you do a better job than Rodda does.
Okay, so I’m going to open up with something that had confused me from the very beginning. I had thought Temmel was Luanne, and Luanne was Luanne’s mother. I think this happened because I read it too… linearly.
At any rate, I though this was a good story, like every other entry here. This one, mostly by use of dialect, really kinda immersed you in the tale, so good job incorporating that into the dialogue. The narration was very descriptive and rich, obviously a stark contrast from the character’s speaking (which is good because I could barely figure out what they were saying. Which isn’t bad by the way! I said barely. I still figured it out. I actually do really appreciate the dialect.)
As for criticisms, I can’t think of much. Grammar quirks were few, yadda yadda. Although I’m a little curious as to what exactly the theme of the story is (something which I am terrible at doing regardless). Honesty? Betrayal? Love, perhaps? Hmm.
So yeah, your story makes a lot more sense if you read it a few times again. I can see where my naming oopsies came into play, but obviously you didn't mean for that to happen. The story is indeed very well written, the author clearly demonstrating not only a mastery of grammar and structure, but of, well, horses and guns and stuff! I do like stories of this kind of genre, so keep it up!
So when I first read the prompt, something along the lines of this story came to my mind. I mean, obviously it wasn’t the exact idea, but it was cool to see someone else who went in the same direction. Your story is clearly well thought out and really elegantly written, though there were some grammar mistakes, not that they were consistent or bad or altered the coherency of your sentences. I mean, you had twelve days to write this, so you’re good. The only other thing worth pointing out is that some of your paragraphs were pretty bulky, which means two things. One, you can write a lot, which is good. Two, it can be a little intimidating and even hard to read (at least for me, getting lost in lines), which can be bad. But every writer has their own views on when to start a new paragraph soooooo…. can’t really snipe you on that.
What I’d like to know is what was up with the mermaids? I mean there were never quite explained, and Trevor himself didn’t bother/care to think about it. But I bother/care!
At any rate, I kinda like that Trevor was able to achieve his goal, and only through the aid of a previously sworn enemy species. So yeah, I thought that was pretty awesome. Though I certainly hope all the fame and fortune doesn’t get to Trevor’s head, even though he did it all for his younger brother. :P
Ooooh, poem! Wasn’t expecting to see one here, but okay. I’m game.
So, as you may or may not know, I’m the #1 fan of free verse poetry, because my rhyming is awkward and unrhythmic, which is why I always appreciate a poem that pulls it off impeccably, much like the poem for which I voted in the last RPGC. The rhymes are almost melodic to me.
What I most like about poetry is that you can toy around with structure and tinker with the comparatively strict rules that prose abides by. The first thing about your poem that caught my attention was the third line of the first stanza:
The electronic words un“spoken”
As well as the repeated lines of dialogue in the second stanza.
We can see that the unnamed female that this poem is about (or perhaps could be expanded to include an entire population of people who have, lamentably, taken their lives as a result of depression brought about by loneliness, bullying, et cetera) has taken on a great deal of hurt in her life, and even in stripping herself of it, believes that, “They might care more if [she] could die!” Truly, it is a sad implication, but a beautifully done poem in my opinion.
As for criticism, it’s generally hard to criticize poetry in general apart from obvious spelling mistakes, of which the poem is free. Because, like, y’know, poetry is complex and usually everything has some kind of hidden meaning or motive behind it. But I guess what I don’t like, which isn’t your fault really, is that sometimes I suck at analyzing things that obviously are significant, a prime example being the one line I indicated above. As you can see, I left out any sort of information other than the fact that I liked it. Regardless, I enjoyed reading your entry.
For me, this was my favorite title of the bunch. Oh, and I kinda appreciate you formatted it how most books are formatted. Like, with indented paragraphs. I’m too lazy to do that, so you get +1 effort points right there.
So, um, sorry. I admit that I almost squealed with delight when Roan called the sword “the key” because I immediately thought of Kingdom Hearts. Please forgive me for that.
