Dion

Naruto: Black Sun

@Raijinslayer I think I'm confusing that one with Renny, maybe. :thinking: Either way that sounds fine -- you know I'll review it and any issues we can iron release out anyway.

Naruto: Black Sun

@Raijinslayer The one that makes metal constructs, or the one that made his own sword?

Naruto: Black Sun

@OdinWell, this seems interesting. Mind if i pop on in or do you have to many people already?

@Raijinslayer

Always have space for you Raijin!

Naruto: Black Sun

review in red

Asashio

________ _______ YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT HER NAME HERE

Hoshiyo, Asashio

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” wow
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ Name:

Hoshiyo, Asashio

▸ Pseudonym:

Suzuki, Asashio

▸ Nicknames:

Raijin

▸ Clan:

Hoshiyo-Ichizoku

▸ Rank:

Genin

▸ Sex:

♀

▸ Sex appearance:

♀

▸ Age:

14 years old.

▸ Age appearance:

Young Teen

▸ Sexuality:

Heterosexual

▸ Birthplace:

Amegakure

▸ Village:

Amegakure

▸ Affiliations:

ｘ Hoshiyo-Ichizoku
ｘ Amegakure no Sato

▸ Chakra natures:

Primary nature:

Raiton

Secondary nature:

Suiton

▸ Appearance:

Asashio stands tall among girls at 5'9" (1.75m), made more impressive by her youth. Though of a lean, athletic build she has some notable muscle definition. Her bangs generally cover her left eye, which itself has a vertical scar across it. Her eye itself appears undamaged. Other than her one scar usually hidden by her hair the rest of her skin is flawless, as if she was immune to the downsides of puberty and combat.

▸ Wardrobe:

Unless required otherwise, Asashio typically adorns a military-style coat, long skirt, and boots, complete with tall socks and a garter belt. All primarily black, of course. She has no qualms about wearing other uniforms or clothes should the need arise.

all of this is standard meaning it's all fine and i didn't really see anything to make fun of so good job, we may have another tsukiko character here

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Biography

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ History:

Born to the famed Amekage that brought Amegakure together and halted its downward spiral, Hoshiyo, Asashio was given her name to represent the coming tide of positive change. Her existence was largely kept secret from the world to allow her a normal childhood, or as close as one could be given to her. Raised in such a prominent household afforded her many luxuries, including a strong early education and personal training from the Amekage himself. Asashio loved her father, always jealous of the time he spent away from the house for she was forbidden from leaving it. This meant all she had was her father and mother, no friends to speak of. It was discovered early that she was capable of manifesting the same abilities as Hoshiyo, making it easier for him to train her and kickstarting her future career as a kunoichi with even greater gusto. the only question i have is how nobody noticed that she'd live with them

When she finally was allowed to leave the house she had to swear secrecy of her identity. Hoshiyo used his position to give her a convincing alias, putting her public record on ice and changing her surname to Suzuki. In turn she was immediately signed up for the Ninja Academy, where her prior early training allowed her to shine bright and stand out among her peers in marks. She was acknowledged as capable from the start, though her father did his best to make sure praise wouldn't go to her head. But it was her mother, Kaede, that made the best strides on that front by teaching her to be understanding of others. Asashio was taught that everyone had their struggles and that true strength came from within, so she shouldn't be too proud and lord it over others who may well be truly stronger than her where it counts. Of course this improved her attitude but neither of her parents were ever quite able to bleed her of her pride. But one thing was for certain: Asashio learned well from her father and shared several of his positive traits such as her loyalty to the village. In her eyes it was her fate to one day become the Amekage and keep the village on the good path. yeh-yeh standard shit, father trains her but still loves her, but because she trained she super stronk and got a leg up on the rest

After Hoshiyo became ill things began to change for Asashio in a not-so-good way. It was apparent early on that her father was going to die and that knowledge didn't make the slow descent any easier to watch. She had hoped he would make it to see her graduate the Ninja Academy and officially become a kunoichi, but in her final year he perished. Her mourning was made worse when her mother quickly remarried to another man that Asashio had never even met, one which she held contempt against before he even did anything wrong. And he did do something very wrong. One night he fell victim to the drink and assaulted the young girl in the worst possible way Naruto-esque backstory? check, a mistake he paid for dearly when she killed him in his sleep the very next night ruthless killer? check. This incident was quickly and quietly swept under the rug by the new Amekage, Yogensha how nice of her to do such a thing wow she's totally the best leader of Amegakute yet to come, after she had learned of Hoshiyo's family and Asashio's true identity. She was allowed to return to the Academy and complete her education, though now a rift had developed between the young girl and her mother which forced Asashio to find an apartment of her own to stay at. She paid for this, of course, by stealing a significant amount of her mother's wealth before she left for good which her mother made no point of and accepted without hesitation. Now on her own and just about to become a genin, Asashio's resolve is stronger than ever. It was not her father's way to be choked up and held back by tragedy and thus she moves forward. After all, one cannot be truly great and esteemed if they didn't have at least some kind of tragic backstory. yeah look at nardo, itachi, pain, sauceke, etc. all in all it's a solid backstory, it took a bit of a dive when suddenly tragedy but i feel like so long as it doesn't become the main focal point of the character (look how ABUSED i was) it's fine. also it's unclear to me whether everyone now knows she's the daughter of Hiyoshi-man

