The Grey Dust

🦄 Duplicity - D&D Style Fantasy Rp Adventure (Completed)

@Lady Amalthea

I hope everything was appropriate.

🦄 Duplicity - D&D Style Fantasy Rp Adventure (Completed)

Thomas Richard Harrison

Location: The Crossed Swords, Disappointing Breakfast.
Interacting with: Kyra, Satilla.

A rather trifling affair. The fundamentals of magic had a complex simplicity about it. For every set of rules which exists, there were, and probably are, another set of rules which contradict the first set. In one way or another, one could suppose that it was impossible to accurate predict the nature of magic for it was a living doctrine with flows and ebbs which often disregarded itself. Difficult to conceptualize in understanding, but akin to threading a needle through itself until one runs out of the infinite needle that would never knot itself into permanency. However for the most part, magic did obey the laws and retained constant properties of being. And while Thomas' spellbook was hardly a complete anthology of every spellcrafting manual known to man and elf, and the occasional squidfaced telepath, it was a start of finding out what sort of magic is at play. A powerful artifact for one, would be suspect to a wide-area scan for the trace magical flux around an artifact of great power, given the way these artifacts seem to bend reality itself by sheer potency. But to do so required weeks of preparation, mechanisms of divining to be built, and a general known area to be surveyed, like a telescope to the astral seas.

Thus, was the question, how were the dead being raised? What source of magic was afoot? Perhaps the locals could tell more about the nature of the attacks. Although Thomas had no method of cross-referencing since he did not dabble in necromancy. Maybe he should start, for research's sake, maybe he could somehow craft a spell that would enable him to restore life? Well, it took him a few months to learn how to harness solar energy into not only incendiary flames but ones to heal. Flames to purge and mend, restoring the caster and burning those around him. Getting it just right was the difficult part as to split the energies between construction and destruction, perhaps necromancy was similar, the push and pull of life energies, animating the empty vessel, like a puppet on strings. Either way, as long as they don't suspect him being the necromancer, given his age, Thomas should be fine poking around.

Ah the quest for knowledge was a thirst no bar nor tavern nor pub could quench. Even as the bar wench made her rounds, seeing how she had to go bring food out, might as well see who else needed tending to. Yet the spellcaster hardly noticed her approach, buried in his book flipping pages back and forth between his thumbs. His own writing in the margins, jotting down some strange notes and so forth. In theory he could do it, finding the spell source, a ritual should be able to do the trick if and only if the caster was within a given radius of the ritual site. Yet unfortunately, Thomas know the mechanics of such a ritual to conduct it. He could given some study from a material, work out how to prepare and execute such a ritual. Was there a wizard or mage still left in town? Or was only Thomas the sole magical representative?

"Good Morning ladies, uh, we've lost quite a few people since four days ago. I uh... I think I'll stick around to help with uh, you know what, if that's okay with you Kyra. I might learn a thing or two about Nec- Uh I mean Nec- Nectarines? Yeah, let's go with that, nothing wrong with a farm boy leaning a thing or two about fruits right?" Well that was a close one, the dwarf was hopefully out of earshot, and so was anyone else interested in what a mage had to say and almost repeat his folly. It seemed like Thomas was learning, Kyra was not one he'd want against him. Speaking of, where was Sana and Keystone?

🦄 Duplicity - D&D Style Fantasy Rp Adventure (Completed)

@Lady Amalthea

Sorry, I've been having some mental health issues the past 2 days or so.
I'll try and get something tonight if I can find the inspiration :I

The 7 Sins: PRIDE

@Ellri

The challenge is described in the second hider. It is rather open to an extent as I am less specific about what exactly must happen. The acrostic in the first hider ought to give a partial idea of what is expected. However the second hider is the contest criteria use the information found in those three lines to guide your writing.

As for the goal, well that is for you to decide as writer. You may submit outside of the parameter but know you will have strayed from the path. As such it is advisable to stick to the general prompt given.

I hope this clarifies your question.

The 7 Sins: PRIDE

SALIGIA: The 7 Sins

Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven

Paradise Lost, Lines 258-63.

The first of the new writing competition series begins.
For those of us new to the RPG writing competitions and have no idea what they are, take a peek at an Introduction.

