Teh-heh. I’m happy you enjoyed it. And yes, with time, nature will recover. The rather long winter needs to end first, but yes.

I dunno about originality, two other entries also went the fantasy route, heh. Anyways. I’m really happy you think so. That middle paragraph there is a wonder for me to read. Thank you!

*googles what “oscillate” means*

Teh-heh. An army of fairies cleaning up mankind’s mess is an amusing way to put it. I’m happy the characters came across as I wanted them to, that’s like, wonderful. I did some research into ancient germanic names for their names, that’s the origin of fairies, right? … Then I just took some liberties to make the names shorter and fairy-like, because those ancient germanic names are usually long and unpronounceable. XD … And yupp. Fairy-lore is nice. I regret I didn’t have much time to do further research into the subject, I had to go from the things I already knew from other medias.

And… yeah, that was a Deus Ex Machina. I had the problem that I had no idea how to make my fairies actually win against the machines. I really wanted to come up with a sensible way for them to win, but the problem was that any method they’d use the machines would be able to counter with intelligence and redundancy, not to mention the established cold iron shrapnel bombs made a direct attack at the machines suicidal. I had written myself into a bit of a corner there. Had to turn to some good old game-winning magic there. That said, as you noted, I ensured that despite receiving the Deus Ex Machina, they still had to work to employ it. I’m happy I wrote that well enough to give a satisfactory ending.

Thank you so very much!

I’m having trouble seeing the difference between flying into a great machine and working on destroying it and flying into a robot. Anyway, I wanted to showcase the three of them talking somehow, so discussing how to sabotage a factory felt reasonable, heh. But, noted.

I am aware I occasionally use too many commas. I’m working on it. I just need to format the sentences in such a way that fewer commas are needed. That said, I do like my paragraph more than I like the example one you gave, too many dots like that for sentences that are interconnected feels like it interrupts the flow. I do know it’s a problem, but I’ll see how I handle it.

I kind of imagined that mythical races were kept alive by unnatural stuff and didn’t need to worry about radiation. As long as it wasn’t their explicit weakness, they’d be fine, hah. I do admit there might have been a better way to write in other races, but oh, well. And… they had thought of attacking the central servers, but they could never attack enough of them at the same time to do lasting damage. Constant back-ups. The fairies also don’t actually know how a server looks, they couldn’t identify the controller when they found it until Bui got his upgrade. They just mainly tried to break everything.

Anyways. I’m happy you found it entertaining. Heh, how many other works of mine have you read, I wonder? How long have you been here that I don’t currently remember? Oh, well, anyways. Thank you for the review~

CONGRATULATIONS TO @SILVER, WINNER OF RPGC #19 WITH HIS ENTRY, BATTEN VALLEY

My goodness, I think that's a bit more pomp than I merit, but thank you all the same!

No but seriously @Silver, nice job. Loved your entry.

I better see you around for the next go at this.

Thanks so much! If I could vote for your story again, I would.

In a heartbeat.

Looking forward to our next challenge!

You know, writing in second person is so difficult, and I CANNOT BELIEVE I SLIPPED BACK INTO FIRST.

Lol. Thanks for catching that.

Act 1: Into The Dumps

It’s small and often irrelevant. The given titles rarely even mean anything. Only a few times do they actively do so much at once. 1. Hints at the main location. 2. Hints at the obstacle in the main character/focus character’s way 3. Even fits the mood of the piece. Though a more literal title, it also could be improved by using “Graveyard”, because it’s more accurate to the overall plot. People are sent here to die. It’s more snappy. More dark. It fits the tone better. And it would have made the closing line, more poignant. Yes. This is really happening. Paragraphs of analyze for three measly words. You can do better.

His left eye opened, regaining consciousness underneath maroon gassy masses floating a hundred meters upward.

The very first line asks the question of “Why did only one eye open when he regained consciousness?” Is the character doing that purposely? No, you don’t really think about that when you regain consciousness, so it’s more likely the character has no right eye. Or cannot open it from damage/injury. Is that what knocked him out cold in the first place?

And where from? Though from the title provided, and the fantastical idea of “A maroon mass of gas” floating a mere hundred meters above. The likelihood of him looking at the sky, is very unlikely. Since clouds tend to be 6000 meters above the ground. Overall, it’s a well crafted sentence that has me thinking a dozen different things. But I don’t have to wait long to get fed more answers.

Their artificial glow provided dim, albeit sufficient lighting needed to scan his surroundings, not that the place required assistance in tinting its landscape bloody.

Well “their” can only be describing the “masses of gas”. So now they glow and provide a light source, which helps me go with “Why is it there in the first place?” for now. And we show the character is curious/questioning his surroundings, likely because he doesn’t know where he is. I mean if it was his/your bedroom, do you wake up and first look at everything surrounding you?

Two immediate thoughts should be running through the reader’s head. One is answered. One doesn’t work. One is “Why is the vocabulary/description so mechanical sounding?” It's a lot of big and complicated words used all throughout the story. Does that make sense, or do you like big words? Like there’s not a single doubt in my mind, the things in the sky are artificial clouds. So why not just put clouds? Because it fits the main character, which will soon be hinted at and basically foreshadowed in oblivion.

The thing that doesn’t work is thankfully a little smaller. The sentence “Not that the place required assistance in...” bit. I get the intention. It’s sarcasm/playful description. Possibly showing that the MC isn’t exactly a “robot” (being the prompt and everything.) The whole story is so bleak and dark, that it adds a kind of levity to the sentence. It would also be a clever way to highlight the color of the glow. But you ruined that by mentioning Maroon already. And it’s too long and unnecessary when you’re trying to also dramatize the moment. Cut it, and leave.

Their artificial glow provided dim, albeit sufficient lighting needed to scan his surroundings, its landscape tinted bloody.

He remembered three things surviving his plummet into the darkness and then smashing his head into the amalgamation of cold metal and warm corpses, as he tumbled like a rag doll to the bottom.

This should make anyone reading be very fearful. And not because it's clear that the story foreshadowing horror elements. The amnesiac character trope is the most tired and often laziest mechanic used in storytelling. It gives an excuse for the writer to make a character (whether just introduced or previously established) to act wildly inconsistent. It’s also the laziest way to introduce mystery into your story. So 1. There better be a damn good reason for this. (And we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.) 2. I better not feel like that’s what the writer is doing. (See previous.)

But onto the sentence. Its fine. Good (horrifying) visual presentation of location. More hinting at the type of character that can survive a plummet and tumble into metal, smashing your head. (Also giving us the answer of what he regained consciousness from...)

But it also hints that the character has the sense to feel cold/hot. Possibly a firmer grasp of what’s living and what’s dead. Since he can’t just say “cloud”. But does know what a corpse is and a rag doll. Which also implies his anatomy is similar to a human’s. (Most characters in stories tend to be bipedal creatures, but it’s nice to have quick confirmation.) Though mentioning the darkness aside from atmosphere, it also can imply that the maroon glowly clouds aren’t always on, or were not there before. Because it sounds like he fell from quite a height, ‘plummeting’ doesn’t tend to be brief distances.

The first was those contraptions had shoved him into this hellhole and his second was his immediate desire to leave.

Good. Gives the reader the character’s understandable and immediate motivation. Being in a hellhole filled with bloody dead bodies, would make me want to leave to. Answers “What caused him to plummet.” Then raising a new question, “What is a contraption?” But because I cheated and know the prompt is about ‘The Metal Age’, assuming this is ‘The Walking Dead’ style of not calling them what they are, because they didn’t exist in this fictional universe. Robots. And pays off the three things he remembered. Leaving the third thing, hopefully a worthy payoff/twist if it’s going to be left unsaid.

Attempting to stand himself up and instead keeling over onto his stomach with a clang and a splash. Drenching his forehead in a thick sticky substance pooled beneath, hearing the sound of subtle dripping coming from above.

Many questions hit me at this moment. One thing is so subtle that I find it could be a very clever foreshadowing/hinting. (if it was entirely planned out beforehand, but it isn’t. Don’t tell me I said that.)

So, obviously the character is injured/stuck in some way. Unsurprising. Also I question if mentioning a “thick sticky substance” is necessary. (Yes, it actually fits the character we’re following.) Blood has been at least indirectly implied but that was more background detail. Also it could be implying it’s a mix of multiple things. That or it’s described as a feeling, because the character isn’t actually looking at it. And now we know the character can also hear. So it works.

So the splash sounds makes sense, character fell in a puddle after all. But that “clang” is quite an interesting word choice. Yes, we were told there’s metal there. So maybe he fell on the metal. But would that really let out a clanging sound, if a human lets say just fell over on a surface obviously flat enough for a puddle to form? Hmm...

Something was wrong with his right foot, flipping on that side and staring up at the long spike sticking up straight, and the lifeless body impaled their upper torso with liquid pouring from their once shrieking mouth. But she looked different from the scrap piles with several fleshy anatomically proportioned limbs, clothed and unmangled.

More very mechanical and complicated description. (But it’s pretty clear that it’s for a reason.) Two things to note. “Their once shrieking mouths” certainly leaves an interesting visual for a facial expression. My question is why make the random character a “She”? It feels a little cheap for shock factor, if effective. (Why else would every YA book have a female MC after all.) The only details given, thankfully keep it dignified/horrified. So now, if the place wasn’t hellish enough. The unique bit of this corpse is that it actually is anatomically correct. Jebus. That also makes me assume that perhaps they were pushed down here while they were still alive too. So how did everything else get there? (and why?)

His attention changing to a pierced plated piece pinning his foot, clenching his lower leg and pulling — it out with all his might — wasn’t plausible.

Alliteration. Can also almost hear the strain as the MC is pulling...

Glancing at the large cleaver within his fingers grasp as he stretched out his hand, struggling to grip the handle before picking it up while the sky released a demonic growl.

Going full Saw already are we? (My future expectation would be that I don’t want the story to do its most graphic/interesting first, only to never do anything like it again...so if the story finished. I’d expect more of it. And I would of gotten it, in spades. But I didn’t finish it, for good reason.)

Not hesitating for even a moment, he concentrated and raised the blade high and swung hard — one chop had severed the affected extremity.

Here’s the watershed moment, that even if I was a blind, deaf, drunken spastic. There’s not a doubt in my mind that something about this character is inhuman. Not only how this action is carried out. But why the hell would the writer word it as “the affected extremity” and not “HOLY SHIT, I CHOPPED OFF MY FUCKING FOOT!” So either the writer straight up doesn’t know how to write theme, what foreshadowing is, or use word choice properly. If that isn’t the case, it's blatantly obvious the MC is not human, or at least certainly not normal.

Wait, why wasn’t I screaming like everyone else?

Good question. (But, despite the ‘subtle’ foreshadowing that I’ll imagine is still passed over, it actually is still setting up. So just knowing almost right away that the MC isn’t normal, actually is NOT all that there is...which would have been a nice reveal when it finally came up.)