Anyway, okay, yes. This was a masterfully written piece. The narration, the dialogue, the plot, everything. It was smooth, easy to read, it was simply wonderful. Obviously this is only a chunk out of something much larger, but I think we can all guess why it was this part of it and not something else. I am very curious as to who the “bastard” is, and what kind of barrier he possesses. Perhaps one made out of a human soul? Regardless, this was an awesome piece of literary, um… Literary something. It was good, okay?
I really wanted to make the title the Latin equivalent of the phrase, but I’m glad I didn’t. This seems more appropriate in good ol’ English. Oh, Max. You… lol. You’re something else. Thanks for (unknowingly) providing me with the inspiration to pull this one off.
Okay, if you hadn’t put in your preface that this was a summary and that paragraph transitions would be choppy, I would’ve been genuinely upset with your entry. But you seem like you can really spin up some nice tales, just by the way your writing is, so I’m obviously not going to sling anything mean your way since you already acknowledged it.
Ugh, so let the record show Matt is one of my least favorite characters. And I mean that in a good way. You wrote him in a way that made me annoyed at his practical jokester-ness. Seriously. I wanna slap that kid upside the head.
Also, I used to be the big card dealer on the playground when Yu-Gi-Oh! was still a big thing, so the Harpie Lady inclusion was pretty kickass. (It was one of my favorite cards. Elegant Egotist? Harpie’s Pet Dragon? Harpie Lady Sisters? HARPIE’S FEATHER DUSTER? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ahem. Yeah, but mostly as a little kid I kinda thought they were good-looking. looool)
I’m just confused about the powers, who has them, and why. You’ll have to excuse me, because I know nothing about superhero fandoms. I saw the Fantastic Four movie once and forget what it was even about, really. So I’m just curious as to how Matt, Will, and (possibly?) Kyra received their powers, and how Kelly knows how to subdue Matt’s. But other than that, I’d like to see this entry actually strung out and less choppy. Would be interesting.
Ahh, I remember writing a review for Little Me.
Oh, wow, this’ll be a long one. Looks like you were the one who broke the limit, eh? Hmmm!
Hah, just kidding, I don’t care.
“A few minutes prior”… Time traveling within a story about time traveling? Meta-time-traveling?! Okay, I can dig it, I can dig it.
Oh, oh my.
Oh, wow.
Okay. Maybe I can’t dig it.
So, those descriptions you gave of Calan? Where he looks like he’s in pain and stuff? Yeah, that’s me right now. Whew, you really spun up a crazy tale there. Time travel is definitely not my cup of tea. I could sorta follow the logic behind the main character’s plan and how she executed it, but damn! The future time travelers need to come to this time and recruit you, if there was ever any kind of… um. Intergalactic time-based warfare, and they needed a strategist. Holy damn.
Now, the idea and the plot itself were very unique and I really liked that, but the story itself did not flow very well with me. It was long and included a lot of action, and I mean a lot, but things just felt a little rushed, with leaving some details out. However, like all of us, you had a limited timeframe and the gist of your story was still communicated, so, okay, I guess. But still, WOW. Have you watched Inception? Could you explain it to me? I’m serious. The fact that you actually wrote a story about time traveling and, and, and… making it actually work (fairies and parallel universes notwithstanding), that’s pretty commendable.
The protagonist went through ALL THAT, just to ensure her past self lived a better life. Pretty selfless, I’d say. Or… Well, I guess by definition that is technically selfish, but since she herself isn’t getting any benefit from it… Ah, you get what I’m saying. :)
Thanks to Holmishire’s entry causing me to do some research on the Deltora Quest series, I have just discovered it was made into an anime and will be semi-binge-watching it as I fall asleep. Thank you, and good night!
I was originally gonna have Zack swallow his pride and give up on fighting people, with Sam, his brother, giving him batteries for him to eat, allowing him to regain a fraction of his power without overloading him or having enough juice to be effective, though only temporary. Essentially fulfilling the conditions of him obtaining his goal through different thinking.
I found a couple of problems with the ending though. For one, it made Sam seem like a drug dealer, because the previous chapter and this one made it seem like he was addicted to the power and that Sam was egging the addiction on instead of not allowing any information regarding regaining powers to enter Zack's ears like he had vowed before. Also, eating batteries seemed like a very, very cheap way for him to regain powers, even if it is out of the box for him.
the Deltora Quest series [...] was made into an anime and will be semi-binge-watching it as I fall asleep.
