1 Guest viewing this page
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Vonghese
Raw
Avatar of Vonghese

Vonghese

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

In my CS, I called the pirate ship the Last Song. I can change that if I need to.
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Bishop
Raw

Bishop

Member Seen 3 mos ago



@Vonghese Yes, that's a problem. The pirate ship will be named "The Terror" as it will strike fear in everyone's heart once they see their sails.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by NarcissisticPotato
Raw
Avatar of NarcissisticPotato

NarcissisticPotato Dirty on the Outside, Fluffy on the Inside

Member Seen 7 yrs ago



Are there guns in this? 🤔
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Bishop
Raw

Bishop

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@NarcissisticPotato Guns? Filthy pleb, who needs guns when you have magic.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

@Bishop

<Snipped quote by Scarescrow>
Issue one: The image. I prefer you use anime/artistic, not real.


Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Neo Is Delight
Raw
GM
Avatar of Neo Is Delight

Neo Is Delight *noms on tail*

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

@Bishop
First: I'm not accepting your character, in fact, in my opinion at it's current state the sheet isn't worth my time. If you had bothered to read other stuff mentioned, you would have noticed the first sheet submitted had the issue of having a real image, and I said I would not accept that. After noticing you had a real image, I quickly skimmed the sheet, to see if there were any other major issues or if maybe you just weren't paying attention for that one thing. I deemed it an unforgivable offense, because not only is your relic barebones, it has no downside mentioned. They are called cursed relics for a reason, and until you fix these errors, I'm not going to waste my time with your sheet.

@NarcissisticPotato
Flintlock. Nothing like today's guns though.

@NarcissisticPotato Guns? Filthy pleb, who needs guns when you have magic.

Magic? Have you been reading anything? Seriously. There's no 'full blown magic', at least not in the traditional sense, closest thing to magic our characters will achieve is the relics.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Aleranicus
Raw
Avatar of Aleranicus

Aleranicus Sovereign's Finest

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

@Neo Is Delight I'm tentatively interested in this one. I will probably be posting a CS today, but will make sure to mark it as a draft if I have to come back and complete it tomorrow.

One thing I would like clarification on- if you had to compare this story setting to a historical time period (Roman Eras, Dark Ages, Renaissance, Age of Piracy, Steampunk, etc.) what would you pick? I will not ask about technology, but I just would like to know the general theme.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Neo Is Delight
Raw
GM
Avatar of Neo Is Delight

Neo Is Delight *noms on tail*

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

@Aleranicus
Time period is medieval/Victorian ish.
1x Like Like
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

@Neo Is Delight I'm tentatively interested in this one. I will probably be posting a CS today, but will make sure to mark it as a draft if I have to come back and complete it tomorrow.

One thing I would like clarification on- if you had to compare this story setting to a historical time period (Roman Eras, Dark Ages, Renaissance, Age of Piracy, Steampunk, etc.) what would you pick? I will not ask about technology, but I just would like to know the general theme.


In between the Renaissance and age of piracy. I'm thinking late Renaissance, early 17th century.
1x Like Like
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Bishop
Raw

Bishop

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@Neo Is Delight Oh my apologies si...ady? Got too invested on the sheet that I completely forgot you earlier critique thrown at that other guy. Not that I didn't read anything!

Aaaaand, I read "powerful mage who created relics" and thought there would be magic? Didn't read anywhere that it wasn't present or anything.
Furthermore powerful mage maybe implied that there are other mages.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

@Bishop

Over time however, mankind stopped believing in magic, weakening it significantly, causing this lock to deterierate, though not enough to free the demon.

1x Laugh Laugh
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Joker892
Raw
Avatar of Joker892

Joker892 It's just business.

Member Seen 9 mos ago

Sorry it's taking so long to make a cs, I'll try and have it up later when I get home.
2x Like Like
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

@Bishop

First I'd like to address the fact that I have a concern with your reading comprehension. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you did read everything, but you didn't comprehend anything. That's twice now I have had to pull up two little clips from Neo that you somehow missed. Or didn't understand. I expect better comprehension and reading in the IC.

