@Mystic Writer: All right. Let's see here...

Hm. Well, for starters, the context for the character is making me think that things will fall apart without the Servant.

So, well, I'd like to see that before we continue here. You said you already have it written up, and this isn't an HGW scenario, so... Yeah, let's start with that.

Also, one thing to note on a surface level: Servant IDs are common knowledge in the city. Just, like, in general. People are registered with their Servants (unless they're odd cases or are technically illegal). Because... Well, yeah.

Ah, welp yeah as I told you I've got the Servant all hooked up so I'll go ahead and edit it into the same message that I put the master profile in. It should only be a moment.

And in that case, that's a good thing to know. I have modified the OC with that new information in mind, it should be better suited for this.

@PKMNB0Y

@Mystic Writer: Okay, let's start, I guess.

1. The first thing I'm noticing here is that the supplied form has not been used for either character, which, uh... I mean, I understand when people want to reorganize things to make their forms look prettier, but here there's a bunch of extra information that could be condensed elsewhere or that we don't necessarily need? I'd very much like it if you could repurpose what you have into what was given to some degree, for the sake of uniformity and clarity.

2. In regards to the Helena form, there's a lot of stuff that's... Basically just ripped off of the translation of her FGO Material III profile. What I'd like at minimum, in addition to the truncating and re-purposing of both forms, is for some manner of description to be written in regards to both her skills and NP.

And I mean actual rewriting here; her first and third skills are vague in description, such that we really don't have any idea what they can actually do. It's fine if you need to make stuff up, but the results need to be tangible.

Ideally, I'd like if you could write it all from scratch using the profile as a basis, just to make sure that you'd understand how the character functions from a personal point of view, but your plan was to push this onto someone else (and I'm not sure if ANYONE else has open slots), so... Things are weird here.

3. The Bathory bloodline. While it is plausible that a branch family could become magi, there are two (more pressing) problems here.

One: Why keep the family name if you're trying to distance yourself from the actual Bathory bloodline? It doesn't make much sense to keep it in trying to do something like that.

Two: I'd bet money that Liz is in the city already; if not, she's still very likely to pop out and, I would assume, have a higher precedence than the catalyst due to blood ties. That brings up a whole slew of problems on its own, and if you're trying to stay under the radar, sharing Liz's family name is a good way to get yourself marked regardless.
Also, like, Carmilla. The secondary problem in that regard lies here; even if she isn't summoned, both Servants are high profile such that there would be a great deal of explaining to do regardless.

4. The Clock Tower is not a tourist destination. Even in this presumed timeline where the MA is more centrist/liberal than they were in the past due to Waver's efforts, they're still not open for the general public. It's usually students, faculty, and people with business there that actually get inside, and a kid with his family on summer vacation usually won't cut it. On top of that, a magus family would generally have the resources to teach their child on their own, even if they aren't necessarily technologically incompetent. If they have expectations for the child, they would tutor in private (and given magus families, that's pretty common) or send them straight to the Clock Tower from the start, I would think.

5. It just feels weird writing up a form for someone else to use and expecting that to gain any traction. I don't think people are all that inclined to use a character that they don't necessarily have inspiration for, and that goes double when there's a limited number of character slots per player. I'm not sure how inclined people would be to give one of their choice slots for that sake, y'know?

That... Should be everything of note, really.

Hmm, I see. Ok, fair constructive criticism. I'll work on it then.

Alright, as you requested I have taken a number of measures in line with the criticism provided (I suppose what I list here is technically the tl;dr version):

-Information has been condensed in areas that did not perfectly fall in line with your provided details. Information that could smoothly be re-formatted into other areas has been accounted for and the overall positioning of details provided are more in-line with what has been requested.

-NP Descriptions and Vague Skill Descriptions have been adjusted to include an interpretation of what said abilities should be expected to do. In conjunction with the thought process that came with what I did to the Bathory plot I figured that the easier that I make understanding said character the more prepared anyone would be to do it.

-The Bathory sub-plot has been scratched, entirely. Admittedly, when I take a step back and think about it as a Master intended for Blavatsky, adding Bathory into the mix makes little sense. So adjustments have been made to the OC to make them feel like someone who would summon Blavatsky.

-Details concerning the Clock Tower in the bio have been switched around to be more in-line with what I would imagine the Blavatskys would accept, considering how other details have been changed.

And well in regards to inspiration the thought process behind it is that if someone does Blavatsky for my Master, I would do X Servant for them with them being the Master of said Servant. Of course there's the chance that someone would want to play as Blavatsky (which would decrease the workload) but considering the chances of someone available wanting to do Blavatsky that is why I offer an equivalent exchange.

But I suppose that doing something like that makes it all the more important that Blavatsky is understood properly. I don't mind if I am unable to jump into the RP immediately due to restricted space or lack of currently free Masters, but I would prefer that my OC is still perfected to the point that they are ready regardless.

@PKMNB0Y I hope these changes are to your liking. Time for me to sleep, if I stay up too much longer it'll be morning lol.

In all honestly if I wasn't already handling so much in this RP I'd actually have considered Helena, I do like her quite a bit after using her a lot on NA FGO.

@VitaVitaAR Ah, sweet! I used her a ton on FGO NA, since I don't have a personal Waver or Merlin she serves as my main support option (and coincidentally first Servant I ever got to Bond 10). Welp, if you do have any criticisms with my edits feel free to provide commentary.

@Mystic Writer: Alright, let's look at the edited forms here...

Okay, let's go.

1. Let's look over this last paragraph from the Master form, for starters, shall we?

From that point in the family lineage his line developed traces in the Americas and Europe, more specifically England. It took hundreds of years, but they never gave up. They took their time to gather resources while remaining somewhat skeptical of the Mage Association. And while they were not on the same level as the highest tier of mage families, they retained some degree of influence in the world of mages.

