4 Guests viewing this page
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by ZekariVoblis
Raw
Avatar of ZekariVoblis

ZekariVoblis Astro Sky Seeker Hellbent On Luxury Expeditions

Member Seen 5 yrs ago

@NoxxDoes it means you abandoning your Light Girl or you going 2 Characters?


Give it to me. I must be light too. Must consume the liiiiight!
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Noxx
Raw
Avatar of Noxx

Noxx

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@SimpleWriter 2 characters Soma and her sister
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by ERode
Raw
Avatar of ERode

ERode A Spiny Ant

Member Seen 42 min ago

I'm down for a collab, Windel.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 3 days ago

@floodtalon, @ERode, @ZekariVoblis.

In that case, we can do a collab around the weekend then.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Flood
Raw
Avatar of Flood

Flood Cyber-Phantasy Knight

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

Sounds good to me.
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Noxx
Raw
Avatar of Noxx

Noxx

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@TheWindel

its not done obvisouly lol but I'd like you to look at the magic and backstory and tell me if I should change anything


Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by SimpleWriter
Raw
Avatar of SimpleWriter

SimpleWriter also FroggerFlower

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

<Snipped quote by SimpleWriter>

Give it to me. I must be light too. Must consume the liiiiight!


Wait waiiiit. What's all this non sense about consuming the light. I'LL show YOU the way out of the dark. :D
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by ZekariVoblis
Raw
Avatar of ZekariVoblis

ZekariVoblis Astro Sky Seeker Hellbent On Luxury Expeditions

Member Seen 5 yrs ago

<Snipped quote by ZekariVoblis>

Wait waiiiit. What's all this non sense about consuming the light. I'LL show YOU the way out of the dark. :D


Fuck that. I'll balance that shit. Be a regular Gray Jedi, cept with two people instead of one and one's more fight happy than the balance would probably allow.
1x Laugh Laugh
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Lonewolf685
Raw
Avatar of Lonewolf685

Lonewolf685 Inquisitive and Immortal

Member Seen 13 hrs ago

@Noxx
The sunken world (Passive): Wherever she steps the world under her feet changes into a portal to a decrypted ancient place that mirrors the above the world completely sunken underwater and nearly devoid of life. Unless Evelune is grabbing ahold of someone she is the only person who can enter that portal, this allows her to turn any surface into a swimmable one, the area she is directly under will also change into a portal that moves with her as she swims through the sunken version of the real world, though her speed in the water is nearly four times as fast as when she's on land. Additionally it should be noted that the portal that leads to the Sunken World can be expanded to a massive twenty foot radius around her body.


Not to make everything analogous to Naruto, but having a portal to a personal pocket dimension no one else can access constantly under their feet is damn near close to Tobi levels of absolute defense. That they can expand it to such a large degree, pull everything into an underwater battle with a 4x speed advantage to Evelune is also incredibly powerful, but it kinda pales in comparison to a constant escape hatch to survive any attack of any scale and launch herself back out at her leisure, speed boost or not.

Devil Arm:

At first it was a long scimitar forged of fine metals that held the force of a hundred tidal waves within each blow


That's some dangerous hyperbole right there. Should probably change that since the literal force of a hundred tidal waves is beyond the pale of any magical girl's wildest dreams.

I'd quote the entire Blood Manipulation power, as I don't think blood pressure has anything to do with Adrenaline responses. And Blood Manipulation is always iffy, even if this specifically describes it as a self buff only.

Test of soul / Undertoe: Eve can drag people under to the sunken world from the surface world if she has at least part of her body already submerged, only the person pulled and Eve herself can exit at this point and if the target can manage to fight their way to the surface they will be inflicted with a curse that will open a portal under their feet that which they themselves cannot enter but reveals their position to Eve for five minutes.


Why would a magical girl need a curse like this? Corrupted or not there powers are for fighting Nightmares first, and other magical girls second. Seems off to me, at least.

The background...is Chtullu cult made her evil by looking at a cosmic horror. I can't say with any certainty that cults of that nature exist in this world. More often then not the system of magical girl universes is rather limited in scope, but I'm in no shape to judge any farther in that regard.

Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Noxx
Raw
Avatar of Noxx

Noxx

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@Lonewolf685

Alright...so I to look up who Tobi is and I sorta agree and I can make changes to make it so it's easier to fight it but I'd say she's closer to Kisame than anyone else

The blood manipulation ability is exactly as it describes a self-imposed buff and blood flow is a good chunk of adrenaline, in fact, the way it is written is the exact method in which the human body triggers the rush in itself. To make it easier to understand the ability is the exact same as Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece's gear second skill

And the curse is it really all that different than a blessing if you switch the viewpoints? For example, if I called the ability Tidal's eye and structured the wording to be more like a blessing would you still say the same thing even though it sounds more light-hearted?

everything else...is understandable and I'll change it though the backstory is the core of the character and its personality I'll have to delete her and make a new one if it can't be kept mostly intact
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Lonewolf685
Raw
Avatar of Lonewolf685

Lonewolf685 Inquisitive and Immortal

Member Seen 13 hrs ago

@Noxx
She does resemble a certain fishy swordsman, but having both brute strength, speed, and unparalleled evasion/defense as a constantly running passive portal beneath your feet is a bit much.

My knowledge of anatomy is only marginally better then that of Spanish, which is to say nil in either catagory, so I'll defer on that regard.

As for the Curse/Blessing, I'm not so much questioning the effect. Being able to see the location of anything you've pulled in for five minutes isn't unreasonable mechanic wise, but questionable from a logic standpoint. After all it's not like Nightmare's run away from danger so having a skill so apt for tracking fleeing prey seems odd for a magical girl skill set, but I guess just chalk it up to hungry sharks out for blood.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 26 days ago

@Noxx

Ok, so here's my review of what you have so far. Even though it's pretty much a more elaborate version of what @Lonewolf685 mentioned already:

At first it was a long scimitar forged of fine metals that held the force of a hundred tidal waves within each blow; now it has broken into shards and embedded itself into her teeth, fingernails and toenails make them neigh unbreakable that were designed specifically to rip flesh from bone even through armor. Her nails on both ends are hooked and can not be removed cleanly, when retracting her hand chunks of flesh tend to come with it.


I'll consider this purple prose, so it has no real impact in the character's overall evaluation. However, I'll take the chance to make it specific for everyone reading, that it's not to be taken literally just as a precaution to avoid past cases of misunderstanding from happening in this RP as well.

The sunken world (Passive): Wherever she steps the world under her feet changes into a portal to a decrypted ancient place that mirrors the above the world completely sunken underwater and nearly devoid of life. Unless Evelune is grabbing ahold of someone she is the only person who can enter that portal, this allows her to turn any surface into a swimmable one, the area she is directly under will also change into a portal that moves with her as she swims through the sunken version of the real world, though her speed in the water is nearly four times as fast as when she's on land. Additionally it should be noted that the portal that leads to the Sunken World can be expanded to a massive twenty foot radius around her body.


Sincerely, this isn't totally bad. However, the viability of this ability hinges on two questions:

- How fast can she use this power? Meaning whether or not she can use it as a reaction to avoid any manner of damage altogether or not?

- And whether or not someone that she tries to pull with her can resist this effect? Because a nigh inevitable death by drowning isn't really an easy thing to pass.

Lastly, I'll say no to expanding it to any area beyond herself. At most she could drag anyone or anything that she's touching (within the limits of reason, of course; you won't ever pull anything much bigger than a medium size car). Otherwise this would fall into the unavoidable trap scenarios (allowing her to bring a whole bus under, even) that would make this power too to be even considered.

Miner blood manipulation: The human body is made up of water, so Eve can control her own blood flow by manipulating the water contained within it giving her the ability to alter her blood pressure to an intense degree triggering a massive amount of adrenaline allowing her to enhance her own strength and speed via increased oxygen and nutrient transferral


Grammar aside, this doesn't make any sense. Blood Pressure and adrenaline might be linked in a certain way IRL, but it's usually, the latter triggering an effect on the first. The contrary seems pretty unlikely. Even discounting that and the fact that this doesn't seem to be an usual ability for blood manipulation, there's also the problem of broadening the scope of your character's ability a little too much compared to the others.

Test of soul / Undertoe: Eve can drag people under to the sunken world from the surface world if she has at least part of her body already submerged, only the person pulled and Eve herself can exit at this point and if the target can manage to fight their way to the surface they will be inflicted with a curse that will open a portal under their feet that which they themselves cannot enter but reveals their position to Eve for five minutes.


Not that you can't have this, but rather the question is: Why does she need to have this power which is apparently completely disconnected from her theme? Also, the question again is, how can someone resist her powers, if it has no counter it obviously isn't something that can be allowed.

