naturally, now that I'm rereading the challenge instead of frantically trying to finish a late entry, I'm clear-headed enough to realize I fired a wide, wide miss on, you know, the labor. Which was the whole point. Sigh... WELL! Two more reviews are up, one more to go.
Heh. I dig the presentation. The way this was written feels almost enchanting, somehow. Something magical about it. While the story itself is nothing I’d comment about, the scenery you describe, the atmosphere you present and the horror that the person was feeling. Well delivered.
I will note, though, I didn’t really feel anything at all from the final three paragraphs, and it did feel like the conversation was a little longer than it needed to deliver and maintain the effect. But, that’s really just my personal experience with the entry. I was satisfied after half the entry, and then I was surprised to find I was only half-way done when the woman had already come in. Haha.
… Hm. Alright. I liked the last line. That was a nice way to bring the title into it. However, for most of the rest of the entry, it felt very stale. No matter what was done, your creation wouldn't react, huh. I’m worried if my own entry is similar. Still, I entirely understand where you’re going with this, I’m just kind of unsatisfied by the lack of… well… things that seemed interesting. It was more like a god smiling at an unruly child. Not all that amazing a sight. Oh, well.
But I do like the very last line. It feels like some form of accomplishment has been made. This feels like it’d make an excellent introduction to a longer tale about these two. Well, it probably won’t be, but it’s suitably amazing for it. Though, on its own, it’s not really something I found that memorable. … Except the final line. Yeah. That was nicely dropped. Well done.
Um. So, what was that object? I realized first after I was done reading that it was most likely the titular object, but... Did it really do any Fate Designing? Was what happened that Nathan was to manipulate fate to get to talk to Claire, but Richard had up and gained his own such object and did it first? Because, I suppose that would make sense. But you're not telling me what happened, or really why. I understand why, completely, if we remove the object. He totally just got cold feet. But, add the object, and this turns into an extremely normal turn of events for something that holds something so unnatural.
So, um. Yeah, I'm completely confused, and that's kind of clouding my ability to critique this entry any further. There certainly isn't anything wrong with your writing or your ability to set the scene, but... What happened? I was like ”Oh, notes in the end, they might be able to explain” but... nope, they certainly didn't. … In any case! Good of you to write, still! My simple mind just couldn't understand the things that were in your head, that's all! XD
Wow. That's so simple. It's simply a discussion about the mental condition of the character. Even smaller, it's a discussion about the use of a single adjective about how he was feeling about writing his assignment. That's amusing. How does one even create a character that is supposedly smarter than oneself? That knows information that oneself don't know and is TELLING oneself about it? Haha.
I did consider writing about simply an argument, but I was deterred by the challenge parameters. ”Surrender or cession is inadmissable”, but how does one ever lose an argument by NOT giving up? In a discussion one can always continue putting on arguments and such, when would it end? I kind of feel the same here. Didn't you in the end surrender to Mitch's reasoning? Isn't that what that was? … Oh, well. Suppose I'll have a definite answer when the results of the labour comes up. Very well done, regardless. I enjoyed it. Haha.
*read the notes* OH! … So THAT'S what it was! … That's not the first time you've thrown me for such a loop! XD
Alright. So your opposite is a feared reef monster. Yeeeaaah I don't think a lot of us has many similarities with such a thing. I will admit I went through most of the entry thinking ”What's this all got to do with the labour?”. Well, aside from me wondering what essentially makes you Abrahan- OH! … ”The Narrator” must fall to the monster, and in this case ”The Narrator”... is the guy who wrote the log-book. He's the Narrator, but not of the story, but of his own log-book, and then he had his total failure...
… Did I get that right? Am I figuring out your puzzle? Or am I just totally lost? XD … Regardless. Wow, this entry had a ton of words that I've never heard before. Haha.
Oho. I'm writing this directly after the button was pressed. I must say, this introduction has me interested. I like the idea. Using your own imagination to make a game... Let's see what you do with it.
… Ha. Hahahahaha. Your creation took over the world. Nicely done. That's a way to have an actual confrontation with your creation and having an actual in-universe way of doing so. I like it. Reminds me of that one Star Trek episode where the Sherlock Holmes villain they created in the Holodeck took over the ship. Honestly, the one thing that detracted from the excitement for me was that the opponent turned too powerful. Sure, it's extremely logical that it would happen, but it became a little stale. But I like the idea and I like the execution. It just became a bit obvious what would happen after a while. Nicely done. Haha.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Well. I remembered two out of those four previous entries that you brought along. I'm, uh, I unfortunately spent most of the entry confused. I get that she hijacked the system from you, but as for what she did and how she did it, I kind of got confused. If fact, I'm kind of confused as to why she was given the chance to do this in the first place, and why it was so easy to do. The shift to other worlds was jarring, and it left me scurrying for memories of what those places were. When I read this entry, I had no internet, and even if I would have had the internet I wouldn't have wanted to need to go to those entries just to get rid of this confusion of what abilities the different characters had or why Céline might have wanted to grab them.
