Qia
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Festive
Half Pint
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Aeolian
Yankee
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6 mos ago
Current
Ribbit.
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Bio
Watch out.
The gap in the door... it's a separate reality.
The only me is me.
Are you sure the only you is you?
The gap in the door... it's a separate reality.
The only me is me.
Are you sure the only you is you?
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL NOW, WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED
Most Recent Posts
@Hillan, as promised.
-A few minor grammatical errors, mostly around the use of apostrophes, and the sentences can feel a little awkward and stilted at times. Watch your repetition and your syntax; break up your dialogue with a new line for each speaker. The storytelling is sound but there is an occasional stumble that pulls the reader out of it. Of course, this may very well be due to english not being your native language.
-Eobard’s characterization is exceptional. I especially enjoy how well you portray a man who knows the future yet plays along with the story. It’s an interesting meta-narrative of sorts, and it’s entertaining. It isn’t often the audience shares their dramatic irony with the characters in the story.
-Post 4/5, ‘Blur’, look up Vantablack. Thank me later. The villain is interesting. I don’t have much knowledge about Flash’s rogues beyond the obvious and what the show utilized, so it’s fun having you present someone/something I have zero preconceptions about as your first antagonist.
-While I enjoy the use of the wider rogues and their ability to surprise Thawne - Thawne’s hubris, by the way, is riveting to read and thoroughly enjoyable - the pacing feels too fast, even for a Flash story. We go from Thawne defeating his first rogue, which was an anomaly in itself that’s never really addressed, to being accosted by arguably Flash’s 4 biggest rogues in one night and offing one of them in the process. It feels off putting somewhat.
-Thawne’s motivation pivot from ‘I’m better than Barry’ to ‘I love Nora’ is the start of a beautiful redemption story and maybe the first time we can feel sympathy for this man who is otherwise violent, arrogant, sociopathic, and fuelled by hatred. It’s a lovely turning point in Thawne’s development, and it’s such a shame that there were zero hints or nods or vague foreshadowing or brief exploration of the depth of Thawne’s character before this entrapment. It’s clear there’s an internal battle between the man who survived on hatred and the man who wanted to love, and I really, really want to see more of it.
-All in all it’s an entertaining story that sometimes can be difficult to read with a few out-of-the-blue character turns. Fun, but missing finesse. Feels like perhaps you’re flying by the seat of your pants a tad? If you haven’t already, try a skeleton for your plot direction and use that as a reference tool.
-A few minor grammatical errors, mostly around the use of apostrophes, and the sentences can feel a little awkward and stilted at times. Watch your repetition and your syntax; break up your dialogue with a new line for each speaker. The storytelling is sound but there is an occasional stumble that pulls the reader out of it. Of course, this may very well be due to english not being your native language.
-Eobard’s characterization is exceptional. I especially enjoy how well you portray a man who knows the future yet plays along with the story. It’s an interesting meta-narrative of sorts, and it’s entertaining. It isn’t often the audience shares their dramatic irony with the characters in the story.
-Post 4/5, ‘Blur’, look up Vantablack. Thank me later. The villain is interesting. I don’t have much knowledge about Flash’s rogues beyond the obvious and what the show utilized, so it’s fun having you present someone/something I have zero preconceptions about as your first antagonist.
-While I enjoy the use of the wider rogues and their ability to surprise Thawne - Thawne’s hubris, by the way, is riveting to read and thoroughly enjoyable - the pacing feels too fast, even for a Flash story. We go from Thawne defeating his first rogue, which was an anomaly in itself that’s never really addressed, to being accosted by arguably Flash’s 4 biggest rogues in one night and offing one of them in the process. It feels off putting somewhat.
-Thawne’s motivation pivot from ‘I’m better than Barry’ to ‘I love Nora’ is the start of a beautiful redemption story and maybe the first time we can feel sympathy for this man who is otherwise violent, arrogant, sociopathic, and fuelled by hatred. It’s a lovely turning point in Thawne’s development, and it’s such a shame that there were zero hints or nods or vague foreshadowing or brief exploration of the depth of Thawne’s character before this entrapment. It’s clear there’s an internal battle between the man who survived on hatred and the man who wanted to love, and I really, really want to see more of it.
-All in all it’s an entertaining story that sometimes can be difficult to read with a few out-of-the-blue character turns. Fun, but missing finesse. Feels like perhaps you’re flying by the seat of your pants a tad? If you haven’t already, try a skeleton for your plot direction and use that as a reference tool.
I just wanna say 301 IC posts is fucking crazy and is the longest IC of any game I have ever participated in.
