Contest #31 - Tuna Salmon Catfish Trout: Judging
The submitted entries, printed on A4 paper, sat patiently on the wooden surface of the table they were all surrounding, as if expecting the three girls to begin reading and critiquing them. Or at least, that was what a more poetic gal would've thought, because Chloé Midori saw nothing of the sort in the giant stack of paper. All that she could glean was that the
@Crimmy guy running the contest really wasn't super popular if he'd only gotten like, four entries. She wondered if it was like, the way to go if she wanted to feel a bit sorry for it, but it wasn't like he was judging or anything. That boring stuff was supposed to be her job, and only because she was getting paid. Getting a fancy ID wasn't going to pay for itself just because some rando wanted it!
"
Time to suss these out," she declared with a tinge of a sigh, leaning over the table to grab at the first entry on the pile. "
So some Here-whatsit wrote th-"
"
Oh, that's the joke entry," interrupted Hùong before she could even get started on the reading part. "
You can just throw it away."
Her bespectacled friend's words gave her pause. Chloé glanced down at the sheets in her hands. So there were only
three entries? Why couldn't have Hùong like, told her earlier? She'd totally just wasted money on printing that entry out! Now it'd just be heading into the recycling. It wasn't much cash that she'd dropped or anything, but it meant that she was like, killing an unnecessary tree or something.
"
Fine," the green-haired girl grumbled out, placing the paper away from the actual entries. The pay'd better come as promised, because otherwise it'd just not be cool at all. She reached for the next piece of paper to inspect. "
This one's by, hey wait, isn't this like, the same guy as before?"
Hùong nodded, taking a copy for herself and the ever-silent Galla. "
It is. At least this one isn't a joke though!"
Chloé stared down at the writing on the page. Then back at her friend.
"
It totally looks like one though," she insisted, jabbing a finger at a line which boldly declared the strength of a certain bespectacled character's ability to catch shrapnel with chopsticks. "
It's like, a parody of one of those kids' cartoons."
"
Satire's a legit art, Chloé."
It still like, read like a joke though.
"
Fine," she muttered. "
Let's see what this guy's coughed up ..."
BEACON OF HOPE - @HereComesTheSnowChloé stared down at the summary of the world that the strange Snow guy had written up. "
This setting's like, pretty much real life but fancier?"
"
It's probs easier to keep stuff like that to reduce worldbuilding time and focus on wacky," Hùong replied offhandedly, her glasses obscured by light as she concentrated on the words.
"
Bit lazy isn't it?"
"
Sans-déc. Kids don't care about worldbuilding."
"
Well ..." Chloé started, before realising that no, kids like, really didn't care about that stuff. She'd never watched much of the stuff 'cos it was for the boys, but the stuff she'd like, seen never bothered. "
Yeah. I guess you're right there."
"
Still," noted her friend. "
It's a pretty generic place. Even the school!"
"
I know right?" nodded the green-haired girl in agreement. "
You'd think like, it'd be full of total weirdos and murderers."
"
Our school is not a representative sample."
"
Hey!" A note of protest found its way into her tone. Sure, it was pretty
bordel, but it wasn't like, all crazy all the time. "
Just because like, half of the folks here are super munted doesn't mean we're that much wackier."
"
I heard that Blueberry wants WiFi in his prosthetic."
"
Okay, we're ... a bit wacko?" She mentally revised her opinion of the guys at school. And people thought her standards for a boyfriend were like, super strict or something. Not when like, everybody here was somebody she'd not go for in a total century. But that wasn't the point right now. "
So, like, a demon invasion? That's like, cliché, but it's supposed to be, right?"
"
Yep. All these characters are too and-" Hùong trailed off, finding a familiar name. "
Hey Galla, isn't this your sis?"
The stoic girl didn't look up from her copy. "
Probably."
"
Okay that's like, real weird. But anyway, it's like a ... pretty weird thing stat."
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It's funny though," commented Hùong casually, her glasses ominously reflecting the light as she purveyed the written piece more intently. "
It knows it's bad, and just loves being bad. Elaborately so."
"
So um, I guess it's a fun one then?"
"
Throws a lot at you outta nowhere and the jokes can sometimes get too over-the-top, but it's definitely fun," agreed Hùong. "
How do you feel about it, Galla?"
"
6/10."
"
Is that a-" Chloé paused for a second. That was like, all she'd probably get out of her cardboard cutout of a friend anyway. Probably didn't care a total bit about the writing. Not like she wasn't the same though, she was just here for the cash. "
Okay, 7/10 it is. Let's just move on to the next one."
---
OFF BY ONE - @Write"
Another one based on real life? Jeez, I thought like, everybody wanted cubism or something in fics."
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Escapism," corrected Galla.
"
Ssshh, I'm not one of those experts on this okay?"
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Cubism is for art, Chloé," said Hùong dryly. "
How will you get a bf if you're not gonna be sophisticated?"
"
Oi!"
The green-haired girl only received a grin in return. "
Just telling you the truth. But anyway, you want to keep going?"
"
I would if I knew what was going on," Chloé grumbled out. "
The setting's pretty boring. What, like just some rando high school? No Grimm or hunting or anything? That's like, real weird. What's the point of a setting that's just a school?"
"
It's supposed to be a nightmare."
"
Hey, howdya kno- did you skip to the end and spoil yourself?!"
Hùong shrugged. "
It's not very interesting," she answered, pushing up her glasses. "
The first person is uneven and run-on and jumps around a lot. And it barely gives us anything in-depth about the protag's feelings in a world where everyone's acting different from usual."
"
... What?"
"
I'm not invested in like, a rushed diary entry thing. Doesn't explore the setting much either."
"
Okay so you like, think it's bad?" Better if she didn't try and understand Hùong when her friend was talking about the literary stuff she was like, a total derp at. Lit was definitely like, not her subject okay? Way too much words and weird themes and whatever.
"
It's boring."
"
2/10," said Galla, giving her requisite emotionless input.
---
WHEN FIGHTING EVIL TAKES TOO LONG! - @NarayanKChloé glanced at the title. "
Well it's like, totes long yeah."
"
Another high school setting, too," said Hùong with a sigh. "
Tee-bee-aych, I would've liked to see the world this protag came from instead of a high school."
"
Why is school so popular anyway? I wouldn't wanna like, write about all my homework."
"
School that's just like real life but nothing trying to kill us, too," added the glasses-wearing girl. "
It's not a very fancy other world if you just take out Dust and the fancy superhero Hunters and replace it with nothing. And the world's not at all fleshed out, so a slice of life there doesn't seem like much."
"
I like this opening scene in that fantasy whatsit though." Chloé turned the page. "
Totes diggin' this evil bad guy and his KINGDOM OF DARKNESS."
"
... Did you need to shout that?"
She blushed, emerald bangs falling over her eyes as they averted themselves from Hùong's judging expression. "
It's like, a real cheesy thing to say Aye-R-El okay?" Chloé protested. "
Anyway, they got some fun stuff going on for the atmosphere here."
Hùong stroked her chin. "
The high school world aspect is definitely lacking in comparison," she mused. "
The prose is pretty strong, with good grasp of the technicals, but like, the primary girl isn't too compelling with the constant stuttering. Or is it hesitation?"
"
It does take longer to read yeah."
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The pacing's just too slow," admitted Hùong, eyes scanning down the second chapter of the work. "
For an entry for some Internet contest, you'd want a short story, not chapters. Any setup at the start's not going to be properly built on."
Chloé, who was a slower reader, caught up a few seconds later. "
Why you gotta do a cliffhanger? Total buzzkill there."
"
Doesn't fulfil any of the promises of there being a family restaurant in the summary either. Way too slow."
"
Shoulda written something like, more contained?"
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That would've been better," agreed Hùong. "
It's an uninteresting setting that needs strong characters, but it's crippled by like, the pacing and fail at actually doing stuff. Also, the cliffhanger."
"
It's an incomplete work," commented Galla in her usual flat tone, flipping a page of her shoujo manga instead.
Chloé blinked. Had ... Galla not been reading the entire time? Oi, that was like, a total dick move there for a friend! Hùong gotten them all involved, so why the flaking?! "
Oi, what gives Galla?"