Woah, really?!
Deltora Quest was on of two big series that pulled me into reading fantasy as a kid—the other being Amos Daragon, which is written in French. I've got all the books stored away in my personal library. Now, while I can't say my entry was inspired by them in any way, it is nice to be reminded of my "origins", if you will.
As for the character names, in Odio's case, you were correct. His name comes from Latin, and means hate or dislike. The others, however, were Welsh-inspired. Caerys is a blend of two variants of the same name, cerys and carys—I chose to use the ae because it felt more like Latin—which mean loved one. Pedrel, Neikel, and Heilwen have no direct meanings, because I just scanned a list of male Welsh names, found some patterns, and mixed them together. Though Pedrel was derived from pedr, or peter, and Neikel's name was changed to sound like nickel for no particular reason. Well, peter is actually derived from the Latin stone like you said, but that was unintentional.
I'd like to thank you for your review, and I'm glad you liked my entry!
On top of that I would like to say 'Great job!' to @Psyga315 and @Holmishire for getting through the third labour as well. I hope to see you both in the 4th again.
And a special thank to @RomanAria and @Blitz for your reviews. The grammar mistakes and commonly confused words is something I'll try to keep an eye on.
As I mentioned a while back in this thread, I was treading the line between what I figured would win, and what I actually wanted to win. In this case, choosing between focusing on his soul-gathering or on his morality. Ultimately, this is the entry I wanted, and it brings me no small joy that it succeeded!
Wellllll... that happened. Oh well. Note to self: If you're going to go outside the box, render it a little bit more nicely. Or have someone who actually knows that they're doing be the one to go outside the box. My entry was "Forgotten Dream". Maybe next time I'll try to write another poem, maybe not...
Awesome, I made it! Now to respond to Terminal’s review.
First criticism — I can totally see where you’re coming from on this, and I even wondered if it was worth including. The main reasons I did it, as you guessed, were to A) give a false sense of hope and to B) show how circumstance did indeed conspire to screw him, and also C) just for the sake of consistency. They went outside, so I felt like writing about them outside. I guess it’s just a quirk of mine. Although, yes, I can totally see why it would see out of place, and I figure I could’ve established those things through other means.
Second criticism — Okay, so… How do I explain this one? I guess this isn’t a very good reason, but punt returner isn’t the most *glorious* position to hold on the field, per se. And more as an act of pity, as well as perhaps hope, Coach Robinson wanted to place Max with the defensive backs (which aren’t nearly as beefy as defensive linemen), because he could’ve played safety, specifically free safety, and have to potential to save the game, stop a big play, etc. They also aren't necessarily the burliest people on the field either, so I didn't think it would be a long-shot. Free safeties appeal to Max’s sense of analysis as they are far back and watch a play unfold before trying to stop the ball—I tried to show this as Max watched Reid coming for him. Though, alas, I could’ve just as easily injured Max as a punt returner, so I concede your argument.
Third criticism — I tried to be vague here, but didn’t realize it would lead to confusion. The moment Max had fallen and very obviously injured himself, Mr. Palmer got up and left from where he was sitting in embarrassment. I know, shit dad right? But yeah, it’s not like he was never there to begin with. Oops! I mainly just didn’t know how to write that fact without explicitly stating so (which I didn’t want to do), so… Again, oops.
Edit: I also need to be more careful about what I should include in my story. Before writing, I wrote a mock CS for Max, just so I'd know what I'm working with to maintain consistency, but there were things in his CS that I left out from the story, because, well I myself already knew it. Like the fact that Mr. Palmer played football in college but never went pro, thus explaining his wanting to live vicariously through his two sons. Oh well. ^^;
Reviews. May or may not have been influenced by my current mind-set as I was reading them. I've written what I've been thinking after reading the entry. That's about that.
... *sigh*. Oh, well. Yeah, that's being stubborn, but it is hard to accept the loss of something if there's even the slightest possibility to get it back. In any case.