▸ Personality:

✓ Confident

Her heritage and her upbringing have allowed Asashio to be confident in her strengths and capabilities to the point of rarely ever doubting them.

✗ Proud

Her heritage and her upbringing have allowed Asashio to develop a strong sense of pride, and one which she would be quick to defend.

✓ Empathetic

Being taught how to read people means Asashio can also understand them fairly well and relate on a personal level with those in distress. kk so she's strong _and_ a social butterfly

✗ Emotional

Her empathy to emotion leaves her own emotions vulnerable. She can be easily angered, saddened, or otherwise vary in her emotional state under certain stresses.

✓ Loyal

Bound to the village by fate and duty, one cannot find a more loyal girl to Amegakure than Asashio. She will gladly lay down her life for the village and its people.

✗ Masochist

In fact she's so willing to get hurt for others that she often makes reckless decisions with no regard to her own safety.

✓ Quick Learner

Aware of her own youth and inexperience Asashio keeps an open mind and is always willing to learn something new, which she has an aptitude to do.

✗ Tunnel Vision

Her ability to focus to improve also turns against her, as once she is focused on something it is difficult for her to get her mind off it and this affects her combat ability.

▸ Dreams and hopes:

ｘ To become Amekage.
ｘ To make a name for herself separately from her father. looking at Konohamaru this is going to be hard
ｘ To inspire courage and strength in others.
ｘ To truly put the past behind her.

▸ Desires:

ｘ Control over her emotions.
ｘ Unrivaled strength, both fortitude and physical might.
ｘ To protect Amegakure from foreign threats.
ｘ To make friends to replace her lost family. uwu start with sadako miss hiyoshi-senpai

▸ Fears:

ｘ Failing to live up to what she believes her father expected of her.
ｘ Losing the respect of those around her.
ｘ Being assaulted again. double-tragedy
ｘ What lurks in the dark.

▸ Motivations:

Ultimately it is her desire to follow in her father's footsteps and become a powerful figurehead that drives her forward. To continue his legacy and protect Amegakure while also being considered her own person. All the pain and misfortune and challenges are merely pitstops on her road to greatness.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Military

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ Kekkei genkai:

Storm Release

▸ Description:

The combination of Water and Lightning chakra to create Storm Release. Precise lightning that shares some attributes with water, allowing it to "flow" and be controlled in ways normal Lightning techniques never could. Functionally this is essentially "better" Lightning on the surface but it can devastate any foe who simply regards it as such.

▸ Strengths:

Immediate pros that Storm Release offers is precision and power, as the techniques allow great control and devastating effect. It naturally overpowers Lightning and Earth techniques effortlessly. With focus the attacks can essentially become lasers or they can flow and navigate around (or through) an environment.

▸ Weaknesses:

Storm Release inherits the same weakness to Wind that Lightning has, being more easily disrupted by Wind techniques while also losing its conductivity in water in favor of direct control. All the power, speed, and precision also come at a steep price as Storm techniques are inherently very chakra intensive. chakra cost for techniques are not a weakness in the sense that it doesn't do jackshit to help me overcome them on their own. yes, using the mangekyo sharingan is chakra intensive, but it fucking destroys anyone that isn't a shinobi god, so who gives a fuck. overall this is fine, just let this serve as a reminder that chakra cost is a quality, not a weakness

▸ S-rank Techniques

▸ A-rank Techniques

Storm Release: Flying Dragon God Technique sounds like FTG but FDG instead... having an A rank as a genin though...................... it's fine just keep it in mind that this technique probably requires a bit more control than she might actually have

▸ B-rank Techniques

Storm Release: Laser Circus k
Lightning Release: Thunderbolt
Storm Release: Thundering Halo Fist

▸ C-rank Techniques

Water Clone Technique
Water Release: Hiding in Rain Technique
Storm Release: Laser Bullet

▸ D-rank Techniques

Shadow Shuriken Technique

▸ E-rank Techniques

All Academy Techniques

▸ Custom Jutsu:

Storm Release: Thundering Halo Fist
▸ Rank:

B

▸ Range:

Short to Medium

▸ Description:

A ring of Storm chakra forms around Asashio's fist when the jutsu is cast. It remains until she lands a punch with that fist, when it then explodes violently in the direction of the blow forming a laser beam. This technique has incredible penetrating power up close, though Asashio can sacrifice some of that penetration to instead activate the laser without landing a blow to make this attack ranged. Glancing blows still feel the heat and electric shock of the discharge, which can have varying effects of general inconvenience.

▸ Weaknesses:

At range it can be nullified by a thick Wind technique, though due to its penetrating power at close range it can only at best be weakened in this way rather than fully negated. The technique can be forced to fire prematurely by making Asashio's fist hit something. dodging the beam is still possible providing the user is fast enough. this is pretty much always the case

Storm Release: Flying Dragon God Technique
▸ Rank:

A

▸ Range:

Long

▸ Description:

After forming copious amounts of Storm chakra in her hands, Asashio forms it into the shape of a large eastern-style dragon. This dragon will accurately and with great haste chase down targets to crash into. As it bristles with energy it hardly needs any contact at all to thoroughly electrocute a human being. Quick as lightning and as ruthless as a bloodhound, it can reach an extreme range chasing down targets. Nimble enough to avoid obstacles and counter-attacks, and is even capable of going through the ground to surprise foes from below. hmmm, okay, you lost me here. how does lazer/plasma electricity go through the ground? if you remove that it's fine

▸ Weaknesses:

Sufficiently strong defensive techniques can block the dragon and prevent contact, particularly Wind techniques. looking for more direct counter type weaknesses Asashio remains stationary to control the dragon and thus becomes the true vulnerability of the technique. Very chakra taxing to perform the technique, though once the dragon is formed it is fairly easy to maintain it. and less ''this inconveniences the user'' weaknesses. have a think on it, edit it and it'll be fine

Storm Release: Laser Bullet
▸ Rank:

C

▸ Range:

Medium

▸ Description:

Asashio points her hand like a finger-gun and fires a quick laser of Storm chakra. The beam is narrow but capable of causing serious damage in a direct hit, as it has both penetrating power and high amperage. A good way to get a hole through you and electrocuted into numbness at the same time. so how damaging is it actually? like it shoots a hole through you? that's a lot of power for a mere genin, unless you are accounting for the timeskip already. at genin level i see this being more like leaving burn marks, but the technique fires more rapidly giving it a speed edge over other techniques. later on you can make a stronger version of this jutsu that can shoot holes through the target, for now that's a bit much

▸ Weaknesses:

Though the laser itself is fast it is not continuous and can be dodged with pre-emptive movement. A thick layer of Wind chakra can also potentially nullify the beam but most likely will just mitigate a lot of the damage. if done as above, this would be fine, but if it shoots holes through people these weaknesses aren't good enough

▸ Equipment and weaponry

Standard Gear

Edit and it'll be accepted, move it into the char bin when ready

@j8cob

Naruto: Black Sun

Review in red

Okada Teru

looks like a 9 year old kid and i'm not so sure hving no shoes is advisable for a shinobi

Okada Teru

“...As is tradition.”

these colors already gave me a headache and i haven't even read anything about the character yet
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ Name:
Teru Okada

▸ Nickname:
Teru-Bozu meaning

▸ Clan:
Okada

▸ Rank:
Genin

▸ Sex:
M

▸ Sex appearance:
?

▸ Age:
13 years old.

▸ Age appearance:
10 hmmmm called it

▸ Sexuality:
?

▸ Birthplace:
| | | | Rain well, you put in effort to make the amegakure symbol -- but it would've been easier to use the image version.... and amegakure has four lines... not three

▸ Village:
| | | Rain

▸ Affiliations:
ｘ Okada Clan
ｘ Village Hidden In The Rain
ｘ Souten Gambling House
ｘ Nijiro Sumo Hall

Primary nature:
Wind i literally included the symbols for you why didn't you use them?
Secondary nature:
Water
Tertiary nature:
Lightning

▸ Appearance:

Extremely short, eternally damp, feet are perpetually covered in mud up to the ankles, always smells musty jesus christ

▸ Wardrobe:

Teru's outerwear consists purely of traditional hand-crafted ponchos and raincoats. Footwear of any kind is verboten oh wir sprechen jetzt deutsch? güt vör mir zu wissen, as is any form of underclothing not a fundoshi.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Biography

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ History:

Teru's clan are one of the most deeply rooted families in the Land Of Rain. Primarily located at a hermitage to the north of the city, their anachronistic ways have lead many to consider them relics of a bygone era. Nonetheless, their lineage holds great political power over the city due to the fact that they maintain the ever-present rain that falls upon the village what? no, that's a result of it always raining and Yogensha's rain-tiger-at-will that she copied from Pain. this is canon shit, as well as their great support in defending the village from invaders. how Teru, specifically, belongs to a branch family responsible for day-to-day interactions with the people of Amegakure, performing anything from daily errands to participation in formal shinobi training so that the core family may focus purely on the cultivation of their technique. what? you're gonna need to explain more. also i dont get the point of the rainbow coloring format

As a result of his place in the clan, Teru has managed to establish a baseline level of social competence far above that of core clan members, and is capable of intensive tasks such as conversing with strangers and exchanging currency for goods and services. Unable to handle such an astounding level of personal charisma, many of his peers shunned his brilliance what? so because he is good at talking to people, people shun him because he's just too damn goodat talking to people? this makes no sense at all and kept to themselves. Likewise, those within Teru's clan treat him as one of the unclean, both by tradition and because of his bold new ideas regarding the family legacy we don't know what is the family legacy, let alone what his ideas are?, considered blasphemous by many.

Shunned on all sides, Teru eventually fell in with the dregs of society; people who smoked and drank in excess, swore violently, openly ogled women and spent the better part of their days in grimy gambling parlors. Thus, tragically, did Teru forge a strong friendship with the town's elderly population, spending many a late night engrossed in high stakes shogi games or watching sumo matches. Having recently passed the Genin exams with middling scores, Teru continues to faithfully serve as a member of the low caste.

▸ Personality:
✓ Stoic
Teru is eternally aloof and cool under pressure.
✗ Spacey
...Likely because he has a hard time grasping the situation to begin with.
✓ Bold
Teru lives an unapologetic lifestyle that knows no regrets.
✗ Shameless
...Mostly because he has no concept of shame.
✓ Creative
Teru displays incredible creative talent for his clan.
✗ Sheltered
...Which his upbringing has made great effort to stamp out.
✓ Knowledgeable
Teru has a broad body of knowledge and seems to know a little something about everything.
✗ Simple
...But since he can't vet information well, the accuracy is dubious.

▸ Dreams and hopes:
ｘ To loyally serve in his role as face of the Okada clan
ｘ Shogi 9-Dan
ｘ Yokozuna
ｘ Shogi 4-Dan

▸ Desires:
ｘ To maybe have weather other than rain sometimes in the village hiden in the rain? doubt
ｘ To be acknowledged by his peers
ｘ To ease the burdens of the elderly
ｘ Being dry for over five minutes wear a cloak

▸ Fears:
ｘ Being disowned by his clan
ｘ That his clan might be part of the problem
ｘ That his customs may be outdated
ｘ That the people he considers friends could die of old age at a moment's notice

▸ Motivations:

Between his obligations to the clan and his obligations to the village, Teru has never really had time to dwell on why he does much of anything. If given free time he tends to find himself at a loss. Teru is critically lacking any kind of serious drive or ambition, rarely seeing anything past short-term personal comfort as a problem actually worth solving. In a sense, Teru's motivation is to find something that motivates him. It's all very zen in a simple kind of way.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Military

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

▸ Hiden Technique:
Weather Manipulation Technique

▸ Description:
The secret technique of the Okada clan, passed down for over 200 years. Originally developed during their time as a nomadic tribe to ease travel, it has been refined into a powerful combat technique through years of secretive research. All techniques begin with a seal sequence of Bird - Snake - Dog - Dragon, followed by the Okada clan's unique seal, which is in turn followed by a second seal sequence that defines the exact nature of the weather.

▸ Strengths:
Large area of effect. Techniques all have indirect avenues of attack, allowing for great flexibility when targeting. Excels in large scale battles where the user can act as artillery.

▸ Weaknesses:
Painfully unsubtle. By nature of its function, any and all offensive techniques involving the Weather Manipulation Technique must take a linear path from the sky to their intended target. In other words, this means it can be thwarted by remaining indoors. Additionally, the scale of the Weather Manipulation Technique means it requires a high degree of precision and coordination to avoid friendly fire when fighting alongside allies.

