October 18th, 1985
Autumn arrived in a whirlwind of frazzled hair and visible puffs of breathlessness; but, by the time Vanessa opened her door, not a single hair was displaced. It was the push and pull of their relationship Autumn found familiar — tucking her vulnerability and imperfections carefully before Vanessa could find them. And Vanessa wanted to find them.
"You're here early." Vanessa sang, as Autumn was the first one to arrive. Autumn suspected she would be the first one to go, too.
"I couldn't wait to see the birthday girl." Autumn smiled, though the truth was much more complex. She was in the mood to be held and touched, but Autumn wouldn't dare say that aloud. Instead, she thrusted her small wrapped gift forward, "This is for you. I, ah, got something for your brother, too."
She did. It was a stupid gift, something she saw in the window and grabbed because it was just expensive enough to count as 'thoughtful'.
Vanessa thanked her and they spent the half hour chatting amicably on her couch until the other guests started pouring in. Autumn eventually lost Vanessa to the hurricane of 'welcomes' and 'happy birthdays', and sat uncertain and glum on the couch. At one point she peeked her through the crowd, simpering (or, at least, that's what it looked like to Autumn) to that burnout, Robert James Scott. Autumn tossed him a surly glare; it wasn't that she was jealous, it was that she didn't like boys like RJ and she didn't like that Vanessa deigned to give them her attention. They were a bad sort, in Autumn's opinion (but, then again, she thought anyone with a grade below a B average was of a bad sort).
Autumn wasted her time on the couch, counting down the minutes until it was socially acceptable for her to leave. And, when she could safely say she was tired, stayed on the couch anyways. She twisted her fingers in her lap and felt like the walls were closing in on her. It would be so easy to stand up and walk through the door, get into her shitty car and chug home. She yearned, though. Selfishly, anxiously, stupidly.
"You're still here." Vanessa said breathlessly into her ear, and Autumn wanted to pull her into a kiss right there.
"It's your birthday." Autumn responded, as if she wasn't planning on bolting only a second before. Vanessa stumbled over someone's feet and gripped Autumn's forearm, her drink sloshing dangerously until it spilled all over Autumn's pristine cream shirt.
"Autumn, I'm sorry!" Vanessa gasped, placing her drink on a table, "I think I have another shirt you can borrow."
Her arm still encased in Vanessa's grip, she was ferried through the sea of people and Autumn couldn't help but feel conspicuous. Like they could tell what she was thinking (soft hands, smooth cheeks, bright eyes in the dark) and Autumn wanted to melt into the floor. The trek to Vanessa's room couldn't be slower, the birthday girl was stopped every dozen steps for good wishes, and Autumn kept her head ducked so they wouldn't see her blushing cheeks or the embarrassing stain on her blouse.
"I have this really pretty pink shirt you can try on." Vanessa babbled, her hand slipping from Autumn's forearm to grasp her hand. Autumn wanted to snatch her hand back, yell at Vanessa to never do that again; instead, she smiled wanly and followed Vanessa to her door.
The oak door opened and closed behind them, the clicking sound damning. Autumn fell back against it, trying to gather her senses. It was so easy for her to fall like this, for her mind to spiral when crowded and the noise had been too much for her to think but now it was too silent. Vanessa was oblivious to her friend's troubles and had her back turned to her, ruffling through her drawers for that pink shirt.
"Vanessa," Autumn gasped into the silence, fingers clenched on the door knob. Vanessa pivoted towards her, looking at her fully for the first time that night. Autumn hated it. "Vanessa, will you kiss me?"
The words were whispered, she was too paranoid to say them any louder. For a second, Vanessa didn't move and Autumn thought she might not have heard. If she didn't hear the first time, Autumn wasn't going to ask a second time. She twisted the door knob, ready to flee, when Vanessa finally moved. Her eyes shuttered, as if she was shedding into another Vanessa. A Vanessa that Autumn needed, wanted — someone that could ground her.
Vanessa's lips were on hers and she tasted like raspberries and guilt. It was wrong of Autumn to seek this from her. Not only did Autumn have no feelings for Vanessa, but they were both girls. Autumn wasn't gay! She liked boys, she knows she does because she kissed Matthew Craddock in the fifth grade. Vanessa was so soft though, sighing into Autumn when she wrapped her arms around her. The thoughts spinning in Autumn's head quieted to a whisper and she shoved down the guilt until it was a ball of barb wire in her gut.
"Autumn," Vanessa whimpered, pulling back and the look in her eyes wasn't different than usual. Autumn was never good at pinning others' emotions down, she couldn't read the signs, but even she could see Vanessa warring with herself. "I–"
Thump. "Has anyone seen Vanessa?"
Just like that, the world leaked back in and Autumn felt the ground falling beneath her. Vanessa looked at her like she was a startled animal, and Autumn thinks she might be. She bit out, "I need fresh air."
The door clicked behind her and she scrambled into the throng of people, away from whatever Vanessa was going to tell her.
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