For those of you who participated in the Twelve Labours before or RPGC, you may be interested to know that this series will have a distinctively different thematic orientation. There are seven in total, and each one will hopefully amuse both reader and writer, inviting each to contemplate on each dreadful Sin.

Let the First Sin Begin. Submission ends at 11:06 AM GMT, Saturday June 17th 2017.

Entry Rules:

1. Follow the standard guild rules and these rules and also these rules.
2. Follow all T7S Official Rules.
3. Send your entry to @The Grey Dust by June 17th 2017 by 11:06 AM GMT, and state if you wish to submit anonymously.
4. No explicit/mature material, no exceptions.
5. Judges cannot submit entries, they must remain anonymous until after the final tally.
6. Judges reserve the right to simply toss out any story if it does not possess a basic modicum of good sense and taste.
7. You must use your own characters, and give credit to any franchises due if any are used.

Prizes:

For now, all winning entries will be given recognition for success. In the future, winning participants may receive a forum trophy as well as a unique, custom forum title which they can activate and deactivate at their leisure.

All winning entries will also be saved to a public archive. As a reminder, unless you specifically give me permission to include authorship of an entry, every posted story will remain anonymous.

PRIDE

"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all."

The Picture of Dorian Gray

The First Sin

PRIDE

Show
Unchecked
Pride
Enduring
Retribution
Beyond
Infernal
Agony

Broken for Pride:

Your Challenge is to break a paragon in any way you can.
They must be the best in their field renowned and unmatched by others.
And then you must destroy them, until they lose self-worth.

Clarification of the Challenge Parameters

This section attempts to illuminate any ambiguity or ambivalence, although hopefully the above is enough. They are intentionally left vague to a certain degree, with only 2 or 3 large parameters to fulfill. If you have any specific questions which are not addressed here, please send them to @The Grey Dust for resolution.

For PRIDE , You have been asked to punish the wicked, and make what was once great fall from such heights.

Q. The character must be perfect?
A. Perfect? I did not ask for perfection. Will there not be one fatal flaw for which they must be punished? They must simply be the best, that is the sole requirement to be fulfilled, nothing more, nothing less.

Q. Must the story have either a tragic or moral aspect?
A. Morality is the question you must argue with yourself. All you must do is knock down that which was placed on a pedestal. Be it moral or not.

Q. The story must end with death?
A. Only if it suits you. The parameters only require them to be purged of excess pride and humbled.

Q. How long can my story be?
A. As long as it needs to be. It is not the length of a story which matters but substance found within it.

Credits

Thanks again to @mdk, @Terminal, @RomanAria, and the entire RPGC crew for everything!

Great thanks to Lord @mahz and the other members of the guild staff for helping to renovate the guild and enabling the features that allow us to reward contestants and to advertise our presence.

The beautiful image of the Dorian Grey up above was made by kenmeyerjr on DeviantArt, whose profile can be viewed here.

The Submissions

King Dethroned by Kalleth

King Dethroned
Written by Kalleth

“The blood of the lambs must be spilt, in order to make our foemen wilt. We cannot allow this terrible force to reclaim what is ours. And if you all deny the facts that are at hand, I demand that you bring yourselves into the light and show us all what we must fight. There is nothing that can keep us from the dark, there is only what is lurking in our starkest nightmares, hoping to falter and to fail our every whim. So take your sins and shove them right into hell! And I’ll take your hands and raise them into our new world of opportunities and all we ever wished to keep in our undying glory brave!”

His words were goldenspun and taken from the one who taught him how to move a crowd. And though they cheered for his life, they wondered at night if he was the one who’d bring them all he promised. But in their doubts was hidden the spouse of hope. Hope which will kindle a fire in their breasts. They can’t rest until his name is carved in golden ways along the silvery battlements of their newest wondrous fortress. Every single person, born under the sign of Capricorn, can be categorized as a cocky, no-good, selfish bastard of a human being. But gods damn them of the highest sins, the ones that take us in and deliver all our harmonies singing to the angels and whispering to the devils.