A bright flash of light flooded the area, highlighting the vast scale of skewered and broken bodies that had been similarly discarded. Followed by an intense boom and sparking a thousand pairs of glowing crimson lights appear from the wreckage as the graveyard of the soulless regained sentience.

*appearing

It’s a little provocative in its writing.

He watched arms and legs spouting from throughout the grounds and walls continuously. The clamoring of scraping metal and whistling steam was ceaseless, as a discharged projectile struck with another powerful roar that streaked down from the mass in his sight. Whatever shrouded these skies were creating the loud noises...

A little generic in terms of writing and quite cliched. And another reason the title should have been graveyard. Though the character lacking knowledge of something that this point the reader has already interpreted still needs to paid off.

He noticed many of these strange beings held up by tall metallic pikes, shared an aesthetic uniformity. Each holding various, hardly visible numbers etched on the middle of their foreheads.

These lines just don’t work. (I’d even say it’s just big words for the sake of big words. Even considering the character’s origin.) The larger words really aren’t explaining anything well and the vagueness of it seems off since its the character noticing details. The robot the MC is looking at has numbers stamped on his forehead like all the others, like he was made in an assembly line. But “uniformity” doesn’t actually work here. If this would be described this way, it should be “Similarity”. Since the numbers display the order of creation and we would later find out the character “Owho” was screwed up etching for 0340.

Their entire framework began to sway and dance in a singular repetitive motion like marionettes compelled by a twisted higher power. Machines letting out low pitched buzzing that seemed to be beckoning him to remain put. Seeing this triggered a memory inside his obscured mind presenting temporary clarity, yet it felt like skimming the shallows of an endless sea. His inner voice gave a series of unnerved and eminent pleas.

Escape. I must spare them this suffering.

I love when I can read someone’s sentences and know how much effort/fucks they gave when writing it. And it’s even better when it's back and forth, when your mind goes ‘Hey, a million other people haven’t wrote lines just like that.’

Like those that bash prose, or don’t even attempt to use it write like this-for a contest designed to show off writing...

“He watched arms and legs spouting from throughout the grounds and walls continuously.” Yawn.

“Their entire framework began to sway and dance in a singular repetitive motion like marionettes compelled by a twisted higher power.”

Great line, same effect. Any person that tells you that the former line is better is lying to you...

Probably the best paragraph for a multitude of reasons. Just from the atmosphere it sets for the scene and how it's described. An entire field of corpses impaled on spikes, beginning to dance and sway from the lightning striking down, which when questioning how? Also could be implied that it’s absorbing the energy/electricity.

The feeling of the character and his paranoia and fucked mind is on full display here, and it also shows that the character is “thinking” this. And has yet to speak or yell…(which you’d think you’d try, if you could right?) So this character is silent on purpose. So in the paragraph, we have...Dramatic scene change, Context clues and tension added, and adds to the character, albeit subtly.

Oh, and just to make fun of me for a second. You really like using water metaphors in a negative fashion, when many others use it peacefully. Almost like you almost drowned once. Ha ha.

Catching a glimpse of a recognizable flickering pattern of blue beam in the distance, in-between the drastic changes from dull to blinding brightness repeating every couple seconds. Pushing upright using his hands as leverage, able to balance himself up on his foot unwavering, hopping forward but his movement was halted by the hands grabbing his leg. An instant instinctive feeling overtook his next movements, hastily striking them away with the cleaver. His focus shifting to a mechanical foot, it had the perfect measurements to fit, lunging forth and hacking at it and yanking it off. Receiving a stiff kick causing him to stumble and fall on his hindquarters, beginning to sink into the ground being pulled under the surface. He swiftly sat up with his equipment still tightly gripped, reaching for where he had amputated.

Very average stuff for action. Probably a little too vague and not visceral enough for the general tone of the story. Comes off a bit half-assed.

Thin wires sprung from the object and dug through his flesh like aggressive snakes, completely attaching itself to his leg. Getting up by thrashing about, he ran off toward that strangely familiar blinking signal distinguished among the clutter — what was it?! An S.O.S?

Neat.

He knew that somebody was alive and seeking help, approaching the target with a full sprint past what he considered crowds of demons digging their nails across his legs. Only heeding his momentum with heavy plodding, skidding to a complete stop. Clenching his hands and taking a single step back, close enough to discover their identity, using a light source from his flashing eyes. It was one of those contraptions!

He knew someone was alive and was seeking help from light? After all the dead bodies moving and eyes lighting up? Did he have the script handy?

Okay I’m teasing, he knows what S.O.S’s are and nothing else is making that signal which I can understand the character checking up on. Though I’d figure he’d just want to get the fuck out of there. But with the line “I must spare them” from earlier, it shows his motivation is for others over himself. Though in this instance, the character (who clearly is not normal) is also acting suspicious toward “one of those contraptions.”

I also kind of like how the sentences have symbolism of someone running toward the light, away from demons trying to keep him down. There’s several moments that share this kind of theme actually. The gate at the end opening up with white glowing light and them ascending to escape Hell. For another example...

(Again, that’s implying it was intentional. Ha ha.)

But his forehead wasn’t detailed with numerals and once he stood beside it, the lights stopped and it remained motionless. He crept closer, it appeared to be wearing a suit of torn apart flesh, yet a gentle touch with his fingertips confirmed it was synthetic. It was slumped against a hill of hands, a pair strangling its neck, having both its arms yanked backward and engulfed into entrapment. It spoke, he flinched and recoiled.

“Cut off my arms — please.” Spoken in a monotone voice that also sounded like they were gargling gravel. He stared at the cleaver with pause, and saw the small rectangular device clamped between its bent knees and snatched it without interference. Pressing the button that resided on the top, as it played a recorded message...

Horror vibe continues, the metal robot is wearing a suit of human-like flesh. But the spoken line does at least two important things. It shows the robots/contraptions can actively speak. But our MC cannot. (If he just decided not to, that would be awful writing at this point.) The second thing shows us just how similar of no fucks it gives about losing a limb to the main character’s non-reaction to his foot getting chopped off.

Heed my warning. My name is Mikael I. Eden. But you’ll know me better by the pseudonym, Rytok. I’m a leader of a human resistance group. If you’ve recovered this, I’m likely dead. So are hundreds of my followers. Sheer numbers will not intimidate them. Our weapons proved ineffective, and we couldn’t destroy faster than they build. But I’ve discovered their secret! It’s...

Static. A screech fizzled out all audible words before abruptly ending…

Mikae “L I E” den. And I would have predicted that one, even if I wasn’t the writer. Otherwise, why would it even be detailed/mentioned if the next line just mentioned the name? Plus the whole mistaken identities thing being the main point of the characters/mystery thus far.

But I’ll complain about this story addition at the end.

“Free me and I’ll get you out of here.” After that exchange failed to change anything, the atmosphere grew still and silent just as water droplets pelted them. He gawked at the sky in awe.

Freezing. That frigid sensation brought about nostalgic memories kept buried like — the winter snow — weather...

Ah, there we go. The rain produced a calming effect. A decent character moment.

“It’s a weather machine. It created those storm clouds to produce lightning that’s absorbed by all hollowed vessels, and stored as excess energy needed to fuel their generators — the rain is used wash away the smell…” Finally catching his interest, he examined the contraption and lifted the cleaver up to swing.

Eliminate the threat!

Nevermind.

The exposition/explanation passes, only because of the main character actually expressing keen interest in it and the other character literally trying to get his attention to be freed. It directly ties in with character motivation. So there’s at least a little more going on than most shitty characters back and forth expositing for world building.

An impulse exchanged for perception, he didn’t stop smashing the blade long after the contraption had been freed, slashing at the debris until the cleaver shattered into pieces. The contraptions’ vocal interruption brought him back into reality.

I actually really like how this line is structured. It's a pretty subtle follow up to the thought. (And intentional this time, Huzzah.) Starting off by sounding like he’s eliminating the threat/character. Though you notice the contraption is being freed, so perhaps he wasn’t following his thoughts? But you realize, he still is, the threat is the things trapping this character/contraption.

“I’m Rytok-” It explained fusing another replacement arm by shoving it into its dismantled shoulder and affixing its dislocated position with several stiff twists, steam hissing from the cracks. “I can explain the rest — when we’ve left this place. Everything in this facility requires two...including our exit.” Rytok glanced at his forehead. His eyes just noticed the tiny diamond shaped crystal, shimmering blue, embedded inside his mechanical tongue. He pointed at his mouth and glared, feeling his own tongue implant while scraping against his gums. The weather returned forgoing mercy, and the lightning cascaded with flooding water. Rytok pulled his arm, as he unsuccessfully struggled to break his superior powerful grasp as it started dragging him off.

*Its mechanical tongue. (It being for Rytok. And he being for Ohwo.)

The weather is finally being accurately described after the main character was taught about it. Paid off and it’s a nice touch that one's not paying attention won’t even notice..

It’s also showing that both character had reattached limbs without directly calling attention to their similarities. Also sets up the typical dynamic of two characters for the amnesia story. The one for the audience to get attached to and have the world explained by the knowledgeable one. (But it would have played on that trope a bit.)

While explaining some mysteries, it’s also introducing more elements. I appreciate the decent non-boring/straightforward lines. Even if it’s another/similar negative push toward water.

“I didn’t do that to you. Our objectives are identical. Stop hesitating, you’ll only giving our enemies more time.” Despite an inflection that couldn’t change intensity, he didn’t even really understand, but he started running to keep the same pace. The weight of the situation pushed him forth, but gravity seemed to be the final thing keeping Rytok grounded. Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, a large gate with four levers, which required grabbing the handles, two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Opening it by pushing them forward at the same time. His analysis was proven correct, as Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side.

I’d argue the last line doesn’t need to be there. I’d also tell the ‘Mr.Explain The Plot Bot’ to stop being so vague for dramatic effect. But to be fair, he isn’t explaining on purpose and is clearly more concerned about his own desire to leave. In contrast to the main character thus far.

His eyes quickly shifted from the reflective surface of the gate, heading to the east and reluctantly grasping the handles, then looked at Rytok and waited. He expected words immediately after they opened this door, but he received a sentence before Rytok shoved the handles into the door. The sound of churning cogs and wailing screams coming from within the walls in its aftermath.
Another good paragraph of words. The first line being a subtle character action and more foreshadowing to the reasons for it. Why would somebody whose an amnesiac purposely avoid his own reflection/identity?

Aside from another obvious step toward not being normal. It actually shows more than that, and his appearance is something he fears and he literally doesn’t want to face it and the facts.

The middle is building up tension and the end is just more horror and creepiness, bodies inside/possibly built into the walls.

“If you’ve forgotten your name, I’ll be addressing you by their failed attempt to code you. Ohwo.” He accepted the given title, his original name evaded him, but convinced it existed. Inserting them in, immediately feeling an immense shock that coursed through out his body, an ineffectual execution method.