"
Faster reading."
Okay, that made some sense. "
Yeah but like, howdya give it those ratings if you're not looking properly?"
Galla looked up at her with hazel eyes. "
I remembered it," she answered, before looking back down. "
It's a 5/10."
Wow, that was a low-as rating. Chloé could have tried to say more, but she decided that she wasn't too keen on that. Besides, at least she was getting paid now. All these stories were like, not even that important anyway! ID forgeries, here she comes!
"
So wanna go grab some smoothies?" she suggested, leaning back and stretching out her arms. It'd be nice to relax.
"
Sure."
"
Only if you pay, okay?"
Out-of-Character Comments
Okay, for those who don't want to read through my experimental attempt at judging your entries in a less boring manner, then here are my boring criticisms. There wasn't a lot I could say as a whole, but I've decided to highlight the flaws I've considered in your works so you know what to avoid next time. And some of the good points when I remember them at some point, because I prefer focusing on the stuff that is more important to address.
@HereComesTheSnowYour setting is cliché as hell, which makes sense given the satirical nature of the entry. As a result (and because it's literally Girlchan in Paradise with Beacon characters instead), however, it's not particularly fleshy when it's not focusing on Lauren's fatbags (and we don't really see what about this world has made them into the different people they are here). You writing style does work pretty well for the joke, and some of them definitely did land. Appreciate the Google Translate Italian for Napoli though. Even though I feel like you could've easily removed him and Gratia and not changed much (they honestly didn't add much to the humour with their presence). The gasping bits are a bit overdone, and some of the other jokes don't land exactly, but otherwise it works. But yeah, it's not a very weighty or strongly fleshed-out entry, but it's got some chuckles going for it that keep it afloat.
@WriteThe setting is literally nonexistent. We aren't given anything whatsoever about how this generic school in generic Los Angeles is an interesting place to see how the Beacon cast has changed. Although, the radical changes they underwent (literally just flipping their personalities around) don't seem to be the result of the setting change. I wanted to see how a different setting with the same people would affect them, and how interesting they would be living in one. This is just Bianca randomly popping into her alternate universe self until it turns out to be a dream (which is honestly a cop-out of an ending). The first-person you've got going on is rather mediocre; it's a bit shallow and doesn't even actually give much depth to Bianca's feelings. It's just "oh, there's a person I know who's OPPOSITE to the person I know so now I must feel shocked and confused", but I'm really not feeling the confusion from her tone. It's a bit too much like a list of things happening than actually emotional. The school setting could be nonexistent for all that it matters, and really you could've Freaky Friday'd in Beacon without any changes, but this contest was asking for a different setting. Overall, it's just boring and doesn't actually fit the contest requirements that much.
@NarayanKThis is a contest entry, not NaNoWriMo. You essentially delivered an unfinished product in the form of Chapter 2, and even if I were to judge it entirely from the perspective of Chapter 1, it was essentially just a giant piece of setup that didn't give any resolution (and with Chapter 2, the cliffhanger only serves to kill it). You probably should've gone for writing something shorter rather than attempt a grand, slow-paced fantastical slice of life. Instead, what we get is just a few snapshots in the life of Benjamin Lloyd in a generic town going to a generic high school and this weird amnesiac girl who hangs with him. We didn't get any of the family restaurant life promised (or mentioned in the character summaries) or really anything beyond Sangue's interactions with Ben, which aren't really too weighty. Also, the fantasy from which Sangue comes from was definitely far more interesting to me than the actual school setting, which is something I've seen before too many times (AKA, the previous two entries). There was something you could've done there, with Duatos and all, but in the end, it basically seems like an excuse for you to write Sangue as a social incompetent in the real world, and there we don't see how the setting of the "real world" addresses those issues of hers properly. Your grasp of prose is pretty good and technically you're skilled, but what we got was like, half a 4koma, substance-wise. Combined with its incomplete nature, I had to drop yours under Snow's.
Final ThoughtsSchools are cliché and boring.
1st Place:
@HereComesTheSnow - 6/10
2nd Place:
@NarayanK - 5/10
3rd Place:
@Write - 2/10