The writing is alright. I certainly see why you picked Zack to be the character here, given the challenge. Gee, these challenges aren't very kind to these two, are they? In any case. While your writing is perfectly fine, the story was kind of dull. Mercifully short, but it was obvious how it would end from the first sentences. I don't really see how he failed to challenge his mind to get what he wanted, suppose if he had incapacitated the guards they wouldn't have blown up the thing. Oh, well. It is nice enough. You're capable of nice things, so yes.
*shiver* Alright, that was creepy. The title does declare something about what he has decided here. This series of unfortunate events... Oh, well. About that "goal that takes legendary effort and toil", it is there, but at the same time it isn't the focal point of the story here, is it? We don't actually get to know if taking this darker route helps him ultimately achieve his goal. Oh, well. Now that I'm done with that nitpick, time to stroke your ego.
Wonderfully written. There's never a dull moment when you're writing, eh? The story is engaging, the explanations makes sense without disruption and the ultimate result of the story is both heart-breaking and understandable. We do not get the whole story here, but for this chapter, yikes, you're good at creating characters. Very well done. I'm still shaken. Geesh.
*reads Aria's review* Ah. I see. Nitpick invalidated. Well done.
Not sure what the goal was. What exactly the challenge was. Oh, well.
That's a sad little tale, but it was really well executed. I don't have a problem with any of the contents, it was fine. It had to end like that, huh. Oh, well. Well written. I don't think I have anything else to say about it.
I'd like to make the point that I never got confused about who was who.
Well, that was probably the most classic and believable way this Labour could be accomplished. There is no question what the goal is, no question of what the challenge was and no questions about what change was needed in order to accomplish the goal. You completed the labour exactly as it was said on the tin, no need to think about any complicated reasonings behind anything, this was just so very classical and clear. I am a little perplexed as to why not make the challenge he needed help with the final challenge, but eh, that's not strictly necessary. This thing was so classic that I was like expecting it to throw a twist at me at any second. It didn't, it remained classic, and although therefore somewhat plain it does its job well and was well written. Nicely done.
Some of those paragraphs could have been split up into smaller, more easily read ones. Haha.
Oh, you made it easy for me.
Super-short, super-poetic, super-confusing. So, uh, she tried to die in order to make people care about her, but in her suicide they instead frowned upon her cowardly decision to escape life. I think? In any case. I am impressed by your intention to take on this challenge with a poem. Though, um. Wasn't the thing about the challenge that "Change and succeed, or do not change and fail"? She changed, didn't she? Suicide is an alternative method that one would have to change in order to make the decision to do. Yet, she failed by changing? Doesn't that go directly against the intentions of this challenge? Did I miss something? Oh, well. Nice rhymes! That title drop was spectacular! :D
... Tsk. ... I suppose that was the nature of the Labour. On one hand, I would question the ambivalence of the character. She appears to be a straight-forward good person, I don't see the potential darkness also residing inside her. On the other hand, you did as the challenge indicated. Had she tried to remain good to the end, both she and him would have tumbled to their deaths. She had to decide to do the logical, if cold, thing to do and let him go in order to grab the sword for whatever purpose it was that she had come for it for. I have nothing to complain on that for. Well done making me like the characters on that short a notice. It is excellently written. I agree with what Blitz wrote. Now, what do I do? Eh. Onto the next.
*sigh* Oh, well. If nothing else, he should at least be praised for trying. I'm unsure which version of football this is, but in the end that doesn't even remotely matter. I got the exact same aura from this as I got from a certain sports-related book I read as a part of my education when I was younger. Well, except in that book the struggles of the boy paid off well, but, eh, details. What I meant to arrive at is that this could have been what I was reading, that's the quality of it. I will mention that I got bored by said book, but undoubtedly there are those that would not be. I find your decision to include all the scenes, regardless of how relevant they were, to make the entry feel like a real-life story. It felt like it was the true story it was loosely based on, and that's well done. It felt believable. So in that kind of way, well done. Now, I will admit that I myself don't really agree with this genre, but I do have enough experience with it to tell when it is pulled off well. And this is. Nicely done.