This piece of Intel was told to her little sister Soma in confidence about how she went from the uplifting people with the current to dragging them down to the depths. She had been investigating a cult that gathered deep below the ground of a seemingly abandoned house a nameless air of desolation hung around the old decrepit manor and the insidious atmosphere crept up her spin the further she descended into those lofty dust caked catacombs. The walls began to change from a creaking old decaying wood to cracked stone of unknown masonry, the craftsmanship unlike anything she had encountered before in all her years of traveling the world the only discernible description she could muster was that it was very ancient. The basement was by far the most strange as it seemed the shadows themselves were alive, not unlike the nightmares she so frequently defeated, but these were different in such a way that the mere depth at the black abyss of the shadows invoked a sort of madness but still she pressed on.

Every instinct her body could summon up, pulled at her core for the girl to give up this chase and forget this day was reality and push every piece of the happenings into the darkest pit within her subconscious. The girl couldn’t stop, however much she would have loved to leave, she felt as if she had to uncover the truth, to her dismay the ladder went down even further than she would have liked to have. Once reaching the bottom the low sound of chanting could be heard coming down a perils corridor that drummed up the most frightful of instincts, fear leaked from her body and her very soul felt like it wanted to leap from the mortal flesh and drag the body to a safer refuge, but still, she pressed on.

Strangely enough the closer she got, the less recognizable the chanting became, the tenacious harrowing sound erupting from their throats was as far away from human speech as it was away from any sound made within nature. These were not syllables recognizable even to the girl who had sailed the entire earth on her magical waves this could only be described as a gross bastardization to the very definition of the world language. Stranger still the origin that created those sounds were human in shape not like the nightmares at all but the shape was all that they took from, in truth every one of them looked like an abstract rendition of the human form, grotesque and monstrous. The creature they gave their praise a direct description too horrific for Eve to properly convey, its eyes peered into her very being and assaulted her mind with malefic visions of a horrid future that twisted and turned her powers upon themselves she had discovered something that mankind was never meant to trifle with and now it was in her head.


Rethink all of this. It doesn't make any sense at all within the concept of the story as it's explained in the opening post. While there maybe other people, or even groups, that know of the existence of magic a full fledged Eldritch Abomination cult doesn't fit anywhere here. Magical Girls are corrupted by the accumulation of negative energy (the reasons for such may vary, though), not by some strange, incomprehensible power from beyond.

It would be better to avoid straining this much from the core concept of the setting.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 3 days ago

I'll be reading thorough all this eventually soon after catching some breath.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 3 days ago

@Noxx

I'm going to wait for your response/edits before giving my thoughts so you're not bombarded all at once.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 26 days ago

@liferusher

Are you still interested?
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by DELETED7282737
Raw

DELETED7282737

Member Seen 2 yrs ago

@liferusher

Are you still interested?


Yes, I read all the cses yesterday but unluckily I dont have a lot of time. Ill get it done during the weekend I suppose or before that.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 3 days ago

@Noxx

I feel enough time has passed where I can give my thoughts to you now.

Her Devil Arm is fine. Her Magic however needs to be fine-tuned. For her Sunken World ability, I have the same questions and concerns as @KoL, including limiting range of scope in area. Alternatively, I’m fine with her blood ability so long as you keep it to only buffing her with no extra abilities.

Her water magic as a whole, however, needs to be limited. I’ll accept direct water manipulation as well inorganic compounds; but no solid matter such as ice. We already have an ice-using Magical Girl and I don’t want the abilities being inter-mixed because by this logic, your character and @Lonewolf685’s Kanbaru can do the exact same thing. Limit her magic to direct water manipulation and inorganic compounds only.

Finally, her "Test of soul / Undertoe" ability. I would suggest either getting rid of it entirely or rewriting it to better fit her water theme. At the moment, this magic is too jarring in contrast to her other abilities nor is the aspect of curses expanded upon to what that actually means. It doesn’t seem to fit her overall.

As for her backstory, it looks fine to me. I’ll accept eldritch cults roaming about in Miso City; but I won’t accept that as her reason for becoming a Dark Magical Girl as that infringes too much on the established lore.

Address these points and we’ll go from there.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Noxx
Raw
Avatar of Noxx

Noxx

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@TheWindel

I legit just re-wrote her abilities like a minute before you posted lol I'll limit the water and change the last one
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 3 days ago

@Noxx

You can keep her Mark of the Tide ability. It fits better than the blood magic.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Noxx
Raw
Avatar of Noxx

Noxx

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@TheWindel

More changes made and the Backgrounds been edited
↑ Top
4 Guests viewing this page
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet