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Okay, let's get to it! The picture change is nice, I appreciate it especially after the huuuuge change in obvious faceclaim to just a generally much nicer aesthetic image. Now that's out of the way, and also because it's midnight, I haven't slept in a while, and in general the whole way you handled this was poor, I'm going on a deeper analysis of why I don't like your character and you need to start over. It's a simple case of trying to shove all this shit into a suitcase and realizing "fuck, wow, none of this shit will fit" and taking everything out and organizing it so shit will fit.

To begin with, you bringing my attention to the fact you edited your sheet is like, a sort of shorthand for saying, "my character is finished, please give it a once over and determine whether or not I can be accepted in this rp." And I did look at your character from the time you first posted it ten hours ago, and I gave it a look over and found problems that I couldn't put down due to being on mobile so I put it on the back of my head. I came over several times afterwards in the middle of creating my own character, to see that you had and were continuously updating and changing what I'd assumed was already a finished fleshed out character. I'm not saying this is a problem per se, to edit your character, but it's a problem if you've sort of implied that they were done being edited with.

Not only that, however, but the way you edited your character without waiting for a 'go' from me at any point during your process has not only failed to prevent unacceptable content from appearing in your sheet, but has also continued to pile it on. Your continuous editing without waiting for a word in from me has not helped you in creating a decent character sheet-- if you read my last dissertation on The One's sheet and tried to learn from that, that's great!!!!! I approve learning from others' mistakes!!! But if all you read from that was, "Oh, he mentioned not having enough words" and decided to continue to add more words and look past all the other crap I vomited about BEING OP, then you are not learning from others' mistakes, you are simply twisting it in hopes I'll overlook it for you.

So, then, wherein lie the problem? If you have not realized yet, your original post in the first page is still the same one that you said was the edited version ten hours ago on this second page, and in comparing them, anyone can see that you gave your CS the sheet equivalent of a boobjob. A pimp my ride version of character sheets, except I am looking at all these hardcore attachments that just don't need to be there and I don't know where to start. First, you aged her down(though that was a more recent edit, given it wasn't that way thirty minutes ago), which wouldn't necessarily be a problem, but you somehow thought this was okay after giving her literally an arsenal of skills and talents not even an anime protagonist would have two episodes into a series unless that series was sao which everyone agrees is awful.

Your ability is confusing and can be worded a bit differently, but I didn't mention that earlier and I take fault in that, especially since it is one of the few things to remain unchanged. The one thing that needed changing and you didn't, and I'm sorry it took me only now instead of sooner to bring it up. That was my fault.
Her physical strength barely indicates what she can or cannot do. From the mess that is the abilities section I gather that her strength is partially reliant to her ability, but then you don't explain what she is physical-wise without the Ability. You say she is fast and strong, but is that because of her power, or something she has developed?
I don't know why you changed her childish mental state into a tough bitch because that was one unique trait that I was willing to pass off for her. Her having been childish fit in with the "weak" image she was trying to portray but now, the way you forced the tough bitchiness on loses the little yandere vibe you had earlier and barely fits in with the rest of the forced puzzle pieces you were trying to put together. (also wtf how does she lov logic but not lov math like,, , ,, ??? ?? ? ?? math is the most universal thing along w music, which btw,, , , is also math ., , ,, , )
The topic of drastically changing her mental age being confusing plays in to the weakness section because a childish girl who was just like "Lalala" turning into wild blood bitch is a sick image, but a girl who's cold and calculative turning sadistic is sort of just a disappointing, "well, okay."
The Restrained portion has me miffed probably because I offered you a great idea and you took it-- but only sort of. Coughing up blood while harming someone isn't a bad enough repurcussion-- my earlier suggestion of literally vomiting blood while using the power at all is not only hilarious if she uses the ability in serious situations, but also serves as a humanizing point that will help others this literal mary-sue is somewhat human and will die if they use their power too much because holy FUck she is vomiting blood. You tried to make it your own, though, but you tried weakly. Put your strength in the important things and not the small stuff like the other section(which, don't worry, I will get to.)
The background didn't change which sucks because it needed a revamping. You can't tell a half assed angst story like that and expect me and others to just be like "well, okay!!! sounds good!" If she was such a tough bitch and, good looking to boot, why was she such bully fodder?

Now we get to the main part of the problem and holy fUCK i've spent a number of characters on you, I condensed that shit above and if you want a more in depth analysis feel free to message me. But the bulk of my problem lies in literally the two kind of unimportant sections of any character sheet which you somehow decided was the focal point of the piece. The interests and the Other section got the most tit in the titjob metaphor I mentioned earlier on because holy cow did they make a big change. And the thing is, in the times I've seen you editing your profile, it was only for these two ones you kept returning to-- which again, why? Your bio still needed work? You have "blah blah" in there, I kinda thought that meant you were gonna edit it??

Only because it is almost 1am and I spent forty minutes writing this in a half-asleep stupor, I am gonna boil the last part down into main points. First of all, have you ever heard of a Mary Sue? I'm just realizing this now, is this actually a deep prank to make me go on a huge rant and have ryo run into this and think I'm fucking insane for going off? Am I being punked? Because oh my God your character which was at the "chuuni" level earlier on just nosedove into mary-sue territory. Short break, I just refreshed the page again and you added the sunshine and gumdrops in-- but why, what was the point---

Back to the broadcast, here is a list of additional specialties you have given this now 17yo girl- violin prodigy, mastery in poison, gun expert, dog whisperer, disowned adopted orphan(and this is just me pulling it out of my ass because I still don't know was she adopted, did family just take her in I don't know). Basically, look at this list here. Realistically, do you think a seventeen year old would have all of these abilities? Just a normal seventeen year old, no powers. And if you think, realistically, that a normal seventeen year old girl with those special set of skills does exist, then that poses this question: with all those things tucked under her belt plus the weird blood power thing, what the fuck is she doing in a school? How is she not harley quinning her ass through the cities and causing terror because apparently she is more than capable to do so?

my eyes r gettin weird i cant continue this but pm me 2morro after school n work n we'll discuss u scrappin this character entirely (whcih sucks bc i bet u worked mad hard on her, but also no it doesn't suck bc this character is awful and the only development we'll get out of her is nothing) and makin a new one which will hopefully b less of a mary-sue

god i hope im not bein punked

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Name:


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Interests:


Other:

BEAR TRAPS