I am never going to get through reading all of this shit.
Congrats guys. Big hype for Season 2.
I am never going to get through reading all of this shit.
Congrats guys. Big hype for Season 2.
The Winter Soldier may be cold, but that CS is...
Just want to update y'all since I've been a bit quiet recently; mental health has been a bit of a bitch this week, not helped by the recent weather here in the UK which has made sitting down to writing increasingly difficult. Regardless, I have half a post written and I'm going to try and finish today/tomorrow!
t's so hot here right now.
Stuck between catch-up reading the IC and plotting out Constantine for Season 2 at the moment, and still need to outline DareDevil. I’m just bouncing between all three plus work and video games. God my life is hard.
@Star Lord Okay, all up to date with Diana and ready to deliver my feedback:
-Pacing and sentence length. Vary it up and alter the flow of your writing. My immediate feedback is just how stilted everything feels. Sentences are around this sort of length. Maybe a bit longer, with a comma haphazardly slapped in the middle. Maybe a bit shorter like this. The uniform sentence length combined with a lack of punctuation really serves to create a sort of monotonous tone to your writing that quickly becomes tiring to plod through. I honestly want to limit your allowed period points per post and see what would happen. Let me refer you to this quote from Gary Provost:
Something to dwell on perhaps.
-Proof read your posts. Things like ‘came awake’ instead of ‘woke up’ or ‘awoke’, ‘reminded in the background’ instead of ‘remained’, and ‘ironic armour’ instead of ‘iconic’ really stand out and just slow down the read even more. These kinds of typos are littered throughout all your posts, from 1.1 right the way up to 5.2.
-Your tone is a bit...varied. There’s an interesting Proto-Sokovia Accords/Superhuman Registration Act political arc with the committee passing judgement on Diana, but also this almost cartoonish cabal of mixed-franchise rogues. Aladdin is an...interesting choice for main antagonist. The two plots don’t sit well together side by side. It’s probably better to decide if you like political intrigue or bronze-age heroes vs villains, and lean into that decision, to create a more cohesive and tonally consistent narrative.
-There is a solid plot thread in there - criminalising Diana, destroying her reputation, the history of being the first major active ‘hero’ for the setting, a proto-registration plot, a contemporary look at how the modern world might realistically react to vigilantes/heroes - but ultimately your writing, while technically sound, is artistically dry, and it becomes very drudging to read.
Okay, that's it.
-Pacing and sentence length. Vary it up and alter the flow of your writing. My immediate feedback is just how stilted everything feels. Sentences are around this sort of length. Maybe a bit longer, with a comma haphazardly slapped in the middle. Maybe a bit shorter like this. The uniform sentence length combined with a lack of punctuation really serves to create a sort of monotonous tone to your writing that quickly becomes tiring to plod through. I honestly want to limit your allowed period points per post and see what would happen. Let me refer you to this quote from Gary Provost:
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
Something to dwell on perhaps.
-Proof read your posts. Things like ‘came awake’ instead of ‘woke up’ or ‘awoke’, ‘reminded in the background’ instead of ‘remained’, and ‘ironic armour’ instead of ‘iconic’ really stand out and just slow down the read even more. These kinds of typos are littered throughout all your posts, from 1.1 right the way up to 5.2.
-Your tone is a bit...varied. There’s an interesting Proto-Sokovia Accords/Superhuman Registration Act political arc with the committee passing judgement on Diana, but also this almost cartoonish cabal of mixed-franchise rogues. Aladdin is an...interesting choice for main antagonist. The two plots don’t sit well together side by side. It’s probably better to decide if you like political intrigue or bronze-age heroes vs villains, and lean into that decision, to create a more cohesive and tonally consistent narrative.
-There is a solid plot thread in there - criminalising Diana, destroying her reputation, the history of being the first major active ‘hero’ for the setting, a proto-registration plot, a contemporary look at how the modern world might realistically react to vigilantes/heroes - but ultimately your writing, while technically sound, is artistically dry, and it becomes very drudging to read.
Okay, that's it.
<Snipped quote by Roman>
I'm all for communal stuff. If you want to share I would love to see a different perspective.
Here we go:
-I like Kelex and Livewire, and Lex Luthor has been great in his cameos. Kara herself is competently written, but it’s a shame I don’t like her as much as any of your supporting cast. It seems like you have great character direction with the people around Kara, but Kara herself, being young and new to the game and still exploring her powers, doesn’t feel as solid. Then again, it’s clear there’s still a lot of fleshing out and character development planned for Kara, so while she suffers now from a shaky start, I’m confident she’ll end up being an intricate character with a solid foundation, whereas her supporting cast are more one-note and therefore appear stronger in the early period.