The way this entry told me everything that happened was not very exciting. I might have seen this with different eyes if it had been the first one I read, but now it was the last one, and not only was I getting tired but I was getting bored as well after the last one, and this in no way revitalized my excitement. I, um, don't feel like writing a lot. There is ability to write in this entry, it was just used the wrong way. Considering the introduction, I feel like you knew that already.
As I personally consider what I know you to have written in the past, I'd like to suggest have you somehow write a shorter entry, with only enough dialogue to get the message across, and have the rest of it be descriptions as the character experiences the world around him or her, describe the character's emotions about it, how s/he acts in the world and why. Perhaps a little exposition in the beginning. Don't necessarily take that to heart, but. Keep things in mind.
So, I don't think I responded to all the reviews on my last entry, so I will do so here.
@PlatinumSkink Right? It's good. We're dealing obviously with a very action-heavy story, and the action is solid. Since it is a battle, I'm not going to stress out much about 'OH THERE WASN'T ENOUGH BACKGROUND FOR XYZ," I mean, this is a fight not a bible story. The scene with the kid isn't super -- the points are getting across, this is a badass swordmaster with a specific attitude, he's issuing a challenge, he's scary and he killed his dad.... it's not super though, and it almost could be. If we focused a little more on character development, in like an active way, during that scene, it would carry the action a little better later on.
I think you are abusing the ellipsis a little bit, and that's something I do myself, so I'm really not trying to offend. There's a lot of ellipses in here. I mean a whole lot. I'm not saying EVERY SINGLE ONE needs to be replaced with sentences, but most of them probably should be. As an exercise, try writing out a few connective sentences/fragments/whatever, especially on the trailing ellipses, and see what comes out. It might be better (it might not, too, but still). Whenever there's that much of something in a story -- be it ellipsis, comma, or 'he said,' it's time to swear off that element for a while just for the sake of growth. Even if it worked perfectly every time, you wouldn't gain much by doing it again.
I'm, eh, not sure what you mean in either of your points. XD ... So, I mean, how would I, in an active way, focus a little more on character development in that scene? Oh, well. You don't need to reply if you don't remember, it was two months ago. XD I'd probably write those example sentences with trailing ellipses and see absolutely nothing wrong with them, as such I don't really know what it would be good for. In my newest entry, I just decided to go CTRL-F and eliminate every single instance of ellipses to stop getting complaints about them. I have no idea where I could use them without people reacting to them, after all. Thanks for saying it is good and praising the action~
Looks like I won't make any comments on the ellipses as people already have. Honestly, I won't comment on them anymore, I promise! You like them, so you do you. Can't blame you, ellipses can be quite addictive. Anyway, on to the story. Your action writing can get a tad mechanical. I do like that you have more character thoughts in the midst of the battle (story in general, really). And it's almost stream of consciousness from the view of the Swordmaster. He's a murderer with a fragile mind it seems. The writing conveys that in the way it feels scattered. Perhaps not always my cup of tea, but when it's done right it can be very powerful. Sion intrigued me with his master mind. I'm pretty fond of those devious types of characters who can pull the rug from underneath just about anyone. There's a lot of telling in his scene with the child. About what he's doing, why he's doing it. Leave something to the imagination would be my advice. That scene with the child should be chilling, spine-tinglingly horrifying and unsettling. But I don't get to see or feel that. I'm told a lot of things that could be conveyed through action, visuals, dialogue that's not on the nose. Lots of creativity and potential for deep, fascinating characters.
Indeed, it is a stream of consciousness from the Swordmaster, though I did plan it out a bit beforehand. Haha. ... I don't have a whole lot more to comment on, but thank you for providing your viewpoints. It does appear it overall did well with you, even if you could poke at many things. Thank you, and I'll keep these things in mind. Leave some parts to the imagination...? Oh, allow me to consider how I could use that. Hahaha. And yeah, I do like my characters. Teh-heh.
And now, my entry was Little Guardian. I don't remember saying I wanted to be anonymous, though suppose I didn't say the opposite, either. It slipped my mind as I was handing it in. Hahaha. Alright, responses, responses.
Ahh, I remember writing a review for Little Me.
Oh, wow, this’ll be a long one. Looks like you were the one who broke the limit, eh? Hmmm!