The podium was lit by their gazes, grazing the crowd of its weeds. He set upon the heroes and told them all his fears, and they assuaged his pride. Yes they denied he had a problem. The cancer of the heart, the tumour plaguing his decisions, was derided by the snide id that took into his harmony. Discordant and dying, it set about a clangorous route to bring him low. But he was the King of all, he was the one who laid his foes low, yet who bowed before the gods almighty. He was a prideful man, but a pious one, and he knew that even under god he might rise higher. His feats might be crying, and though his spouse lied to him, he gave her one last chance.

“He supposed that his choices were all only ones worth the making of, and that might have been all true, except for what you did. You harlot and you snake, you evil treacherous fake! You ruined my master, you tore him from all the astral plains he was destined to ride through in life. So grab the knife, and take it into your guts, and tear out your own lies, fed to us all with equal enthusiasm. You cannot breach the chasm you rent all through the land!”

The crowd roared approval. The masses were brutal. They had a target for blood, and in a flood of chaotic massacre, they took their own ways after her. And all that remained once morning had come, was a painful smear on his reputation. Everyone knew that she had loved him too, and that in the end, that horned friend, he’d chosen power over people, and she’d brought him to a lethal counterpoint. The King anoints those he sees fit, to pierce with blades of irony. Tyranny uncloaked, words that bespoke the undeniable evil in his heart. And so the election, and the erection, of all his glory came to pass unchecked. And even in the wreck of his image, he still twisted the laws that lined the laneways. They were bracken in the swamp of discord, causing his unwinding undeserving death. He disparaged them and fed a new narrative into the causal canal that is our wholly uninfluenced medium. His grip tightened round the throats of those who laid before the founding of the world. His pouting lips unfurled in a curled sort of cringing smile of victory.

“Now let us drink friends, to our own expense. We have become the highest ones in the world! Living and dying, petty terms to keep us from having our cake and eating it too. Cataclysmic turbulence to push through, reality need not be our cage! We have no need for any rules unbinding, we can see that all the others minding our people are deluded sacks of unworthy eyes! The world shrinks to a single point of shining light and that will be our greatest triumph in bringing about the centrifugation, and cementation, of a single solid state. We’ll never inundate our electorate with dangerous principles or even unapproved fables of coming salvation. They’ll all be taken into one perfect unblemished wholly uninfluenced body of being that conquers the sun!”

Now he has won.

“Something has come, to our attention. Your King has lied to you. Stolen your rights from you. And even as he praises your obedience, he defies you, and he might do with some appraisal, nothing need keep it from your eyes. A drunken, angry, sinful, black-hearted wretch of a man. He has no plan, to save us from our evil! He is our evil! We are a people, put upon by the battering and evil whims of his madness. Martial laws, and his claws tighten round our freedoms and our eyesight grows dimmer in each passing minute we stand idle. We stand idle and like cattle at the slaughter. He violates our daughters, sons, brothers and sisters, mothers and our Father, he takes each one of us and breaks us down into our essential pieces. He doesn’t know what peace is, he can taste it, the blood of our country running red!

So take up the sword, and show him what we are capable of and who we’re fighting for! For each other, not for his other ambitions in the world! We are people, who can be people wherever people wish to be. There is a reason we were born with eyes to see, there is a reason we were meant to hear our voices. There is a reason we have tongues to speak, there is a real tangibility that teaches why we have an obligation to listen to all who would tell us their story. Stories, forgotten and oppressed by this bastard, who claims to rule us lest, his unhinged cackling lets loose a crackling explosion that devastates us all. Let’s lead him to the fall. Let us show him what we all think, of his perverted dreams. His unclean themes of ignorance and tithing. We’ll have him writhing, broken in our hands. We will shatter each of his plans, devour his sickness with a purifying flame! We will reclaim! We will reclaim! We will reclaim!”

And reclaim they did.

The glory fell into hell, and did dwell there for a time.

His echoes silent, and his violent turns of rime and reason swayed. But under the shroud laid, lay a secret shame. Their requiem of reclaim had brought down an evil infame, and cast his train off the rails of ruling regally. His reign arrested illegally and his person put under the power of the mob. Rob, steal, rape and pillage, this man’s wronged the village! He’s been no better than a tyrant! No crueller than a itinerant typhoon of injustice! Lest we wrest this evil rooted deep, and havoc we shall wreak! Our rights are ours to use and to abuse, and to refuse the begging pleading of his mother, and his brother, and his daughter! No good may come from this father, husband to evil! He wronged our people! The flames of resistance and the embers of persistent lashing whips of vengeance in the sky! He will not die, we will kill his soul, and kill his whole existence! His bitter wishes have been denied!

