@Prince of SeraphsThis may seem convoluted but here me out.
First find a shady kennel, someone breeding dogs in your neighborhood that doesn't really care where they're going (don't worry they're going to you they're safe). Next you're going to need to install a stripper pole approximately halfway between the nearest hallway to your bedroom door, this is important becauase you may want to take up stripping (also it is key to the plan). We're also going to need a rube goldberg machine in your room that can adequately dispense a small bacon like object to your bedside and ontop of your bed. So I'll wait while you make that. So next up we need some chain, any chain will do though the chain gang typically has the premium chains. Finally, you will need to buy two lifetimes supplies of precooked bacon, keep them in a shed or you can have the lifetime supply on constant delivery to your humble abode. Now the plan, you chain the dog to the stripper pole use the two lifetimes supply of bacon and fill the rube goldberg machine so that you have one piece of bacon fall on your bedside table, and another on your bed. The dog will be hungry for this precooked bacon and attack you, but fret not! You bought the chain you handsome, conniving devil you! Now you take the bacon on your bed, after having been woken up by nearly being mauled to death by a starving rotweiller or similar breed. And deliver it to your faithful alarm clock/dog. You can keep the second piece for yourself.
It's flawless.