Hah, just kidding, I don’t care.
“A few minutes prior”… Time traveling within a story about time traveling? Meta-time-traveling?! Okay, I can dig it, I can dig it.
Oh, oh my.
Oh, wow.
Okay. Maybe I can’t dig it.
So, those descriptions you gave of Calan? Where he looks like he’s in pain and stuff? Yeah, that’s me right now. Whew, you really spun up a crazy tale there. Time travel is definitely not my cup of tea. I could sorta follow the logic behind the main character’s plan and how she executed it, but damn! The future time travelers need to come to this time and recruit you, if there was ever any kind of… um. Intergalactic time-based warfare, and they needed a strategist. Holy damn.
Now, the idea and the plot itself were very unique and I really liked that, but the story itself did not flow very well with me. It was long and included a lot of action, and I mean a lot, but things just felt a little rushed, with leaving some details out. However, like all of us, you had a limited timeframe and the gist of your story was still communicated, so, okay, I guess. But still, WOW. Have you watched Inception? Could you explain it to me? I’m serious. The fact that you actually wrote a story about time traveling and, and, and… making it actually work (fairies and parallel universes notwithstanding), that’s pretty commendable.
The protagonist went through ALL THAT, just to ensure her past self lived a better life. Pretty selfless, I’d say. Or… Well, I guess by definition that is technically selfish, but since she herself isn’t getting any benefit from it… Ah, you get what I’m saying. :)
Teh-heh, you're perfectly correct. In fact, if it was 12 days we had to deliver the message, I spent most of the first 11 days coming up with a way for Big Me to somehow trick the History Guardians in a different entry of mine. I had so many different thoughts going around, a lot of "No, she can't do that, she'd fail because-" and lots of dead-ends and changing the rules of the universe to match my hopes. In one possibility there was replacing the picture with a fake one, and time-travel from nearby making the Time Fairies think it was the ripples from the frame they felt but it was actually a time-machine, and for the longest time I was running around with the idea of there being two different time-axises, or that reality only existed up to a certain point and had to happen again in-real-time every time the future was changed...
Lots of really complicated things. When I finally managed to come up with a working plan, I had a single day to write it down on. The result is what you have there. And yes, Calan's reactions are 100% based on what I was feeling when I was trying to create this entry due to the Master's Degree in Temporal Science I had to tear my hair out to get before I was done with this. Seems like you agree with me on that point. Right now, though, I don't regret a thing. That was a ton of fun.
Maybe I should go watch Inception. :P
Your decision to remain anonymous aside, know this: I was genuinely impressed by this entry, and it's easily the best out of your submissions thus far. You've cleaned up basically everything I criticized your previous entries for. The establishing scene and the transition immediately afterwards is somewhat repetitive, but even once I read it the second time around I found that I didn't actually mind. The pacing is nicely balanced, each action is sufficiently descriptive while remaining succinct, and you do an excellent job of conveying both thought and emotion through simple visual descriptions and abstract thought narrative. The entry is cleaner overall, with few typos, grammatical errors, contradictions of tense, or structural errors. I spotted the occasional letter here and there that should have been capitalized and wasn't, but that's a minor nitpick. One thing that I did notice though, was a few awkward of narration - here for example.
I sat instinctively politely, my hands together, staring blankly forward at the young man that had visited me. He didn't look very enthusiastic, either, leaned back relaxed in the chair opposite the table. On top of the table, as ridiculous as it sounds, was a twelve-inch tall fairy, dressed in a tiny green dress and vibrantly displayed in bright and comparatively long green hair, her large transparent butterfly wings waving slowly behind her. She looked at me with lively though worried eyes.
"So, I'm Calan, a History Guardian. This is Miliana, a Time Fairy of Aeternam. We're here because you've been found to have used unauthorized time-travel." The boy explained, sounding like he did take his job seriously but against his own will, practically bored with it. I stared back at them. My head repeated the line. You got to be kidding me. A paranormal phenomenon allowed me to influence the actions of my past self, splitting her off from this reality. In some god-forsaken future, that was illegal?