The King has been dethroned.

Judge 1

The summary of the review is that while your vocabulary and language is quite strong in portraying imagery, the story has little flow or clarity of character in it. Given the challenge was to define a paragon being broken, there did not appear to be a paragon in the story nor was it abundantly clear who the narrator was. My guess would be it's the leader of the mob who was the paragon broken, as the dethroning turned violent but much of it is left to guesswork.

Furthermore the number of short sentences you have for non-action sequences make it rather staccato to read; in my experience lots of short sentences are used to crank up the energy of a piece and make the reader feel hurried. Having it on this piece, which is essentially a monologue, further confuses the point because there is no climax or real action in the piece. I felt as if I was hurried through the story with little reason for reading at a frenetic pace.

The last point I'd make is the lack of introduction in this story. You never set the grounds nor established characters, which while it can be an interesting tool with some stories, for this one it made me feel disconnected from the story. I had nothing to tie my allegiance to, so I ended up reading the story as opposed to experiencing it. You need to invest the reader in your story early so while they read the piece they experience all the emotions that your story has to offer.

If I had to put it in a sentence; whilst it's a nice piece of writing it doesn't feel like a standalone story.

Judge 2

Excellent imagery and internal rhyming. Overall a very powerful story in terms of evoking fantasy, a painting of words. However, the question that remains is does the story in itself, satisfy the objectives of the challenge? There is an overall vagueness as to who or what is being told, which point of view is being taken, it is not clear where the story transitions between two different speakers, or if indeed there is an identity crisis going on. Are there two characters speaking or one long monologue? Who is the central figure, the Paragon as required by the challenge to be broken? This is hazy and leaves the reader at a loss to pick up on who is who. It is hard to follow especially without a discrete introduction or rising action that isn't passively stated.

Furthermore, the challenge states "then you must destroy them, until they lose self-worth." Has the story done so? In a sense, yes, in another sense no. The first part of the requirement is fulfilled, the King (assuming he is the paragon) is presumably disposed of but the lack of a true resolution makes it difficult to ascertain this. The second part of the requirement however, is left untouched. Does the King lose his own self-worth? Has he been humbled and comes to the realization that he is nothing? The crowd does certainly, being whipped into a frenzy of mob mentality, but does the Paragon come to this epiphany himself? Or does he still believe he was/is a just and noble ruler being done an injustice? One line does suggest the King comes this: But under the shroud laid, lay a secret shame. Yet this theme is not expanded on as the mob morality takes over from this point forward and the nameless king is overshadowed by his deeds, rather than his character which had been built up very nicely at the beginning.

With that said, there is a partial investment and connection to be made in the story, but it falls just short at the end of giving a lasting impression. For all the build up and wonderful imagery, it is a painting of a stranger: beautiful to look at, but harbors no connection between audience and subject.

SALIGIA: The 7 Sins, An Introduction and Rules

SALIGIA: The 7 Sins

Introduction: The Twelve Labours was an alternative contest to RPGC, run concurrently with their own contests. Each TTL challenge lasted for exactly twelve days, with a judging period of three days. Rather than voting for just one winner, any submitted entry which met the basic criteria of the challenge while holding to a certain standard of quality expected of good storytelling wins. However, while the RPGC is still running, The Twelve Labours is no longer running, There shall be a new contest series running concurrently for a more directed approach towards writing, in the style of the Twelve Labours. Hence was born The Seven Sins.

The Premise: The Seven Sins, like its predecessor, aims to give a prompt to which writers can respond to as they so wish, a challenge of sorts to demonstrate ingenuity in the face of adversity. Whether it is a comfort to reside in the heavens serving the same modus, or will it be ever more glorious to peer into the inferno to see the temptation there? That is for the writer to see which is the better path. Each challenge will attempt to present writers with the opportunity to pursue something that answers that burning question. However, The Seven Sins is more so about exploration of ideas and self-improvement, with victory secondary to earning the respect of one's peers.