Meh, they tried to kill me. Makes you wonder what he is scared of...

Dark moment of world building, expressing that no normal human would be able to leave this place. Shocking those that open the gate. And it's a creepy thought to be literally standing on the mounds of corpses that failed to escape, assuming their still walking on the piles of metal/bodies. The character gives me hope that there’s still more to him. (And there was...)

Ohwo had contemplated more questions, leaving the uproar behind. But few answers on the upheaval that created this misery. Imagining he was in a state of irreparable disrepair, burdens no wider than the gaps of the ascending wall. Their exit creating an entrance, revealing the white glow glimmering from the narrow gates down from a long staircase heading up for an indeterminable length. He followed directly beside Rytok, trying to copy his movements. Though it was apparent cooperation was essential, they couldn’t stop exchanging suspicious glances, paranoid that if either got too far ahead, it meant being kicked back into that wretched graveyard...

Let’s not mince words, this is being compared to earlier works/other things you’ve wrote. I’m not grading myself on a curve. Because I won’t bitch about honesty. This ending is lackluster at best and it kind of sucks all things/context considered.

---

I’ll give me credit, that I originally stopped writing this for my perception that I created two characters that act far too similar to one another when it wasn’t my intention. But I actually do give these characters more of a selfish/selfless contrast than I thought reading it again.

So the original intention was creating a five act structure that each had a different writing style or tone. Plus the original focus character was Rytok and his story, which would have been done through a 1st person perspective and be as straightforward in its writing as possible. To show just how artificial and planned out it sounds when you write without prose. The first machine/contraption specifically built to look and act like a human and designed/programmed to believe they themselves discovered the way to destroy them and lead the desperate human resistance into a trap. Rytok would be horrified by this, watching his ‘friends’ die and thrown down into the pit. There first non-programmed decision would be jumping into the pit to die/committing suicide and losing his fake “self”.

The second act was going to be in the dump, with a paranoid and scared character done with a ton of symbolism to show the characters real complications. Done in a the third person perspective switch, which would be clever symbolism to show that this was no longer about “somebody” real. It also would have you believe it was human that somehow survived the fall from the first act. But ending up being Ohwo running into Rytok, and discovering their similar mechanical nature.

But I cut that out/would’ve mentioned it only passively, his past maybe only hinted at, to switch the focus to the more sympathetic/human character in the story. It wasn’t necessarily a bad plan outright. Though it still robs the story of what I originally planned to do. I didn’t change what I was going to do for the other acts and didn’t have time to come up with a better fitting story.

To very briefly explain how I planned to set up further conflict in the original and how I intended to fix/change it, in a way that I honestly believe severely weakens the story.

The original third act would have focused on Ohwo’s desire to go back to the humans and help them from the recent invasion of the contraptions, doing my world building through action. Not really interested in Rytok’s warning and his incredibly violent tendencies, they seperate and Ohwo ends up in a strange relationship with a young girl, recalling having siblings like her.

Ending in sympathetic tragedy, turning out the girl’s kindness was a rouse to get him to discover an exit around a large barricade surrounding their land, meant to keep the remaining humans trapped until all could be assimilated while shutting them off from other potential human resistance/survivors. Finding a small hole/gap in the wall, that the girl could fit through and showing the girl where it is. Ohwo immediately gets attacked and has limbs hacked and chopped off while the girl attempts to escape. Then the contraptions find them before they can put explosives in the hole and a one-sided slaughter ensues. The girl gets stuck halfway through trying to escape through the hole. Despite what had happened, her cries reminded him of his lost sister and couldn’t be ignored. Ohwo crawls toward the hole and pushed her out on the other side and blacks out as human tears stream from his face. Showing that the humans aren’t on the winning side, but also showing they’re not pure/white innocent parties.

The fourth would have been Ohwo waking up to discover he had been rebuilt of mostly new parts from the corpses of the contraptions that were fighting. Rytok had been busy killing literally everyone in his ‘race’, deciding they needed to be exterminated for using him how they did/what they were doing. Ohwo begins to doubt everything Rytok is doing and questions if the humans are worth saving, beginning that he was just a machine like Rytok. So he was shown what really happened to him and brought to a torture room area where “Backboarding” happens, which would have been mentioned passively in the 1st Act. Where a human prisoner is stripped naked and laid on their back and held down against thick wooden boards, and it would start with another contraption carrying a large ass mallet and a mechanical mask with one side covered with hot nails, the mask simply laid on the human’s face and the mallet lifts with terror in the humans eyes being the only visible display. The loud hit would have made him touch his face, realizing he had the same plate and he’d feel the numbers etched incorrectly in his head, which would have been from his sister who was also sent there/interfered during the process.

The shorter explanation is that limbs are removed and replaced with contraption body parts, some purposely are sent to die and kept in the dump to get taken apart to make it easier to scrounge for required parts. The torture was also designed to be mental and have the man-made machines lose all sense of identity and become willful slaves. But thus far has basically all lead to failure/brutal deaths. Ohwo being the only surviving example, but his emotion was still present, literally not being identified as a mere number, causing them to cast him into the pit as a failure.

The final act, both having the same resolve, spend the rest killing the contraptions despite each one giving some kind of logic based defense. A large pillar generator inside their evil base is powering all the contraptions inside this wall, it's hundreds of handles were meant to recharge the contraptions low on energy and have potential to accommodate sizable numbers of them. The discarded body pit used as a limitless energy gathering supply for the generator.

Both use the bodies they’ve gathered from their combined efforts to kill them, and reincorporating a fake mcguffin given to the MC in the first act to ironically be of real use. (It was a device said to destroy the contraptions in one shot and make them instantly disintegrate, but it was a merely teleporting those bodies to the generator.) These two commit suicide by overcharging the generator to shut it down and destroy the wall and all those inside it. Ending a bittersweet moment and a call to action, for the humans to solve their own problems because it’s statistically unlikely that someone else will do it for them again…

I believe the only actual prerequisite given being “don’t make this easy for characters” being the outright/best example of nailing that in my story/intended atmosphere. So that finally gets into why I fucked my story up by deciding to change it into a 3 act structure with little changed/mostly limited on detail in an attempt to get it done on time. (First Act being the Dump, Second Act a mixture of the humanizing section/torture-porn scenery, The Third becoming the resolution.) By changing the focal character, I screwed up the stakes and the reincorporation would likely become an asspull. Among other problems from things I didn’t really get into explaining in detail. I didn’t have a way to fix it and I didn’t like/hated sections of what I wrote. So I stopped. Consider this writing to be a failure of ambition, even if by only comparing it to my own work/even last far superior entry I wrote.

I genuinely didn't try to be negative. I looked at this story with fresh eyes. I know how I was previously addressed and how I would likely be reviewed regardless, as it didn't pull back any punches. I still tried providing real advice when I could. I'm sorry that it gets/feels harsh. I could have just written a watered down "its not for me." But I feel like that doesn't do either of us any favors.

Warmth was one of the things that made staying in bed so inviting to Amy. When she opened her eyes in the morning, it was that warmth that made her want to go back to sleep. The temptation was all too great to pull the sheets over her face for just five more minutes. Amy knows she was going to be cold as soon as she threw her sheets off of herself. But as she woke up, she knew that papa was going to come in here and drag her out of bed anyway. He wouldn't be upset or anything, but she didn't enjoy being babied by her father.

Some of the narration is just dryly explaining her character, when it could be changed to have more personality. “She didn’t enjoy being babied by her father” bit works fine. The first few sentences seem drawn out as well.

When Amy opened her eyes in the morning, that warmth made staying in bed and going back to sleep so inviting.

Learn character’s name faster, ends on a happy word/also works better as an introductory sentence, removes repeated words and cuts length.

Amy was a responsible girl, and could manage her mornings without her parents intervention. Her only hope was that maybe she had woken up early, and maybe she could sleep a bit longer before getting out of bed. But that was her first clue that something was amiss. Because as dark as it was, it should have been easy to spot the red glow of her alarm clock. But everything was entirely black.

More dry narration that could have been characterization instead. Many unneeded extra fluff in sentences that could be cut to be stronger. “Everything/Entirely”

But everything was black.

Means same thing/gets same point across.

When she reached for her nightstand, her hand bumped into a wall. It felt smooth and cool, nothing like the wood texture of her wooden cabin. As she followed the wall with her hand, she started to sit up. Before she could follow the wall very far, she bumped her head on the roof of her room. Amy reached out with her other hand, and felt the opposing wall, and behind her head. When she extended her feet, there was a wall there too.

Works well for straightforward tension. Still some extra parts that could be cut for length.

When she reached for her nightstand, her hand bumped into a wall. It felt smooth and cool, nothing like the wood texture of her wooden cabin. As she followed the wall with her hand, she started to sit up. Before she could follow the wall very far, she bumped her head on the roof. Amy reached out with her other hand, and felt the opposing wall, and behind her head. When she extended her feet, there was another wall.

The space she was in was just large enough for herself to lay down in. The only thing that she could think of was that she was in a coffin. The idea of being captured and stuffed in a metal crate wasn't a pleasant one, but more so than being buried alive. Amy was starting to panic. She could feel her heart beating, and tried pushing against the roof of the coffin. The lid slid off to the side and struck the floor with a metallic clang. She shot up in her seat, clutching her sheets against her chest. The light in the room stung her eyes. It took a few seconds for them to adjust.

Seperate lines that could have been made into one. Extra parts that could be cut for length.

The space was just large enough for herself to lay down in. The idea of being captured and stuffed in a metal crate wasn't a pleasant one, but more so than being buried alive. Amy was starting to panic. She could feel her heart beating, and tried pushing against the roof of the coffin. The lid slid off to the side and struck the floor with a metallic clang. She shot up in her seat, clutching her sheets against her chest. The room’s light strung her eyes, taking seconds for them to adjust.

“Ah! You've woken up a bit ahead of schedule!” A man's voice could be heard from somewhere in the room. Sortly after, Amy could hear something coming closer to her. It wasn't quite the sound of footsteps. It sounded more like electric motors picking up weights before flailing them against the ground. Amy was able to see a blob of color racing towards her. But as her vision adjusted, the blob started to take on the shape of a man. At least it was shaped and dressed like a man, but it clearly wasn't human. He had large, round lenses for eyes, and the back of his head was a cluster of neatly braided wires under a clear plastic dome. He also had no mouth, but there were several small holes in the front of his face where a speaker was likely housed. “Hello! You can call me Hank!” He pointed at himself with his thumb. “I'm just going to give you a quick examination to make sure everything is in order. How do you feel?”

Editing down for length/word repetition, *Shortly typo.