Second off, and I am not saying this lightly. But I think you are better off starting with a new character. Because this character is unacceptable in every aspect of the word. It has nothing to do with the RP. It's poorly written. And we're not talking grammar. We're talking poorly written.

Before he was a pirate he worked as a payed killer, an assassin. From the age of 13 he had already killed 3 people. As the years passed by the numbers only stacked, going up to the hundreds. His signature killing method was to take out both eyes of his victims. Cutting their finger, in their blood he wrote on the nearby walls quotes like
"The Darkness is all consuming"
and
"If thou gaze into darkness,
fear, terror, horror is all that await thee."
among others.


Tell me how a 13 year old even manages that. Full grown adults weight more than a thirteen year old. You're trying to tell me he can overpower an adult and manage to kill them. He sounds also less like an assassin and more like a serial killer fine. But how does a serial killer become a pirate? Please tell me. Beyond the fact that it's just written like a middle schooler's English class assignment. And if you think I'm being cruel;

Reputation:

"Have you heard the news of the killer that takes eyes?" two woman sat across from each other, folding laundry over the laundry line they shared. Their shabby dresses desperately betrayed both the young woman's natural beauty. One had a baby slung across her chest in a blanket wrapped around her shoulder.

"Please don't talk such rot in company of children," the other woman gasped in horror that her friend would chose such a subject to talk about.

"Don't you feel unsafe walking the streets?" her friend continues. Of course she did. Of course she was afraid. It was all over the papers and the town crier continued hollering about the horrific details. It could just about unnerve anyone.

-end-

I really suggest you look this over before you think anyone would accept that quality of writing level. Because I won't and I know Neo won't.


He has a dark side and a light side in him. He is terrifying the more edgy he feels as an aura of darkness is released around him. The opposite happens when he loses his edge. His personality weakens, he becomes less sure and all that dark theme suddenly gets tilted over and shattered. One way to do this is to throw a counter whenever he says one of his signature cool dark themed quotes. Another way is for others to take him lightly or just brush them off as stupid moods. If he can't keep his persona intact then his powers severely weaken up to the point of disappearing, he becomes self conscious and unsure, feeling insecure. You may find him cowering in a corner of the ship if you enter his quarters after a heavy hit to his dark themed persona...

But otherwise he is ruthless, sadistic, masochistic, narcissistic...and other bunch of random shit which even he can't make heads or tails of. It all kinda gets mixed in there with one sometimes overlapping the other and taking turns going on top of each other. He is like a safe with a rotational device lock and every time you reach a *click* something changes about him.


There is no nuisance in his personality at all. He's evil. Okay, what makes people want to work with him? Why is he on a ship full of people? These personality traits don't make him workable. He's just a lunatic.

Relic: Inner Demons
The relic was inside a corpse, it was merged with the corpse. Touching it, transferred the power over to him. It brings out the power of someone's soul out in the open. For his case he got the powers of "The Shadow" when he was moderately edgy and it brought out the powers of "The Darkness" when he was full on sharp Edge Lord.


I have no words on how stupid this sounds. I know that's very cutting. Very harsh and extremely blunt. But honestly I don't like it at all. I think it sounds like it lacks any originally. I think it lacks anything creative. I think it lacks any good writing to make it sensible.

He's Jekly and Hyde without the potion. Essentially. And I am pretty sure Jekly and Hyde were not called Edge Lord.


I am not even going to waste my time with the History. Not only is it badly written. It's a bad premise on top of bad writing. On top of how does any of this correlate with this RP?

EVERYONE


Just because they are pirates doesn't mean that they have to be blood thirsty murders. Robin Hood is a pirate, but he steals from the rich to give to the poor. Actually if you take into account things from real life, the real life pirates that took over that ship, were simply low income poor workers who took to crime because they had no other option in their life. Not every pirate is some scumbag who drinks babies blood and rips out intestines.

Poverty breeds crime. Just a thought.
1x Like Like
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Aleranicus
Raw
Avatar of Aleranicus

Aleranicus Sovereign's Finest

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

Something to begin with. I will have to revisit tomorrow, but please feel free to critique as you like!