The Rules:

• 0. Be Fonz cool.
• 1. If you want to submit a review for any submitted stories, that is fine. Make sure to keep it constructive, and to follow all site rules. However, keep any inevitable conflicts private.
• 2. You may make an appeal if you feel your submission deserves to have won, but failed to be recognized. Please exercise some courtesy, and please do not make more than one appeal. Similarly, do not spam the discussion forum (or anywhere else) with innumerable complaints about who did or did not win.
• 3. All entries must be submitted by the deadline. No after-the-fact submissions, even during the judging period. Please bear in mind to be fair to all participants, there will be no deadline extensions whatsoever.
• 4. If you are not caught, Plagiarism will be rewarded with unearned merit. If you are caught, you will be banned from all future contests, and a general notice of your Plagiarism will be sent to the RPGC staff, as well as the forum moderators, and posted in both the Writing Contest Discussion and Roleplaying Discussion subforums.
• 5. All submissions should be stories which were written specifically for each contest at hand. Entries which are reposted from other contests will be tossed out without review or appeal. Each should be written for the sole purpose of this contest, or at the very least drafted within the competition time window.
• 6. All characters used in your submissions should be of your own devising and creation. You cannot use characters that are not yours. If your submission is based in a franchise setting you may only infer the presence and activities of canonical characters.
• 7. All standard and additional guild rules apply.

How to Join: There is no formal requirement whatsoever to join a any of T7S challenge. If you want to submit an entry, just send it to @The Grey Dust before the relevant submission deadline, and remember to include a statement as to whether or not you want the story to remain anonymous. Stories will not be posted with authorship without the explicit permission of the author.

How to Win: Simply fulfill the criteria of the challenges while writing an entry of high overall quality! Each challenge will have a certain set of requirements to be met. Regardless of whether you win or not, there will provide a basic review of your work during the judging period from a panel of mystery anonymous judges. Additionally, submissions may also be voted on by the community for their favourite entry to be given the community accolade.

Prizes: I will be working with contestants, as well as the forum staff, to see if there is a way to provide rewards to winners of each challenge. However, for now, only Recognition will be given in merit. However, these rewards are retroactive, therefore if and when prizes are awarded, they will be given to past winners. Traditionally prizes come in the form of unique forum titles and profile trophies will likely soon be made available to contest winners, both for RPGC and The Twelve Labours.

Get Involved: Competitions usually have a staff of formal judges who review submitted stories, handle appeals, and write reviews for each story. . But that does not mean your opinion does not matter! Feel free to post your thoughts on the pieces, but please remember, be nice to your fellow devils. Also, formal judges cannot enter the competitions under any circumstances obviously, or reveal their identities until after the final tally, to avoid all sorts of fiendish pacts and deals that would condemn your soul. However, If you wish to be a formal judge, you may step up and inquire @The Grey Dust, and if you wish to no longer be a formal judge, you may step down at will by notifying @The Grey Dust.

🦄 Duplicity - D&D Style Fantasy Rp Adventure (Completed)

Thomas Richard Harrison

Location: The Crossed Swords, Chilly Morning.
Interacting with: No one in particular yet.

Into falling Night,
Darkness closing soon,
Cosmos burning Bright
Waxing of the Moon,
And as the Hours wane,
Stars return again.

Such Visions in Sight,
What Fate sleeps on high,
Fear Prophecy's Might,
And maybe ask why,
And as the Hours pass,
Does the silence Last?

Rise shattered Twilight,
With Dawn the Day breaks,
Morning comes first Light,
Sun itself Awakes,
And as the Hour ticks,
What is broken: Fix.

The morning hours were rather chilling, a cold stiffness to awakening. Thomas had woken to redress himself, breaking meditation cycles for a moment to find check the presence of light. A good astrologist keeps his eyes to the sky, although with his broken timekeeper, it was difficult to keep track of the celestial movements. A broken magical device, practically useless even with his attempts to fix the clockwork mechanisms, what spare hours he had with Master Wolfgang probably lead to further deterioration of the machine. Supposedly it was a tool to chart every celestial object, a relic from Wolfgang's adventuring days taken from an observatory of a heretical cultist. It used to project all the stars in the sky to where they ought to be, attuning itself to every plane of existence all at once. And yet, its workings were beyond Thomas though some mechanic might have better luck. An artificer maybe.