-My only real gripe is there’s a lot of telling, and not enough showing. Your writing is serviceable and a pleasure to read, but I often find myself being told a character is frightened, or curious, or amused, etc etc, rather than given tone and body language to express the emotions organically. I understand with dialogue this is a limitation of the format, but it’s food for thought.
-Finally, your clearest strength is your command of narrative continuity and plot threading/hooking. Every post leads off from the last one and into the next one, each issue leaving on a point that launches the reader eagerly into the next one, and there’s a clear through line of what’s happening, why it’s happening, and what’s going to happen next, and it all feels organic rather than stiltedly stumbling from one plot point to the next (see: my DD arc).
Consider yourself fed-back sucka
@ComradeMaxx
-First of all, I love the dynamic between the team. Every member has their own distinct personality and voice, and they all have their quirks and characteristics, and their interaction in the classroom in your first post beautifully outlined each of them and how they interact with each other, and the different niches they fill in their personal social circle. They really feel like five different characters who naturally squabble with each other while keeping that underlying loyalty and affection in the way only real family can.
-That said I wish you’d get them back together. Hank, Scott and Bobby’s foray into the school to deal with Lance? Excellent, and also some great combat writing, an area I personally struggle both writing and reading so it’s so nice to see it done well with a natural ebb and flow, showcasing the strengths and failures of each character. Equally, Scott and Jean’s focus posts are equally commendable, with Jean easily becoming my favourite of your squad and her mind-read of Venom/Peter a personal highlight. But where’s Kurt? What are Hank and Bobby doing while Scott and Jean are out? There are large gaps - for Kurt, since the first post - where you just don’t touch on the other characters. This might be intentional, and at times it does feel like you’re playing Scott first and the others are his supporting cast, but after that introduction to everyone it’s such a shame that I’m missing out on them! But perhaps it’s commendable that I feel like I’m missing out on them in the first place!
-My final point is the amount of destruction your team seems to dish out despite Scott’s best efforts. With your set-up of Stryker that may have been the point, but there’s a lot of talking about the collateral damage caused by your characters but there doesn’t seem to be much remorse or attempt at mitigation. It just makes Scott’s fretting about mutant image feel a bit hollow at times.
There you go, bitch!
-First of all, I love the dynamic between the team. Every member has their own distinct personality and voice, and they all have their quirks and characteristics, and their interaction in the classroom in your first post beautifully outlined each of them and how they interact with each other, and the different niches they fill in their personal social circle. They really feel like five different characters who naturally squabble with each other while keeping that underlying loyalty and affection in the way only real family can.
-That said I wish you’d get them back together. Hank, Scott and Bobby’s foray into the school to deal with Lance? Excellent, and also some great combat writing, an area I personally struggle both writing and reading so it’s so nice to see it done well with a natural ebb and flow, showcasing the strengths and failures of each character. Equally, Scott and Jean’s focus posts are equally commendable, with Jean easily becoming my favourite of your squad and her mind-read of Venom/Peter a personal highlight. But where’s Kurt? What are Hank and Bobby doing while Scott and Jean are out? There are large gaps - for Kurt, since the first post - where you just don’t touch on the other characters. This might be intentional, and at times it does feel like you’re playing Scott first and the others are his supporting cast, but after that introduction to everyone it’s such a shame that I’m missing out on them! But perhaps it’s commendable that I feel like I’m missing out on them in the first place!
-My final point is the amount of destruction your team seems to dish out despite Scott’s best efforts. With your set-up of Stryker that may have been the point, but there’s a lot of talking about the collateral damage caused by your characters but there doesn’t seem to be much remorse or attempt at mitigation. It just makes Scott’s fretting about mutant image feel a bit hollow at times.
There you go, bitch!
Two of you may have noticed I'm using this hiatus to catch up with the IC I've missed. I'm also reading characters in blocks from start to the most current post so that I have a better through-line and can keep track. It's like binge-watching a netflix series vs watching the newest episode every week.
Anyway, as I'm doing so I will be taking notes and drawing up summary points and feedback when I reach the end. @Inkarnate and @ComradeMaxx, as you were the first ones to be caught up, I've got your feedback ready if you'd like it. Give me a shout if/where you want it.
Anyway, as I'm doing so I will be taking notes and drawing up summary points and feedback when I reach the end. @Inkarnate and @ComradeMaxx, as you were the first ones to be caught up, I've got your feedback ready if you'd like it. Give me a shout if/where you want it.
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