*Hides in pillow fallout shelter, awaiting the GM's ire*

Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Bishop
Raw

Bishop

Member Seen 3 mos ago

I..I..understood* everything but didn't remember it well.
Still sucks though as I tried so hard to make the cs bad that it gets no appreciation. I mean the whole point was to make it so bad that it goes past the cringe and shit meter to funny at how actually damn bad it is.

Tell me how a 13 year old even manages that. Full grown adults weight more than a thirteen year old. You're trying to tell me he can overpower an adult and manage to kill them.


Please, you can't be seriously asking that. It's not like he goes to a pit fight with them. Even today you have kids with knifes and guns carrying out hits on bigger people for their gang.

He sounds also less like an assassin and more like a serial killer fine.

Assassin is a profession, not a personality or character type. You can be a serial killer and a banker, or a serial killer and a husband who owns a bakery. Character personality and profession are separate.

There is no nuisance in his personality at all. He's evil. Okay, what makes people want to work with him? Why is he on a ship full of people? These personality traits don't make him workable. He's just a lunatic.


Define evil -.-
Anyway that is the personality section. Why he is there and working with them is fueled by his goals....which I should've probably mentioned.

I think it lacks anything creative

Please, like just, show me another exact person like him.

Hmm, I prob should've asked beforehand if you accepted a character who could be there for comic relief. Was kinda tired of every RP having characters with full backstories on everything, with overused realistic personality types(yes there is no personality type you could show me that is original), actual goals to achieve etc etc.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

Something to begin with. I will have to revisit tomorrow, but please feel free to critique as you like!

*Hides in pillow fallout shelter, awaiting the GM's ire*



So far I like it. Only don't forget to explain how your character came to the pirates. And all that jazz.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Aleranicus
Raw
Avatar of Aleranicus

Aleranicus Sovereign's Finest

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

<Snipped quote by Aleranicus>

So far I like it. Only don't forget to explain how your character came to the pirates. And all that jazz.


It will be done, my GM! I have an idea in mind, but I will likely play with it a bit to get where I want it to be tomorrow.

May I ask the intended destination of this vessel?
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
coGM
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

May I ask the intended destination of this vessel?


-.-' to hunt down the relics we find

It's about the journey of the artifacts.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Neo Is Delight
Raw
GM
Avatar of Neo Is Delight

Neo Is Delight *noms on tail*

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

I..I..understood* everything but didn't remember it well.
Still sucks though as I tried so hard to make the cs bad that it gets no appreciation. I mean the whole point was to make it so bad that it goes past the cringe and shit meter to funny at how actually damn bad it is.

Yeah. Well, there's a point where it's "lol, that's so funny." and then there's "wow. that's just...awful." You can't make the entire character with the goal of it being shit, otherwise, guess what: It's going to be shit. Not funny.

Assassin is a profession, not a personality or character type. You can be a serial killer and a banker, or a serial killer and a husband who owns a bakery. Character personality and profession are separate.


Assassins have requirement. Believe it or not, you can't be a professional assassin at 13. Secondly, assassins don't take eyeballs, or write messages on the walls in their targets blood. Those are serial killer traits, hence why Angel said he seems more like a serial killer than an assassin.

Hmm, I prob should've asked beforehand if you accepted a character who could be there for comic relief. Was kinda tired of every RP having characters with full backstories on everything, with overused realistic personality types(yes there is no personality type you could show me that is original), actual goals to achieve etc etc.

Yes, you most certainly should have, because if you had asked us: "Can I make the most bareboned shit character for the sake of lols" we would have responded like such "Sure, but we won't be accepting it."
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Aleranicus
Raw
Avatar of Aleranicus

Aleranicus Sovereign's Finest

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

<Snipped quote by Aleranicus>

-.-' to hunt down the relics we find

It's about the journey of the artifacts.


Understood. I will make sure to scan and adjust the CS to remove any notes that he may already be carrying the staff. Only that he seeks to reclaim it to rekindle the Cult.
1x Thank Thank
↑ Top
1 Guest viewing this page
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet