Okay, a couple of things.
First issue is with his personality. Why is he humble and dislike money? This is never explained or elaborated on, and is contradictory, given how much he spends it (see your answer to questions 4 and 5). There’s also no point in his story that would give him this dislike, no epiphany about class consciousness, no seeing the suffering of the poor, no sudden realization that money is the root of all evil. He just hates it, which is weird, considering he has a lot of it and benefits from it. It also doesn’t add or take anything away from his personality. It doesn’t make him withdrawn, cynical or bitter about capitalism, it doesn’t make him more charitable or inspire him to actively improve the lives of others. It’s just… there. I think this could be turned into a very strong character trait, if explained and utilized properly. But at this point, it’s an appendix to his personality. Practically useless, takes up space, and has a strong possibility of needing surgical removal.
Next up, also with his personality, is there is one flaw. Impulsivity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good flaw, but by itself? Nah, not digging it. Give him 2-3 more flaws, help give his personality more shape. Chill, laid back, “go-with-the-flow” dudes are tempting to create, but like barbie dolls, they’re unrealistic. No one is ever
always chill. Unless he’s got painkillers and prozac for blood, give him more flaws.
Next up, a little clarification on the parents. How did they end up co-running the company? Was the mother in the same company of the father? Spouses co-managing a company they didn’t create together is extremely rare, both due to them usually having different professions or specializations, and, unfortunately, the glass ceiling. It’s much harder for women to be promoted than men, especially if said woman is married, pregnant, or already has kids. Not to mention, CEO status doesn’t transfer to your spouse when you marry, it’s not like a throne. That would be silly, impractical, and nepotistic. If I were to marry the CEO of a tech company, but my profession was in a history of viral pathogens, it would be impractical to involve me in the company in any way, much less make me a managing partner. This needs more clarification for how they both managed to gain equal status at the same company.
Also, this was a problem we had in other CS’s, but we’ve noticed a trend of what we’re jokingly dubbing Rich Rugrats. Unsupervised wealthy toddlers with loving yet neglectful parents that have no control over their work schedule, despite being wealthy and powerful. While this is definitely a thing that happens in real life, it usually doesn’t happen to the wealthy. If this were a poorer family that absolutely needed two breadwinners working most of the time, this would be a different scenario and would be acceptable. But this is a very different economic case, and so we’re eyeing this case of “left to his own devices” with healthy skepticism. Especially since it’s phrased as if his mom just popped him out and went straight to work, leaving him all alone in their mansion. Give the kid a nanny at least, or have one of his parents stay home with him and work from home until he’s 6, if they’re really workaholics.
Next up, this is the biggest plausibility error in the CS. Your character, god knows how old he is, reads about St. Fortuna’s and just decides he has to go there. … Why??? There’s no ambition here. No planning, no reasoning. It’s like he’s just read about Disneyland and decides to go. St. Fortuna’s is not Disneyland. It’s a very exclusive, very expensive boarding school that specializes in the study of magic and is very intense. If you don’t want to learn about magic or have the prestige that the name attaches, why decide to go? What makes a laid-back guy decide to go to an academically intense, expensive boarding school where he wouldn’t see his family for a long time? Give him a reason here, or have his parents send him. Speaking of parents, elaborate more on their reactions. Why is the mom against it? Why is the dad for it? Give us insight, I don’t know their reasoning, you do.
And then the dad dies. … While I’m not gonna say he can’t
do that, I would like a little more on this. A major death like this is a huge part of a character’s backstory, don’t skimp on it. What did he die of? Do a google search on what kills middle aged men and pick your favorite, it makes a lot more sense than him just dropping dead. Why didn’t Sam want to go to St. Fortuna’s after that? How did he react specifically? Did his personality change? How long ago was this before the school year started? A year? A month? An hour? Give us more of a time table, how long has your character been struggling with this loss? How have they coped? How have they not coped? Does it hurt them to say their father is dead? More is more when it comes to backstory, always.
And then there’s this.
Dislikes: Very hot weather, Waking up early, People who think their shit doesn't stink, Running
????? What? I-is this literal? Is your character regularly around people who smell like crap? What does this mean? I mean, if your goal was to amuse, the three of us definitely were in confused giggles for 10 seconds. But really, what? I don’t know what this is, but uh… Change it?
And the last thing is the first quiz question, which ties in back to his total lack of ambition. You don’t go to St. Fortuna’s without even some idea of what you want to do. At least, not if you wanted to go there in the first place. If your character was made to go here by his parents, this would be acceptable, but since he decided to go here, it just solidifies my point that he needs ambition to want to attend.
TLDR:
go back and read it all. Your character needs more flaws and needs an explanation for their dislike of money. Make the workaholic parents more plausible, and give him ambition. Choose the bullet that kills the dad and give us a timeframe for when this death happened, and tell us more about it impacted the character. And fix whatever that is in the dislikes. Please, for the love of god, it’s confusing the hell out of me.
What does it mean???With that, this review is over. Fix the errors and we’ll review your CS again. Len out.