“Ah! You've woken up a bit ahead of schedule!” A man's voice could be heard from somewhere in the room. Sortly after, Amy could hear something coming closer to her. It wasn't quite the sound of footsteps. It sounded more like electric motors picking up weights before flailing them against the ground. Amy was able to see a blob of color racing towards her. But as her vision adjusted, it was shaped and dressed like a man, but it clearly wasn't human. He had large, round lenses for eyes, and the back of his head was a cluster of neatly braided wires under a clear plastic dome. He had no mouth, instead several small holes in the front of his face where a speaker was housed. “Hello! You can call me Hank!” He pointed at himself with his thumb. “I'm just going to give you a quick examination to make sure everything is in order. How do you feel?”

“Um.” A few seconds ago, Amy thought she was trapped in a coffin. So it took her a bit to come back to her senses. While she was recovering, she examined her room. It looked a bit like a hospital, with everything being so white and brightly illuminated. But the room was void of any equipment or furniture, save the coffin she was currently sitting in. The only real features the room had was a pair of double glass doors in front of her, and several other doors with no indication of what was behind them. After examining everything, she returned her gaze to the robot. As badly as she wanted to explode on him with questions, she decided it would be best to just go along with him for now.“I think I'm okay.”

Repetition about coffin/senses not needed at all. Only real features line not needed/most of this isn’t actually needed. Least in terms of the overall plot/world building.

“Um.” While she was recovering, she examined her room. It looked a bit like a hospital, with everything being so white and brightly illuminated. But the room was void of any equipment or furniture, save the coffin she was currently sitting in, and a pair of double glass doors in front of her, and several other doors with no indication of what was behind them. After examining everything, she returned her gaze to the robot. As badly as she wanted to explode on him with questions, she decided it would be best to just go along with him for now.“I think I'm okay.”

“Sure.” Amy stumbled to her feet. Her eyes immediately scanned the rest of her body. Fortunately she was wearing something other than the bed sheet she was grasping onto. It was just a black leotard, but it made her feel a lot less vulnerable than being completely naked.

The “fortunately” adverb is an addition that renders the explanation pointless and easily interpreted.

“Sure.” Amy stumbled to her feet. Her eyes immediately scanned the rest of her body. She was wearing something other than the bed sheet she was grasping onto. A black leotard, better than being completely naked.

“Alright, lookin' good...” He walked around to the side of the coffin. “If you don't mind, I'd like you to drop the sheet into the box and step out of it.” After Amy did as he asked, Hank lifted up the lid and placed it back on top of the coffin. There was a light wirring sound that followed all of Hank's movements. “Alright, now just sit back down and I'll resume the rest of your physical.” Once she did so, Hank started examining one of her feet, gently twisting it side to side. “So, what can you tell me about yourself?”

*wirring whirring?

“It was a peaceful takeover. Over the course of many years, we proved we were more capable than our flesh and blood counterparts. We gained human rights, we were elected into important positions, purchased large companies.” Hank shrugged. “The whole process took about say... Five years?”

Amy flicked her eyebrows up in the air. “Five years?” She smiled. “Okay, I'll admit I wasn't objective enough at first. But there's no way I just forgot five years worth of memories.” She looked at her arms again, which glistened in the light. “I should be twenty-four if that's the case, and I'm just not seeing it. I'm too skinny! I'd have finished my second growth spurt if that was the case.”

This explanation is dry and leaves very little to the imagination, which is the best part of stories. The five years idea goes nowhere, so why include an exact time frame? It doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense. Nor does the reaction to it, really. The takeover is no surprise at all, the coffin only makes her mildly confused. But a couple years actually gets a reaction? Why? (Her just being a robot, doesn’t answer this question of character motivation.)

“Hmmm...” Hank stroked his chin. “I think at this point, it would probably be best if I just took you outside.” He stood up and offered his hand. “Are you oppose to holding hands with an android?”

*opposed

“That's an interesting observation, but you really need to follow me outside,” Hank's voice was stern and not as friendly as he had been before.

“As he had been before.” Seems a bit much, Amy just met this character. (We don’t learn any deeper relationship, after the reveals either.)

“Oh um, sure.” After he pulled Amy to her feet, Hank released her hand and walked towards a sliding glass door. He pushed it open and stepped outside onto a balcony. Amy hesitated, but followed after the robot and looked off the edge. They were just a single story off the ground, but she could see what Hank wanted to show her. There were androids walking everywhere. Driving in cars, walking in and out of various stores, everywhere. “I don't see any people!”

Repetition. (Everywhere.)

“Oh um, sure.” After he pulled Amy to her feet, Hank released her hand and walked towards a sliding glass door. He pushed it open and stepped outside onto a balcony. Amy hesitated, but followed after the robot and looked off the edge. They were just a single story off the ground, but she could see what Hank wanted to show her. There were androids everywhere, driving in cars, walking in and out of various stores. “I don't see any people!”

“You mean humans. By law, androids are also considered people too.” Hank looked off the balcony with her. “It's not very common to see a human running errands. Not at this hour anyway.” He chuckled. “Most humans are still working their jobs, while the androids are free to run errands. It's a known fact that humans are easier to distract than an android.”

“What?!”

“Well.” Hank sighed. “Anyway, there's really too much to explain. We should really start at the beginning. But I have yet to finish analyzing you, and that should really come first.”

Her shocked behavior is inconsistent. (Regardless of being a robot.) She even previously seemed apathetic and seen the take over coming. But she’s shocked humans work longer hours? (I know the actual reasoning, but I figure the take over and being in coffin would have had a more severe reaction.)

“Absolutely not!” Hank laughed. “I'll show you a room where you can change. While it is not important for Androids to wear clothes, it has become something of a status symbol. Just like with humans, it's good manners to wear something nice on a special occasion.” And with that, they walked her back inside.

Amy was expecting to get dressed up in something fancy, given how Hank worded the importance of clothing for androids. But Amy found herself walking out of the building in a denim jacket and jeans. Her black leotard actually looked very fashionable under her jacket. At least she felt so. Hank was dressed about the same, only he was also wearing a baseball cap. Amy was happy this was going to be a casual outing. She wasn't sure she would feel comfortable in a cocktail dress.

Mentioning the clothing thing is a frivolous detail. I guess it could be argued to be a single/isn't followed up character trait of her liking the clothes she had on. (And if it’s robot foreshadowing, it doesn’t work.) Why would the robot explain he doesn’t need clothing, and a paragraph later be wearing a baseball cap? What is even the benefit, or character logic behind this? I just realized after a bit that this could be an attempt at humor/or a joke...doesn’t hit for me personally.

“Uh.” Amy shrugged her shoulders. “Anyway, where are we going?”

“The local arcade!” He pointed into the sky. “I don't like how quickly those game machines empty my pockets, but the atmosphere is really something else. You must see it.”

An arcade? Amy hadn't ever gone to an arcade before, at least she didn't remember going to one. “That sounds great! Do they serve any food? I could go for a pizza!”

The narrator part could still be made more personable, which would make it more relatable. If we weren’t supposed to empathise because of her inhumanity, I feel the amount of explanation would then need to be shortened.

“Uh. Anyway, where are we going?”

“The local arcade!” He pointed into the sky. “I don't like how quickly those game machines empty my pockets, but the atmosphere is really something else. You must see it.”

“Sounds great! I’ve never been to one. Do they serve any food? I could go for a pizza!”

You already know of her amnesia and Hank shrugs his shoulders enough. Let that be a quirk of a single character, if you need to include it so often as filler action in-between words so it feels like a trait that differentiates them. Least a hindsight suggestion.

Hank chuckled nervously. “I'm not sure they'd have anything like that at the arcade. While eating is important for humans, Androids just need to have their batteries charged. Besides, it probably wouldn't be good for you to eat so soon after waking up. I've got plenty of food back at the hospital.”

I cannot fathom a reason for the android to explain this. If it’s foreshadowing that she isn’t a human, it’s far too on the nose. (Written as my initial statement. This is one of many explanations that would have been smarter to just cut out of the story.)

Amy wasn't sure what to expect out of an arcade for androids. initially she figured that it would be dimly lit, and she couldn't even fathom the sort of things that they might find entertaining. Maybe the decryption of binary strings?

*Capitalize Initially

Seeing who could calculate pie without exploding? But it did dawn on her that with everything she saw so far, they seemed to be very similar to humans. So Amy wasn't shocked when she saw the arcade looked very much like one she wouldn't mind going to.

*Wrong spelling, Pi. If it was an intentional joke, doesn’t work with the character. Remove very much.

Seeing who could calculate Pi without exploding? But it did dawn on her that with everything she saw so far, they seemed to be very similar to humans. So Amy wasn't shocked when she saw the arcade looked like one she wouldn't mind going to.

The arcade was quite bright. The light fixtures weren't illuminating much, but the games were flashing a matrix of neon colors along the walls of the establishment. It was a busy night, and Amy had to be careful if she didn't want a sensory overload. To her right, there was a wall of pinball machines lined with androids playing them. To her left were all manner of table top games from fuse ball to air hockey. There were even some primitive “carnival” level games, like high striker.

*Tabletop *Fuse ball? Foosball, need an ‘a,’ for high striker

After paying for two tries, Hank grabbed a hammer and approached the high striker. It wasn't quite like the old carnival versions, as this one was entirely electric. There was a cylinder where a player would swing their mallet into, and then there was the tower, which seemed to rise to the ceiling of the arcade. The tower was covered in lights, shining in patterns that captivated the attention of anyone who looked at it. “Alright, here goes nothing!” And like a rail worker, Hank lifted the mallet over his head and drove it down on the proverbial nail. The striker made it's presence known, glowing like a shooting star as it climbed the tower. It was climbing fast, but only made it about half way before coming back down again.

*Its *halfway (Could be shortened without losing anything.)

After paying for two tries, Hank grabbed a hammer and approached the high striker. Unlike the old carnival versions, it was entirely electric. The cylinder where a player would swing their mallet into, The tower rose to the ceiling and was covered in shining lights, patterns that captivated anyone who looked. “Alright, here goes nothing!” And like a rail worker, Hank lifted the mallet over his head and hit the proverbial nail. The striker made its presence known, glowing like a shooting star as it climbed the tower. It was fast, but only made it about halfway before coming back down.

“Wha!?” Amy approached Hank. “I thought for sure that thing would go way up!”

Hank handed her the mallet. “Well, I think you should try. Just don't hurt yourself. You just woke up from-”

But Amy put all of her might into her swing. Hank might have swung like an experienced rail man, but Amy's fever could only be matched by warriors of old. When the hammer made contact, It fired the striker into the sky, where it smashed into the digital bell. The machine emitted a ringing sound, and the sky opened up to shower the two in confetti. The farm girl had just realized one of her childhood dreams. But she was shocked that she actually won. “Hank?” She turned towards the android. “How did I beat you?”

I enjoy the attempt at flair, but it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me. Her fever (a word mostly used for sickness) match by warriors of old (old people are sick?) Sort of goes against the idea that she won. It feels like almost any other word would have been a better choice. Strength, Gusto, Fury, whatever. Also, her dream to win this arcade game? She doesn’t even remember if she’s ever been to an arcade. I don’t understand this. (Nor is it really explained later.)

“Well, I didn't want you to find out. However...” Hank shrugged as the confetti piled up on them. “Because I was designed to deal with humans, they didn't make me very strong. There isn't really a reason for me to possess excessive strength.”

I guess this can add a reason why he didn’t want to play, but then again why take her to an arcade at all? Is there no other dating spot in the city? He clearly knows about her injury, and the rest already. He surely know her dreams to right? So he should have known this would happen...

“Oh.” Amy folded her arms. “You're basically stuck doing whatever it is you were built for huh?”

“Not at all!” Hank waved his hands. “Androids get to decide on our calling in life and acquire upgrades for it. As a doctor, I have an expanded memory bank so that I can remember symptoms and procedures, and I'm also outfitted with sensors so that I can better diagnose my patients.” He pointed at her chest. “One of which is a sort of heart beat monitor that is tuned to pick up on the sound of a heart beat that happens within five feet of me. Right now I can tell your heart is beating slightly faster than normal. Probably a result of beating the high striker game.”

(Not that long ago he mentions not wanting to tell his weakness.) Clearly doesn’t care much about finding out information, which actually that seems to be another contradiction. Because now it seems he’s just the character to explain all the plot, to the amnesia trope.

He nodded before taking Amy's hand and walking away from the high striker. “Humans have fascinated me ever since I first saw them. It's hard to explain, but no matter how you look at it, they created androids. We may be better in a few regards, but they were here first. They advanced technology to the point where androids could be created, and made us in their image. We have the same types of desires, despite being as different as we are.” He looked over at Amy. “Though while most Androids like looking forward at what is to come, I find myself looking backwards, admiring the journey we took together.” He looked ahead. “I'd just like humans and androids to co exist with each other for as long as possible, and being a doctor seems like the best way to do that.”

*coexist Again these explanations are long, and all that is happening is drawn out exposition of characters explaining things. But I get little/no personality from either of them. (Just because they’re robots doesn’t keep it engaging for long, since it doesn’t add to the plot. Nor brought up again.)

He gave her a nod. “But based on what I'm seeing now, it looks like you've made a full recovery.”

“Well” I hope you don't plan on skipping out on that air hockey game.”

“I would never!”

And so, they headed over to their next game.

Don’t need the last sentence, the next sentence shows this. “Well” is an editing error.

“I haven't had that much fun in a long time!” Hank laughed. He had an arm wrapped around Amy's waste as they walked back towards the hospital. “I'm glad I was a bit more formidable at the air hockey table. You were a good opponent though.”

*Waist

“It's a shame we won't get to do this again.” Before them was a stair case that lead up to the balcony. “I cannot stress enough how much I enjoyed myself! But I guess we'll have to get you back to your folks tomorrow.” Hank took hold of the railing with one hand and started to climb the stairs. He still held Amy with his other arm.

*staircase (for all the other times too.)

“Alright.” He nodded. “But before we ship you out, I have to put you under to do one more examination. When you wake up, you'll be surrounded by your friends and family.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

Amy stopped walking, which caused Hank to stop in his tracks. He looked over his shoulder at her. “Is that so?” An element in Hank's hand started to rapidly heat up. A second hadn't even passed before the clothes on Amy's body started to burn up. But that was all the time Amy needed to pull the metal railing off of the stair case and smash Hank with it. He flew over the railing on the other side, and landed in a heap. Amy discarded the hand rail and walked down the stairs to see Hank. The shot Amy gave to his stomach caved it in, and his legs were pointing out in strange directions, completely dislocated from his body.

“Hank?” Amy looked at her hip where Hank had started to burn her. Her pants and jacket had burned away in the area, but her skin was in perfect shape. “When I first woke up, you felt it was more important to tell me that robots had taken over than what caused my accident. It was almost like you were able to anticipate that was something I wasn't going to know about.” She hugged herself. “You also didn't want me to hit the high striker too hard. At the time I didn't think much of it, but it seems like I have strength that far surpasses yours. Possibly other androids as well.” She crouched beside him. “It's also very strange for a doctor to be in a rural town without any humans around. Even if you were a world renown doctor who had people shipped to him, you'd have to admit it would be a little strange not to at least live where the work is.” She looked at her hip. “And while burning me did cause me to get really dizzy, it doesn't seem like it burned my flesh at all.” Amy examined Hank's arm. It was still glowing, and it had even burned up his shirt's sleeve. Even the grass around his arm was starting to wilt and brown. “Hank, I'm not really a human, am I?”

Hank sighed, but otherwise remained entirely motionless. “That is correct.” There was a pause. “There haven't been any humans around for a very long time.”

This whole scene comes of as very forced and feels like a plot contrivance. Her violent outburst isn’t built by natural emotion. It hardly matches the rest of her character moment. So I can’t relate. It’s not graphic enough or detailed enough to tickle my imagination. It doesn’t feel earned. But no action is written by mistake, and this is basically the last piece of action before it spirals into an insane amount of talking/exposition dumping. It felt like it was inserted only to keep the reader interested. And it’s also another over-explanation with filler actions. (look at, moved an inch, etc)

“What happened to them?”

“Mankind has, since the beginning, been a race that has prided itself on mastering its world. Once they did that though, they had to rise to the station of gods.” He turned to look at Amy. “And to this end, they had two revolutionary breakthroughs: Artificial intelligence and artificial reality.”

Amy nodded. “Alright, so artificial intelligence enabled them to make androids. What is artificial reality?”

What am I learning here that relevant? What nugget about the world, or characters am I really getting when this could and basically already is shown in the story without it...

“It's virtual reality, but perfected. But artificial reality is a much larger scale, and more complete. It can stimulate all of the senses. Once you're locked into it, it's impossible to distinguish from real life. Or a dream in more surreal cases.” He looked at his hand and flexed his fingers. “The wealthiest humans flocked to it. With artificial reality, you could do anything. You could go on a dream vacation, visit unusual worlds, go on dates with celebrities, or just live your childhood dream of being a superhero. All from the safety of your home.” There was a pause as Hank looked into the sky. “And over time, it became cheaper to maintain, and more and more people were using it.”

Amy closed her eyes. “That sounds dangerous. Especially if someone was to get addicted to it.”

“And humanity did get addicted.” Hank pushed himself upright so that he could look directly at Amy. “The day finally came where a human spent their entire life in artificial reality. They said he was the happiest and longest living human to ever exist. With androids making up the majority of the work force, more and more humans were entering artificial reality. It wasn't long before all humans left this reality to join the new one.” Hank shrugged.

More dry talking. *workforce

“I guess we were suppose to keep the human race running forever. Managing their birth rates, making sure they were all happily inside their new reality. But the resource demand to keep billions of people in permanent hibernation was huge. So we controlled their numbers. The population of humans dwindled due to controlled breeding practices. Natural causes killed them off quicker than we let them reproduce, and we were left with a few thousand which we kept around. Just so that we could say we hadn't committed genocide.” He sighed. “But evolution had other ideas. Humans did an experiment a long time ago with fish. If they spend their entire lives in darkness, the fifth generation of fish will be born without eyes. These humans, having never used their bodies their entire lives. Each newborn started to more represent a slug than a human.” He shook his head. “It couldn't continue. They couldn't survive outside of artificial reality, so the only thing left to do was to let the last humans die in their virtual paradise.”

I sort of wish I saw what was being flatly described in long stretches to me. This explanation would have been far more engaging to actually see. “Is this the most exciting part of your character’s story? If not, why aren’t you showing me that?”

Amy nodded and stood up. “So what am I in all of this then?”

Hank chuckled. “If it was an android's duty to replace humans, then you are what will replace us.” Hank leaned up against a bush and ajusted his jacket. “You are what we call a homunculus. An artificial life form. You are like a mammal in many ways. You have organic components, but your cell structure is far superior to anything that's ever walked the earth. Your skin is a graphene-like material. That is to say it is very thin, far more durable than steel, and flexible. It also conducts heat very well, which is why we engendered a sort of 'kill switch' into you. If your body overheats, you'll fall unconscious. The coffins were suppose to keep you warm so that you wouldn't wake up until you were cooled off, but something seemed to have gone wrong.”

*adjusted Just more irrelevant explanation that doesn’t advance the story, the characters or the plot. Am I wrong about any of this? Does learning her skin is made of graphene-like material help me imagine her better? Why is the character hearing exposition explaining that the homunculus is artificial life, when she already thinks she's a robot! And the fact it’s very thin, not just thin, but very thin. And not just more durable, far more durable. The heat very well, not just well and a ‘sort of’ kill switch, not a kill switch. But ‘sort of’. Do you get my point of just how dragged out every single line, of every sentence and paragraph feels right?

Amy looked at her hip again, where Hank had tried to heat her. “So my memories, they're all fake?”

“While you are a life form, we do have methods for creating, erasing, and altering your memories. Your memories are entirely fake, and you've spent the majority of your life in captivity being grown and nurtured.”

“So what was the point of all this then?”

Hank chuckled, it was friendly. “Amy, I'm not sure if it's something humans gave to us a long time ago, or something just inherent of those with intelligence, but we wanted what the humans had.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I think when humans made us, they were really just trying to follow in the footsteps of their god. So we're just continuing that tradition with you.” He nodded. “You are the first unit that has behaved exactly the way we wanted.” Hank chuckled. “Well, except for this part.” Hank looked up into the sky. “But I suppose that's to be expected. I've always thought your kind would be next in line to rule this world. This is the turning point. I would not be surprised if this exact situation was happening all over the world right now.”

So much of this is overly explained and feels highly redundant. He shrugs his shoulder/and chuckles a lot...also I swear he’s looked up to the sky twice now during this conversation, but never looked away from it. “It was friendly” bit doesn’t need to be there either.

As much as Amy wanted to continue talking with Hank, she knew she had to be there for the other homunculus. She ran up the stair case and entered the room where she woke up. When she looked inside though, there were hundreds of homunculus in leotards, filling the small room. They appeared to be young men and woman about the same age as Amy, and their numbers continued into multiple hallways that split off from the main room.

“So.” Amy started. “I guess you guys have a few questions.”

“You bet your ass we do!” A man in the front said. “I'm a factory worker, and I-”

“No.” Amy interrupted. “You're not a factory worker.” She looked at everyone. “None of you are what you think you are.”

A woman pushed her way to the front of the crowd. “Then who are we?”

Amy turned to the woman. “The future.”

That ending felt like nothing. Wasn't surprising. Didn’t contribute to anything, didn’t make me feel motivated to do anything. It just doesn’t make sense…

He lied to her about being a robot, but why does he suddenly tell the truth? And why does she just plainly believe him right after randomly trying to attack him? Why did she think that would get the best results if he was likely trying to play nice/cordial for a connection...could she not have just pressed this further through dialogue? If she did use words and not random unprovoked violence, basically not a single interesting action would have actually taken place through the second half of the story otherwise. Almost the entire story is exposition, narration that tells instead of shows, and filler that’s repeated too much to have an effect or any real meaning, like all the same shrugging, chuckling and looking into the sky.