This feels both contradictory and vague to me. I'm not entirely sure how a family that remains 'skeptical' of the MA garners any level of influence, if any; you can't be influential if you don't have strings to pull, and the MA actually has a large enough sway in most issues regarding magecraft (given that it consists of the Wandering Sea, Atlas, and the Clock Tower) that they can essentially send Enforcers out as fixers regardless of standing if you look too 'dangerous'.

Or, y'know, the usual Sealing Designation problem.

2. I think we should loop back around to the oddity of giving someone a form to work with and asking for a 'trade'. While the matter of asking someone else to use a character or using one that has a direct correlation/chosen with another character in mind has been a core thing among the characters present, I don't know if it's entirely normal to write that form yourself. Normally, I'd delegate the process to the person to be using the character, for the dual purpose of seeing if they understand the character and also to be piloting someone who they have, in essence, had the time to do some research/thought on.

I think this issue becomes nonexistent if you decided to pilot both halves of the pair (we have someone using both Altera and her Master here, for example), but otherwise... It feels a bit odd to be giving a character for someone else to use, rather than proposing one. Does that make sense?

@PKMNB0Y

I can go back to that paragraph and tweak it, but I suppose that I should let you know that my intent behind that was to some degree reflect Blavatsky's own views towards the Mage Association. It is stated in her profile that she did have disagreements with the Association to the time of her death, so I thought it would be a good parallel to have the people who summoned Blavatsky not be completely enamored with the system. I'm not saying that the family is the most influential out there, and I'm not saying that my OC's family is out to become enemies with them. Simply that they have their doubts. Although if this wording is perhaps too strong then the bio will reflect that. I've adjusted it accordingly.

And well if you want me to remove the Servant form to leave the Master alone as he was originally posted and simply leave a note stating that I would prefer for someone to play as my selected Servant when pairing with my OC that can be arranged. I simply made the servant form due to the fact that I was inspired to. I did think that in a two-way arrangement it would be a nice thing to have it to help familiarize yourself with that character considering that I would be looking at another Servant in exchange. But if you think letting them build it up from scratch will improve the quality of replies, consider my rendition of that Servant Form gone.

I understand that someone may have arranged to play both their own Master and Servant, but I feel that I wouldn't be getting the same experience that I intended to try if I did that. If time passes and I feel the need to play as both my own Master and Servant then I suppose I'd deal with that hurdle when I get there.

@Mystic Writer: Alright, char's accepted. Move the form over whenever.

We'll... Well, we'll figure something out about Helena eventually. I hope?

Yep ^^ definitely. Sounds good.

@PKMNB0Y

You know, I think I came up with something that is probably important to ask considering the RP. I am aware that Fusang University is an established location, so what I wanted to ask was if there are any important details about that place that I should know about beforehand. Details like the fact that official servants are registered. Also, are classes going on at this point in time or is there still a break?

@Mystic Writer: Hm...

Well, you can parse a lot of the details from reading the IC, but if you don't want to... Well, there's a few off the top of my head.

-Class is out for a week or so right now in-RP; spring break. We're on the Saturday after it started (the RP kicked off on a Friday).
-I mentioned that fluency in one of English/Chinese/Japanese is mandatory in the city in the OP, I think?
-Gil's got money. The Clock Tower can't Sealing Designation his Master because of its existence. There's more secrets than you see at first glance.
-True Names aren't hidden by pretty much any given Servant because of how the city works. In fact, it's at the point where there have been interviews and stuff done. Historians are foaming at the mouth at this point.
-Fusang being a public thing can be partially blamed on the Animuspheres, too, since Chaldea exists in this timeline. That being said, while Olga is alive, Mashu... Notably isn't.

I don't remember if there's anything else that comes to mind immediately, but... Well, that's a rough overview for now.

Alright! I do remember reading that tidbit about the languages. But yeah, that all sounds good. I think what I'm planning on doing is reading some resources that I acquired on the historical Blavatsky and, if nobody else plays as Helena by the time that I finish my personal research, I will then handle both my own Master and Servant.

Alright! I do remember reading that tidbit about the languages. But yeah, that all sounds good. I think what I'm planning on doing is reading some resources that I acquired on the historical Blavatsky and, if nobody else plays as Helena by the time that I finish my personal research, I will then handle both my own Master and Servant.

I think you'd need more knowledge of Fate's Helena than of her historical counterpart.

She's a notably different character from the the way the actual Madame Blavatsky behaved (which was the way Fate's Helena behaved in public while alive). Most important, is the fact that GO's Helena can easily slip into being a massive woman-child at the drop of a hat, especially if the SPR is mentioned within earshot of her.

Yep I know. I do have her at Bond 10 ^^ probably used her more then most. And I've been playing GO since the first Christmas event so I know how Blavatsky can be (her interlude speaks volumes). Looking at the historical counterpart is like the icing on top, the fuel that I can rely on whenever Blavatsky is asked a more personal question.

@KoL

Ah, Bond 10, something that I seem terrible at reaching with anyone.

I'm sure you'll get someone to Bond 10 soon enough ^^ you just have to keep someone in your backline and let the Bond build up

Well, it's an exaggeration, on NA I have Nero, Gilgamesh, and Arash at bond 10 (zerkerlot is nearly bond 10); JP has Skadi, Zerkerlot, and Abigail on Bond 10. It's just far fewer than my time playing would suggest.

And I'm probably in trouble for not having Sitonai at Bond 10 yet.

Ah I see ^^ cool! I'm sure Sitonai doesn't mind lol