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    1. New Herald 9 yrs ago

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*broadcast from political exile*

LOYALTY AWARDS

Poetry: 'His Greatness' by @Blizz. Poetry should be accurate. This poem was accurate -- even if it fell short somewhat of the true splendor of our great and noble GOD WHY IS HE DEAD!!!?! HAIL the Glorious Leader...

Fiction: 'Firebrand' by @Shorticus. A cunning tale. Perhaps if I throw myself in a great fire, the Glorious Leader can return as well? Perhaps I'll try one day.... HAIL the Glorious Leader....

Loyalty: A long title: 'A short mention, a simple account, a telling about our Glorious Leader, most divine is He' by @klomster. I laughed. I cried. I got confused, but I liked it. Say, can you start a ceremonial fire? I have an idea.... HAIL the Glorious Leader...
You jerks. You big, stupid jerks!!

*is broadcasting live with a half-empty bottle of GLORIOUS BOOZE*

Are you happy? HMM? Are you proud of yourselves? He was the best and most GLORIOUS LEADER ever and you KILLED HIM!!! You loyal citizens – I know, some of you had nothing to do with his death. But you LET HIM DIE!!! I’m….. I’m so…… I can’t even…… AND NOW I’M STUCK WITH ALL THESE STUPID KIDS ALL DAY. THEY DON’T EVEN PLAY CARDS, AND THEIR PUPPIES SMELL LIKE POOP.

I’M SO SAD I COULD PUKE.

Look. I don’t even wanna do this anymore, okay? I HATE YOU YOU ALL SUCK. But in the spirit of honoring the GLORIOUS LEADER, here goes nothing. Alright? Nothing.

ATTENTION

Last night sucked. The GLORIOUS LEADER was getting ready to read all your stupid poems and stories and crap to the whole nation and then he GOT POISON-KNIFED, SHOT, STRUNG UP AND DRAGGED OFF A BALCONY, THEN SHOT AGAIN, THEN LIT ON FIRE AND THEN THROWN OFF THE TOWER AND BOMBED. Maybe he’s okay, you’re thinking! No. NO HE’S NOT OKAY NOTHING IS OKAY. Ugh. Well some of you tried at least. There was like fighting and crap, and a bunch of really impressive fireworks that didn’t seem to do much of anything. It was like those JERKS THE REBEL JERKS knew what we were doing and where we were going – we couldn’t do crap. They were all over us and they got inside and…… well, he’s dead. DEAD! OKAY?!? YOU GOT HIM YOU BIG STUPID JERKS!!!!

That said, he did still get a chance to read over all your submissions. And right up until you MURDERED HIM he seemed pretty pleased. Or like insanely, furiously angry in like a blood-lusty kind of way, it was always hard to tell with him. He did pick out a few favorites, but he was gonna wait until everyone got a chance to hear all the GLORIOUS LOYALTY before issuing his commendations. I guess he waited too long. YOU JERKS. Anyway. I’m sad. So….. here’s the results of this thing that killed the GLORIOUS LEADER. This was a terrible idea and I hate everybody. Excuse me, I’m going to drink all the rest of his GLORIOUS booze.


















ATTENTION



The Rebel Forces are defeated. The GLORIOUS LEADER has brilliantly succeeded in his personal campaign to root them out. This is our hour of victory. In gratitude for your loyal and obedient service, and in recognition of your heroism in carrying out His divine will without question, the GLORIOUS LEADER would like to personally address the citizens of the realm. He will appear in person to accept your tributes of fiction and prose on the 15th, when the submitted pieces will be put on display for all to see. Rejoice in your victory, comrades! He has won!

HAIL THE GLORIOUS LEADER!

You're probably wondering what that weird gray box is. We don't really know anything about it -- hell I can't even read it! But I typed up a little message to poke whatever rebels are left. Our analysts have been working non-stop on them since this whole thing started, and all we've figured out so far is that it's THEORETICALLY possible to bury a message in there. Can't tell for sure if the rebels are using them or not, but just in case they are, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We got them good maybe! @mdk has actually proven pretty much useless -- we can't get anything out of him yet, but lots and lots of clever tortures are in store for this little guy. It's true what I said -- the Glorious Leader wants to appear to everyone, and he'll be here soon. But he's not foolish enough to think the rebels are ACTUALLY beaten yet. We need all the security we can get -- a deadly show of force. @Ellri, @Dark Wind, and @VERYLOYALtoGL, you three are responsible for preparing the way. I want NO INCIDENTS upon the Glorious Leader's arrival -- whatever work you deem necessary, see that it's done before the 15th. Slay as many as you need, it doesn't matter. Prepare the way. Terminate all threats with extreme prejudice. The Glorious Leader will honor your contributions to the cause.
CODED BURST

We need spin coverage on the latest round of bombings. Perhaps the best course of action is to portray the destruction of the Ministry of Mercy as a hostile attack, and attempt to win public support that way. I leave it to you. In the meantime I will be working with @VeryLoyaltoGL to acquire a person of interest in the bombings; all others loyal to the GLORIOUS LEADER are given full discretion to use any means necessary to fight the rebels. Do not fail.
ATTENTION

Feline-borne disease is on the rise. The Ministry of Mercy has issued a report stating that as many as one in five household cats may be infected with dangerous communicable disease. As of this study, there is no reason to suspect that feline-to-human infection has occurred; however, as a safety precaution, the Ministry of Mercy has asked the loyal subjects of the GLORIOUS LEADER to volunteer any potentially infectious cats for termination. This voluntary termination policy will remain in effect for a one-week period, after which compulsory terminations will begin. HAIL THE GLORIOUS LEADER!

They are insulting us, and they are insulting me, and they are insulting the glorious leader. This afternoon all our systems were hacked to play only 'cat videos' and this insufferable music -- surely you have heard it by now. The administration is not amused. Well if the rebels wanted to bring cats into this, they got cats into this, and so be it. Sic Semper Cattus.

You the so-called "loyal" have failed to bring about an end of this rebellion. I will not suffer the same fate as my predecessor. Bring me information on the identity or whereabouts of Codename R. Sanctions will continue until this terrorist is brought to justice. You have your orders. Go.
ATTENTION

This morning the GLORIOUS LEADER called for an emergency Peace March in the Western District, barrio 15. All citizens from the Western District, barrio 15 were ordered to assemble outside. The Western District, barrio 15 was then burned to the ground. Approximately 300 disloyal citizens were killed in the blaze. HAIL THE GLORIOUS LEADER!
In light of his personal failings, the one you know as "Glorious Herald" has been banished from the realm. His ineffectual pursuit of rebel elements, and his moral weakness in prosecuting the will of the GLORIOUS LEADER, are on his own head. The one formerly known as "Glorious Herald" is a failure, and to fail the GLORIOUS LEADER is treason. Therefore, henceforth and to eternity, any man, woman, or child who mentions the traitor, "Glorious Herald," by name shall be branded a colluder, a sympathizer, a traitor, and a villain. The justice of the GLORIOUS LEADER is swift and without mercy. Let the traitor's name be stricken from the record.

The GLORIOUS LEADER has issued a decree. All rebel scum shall be eradicated from the realm by the end of the week. Treachery will be pursued with vigor and fortitude. The villains will hang. Report all suspicious activity to your local Ministry of Truth or any nearby delegates of the GLORIOUS LEADER. Failure to report will be considered treason. Your local delegates will conduct a full investigation to determine whether or not you have made any attempts to physically detain or kill the rebels. Failure to make such attempts will result in probation or execution at the delegate's discretion. Go forth with the GLORIOUS LEADER's blessing and root them out.

HAIL THE GLORIOUS LEADER!
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