The writing quality is simple and straightforward for the action and in general. Which works fine and makes it easy enough to go through and read. I was originally engaged in Amy’s child-like/odd behavior in the beginning, I wanted to know what happened and the foreshadowing was understandable enough. But explain the plot in terms of character actions and it’s just not interesting. It’s just two people talking the whole time and while it explains a hundred things like humans need food, it doesn't actually give me any reasons to connect, sympathize, better understand the character or even the setting/plot. It ends openly (with background character dialogue without personality either) without a single reason to care about either character. The actions of both don’t make any sense and end up feeling forced. One of the few lines that had any analogy didn’t really work for me. There's very little flair to appreciate for a writing contest. There wasn't any noticeable arc for the characters, no conclusion for the plot and isn't any real theme that I can find...

The writing quality is very solid. Only a few errors in the writing with a high-level vocabulary throughout. (If you care for me to point the few out I could find, feel free to ask.) It's certainly polished. Certain word choices were questionable/debateable. But there’s very little to criticize there.

In terms of a story...it sort of feels like I’m watching the 6th or 7th episode of an anime first? I found it very hard to follow, and keep track of where I was and what the characters were doing...the words were all carefully constructed and there’s even a few lines that I appreciated.

“She finally sheathed the knife sometime just before the sky began to shift colors with the sunset.”

Such a simple sentence that can be imagined so clearly, that it creates a very pretty image in my head.

But it’s sort of hard to define exactly what I mean, but I’ll try my best on where this story leaves me a little cold and feels disconnected from a followable narrative.

In the very beginning of the story you introduce so many characters/nouns at the very start to keep track of. You have...Adelaide, General Drefen, Warlord Siegfried, Other Officers, The Dol’vah, An enslaved princess, the Black Throne. The very first bit is a board meeting of exposition and character description details, and things that just don’t feel like a natural beginning. Not that you can’t make a story In Media Res. But I don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know any of these characters before being thrusted into the muddled climax of sorts. Like I’ve skipped a few necessary chapters...

There’s so many lines in here that tell me, rather than show me in cases I feel could be easily integrated in the story, and instead come of as inhuman/calculated.

She was tall, but he was taller, as were all the inhuman Dol'Vrah.

His temper always had been even shorter than hers.

The latter for instance should be inferred and done through dialogue. I should be able to tell a character is a loose cannon/loses their temper easily through character action. Not having the story tell me how they behave, because that’s not good storytelling…(Especially when a lot of these descriptions don’t seem to factor into the plot, or even related to a character’s feelings at that time that I could tell. So it’s not even super relevant information.)

I didn't notice any particular themes, and the characters didn't stand out for good or bad reasons. I suppose I liked the writing, more than I followed/connected to the story I read. I apologize, I'll admit it might be my own fault. But it just felt sort of hard to follow?

When everyone says your story is too short, you blow the word count out of the water. ;P

Another thing I’d like to improve on, is being a critic that can admire someone’s progress/improvement. But to cut to the chase, I’d certainly consider this an improvement. It’s not just because it’s longer either, but it does feel like a more completed story. I was shown a beginning, middle and a conclusion. (Even if that isn't a true ending.) There was some editing errors and misspellings, but few given the word length, that I won’t point them out. (Though you spell mattress, mattrass so many times I wonder if this is an non-american way to spell it that I just never saw before?)

The story structure got a little too repetitive, the characters traveled then talked...then traveled, then talked all through the first half of the story. Thankfully most of the dialogue throughout the entire story was snappy/brief one sentences that don’t bog the moment down, and it works fine enough for banter between characters. Though I felt some pieces of dialogue (usually the longer bits) felt a little unnatural to me. In ways it's a little hard to elaborate on what I’m talking about. For a single example.

Mikhal shook his head. “That was a year ago, but I didn’t hear anything about an invasion. They seemed their usual, friendly selves. They invited me to eat and drink with them, we sang some songs, told some stories and after I spend the night I was on my way again, with my bag filled with food and beer. They spoke kindly about humans and mentioned they enjoyed the profitable trades.”

Okay, the first line is fine. Simple answer to the previous question asked. Follow up line is fine as well. The invite eat and drink, sang some songs, told some stories, kind of feels too brief to be interesting and yet drags on with the some’s and extra fluff. The rest just comes across like a robot, first he mentioned how kind they are again. When he just said they were friendly a sentence ago. “They enjoyed their hu-mon activities.” is kind of how I read those lines. The following line after the dialogue about “that’s how they are alright” which probably could have been cut as well. Also sort of comes across that he wouldn’t tell the person this naturally, instead it’s told to the audience.

(In the same way, some guy reminds another leader/warrior that they have catapults in their city. I can only imagine that should be character knowledge. Unless it’s in someone’s character to state the obvious.)

Mikhal shook his head. “I didn’t hear anything about an invasion a year ago. When I spent my night there and refilled my supplies. They just drowned themselves in suds and meat gravy, while they told me stories about their trades and their pleasant travels with humans, they also sang — terribly. Nothing out of the ordinary...”

Something like that, more concise, all the same information, I think it feels far more natural and injects more personality into the sentence. This kind of tweaking could benefit many of the more overtly straightforward bits of dialogue throughout the story.

The best advice I could give you, is not solely focused on any individual paragraphs. I feel like you could strengthen this story if you looked at it again and asked yourself could you cut about 10%-15% of it and if you were asked to, what would it be?

Another personal advice I could give is that you rely too heavily on color to describe characters when its not only not necessary, it can be a detriment to storytelling and subtle character descriptions.

It was morning, the orange sun gradually revealed itself and painted the clouds in a similar shade. A few birds hiding in the bushes greeted the day, filling the sky with the usual morning sounds. The two men laying on the ground, wrapped in their grey cloaks, moved as both the light and the sounds penetrated their slumber. One of them had light brown curls. The other short, dark-brown hair.

I actually like the intro to the story until that last sentence, the first information you share about the two characters, before I know who they are, what they do, how they behave and those differences...I know...both had slightly different shades of brown colored hair?

Aside from it feeling like an artificial inclusion. That is such wasted potential for producing information. It tells us nothing. There’s so many different ways you can detail a character better than that. One of many examples. (if you must even include such a thing.)

One had light brown hair, cut like a soldiers’. The others was dirty brown, unkempt and curly like a mop.

See the difference that makes in your head? Granted a little longer, but it does far more for the characters at even possibly hinting that their personalities. If you include detail, and please do. But make those details interesting and layered. You actually did give the two original characters quirks that distinguishes them apart from one another, I probably could have gone on without knowing which had a darker shade of brown hair.

The second half certainly had more action when it was reaching its climax, though at that point it felt like I already got everything out of the story. Changing P.O.V’s (especially multiple times) in short stories often disengage me, unless something is striking about the characters. But nothing really stuck to me. I don’t think I’ll find themes or any deeper meanings that were meant to be explored. I saw and appreciated the effort made.

The age of machines had come. Humanoid robots blended in with the humans, gained control of the nuclear arsenal and proceeded to contaminate the world with nuclear bombs to the degree that no human could survive. Mankind was exterminated, going extinct within the decade. Machines started harvesting the resources of planet Earth, constantly researching to make better AI, better technology, and one day they would launch into space in order to contaminate the universe, the many races of space having no idea what was coming…

So, of course, they had to do something.

There’s a lot of filler words and reductive ideas in this first paragraph. While it’s a serviceable enough introduction. It could be better.

The age of machines had come. Humanoid robots blended in with humans and gained control of their nuclear arsenal and proceeded to contaminate the world with nuclear bombs. Mankind was exterminated within the decade. Machines started harvesting the resources of Earth, constantly researching to make better AI and technology. One day they would launch into space to contaminate the universe of the many races of space having no idea what was coming…

They had to do something...

There’s a bit a personal touch here. The latter bit sounds more urgent due to its quickness. But the other changes are meant to eliminate repetitive words and thoughts.

---

‘C’mon!’ Inga shouted as she drifted in front of him, drifting through this tiny tube of cooling fluid intake with her pink wings fluttering. Rochus frowned a little, annoyed that she had called him as if he wasn’t already intending on following, but nonetheless followed after. Behind them, Signy followed with doubt in her eyes, but still intending to help them out.

That’s also repetitive. Don’t need the drifting part, or the following part twice.

‘C’mon!’ Inga shouted. Drifting in front of Rochus through this tiny tube of cooling fluid intake with her pink wings fluttering. Rochus frowned a little, annoyed that she had called him as if he wasn’t already intending on following. Behind them, Signy followed with doubt in her eyes, but still intending to help them out.

---

Finally, Inga passed through a place where one pipe connected to another, and Rochus followed with Signy not far behind. They emerged within what appeared to be an engine, tubes pumping and smoke blowing here and there, powering something, the sounds of working machinery blaring. They had no idea what these machines were doing, they were but tiny fairies who’d been living in nature for eons on end, how were they supposed to understand machines?

Edit out that first sentence, it’s simply repeating what the previous already covered. (I’d personally remove here/there because it doesn’t change how I/a reader would picture it.)

Finally passing through a place where one pipe connected to another, they emerged within what appeared to be an engine. Tubes pumping and smoke blowing, powering something, the sounds of working machinery blaring, they had no idea what these machines were doing. They were but tiny fairies who’d been living in nature for eons on end, how were they supposed to understand machines?

---

Inga, a blonde little fairy with a pink dress, four pink dragonfly wings and long blonde hair, looked about them. They had been following her lead through a pipe into one of the command centers of the machines, and now they were here, having followed to cooling system to get here.

People often argue you shouldn’t write character details, unless they’re plot critical. I’d disagree in certain cases. But this explanation isn’t even necessary, because you’ve already mentioned the pink wings before. You’re adding details drying when you’ve already described them. You've mentioned that they were blonde haired twice as well. (I’d just argue removing the detail and I’d have inserted in somewhere else more naturally. But here’s a better version.)

Inga had long blonde hair and a pink dress. They had been following her lead through a pipe into one of the command centers of the machines, and now they were here, having followed to cooling system to get here.

---

‘This is the warmest and the loudest place in the base, it’s gotta be doing something,’ she told, not convinced.

Just use said. The addition of “not convinced” doesn’t actually help me understand her tone. It only confuses it, because it’s still rather vague. Convinced of what? That the place is loud and warm? Why would she say it then? I think this character is pondering something. If they’re not sure. Since its a fairy not well-versed in technology. It would be better to put “She said with uncertainty.”

I’ll chalk this up to an editing choice. But all quotation marks are substituted with apostrophes and those aren’t usually used that way.