While your first-person narrative is unbroken, the underlined pieces are contextually inappropriate relative to the rest of their paragraph (and to most of the story as well). In the first case you act as though the narrative were a retelling rather than merely a third person continuous present narrative. In the second case, you literally narrate what her thought is, which disconnects with how you convey what she's thinking in the rest of the story - through the use of abstract narrative or through simple emotional/facial descriptions. That doesn't mean you can't narrate her actual thoughts; just be sure to use an appropriate narrative transition first. Here's a few more examples from later on as well.
I made sure all the flashing instruments were accurate, as I put in the desired date into the computer, like Nyssa had shown me how to do. I was now to become a normal time-traveler rather than a History Guardian. Let's see, machine, what you can do.
I sat down, and strapped myself in place. The fairy felt the movement from my hand, and complained loudly though I held in front of her mouth with a finger. Oh, dear, is it supposed to spin this much?
Also present were a few awkward choices of subject/verb usage as well as a few instances of ambiguous reference- check the first quoted passage above again. 'Bored with it' (his job or his will?), 'My head repeated the line' (Clunky choice of subject that doesn't work well with the chosen verb), and 'that was illegal?' (subject is in a previous sentence). In the future keep a look out for sentence subjects that do not seem to make complete sense as well as for sentences which cannot stand on their own.
The biggest problem I have with this story is something which you have absolutely nothing to do with: These time fairies are complete idiots, and so are their human pets. For beings who possess passive, reflexive time manipulation they seem ill-prepared for even simple Gambits.
I also had a little bit of trouble believing that your character had any compunction about killing Miliana Prime. She seemed to be rather pragmatic in all-but-name at other parts of the story, especially when she double-crossed Nyssa, knocked out Calan, and outright attacked two other time fairies - nevermind the temporal shenanigans that basically ensured none of them would (technically) die. However, you do linger on the event and the complications involved sufficiently to make me at least believe such reluctance was possible. The Labour did call for an ambivalent character, but you probably could have found a way to foreshadow her reluctance more directly.
Keep at it, you are definitely improving - by leaps and bounds, as it were.
That wasn't a decision, that was a slip of my mind. XD
I'm not entirely sure I'm improving. I'd say I was just having a better day. Oh, and I avoided ellipses, because otherwise I'd have gotten comments about it. There were uncapitalized letters? Eternal shame upon me, I'm better than that. Oh, well.
I see what you're saying with the underlined examples and other things you point out. The thing about having some sentences be her actual thoughts was a decision I made to indicate the more character-full occasions. Oh, and yes, by necessity the Time Fairies are rather child-like in nature, and things became like this in order to allow my main character to succeed. I had to pull some really unlikely things to get things into her favour, like Nyssa entrusting her with the most dangerous part of the plan and leaving herself open to be double-crossed... She wouldn't normally have done that, would she? Haha.
I'm pretty sure of her mindset in all scenes. The one thing she absolutely wanted to avoid was to injure someone directly. The attack on those two fairies and on Calan were in the heat of the moment, the double-crossing on Nyssa was easy because she didn't actually injure anyone, and the explosion was indirect and with the comfort that anyone who died could be returned. It was in that final scene that she found that her plan wouldn't be complete had she not killed the fairy in cold blood. She could have let her live depending on what she said, but when Miliana made the mistake of saying that Big Me's plan had failed because Miliana was still alive... Yeah.
Thank you very much for saying you're impressed with my entry. It does make me somewhat happy. I shall do my best to keep that as an ongoing thing with the coming labours. PlatinumSkink, out.
Just wanted to swing back and claim my story, "So Much for the Woman." I was on vacation -- planes and boats and cars and even a horse, and I *barely* got done in time -- and never did get time to review anything yet, but I'm coming back for all of you now that I'm at my home computer and back on my own time. One real (REAL) quick response to reviews before I dive in:
Name confusion -- it was almost way, way worse. Luanne didn't even get a name until I was almost done with the hanging, and finally I decided she really needed one. Also 'Temmel' is a borrowed boss from one of my other stories, so it was confusing for me too while I was writing (actually if you go back to the first labor, his name shows up in that abomination I submitted).
Thematically, I mean, it's a western, and most of 'the point' is usually something along the lines of 'how a man acts.' Ames had a very peculiar moral code -- he was totally willing to stab his boss to death in his sleep, but not to sell him out to the law. I was trying to convey his misgivings about criminal life in general by showing him giving up the booze and waking up early for mornin' thinkin'.... Anyway there was a lot of 'coulda given up X at such-and-such a time and it would've worked out,' but he never could. At the same time Luanne was making morally gray choices too -- she could've had what she wanted too, if she'd just set Ames loose on Temmel, but she couldn't do it. I was trying to come at the challenge from both angles. Everyone would've been happier if the good person would get her hands dirty and/or the bad guy would clean up his act. Maybe that was the theme? It's complicated.
also
The actions and dialogue and expositions -- all necessary -- were pretty much straight to the point. "I killed my parents. I wanted a challenge, but they weren't a challenge. I need to find another challenge, here's how, now I'll do it." Again -- it totally worked for this story, it's more of a personal preference and occasionally consensus-opinion that character-driven scenes are more interesting -- so like, instead of saying 'Here's why I kill people, and now I'm going to set up a big fight,' you might have Nathaniel sitting in the tent, confused and angry, and the kid is scared poopless, just trying to not get stabbed, and gradually it comes out that Nathaniel has to set the stage for his greatest battle yet. I hate suggesting totally different approaches like that -- do not put any value in it at all, it's just an example of a different way to handle the same story. When I wrote 'more character development in an active way,' what I meant was a step or two away from the plot -- just two characters in a tent, being humans, and the friction between them, independent of the battle. It's narcissistic to even mention it but.... contrast 'so much for the woman' and 'swordmaster.' They both begin with one-on-one conversations leading up to a battle -- we handled them very differently. Since I'm me, eventually I'm always gonna tend to like my way better -- that's all it is I guess.
Does the "prize" have to be the same for the protagonist and his/her allies? In other words, if the protagonist succeeds, the protagonist gets "Prize" A. If he/she fails, the allies get "Prize B".
There's a story I've been working on for a long time, off-and-on. Haven't been able to carve out enough time to write the conclusion, but this is *almost* a perfect fit.... but only if there's nuance involved. It's about a noble lord gradually rejecting his nation to save his own (conquered) lands. So he's totally the ambitious guy, going it alone except, he's got subordinates following him. Most of those people are along for the ride all the way through. So even though he's 'Going it alone' in terms of the court nobility, he's bringing his lieutenants with him (most of them anyway), and those would be his 'friends' as described by the challenge.....
typing it out, I feel like that doesn't actually fit the labor. BUT IF IT DID, I would really love to finish it and share it here. It'd be crazy stupid long and I think one of the better big-pieces I've written.
No special treatment..... is that (plausibly, assuming I actually write it correctly) a fit for the challenge? I've got plenty of other ideas if that's better.
Ironically, in the Lies contest I have told a huge Lie! I said it would be unlikely I would write for another contest but upon seeing what this labour will be... XD
Does the "prize" have to be the same for the protagonist and his/her allies? In other words, if the protagonist succeeds, the protagonist gets "Prize" A. If he/she fails, the allies get "Prize B".
That works, so long as the protagonist is denied prize A.
I've got a question.
There's a story I've been working on for a long time, off-and-on. Haven't been able to carve out enough time to write the conclusion, but this is *almost* a perfect fit.... but only if there's nuance involved. It's about a noble lord gradually rejecting his nation to save his own (conquered) lands. So he's totally the ambitious guy, going it alone except, he's got subordinates following him. Most of those people are along for the ride all the way through. So even though he's 'Going it alone' in terms of the court nobility, he's bringing his lieutenants with him (most of them anyway), and those would be his 'friends' as described by the challenge.....
typing it out, I feel like that doesn't actually fit the labor. BUT IF IT DID, I would really love to finish it and share it here. It'd be crazy stupid long and I think one of the better big-pieces I've written.
No special treatment..... is that (plausibly, assuming I actually write it correctly) a fit for the challenge? I've got plenty of other ideas if that's better.
You know as well as I do that all entries should be written specifically for the contest at hand. If you feel it still qualifies, do as you will.