Still with a few casts of his void spell, roughly five for the day, the young sorcerer felt satisfied with his preparation. It was strange really, he expected them to have at least one minor encounter in the night. He was certain they were due for some company, but perhaps, just perhaps, the dark stars smiled upon them and sent not misfortune upon their own kin. Maybe it was their dwindling party size, perhaps Ntaj was taken already, oh poor Ntaj. Thomas had hoped the orcish fellow was well, but it didn't seem he returned. From the large party of seven or eight, they had systematically been reduced, everyone disappearing and Thomas just barely knew them. Ntaj was a bit different though, he tried to make an effort to get to know the orcblood. Then again Thomas had no real reason to stay on save for perhaps doing right by Sana and redeeming himself in her eyes. If that was even possible given Kyra and Keystone and Sana seemed to be conjoined at the hip, natural party leaders who were the... Keystone pieces to hold the rag-tag crew together.

That, and the mystery of an unknown necromancer was always interesting. Who knows, if they weren't too busy trying to kill each other, maybe Thomas could take some notes and learn a thing or two about raising armies of zombies and skeletons. Purely for research of course. Well either way, it was about time to greet the morning, despite however cold and brisk it may be. Stretching out at the foot of his bed and collecting his things, Thomas ventured into the tavern area to see who was up, the dwarf, Hush-hush Kyra, Satilla. Yep, no Ntaj. With a sad sigh the boy slunked over to a chair and opened up his spellbook, reviewing the basics to sensing the nature of magic. Next time he may be of more use, and could perhaps even locate the source of the necromancy if he focused and attuned his magical senses rather than using his eyes. And he'd need to do so, given the backdraw of void spells meant temporary blindness.

RPGC#14: Reality! Voting and Discussion

@Blitz

No no my friend, thank you for giving me something to read.

Hopefully, despite my claim to "dismal reviews" you found my judgment fair and constructive?
If not please feel free to correct me, as these are after all merely opinions I have when reading.
And don't be too disappointed, Every story after all, was good, none were flat out things I'd rip apart easily.
So I'd hope I could focus in on an aspect I thought could use some work or expanding, some narrative feedback if you will.

And don't worry Writer's block happens to all of us. It just takes awhile to think of something. And even longer to find the motivation to write it out. So please don't take out of it any misconception that anyone failed to meet my standards, no all of the submitters did indeed impress me with their ideas and work. Just take my worthless two cents or leave it, I'm just one person with my ideas, so nothing is more important than find your own inspiration for a story to call your own. But either way, be proud of what you've made. It's good, but remember that you aren't alone in being good, and that everyone always strives for better :)

I look forward to your next anonymous submission. Although it was pretty clear who wrote what after reading your review and having omitted yourself from a critique (yes I read what others have to say too, it's good practice to know what others think of the stories you read). And let's see if I can pick up on the nuances of your writing style so the next time.

RPGC#14: Reality! Voting and Discussion

The Grey Dust Unofficial Dismal Reviews.

Latum Alterum

Good narrative all around. Certainly a limbo-esque feel to things which fits the theme to an extent. However, I feel there is something lacking. Perhaps it is the style here where we are just as lost as Theo is, but I think there's something more than that. There is no emotional connection per say to the character here for me as a reader, that is to say, I find myself like Jec, suddenly meeting Theo for the first time. As such, for being the central character in the story, The lack of emotional investment makes the ending to this piece flat.

I feel if the writer had given me more about Theo, perhaps something in the scenery to trigger some reaction from the character outside of "I'm lost, where am I, can you help me?" might reveal a more rounded character. There is a feeling that we are supposed to get that from the three entities he encountered, but perhaps it isn't deep enough. There nothing gained from it, because there was no reason for us to connect to it. In short, while there are beautiful crystals all around, describing the settings vividly to pull the readers into the fantasy world, The story doesn't seem to provide a treasure to take away for the reader at the end of it all.

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

Alternate Dimension

Now I may be a stickler for poetry, but I had to read this poem five times to make sure I can review it proper. Now as for thematically appropriate, yes it works, it does fit the theme of Reality by exploring the fabled "mirror world." The narrative works in a way, slowly progressing towards the insanity, step by step until the end. We are invited by the narrator to consider something, but not until the end is the narrator actually revealed to be truly deeply mad. Of which is a nice technique to build the layers of the narrative. Its good, and foreseeable, but leaves you with a satisfaction of knowing that the little voice in the back of your head saying this narrator is crazy was right.

Now for the technical aspects of the poem, where I must dock a few points here, is that some of the lines feel forced and arrhythmic. Yes, it is a free verse poem, and yet you added inconsistent rhyme to your meterless stanzas. I'd say that's bit of a sin. If the rhymes were intended to exist, then it does lend a pseudo-beat to your verses, naturally wanting to make those end lines rhyme with the nearest slant/true rhyme. However, that structure fails in the second half of the poem and gets lost, which ether is a brilliant move on your part as a writer to imply the poem itself unravels like the narrator's mind, only to be picked back up on the other side of mirror to an extent. Or alternatively, a writer giving up on the rhyming idea all together and making incidental rhymes.

My one qualm is saying the mirror read 13:30. Now, I may be wrong here, but it certainly feels like a "forced" rhyme here, with 'dirty'. Why? well because if you think about it, there are 2 sorts of clocks you can have to cast a reflection on a mirror. There's an analog clock, with hands that would be positioned at hour 1 and minute 30, unmistakably so. Or, since you wrote out 13:30 numerically, I thought of a digital clock. So 13:30 in the mirror would actually read OE:EI or something of that nature. There is a sense to me at least that the immersion is broken here, see it pulls us in to consider the opposites in the mirror, yet the one constant is the Time which just seems to break that beautiful duality within the very same stanza. If you had reversed it, I think it would have been much more powerful in lieu of using 13:30 as a part of a rhyme for dirty.

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

The Unknown Heroes

A good story within a story. Fits the theme of reality, by rewriting it. But glossed over in a sense which left me wanting as a reader. You've done a great job at setting things up, and it feels as though there is a lore outside this one little bit the reader either ought to know, or is implied should know, or is revealed by the interactions. So the bard is both character and narrator to it all, guiding both the audience in the story, as well as the actual audience of readers with the world the bard has created.

Although admitted, I saw that ending coming about a mile away. There is a bit of a deus ex with time travel, which is required to make it work, however this will open up another can of worms in arguing the linearity of time, grandfather paradoxes, alternate timelines and all sorts of metaphysics and theory. My main question is since the it was the warrior who went, and not the bard, why would both remember what happened? It suggests the same time line is continued within a given radius to allow two and only two people in all the world to remember their adventure, yet is one of them the same person, would they have ever met each other? Time travel is weird like that.

Anyways all in all a good story, but what I felt was lacking honesty the bard's performance. Yes, on one hand it is great he is recounting his personal tale as a fable. But on the other hand, shouldn't a bard be more descriptive? Shouldn't the amaze and wow his audience? Just saying flatly They ventured for X and found Y then did Z seems a bit off for a bard to do. Crucial points perhaps I would have like to seen expanded, what happened between X and Y. Or how did Z happen? "And Beowulf reigned as king for 20 years" sort of a jarring page turner, like we are investing ourselves into your story, but then suddenly we get an abridge version of how the Warrior and Bard adventured, it must have not been a very memorable adventure then.

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

Shattered Realities

Well this was an awkward piece. Does it fit the theme of reality ? I'd say so. Stories within stories within possible stories within possible stories. The first parts seemed to be a rather interesting introduction to the main story first. However given what happened in the Morpheus project, it may very well be that the first few paragraphs are actually being written by the man who may or may not be dead.

There are multiple ways of interpreting the collection and that is left up to the reader to decide on what is exactly going on. And I can't quite say anything on this ambiguity. I did enjoy the commentary on the nature of reality, fiction, and story, but when it comes down to it, I have to create the story myself. Which gives this story a bit of bias in my opinion since it is as the author may have intended, a story which invites the reader to work with the writer in a story that breaks the 4th wall.

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

The Six Truths

A supernatural western told in six parts. One bullet for every chapter. The ending here I saw coming, but enjoyed it all the same. You've structured the foreshadowing very well it means. That or I'm really good at understanding plot devices. Either way, you've told me a tale of twisted fantasy which fits the theme of a warped reality. It works, there's closure, there's a poetic sense of justice and injustice. You've written the cult-vibe very well to portray the supernatural. I appreciate the allegory running through, I'm a sucker for thematics, imagery and allegory.