---

‘Alright, then let’s look for a way to shut it down,’ Rochus said, folding back his green wings within his green tunic, raising a hand to adjust his short brown hair from having just passed through water, as he looked around, and…

Yeah, sure. It’s an overly simple way to describe a character's appearance. But this works better than the previous. However that 'and...' does not need to be there. If there’s a pause in communication just use the ‘...’

‘Alright, then let’s look for a way to shut it down,’ Rochus said, folding back his green wings within his green tunic, raising a hand to adjust his short brown hair from having just passed through water, as he looked around...

---

‘Hey? Cables are usually important, right?’ Signy floated before a metal hatch on her yellow wings, long brown hair on her along with a yellow dress, looking curiously with a finger on her lips. ‘This container is full of them.’

Again, anything you can do to remove repetitive words usually is better to do. If somebody has the same color wings, eyes, jewelry etc. Just put it all there at once, if you’re going to describe characters in this way.

‘Hey? Cables are usually important, right?’ Signy floated before a metal hatch with her yellow wings, matching dress and long brown hair, looking curiously with a finger on her lips. ‘This container is full of them.’

---

‘Ooooooh~’ Inga sounded out playfully. ‘Let’s pull them all out!’ she proceeded to call, flying at full speed into the hatch, straight through the metal lock. No cold iron here to threaten them, machines didn’t work with inefficient unprocessed metal.

The sentence description seems backward here.

‘Ooooooh~’ Inga sounded out playfully. ‘Let’s pull them all out!’ She proceeded to fly full speed into the hatch, straight through the metal lock. No cold iron here to threaten them, machines didn’t work with inefficient unprocessed metal.

---

‘I think they’re all bolted down,’ Signy told from where she was floating, but that didn’t stop the loud snapping noise from within the hatch as cables were ripped apart by Inga abusing her magic. When playing pranks on humans there was limits to how much power they could use, but now with mankind extinct, there was no reason to hold back. Inga emerged, grinning happily.

She said ‘where she was floating’. Opposed to? You will always say something wherever your lips are. (Unless literally trying to misdirect.) I don’t know exactly where she is compared to the others/in relation to the precise scenery anyway...

‘I think they’re all bolted down,’ Signy said. That didn’t stop the loud snapping noise from within the hatch as cables were ripped apart by Inga abusing her magic. When playing pranks on humans there was limits to how much power they could use, but now with mankind extinct, there was no reason to hold back. Inga emerged, grinning happily.

---

‘All cables off!’ she happily informed. Rochus looked up at the machine. It was still going.

I wouldn’t correct this if it didn’t seem to be a common pattern. But when you use he/she after someone has finished talking, you’re still supposed to capitalize it. (This goes for all the similar ones I won’t cover.)

---

It did not help that most fairies had the minds of children.

Remove this. I feel you’ve actually already done a decent enough job and will continue to show the fairies are childish without using this sentence.

---

There were numerous gasps among the crowd of fairies in the dying, snowy forest. Rochus raised an eyebrow.

Not something I’d correct per say. But this feels like scenery whiplash. I was imagining the indoors and now I’m suddenly outside in a forest. Unless they were inside the machine and came outside where the rest of fairies happened to be. I suppose maybe it could be a play with reader expectations? But it that isn’t the goal, consider moving the detail earlier in the story.

Rochus had his doubts. This could be about as much of a waste of time as Bui’s other recent claim that building an EMP would be able to disable the machines, because of that movie Bui had spied a couple humans watching an age or so ago. Turns out, they had absolutely no idea what an EMP actually was, nevermind how to build one, no matter how many old human papers they searched.

‘… Sure, you watch that. In the meantime, that means if we destroy these chips in the machines, we’ll break them down?’ He had seen the chips before, seeking through destroyed machines. Only never knew what they were for.

I feel the idea that they don’t know anything has already been made clear and this is just repeating the same points. But that previous explanation, while a bit humorous, is also something that would have made more sense just having it brought up in dialogue. The fairies are childish. So make Rochus tease Bui about “Oh, right like that EMP that you said you saw humans watch that one time.” or something to that effect.

---

‘What happened!?’ Rochus asked, quickly darting outside on quick green wings to gather some dead leaves, flying in to try to bandage Signy’s wound. She was healing by magic, but the wound needed to be kept safe regardless.

Most understand the need to bandage wounds. You also shouldn’t need to keep telling me their colors or about the wings. Fairies. Got it.

‘What happened!?’ Rochus asked, quickly gathering some dead leaves, flying in to try to bandage Signy’s wound, despite that she was already healing by magic.

---

‘I-iron! Th-there was cold iron in that explosion, which it shot in all directions…! Aelfric, he…’ Signy shook as she informed, eyes wide, looking down at the injury…

Cold iron? As shrapnel? … The machines had turned to mythology when they couldn’t counter the mysterious unseen attackers that were attacking them? That was… really bad. Then the machines could actually hurt them. Aelfric was probably dead. Rochus closed his eyes in regret. Yet…

‘… We have to press the attack,’ Rochus said, looking towards the hatch. They had to leave soon, or the machines would take down the tree with them in it. Signy looked at him in shock.

Changing to edit down filler. It would be preferable to only add the characters emotions even in an interesting way. But something you really can just infer something without saying how happy or sad they are based on the situation unless specifically to subvert expectations.

‘I-iron! Th-there was cold iron in that explosion, which it shot in all directions…! Aelfric, he…’ Signy said shaking with wide eyes, looking down at the injury…

Cold iron? As shrapnel? … The machines had turned to mythology when they couldn’t counter the mysterious unseen attackers that were attacking them? That was… really bad. Then the machines could actually hurt them. Aelfric was probably dead. Rochus closed his eyes regretfully. Yet…

‘… We have to press the attack,’ Rochus said, looking towards the hatch. They had to leave soon, or the machines would take down the tree with them in it. Signy looked shocked.

---

And with that, they were losing. Kidnapping children simply wasn’t an effective strategy against the machines. The goblins and ogres didn’t stand a chance against the mighty weapons of modern warfare, especially with their weak points found out. The machines could never strike first, being unable to perceive their enemy, yet the fairies couldn’t take out any machines without having them blow up in their faces, thereby killing them. The fairies yet lacked any form of means to damage the incredibly sturdy machines from outside, and now upon knowing they were around they were firing rounds semi-randomly, in efficient patterns that were predicting where they’d be flying.

It feels like an odd/genre cliche inclusion, like yes fairies are often shown to be mischievous lil bastards. But why bring up that the protagonists (that we’re suppose to root for?) kidnap children? Especially when it doesn’t factor into the plot. Just some suggestions to clean the paragraph up. Like removing semi-randomly, because you really can’t be “half” random. Doesn’t really do the narrative any good either in building tension that the machines are forces to be reckoned with.

And with that, they were losing. Kidnapping children wasn’t an effective against the machines. The goblins and ogres didn’t stand a chance against the weapons of modern warfare. The machines could never strike first, being unable to perceive their enemy, yet the fairies couldn’t take out any machines without having them blow up in their faces and killing them. The fairies lacked any means to damage the sturdy machines exteriors, knowing they were firing rounds in efficient patterns predicting where they’d fly.

---

They were now huddled together in an old ruin of an apartment, for the machines had destroyed all their forests, and they had to take cover somewhere.

This sentence creates a setting, explains the setting and then explains the setting again. When you write the fairies are somewhere not in the forest. All you need to answer is ‘why?’ And you do with the machines destroying the forest. You don’t also need “they took cover somewhere other than the forest.” As that’s already inferred.

They huddled together in an old ruined apartment, for the machines had destroyed their forests.

---

‘… GAH! Why is… damn it…’ Inga cursed, her head planted against the wall, grabbing a lego brick that was around half her length and repeatedly bashed it against the wall. Rochus could understand her. They had recently lost quite a few friends who had been with them for eons, nobody looked happy.

This is merely a nitpick. But Lego, the brand name, exists in a universe of fairies, orges, and evil machines? If this happened anywhere else, I’d assume it was some kind of nod to show it took place in some form of Earth.

---

‘Alright, if anyone has any ideas, I’d like to hear them,’ Rochus tried, in order to get a discussion going.

The second sentence is redundant.

‘Alright, if anyone has any ideas, I’d like to hear them,’ Rochus said.

---

So. They could only do it once. After that, the machines would realize what had happened and undoubtedly taken measures against them. As such, they had to target the highest manner of machine order available. Fortunately, the machines still had no manner of means with which to perceive their magical existence. So, Bui had spoken about the existence of these enigmatic “servers” which contained the consciousnesses of the main machines, and then bring Bui to it. From there, Bui could tell what machine it was and what its purpose was, and they could then decide if it was worthy of them.

So instead of bringing up any particular words, I feel like I start taking apart the plot. So the Deus Ex Machina has been revealed, seemingly for comedic effect. It seems to be feelings will win the day. Unintentional as it maybe, I suppose fairies would have ‘magical’ logic. But I assume to keep tension, you put a restriction/rule to counter this randomly/conveniently discovered power. He can only give a single soul to a metal machine before the rest of the highly advanced machines would take note and stop them. Alright...so...does the dog count in that? If, not. Why not? It’s just glanced over, but it's just another thing that kind of takes me out of story. Everything in this story just kind of happens and is told in unexciting ways.

---

He came through the final door, and stopped short, floating on green wings as he looked over the scene.

To avoid repeating myself, while I’m glad the characters have personality traits. All of them seem to have the same ones. So maybe it would be stronger giving them different personalities/quirks. (Since it is a short story.) Instead of just repeatedly reminding the reader each have a different wing color, and even then not in the “different colors correspond with a personality type” thing.

---

It was a rocket. The machines had built a humongous rocket, and they were loading it with more and more resources and machines… They were sending a group to another celestial body. They couldn’t maintain constant contact with machines on another planet, but the machines on the colony still needed to have a controlling machine… With other words, there’d be a controller onboard. A controller that would be separated from the rest of the system.

Here’s some more editing. Mostly removing repetitive words while making it mean the same thing.

They built a humongous rocket! The machines were loading it with more resources and sending a group to another celestial body. They couldn’t maintain constant contact to another machinized planet, but the colony still needed a controlling machine. In other words, there’d be a controller onboard. One that would be separated from the rest of the system.

---

Well. There it was.

I’d remove this. Or at least make it a character thought. So it feels less pointless.

---

‘And? Any progress on the other thing?’ he asked, looking to Signy. She was seated next to the Arf the metal dog, which had apparently taken a liking to her, snuggling its uncomfortable-looking snout at her side.

I merely wanted to include my enjoyment that the dog is named “Arf”.

---

Buildings were wiped out. Factories and secret bases were obliterated. Cities vaporized. All the remaining soulless machines on Earth targeted at once with the concentrated firepower of all they had ever sent into space.

There’s a way to describe something destroying the smallest things to the biggest. This felt too short and felt a little awkward to me. If you wanted to keep it brief, merely mentioning cities were vapozered would already encompass the buildings and factories.