If it had been better explained to me why she needed the characters BEFORE they actually did what they were supposed to be there for, and maybe a bit basic update on who they were and where their motivations currently lay then maybe I wouldn't have felt so confused. But, other than confirming that she got her revenge by somehow getting fluid manipulatio- OOOH, it was THAT ENTRY, THAT'S why she could just PICK UP those super-powers in those bracelets...! … See? That's what I mean. I just realized what she had been doing by suddenly remembering that entry while writing the review. Before that, I was like ”how did she get those powers? don't get it”-. I slowly realize what things were, what Émile's power must have been and what the Grace must be, but... Well. This does not change how confused and not-understanding that I was during the story itself.
This is probably pretty spectacular, and I see what you were thinking... but if you pull multiple worlds of your own making into a single entry, PLEASE make sure I don't have to read the rest to understand what's going on. Because... I didn't. In this situation, I would rather have too much information than the opposite. Had it been humerous, I could imagine the lack of information would have worked better, but this is stone-cold serious. Yeah. I also do appreciate a bit of a warning before suddenly entering a world of multiple previous entries. Because like this, I was left in the dark, I felt like. Even though as someone who's most likely read every single one of the other entries I'm probably one of few who should be able to get this, I was still confused. … Oh, well. I do appreciate the thought. … Yeah, I don't have much good to say. Your writing's as good as ever?
The part where you were defeated, that part which the labour's supposed to focus on, sure got melted into the background. That was, like, never her goal, that was just a side-effect of getting her revenge. Just stole a lantern, bam, defeated. Haha.
@PlatinumSkink I actually didn't give the piece a title. I think Terminal just added that to distinguish it. ^.^;;
As for creating a character that knows things I don't, as in the Internal Debate story, it happens to me all the time, so I can understand where @WiseDragonGirl is coming from. My characters will know things I don't, or are supposed to know a great deal about subjects where I'm clueless, and I end up having to look things up. Alternatively, they start taking on traits I don't intend them to, or doing things I'd rather they didn't. This happens to me all the time. I have a vague memory of telling a teacher in elementary school that I couldn't do some multi-step assignment without starting over because the character I'd come up with wouldn't pay attention to some scenario or other. I got very confused when I was told I should make her pay attention, because it's her choice, not mine, and wasn't this how everyone wrote things, by asking the characters what they'd do?
And don't even get me started on Nikki's twenty-something self, who decided that sixteen-year-old James was the most awkwardly adorable thing /ever/ and she was going to get him to like her whatever it took. Two years later, there's a baby (although that /was/ an accident, and mostly the fault of a third party in the rp. Who messes with a gal's birth control, anyhow?!) Thank goodness age of consent in that canon is not the same as where I live, but it's still a bit creepy and most definitely embarrassing.
As for losing an argument, if the opposition makes solid points, and counters your points, I'd call that a loss. You can keep arguing, but it doesn't make sense to after a certain point. The prompt specifically mentioned conflicts of ideals and viewpoints, and those are going to be discussions, so I feel it's a valid way to go about this challenge.
@PlatinumSkink I'm sorry I've confused you—I took a big risk, and sometimes it doesn't pay off. My intention was not to have readers need to read my old entries, though it seems in that regard I have failed.
I'll note, however, that my defeat is not just the acquisition of the lantern. Instead, it has everything to do with the title of the piece.
@shylarah I want a "nod" button. I don't have much to say in response, but, acknowledged. I see what you're saying. Still with my own perceptions about the matter, but I see what you're saying.
@Holmishire Oh. Ah. I see. Alright, that's a bit more clever.
I must say, in hindsight it was fortuitous that this happened to be the same Labour that I decided multiple judges would review every entry. Lots of submissions here which may or may not pass based on technicalities.
@PlatinumSkink that parameter is one I had most difficulties with, I must admit that, and I think if there is one parameter of the challenge that will make me fail the labour, it's that one. But, I figured discussions can be won or lost and that one can lose a discussion if one is unable to convince the other and counter the arguments presented by the other. That is at least my opinion.
Also, thank you @shylarah for your explanation of my piece and sharing what happened in elementary school, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels that way.
@Polybius, I can tell you the only thing I have in common with Mitch is his love for SF, Warhammer and Magic, the gathering, none of which appeared in this piece :)
@mdk You make some very good points. I think those word choices pop up when I start to worry too much about making an entry perfect—when I get to the point of doing too much proofreading, essentially, and things start to get worse instead if better.
The mini-endings I think I especially need to work on—I was satisfied with endings I and IV, but I had essentially given up on 0, II, and III due to time constraints. (Not that that's any excuse.)
As for the challenge, the Ghost was intended more as a clue to direct people as to where to look—not the end goal itself. It seems he's more distracting than anything. I'll not explain the details of how I intended to complete the challenge any further until after the results are in, however, because I want to avoid influencing the judges.
Finally, I'd like to say your story was my favourite of the bunch, though I definitely would not have guessed the intended narrator without the addendum.
As for the challenge, the Ghost was intended more as a clue to direct people as to where to look—not the end goal itself. It seems he's more distracting than anything. I'll not explain the details of how I intended to complete the challenge any further until after the results are in, however, because I want to avoid influencing the judges.
Too late for that, we decided on the results way earlier in the day. Now we are just letting you stew.