▸ S-rank Techniques
N/A

▸ A-rank Techniques
N/A

▸ B-rank Techniques
N/A

▸ C-rank Techniques
Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Fury
Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Flash
Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Roar

▸ D-rank Techniques
Weather Manipulation Technique
Hiding In Mist Technique
Dynamic Entry
Nijiro-Style Heaven And Earth this isn't narutopedia

▸ E-rank Techniques
Clone Technique
Substitution Technique
Transformation Technique

▸ Custom Jutsu:
//// Weather Manipulation Technique
▸ Rank:
D

▸ Range:
Long Range, Radius, Centered On User

▸ Description:
The basic Weather Manipulation Technique from which all advanced variants stem, it is drilled into all members of the Okada clan from birth. By performing the basic sequence with only one additional handsign, the user can change the surrounding weather on command. The amount of chakra invested into the technique determines both the size of the weather pattern and the speed of formation. If the user stops feeding chakra into the technique, it will disperse naturally as the local climate dictates. Common patterns include clear skies, rainstorms, and snow.

▸ Weaknesses:
I dunno just like punch the sky so the clouds disperse or something it's not like they can fight back. no

//// Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Fury
▸ Rank:
C

▸ Range:
Long Range, Radius, Targeted

▸ Description:
Heaven's Fury builds on the basic Weather Manipulation Technique by adding an extra seal sequence, which enlarges and accelerates raindrops in a localized area, thereby giving them force akin to a bullet technique and pelting anyone caught in the area of effect with incredible force. Naturally, this technique can only be used in a rainstorm.

▸ Weaknesses:
Have something above you to block it, like a roof or a barrier or whatever. Additionally, there is a short delay between the resolution of the technique and the technique actually going off, since it needs time to fall.

//// Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Flash
▸ Rank:
C

▸ Range:
Long Range, Radius, Centered On User

▸ Description:
Heaven's Flash builds on the basic Weather Manipulation Technique by adding an extra seal sequence, which temporarily changes the humidity in the air in order to refract sunlight and create a quick, blinding flash to disorient opponents. This technique works best in fair weather, but can be used in other conditions so long as there is a reasonable degree of ambient light.

▸ Weaknesses:
Sunglasses No Jutsu this is retarded

//// Weather Manipulation Technique: Heaven's Roar
▸ Rank:
C

▸ Range:
Long Range, Radius, Centered On User

▸ Description:
Heaven's Roar builds on the basic Weather Manipulation Technique by adding an extra seal sequence, conjuring a gale-force windstorm that clears away visual obstructions (such as fog, smoke, etc.) and forces projectiles off course thereby rendering all but the most careful aim useless. Unlike the offensive variants of the Weather Manipulation Technique, this technique must be maintained or the windstorm will rapidly die down.

▸ Weaknesses:
Run up and punch the user in the teeth until he stops doing the thing.

▸ Equipment and weaponry
Kakunokasa
▸ Type:
Umbrella
▸ Description:
A sturdy umbrella that can function as a shield or club.

Also the standard kunai and bomb tags and wires etc.

Ok done.

I feel like this is more a joke application than a real one, so I just saved myself the suffering of commenting on things that made no sense. It's not even that I don't think you're a good writer -- it's that I believe you have fundamentally misunderstood the setting of the roleplay and the type of characters I am looking for. As much as I'd enjoy having an aloof moron character around, I don't think having your style of roleplay in the RP itself would benefit me as a GM and I don't think it'd benefit the other players.

So alongside rejecting it, I'll also suggest you move on and find another roleplay that is perhaps a little more comedic in nature.

@Shortcake

Naruto: Black Sun

Okay, nevermind. The new Boruto ep that was supposed to be up today isn't up yet. I'll go review.

Naruto: Black Sun

@j8cob I'm not gonna do a full blown review right now but I'll just let you know ahead of time that when I do a full review I'm going to say that the storm release jutsu you made custom have too strong strengths and too weak weaknesses. Either that - or the jutsu are not clear in how much damage they do. Finger gun for example I get the feeling that it shoots all the way through you, but that's a) pretty damn fucking strong for a genin and b) dumb when you consider that the only way to dodge is with 'pre-emptive movement'.

Are spreadsheet games allowed?

@Odin An example would be war of the worlds (rpg from another website), where each player controls a species/nation that fight in a war. Rhe spreadsheet kind of functioned like a civ/risk board, and after each round the gm would add narrate the events that happened in the previous rounds.

@Treehee

Oh, I think that sounds more like a more serious forum game than an actual roleplay-style that we have here. It'd probably be nation roleplay (but that's suicide for your RP) so I'd suggest placing it in casual or advanced.

Are spreadsheet games allowed?

@Treehee I see no reason why not. I don't know where you'd place them, do you have an example? It's sounding like a tabletop like game, but I'm not sure since it doesn't sound like you're gonna use rolls or anything?

Hi there!

@Treehee uiteraard, kan haast niet anders.