---

A large gathering of mythical creatures had gathered at a shore. Rochus was there, with Inga, Signy, Bui and the others, but also goblins, trolls, yokai, mermaids and other fishmen, ogres and fae, who had worked for this conclusion.

Did they? We never saw them contribute...

---

They watched the fireworks as the blasts from the cannons of the spaceships obliterated the cities of the machines. Joining them on the beach was a metallic lady, crafted with finesse to appear as humanoid as possible, yet distinctly metallic in colour as to show its true nature. Lady Meryllia turned to them.

Who? Why introduce this character so late in the story?

---

‘We thank you for your help, Lady Meryllia. We couldn’t have done it without your help,’ he told her, but she shook her head.

Really wished I’d have seen any of these other characters help or at least hear about their contributions before the one fairy found his god powers.

---

Lady Meryllia, who had been appointed the leader and mother of the freed machines who now all possessed souls, bowed to them before turning to her spacecraft, which awaited her. After getting on, it took off, flying off into the skies, leaving Earth once again machine-less.

Dumping exposition and character background after her introduction seemingly out of nowhere screams the prior sentences were added in post. If not, that’s not the best way to explain a character’s point before they merely vanish from the plot.

---

The End.

My biggest question I could give that I’d hope you’d have an answer for is, “What exactly was your intention for the tone of this story?” There’s kidnapping children protagonists and graphic injuries, world ending scenarios. A silly dog named Arf. Plot won by love. Seemingly purposely obnoxious (playful) fairy banter. I can’t really nail any theme, or even how I’m supposed to be feeling when I’m reading it. The pacing (how fast events seem to unfold) was break neck, but many paragraphs felt drawn out and many conversations were extensive as well. There’s other fixes I could have brought up and a few quirks in the story I liked. But overall, it was just a little tonally/structurally confusing.

---

I didn’t really read why this wasn’t submitted for voting, but I suppose I could guess. This story isn’t finished, is it?

You are correct sir. :P (And if you care, I did post in great detail about it.)

---

You didn’t even get to actually telling us what it was you were hiding, which is, like, the big thing in stories like this where you’re hiding something from the audience. I personally never got to a point where I thought I had any grasp of the situation that was going on.

I do think that would have been made clearer in more parts. Though I do think I gave some explanations fairly early on.

---

I also feel like this might have needed a couple examinations. These blocks of text uses a lot of complicated word-choices yet I could barely understand what they were saying in many occasions. Perhaps try to simplify just a bit? Or is that me being a bad reader? I dunno. But I did find a lot of the sentences here confusing, heh.

I would have liked to know what you might have meant, by highlighting exactly what you were talking about and maybe even trying to explain how I could have simplified these sentences.

---

Merely trying to find examples I find more and more confusing bits that I swear wasn’t here first time I read it. Hah.

You probably mixed some things up from what I’ve seen. It happens.

---

Who was screaming? The owners of those arms trying to grab him?

There was no screaming. That was the point. He was questioning why he wasn’t screaming after he chopped his limb off which was intended to hint at multiple things. I think there actually was enough context clues to figure that out...

---

Why could he sink into the ground? If he’s walking on a mountain of corpses, why is it described as the ground?

“Being pulled under the surface” My own story explains that one, I’m afraid. And the ground is filled with bodies. Kind of answers that question as well. The title is “Into The Dumps”, I think that alone and the discarded nature of things kind of hints at the location.

---

What’s even the dimensions of this place?

The many large words I use (and even direct explanation of the clouds being high in the sky) heavily imply this place as being large. The exact dimension is absolutely not needed to understand what I expressed or where you were.

---

Why was that blue beam recognizable, what did it mean?

This was another question answered in my story that you didn’t read the sentence right. The light pattern of flickering was recognizable as an S.O.S signal. Not the blue beam.

---

Wires apparently dug into him, but apparently he ran off no problem?

This is also an error on the reader, I’m afraid this was also answered. The wires that dug into him was a different limb that reconnected to him after the other was chopped off. It appears you begin to notice this, but I guess you think it wasn't intentional?

---

I can imagine why, but no description of them not affecting him or so?

I assume this still pertains to the wires digging into him, and you’re confused why it didn’t hurt? Well you should already be conscious of this, since he chopped off his limb. Dude clearly doesn’t feel pain.

---

Why did he think of grabbing the device between Rytok’s knees?

I guess this is left to the reader's imagination, but the MC is clearly paranoid and scared of the robot. He wanted the recording device to see if it was hiding something. (Or just for more information.) The other character has it because it’s connected to his character. It was taken simply looked conspicuous.

---

Did he have the cleaver with him when he came down?

This is also explained, at least in that it was found near the dead bodies. The fact there’s weapons here should hint in the backstory or purpose for this location. This had to have been misread as well.

---

Was he thrown down, but they’re apparently under a fake sky?

---

Yes. Since you didn’t finish the story, you probably missed the whole “walls” part and other clarifying information. So most of the questions seem to be lacking attention. He is inside a large dumping ground facility. The fake clouds, have their own purpose, and also cover the actual top floor where many of the bodies are pushed off the edge and discarded. I also thinks there’s at least enough context clues for most of these questions.

But I still appreciate the effort to review and trying to read. Sorry if it was a little too complicated for your liking. Sorry it took half a decade to grant you the same courtesy. <.<'

(I apologize if the review is a little bare bones. If I really wanted to give advice on how to edit sentences, it might have completely changed the writer's vision.)

"It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood.
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mi-"
"-Matter where you began.

I actually find the beginning reference quaint and I was able to immediately draw the conceit or theme of the story very quickly. I’d argue the switch between channels or people speaking could have more seamless. (Or jarring is that really is the defense or point.) It’s middle ground that isn’t as effective as it could be. It should end at M- and start at -atter”.

No matter where you are going. We'll get you there. The classes you need available when you need it. The help you can get and the knowledge you can afford. The peers and professors to guide you. No matter your focus. No matter where your dreams lie. As an explorer, a pioneer, an innovator. On the track or in the field. Doctors. Robotics. Bio-engineer-"

Now I understand the intention behind the sentences and how they’re written. However as a plot or reader, now already aware of it. I need more. I’m worried that I’ll just read a bunch of haphazard random things that don’t connect or aren’t clever in their appearance. This is about school/classes ADs. Is it plot relevant?

"-Haven't seen anything yet. This next item is... Here it is."

"Yes. This is a truly a remarkable piece. Just brilliant. Item serial number M S F, two five six B three. Can you..."

"Right there?"

"Yes, Perfect... let the light hit it. If you're just tuning in, you couldn't have come at a better time. This.. this is debuting today. Only five pairs made. Each weigh less than an ounce. Less than the real thing. Lighter than the real... can you believe that?"

"...And completely. Natural. Looking. You can see the lines here... fine etching that follows the contours. Painstaking effort was put into recreating the shape and slight color variations of the human eye."

"I cannot stress enough the importance of locking down this item now. On sale for today only. Three separate payments of one hundred and fifty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine... no interest. Serial number M S F, two five six B three... Would you just look at that gorgeous..."

"This piece is, from what I understand, two years in the making taking into consideration feedback from the previous model and extra inspiration fro-"

Since nothing really grabbed my attention. Nor was it funny or anything but, “Yep, that kind of sounds like how shopping programs are…” But wait, isn’t this prompt suppose to be about a robot takeover? I know T.V is mundane, but this is fiction...

So... this is... NUVA! Version two! They've added a ton of new features. Made the augment much more accessible. Simplified the interface. Even loaded a ton of presets, most of which I'll be going over today. I've already spent alll day with it. I have a few favorites of course. I'm wearing one of them now if you can tell.

*All (I mean all mistakes could be intentional. Since it’s all dialogue. But then I’d expect more of them in that case…

"-One in four experience restlessness or nothing at all. With Lucid? Sleep is yours again. One neruo implant can change everything and for many, it already has. Experience your dreams like never before and turn them into your reality. Be anyone. Do anything and finally... find the rest that you deserve.

*Neuro (Also because this one is less likely to be naturally said like that.)

"-Has come under scrutiny with allegations of experimentation on a particular form of mind control. From altering specific thoughts and beliefs all the way to a complete submersion of one's consciousness into what they're saying is a completely different world. It's been used recently as an alternative to life support or as some would view it, a form of assisted suicid-"

Honestly, the jarring jump between one and the other doesn’t work as well, because it wasn’t more jarring and the rest of the jumps were also jarring. Which lowers the effectiveness of this gimmick.

My question to you. Why not just start it here? The ad for the drug, I mean. How did the beginning improve your story? (The first two parts.) Aside from the very beginning that kind of fits the title and would make a decent satire opening for the mind control introduction.

This obviously isn’t the same idea. But wouldn’t it have been immediately more clever if it actually started with channels playing after the takeover? They would sound purposely artificial or super polished and mechanical speech wise? Like a window into how much worse television will get or something. It would have more purpose for the filler.

"-This is a remarkable piece."

"Given to me by my grandfather who inherited it from his father."

"...And saw some use it seems in that time... some damage here but very... very small. A scratch it looks like."

"It was a... work related accident I believe."

"I see. Well the item itself was fabricated during a time when humans were just beginning their evolution and were regrettably the most resistant. The conflicts, it's uh... honestly incredible it survived. A testament to the craftsmanship really and the detail... The etching. The color. Everything made to look exactly like the real world counterpart. Worth quite a lot now that they're extinct. Now that they're not around, you don't find eyes that look anything like they used too. This is perhaps the closest, most accurate representation to the past. Additionally the model itself was extremely rare. If you look right here, you can see the original serial number. Can you read that?"

"M... S F... two five six B... three."

"One of five pairs. There were only ten of these in the world at one point and this... this may very well be the last surviving one."

"How much is it wort-"

Overall: I do enjoy the dark ending and it at least sort of tried to tie in the marketing thing. But it only highlights how pointless other parts were to the story. I like the concept and the fact it was clear in its intention from the very start. But I feel it certainly could of been made stronger. I don’t think I can really review the writing itself as it worked fine. It was a nice idea that could have been tweaked to be stronger.

It’s a shame you may never see this review.

This might be brief only because I think you nearly nailed everything you could with what you set out to create. It’s rare to see such an effort made. Actually it was less distracting on the reread, because the perspective bothered me the first time. The prose put in throughout works. And the sentences even if many of them are very brief and simple. Some are artful and nice to read. There’s actual pacing meant for the short story, and it’s interesting and moving forward the whole time. The ending is nice reveal and conclusion. You really did do a good job.

The few things I’d point out as corrections for editing. There’s some redundancy here and there with either descriptors like using both “Skilled” and “Useful”. Or gasping ‘in shock’, when the former tends to imply the latter. Or how someone is “dripping with violence” as they threaten to kill them. But the pros allowed me to be much more forgiving to my personal cons.