So I can offer very little in terms of commentary myself. Perhaps some formatting but it is dialogue heavy, but I did notice you weren't above compacting some of the spoken lines into a block of text, so perhaps I'd like to feel more than just a one-liner-one-liner call and response dialogue to ease the eyes from what otherwise was a good dip into a character's warped perception. My one remaining question is of course, why didn't Adrian look in a mirror?

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

In-Between-Box

Well, let's get the mention of this piece being unfinished out of the way. Yes it is unfinished, but my point don't really count for anything anyways, at least not currently so why not give some impressions of what is written so far?

Well done on understanding emotional investment to a character. While it is hard to get a clear understand who or what or why Lachlan is Lachlan, but the charm of the written accents, a bit more about his history even the mention of his family and Danny, leave me wanting to know more. And perhaps because it is an unfinished piece, there is a promise to know more, although it doesn't come in what is presented thus far. Descriptively executed very well, although admittedly I did tire of the accent half-way through, but I got lazy with reading in an accent so that is on me rather than the writer.

A good start to something, but overall I'm not sure if I can consider a piece that is clearly unfinished to be equal to a piece that is finished. There is an unfairness about treating an unfinished piece as such, because there is a potential for more to be written, a promise of things to come, which we can look forward to one day in time. However, I have to draw the parallel between this piece and Latum which tells a similar narrative about a boy who finds himself in a strange place. And since I find there is a parallel between the stories, I'd say its unfair for me to consider an unfinished piece to be judged against finished pieces when including Latum. I hope you understand my rationale, but then again my points don't count for anything anyways so not much harm should be done here.

And from one writer to another, that is my critique.

So when all is said and done,
And reading what they've wrote,
All stories where truly fun,
But only one may get my vote.

My @vote goes to The Six Truths.
Complete and well-written, befitting the theme, foreshadowed and unveiled, an ending I saw coming but enjoyed anyways.

🦄 Duplicity - D&D Style Fantasy Rp Adventure (Completed)

Thomas Richard Harrison

Location: The Crossed Swords.
Interacting with: Satilla

"Uh... That's good to hear Satilla. And I guess." Thomas was uncertain if Satilla was just supporting Kyra, or thinking the odds were perpetually against them. That being said Thomas had no will to fight it anymore, it seems like the party would rather just all shut up about the fact that this town might just another night visitor they barely overcame. And that was because the necromancer or whatever it was voluntarily left. What if this time, they had decided not to? They would be ill prepared for a full on invasion, being three people down last Thomas counted. And His friend Ntaj was nowhere to be seen, which was a bit more concerning, as the orcish warrior either left or worse. Well they could always find a resurrection mage and bring back the dead, if the dead was willing to come back. Plus the price of a resurrection these days are a tad much. You never are really the same person either once you've been dead.

"Right. Okay. Uh... Have a good night then." Friendship. Well that was a good start right? At least Thomas knows they are friends now. Or at least Satilla considers the rather inept boy her friend. Waving at the healer as she bade her goodbye with some last tidbit of advice, casting foul suspicion at the poor dwarf who, just wanted to cut some hair. Although a hairdresser would have plenty of sharp objects to stab them all with from behind. Maybe the dwarf was an assassin sent to cut out everyone's tongues. No that's a silly thought, you couldn't possibly imagine a dwarf assassin, a portly stout bearded fellow in a black hooded cloak armed with a dagger? Aren't dwarves a little vertically challenged? Nevermind that Thomas, you should get back to meditation.

So leaving the table as well being the last out, hardly touching the remaining food but scant for a quick snack. Thomas returned to his shared rooms, setting his belongings in the chest and casting off his red robes to air himself out. It wasn't a particular active day, but it was good to get a chance to get to feel the air on bare skin. He could have a bath drawn perhaps, the soap was there, and it had been a few days since they took to water. Perhaps in the morning, a cold dunk to awaken the senses and refresh the mind. For now, it was back into the lull of meditation, meditation which would sooner or later nod off into sleep.

Darkness that binds us,
Ebon Night that entwines thus,
Black fog that blinds trust.